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wedding dress purchased for previous engagement...wwyoud?

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swimmer

Ideal_Rock
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A relative of mine was engaged almost a decade ago and purchased a dress and BM dresses for the occasion. She called it off before invites went out, but none of us knew that her mom kept the dress. I just found out and shrieked, "donate it" because of the karma attached to the dress. But her mom pointed out that the dress cost $900 (tags still on I had to run upstairs and see it to believe it) and the BM dresses in all their pink and white with lace of the late 90s variety were paid for and well... what to do?

I''m not supposed to know that she and her BF are ring hunting and I bet that the future bride does not know about the dress hanging in an unused upstairs closet. I just do not want the future bride to be upset about what went down in the past...esp since we have seen how hurt she was by what happened in ancient history. DH is certain that this past pain is what has taken her so long to marry her BF who is the most amazing man! He is just the best. We can just see future bride calling her mom with the news of her engagement and her mom saying "oh thank goodness that dress is finally going to get used" and ruining the entire time. gahh! that would be the worst, I am tearing up for her over this right now.

The dress is a sundress with straps, wide, with white on white embroidery, sort of casual looking, I had something similar for graduation. The future bride is a very chic, very hip NYC lady. She is prob the same size, fluctuating between a 0 and a 2 her entire adult life, but always gorgeous. And how to say this and not sound glib, but money is not the point here, both parties are doing well enough that a new dress would not be a hardship.

OK, options are just to:
A. I should forget about it.
B. tell her mom to donate or preownedweddingdresses.com it
C. what would you do?
D. steal it in the night and dispose of it myself (totally possible)

Thank you for reading and posting, DH is set to go steal it this weekend, I want some other insights. I didn''t make a poll because I''d like to see your reasoning.
 

Smurfysmiles

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 30, 2007
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3,938
Sell it! And use the money to get a new prettier dress :)
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
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I would approach her mom with the same things you told us. Mention that you think that telling her daughter to use the previously purchased gown for her upcoming wedding might bring back old pain. Hopefully the momther will understand. If you are having a hard time getting her to come around bring up all the websites that she might be able to see the gown on (oncewed, preowned, craigslist, ebay, etc) or mention donating it one of the many charities that sells gowns to raise money.
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
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Thanks Smurfy,
I honestly don''t think we can get $20 for this. It is so dated and so small.
Also what to do with bm dresses? Or is that too much to deal with and just focus on the dress? The MOH has put on 40lbs and had 3 kids in the time since that dress was purchased.
I keep dithering over this, if you had purchased a dress just after college, would you want to wear it after what went down (plus the changes in style) and you are now almost 30? Not sure if I can convince her mom to not mention the dress for awhile or in a small way without making it a big thing.
 

idreamofcushions

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2008
Messages
736
Haha! While I LOVE the idea of option D, I think this would probably draw more attention to the dress. Mom would soon discover it''s missing and would most likely confront her daughter, thinking she had taken it, therefore defeating the purpose. So I say...abort mission. (though I would''ve loved to read about it afterwards!)

I think you should simply confront future bride''s mom and ask her not to mention the dress, in the best interest of her daughter. If you explain it the way you did here, I''m sure she''ll understand.

Best of luck!
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
hmm. Maybe I am reading this completely wrong... but if it's not your daughter, son, someone really close to you why would you be the one worrying about what to do with it? I just don't think I am understanding why you are so bothered by it. My aunt has my cousins dress and a bridesmaid dress (from her 1st marriage) in one of her closets, so maybe I am just biased and don't see the big deal.

