wearing a large e-ring at work?

[shihtzulover]

I am dealing with the same sort of issue. I live in an area where larger diamonds aren't common at all - my new diamond is 2.2 carats (princess cut), but it's one of the largest (if not the largest) that I have seen on someone's finger around here, at least since I've really started paying attention over the past year or so.

I know that my diamond isn't huge compared to PriceScope standards, but it definitely stands out here. I don't think that many people really care to spend large amounts of money on jewelry here, even if they do have the money. Even the company CEO at my last job had probably a 1.5 carat stone at the most. I have noticed that it seems as though the younger people are trending towards getting larger diamonds, but they still are usually in the 1 carat range or so.

My fiance and I actually originally picked a 1.5 carat diamond at first, but after a few months, we decided to upgrade. I definitely love my larger stone, and I'm happy that we were able to get it before the projected price increases, but now I'm interviewing for jobs. I have not worn it to any interviews, because I am afraid that future employers will get the wrong idea of me - that I would only be interested in a large amount of money, or that I won't work as hard because my fiance has a good job. It feels almost like lying though, because I don't have a wedding ring yet, so I'm going in wearing nothing on my ring finger.

Also, I feel like my diamond will stand out a lot in some of the working environments that I have seen, and that they might be viewed negatively. I really love my ring though, and I absolutely want to wear it every single day.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Sam121...tell them it is a fake diamond.

 

[crown1]

is it possible to see a hand shot to make a better informed reply?

 

[MonkeyPie]

Sam121...tell them it is a fake diamond.

I like this idea. Tell them you don't believe in real diamonds (the whole blood diamond thing could be a good excuse) and so you decided to go big, or go home.

I really don't see the point in having a big, gorgeous ring if you never wear it.

 

[kenny]

This is a tough one.

On one hand I shouldn't be afraid to just be myself, what other people think of me is none of my business, etc etc etc.

On the other hand my job is my income so I would consider compromises in all this self-rights-stuff when it might adversely affect my career.
Companies pay us not only to do the work but also to be a certain way.

 

[HollyS]

Why do we revisit this topic so frequently?

If a diamond is too large for your lifestyle, why do you have it? If it is outrageously larger than anyone in your family, circle of friends, peers, co-workers, etc. - - why did your guy buy it? Darn few young men are going to spend that kind of money, off the cuff, without a nudge in that direction from his gal.

Let's not talk now about how the bling makes you uncomfortable amongst the little people.

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

I don't think I'm the only person here who believes many of these threads are disingenous.

 

[kenny]

Why do we revisit this topic so frequently?

If a diamond is too large for your lifestyle, why do you have it? If it is outrageously larger than anyone in your family, circle of friends, peers, co-workers, etc. - - why did your guy buy it? Darn few young men are going to spend that kind of money, off the cuff, without a nudge in that direction from his gal.

Let's not talk now about how the bling makes you uncomfortable amongst the little people.

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

I don't think I'm the only person here who believes many of these threads are disingenous.

I completely see your point.
I got a big one and I just enjoy it, period.
If others have some problem with that, it's THEIR problem and certainly not mine.

But not everyone is in the same headspace as you and I.

 

[HollyS]

Kenny,

Did you just say we're in the same headspace?? You and me??

Will wonders never cease. . .

 

[kenny]

Maybe on this issue it's just that we are both over 21.
Well over?

There will be exceptions, but I think younger folk worry more about what others think.

 

[HollyS]

Maybe on this issue it's just that we are both over 21.
Well over?

Um, yes. The next birthday is this Sunday. 21 was 31 years ago.

Seems like yesterday. . .

 

[kenny]

Maybe on this issue it's just that we are both over 21.
Well over?

Um, yes. The next birthday is this Sunday. 21 was 31 years ago.
Seems like yesterday. . .

You'll always look 21 to me - in my dreams.

 

[HollyS]

Maybe on this issue it's just that we are both over 21.
Well over?

Um, yes. The next birthday is this Sunday. 21 was 31 years ago.
Seems like yesterday. . .

You'll always look 21 to me - in my dreams.

You are so very full of it today.
But, I'll say thank you anyway.

 

[vintagecushion]

Am I the only one who thinks it's not a big deal not to wear the e-ring at work? Do you think your husband truly minds, or is he taking his cue to some extent from your attitude? I see many academic women not wearing any kind of e-ring and have never thought twice about it. Your wedding ring is the symbol of your marriage, the e-ring is a gift that you should enjoy. If it's not an enjoyable experience to wear it at work, why do it? It's also personal to some degree and you don't have to share what you're not comfortable sharing.

