Wedding Drama Vent

[joflier]

Here''s the story. I''ve been divorced for about a year. My exe''s cousin is one of my closest friends. We''ve been besties since we were 6, and yesterday was her wedding. I was orginally set to be one of her bridesmaids, but after the divorce started, we both thought it better that I wasn''t standing up - being that her extended family were my ex-inlaws, and all the awkwardness, etc.....But she still very much wanted me to be there and be a part of the day. I was hurt by it all, but I also understood her position. Keep in mind - that her and my ex are cousins, but their were never that close.
Fast forward to this weekend - a year later. I decided not to go to the wedding ceremony - it seemed like something more intimate and more geared towards a family atmosphere. I was just going to the reception - which was at a huge banquet hall with several hundred people. That way I could just blend in, stick around for a bit, see some friends that I haven''t seen in ages, etc.....
I came to the reception, and sat at a table with some friends, talking, and enjoying the evening. Next thing I know my ex MIL came and sat next to me, and started carrying on about why was I there? The bride told her that I wouldn''t be coming, and why would I lie about that, and show up anyhow? (I rsvp''ed just like anyone else, weeks before). Then she started carrying on about how my day was last month on what would have been our wedding anniversary, and how the whole family was in tears on that day. (I do find that hard to believe, because my ex usually didn''t remember our anniversary when we WERE married)

About 15 minutes later, the bride''s sister came to talk to me. She said that I had to leave, because my ex (and his new girlfriend), his parents, and brother, all said they were leaving if I did not. They apparently were all sitting in their cars in the parking lot. So I left, very humilated and hurt, and probably being there 1/2 an hour.

I just have so many issues on this whole thing. I''m hurt that my best friend would actually TELL me that I had to leave. After we''ve talked for months how important it was to her to have me there. Why having 6 people there, that she''s not even that close to was so important....And why that family felt the need to make such a scene and carry on and ruin a day that was all about her. Especially when he''s there with his GIRLFRIEND!!!! I came by myself, very quietly. I wasn''t buzzing around the room, trying to cause any drama. I just wanted to share in a celebration with my friends, in a dining hall that was huge and filled with people. If you wanted to avoid someone, it wouldn''t be that hard! And then I have to get up and walk out in front of everyone, and none of them even bothered to come back. I am just dumbfounded by that! If I had family that behaved that way, I''d say, thanks for coming, and please don''t let the door hit you on the way out!

 

[Shoopy]

I''m sorry this happened

. I remember your post before about the wedding.

Do you know for a fact that your bff was the one that sent over her sister or did her sister take it upon herself to tell you to leave?

Honestly, in all of this you were the better person. Don''t forget that!

 

[janinegirly]

EEk that is awful, I''m sorry. You did everything right and are correct it is an awful way to treat someone. However I think it is very meessy when it comes to missing ex''s with family/best friends, and perhaps it''s beter to cut ties all together. Who wants all that drama and reminders anyway?

Was your divorce messy? It might also be too soon to try to mingle as firends or acquaintances, especially for something like a wedding which is high emotions already and mostly family oriented. You may be ok with it, but sounds like most on the ex''s side are not.

Again, sorry you had to go through this.

 

[purrfectpear]

Bottom line? Your ex is the cousin of the bride, your ex MIL is the aunt of the bride (and sister to the Mother of the bride), and you are not family. Sorry, but there it is.

I''m sorry the bride did not handle it better beforehand, but on her behalf she probably hoped against hope that no one would fuss. The family did, and she made her choice. I think it''s tacky to attend a reception and not the ceremony myself. A wedding is ABOUT the ceremony, not the after party.

Cheer up, it''s not worth being upset over

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/21/2009 12:34:12 PM
Author: janinegirly
EEk that is awful, I''m sorry. You did everything right and are correct it is an awful way to treat someone. However I think it is very meessy when it comes to missing ex''s with family/best friends, and perhaps it''s beter to cut ties all together. Who wants all that drama and reminders anyway?

Was your divorce messy? It might also be too soon to try to mingle as firends or acquaintances, especially for something like a wedding which is high emotions already and mostly family oriented. You may be ok with it, but sounds like most on the ex''s side are not.

Again, sorry you had to go through this.

