Weird to ask this on an engagement ring forum… but has anyone been divorced from an “ok” partner?

[diamondyes]

I am not happy, but not abused.
At what point is marriage compromise and the tamping down of dreams, and at what point is it settling and bad? Do these things change as the decades roll by? Am I comparing myself to fictional possibilities? Is it better to be alone? Or is it better to have an “ok” partner so that at least you have someone? These are personal questions- so tell me what you think.

I don’t even know what I’m asking but maybe some of you smarter than me will know the answer. Divorce sounds awful but so does a life of general unhappiness. Many of you sound like you have idyllic marriages - how did you get there? Has it always been that way? What work did you do to get there?

 

[dk168]

From a personal perspective, I would rather be on my own than with the wrong person.

The ideal person that ticks all the boxes does not exist, and I would settle for someone who ticks the boxes that are non-negotiable to me.

The non-negotiable boxes differ from one person to the next.

I don't want to make compromises all the time, or make allowances/excuses for a SO.

A relationship should not be hard work. If it is, and makes me unhappy in whatever way(s), then it is time to get out.

I am not going to say never never, however, I am enjoying life being a singleton and childless by choice; to be able to make decisions without consulting anyone else, spend my hard earned money as I see fit, etc. etc...

I am divorced, and have had relationships since, the last one lasted about 10 months a couple of years ago - we agreed it was not working and agreed to break up amicably.

Not sure if the above helps, however, it is what it is.

DK

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Some people would rather be married than be alone, even if the marriage is less than ideal. Everyone has their own level of acceptable, that doesn’t mean any one way is right or wrong.


I have a better marriage now than I did when joining PS in 2016 but it took a lot of work to get here on both sides. No cheating or any of that, just extremely unhealthy habits we picked up from our parents and brought into the marriage. Therapy helped, I prayed a lot, but it took years to get to a good place.

Marriage is a lot of work and compromise, at least I have found that to be true. However, we are better individuals for working through our issues, it was a choice though. Now I can honestly say I choose him, that I am happier with him than alone.

 

[kenny]

For me ... all relationships have pros and cons.

If the cons outweigh the pros I end it.

 

[seaurchin]

I've been married for a long time. We had a very low point in our marriage years ago but we worked it out because we had small children at the time. I'm so glad we did because a while later, we were thick as thieves again.

One thing I'd ask yourself is what you're bringing to the table yourself to try to improve things. If you could do more, I'd try that first (and did try that first) because every marriage has its peaks and valleys and it's human nature to judge the other rather than oneself imo. But stepping up your own game often causes the partner to do the same.

Another thing I'd ask is if you ever felt like he was a great fit for you or if it never was quite right. (Trying to determine if it's just a down time or the wrong person).

Marriage counseling can work wonders too imo.

What nobody wants is to break up the marriage, then find yourself in the same place with someone else a few years later. "Til death do we part" is a tall order. Good luck.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I'm pretty sure there are a lot of us who are still married but not in idyllic marriages. My husband and I have been married 21 years, and together for 23. We have had our ups and downs, and day to day we are not lovey-dovey affectionate with each other. I sometimes feel like a roommate, but we don't really have any deal breakers that make either of us intolerable to each other, so here we are. Do I want to feel the warm and fuzzies every time my husband walks in the door? Maybe sometimes....but I'm also realistic. Life has its ups and downs, and we have weathered a lot, so for me I'm content to just have occasional warm and fuzzies.

 

[diamondyes]

Your comments are such a reality check and also a warm balm. Thank you everyone. I will reply individually but for now wanted you to know how much I appreciate your candour.

 

[nala]

You will know when it’s time bc it will be more than you can bear.
Some people find what they are missing in their marriages by becoming involved in church, parenting, hobbies, etc. so that at the end of the day they can bear their OK marriage.
But if in spite of that you can’t, then it’s ok to move on.

 

[Ionysis]

Compared to others here I haven’t been married that long - only 13 years. But have definitely been through ups and downs. When things have been bad - in whatever way - I was convinced that I should leave and that it would be better not to be together. But I have never been sorry that I stayed and let the cycle come back to the good times.

