weird situation requiring expert advice

[romanticcop]

I am confused as to whether or not I should ask her for her fathers blessing/permission. I want to do everything right and please everyone that I can, but it seems odd.
This is my first engagement-to-be, but she was previously married to a schmuck. I want to impress her parents but I don''t know how she or her parents would take it.
Any ideas

If so how do I do it?

 

[AtlantaC]

If proposing over and over is the experience necessary to be an expert, then I'm a novice having done it only once. However, there are quite a few threads already on this topic. Use the forum search function.

Meanwhile, I think whether or not you seek a blessing depends on so many things...her relationship with her parents, her age/values, her parents' overall demeanor (traditional or more contemporary?), how well you already know them, etc. I personally didn't talk to her dad because I'd gotten to know them over a two year dating period and already knew they were happy for the two of us. Additionally, her parents weren't the strict traditionalist type so I figured it would be more awkward than impressive.

 

[JimDiamond]

Romantic Cop,

Whether or not to ask her parents is by no means a one-size fits all question. Tell us more about her relationship with her parents and about your relationship with her parents. Do you live together? Does she live at home or on her own? Does she regularly consult with her parents about things or does she not? This only scratches the surface. Does she have brothers/sisters/cousins/friends that you can consult about this? Even any of your friends that know her might be helpful.

If it's right for that couple, many proposers involve their significant other's family before or after the proposal. Bringing up their possible involvement may also be a way to "ask" for permission. It really depends on the two of you and her parents with regard to how formally you ask for "permission". In my own case my girlfriend and our friends said that I should ask/talk to her parents AFTER I propose. (My proposal is scheduled for this Saturday!

It concerns me a bit that it could be a little insulting to do it after, but that's what they tell me. I figure that we'll discuss it further after I propose and if she has a change of heart about her parents being consulted first (because of how real it will suddenly be) then I'll go and ask them quickly after as if I hadn't asked her yet. I really don't think that will be necessary or possible (because she wouldn't want to keep it a secret for even 30 seconds, but I like to have a contigency plan).

So do a search of the forum for past discussions of this topic or tell us more so we can comment.

 

[chialea]

Like everyone's said, it varies a lot. If my SO had done that, I would likely have taken it as an indication that he doesn't know me well enough to marry me! (However, I've been very clear about it)

I told my parents, well in advance, so they've had time to freak out (you're too young to get engaged! you're only 24! you've only been living on your own for 6 years!) and get over it. (they like him, that's not at all an issue.) it was better coming from me for them, and it was better that I have been there every step of the way for the engagement.

So the first factor to consider: how will she feel about it. Some other factors you might want to keep in mind: her last marriage breaking up brought her closer to her family and she regretted that the guy had pushed them apart in the first place... or the other way around.

Now all I need if for NiceIce to come up with a diamond!

 

[Hest88]

I agree with everyone else, but if you can't find out definitively, I'd ask for their permission/blessing. The great thing about tradition is that no matter what their actual feelings are you have the excuse that you were following "tradition."

 

[chialea]

----------------
On 7/7/2004 5:46:44 PM Hest88 wrote:

The great thing about tradition is that no matter what their actual feelings are you have the excuse that you were following 'tradition.'----------------

... and the not-so-great thing is that some people really, really, really hate that excuse. Like I said, I'd really put some thought into it.

 

[ame]

My fiancee asked my dad. My best friends' fiancee's did not ask their dad. (they are sisters)

 

[romanticcop]

Ok... She is a very independent person with a good relationship with her parents, although she doesn't ask their advise or share many issues with them. She is a very quiet, intravert type person and is often complicated to read. I get along with her parents and brother quite well and have for the two years we've been together. They have never really expressed any thoughts about the previous marriage or the future of ours.
I think that I may mention it to her brother and see if he has any input, since they are all so hard to read.
Does this help any?

 

[carrieq]

I think you should go ahead and ask them. Not for tradition sake, but I think it would be a very nice gesture and they would really appreciate the effort you put forth to include them. I think it is always going to be awkward asking, but just tell them how you feel about their daughter, how you would love more than anything to be her husband and care for her, and that it is important to you that you have their acceptance to do so. Hey...it be a great way to begin your relationship with your future in-laws. Good luck!

 

[JimDiamond]

If it wouldn't be too awkward to talk to her brother about it that might be a marvelous idea. Be sure to ask him what the ex-husband did when he proposed if you can. Did he ask for her parents blessing and what were her parents' reaction to asking or not asking. What was her reaction? You should ask his opinion too because she's older and time has passed and she might view things differently now. Information from her directly would be the best source of info of course. If you're close to proposing and want it to be a surprise that could be difficult now. I asked questions of my girlfriend directly and indirectly over time because we talked about marriage plenty. So it will be a surprise (that it is now), but I also got the info I needed. Let us know what you find out if you ask her brother.

