Wedding shower etiquette

[setell]

Not sure where to post it but do you guys know what the proper wedding shower etiquette is? We're not invited to the wedding and this is not a bridal shower but a wedding shower. It's sorta a surprised party for the couple and almost everybody they know is invited. Which comes to my question. What type of gift should I get them as I feel obligated to get them a gift now (I used to think unless you are good friends I don't get a gift if I'm not invited to the wedding). They are good acquaintances where we go out to lunch/supper together every few months with a bunch of other people. Since they are just good acquaintances I don't want to spend a lot of money but don't want to come off as cheap too. Is a decent $30-$50 gift good enough? When I googled this topic all it gave me was bridal shower etiquettes.

 

[megumic]

I think you are spot on.

 

[lilyfoot]

Am I completely off if I''m wondering why you''re invited to a pre-wedding activity, but not the wedding itself?

 

[setell]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:19:34 AM
Author: lilyfoot
Am I completely off if I''m wondering why you''re invited to a pre-wedding activity, but not the wedding itself?

No clue. Honestly I rather not be invited to anything so I can be "ignorant" and not have to think of a decent gift. I also wish they would call it a party instead of a wedding shower....''sigh'' to me it seems like a present grab/cash grab type of event.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

You''re not obligated to go to the shower, nor are you obligated to give a gift. It''s in poor taste to invite people to a bridal/wedding shower (same thing IMO) if you''re not inviting them to the wedding. It sounds like it''s a gift grabbing ploy. I think a $30-$50 gift is more than generous considering the situation.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:43:46 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You''re not obligated to go to the shower, nor are you obligated to give a gift. It''s in poor taste to invite people to a bridal/wedding shower (same thing IMO) if you''re not inviting them to the wedding. It sounds like it''s a gift grabbing ploy. I think a $30-$50 gift is more than generous considering the situation.

I agree 100%.

I wouldn''t attend, nor would I send a gift.

 

[jewelz617]

I''d spend $30 to $50.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I wouldn''t go if i felt like i was only invited for my gift.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:43:46 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You''re not obligated to go to the shower, nor are you obligated to give a gift. It''s in poor taste to invite people to a bridal/wedding shower (same thing IMO) if you''re not inviting them to the wedding. It sounds like it''s a gift grabbing ploy. I think a $30-$50 gift is more than generous considering the situation.

ditto! I find it rude

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:44:36 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 4/15/2010 9:43:46 AM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

You''re not obligated to go to the shower, nor are you obligated to give a gift. It''s in poor taste to invite people to a bridal/wedding shower (same thing IMO) if you''re not inviting them to the wedding. It sounds like it''s a gift grabbing ploy. I think a $30-$50 gift is more than generous considering the situation.

I agree 100%.


I wouldn''t attend, nor would I send a gift.

Me either.

 

[RaiKai]

I think a wedding shower is the same as a bridal shower...but probably more in Jack & Jill form.

It depends on how close I am to the couple and the wedding. If they are doing a destination wedding I might be inclined to go even if not invited to the wedding. If I was quite certain it was a gift grab...which is MORE than possible as I have seen this happen many times - even cases where wedding invites were made as gift grabs knowing the person would not attend but would send a gift.....I would definitely not go. I even decline going to most wedding socials where I am invited to the wedding for the same reason(basically wedding socials are parties held in a community hall to raise funds for the wedding where you pay $10-15 to get in and there are prize raffles, a cash bar, and a midnight feast of rye bread, kielbasa and pickles - they are very, very common in my home province though I do not seem them often in other places or even other provinces). I find it tacky. If anyone wants to read more about a Manitoba Social: Link to Manitoba Social Description

As for a gift, you are not obligated to give one. Even if you DO go. No one is ever obligated to give a gift. I would not spend more than $50 if you wanted to give one though.

 

[Haven]

I agree with HH--It''s bad form to invite people to pre-wedding activities if they aren''t invited to the actual wedding.

I would decline the invitation, and send a card to the couple.

Question: What''s the difference between a bridal shower and a wedding shower? Is a wedding shower coed, and a bridal shower all female? I''ve never heard of a distinction between the two before.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/15/2010 11:30:52 AM
Author: Haven

Question: What''s the difference between a bridal shower and a wedding shower? Is a wedding shower coed, and a bridal shower all female?

That is my suspicion. Though terminology can sometimes vary region to region so who knows!

 

[that_someone_special]

I thought bridal showers did not include the groom, or males for the most part. I always thought wedding showers were a free for all, anyone is invited and the couple both must attend.

I dunno?

 

[swingirl]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:57:19 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
I wouldn't go if i felt like i was only invited for my gift.

And this is the main reason they are having such a party. The showers are supposed to be more intimate than the wedding reception. If you aren't important or close enough to be invited to the wedding you shouldn't be invited to a party that is strictly a gift-giving event. What ever you want to call it, a "shower" is made to shower gifts on the couple.

 

[movie zombie]

perhaps the couple isn''t aware of a party being planned and its a way for others to include everyone in a celebration. i''d view it as merely another party to attend, give them big congrats on the pending wedding, tell them you''re looking forward to having dinner with them like usual, and leave it at that. i wouldn''t take a gift.

mz

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/15/2010 11:34:46 AM
Author: swedish bean
I thought bridal showers did not include the groom, or males for the most part. I always thought wedding showers were a free for all, anyone is invited and the couple both must attend.