We have done a lot of work over the past couple of years in learning to communicate better with each other, to be kinder to each other, to not load our own expectations and childhood baggage onto the other person. It’s been difficult to learn these things but extremely rewarding.

I think if I hadn’t had children I may not have been willing to put the effort in. Easier to walk away and find something shiney and new. But I believe it’s worth the hard work. Don’t believe people who say “it should be easy”. Very few things that are worth achieving are easy to attain. And it’s way more often about coming to understand yourself and love yourself than it is about the other person at the end of the day. Marriage isn’t easy for most people. No relationships are. And it’s not usual for people who have been together for years to feel the same as they did when they first met. Your feelings are as much of a result of your thoughts as the other way around. If your “self talk” or inner monologue is negative about your husband, even in a “is this all there is” kind of way, then your feelings will follow.

This stage too will pass. Hopefully bringing brighter times and better emotions with it. If you invite them in.

 

[GliderPoss]

Some really great perspectives above. Marriage isn’t easy but nor is the grass always greener on the other side! I think you may want to consider what you (or both of you) could do to shake things up & improve it. Perhaps it’s just feeling a bit stale or lack of good communication? I would encourage trying to fix what you have before deciding to walk away. There is no “limit/line” that you magically need to cross before deciding to leave - as someone said above, when you cannot bear it any longer - you’ll know it’s the right thing to do.

 

[missy]

Our first year of marriage was tough because we were both navigating the newness of living together. We had dated for five years before marrying so you would think it would have been easier. But nope. I was very set in my ways and a confirmed bachelorette and very apprehensive about getting married. Even to the love of my life. I was stubborn, liked my life the way it was and hated change. It was perfect the way it was dating Greg so why risk it? But risk it we did. My dad, a wise man, told me, "Missy, life is nothing without (worthwhile) risks" so I took a leap of faith.

The first year was challenging. I remember walking out in a huff once (dramatic lol) over something ridiculous and I cannot remember now what that was about. I probably stayed out an hour. LOL. Came back and Greg was just sitting on the couch and I remember being pissed about that too. Why wasn't he out looking for me? LOL. I remember another time Greg throwing down his jacket in front of me in a rush of anger. Why now I cannot remember. LOL we both have tempers. And we are both hot headed but me more so than him. Anyway we learned how to live (well) with one another but it was a learning process. We are both passionate individuals and at times not easy to live with. I remember within the first month of marriage taping down the toilet seats in all 4 bathrooms because he kept leaving them up. LOL stupid things like that but those are the things that can drive one mad. Living with another wasn't something that came naturally to me at all. It was a learning process and we did it together. We made it work because we loved each other and wanted to make it work. We put in the hard work to make it work. I bought the Gottman Marriage book and we read that book together and employed the principles for a healthy happy marriage. It's an excellent book for any of you who are interested. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert: John M. Gottman, Nan Silver: 8601300357591: Amazon.com: Books

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert [John M. Gottman, Nan Silver] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost...

www.amazon.com

I can say with 100% confidence we have the happiest of marriages now. We are still crazy in love with each other. We grew together. Our relationship is built on mutual trust, respect, love, compassion, communication and good humor. And when we disagree we don't focus on who "wins" but we focus on making it right for the both of us. We are a team. In this together. My husband brings out the best in me and I in him. I think that is key. Being with a person who brings out the best in you. We put each other first and I think that is also key in making the marriage successful. We are each other's number one. That is what works for us.


Life is challenging and having a true love to go through the ups and downs with makes it so worthwhile. We are each other's soft pillow to fall when life gets tough. We are always there for the other. Through the good, the bad and the boring. Through it all we are each other's port in the rough seas and IMO, love is the greatest wealth there is. And in that regard we are wealthy beyond imagination.

The decades have flown by but today I can honestly say I am even more in love with my husband than I was 22 years ago. Are you familiar with this song? Sums it up. If you had asked me 22 years ago could I love this man that much? No I never could have known. I love him now more than I could have ever anticipated and I know he feels the same about me. The line "I love you more than I could ever promise" TRUTH.

