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Wedding Gift Question

ringbling17

ringbling17

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 14, 2003
Messages
2,856
So I have a question. We were invited to a wedding (12/12) prior to Covid and then the wedding was cancelled. Two weeks before the original scheduled wedding date we were told they were accepting gift cards for their bridal shower (12/5) but no mention of the wedding. We were told they would be having a bridal shower that Sat and the time would be 12 pm. If we could make it great, if not please just mail the gift cards. I decided not to send anything bc if they aren’t getting married, why send them a gift. I wanted to wait until they actual got married or were about to get married to send them a bridal shower/wedding gift. There was no mention that they planned to get married in the text.
All these texts were also being sent to my husband not me, so I was just finding this out more as an afterthought. Think two days before the bridal shower date, I found out about it.
Anyway, a few days ago I noticed on FB that they actually did get married on 12/12. Of course I congratulated them.
So my question is, since we were told the wedding was cancelled do we get them a gift. Also how much do we send them since there was no actual wedding and if there was, we weren’t invited.
 
I don’t think there are any “etiquette rules” in this situation so do whatever you feel comfortable with. If on the fence I would lean towards sending something if you can afford it. It’s a strange year and kindness and well wishes are a good thing.
 
kgizo said:
I don’t think there are any “etiquette rules” in this situation so do whatever you feel comfortable with. If on the fence I would lean towards sending something if you can afford it. It’s a strange year and kindness and well wishes are a good thing.
Click to expand...

Thanks!
I’ve always been weird myself about getting gifts or asking for them. For me personally I wouldn’t ask someone for a bridal gift if I told them I cancelled my wedding.

But you are right about kindness and well wishes.

The other thing is I have no idea how much to get them. I have no idea how much is appropriate. I feel like $50 is too little but I also don’t want to send them $500.
 
My guess is things went wonky because of Covid-19. Still, my understanding is it's always rude to solicit gifts. So according to that, whoever gave the shower shouldn't have told invitees to send a gift card if they couldn't attend.

Also, my understanding is that if someone isn't invited to the wedding, they shouldn't be invited to the shower. Otherwise, it just seems like a money grab.

Thirdly, if they only invited you to the shower two days ahead of time, that's rude too. (I wasn't sure if you meant that or that your husband didn't pass the invitation on to you in a timely manner). They could have at least offered a quick apology/excuse in the invitations, if there was some reason for such short notice.

All that said, the shower is (traditionally) given by a friend or somewhat distant family member of the bride. So it could be that whoever threw the shower made those mistakes, with the bride or groom not even being aware of them.

I don't think you're ever expected to send a gift to a wedding you weren't invited to (or for one you were "uninvited" to). If it was a full-sized wedding and you were basically just ditched, I would definitely not send them anything. And if, as is likely, they greatly downsized it because of the pandemic, then I still don't think you're obligated. But you could still send them something if you feel like it. Let us know how it goes!
 
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Honestly I would still send a gift, if just to brighten up her year a bit. We have a family friend who had to cancel her wedding and elope and as soon as we can afford it we will be sending her one as well. I feel for the 2020 and 2021 brides who want the whole bridal shebang and can't really have it because of something outside their control

I have no idea of it's proper etiquette though. It's just how I feel since I'm in a similar situation with our family friend :)
 
I don't get the whole bridal shower mega production so I'd skip that
but i have always sent a present when unable to go to a wedding

However if they are going to have another post covid ceremony/ party i would save the present till then - because to expect otherwise would be double dipping on their part and this year has been tough on every one


Different if you're the bride's sister or best friend otherwise definatly no to the bridal shower gift
Or perhaps you could donate to a needy charity in her name
 
I would suggest sending a gift.

My own default wedding gift is a photo frame, and how much I would spend on it is dependent upon how well I know the bride or groom or both.

I found an eBay seller based in Italy that stocks a wide range of sterling silver or silver-plated photo frames in different designs and sizes to suit all tastes and budgets.

