wearing a large e-ring at work?

[Sam121]

Hi all,

I have been a lurker for a while, and am coming out of the woodwork to seek some feedback. I am in a bit of a dilemma with regards to my e-ring, and what is the appropriate thing to do. My SO, sweet man that he is, picked out a 3.91 carat EC as my e-ring. While I absolutely love big bling, I am not sure if it would be appropriate to wear it to work. I am 30 this year, and recently quit my job to go back to academia and pursue a PhD. The faculty are well to do, but don't really wear big bling, and the graduate students...well most of them are younger than me and are not engaged or married. There's also the whole 'graduate students are poor' attitude and most of the time there's a lot of griping going on about money.

There's a part of me that says I shouldn't wear it at all because I might stick out like a sore thumb and cause jealousy, and there's another side of me that says I shouldn't worry about it and just wear it and enjoy it. My SO is of the mind that I shouldn't care what others think and just wear it. He also feels hurt that after all the time and effort he spent choosing the diamond and the symbolic meaning the e-ring represents, that I am just going to put it in the safe and not wear it at all, other than the occasional few times a year when we have balls and events to go to. I really really want to wear it of course, but am unsure about it. What do you guys think?

 

[VapidLapid]

you don't have to flaunt it to wear it. It's your e-ring, you should wear it

 

[suchende]

I wouldn't leave it at home out of fear of jealousy, but if it would make you uncomfortable or feel ostentatious, I can understand skipping it. In the same way I wouldn't carry an expensive handbag to a soup kitchen. If it feels out of place or uncomfortable, skip it. It's interesting; at my law school I see quite a few 3-4 carat e-rings, but only on the students and younger faculty and administrators. Maybe a change in academic culture?

 

[rosetta]

I work with critically ill people so I wear my smaller e-ring to work, and leave the bigger one for social situations.

Not saying that you should do the same. But consider not wearing it if it truly makes you uncomfortable and you're not getting pleasure out of wearing it.

 

[suchende]

Also, for what it's worth I am not sure that "not caring what other people think" is the most helpful mentality when it comes to professional life. You send messages with your appearance that can impact how people treat you and how seriously they take you as a professional. It's probably wise to contemplate what signals you're sending to others about who you are and what your goals in life are.

 

[rosetta]

Also, for what it's worth I am not sure that "not caring what other people think" is the most helpful mentality when it comes to professional life. You send messages with your appearance that can impact how people treat you and how seriously they take you as a professional. It's probably wise to contemplate what signals you're sending to others about who you are and what your goals in life are.

+1

We don't live in a bubble after all.

 

[Sam121]

Also, for what it's worth I am not sure that "not caring what other people think" is the most helpful mentality when it comes to professional life. You send messages with your appearance that can impact how people treat you and how seriously they take you as a professional. It's probably wise to contemplate what signals you're sending to others about who you are and what your goals in life are.

+1

We don't live in a bubble after all.

suchende and rosetta, I have tried to reason with my SO using the above reason as well, but he is not entirely convinced...he thinks they should celebrate rather than fixate on the fact that I have a nice e-ring, hence his comment that I shouldn't care what others think if my colleagues judge me because of it.

I think the bigger issue is he is feeling hurt and invalidated that something which has so much meaning to us is relegated to the safe because of what 'others' think. This is a very tricky situation for me.

 

[Circe]

I ... wouldn't. I graduated from an Ivy Ph.D. program 4 years ago. My program was located in a nice city, and plenty of the people in the program were independently wealthy (as opposed to me, who was, uh, not), and the older students who were visibly well off weren't exactly beloved. The sharp irony is that even the rich kids whose parents paid their rent felt okay about scoffing at, say, the lady who lived in a gorgeous loft downtown with her hedge-fund manager husband because she didn't "need" her stipend. There can be a definite attitude of downward mobility as "cool" in academia.

I don't think you should have to hide who you are, but I think it's common sense to avoid making your life more difficult than it needs to be. Heck, my e-ring is considerably smaller at 1.5 carats, and I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that it doesn't belong at work (a few too many distracted students and glare-y faculty meetings). Wear it on a chain around your neck, maybe, to spare your SO's feelings, and stick to your wedding band.

 

[Haven]

EDITED: After reading everyone else's responses, it sounds like it would be wise to leave your ring at home. This has been a very enlightening thread.

 

[Circe]

Also, for what it's worth I am not sure that "not caring what other people think" is the most helpful mentality when it comes to professional life. You send messages with your appearance that can impact how people treat you and how seriously they take you as a professional. It's probably wise to contemplate what signals you're sending to others about who you are and what your goals in life are.