"The Way I Am"

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
If you need a light, I'd find a match.

'Cause I love the way you say "good morning".
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
If your head is aching, I'll make it better.

'Cause I love the way you call me "baby".
And you take me the way I am.

And I'll buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
And sew on patches to all you tear.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.


This. Exactly.

 

[FL_runner]

I think all relationships have seasons, and that even relationships that look perfect from the outside have issues and rocky patches. If it’s just a rough phase and you take action to address the cause OR recognize that it’s temporary (like having a newborn) then it’s reasonable to ride it out. Some things from your post made me wonder- like the reference to “compromise and tamping down your dreams”- compromise is part of life, but a good partner generally supports your dreams and wants you to shine!

I think that as long as there is mutual respect, no abuse/infidelity, and both partners are willing to work on the relationship and are open to working on their own issues then it’s worth it to try to work on things (recommend considering a professional for individual and couple counseling). If you come to the end of putting in the effort and find that you are still incompatible you can set your mind at ease and know you’ve tried your best. It’s one thing to lose a little “spark” over time as a relationship becomes more companion-y than passionate, but quite another to resign oneself to decades of general unhappiness. I will say that sometimes people focus on the relationship/person as the cause of unhappiness when there may be other issues that are a root cause, like depression, and it’s worth teasing that out.

I’ve been married 15 years but with my husband for over 20. We have had some difficult times but both recognize and are open to working on things when they arise. I know in my heart that he’s my person, I love him and he has encouraged me to be my best self, he’s my best friend and the one I hope to grow old with. But I also know that I have boundaries for what I will accept from a partner and have had to discuss those things a few times over the years.

 

[Begonia]

Married 29 years, together 32.

Communication. I agree about marriage having seasons. There were times I wanted to leave, altho not from abuse or infidelity, but we weren't communicating or getting our needs met.

Children. Having kids was wonderful, but also very demanding on us both, and at times it challenged the marriage as we had no help from family members At. All. Those kids were 100% ours, 100% of the time. Now, they're our greatest loves, besides each other.

Boredom. We felt like roommates at times, and still do frequently as we sleep in separated bedrooms due to my impossible hours with shiftwork, and his snoring. It's not ideal, but we have a family to support, and that commitment keeps us going.

Aging. I have several health issues both physical and mental health wise and he has his own. I find in our 50's, we're kind to each other knowing the struggles the other is going through. Kindness is important.

Commitment. It's a journey, but my best friend by my side sure helps when things get tough. Sometimes I wanna clock him, but that's just human nature. Make a cup of tea and stare at someone's latest project on PS, the feeling will pass.

Counseling. I haven't had much, and I'd like more, but some realizations there that were very helpful. Many are painful at first however.

Appreciation I've always liked my husband and admire many things about him. That helps when the passion wanes (for whatever reason). Sometimes I don't like him very much for brief periods of course, but overall if you can like and appreciate someone, that'll get you thru the seasons.

 

[qubitasaurus]

I get the feeling that if you've written this then you've genuinely been trying for a while. That sounds quite rough.

Maybe having a talk to him about what he wants? And also see if you can work out with what you need to make the relationship supportive, and how you think you would get that. I generally find that if I need something then my partner is very happy to give it to me, but he often doesn't come up with it or instigate it on his own and no amount of hinting works either . If i start doing it(/changing to make sure I get it) myself then we're both happy and he often really enjoys it too. If even this does not work then I think I'd sit down with a marriage counciler to talk it through and work out whether there was any thing I could change, as I'm not sure it truly is worthwhile staying unless you're happy together.

 

[Piper70]

Lots of wisdom in this thread. My husband took a deep dive into workaholism 4 years ago and we are trying to gain some balance. Covid made things more difficult ( enabled him to work even more and took away opportunities to take breaks to socialize and travel ). I still have faith that we will find our way back.

 

[kgizo]

My parents moved to an active retirement community a few years back and I was surprised to see many of her neighbors getting divorces after long marriages. My mom’s take is you get to a point in your life where you think ”If I only have 15-20 good years left do I want to spend it with this person?”, and that ends some marriages that have managed along for years. I share this because I think there are more marriages that are OK to vulnerable than we realize and you are not alone in having these questions. There are lots of good suggestions above on how to try to reconnect. It’s a heavy question and I wish you well.