Our divorce was a divorce, but it wasn''t overly messy. He''s had a serious g/f for some time now. He actually told the bride awhile back that he really didn''t care if I came.

Fiery: Yes, she was the one. I guess it comes down to this; don''t invite me, #1, and #2 - dont'' make such a big deal about how badly you''ll feel if I''m not there. We talked about it so much, and she wanted me there so badly, that I felt like I was really letting her down by saying no.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/21/2009 1:07:35 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 12/21/2009 12:34:12 PM
Author: janinegirly
EEk that is awful, I''m sorry. You did everything right and are correct it is an awful way to treat someone. However I think it is very meessy when it comes to missing ex''s with family/best friends, and perhaps it''s beter to cut ties all together. Who wants all that drama and reminders anyway?

Was your divorce messy? It might also be too soon to try to mingle as firends or acquaintances, especially for something like a wedding which is high emotions already and mostly family oriented. You may be ok with it, but sounds like most on the ex''s side are not.

Again, sorry you had to go through this.

Our divorce was a divorce, but it wasn''t overly messy. He''s had a serious g/f for some time now. He actually told the bride awhile back that he really didn''t care if I came.

Fiery: Yes, she was the one. I guess it comes down to this; don''t invite me, #1, and #2 - dont'' make such a big deal about how badly you''ll feel if I''m not there. We talked about it so much, and she wanted me there so badly, that I felt like I was really letting her down by saying no.

Nice backbone... #1) she didn''t tell anyone that you were invited, #2) didn''t tell anyone that she really wanted you there, and #3) she had the nerve to ask you to leave after begging you to come.

I surely hope that this "friendship" is over. A person that causes me public humiliation is not a "Friend" I want around any more.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I'm so sorry you were treated that way.

It sounds to me like your friend was put in a very tough position by your lame ex in-laws who couldn't put aside their differences for her happiness. I would cut her some slack if you can. She's not the one who got in her car to leave; that was your ex's family. They were willing to ruin her reception over someone she invited (did they really think you crashed a reception so you could mingle awkwardly with your ex-family? Duh.). I feel sad for her. Having her sister ask you to leave wasn't because she didn't want you there but because she wanted the drama to end. If you had gotten to be a bridesmaid, your job would have been to help your friend have the best day possible. You'd try to make sure she didn't have to deal with crap like that. So even though you didn't get to be an official BM, you can still think of what you went through as you doing your BM duties.

I bet you that your ex's family wasn't even worried about your ex; they were just enjoying having a reason to feel victimized.

Two people who spent years being married are bound to know people in common and run into each other from time to time. Get over it already, dumb ex in-laws.

 

[treefrog]

I wish I had some kind of magic kind words that would make you feel better. I don''t get it but I do give you a lot of credit for trying to do the right thing for everybody. The fact of the matter is weddings aren''t cheap. You were invited because somebody wanted you to be there. You gave it a lot of thought and RSVP''d in plenty of time. It shouldn''t have been a surprise to anybody that you were wanted there and would be there. I could go on an on but let me just say it was a bad, unfortunate situation and I give YOU a lot of credit for handling it like you did.

Treefrog

 

[AmberGretchen]

What a crappy situation for you to have had to go through. I think your ex and his family are entirely to blame for behaving so inappropriately and putting the bride (and you) in such a tough spot.

I wouldn''t write your friend off just yet - she was in a tough spot, and admittedly didn''t handle it as well as she could have, but it wasn''t a situation she should have had to deal with.

I''d give it some cooling-off time and then try to talk things through with her, let her know how hurt you are (justifiable) but that you understand that ex and his family put her in a really tough position.

 

[luckystar112]

It''s understandable to me that the bride would choose the family over you, though I do think it sucks. But even if she isn''t close to that part of the family, it would look REALLY bad for her to choose you over them. The bottom line is that you shouldn''t have been put in that situation in the first place. I agree with whoever said that the bride must have been in denial about how big of an issue it would be. And I really like the comment someone made about considering it part of your BM duties. At the very least, their actions were confirmation that you did the right thing by divorcing your husband.
I don''t know if dumping your friend for good is the right answer, especially if she was in a tough spot and feeling pressure from people to do somethin. But at the very least she could have talked to you herself (if she knew). I certainly wouldn''t let her off the hook easily.