+1

We don't live in a bubble after all.

suchende and rosetta, I have tried to reason with my SO using the above reason as well, but he is not entirely convinced...he thinks they should celebrate rather than fixate on the fact that I have a nice e-ring, hence his comment that I shouldn't care what others think if my colleagues judge me because of it.

I think the bigger issue is he is feeling hurt and invalidated that something which has so much meaning to us is relegated to the safe because of what 'others' think. This is a very tricky situation for me.

Hm, and since I didn't address this in my first response ....

It would be wonderful if that was human nature, to rejoice in the good fortune of our fellow man. Sadly, it isn't, and academia is one of the places in which the infighting is traditionally so vicious because the stakes are so low. You do not want this to impact your relations with your peers ... and you DEFINITELY do not want, say, advisers thinking you don't need a rec for that prestigious fellowship that happens to come with a pittance because one of your competitors could flat-out use the cash.

I sort of think this is one of those areas in which, while we can't expect too much of humanity in general, your SO, as someone who cares for you, needs to put your well-being above his own pride and/or sense of investment ....

 

[MsP]

I'm going to vote leave it at home.

I'm in my third year of a PhD program and I too love my big diamonds but have learned to resist the urge to wear them. Diamond jewelery is different from rings-- I wear my 3.14cttw diamond studs daily(people think they're fake anyways) and my 4.5cttw tennis bracelet sometimes but leave my rings off always. I think taking cues from the female faculty is important. I know that some of mine have quite large sets that I've seen them wear at social outings or celebrations but NOT ONE OF THEM(and I have a large proportion of female faculty in my department) wears more than a wedding band/diamond band at the office or in lecture. The academic environment is one where you need the help of your superiors and the whole "team" (ie fellow PhD's, department staff, researchers, etc) to make it through and I wouldn't risk stepping on toes or giving off the wrong impression by wearing "big bling".

 

[suchende]

Here is why I wouldn't wear big ostentatious jewelry to school. How analogous our programs are, I don't know, but:
A lot of students get a leg up from faculty, since most are former practitioners. One of my professors is still an honorary partner at his firm, another prof got my friend a summer job at a firm by making some calls on his behalf. I wouldn't ever want to give professors the idea that I'm a kept woman who doesn't need help establishing myself in the profession, or that this program is just a hobby of mine. Now, if you're sure they're not getting that idea... hey, ECs face up small, right?

 

[Amys Bling]

Also, for what it's worth I am not sure that "not caring what other people think" is the most helpful mentality when it comes to professional life. You send messages with your appearance that can impact how people treat you and how seriously they take you as a professional. It's probably wise to contemplate what signals you're sending to others about who you are and what your goals in life are.

ditto. I feel uncomfortable wearing my 1.55 RB on an eternity band when I go into poor run down areas to work with families... not for fear so much, but I feel like I am walking into their homes flaunting a luxury and extravegance when they don;t have the means for many necessary items in life. I really try to be conscious of the message I send out regarding my jewelry.

 

[swingirl]

I agree with the other posters. It's important for YOU to feel like you fit in. And taking your cues from the people around you is valid. If you are not comfortable wearing your ring, it doesn't matter what others say or think, YOU are the one put in the position of feeling awkward.

Can't you just throw on the ring when you get home? Putting it in storage seems like an extreme reaction. I don't wear my much smaller bling to a lot of places. It doesn't make any statement about my marriage but I can see your husband feeling hurt if he worked really hard to put you in a very substantial stone. But being married is forever, your school situation is not.

 

[Sam121]

if you're sure they're not getting that idea... hey, ECs face up small, right?

lol yes, when I first saw it I thought it actually looked smaller than my future MIL's 3 carat RB!

to the other posters, I think I would feel comfortable wearing it if it was just faculty (I don't ever feel judged, and some of them drive VERY nice cars such as Porsches etc), but then again I could be wrong.

The problem seems to be with some graduate students. I don't ever flaunt anything ( I don't wear any bling), but I tend to be pretty well dressed due to my working for so many years, compared to the graduate students who are a lot more casual. That in itself has already caused some remarks. I can't please them all, lol!

and to those who suggested I wear it at home, part of the reason why it seems somewhat difficult is I work very long hours and weekends, so most of the time I am at the office till late..by the time I get home there's chores to be done, so it doesn't make sense to be wearing the e-ring when I am doing chores.

I was thinking of wearing the e-ring around my neck in a chain as a compromise to my SO and wearing a band on my finger instead, would that still be ostentatious?