 

[chemgirl]

This is a tricky question.

My sister and her law associates say that those who pursue happiness usually fail. They see countless people who are unhappy with their marriages, business partnerships, and careers. The consensus is that happiness depends less on other people and more on satisfaction within yourself.

They have an interesting metric. Apparently if you are satisfied with 70% of a situation, you’re already ahead of the game. Nobody is ever completely compatible. Different upbringing and life experiences will lead to some degree of conflict. Life stressors will cause people to focus on the negative and ignore the positives. You rarely get everything that you want out of a particular situation so if you’re being respected and are 70% satisfied then it’s time for some introspection.

So many people feel a general sense of unhappiness and blame their relationship. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship can totally be the problem, but often the feeling runs deeper. We see idealized versions of how others are living and want what they have. Meanwhile who knows what they have going on behind closed doors. We get older and we feel a sense of urgency to accomplish certain things. Dissatisfaction sets in. We get bored. Hello midlife crisis.

Sometimes it takes behavioural therapy to shift focus and appreciate what you have. If you’re 70% good then there’s a potential to work on the relationship to get an extra 10%.

My sister told me she always kind of shakes her head when someone comes in looking for a divorce when they have that 70%. They’re throwing out something perfectly good so they can hunt for a unicorn. Their spouses are always left confused, but generally thrive in the long run. On the other hand her clients rarely find their unicorns. They take the same internal sense of dissatisfaction into their future relationships and some are even repeat customers once the shine wears off of their new marriages.

So I’m saying really think about your marriage and try to pinpoint why you’re unhappy. Is it really your spouse? Is there more going on? Maybe you’re running at less than 70% and my long explanation is totally pointless.

Goodluck!

 

[maru8888777]

Marriage counseling with an intelligent, capable counselor can really make a difference in figuring out what you want, if you are inclined to stay together. Individual counseling can help YOU decide what you want, including whether to end things. What is your partner willing to do? Are they happy in the relationship?
I agree with some of the posters above... rekindling desire requires that you have a life outside of your marriage that you enjoy so that then there's something to share (instead of depletion).

 

[diamondyes]

In awe at the amazing and generous advice here. I knew PSers were smart. You’re giving me a lot to think about.

 

[diamondyes]

This is a tricky question.

My sister and her law associates say that those who pursue happiness usually fail. They see countless people who are unhappy with their marriages, business partnerships, and careers. The consensus is that happiness depends less on other people and more on satisfaction within yourself.

They have an interesting metric. Apparently if you are satisfied with 70% of a situation, you’re already ahead of the game. Nobody is ever completely compatible. Different upbringing and life experiences will lead to some degree of conflict. Life stressors will cause people to focus on the negative and ignore the positives. You rarely get everything that you want out of a particular situation so if you’re being respected and are 70% satisfied then it’s time for some introspection.

So many people feel a general sense of unhappiness and blame their relationship. Don’t get me wrong, the relationship can totally be the problem, but often the feeling runs deeper. We see idealized versions of how others are living and want what they have. Meanwhile who knows what they have going on behind closed doors. We get older and we feel a sense of urgency to accomplish certain things. Dissatisfaction sets in. We get bored. Hello midlife crisis.

Sometimes it takes behavioural therapy to shift focus and appreciate what you have. If you’re 70% good then there’s a potential to work on the relationship to get an extra 10%.

My sister told me she always kind of shakes her head when someone comes in looking for a divorce when they have that 70%. They’re throwing out something perfectly good so they can hunt for a unicorn. Their spouses are always left confused, but generally thrive in the long run. On the other hand her clients rarely find their unicorns. They take the same internal sense of dissatisfaction into their future relationships and some are even repeat customers once the shine wears off of their new marriages.

So I’m saying really think about your marriage and try to pinpoint why you’re unhappy. Is it really your spouse? Is there more going on? Maybe you’re running at less than 70% and my long explanation is totally pointless.