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry this happened, Jo, nobody should be treated that poorly.

Your friend obviously could have handled the situation better. I do think that it is really tough when you divorce someone yet try to remain friends with some of your ex''s family members.

We''re going through something similar in my husband''s family right now. My BIL is going through a divorce right now. He and his wife were married for 14 years. She became very good friends her soon-to-be ex husband''s first cousin, who is having a hard time understanding that just because they are friends that doesn''t mean that she should still be invited to family events. The bottom line is that my BIL is family, and no matter how long he was married to his wife, she''s not, so his wishes are the most important to us. (It''s easier for us, though, because my SIL is a very nasty person.)

I know your situation is a bit different, especially since this was a wedding, but I bet the family is pretty shocked that their family member would invite her cousin''s recent ex to a family event.

Big hugs, Jo.

 

[LilyKat]

Your ex-in laws sound like childish, hideous drama queens. And the bride sounds a bit spineless and less than a true friend.

Honestly, I'd quietly end your contact with the whole lot of them (at least for now, until the dust settles - then perhaps resume contact slowly with your friend). Don't waste any more mental energy on it.

I'm sorry you were treated in such a disgraceful way.

 

[HollyS]

Yes, you were treated like absolute crap. And that had to have hurt coming from what was a best friend. WAS a best friend; remember that.

Wash your hands of every one of them, painful though it may be, and leave them to their drama. Obviously drama is the operative word with this family (based on your previous posts). Once you''re past the ''woe is me'' stage and have moved on to ''who gives a poo'', you''ll be happy as a clam to know that you don''t belong with that nutso bunch anymore.

And hold your head high. YOU and YOU ALONE acted with class in this situation. You have nothing to be humiliated over.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/21/2009 1:12:28 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/21/2009 1:07:35 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 12/21/2009 12:34:12 PM
Author: janinegirly
EEk that is awful, I''m sorry. You did everything right and are correct it is an awful way to treat someone. However I think it is very meessy when it comes to missing ex''s with family/best friends, and perhaps it''s beter to cut ties all together. Who wants all that drama and reminders anyway?

Was your divorce messy? It might also be too soon to try to mingle as firends or acquaintances, especially for something like a wedding which is high emotions already and mostly family oriented. You may be ok with it, but sounds like most on the ex''s side are not.

Again, sorry you had to go through this.

Our divorce was a divorce, but it wasn''t overly messy. He''s had a serious g/f for some time now. He actually told the bride awhile back that he really didn''t care if I came.

Fiery: Yes, she was the one. I guess it comes down to this; don''t invite me, #1, and #2 - dont'' make such a big deal about how badly you''ll feel if I''m not there. We talked about it so much, and she wanted me there so badly, that I felt like I was really letting her down by saying no.

Nice backbone... #1) she didn''t tell anyone that you were invited, #2) didn''t tell anyone that she really wanted you there, and #3) she had the nerve to ask you to leave after begging you to come.

I surely hope that this ''friendship'' is over. A person that causes me public humiliation is not a ''Friend'' I want around any more.

She actually made it very clear to the family that I was invited. That was no surprise to anyone. Honestly, I''m just not that surprised. That''s how their family works - they just like to create drama. They honestly can''t have a day that the attention isn''t on them. It''s pretty sad. We''re all from a smaller community where everyone knows everyone, and my family and theirs all run in some overlapping circles. This isn''t the first time we''ve had to be at something where the other is present, and it isn''t going to be the last time, unless they just decide to bow out of life. That''s how small town life works. I have a LOT of friends and family in the community and I''m not going anywhere. They''ve all bounced around from job to job, church to church, and friend to friend because of problems, even moving out of state to ''escape'' some drama. Now I understand why.

 

[partgypsy]

I think that is the worst story about lack of manners I have ever heard.

 

[swimmer]

Yikes, if she had made it clear to the fam that you were invited, how do you even know that she wanted you to leave, or if other family members had her sister go tell you to disappear? Sounds like a drama-barge you should be thrilled to have escaped from. Perhaps the friendship can be saved...if she makes the effort. So sorry it came to this, but man, aren''t you thrilled that you don''t have to spend the holidays with any of them? Hugs, so sorry.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/21/2009 2:25:02 PM
Author: swimmer
Yikes, if she had made it clear to the fam that you were invited, how do you even know that she wanted you to leave, or if other family members had her sister go tell you to disappear? Sounds like a drama-barge you should be thrilled to have escaped from. Perhaps the friendship can be saved...if she makes the effort. So sorry it came to this, but man, aren''t you thrilled that you don''t have to spend the holidays with any of them? Hugs, so sorry.