DK :))
 
I think the etiquette is lacking on their side, covid or no covid. I think a nice card and if you want to send something is fine. I personally would just do a nice card. Even the $50 idea is fine, I think, if you want to send something. I don't think it's necessary strictly speaking though.
 
I’m glad I’m not on fb, lol, bc I would not have this issue. That being my case, I would have no knowledge of their wedding and thus, sent them no gift. But since you congratulated them, maybe just send them a bottle of wine or a gift card for one. Just a small token IMO
 
I so feel for couples trying to get married this year. We've had 3 couples with cancelled, postponed, and completely rearranged weddings. They've all handled it differently.

One couple cancelled their big wedding and did their max 15 people in person (immediate family excluding their brother's spouses and children, that's how small 12 + bride, groom, and photographer is!) and the rest of their guests via Zoom with 3 days notice because they feared rules would change again. One couple was planning for the 2nd time after their original plans were lost to lockdown, with Wedding Version 3 having no date as of yet because 2021 is booked solid. One couple eloped while they still could but are continuing to hold out hope for their reception in 2021.

This has been a terrible year for anyone trying to plan anything. If you would have gotten them a gift, go with it and get them one. Hopes and dreams have been dashed, deposits lost, and plans rearranged with days notice if they're lucky! The couple had the ability to get married and did that - great! You didn't have to expose yourself to other people at any ceremony or reception - great! That sounds like a win all around!
 
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I think send something, from their perspective the whole thing is probably painful. And they were probably focused on (a) what the right thing to do was and salvaging the situation as apposed to the exact message they sent (you never know a family member may even have typed it as it must feel like shit to cancle your own wedding like that after the planing etc) and (b) probably canceling services and recouping costs as they may have paid for some arbitary portion already and wont neccessarily have got it all back. Ofcourse they posisbly shouldnt get it all back, but weddings are stupidly expensive and a lot of people are short on funds this year.

When you think about it, this probably looks like a whitewash from their perspective. Id send them a nice card and a present if possible. So they get the feeling that their friends/family cared.

If your feeling like seeing something totally misserable -- but probably life from their perspective. Skim the top page of reddit r/weddingplanning. This used to be one of the biggest subs for planning wedings. I checked it a few months ago out of curiousity. It was a shit show.
 
There used to be a rule of thumb about a monetary gift at least covering the cost of a couple's dinner at a wedding reception. Not sure anyone subscribes to any rules these days. I like the suggestion of a lovely card and a hundred dollar bill. Since you didn't attend a ceremony or a reception, that would acknowledge that the wedding occurred and cash is always nice to purchase things from a registry or just things they need in general.
 
Thank you everyone. So to answer some info in some of the responses-
The text my husband got was from the bride’s mother telling him that instead of a bridal shower they were going to do a card gift shower. So no gift, but a gift card for a few different places listed and they wanted the gift cards sent to the bride’s mother. She was going to collect everything and give it to her daughter.
The actual wedding was going to take place in their house. They bought a house together two years ago and have been living together. They are both teachers btw in upstate NY.
I did send a text to her and asked her if she got married (the picture of them on FB is them kissing on an alter but no caption) and told her I owed her a gift. She never responded. I don’t know her address so I don’t know where to send the gift to. She has not responded to any of my texts. I sent her a happy thanksgiving text and a merry Christmas text. The last text I got from her was that the wedding was cancelled back on 10/16.
 
marymm said:
If it were me, I'd mail a beautiful wedding card and include a crisp $100 bill (if you can).
Click to expand...

thank you! That sounds like a great idea!
 
kayla17 said:
Thank you everyone. So to answer some info in some of the responses-
The text my husband got was from the bride’s mother telling him that instead of a bridal shower they were going to do a card gift shower. So no gift, but a gift card for a few different places listed and they wanted the gift cards sent to the bride’s mother. She was going to collect everything and give it to her daughter.
The actual wedding was going to take place in their house. They bought a house together two years ago and have been living together. They are both teachers btw in upstate NY.
I did send a text to her and asked her if she got married (the picture of them on FB is them kissing on an alter but no caption) and told her I owed her a gift. She never responded. I don’t know her address so I don’t know where to send the gift to. She has not responded to any of my texts. I sent her a happy thanksgiving text and a merry Christmas text. The last text I got from her was that the wedding was cancelled back on 10/16.
Click to expand...