Goodluck!

I keep re-reading this. There is so much here. So useful. Thank you for taking the time to share all of this! I am finding it very helpful.
Because now I am thinking: how can I be 10% happier? Instead of “how can I be happy?”

 

[chemgirl]

I keep re-reading this. There is so much here. So useful. Thank you for taking the time to share all of this! I am finding it very helpful.
Because now I am thinking: how can I be 10% happier? Instead of “how can I be happy?”

The thought behind the 70% is nobody is ever 100% happy. I know that sounds defeatist, but really getting to 80% happy is great.

When you’re dealing with differences, habits, life situations, and personal struggles over many years there are going to be things that aren’t perfect.

If you’re starting from 70% you have a solid foundation. You’re probably at an above average level of satisfaction.

Maybe counselling (together and as a couple) could help you figure out how to gain more happiness.

In my marriage, I find taking time for activities/hobbies together and apart really helps. We started brewing beer of all things a few years ago and it’s turned into this thing we take time to work on together. I’ve also joined a running club by myself to give me something personal to work on.

At the end of the day this might not be the marriage for you. It’s just important (in my humble opinion) to take stock of the good and try to improve the situation before making a big decision.

 

[diamondyes]

The thought behind the 70% is nobody is ever 100% happy. I know that sounds defeatist, but really getting to 80% happy is great.

When you’re dealing with differences, habits, life situations, and personal struggles over many years there are going to be things that aren’t perfect.

If you’re starting from 70% you have a solid foundation. You’re probably at an above average level of satisfaction.

Maybe counselling (together and as a couple) could help you figure out how to gain more happiness.

In my marriage, I find taking time for activities/hobbies together and apart really helps. We started brewing beer of all things a few years ago and it’s turned into this thing we take time to work on together. I’ve also joined a running club by myself to give me something personal to work on.

At the end of the day this might not be the marriage for you. It’s just important (in my humble opinion) to take stock of the good and try to improve the situation before making a big decision.

I agree with everything you’re saying. For me, I’m at least 60% happy, and it’s easier to ask myself if we could improve to get that extra 10% than to get 40% and be 100% happy! Good to poke holes in that fantasy.

We have three small kids and add in a pandemic and no family help… very hard to have time and space and energy for anything.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have been married almost 38 years, at this point mine is one of financial arrangement, neither of us can live the life style we like without the other..are we happy..absolutely not, we both know we need to end it and we have discussed doing so multiple times, life if way too short to be unhappy...we have no abuse nor unkind words to each other, we are respectful and for the most part kind to one another, its the spark its gone and has been a very, very long time, while we both agree we need to end it we just never seem to take those final steps...its scary out there alone, I been with him since I was 22 years old, I have never lived on my own...I don't know what the answer is and I seriously envy people that still love their spouses after years of marriage. I hope that you have the courage and the wisdom to do what you want.

 

[chemgirl]

I agree with everything you’re saying. For me, I’m at least 60% happy, and it’s easier to ask myself if we could improve to get that extra 10% than to get 40% and be 100% happy! Good to poke holes in that fantasy.

We have three small kids and add in a pandemic and no family help… very hard to have time and space and energy for anything.

Oh wow so you two are in survival mode right now. I can’t imagine how exhausting this pandemic must be with three small kids.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I don't have personal experience with it but I'm on a parenting forum where lots of women post about marriages where both parties think the other person is "ok" but nothing more. No one is unkind or abusive but no one is particularly thrilled either.

I suspect that having lots of young children puts great strain on a marriage so maybe an "ok" marriage with young children is actually quite an achievement already.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

My personal experience:

I married my husband because I was very much controlled by my parents at that point in my life. My father thought my husband was extremely "controllable" with well off parents. A nice addition to the family that he could "control" because hubby is extremely serene and comes off as daft most of the time.

So I listened to my father because there would have been hell to pay had I tried to date other people. Plus on paper it was an extremely sensible decision and I am very big on making sensible decisions so in that sense I was very happy with my solid choice.