Look, your ring is BIG (it sounds amazing, by the way) so there's no way it won't attract attention. Only you can know for sure whether that will hurt you or whether you'll merely be uncomfortable by the attention it draws, since only you know what your department, field, and school are like. I have to admit that I don't see the point of a downgrade just so that it will fit in everywhere. Like it or not, clothing sends messages and those messages do need to change over time, while jewelry has a longer lifespan and will probably not represent you "accurately" at every stage of your life. Nor does it need to. I agree with DD that it takes a certain amount of clout in order to withstand judgment with sang froid, especially if that judgment is the type to adversely affect your career. I hope eventually you will develop that kind of clout. In the meanwhile, for some, having the kind of confidence that allows you to own what you are/what you're wearing no doubt will contribute to getting there, while for others, the discreet, I represent myself through my work approach will be the way to go. Like everything else, the balance of what you do and how you present yourself is what is important. I do agree with others who have stated that everything you wear will more or less be scrutinized, and we know there are a lot of touchy people everywhere. I do sympathize with you--it's bad enough that I've actually seriously asked myself if I'm ok with that level of scrutiny while considering an academic career.

 

[Missy]

I absolutely think you should proudly wear it or trade it in on a smaller stone that you'd be happier with! Who cares what an immature 22 year old thinks?! An emerald cut is much less flashy than a round that weight, so I don't see the problem. Why have it if you can't wear it but a few times a year???

You are who you are and you should be proud to wear the ring your fiance gave you! I can see how people might snicker if someone lives in a trailer but has a blingy ring. But if this ring fits your lifestyle and income, then be who you are, not what you think others might want you to be. There will always be people who are insecure and jealous of others who have more, but that is really their problem. I do not believe in flaunting wealth at all, but I do think there is no point in having an e-ring you can't wear unless you are working with people in poverty (such as social work) or in a situation where the ring would be in the way (such as a doctor or others who work with their hands). And I don't see the point in wearing it on a chain. That will just cause scratches on the e-ring shank.

Huge ditto. I would not tell you to do something that makes you uncomfortable but I would ask you to examine your feelings more closely. If you love the ring and love the fact that your FI bought you such a gorgeous ring I say wear it happily and enjoy it! I don't believe in letting other's pettiness affect the way I feel and act and live. Maybe when I was younger I fell prey to that sort of influence but now I am older wiser and more confident and realize life is short. Enjoy it to the fullest.

 

[MonkeyPie]

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

BIG. FREAKING. DITTO.

P.S. Kenny, you suck up. Lol.

 

[Sam121]

There's been several posters who made inferences of the ring being too 'big' for our lifestyle, so let me just clarify that we are both well to do, although SO is much older and financially more successful than I am. The social circles that we mix in are relatively affluent, it's just me going back to grad school has resulted in me mixing with some folks who are different, or have different takes on money.

I absolutely adore my ring, and am very thankful and feel loved that my SO took the time and effort to pick it out. As mentioned earlier, there's a side of me that thinks that I shouldn't care what others think (which is also what my SO feels). On the other hand, the potential career repercussions, as mentioned by Miss Pru, Circe and others, is real. This indecision was the very reason why I decided to post in the first place to seek opinions.

Thanks for everyone's responses, you guys have obviously given me lots to think about!

 

[mrs jam]

Hi, Sam. At least it's a fun, sparkly dilemma to have! I don't know if this idea is helpful, but my initial thought was that you could tell anyone who remarks on the size of your diamond that it's a family stone. I don't know of anyone crass enough to think rudely of dear great-grandma's rock! Really, though, I'm on the side that says wear it with pride and love for your fiance.

 

[kenny]

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

BIG. FREAKING. DITTO.

P.S. Kenny, you suck up. Lol.

What does suck up mean?

 

[suchende]

Sam, it's not a question of how well-off you are, if it's making you feel uncomfortable in your daily life and making you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, it may be too big for your lifestyle.

 

[Haven]

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

BIG. FREAKING. DITTO.

P.S. Kenny, you suck up. Lol.

What does suck up mean?

Suck up = brown noser, flatterer, butter-up(per?)

I agree with Suchende--if you feel uncomfortable wearing this ring, perhaps it's too big for your lifestyle. Wouldn't you much rather have a ring you could regularly wear?

Does this ring have its own thread, by the way? I really want to see it!

 

[Sam121]

I agree with Suchende--if you feel uncomfortable wearing this ring, perhaps it's too big for your lifestyle. Wouldn't you much rather have a ring you could regularly wear?

Does this ring have its own thread, by the way? I really want to see it!

ah I see. Well as you guys can probably guess, I have 2 very different lifestyles at the moment - one with my friends, family and SO's network where everyone belongs to the same 'lifestyle' (if I am using it correctly), and then there's my 'school' life, where most of those I come in contact with belong in a different lifestyle (organic/vegan, student type crowd who are also much younger than me). I am comfortable wearing it in the former, it is just the latter that I am unsure about. So it is very interesting for me trying to juggle the two.