I dunno?

That must be it. I never paid attention to the difference, but it makes complete sense now!

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Date: 4/15/2010 12:57:04 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 4/15/2010 11:34:46 AM

Author: swedish bean

I thought bridal showers did not include the groom, or males for the most part. I always thought wedding showers were a free for all, anyone is invited and the couple both must attend.


I dunno?

That must be it. I never paid attention to the difference, but it makes complete sense now!

I always thought a shower where the groom was present (as well as other men) was called a "couples shower." I guess I have no idea what all the distinctions are.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:43:46 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You''re not obligated to go to the shower, nor are you obligated to give a gift. It''s in poor taste to invite people to a bridal/wedding shower (same thing IMO) if you''re not inviting them to the wedding. It sounds like it''s a gift grabbing ploy. I think a $30-$50 gift is more than generous considering the situation.

Exactly this. I don''t agree with being invited to wedding related activities when you wouldn''t be invited to the real thing. I think if I went, I''d probably spend 30$ on a gift. My time/presence/thoughts are gift enough.

BTW: Setell...I replied to you on RFD once

 

[setell]

Date: 4/15/2010 9:36:12 PM
Author: kama_s

BTW: Setell...I replied to you on RFD once

So who are you on rfd?

Thanks ladies for your input. I sorta feel obligated to go and not going would make me stick out like a sore thumb. Now the hard part is a decent $30-$50 gift

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/16/2010 11:54:54 AM
Author: setell

Date: 4/15/2010 9:36:12 PM
Author: kama_s

BTW: Setell...I replied to you on RFD once

So who are you on rfd?

Thanks ladies for your input. I sorta feel obligated to go and not going would make me stick out like a sore thumb. Now the hard part is a decent $30-$50 gift

You''re a nicer person than I, setell!

Do they have a registry?

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

Date: 4/15/2010 12:50:03 PM
Author: movie zombie
perhaps the couple isn't aware of a party being planned and its a way for others to include everyone in a celebration. i'd view it as merely another party to attend, give them big congrats on the pending wedding, tell them you're looking forward to having dinner with them like usual, and leave it at that. i wouldn't take a gift.

mz

My boss threw us an engagement/wedding party (wasn’t called a ‘shower’, thankfully). We knew we couldn’t afford to invite the entire company to our wedding (only the very few people whom I directly work with), and we felt a little awkward knowing the whole company was invited to celebrate our upcoming wedding. But my boss insisted...

Everyone ended up buying us a gift – most people chipped in with a few others to buy things off our registry. DH and I definitely weren't expecting presents, but I think people felt obligated.

ETA: I'm really not too sure of the point I was trying to make in all of my rambling.

 

[kenny]

OMG, I''m so stupid.
I honestly thought this was asking about the etiquette of the couple showering on their wedding night.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 4/16/2010 1:08:29 PM
Author: kenny
OMG, I'm so stupid.
I honestly thought this was asking about the etiquette of the couple showering on their wedding night.

*snort*
Oh Kenny... I take it you don't frequent BWW much?

Thanks for the giggle.

ETA: Just wanted to make sure you know I'm not calling you stupid! I just apprecaited you sharing your thoughts on the matter of wedding showers(ing).

 

[tlh]

I''d come w/ a congratulations card. I was taught to never come to a party empty handed though. If this is a "party" and not a "shower" I think that gifts are not expected... but more a way to celebrate with those that cannot attend the actual wedding itself.

If you find that you don''t want to have just a card - you can always ask to see where they are registered and get a gift card for $30-50 (though I think that is a bit too much for this type of situation, but could be different depending on this particular social circle.)

I think the point, if they aren''t trying to be reaching for $ and gifts - is just to celebrate the happy time w/ the couple. Enjoy!

 

[charbie]

Date: 4/16/2010 1:08:29 PM
Author: kenny
OMG, I''m so stupid.
I honestly thought this was asking about the etiquette of the couple showering on their wedding night.

pure male awesomeness.

 

[charbie]

Date: 4/16/2010 2:34:04 PM
Author: tlh
I''d come w/ a congratulations card. I was taught to never come to a party empty handed though. If this is a ''party'' and not a ''shower'' I think that gifts are not expected... but more a way to celebrate with those that cannot attend the actual wedding itself.

If you find that you don''t want to have just a card - you can always ask to see where they are registered and get a gift card for $30-50 (though I think that is a bit too much for this type of situation, but could be different depending on this particular social circle.)

I think the point, if they aren''t trying to be reaching for $ and gifts - is just to celebrate the happy time w/ the couple. Enjoy!

this, or if you can find a bottle of wine from your area, or from this year (probably not too easy to find right now...) but that should suffice.

 

[setell]

ahahaha Kenny you crack me up!

I think I like this wine idea Charbie! Thanks for the heads up.

sugarpie honeybun don''t feel bad. I think for these events I wish people would just put "no gifts needed" on the invite so it doesn''t confuse people like me. I also wish folks don''t call it a "shower" either as that is also very confusing. Oh well, I''m sure I''ll get the favour back by having a wedding shower of my own when it''s my turn

 

[zoebartlett]

I''d skip buying a gift and just send a card instead.

 

[MustangGal]

If the shower is a surprise, I wonder if the people hosting it don''t know who IS on the wedding invite list? Maybe that''s how you ended up on one and not the other.

I''d probably skip it altogether.