I understand you are worried about her mom mentioning it when she does get engaged, but she can do that with or without the dress in the house. (Ie, "I hope this dress actually makes it to the alter, unlike the last one still in my closet... or the one I had to sell, etc) I don't see a reason to mention, steal, or whatever with the dress. Maybe just mention to the mom how much it would hurt her daughter to relive those memories and have her try and make an effort to not bring it up in the future.
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
2,516
Thanks C!
Mom does NOT get it. She also wanted me to wear my sister''s dress to my wedding. Yeah, I am 7 inches taller than her and she had a black tie winter wedding and mine was summer garden. But other than that, a great plan. The mom in question has not purchased a new dress for herself this century easily, I have planted the seed that she might not get to wear tapered slacks (w/ pleats) to this wedding (of her daughter). Think unreconstructed hippie. Way more leftie than me. Love her, love her and her mom-jeans very very much, I really do. Ah, must go to sleep and not think about it. After all, I don''t even technically know about the engagement.
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
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Def, good point. The mom in question and I are very very tight, the future bride is a sister by choice. The stealing would have been done with full knowledge of the Mom, just to get it out of the house without further discussion. does that make sense? No, it doesn't.

ETA and we are all related, rather closely. Does that matter?
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
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Date: 3/4/2009 9:16:22 PM
Author: swimmer
Def, good point. The mom in question and I are very very tight, the future bride is a sister by choice. The stealing would have been done with full knowledge of the Mom, just to get it out of the house without further discussion. does that make sense? No, it doesn''t.

ETA and we are all related, rather closely. Does that matter?
No, I re-read my post and it really doesn''t matter if you are related at all. That''s just me getting ahead of my thoughts. I understand that you meant with her moms full knowledge and not really ''stealing'' it. lol I can picture the ''break in'' and mad dash to get the dress.


I guess my point was really just to say that the dress doesn''t matter it''s the conversation (with the future bride,etc) that needs to be avoided. You talking about ''the dress'' with the mom may help be a convo starter about her avoiding bringing it up and spoiling her daughters happiness.
I can totally see my aunt making a comment about the dress in her closet, not meaning any harm, but it WOULD hurt my cousin... so I think that is really thoughtful of you to think of the future bride. :)
 

Brown.Eyed.Girl

Ideal_Rock
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6,893
Date: 3/4/2009 9:06:44 PM
Author: Clairitek
I would approach her mom with the same things you told us. Mention that you think that telling her daughter to use the previously purchased gown for her upcoming wedding might bring back old pain. Hopefully the momther will understand. If you are having a hard time getting her to come around bring up all the websites that she might be able to see the gown on (oncewed, preowned, craigslist, ebay, etc) or mention donating it one of the many charities that sells gowns to raise money.
Ditto to everything
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
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19,456
Steal it!!!

(But I''m devious...)
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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10,287
I don''t think you need to do a thing... except to try to be there when she tells her daughter about her wonderful idea, because I imagine DD''s reaction will be -- as they say -- priceless.
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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2,516
Thanks guys, I am going to sit down with the Mom in the situation and see if she can hold off on asking about the dress(es). DH has even worked himself into a frenzy over this. Have any of you planned parts of a wedding with one man and then gone through with it with another? I told him that when shopping for a dress I never thought "Oh, what would my man like?" But he is just creeped out by the idea of the karma of the dress and its further working me up. He has known/cared deeply about the future bride for most of her life so he has earned that insight. His plan is to accidentally spill red wine on it. Thank you for your far more rational responses.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
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Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Sell it and put the money towards something new.
 

violet02

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
2,201
I would TOTALLY sell it.

Get this:

My friend got married and his new wife (aka one of my BM''s from hell later on) wore the same exact dress she got married in the first time! She had it re-cut into a new shape. Sorry but I''m a tad superstitious and I can''t even believe he was okay with that. He hates her even talking about her first husband, who I might add she had a terrible marriage to.

She tried to convince him to let her wear her engagement ring as a right hand ring but he said no way. I''d have had it re-set but he wants it gone. I''m still suprised though about that dress. egads!
 

LostSapphire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 4, 2007
Messages
3,336
Might be an idea to give the future bride some credit too..... I''m sure she knows her mom pretty well, and is mature enough to deal with her.

If she falls apart because her mother brings up the original dress and BM''s dresses, then she''s still not dealt with the pain from the breakup. So she has some work to do.

Why all that stuff is still sitting around in somebody''s closet is weird.

Just my $0.02

LS
 
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