 

[diamond_noob]

My gf's parents are fairly traditional but live out of state, so just I called them up, talked for a bit (we've hung out a number of times but I wouldn't say we are close or anything) and I just said something along the lines of...

"I am very much in love with your daughter, and after a lot of prayer, wise counncil, a few sleepless nights, I'm ready to make a life-long committment to love, care, and provide for your daughter and I would be honored to have your blessing on our engagement."

It was neat because I was able to get both of them on the phone, which, since she and her mom share a special bond, was really cool to tell them both at the same time. I think it really just comes down to, what would be most special for her? For me, I knew it would be important for me to have at least asked for their blessing.

 

[jnt]

I asked her parents...

We are both in our 30s, she is a dr (and a specialist). I am about to start post graduate work. We are both very independent and living on our own for a number of years. We are also both divorced. No children from previous marriages.

...why I asked her parents, and it was not really a 'can I marry your daughter?" question. Basically it was a conversation about my thoughts on the marriage and that I would like to be welcomed as a part of their family and to facilitate any questions or comments they have (so they can understand they can 'talk' to me). It was done out of respect for their family...simple as that...and my respect for their raising her to be the independent outstanding person she is. Regardless of what they say, I will still marry her (assuming she says yes of course)-we have all seen romeo and juliet right?

I would, if not for tradition, but out of respect for being 'welcomed' into their family. If in the case she has zero contact with her family, I would nix the idea...

Oh, and FWIW, I threw up from the nerves prior to doing so...man I was a wreck, and few things make me 'worried'.

 

[hoorray]

You know her best, so think about what she will think and feel... my 2cents... most women I know would fall somewhere on the positive side of asking for their blessing, even if they weren't into that. I think it's generally safe because it is thoughtful. Most I know would NOT be happy if you asked for permission. There is a big difference.

 

[questionsRus]

You threw up, i used to get so nervous before athletic competitions that i would throw up every time, and this is a much bigger deal. Hopefully i can restrain myself I've been getting nervous lately a little, and i don't even have a diamond yet! I don't see what it can hurt to ask permission, or at least converse with them about it so they know something is going to happen.

 

[TinLemon]

My fiance is a modern gal and her family is very hip to the times... so I decided that it was best if didn't take the "asking permission" approach, but rather the "here are my plans" approach.... after all.. she is the one who has ultimate power to say yes or no. Also, I figured that since my parents knew I was going to do it, and were excited for me, that I would just sort of tell her parents in the same way. Her Dad is a "guys guy" though, so I decided he would appreciate if I just told him at first (a little bit traditional)... so we were just hanging around before breakfast waiting for the ladies to get ready and I said "So I started looking for a ring..." and that got a little conversation going. He was pretty interested in hearing about the ring, when I was going to do it, etc.... then he was just like "go for it!" It was a very casual conversation, and none of that "this is my first daughter so you better treat her right" kind of stuff.

This worked out very well for me because they all got excited in the following weeks and when I finally proposed everyone was so happy to get the huge secret out in the open.

 

[hoorray]

TimLemon...I love that approach. It lets them be a part of it. It makes for a simplier, less stressful conversation, and it doesn't go down that "permission asking" path. Well done!

 

[wanderlost]

I'd like to chime in that I just took the weekend to fly out to see my future father-in-law & would recommend it to anyone having doubts.

My girlfriend (and her family) are quite modern & I doubt that it was necessary, however, I would like to say that the gesture was appreciated and I had a great time getting to spend time with him in his own environment.

For background, I know all of her family quite well and have been dating her for just over 4.5 years

, but her parents split shortly before I met her. I don't feel it's necessary to ask her mom, but as mentioned in an earlier post will let her know soon after we get engaged. (oh, and to mention..... I did go the permission route and was told that his blessing is what I was looking for & that I had it)...

Wierd conversation if you dwell on it beforehand.... just do it.

 

[romanticcop]

Thanks all,
I think I'm going to take your advice about the "here are my plans conversation" I think that it would go over smoother that way. Thanks again for everyones input! I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

 

[TinLemon]

Yeah... like Wanderlost said..... her Dad was pretty touched by the gesture and made several comments to her mom, to my fiance, and to my own parents about how happy he was that I came to him. I'm also glad that I didn't go with the "May I have your blessing approach..." because to me that has religious conotations, and neither of us are very religious. It would've seemed like more of a formality instead of a gesture of respect.

 

[AtlantaC]

Another reason I didn't...I knew her dad couldn't keep anything from her mom, and I knew her mom would be absolutely no good at not giving it away. So, if surprise is your thing...consider that too.