 

[Black Jade]

Wish it wasnt that way but I think your feelings about not wearing the e-ring are right. I work in academia too. It's not just professional jealousy but there is a lot of judgmentalism about certain things, not just about being well-off but about being part of 'the system' whatever that is--they tend to be very counter-culture. Diamonds hardly fit in at all, much less big diamonds. As another poster said, don't put your beautiful ring in the bank, but wear it when you get home. Let your fiance know that you appreciate it very much! But not at work. sorry

 

[jewelerman]

When in the jewelry trade the 2.54 brilliant that i wore on my right hand helped with sales because some people never saw a man wearing a larger diamond and gave me expertise.It drew negative comments however when i went back to college from the young people in some of my classes.They felt the ring and my Rolex watch was either fake or that i was throwing my past successes in they face because they were to poor to afford school tuition let along such expensive jewelry.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I wear my wedding set at school but not when seeing clients. I think you are wise to take a cue from your peers/professors.

 

[rockzilla]

I hate to have to agree with the other posters here, but it seems given the culture of your workplace, it is safer to leave it at home. Like anything else, you don't want it to take attention away from you and your work. Honestly, women have it tough enough in academic fields without being judged by the size of their ring!

I'm wondering, did the two of your discuss the ring at all before the engagement? Or was this a recent career switch? I am just wondering if the size & your workplace is something he considered at all, or if it just didn't cross his mind while selecting your ring.

That being said, if you really feel the need to show off your gorgeous ring, you would not be out of place in an MBA program

 

[Dancing Fire]

Hi all,

I have been a lurker for a while, and am coming out of the woodwork to seek some feedback. I am in a bit of a dilemma with regards to my e-ring, and what is the appropriate thing to do. My SO, sweet man that he is, picked out a 3.91 carat EC as my e-ring. While I absolutely love big bling, I am not sure if it would be appropriate to wear it to work. I am 30 this year, and recently quit my job to go back to academia and pursue a PhD. The faculty are well to do, but don't really wear big bling, and the graduate students...well most of them are younger than me and are not engaged or married. There's also the whole 'graduate students are poor' attitude and most of the time there's a lot of griping going on about money.

There's a part of me that says I shouldn't wear it at all because I might stick out like a sore thumb and cause jealousy, and there's another side of me that says I shouldn't worry about it and just wear it and enjoy it. My SO is of the mind that I shouldn't care what others think and just wear it. He also feels hurt that after all the time and effort he spent choosing the diamond and the symbolic meaning the e-ring represents, that I am just going to put it in the safe and not wear it at all, other than the occasional few times a year when we have balls and events to go to. I really really want to wear it of course, but am unsure about it. What do you guys think?

he's 100% correct.. and if i were your SO i'd get a refund if you don't wear it. i wouldn't give a damm what others think..

 

[sparklyheart]

I think you should wear your ring if you are comfortable doing so. I just finished grad school while working the entire time.. I wasn't necessarily "poor" but I wasn't bringing home loads of cash either. There were people in my class who had been in their careers longer than I, were married, and had more money.. They talked about projects such as new pools, new houses, new cars.. It didn't bother me though because they had been out there working much longer than me..and had a 2nd income! It sounds like you are in the same situation as many of my classmates.. While they didn't wear huge rings, they flashed their awesome new pool and house pics without problems. I think the students in your class who comment on your clothes need to grow up and realize you (and your fiance) have worked hard for what you have and that you wouldn't be going for a PhD if you were looking to be a "kept woman." On the other hand, if you are going to be too worried about what other people may or may not be thinking about your ring then leave it at home.. No need to spend all of your time focused on that. Good luck either way!

 

[sillyberry]

I can't quite tell from your posts, but have you started the program yet?

If not, I wouldn't make any final decision at this point. Perhaps you discover no one cares and you wear it everyday. Maybe you wear it some days and not others, perhaps yes if you're just working in the library and no if you're meeting with your advisor or working closely with your fellow students. Or you realize that you are dealing with a bunch of people who will judge you unfairly for the ring and it sadly stays in your jewelry box except for special occasions.

If you have started, and are feeling uncomfortable already, then you have your answer. Which is unfortunate, but so long as it is about YOUR comfort (and not just keeping others from feeling jealous) then you have to be true to yourself.

In law school, admittedly somewhat different from academia, I saw a lot of gorgeous bling, mostly on students. I don't think anyone thought much of it, unless it was to drool. I, of course, never stared at a ring instead of paying attention to criminal procedure...

 

[Sam121]

Rockzilla,

the work place was probably never a consideration in the first place, my guess is he was thinking he wanted something I would be happy for life, since he doesn't believe in upgrades. We had some brief conversations about shape preferences and minimum sizes (I told him 1.5 to 2 seems nice), but I never would have thought he would spring for a 4 carat EC – this is very unusual since he is pretty frugal and very pragmatic.