If she's not responding to your text messages, I wouldn't send a gift. I also agree that if you weren't invited to the wedding, no gift is needed.
 
seaurchin said:
My guess is things went wonky because of Covid-19. Still, my understanding is it's always rude to solicit gifts. So according to that, whoever gave the shower shouldn't have told invitees to send a gift card if they couldn't attend.

Also, my understanding is that if someone isn't invited to the wedding, they shouldn't be invited to the shower. Otherwise, it just seems like a money grab.

Thirdly, if they only invited you to the shower two days ahead of time, that's rude too. (I wasn't sure if you meant that or that your husband didn't pass the invitation on to you in a timely manner). They could have at least offered a quick apology/excuse in the invitations, if there was some reason for such short notice.

All that said, the shower is (traditionally) given by a friend or somewhat distant family member of the bride. So it could be that whoever threw the shower made those mistakes, with the bride or groom not even being aware of them.

I don't think you're ever expected to send a gift to a wedding you weren't invited to (or for one you were "uninvited" to). If it was a full-sized wedding and you were basically just ditched, I would definitely not send them anything. And if, as is likely, they greatly downsized it because of the pandemic, then I still don't think you're obligated. But you could still send them something if you feel like it. Let us know how it goes!
Click to expand...

I do feel like this too. Like if you cancel a wedding then don’t request a shower gift. But the mother is the one who asked for the gift cards and was doing the shower for her.
The text for the shower gift/ get together was a week before it was going to happen and two weeks before the wedding date.
The mother text my husband. She has never text me. I don’t like her and and vice versa but she is related to my husband. The bride I do really like but other than the occasional holiday greeting we don’t see or text each other and she has never text my husband.
 
MeowMeow said:
Honestly I would still send a gift, if just to brighten up her year a bit. We have a family friend who had to cancel her wedding and elope and as soon as we can afford it we will be sending her one as well. I feel for the 2020 and 2021 brides who want the whole bridal shebang and can't really have it because of something outside their control

I have no idea of it's proper etiquette though. It's just how I feel since I'm in a similar situation with our family friend :)
Click to expand...

Thank you! I appreciate your kindness! I know she was excited.
 
Daisys and Diamonds said:
I don't get the whole bridal shower mega production so I'd skip that
but i have always sent a present when unable to go to a wedding

However if they are going to have another post covid ceremony/ party i would save the present till then - because to expect otherwise would be double dipping on their part and this year has been tough on every one


Different if you're the bride's sister or best friend otherwise definatly no to the bridal shower gift
Or perhaps you could donate to a needy charity in her name
Click to expand...
I don’t know if they are planning another wedding or if that was it. The photo is them kissing on an alter with no caption. There is no one else in the photo. So I assumed they got married and congratulated them. She did not acknowledge my response with a like or anything.
A charity also sounds like a great idea!
dk168 said:
I would suggest sending a gift.

My own default wedding gift is a photo frame, and how much I would spend on it is dependent upon how well I know the bride or groom or both.

I found an eBay seller based in Italy that stocks a wide range of sterling silver or silver-plated photo frames in different designs and sizes to suit all tastes and budgets.