The ring doesn't have its own thread, because technically I am not supposed to have the ring yet! SO hasn't officially proposed, so i have to wait it out patiently...good things comes to those who wait he says!

 

[kenny]

If you want a honking big stone, OWN IT. And for pity's sake, wear it.

BIG. FREAKING. DITTO.

P.S. Kenny, you suck up. Lol.

What does suck up mean?

Suck up = brown noser, flatterer, butter-up(per?)

Huh?
Where am I doing that?
What is MC talking about?

 

[MonkeyPie]

Maybe on this issue it's just that we are both over 21.
Well over?

Um, yes. The next birthday is this Sunday. 21 was 31 years ago.
Seems like yesterday. . .

You'll always look 21 to me - in my dreams.

I was just teasing you, kenny, about this comment. Nevermind.

 

[Black Jade]

I can understand the mix of feelings, being proud to be engaged, happy to have the ring, wanting to please the fiance, wanting to show it off, but not wanting to have lousy repercussions with people you don't know yet and have to be around for a while. I don't know exactly what more to tell you than you have heard, except I don't think you should give up the ring that you really want for a smaller one because of other people--but I do understand wanting to scope out the environment to see if it will be okay. I tend to think it probably won't be supercomfortable, but maybe your grad school will be different. It's a shame you're not already married, then you could wear a wedding ring to work and put the e-ring on as soon as you came home and use it in all the other places you go to.
I hope you can convince your fiance that you're not NOT proud of your soon to be ring. Maybe just don't bring the subject anymore with him? If you're like me and keep second guessing yourself and keep talking, that can be irritating for men who tend to just come up with a solution to solve your dilemma so that they don't have to listen to you anymore--and its often you don't like.
I haven't noticed that there have been a lot of threads onthis same subject recently, but then I haven't been on much for a while. If there ARE a lot of these threads, I'm guessing that it's not necessarily people being 'disingenuous'-- a lot of people have a mix of different feelings, not like some, cut and dried. Im thinking that there are some new vibes out there with the bad economy that make some of the more sensitive folks more uncomfortable about their nicer possessions that they would have felt, pre-2008.
f

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think that you don't feel like you fit in with the student crowd, period, and the ring is immaterial. Don't wear the ring, and the issue of feeling out of place will still remain. And snarky, silly, pretentious vegan grad students will still smell your discomfort and try to capitalize on it.

Fitting in is overrated though

 

[kenny]

Fitting in is overrated though

Indeed.

Be you.

 

[Circe]

I can understand the mix of feelings, being proud to be engaged, happy to have the ring, wanting to please the fiance, wanting to show it off, but not wanting to have lousy repercussions with people you don't know yet and have to be around for a while. I don't know exactly what more to tell you than you have heard, except I don't think you should give up the ring that you really want for a smaller one because of other people--but I do understand wanting to scope out the environment to see if it will be okay. I tend to think it probably won't be supercomfortable, but maybe your grad school will be different. It's a shame you're not already married, then you could wear a wedding ring to work and put the e-ring on as soon as you came home and use it in all the other places you go to.
I hope you can convince your fiance that you're not NOT proud of your soon to be ring. Maybe just don't bring the subject anymore with him? If you're like me and keep second guessing yourself and keep talking, that can be irritating for men who tend to just come up with a solution to solve your dilemma so that they don't have to listen to you anymore--and its often you don't like.
I haven't noticed that there have been a lot of threads onthis same subject recently, but then I haven't been on much for a while. If there ARE a lot of these threads, I'm guessing that it's not necessarily people being 'disingenuous'-- a lot of people have a mix of different feelings, not like some, cut and dried. Im thinking that there are some new vibes out there with the bad economy that make some of the more sensitive folks more uncomfortable about their nicer possessions that they would have felt, pre-2008.
f

Black Jade, this is why I enjoy your posts so much. Even though our opinions are sometimes diametrically opposed, I love the sensitivity and nuance with which you approach every issue. And, on this one, I quite agree ... the issue of projected image as affected by social circumstance is fascinating, and not like, oh, complaining that one's diamond shoes are too tight.

To everybody who's saying "be yourself," I sort of have to ask ... aren't you conflating a piece of jewelry with the self a little heavily? I am my opinions: I am my taste, aesthetic and otherwise. But I really can't be reduced to a single inanimate object, no matter how sentimental it might be.

Look, when I go to work, I don't dress down too far, because it would be disrespectful to my colleagues and my students to schlump around in ripped jeans and a tank top. I also don't put on my Full (Vintage) Monty, as much as I enjoy it, because it would distract people a little too much if I was up there at the podium in my crinoline and Victorian boots. This is another point on that spectrum: is wearing opulent jewelry in keeping with Sam's specific discipline and role in the hierarchy thereof?