DF,

yes, he actually asked if I wanted to downgrade to a 1 carat EC instead!

Sillyberry,

I am already in the program, and there are a few grad students who thinks money is evil which makes me feel uncomfortable wearing the ring in their presence. It is ironic though since this same group of people borrow money from their folks and spend it on eating out and holidays to London and Europe whereas my SO and I are financially independent and frugal.

Right now I am thinking as a compromise, I would wear it on a chain around my neck. Or, talk to a few female faculty members whom I trust and ask for their opinions.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Rockzilla,

the work place was probably never a consideration in the first place, my guess is he was thinking he wanted something I would be happy for life, since he doesn't believe in upgrades. We had some brief conversations about shape preferences and minimum sizes (I told him 1.5 to 2 seems nice), but I never would have thought he would spring for a 4 carat EC – this is very unusual since he is pretty frugal and very pragmatic.

DF,

yes, he actually asked if I wanted to downgrade to a 1 carat EC instead!

Sillyberry,

I am already in the program, and there are a few grad students who thinks money is evil which makes me feel uncomfortable wearing the ring in their presence. It is ironic though since this same group of people borrow money from their folks and spend it on eating out and holidays to London and Europe whereas my SO and I are financially independent and frugal.

Right now I am thinking as a compromise, I would wear it on a chain around my neck. Or, talk to a few female faculty members whom I trust and ask for their opinions.

..then tell them to donate it to my diamond fund.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have a PhD and am a prof now and I would wear a ring like that to work, for sure. I would not wear it on the job market or to conferences, or at my thesis defense, but I would wear it to work on a daily basis. In the same way, I would not wear casual clothing in those venues either, though I do to work on a daily basis. Sometimes you have to "fit in" more than other times. For me, day to day work is not one of those times when fitting in matters a heck of a lot to me.

You have to know yourself and your environment. I am not much of a wall flower, my colleagues know that, and I have enough "clout" at this point in my career that people don't seem to mess with me, and I cannot imagine an issue like a diamond ring being a problem. I cannot look back and know how I would have felt when I started graduate school... probably the same way But I have always been a sh!t disturber at heart.

 

[jsb1976]

This thread is cracking my sh#@ up.

 

[elrohwen]

I think it's reasonable to not wear it if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I used to work in rural manufacturing plants all the time and occasionally wore my ring. So many people would comment that I just started to feel uncomfortable! My current job is almost all men (and very casual) and occasionally I feel awkward about my ring because lots of people notice it and I don't like standing out. I still wear it, but I totally understand why it would make you feel uncomfortable! Your PhD won't be forever, and you can always wear it when you're at home and on the weekends. Btw, my ring is a little under 2cts, so not nearly the size of yours and I still feel it sticks out like a sore thumb sometimes.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I absolutely think you should proudly wear it or trade it in on a smaller stone that you'd be happier with! Who cares what an immature 22 year old thinks?! An emerald cut is much less flashy than a round that weight, so I don't see the problem. Why have it if you can't wear it but a few times a year???

You are who you are and you should be proud to wear the ring your fiance gave you! I can see how people might snicker if someone lives in a trailer but has a blingy ring. But if this ring fits your lifestyle and income, then be who you are, not what you think others might want you to be. There will always be people who are insecure and jealous of others who have more, but that is really their problem. I do not believe in flaunting wealth at all, but I do think there is no point in having an e-ring you can't wear unless you are working with people in poverty (such as social work) or in a situation where the ring would be in the way (such as a doctor or others who work with their hands). And I don't see the point in wearing it on a chain. That will just cause scratches on the e-ring shank.

 

[janinegirly]

I agree w/DD on this - it's about dressing apporpriately for the environment, and you basically have answered your own question by describing the peers,etc. I know that this is jewlery with significance and meaning but that is a large nugget which will get a reaction and ultimately if this is about giving you something you love rather than impressing others, then it should not matter that you choose not to wear it where you don't feel comfortable.

 

[MsP]

I absolutely think you should proudly wear it or trade it in on a smaller stone that you'd be happier with! Who cares what an immature 22 year old thinks?!

True-- yet if said 22 year old opts not to ask OP to co-author a paper or join a conference submission because of (likely false) assumptions due to the ring...then it does matter. You would hope that people don't make these judgements yet they do occur...and even subconsciously. Sure there are things that you can't easily change (ie if you just have a personality clash or a different work style) but with something like this... better safe than sorry?

Maybe I'm just overly cautious. When I come back from a birthday weekend with my BF I would say we simply went out for a delicious dinner-- and not that I was picked up at my place by a driver, welcomed by champagne, and that it was at a $400 a plate restaurant.