wearing a large e-ring at work?

[happybear]

I think the key point here is wearing something appropriate in different situations. The OP did say that she has 2 diffferent 'lifestyles' - one with her friends, and another in grad school. If she feels the ring will seem out of place in school, I don't see why she must wear it just to prove how much she loves the ring. Wearing something that she is not comfortable or feel out of place will inadvertently make her more self-conscious and 'defensive', which may make matters worse.

FWIW, I don't wear my ering to work. And it is not even a honker to begin with (well, 1.2ct is substantial within my circle, but it's puny in PS! ) I just feel my office is not the right environment and will invite unnecessary gossip.

 

[Dancing Fire]

FWIW, I don't wear my ering to work. And it is not even a honker to begin with (well, 1.2ct is substantial within my circle, but it's puny in PS! ) I just feel my office is not the right environment and will invite unnecessary gossip.

soooo.. i shouldn't drive my $100K BMW to work?..

 

[Sam121]

I think Blackjade succinctly sums up the situation for me: “I can understand the mix of feelings, being proud to be engaged, happy to have the ring, wanting to please the fiance, wanting to show it off, but not wanting to have lousy repercussions with people you don't know yet and have to be around for a while.”

I love my ring, and have no intention of downgrading it. Symbolically it means a lot to me that SO went about picking this diamond for me.

The crux of the issue here is this: I want to wear it. SO would love for me to wear it. It is not about pleasing a bunch of '22 year olds', but about alienating or impairing professional relationships with them or more importantly, with faculty since there's a lot of collaboration going on.

With that being said, I think Freke is right in that me being well to do will come out sooner or later anyway, however, as Circe mentioned, I am trying to figure out the hierarchy within the system, especially since I am early in the game. And Phoenix, thanks for your insight, it certainly gave me a lot of food for thought.

I discussed this with SO, and we both agreed that I will wear the ring to work, but only after I have established myself and some of my research collaborations have fallen into place (so now I am wondering when the proposal will be? ) . I work my butt off, and want to be known for my work, and I am hoping that when the projects finally come through, it will establish that I am a serious researcher, and given that they would have known me for some time by then, that we would have become closer and my bling is less of an issue. By then even if some folks want to judge me for it, I have the professional credentials to prove that I am capable.

 

[happybear]

Sam121, glad you have a plan worked out

Remember to post lots of pics after the proposal

soooo.. i shouldn't drive my $100K BMW to work?..

I take public transport to work and do not own a car.

 

[Indylady]

And, on this one, I quite agree ... the issue of projected image as affected by social circumstance is fascinating, and not like, oh, complaining that one's diamond shoes are too tight.

No advice--just wanted to say that I agree with the above. I've been following this thread because it I find the topic so interesting.

 

[Circe]

To everybody who's saying "be yourself," I sort of have to ask ... aren't you conflating a piece of jewelry with the self a little heavily? I am my opinions: I am my taste, aesthetic and otherwise. But I really can't be reduced to a single inanimate object, no matter how sentimental it might be.

Look, when I go to work, I don't dress down too far, because it would be disrespectful to my colleagues and my students to schlump around in ripped jeans and a tank top. I also don't put on my Full (Vintage) Monty, as much as I enjoy it, because it would distract people a little too much if I was up there at the podium in my crinoline and Victorian boots. This is another point on that spectrum: is wearing opulent jewelry in keeping with Sam's specific discipline and role in the hierarchy thereof?

The jewelry is not the self, of course. When I say "be yourself" I mean do what you like in this scenerio. If she adores her ring, I don't think she should care about the catty 22 year olds in her program. I would not. But part of "being myself" is not caring about catty 22 year olds. The OP needs to decide what she cares about. If fitting in and caring about what others think matters to her, which is valid, then don't wear the ring (though as I said, I don't think that will solve the issue). If wearing a ring she loves matters more, do that.

She is torn because she is trying to please her husband and please the 22 year olds. In my experience, one never wins by making decisions based on trying to please others, because you cannot please everyone. So my encouragement is to do what SHE likes in this situation. A confidently made decision is attractive to others, in my experience.

But lets be honest: As you said, a ring is only a single inanimate object. I think in the grand scheme, her ring is not such a big deal that it will get in the way of her career like others suggest. Other things will matter MUCH more. If, for example, someone was going to pass her up for a co-authorship supposedly because of her ring, I would argue that person would pass her up for co-authorship *no matter what*. The ring will not be the tipping point. And as Freke said, they will find out she is rich sooner or later anyways. Why hide it?

FWIW I would wear the crinoline and victorian boots to teach my classes. The students would eat it up. But then, I also show clips from Jersey Shore to illustrate various concepts I don't think Full Vintage Monty would be any more distracting that that.

