Wedding Etiquette Survey - Just for fun!

[merbear1215]

Hi Ladies,

There have been several times throughout wedding planning that I have thought "come on, are you kidding me. People should know better." My best friend said something like "I just think everyone needs a little lesson."

So, a survey. What etiquette do you wish people knew more about? OOORRR, and this is totally just for fun, some thing etiquette wise that bothers you but to my knowledge, is not a part of formal wedding etiquette. For instance, if I invited someone with guest and they RSVP'd just their name plus guest it annoyed me. Don't think that is WRONG, so to speak. I just felt like "well, can we have the name of the person who we will be paying for? or are you still just deciding who you might bring??" I just felt like I want a name on the place card.

Ok, your turn. GO!!

 

[MagsyMay]

Oh goodness... I feel like I could go off on a tirade!

1) Invitation addressed to YOU only does not mean you + guest, nor does invitation addressed to Mr. & Mrs. ____ mean Mr. & Mrs. + children, teenagers, or grandchildren (yes, FI had a great aunt RSVP with a "guest," who later turned out to be her 20 something grandson... and no she did not need a driver/assistance)... GRR. I think this has got to be the most common complaint!!

2) RSVP date means please RSVP by that date. Don't make me track you down, as if I don't have better things to do! And then don't RSVP 21 days late and add an uninvited high school age child (who we decided to accomodate under the circumstances) and THEN NOT SHOW UP. No call, no email, no "sorry something came up suddenly," NO NOTHING. Thanks for wrecking my table arrangements, (because 11 wouldn't fit at my tables) requiring an additional table, and costing a good $200/pp FOR NOTHING. And of course you know they didn't send a gift or card or give any later explanation.... no, I'm not bitter.

Or just plain NEVER RSVP or respond to calls AND emails asking if they would be coming... I mean I get it you aren't coming at this point, but would it kill you to convey that information politely?? Trust me, my feelings won't be hurt, just TELL ME.

3) Mother of Groom should NOT wear a white outfit. No, I'm not that self-absorbed that I think it'll steal my "thunder" but I thought this went without saying...until FIs mother decided to exclaim about the beautiful white suit she bought. Later in a fight between FI and her, he told her as much, so she wore that to the RD, and then wore a bright RED suit jacket instead... btw our colors were pewter and yellow, I said I wasn't going to "dictate" what color mothers should wear (I was thinking silver/purple/navy/gray/black, anything would be fine), but assumed people had better judgment.

4) Ditto to Merbear above, if you have to write "guest" in, that means you don't even know who you are bringing yet, which means this guest is clearly not important to you, nor to the bride and groom. I did give 3-4 friends "guests" because they were the ONLY single friends we had and I did not want them to feel uncomfortable (despite knowing several other friends in attendance) and watched 2 of my friends go on a mad scramble for a date the week of our wedding to the point they were running through their Facebook friend list for ideas!! I mean, you know 5-6 other friends from either high school/college that will be coming, WHY do you need a guest at that point!

5) If you are uninvited to begin with (i.e. someone's uninvited child), PLEASE no special menu requests for said uninvitee!! We had an uninvited child request a VEGAN dinner entree, when we clearly did not have a Vegan entree listed (sorry, guess beef, chicken, AND vegetarian wasn't good enough). Luckily our caterer could easily accomodate, but that about put me over the edge...

Okay that's enough for now, ha!

 

[that_someone_special]

I agree, not RSVPing by the date is rude. Either go or don't go. I don't have time to track you down.

My biggest pet peeve... if you agreed to be in the wedding party, then assume you might have to help the bride out SOME TIME before the wedding. A person in my wedding party has blown me off more times than I can count.. it's getting to the point where I don't think that person even wants to be friends anymore.. and has me wondering why they would even go to the wedding in the first place. This person has actually been a sourpuss since we got engaged.. from comments about my original e-ring ("Oh.. I thought it would've been bigger!") to posting things on FB regarding not having to worry about my wedding for once (As if that person has actually helped with a SINGLE thing yet).

My mother was going to wear a stark white top to the wedding. My dress is ivory and everyone else will be in black/ blue purple. She said I was picking on her. I just thought it was inappropriate and she would look weird in pictures. She has finally picked a different top.

A guest and their partner are now bringing 3 other guests.

A ton of people have asked us about the wedding and why they aren't invited, and how it was rude not to invite them. What part of small wedding didn't you understand?

Fi's parents are not going. They wanted to plan a grooms dinner and make everyone but his side of the family pay for their own dinner.. (AHEM over my dead body).

 

[RissaLou]

So I also had ridiculously annoying guest list issues. Fi invited two of his regular customers from work to our wedding, because they always take good care of him and they have bonded over great conversation. We had a small wedding and and they were the only non-family/very close friends coming. Well two weeks before the wedding they told fi about two out of town guests that were going to be here during the wedding and asked fi if they could bring their guests. Fi politely let them know that we could not accommodate more guests, they said something along the lines of "oh come on it's a wedding" and fi politely explained that our venue price was based on a quaint wedding (75 people) and that every person over that count costs us $20 plus $18 for the caterer meaning their two extra guests, who we have no connection to whatsoever, would cost us $75 which at this point was a lot for us. Well they laughed and said "oh we can afford that" so fi agreed for them to come. Our gift from them? 50 bucks, not even enough to pay for their extra guests, who by the way sat in the corner the whole time and seemed very uncomfortable because they obviously didn't know anybody. I know it seems silly to be upset over something like money, but come on! Then there were my single friends who automatically assumed that I would know they would bring a date even though they were specifically invited individually. Too bad it would be in poor taste to include a flash card with every invite explaining RSVP/invite wedding etiquette

 

[RissaLou]

Oh yeah, and then there was my good friend, or so I thought, who by the way is very well off, who came to both my bridal shower AND wedding, did she bring a gift, of course not. Again being upset over something like this makes me feel selfish and spoiled, but it does hurt my feelings

 

[ts44]

Etiquette lesson:

If there is a plated dinner with a menu choice on your RSVP card, and you select the fish or chicken, it is NOT ok to force a server to bring you the beef at dinner instead "because it looked good." Seriously. Especially if the bride took the time to put your menu choice on your place card so you'd remember what you ordered, and provided the servers with table maps of every guest, their seating location, and their order so they could seamlessly bring out dinners.