DK :))
Click to expand...
A frame sounds like a great idea! I wonder if I can download the picture she posted on FB and make it bigger and then have it framed.
elizat said:
I think the etiquette is lacking on their side, covid or no covid. I think a nice card and if you want to send something is fine. I personally would just do a nice card. Even the $50 idea is fine, I think, if you want to send something. I don't think it's necessary strictly speaking though.
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Yes! I agree with you too regarding the etiquette.
That’s part of my problem why I don’t know what to do. They are related to my husband. The mother text my husband not me. Everyone knows you don’t text my husband. He has no idea what to do and he will never respond. Plus he is cheap! He thinks $10 is a great amount.
Yet I kind of feel even though she only text him, they are probably talking about me. And wondering why I didn’t send something even though technically I could say I had no idea.
I’m also wondering if that is the reason the bride is not responsive to my texts.
 
With your additional info in mind,...
I wouldn't persist with the mother of the bride. She's not answering you no need to beg her to send a gift.
If you're friendly with the bride and she's family, once you're back in touch after the holidays or Covid or she's back from a honeymoon, send a nice card and whatever you want as a gift.

Even if you weren't invited for whatever reason (all 3 couple friends I mentioned had invited us and then pandemic chaos) it'd be nice as a newlywed to be acknowledged and feel like your milestone mattered even in this crazy world where nearly everything is viewed as more important than a wedding.
 
nala said:
I’m glad I’m not on fb, lol, bc I would not have this issue. That being my case, I would have no knowledge of their wedding and thus, sent them no gift. But since you congratulated them, maybe just send them a bottle of wine or a gift card for one. Just a small token IMO
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Lol! I’m liking the idea of a gift card. I just don’t know where to send it and she hasn’t responded to my texts.
Rhea said:
I so feel for couples trying to get married this year. We've had 3 couples with cancelled, postponed, and completely rearranged weddings. They've all handled it differently.

One couple cancelled their big wedding and did their max 15 people in person (immediate family excluding their brother's spouses and children, that's how small 12 + bride, groom, and photographer is!) and the rest of their guests via Zoom with 3 days notice because they feared rules would change again. One couple was planning for the 2nd time after their original plans were lost to lockdown, with Wedding Version 3 having no date as of yet because 2021 is booked solid. One couple eloped while they still could but are continuing to hold out hope for their reception in 2021.

This has been a terrible year for anyone trying to plan anything. If you would have gotten them a gift, go with it and get them one. Hopes and dreams have been dashed, deposits lost, and plans rearranged with days notice if they're lucky! The couple had the ability to get married and did that - great! You didn't have to expose yourself to other people at any ceremony or reception - great! That sounds like a win all around!
Click to expand...
Yes. I definitely would have gotten them a gift if I had been invited to their wedding. The question is do I still get them another gift if they decide at a later time to have a big wedding. Hmmm!
The wedding was supposed to be at their house so I hope they didn’t lose too much money.
qubitasaurus said:
I think send something, from their perspective the whole thing is probably painful. And they were probably focused on (a) what the right thing to do was and salvaging the situation as apposed to the exact message they sent (you never know a family member may even have typed it as it must feel like shit to cancle your own wedding like that after the planing etc) and (b) probably canceling services and recouping costs as they may have paid for some arbitary portion already and wont neccessarily have got it all back. Ofcourse they posisbly shouldnt get it all back, but weddings are stupidly expensive and a lot of people are short on funds this year.

When you think about it, this probably looks like a whitewash from their perspective. Id send them a nice card and a present if possible. So they get the feeling that their friends/family cared.

If your feeling like seeing something totally misserable -- but probably life from their perspective. Skim the top page of reddit r/weddingplanning. This used to be one of the biggest subs for planning wedings. I checked it a few months ago out of curiousity. It was a shit show.
Click to expand...
Thanks for responding! Yikes! I’m afraid to click on that link. I do feel bad for everyone who had to cancel their plans.
 