I don't think it's so much caring what others think as it is observing professional culture: less, oh, succumbing to the peer pressure to own the It bag, and more acknowledging that, yes, at your 9-5 corporate job, you need to wear a tie, even if you don't like it. But I do take your second point - hopefully, she'll encounter people with enough good sense to judge her on her merits. It'd be nice if we all did.

And, heh! I use Kanye West YouTube mashups to illustrate my points. When it comes to scholarship, the hallucinogenic sky is the limit. I just don't want them distracted from that by personal minutia. Academic drag: it's like camouflage.

 

[Circe]

I think Blackjade succinctly sums up the situation for me: “I can understand the mix of feelings, being proud to be engaged, happy to have the ring, wanting to please the fiance, wanting to show it off, but not wanting to have lousy repercussions with people you don't know yet and have to be around for a while.”

I love my ring, and have no intention of downgrading it. Symbolically it means a lot to me that SO went about picking this diamond for me.

The crux of the issue here is this: I want to wear it. SO would love for me to wear it. It is not about pleasing a bunch of '22 year olds', but about alienating or impairing professional relationships with them or more importantly, with faculty since there's a lot of collaboration going on.

With that being said, I think Freke is right in that me being well to do will come out sooner or later anyway, however, as Circe mentioned, I am trying to figure out the hierarchy within the system, especially since I am early in the game. And Phoenix, thanks for your insight, it certainly gave me a lot of food for thought.

I discussed this with SO, and we both agreed that I will wear the ring to work, but only after I have established myself and some of my research collaborations have fallen into place (so now I am wondering when the proposal will be? ) . I work my butt off, and want to be known for my work, and I am hoping that when the projects finally come through, it will establish that I am a serious researcher, and given that they would have known me for some time by then, that we would have become closer and my bling is less of an issue. By then even if some folks want to judge me for it, I have the professional credentials to prove that I am capable.

Good solution! You've put a lot of thought into this. FWIW, I think this sort of thing continues throughout in academia, and on a gendered slant .... When my cohort went on the market, we actually had to devote a session of our job seminar to the pressing question of what to wear, which then devolved into a half-hour-long discussion of skirts vs. slacks for the ladies (for the dudes, everybody agreed they should go with a sports jacket and called it a day). Keep it up with that sort of measured reasoning, and you'll do fine.

 

[Black Jade]

Thank you for your compliments before, Circe! I enjoy your posts too. I do like having discussions with interesting people, whether or not we always agree.
I know that this is one thing that the OP will enjoy about being in academia--the interesting discussions. It sounds as if she has found a good solution for her and I am happy about that. I would NOT have liked to hear that she gave up that special e-ring.
I also agree with the trend of the postings that say, don't get too anxious, be yourself and the people that would hate you for your e-ring would have hated you anyway, so don't get too bent out of shape trying to please those who can't be pleased. Let me tell you a story here. When I first went back to work, after years and years at home, the first thing I did was to show up on campus before classes to prepare with my children (then nine, seven and one)--and my babysitter. The babysitter was just a neighborhood girl that I paid a little bit to help me out when my kids were making me too crazy, and so I could do some writing occasionally, and I thought it would be good have her watching the boys outside while I talked to the staff inside--but somehow when the story got around, it was "She came with her au pair'. Strike one. Then I showed up at the first departmental meeting in a stylish white suit. I don't know why the suit being white was wrong--but I still hear occasionally from colleagues about 'the first time I met you--in that white suit." Strike two. Then I had a colleague one day drop something off at my house. My house is not a very expensive house. But I live in a rural area where there are laws about how small a lawn you can have and it's a lot more house for the money than you can get in the city nearby to the college where most of my colleagues live. "She lives in a mansion in a park." I guess you are getting the drift here. However, though there are a couple of people at the college who decided to dislike me whether for those reasons or for others, I've now been doing adjunct there (which is all I would like to do, I have been offered more) for about twenty years, because I am very qualified for the job; I can teach a wide range of subjects well, including subjects that few people know much about; I care about my students and do my best for them and people can see that. Some of the people who still tease me about the white suit, etc, both respect me and like me a lot.

Also, the issues I had have always been with colleagues (some of whom have a lot of people they don't like), not with the students. Twenty-two years olds are not as judgmental as some older people. From the first, they would give me high ratings for class--and add handwritten notes like "I like how she dresses a little more stylishly" "I like how she is friendly" and so forth. They don't seem to think about whether or not I have money. Unlike my colleagues, they probably assume that I am actually being paid money for my job!
So maybe don't worry too much.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

BIG. FREAKING. DITTO.

P.S. Kenny, you suck up. Lol.

What does suck up mean?

Suck up = brown noser, flatterer, butter-up(per?)