The venue made extra of everything and we still ran out of steak because my husband's entire coworker table did this. Troglodytes! I found out two days after the wedding that thanks to them one of my family tables was served late and had to get fish or chicken because we were out of steak. Who DOES that? Who could possibly think that is OK behavior?

 

[merbear1215]

aah, this makes me feel so much better. None of these are so TOTALLY huge, but the thing is, when you plan a wedding all the things have to fit very carefully. We put a lot of effort. Come on!!

Oh, another RSVP thing. RSVP to where you are supposed to RSVP. The response cards are going to my parents, and the rehearsal dinner response was to go to me via email.

So, telling fiance at work that you plan to come....not RSVPing. Likewise, writing on the response card that you are coming to rehearsal dinner is NOT rsvping!! It's ok, and I get the message. But it is a lot more work then having it all tucked away nicely in a pile.

And about the RSVPing thing: I have heard it said it is rude not to invite all parties with guest. But my thing is, times are tough, weddings are expensive, and I don't LOVE the idea of paying for a meal for a person I have never met when the invited party knows SEVERAL people coming!

Actually, the other day my best friend said this (she is in the midst of planning her own wedding): "I never thought like this until I was on the other side of it, but if you are not dating anyone and your family or all your friends are going to a wedding, I almost like it is a little rude to go out and find a guest."

Oh, and this is a good etiquette lesson for my fiance!! Many of his friends have not RSVP'd. So he called one guy up yesterday to get his response. I heard fiance have to tell him the date and then say something like "well, yeah, if you wanna come and you are able to find a ride up here let me know." I love my fiance for his gentleness but.....WE KNOW NOTHING MORE THAN WE KNEW BEFORE YOU CALLED!! So.....he still is or is not coming?

The bridesmaid thing...totally agree with that gripe. When you agree to be a bridesmaid, that does involve some responsibility. The very least of which would be responding to your emails!!

 

[Cinna]

My biggest peeve for the last eight weddings I've seen is when women wear inappropiate clothing to a church wedding.

Things include:
Gold sequin leggings
Zebra print minidress
All white suites
All white minidress/ spring dress made of lace
SUPER Red minidress that belongs in a nightclub... with SEQUINS!

 

[OUpearlgirl]

These three are aimed at brides..

-Do not include registry information on your invitation. It's plain rude, and I'm shocked by the number I've received with this added to the bottom.

-Do not invite me to a shower and not the wedding. I don't care if you're planning a small, destination wedding. That is great! Just don't invite me to a party intended to shower you with presents when I'm not invited to the big shebang.

-Show up to your appointments. Whether it be to the florist, bridal salon, or cake testing it's so rude to no show. Let's say you have appointments with three florists in one day. If you fall in love with the first one and decide to fill out a contract, it's polite to call and cancel with the other florists. Make up whatever excuse you want, but follow through!


I have my beef with the guests as well!

-A buffet does not mean it's an all-you-can-eat restaurant. I saw one man go back for FOURTHS at a very nice wedding. I wondered if some people didn't get enough to eat because of him!

-The band is not karaoke. I was at a wedding once, the aunt of the bride thought she was a great singer... So she asked the band if she could sing with them, got up on stage, and made my ears bleed with her rendition of "At Last."

-Show up on time. If you are late, don't walk into the ceremony mid-vows.

 

[merbear1215]

OUpeargirl: are you in the industry? Just wondering since you mentioned cancelling of appts. Though I on board with you!! SHOW UP.

Also, about the registry....I don't super care for that. To each his own, but I have always understood it to be word of mouth. I know a girl who registered at 7 or 8 places, and she included this in her invite. To me, any registry mention seems a little forward, but 7 or 8 places seems a bit greedy to me (though I think she thought she was being nice).

The outfits...I SO AGREE. I have seen some things that are not right at a wedding. And it does kind of steal the brides thunder because every one is starting at these people (and not in the good way)!

 

[MagsyMay]

And about the RSVPing thing: I have heard it said it is rude not to invite all parties with guest. But my thing is, times are tough, weddings are expensive, and I don't LOVE the idea of paying for a meal for a person I have never met when the invited party knows SEVERAL people coming! quote]

Yes, this! I was also under the impression that in some circumstances, it is rude to include "and guest" because somehow it implies a person ought to have a significant other/partner/date. For example, a 71 year old widow. I would never have thought to give someone like that a +1 because it sort of draws attention that you do NOT have a husband/wife/significant other, ya know? Hence why we didn't give Great Aunt a +1. When both of Great Aunt's grown children and their spouses were attending, along with the rest of the entire darn family (with whom Great Aunt is close to and used to attending any social events with solo), I was just blown away when she added herself a guest! I mean, if she had a boyfriend or was seeing someone, fine (she's not). But to bring a grandson my husband doesn't even KNOW "just because" UGH!