Another solution ... when I went on job interviews, I just palmed the stone, though that might get challenging as the carats add up, and possibly tiresome day after day. Whatever you decide, don't feel like you have to live incognito at school, whipping off your ugly Clark Kent glasses when you pass over the threshhold: but don't sabotage yourself if you don't have to out of a sense that you have to prioritize your relationship over your career, even symbolically. That way lies ... a really tricky road to negotiate, historically speaking.

 

[FrekeChild]

I say own it too. My husband is a phd student and because of this no one really believes any of my bling is real. Now I don't walk around with 4 carats on my hand, but I do have a bigger white tourmaline (about equivalent to a 2 ct cushion diamond) in a fancy schmancy blingy (Bez Ambar) setting, and everyone assumes it's fake...which its not, it's just not a diamond!

And to be honest, if you're affluent, they will find out eventually.

So I say OWN IT, WORK IT and if they get snooty and uppity, tell them it's inherited! Then it's recycled, old and they can't complain about that!

 

[Dreamer_D]

To everybody who's saying "be yourself," I sort of have to ask ... aren't you conflating a piece of jewelry with the self a little heavily? I am my opinions: I am my taste, aesthetic and otherwise. But I really can't be reduced to a single inanimate object, no matter how sentimental it might be.

Look, when I go to work, I don't dress down too far, because it would be disrespectful to my colleagues and my students to schlump around in ripped jeans and a tank top. I also don't put on my Full (Vintage) Monty, as much as I enjoy it, because it would distract people a little too much if I was up there at the podium in my crinoline and Victorian boots. This is another point on that spectrum: is wearing opulent jewelry in keeping with Sam's specific discipline and role in the hierarchy thereof?

The jewelry is not the self, of course. When I say "be yourself" I mean do what you like in this scenerio. If she adores her ring, I don't think she should care about the catty 22 year olds in her program. I would not. But part of "being myself" is not caring about catty 22 year olds. The OP needs to decide what she cares about. If fitting in and caring about what others think matters to her, which is valid, then don't wear the ring (though as I said, I don't think that will solve the issue). If wearing a ring she loves matters more, do that.

She is torn because she is trying to please her husband and please the 22 year olds. In my experience, one never wins by making decisions based on trying to please others, because you cannot please everyone. So my encouragement is to do what SHE likes in this situation. A confidently made decision is attractive to others, in my experience.

But lets be honest: As you said, a ring is only a single inanimate object. I think in the grand scheme, her ring is not such a big deal that it will get in the way of her career like others suggest. Other things will matter MUCH more. If, for example, someone was going to pass her up for a co-authorship supposedly because of her ring, I would argue that person would pass her up for co-authorship *no matter what*. The ring will not be the tipping point. And as Freke said, they will find out she is rich sooner or later anyways. Why hide it?

FWIW I would wear the crinoline and victorian boots to teach my classes. The students would eat it up. But then, I also show clips from Jersey Shore to illustrate various concepts I don't think Full Vintage Monty would be any more distracting that that.

 

[Phoenix]

Hmmm...I had the same issue and posted a thread about it (and in fact some horrible PS'ers gave me some whacking but most were very nice to me). I still don't agree that PS'ers should whack one another (there's a nice way to put a constructive criticism), but I do see the point of wearing (or rather not wearing) large bling at work. Whilst it didn't hurt my career/ job (I still got my bonuses, managed to build up my client portfolio, made clients and bosses happy etc), it was certainly an issue that was discussed amongst some of my colleagues and even some clients noticed my bling too. I don't want to be remembered/noticed for my bling whilst I'm at work, I'd rather be recognised SOLELY for my ability to do my job.

The irony is that there're plenty of affluent people in Singapore, and plenty of people whom you just know are wealthy. In the street, in social context, I see plenty of HUGE bling. Even at work, there are partners, directors, managers, associates etc who drive BMW's, Merc's (cars in SG are several times more expensive than in the US, Europe) etc; who carry expensive handbags and dress in designer clothes (I know one director who *only* wears designer clothes); who wear expensive watches etc. Yet, there's something abt diamonds and work - the mix just doesn't seem to work (unless you work in investment/private banking of course - where it is actually expected - I could be wrong abt this though, just my observation, happy to be corrected).

Perhaps save the bling for social occassions, when you are not at work? I'd talk it through with your fiance and let him know that whilst you treasure him (and the bling being one of the symbols of his love for you), you want to be able to feel comfortable whilst at work and not have to face criticism/ jealousy (some people will hate - why give them more weapons, ykwim?), whatever.. whilst you're trying to do your job.