Huh?
Where am I doing that?
What is MC talking about? [/quote]

I never posted in this thread.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I don't think it's so much caring what others think as it is observing professional culture: less, oh, succumbing to the peer pressure to own the It bag, and more acknowledging that, yes, at your 9-5 corporate job, you need to wear a tie, even if you don't like it. But I do take your second point - hopefully, she'll encounter people with enough good sense to judge her on her merits. It'd be nice if we all did.

And, heh! I use Kanye West YouTube mashups to illustrate my points. When it comes to scholarship, the hallucinogenic sky is the limit. I just don't want them distracted from that by personal minutia. Academic drag: it's like camouflage.

I see your point. Academic culture is as varied as the people in it and the subjects we study. I have never gotten the impression there was a "right" or "wrong" way to live your life in my field, or much judgement of personal attire etc... although we did snicker at the girl in graduate school with fake breasts who paid her way working as a waitress at a strip club. Shame on us. She did very well in graduate school despite that And I suppose that is my point. Broader issues will determine one's fate than a ring. Or fake breasts.

Sam121 I think that is a very good solution you have come up with.

 

[vintagelover229]

I see your point. Academic culture is as varied as the people in it and the subjects we study. I have never gotten the impression there was a "right" or "wrong" way to live your life in my field, or much judgement of personal attire etc... although we did snicker at the girl in graduate school with fake breasts who paid her way working as a waitress at a strip club. Shame on us. She did very well in graduate school despite that And I suppose that is my point. Broader issues will determine one's fate than a ring. Or fake breasts.

Sam121 I think that is a very good solution you have come up with.

Waitresses at those clubs make BANK. I knew a girl that made more than the dancers did! She would clear between 700-1k per night easy (and some were much more than that). She worked hard though 10-12 hour shits at night on her feet dealing with all the drunken demands that they could come up with and the girls

 

[Sam121]

FWIW, I think this sort of thing continues throughout in academia, and on a gendered slant .... When my cohort went on the market, we actually had to devote a session of our job seminar to the pressing question of what to wear, which then devolved into a half-hour-long discussion of skirts vs. slacks for the ladies (for the dudes, everybody agreed they should go with a sports jacket and called it a day). Keep it up with that sort of measured reasoning, and you'll do fine.

I absolutely agree. There seems to be a general obsession with how women dress in academia as compared to men...a few of us in the department wear make up and heels (coincidentally we are also the 'older ones') and get noticed for that - there's definitely a certain 'counter culture' in academia. Ironically though, I have had others come up to me separately in private asking me how to put on make up and what clothes to wear for professional conferences. There's a struggle between balancing between culture, counter culture and ideals of beauty for women and within professional settings as well...I feel as if there's a complicated Venn diagram going on!

Dreamer_D, it seems that working at the strip club is not entirely uncommon. I know of 4 different graduate departments (different schools) where each had a graduate student working as a stripper or at a strip club to pay school loans and rent. One of them parlayed that experience and published some journal articles on it too!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Dreamer_D, it seems that working at the strip club is not entirely uncommon. I know of 4 different graduate departments (different schools) where each had a graduate student working as a stripper or at a strip club to pay school loans and rent. One of them parlayed that experience and published some journal articles on it too!

Well, there is the sad commentary on our culture if I ever heard one: It makes me sad that one of the only ways young women can earn good money is by trading her looks for cold hard cash.

 

[MsP]

FWIW, I think this sort of thing continues throughout in academia, and on a gendered slant .... When my cohort went on the market, we actually had to devote a session of our job seminar to the pressing question of what to wear, which then devolved into a half-hour-long discussion of skirts vs. slacks for the ladies (for the dudes, everybody agreed they should go with a sports jacket and called it a day). Keep it up with that sort of measured reasoning, and you'll do fine.

I absolutely agree. There seems to be a general obsession with how women dress in academia as compared to men...a few of us in the department wear make up and heels (coincidentally we are also the 'older ones') and get noticed for that - there's definitely a certain 'counter culture' in academia. Ironically though, I have had others come up to me separately in private asking me how to put on make up and what clothes to wear for professional conferences. There's a struggle between balancing between culture, counter culture and ideals of beauty for women and within professional settings as well...I feel as if there's a complicated Venn diagram going on!

Dreamer_D, it seems that working at the strip club is not entirely uncommon. I know of 4 different graduate departments (different schools) where each had a graduate student working as a stripper or at a strip club to pay school loans and rent. One of them parlayed that experience and published some journal articles on it too!

hahaha... I was part of a 1hr+ discussion on the appropriate heel height for tenure-track academic position interviews. And my field is overwhelmingly men who probably won't notice heels at all.

 

[suchende]

Dreamer_D, it seems that working at the strip club is not entirely uncommon. I know of 4 different graduate departments (different schools) where each had a graduate student working as a stripper or at a strip club to pay school loans and rent. One of them parlayed that experience and published some journal articles on it too!