Lol. Yes!!! No honestly, it justs reminds me every day, how thankful I am to be free of that. My family is made up of a group of truely good people, and I thank my lucky stars every day for them being who they are.

 

[swingirl]

You handled it with class. You came quietly and left quietly. Sorry you had to have dealings with such people. They showed no class and very bad manners. If I were the bride I''d be livid to find out that anyone disinvited one of my guests. I wonder if you''ll get an apology from her.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/21/2009 2:07:53 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 12/21/2009 1:12:28 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/21/2009 1:07:35 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 12/21/2009 12:34:12 PM
Author: janinegirly
EEk that is awful, I''m sorry. You did everything right and are correct it is an awful way to treat someone. However I think it is very meessy when it comes to missing ex''s with family/best friends, and perhaps it''s beter to cut ties all together. Who wants all that drama and reminders anyway?

Was your divorce messy? It might also be too soon to try to mingle as firends or acquaintances, especially for something like a wedding which is high emotions already and mostly family oriented. You may be ok with it, but sounds like most on the ex''s side are not.

Again, sorry you had to go through this.

Our divorce was a divorce, but it wasn''t overly messy. He''s had a serious g/f for some time now. He actually told the bride awhile back that he really didn''t care if I came.

Fiery: Yes, she was the one. I guess it comes down to this; don''t invite me, #1, and #2 - dont'' make such a big deal about how badly you''ll feel if I''m not there. We talked about it so much, and she wanted me there so badly, that I felt like I was really letting her down by saying no.

Nice backbone... #1) she didn''t tell anyone that you were invited, #2) didn''t tell anyone that she really wanted you there, and #3) she had the nerve to ask you to leave after begging you to come.

I surely hope that this ''friendship'' is over. A person that causes me public humiliation is not a ''Friend'' I want around any more.

She actually made it very clear to the family that I was invited. That was no surprise to anyone. Honestly, I''m just not that surprised. That''s how their family works - they just like to create drama. They honestly can''t have a day that the attention isn''t on them. It''s pretty sad. We''re all from a smaller community where everyone knows everyone, and my family and theirs all run in some overlapping circles. This isn''t the first time we''ve had to be at something where the other is present, and it isn''t going to be the last time, unless they just decide to bow out of life. That''s how small town life works. I have a LOT of friends and family in the community and I''m not going anywhere. They''ve all bounced around from job to job, church to church, and friend to friend because of problems, even moving out of state to ''escape'' some drama. Now I understand why.

I''m sorry that they had to make such a big deal about you being there then.

DH is very good friends with one of his GM''s exes, who is admittedly a psychotic witch, but she was invited to the wedding none the less. We let both the GM and his Fiance know that she was invited AND that she had RSVP''d. We wantd to make sure that everyone was aware of the "situation". The GM''s fiance, who I am very good friends with, does not like her, but completely understood the scenario. That is how mature people handle a situation. She politely avoided her the entire evening... what made the evening weird, was the ex going up to GM''s mom and CRYING to her about how much she missed their family.

I just think that the bride handled this horrible. I''m sorry that it resulted in your feeling being hurt, and being embarassed in front of people that are your friends.

However, these are those little moments that remind you how GLAD you are to be done with that family... How is that for a silver lining?

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Jo, honey, I am so sorry that this happened to you. But, honestly, I can''t say I''m surprised . . . we already knew that C and his family have a serious lack of class.

You did the right thing by skipping the ceremony and going to the reception, and trying to be very low-key about it while you were there. IMO, it was very wrong for the bride and/or her family to ask you to leave. They made a scene where there would not have been a scene otherwise. But, you did the classy thing by leaving when they asked you to, even though they were in the wrong in doing so. I would just write this off as more of the usual from C''s family, and I would be conveniently unavailable if/when C''s cousin extends any future invitations. It''s a shame it has to be this way, but evidently they''re not going to grow up and act like adults anytime soon.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/21/2009 3:48:37 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Jo, honey, I am so sorry that this happened to you. But, honestly, I can''t say I''m surprised . . . we already knew that C and his family have a serious lack of class.