Hubby is amazing. Kind, patient, stable, extremely sane with a dash of adorable silliness and the encourager of dreams. Having been raised by my awful parents, I picked up certain traits from them. Unfortunately one of those traits is that I tend to see the world from my very narrow viewpoint. Hubby really pushes me to explore everything else that's out there. He plays devil's advocate in the most gentle and well balanced way. I've grown so much with him.

And no he was not "controllable" like my father had hoped. He's too kind and decent to be pushed into anything crappy much to my parents dismay!!!!!!

We've discussed this. I've confessed to initially "settling." Hubby says he never felt that I settled because I've always brought in so much drama and passion to our relationship. Go figure =p

ETA: We have one child (by choice) whom we call our "hobby child." This has definitely made life easier I think. There is less daily grind. We both have a lot of free time to pursue our own interests and I think this contributes to overall happiness and our marriage.

 

[seaurchin]

...

I agree with everything you’re saying. For me, I’m at least 60% happy, and it’s easier to ask myself if we could improve to get that extra 10% than to get 40% and be 100% happy! Good to poke holes in that fantasy.

We have three small kids and add in a pandemic and no family help… very hard to have time and space and energy for anything.

Raising young kids is a very demanding time of life. I wish we'd have known to just slow down at that stage and enjoy it more rather than feeling like we had to do and have so much. There's an old book that I can't remember the name of right now that discusses the stages of life. One thing in it that I always remembered was called something like "the relationship diamond." If it even applies here:





They said a new couple starts of at the top point of the diamond shape, together in one place. Then they each get further and further from each other as the heavy lifting years of life progress: careers, mortgage, kids. You're probably at or approaching the stage where the two of you are the points furthest away from each other now.

But, as the book states those other obligations start to ease with a little more time. Kids get more independent, the mortgage gets paid down and salaries rise and so on, and you are able to move closer together again. I guess the bottom point of the diamond is where I'm at now, with the kids raised and plenty of time and energy to focus on each other a lot more again. fwiw.

ETA: Now it's driving me nuts that I can't remember the name of the book.

 

[seaurchin]

Ah right, the book was Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life by Gail Sheehy.

 

[peacechick]

My husband and I met online and had a long distance relationship. You could say we moved mountains to be together. I gave up a lot in terms of career and financial stability to be with him. We are each other’s rock. After almost 15 years together, I am still happy with our relationship and feel like I married my best friend.

But what I am not happy with anymore is our nomadic lifestyle. This is not my husband’s fault, but I’m more inclined to believe could be the fate he was born into. He has never lived in one place for more than 10 years since he was born. 10 years may be over estimation, 8 may be the actual record. To be clear, I’m not talking about wanderlust. It has been external factors driving our move every single time. Since my marriage itself is the product of globalization, I can’t really blame it, can I?

It was exciting and fun to start new adventures when I was younger but that faded as I aged, and realized what I lost every time I uprooted. Now that we have a child, one with special educational needs, I really dread it when he starts bringing up opportunities in new cities. With new eyes, I can understand now why divorce rates are so high amongst expat families. Sometimes it happens even when there is a lot of love left.

 

[Ionysis]

I personally found the point at which my babies grew into young children was the hardest on my marriage (from my side, my husbands tough point came later).

As my children grew from toddlers to small people (3/4 years old) I started to find myself again after being buried in nappies, struggling with sleepless nights plus full time work. I finally started going out with friends again, not feeling so exhausted, and regained a bit of “me” - the old me that I felt like before kids.

At that point I started to find my husband boring. I wanted to go out and do more things, feel some excitement and passion again, rediscover life as more than a mother. To my eyes all he wanted was to plod along in the same old way and sit watching TV every night.

I used to moan he didn’t make enough effort, didn’t make me “feel special”, didn’t SEE me in the way I wanted to be seen and appreciated now I’d lost the baby weight and found makeup again. This wasn’t really about my husband - it was about me. I behaved in lots of silly ways and made myself quite miserable wishing I had “more”. Did that phase pass? Of course it did. And other stages came after. Some good, some bad. But certainly for me that stage of life was very hard. If you’re in that phase I really feel for you. I think many of us go through it.