Well, there is the sad commentary on our culture if I ever heard one: It makes me sad that one of the only ways young women can earn good money is by trading her looks for cold hard cash.

Well that seems like a leap, that this is "one of the only ways." More like one of the easiest ways! Seems at least as likely that these students are simply not held back by the stigma of stripping and it's an easy job to hold down while in grad school. It's crossed my mind before, and a friend of mine and I often joke about working at Hooter's part-time over the summer since we opted to earn credits instead of cash at our "day jobs."

 

[Gypsy]

Skimmed some of the responses and I have to say that I agree with the faction that says... leave it at home.

I get DSS when I am on PS, but the honest truth is... my diamond is jut the right size for my life. I have a 1.09 asscher in a halo and it is blingy and the setting is high quality and well designed, so it gives me joy, but isn't in anyone's face. If I had a 3 carat ring, even an EC, I wouldn't wear it to work. I would wear [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/forum/download/file.php?id=266284']https://www.pricescope.com/forum/download/file.php?id=266284[/URL] my Aurora Band by BGD which is a 2.4 carat half eternity instead. Definitely blingy, and more noticable than my engagement ring, but still reasonable for my lifestyle.

I think up to 2 carats in a center stone... fine for your job. But at well over 3 carats. Too much.

 

[Sam121]

Dreamer_D, it seems that working at the strip club is not entirely uncommon. I know of 4 different graduate departments (different schools) where each had a graduate student working as a stripper or at a strip club to pay school loans and rent. One of them parlayed that experience and published some journal articles on it too!

Well, there is the sad commentary on our culture if I ever heard one: It makes me sad that one of the only ways young women can earn good money is by trading her looks for cold hard cash.

pragmatically speaking, I can see where the students are coming from: grad school is exhausting and more time consuming than the average day job that I know of, and there's a certain element of doing your best that increases the stress level (and also probably the amount of time spent on research perfecting and refining your craft). While it is entirely possible to supplement the small stipends with jobs such as being a waitress/barista etc, the pay out in terms of time spent+money earned is far more attractive than being a waitress. I think the bigger question is why is it all right to provide low stipends when it barely covers the cost of living and students have to either take out loans or work part time jobs on top of studying, doing research, and teaching?

 

[HopeDream]

I'm sorry that there is so much academic social baggage associated with such a lovely ring! ( boo!)

In true PS spirit may I offer a suggestion?
Maybe a smaller used/vintage place-holder ring is in order until you're more established - something simple you can celebrate your engagement with, that you're academic peers and potential employers won't get in a flap about? Think of it as part of your school uniform .

Later on you could pass it to a niece or a daughter as a 16th birthday present.

Here are some that shouldn't break the bank:

http://cgi.ebay.com/MARTIN-FLYER-PL...5?pt=Vintage_Fine_Jewelry&hash=item19c1cd06c9

http://cgi.ebay.com/10K-YELLOW-GOLD...6?pt=Vintage_Fine_Jewelry&hash=item3cb31d6354

http://cgi.ebay.com/LADIES-VINTAGE-...1?pt=Vintage_Fine_Jewelry&hash=item5adb148b7b

 

[Gypsy]

Oooh. I like the compromise of wearing the ring-- but only after you've been more established in your position. That's a great idea. For now, I vote a nice placeholder.

http://cgi.ebay.com/Antique-Platinum-European-Diamond-Sapphire-3-Stone-Ring-/360358293857?pt=Vintage_Fine_Jewelry&hash=item53e7073161 This would be a brilliant right hand ring eventually, it's gorgeous. And for now, it could be your place holder. I love this ring. http://cgi.ebay.com/Antique-Sapphire-European-Diamond-Filigr-Ring-18K-White-/270726286092?pt=Vintage_Fine_Jewelry&hash=item3f088b4b0c less expensive alternative that is also lovely.

 

[Laila619]

If I were a guy, I'd be very hurt if my fiancee were to not wear the ring I gave her as a symbol of our engagement.

I also don't think an engagement ring can be too gaudy or too opulent. It's an e-ring! Wear it with pride and love.

 

[Sam121]

thanks for the suggestions, HopeDream and Gypsy!

I am loving the antique diamond pear sapphires Gypsy posted, but SO doesn't like the idea of a placeholder...maybe I should take that as an excuse to get a blingy 5 stone band

 

[Mara]

Please send me your beautiful ring!!! Hehe.

From what you've written, I'd keep the ring and get an eternity band or a 5 stone or something to wear instead. As others have said, you could wear the ring when you are older or more established or who knows where you'll be in 5 years even--you might choose a diff profession or be a stay at home Mom. But I love big bling, so that's why I'd keep the ring, if you are really not into it then I'd try to get something more manageable for your lifestyle.