You did the right thing by skipping the ceremony and going to the reception, and trying to be very low-key about it while you were there. IMO, it was very wrong for the bride and/or her family to ask you to leave. They made a scene where there would not have been a scene otherwise. But, you did the classy thing by leaving when they asked you to, even though they were in the wrong in doing so. I would just write this off as more of the usual from C''s family, and I would be conveniently unavailable if/when C''s cousin extends any future invitations. It''s a shame it has to be this way, but evidently they''re not going to grow up and act like adults anytime soon.

Your right.....And I can see both sides of it. I just feel very badly about it all. I guess it was my mistake to think that we could all just be civil, or ignore each other in a civil fashion. I have no need for drama, or to be the center of attention, and I just thought, or hoped they could be better than that for one night.

 

[violet3]

Date: 12/21/2009 12:56:38 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Bottom line? Your ex is the cousin of the bride, your ex MIL is the aunt of the bride (and sister to the Mother of the bride), and you are not family. Sorry, but there it is.

I''m sorry the bride did not handle it better beforehand, but on her behalf she probably hoped against hope that no one would fuss. The family did, and she made her choice. I think it''s tacky to attend a reception and not the ceremony myself. A wedding is ABOUT the ceremony, not the after party.

Cheer up, it''s not worth being upset over

PP, i am sure Jo knows this, however, she was trying to be more supportive of her friend by making the day easier on the bride, rather than more difficult for her. Making someone''s special day easier for them by trying to blend in is NOT tacky by any means.

Jo, I am sorry that this happened to you - sounds like you were related to some very selfish and immature people. I am sure your feelings were deeply hurt, but you did the right thing.

Yes, family is family, but in my opinion, some of my greatest friends have also become my family, and I would never treat someone i cared about the way you were treated....legally bound or not.

 

[Blackpaw]

that''s BS. what losers to do that....

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} joflier

 

[MissGotRocks]

Date: 12/21/2009 2:36:20 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 12/21/2009 2:25:02 PM
Author: swimmer
Yikes, if she had made it clear to the fam that you were invited, how do you even know that she wanted you to leave, or if other family members had her sister go tell you to disappear? Sounds like a drama-barge you should be thrilled to have escaped from. Perhaps the friendship can be saved...if she makes the effort. So sorry it came to this, but man, aren''t you thrilled that you don''t have to spend the holidays with any of them? Hugs, so sorry.

Lol. Yes!!! No honestly, it justs reminds me every day, how thankful I am to be free of that. My family is made up of a group of truely good people, and I thank my lucky stars every day for them being who they are.

And that is what I would focus on. It''s too bad that this wasn''t discussed and worked out beforehand between the bride and her family. It was quite a setup IMO to have you attend the reception and then just ''see what happens''. It obviously turned out bad and doesn''t it always seem to work out that way for the one with the purest heart?

No worries - you handled yourself with dignity. The rest are just the rest.

 

[that_someone_special]

Wow. I am so sorry.

 

[chiquitapet]

Oh my goodness, that''s just awful!! So sorry you had to go through that.

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/22/2009 12:03:08 AM
Author: chiquitapet
Oh my goodness, that''s just awful!! So sorry you had to go through that.

Ditto. What a horrible situation. However I feel that you handled with poise and grace. ((hugs))

 

[Porridge]

You handled that well. Boy, are you well shot of them. Still, the while e ent must have left a nasty feeling. Well cheer up - they look ridiculous and everyone can see it.

As for your friend - badly handled. I guess she could rely on you to behave better than her awful in-laws, and decided to avoid family drama. But she shouldn''t have treated you that way. End of.

 

[gemgirl]

I''m so sorry you had to go through that. What an awful thing to do AT the wedding.

I hope you left with your head held high and I hope you took your gift home with you!

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/22/2009 11:27:47 AM
Author: gemgirl
I''m so sorry you had to go through that. What an awful thing to do AT the wedding.

I hope you left with your head held high and I hope you took your gift home with you!

Ha! Funny you say that. I probably should have, because I can totally see their family digging around the gift tables and taking it with them or pitching it!