MissGotRocks said:
There used to be a rule of thumb about a monetary gift at least covering the cost of a couple's dinner at a wedding reception. Not sure anyone subscribes to any rules these days. I like the suggestion of a lovely card and a hundred dollar bill. Since you didn't attend a ceremony or a reception, that would acknowledge that the wedding occurred and cash is always nice to purchase things from a registry or just things they need in general.
Click to expand...

Yes! I do that. Always at least enough to cover our dinner and then a little bit more so they can have at least a bit leftover to start with. I hate that people spend a fortune on their weddings and then start off broke. I’d rather have with a small wedding and no debt.
Everyone seems to agree that a card and $100 seems appropriate. Also if she does plan to have a larger wedding ceremony later I can still give her another gift without feeling like she is double dipping. I can always subtract the $100 from the larger amount I would have given her anyway.
 
I do feel really sorry for brides this year
....but at the end of the day, especially looking at the mounting death toll in America, UK, Europe ....

Well as for not having the big wedding party, bridal shower etc ... ???
It's a first world problem
And even Princess Beatrice managed to do it (get married without the huge production)

Do what you want to do, not what you think they expect you to do
It is bad manners not responding to your congratulatory note


Its bad form to invite lots of people to get lots of presents - that's what spoilt children do if they are not taught to know better

Many many people are finding 2020 tough this year
Its lovelly your friends have been able to marry, even if it was just a small private wedding
Shear their joy but do not feel obligated
 
So, the bride's mother and you do not get along. But they are relatives on your husband's side, so the bride's mother contacted him instead of you.

Then, the bride didn't tell you that she got married but you saw a possible indication of it on her FB. And she also appears to not want to talk to you now?

This might be out of loyalty to her mother or she may be ill, on her honeymoon or some other temporary reason.

If I understood the situation correctly, I think I'd just drop it for now. I'd send a check or gift card only if and when the bride answered me, and not deal with the mother at all.
 
If you don't have an address for the couple and the bride is not responding to your texts, then actually I would just do nothing.

Basically you've reached out more than once without any response. I would feel completely okay at this point to just wait for the couple/their family to send out wedding announcements and at that point you can send a card or do whatever seems right.

People are weird sometimes, and these are strange times anyway ... still it befuddles me that the family/couple aren't more transparent about what's going on -- did they even get married? will there be a large reception in 2021? where should people send congratulations/cards/gifts?

Anyway, you are a good person trying to do the right thing; I hope your husband appreciates your efforts since it's his side of the family!
 
I'm all for gifting and spreading good cheer and am known as a generous person. But if I did not actually know if a couple got married and if they were ignoring my texts I would not give them anything. If your hubby gets more information then a token gift card for $100 would be appropriate so as not to cause hard feelings with his side of the family.
 
Bearing in mind everything you’ve said so far, I think I’d leave it for now, and wait and see whether you get any response. I personally loathe the whole asking for money or having a wedding list at an expensive shop.
 
Hi @kayla17, So I had a completely different reaction when I read your first post vs your last. Initially I was in the camp of send a wedding gift even if just a nice token to show you are happy for them and wish them all the best. However, now, since reading your update that the bride hasn't responded to your texts I am rethinking it. But just want to ask, are you sure you have her correct phone number? If so, I would leave it be then.

However, if she was in contact with you I would send a gift and I like the idea of sending cash. That is what we do in our social circles even if we don't attend the wedding. But of course I have to be invited to the wedding to send a gift. These are different times and since you were invited to their original wedding if she was still in contact with you I would send cash. How much is up to you but since she is ignoring your texts (if you have the right number) I would let it go.
 
It sounds like you're not close. Nice card with warm well wishes would do fine IMO.
 
Well I was going to be, send a gift. But it actually sounds unclear whether they got married or not. Just disregard the nonsense from the mil about giftcards. The bride doesn't organize the shower so I wouldn't blame the bride on that. As far as the couple since they are not responding to texts (and you are sure you have their correct number etc). Just wait until you receive a formal announcement of wedding before sending anything (ditto lisalovesshiny)
 
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