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[decodelighted]

Date: 7/24/2007 1:11:04 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I would feel a responsibility as a friend to be there to help support him while he goes through this. This is NOT condoning his actions, I'm simply giving insight into what I would do if I were in her situation. That's why I said if she could look at the situation objectively and reccommended that they get counseling individually and maybe even together. She would then have a safe and secure environment to express her feelings to him and discuss the situation. Expressing the emotion of betrayal and everything else Becky is feeling could be the closure that she needs and make him see just what his actions brought about.

I respect your position & know that you're just saying what YOU would do ... but I simply disagree.

They're NOT married. And I don't believe ANY therapist would advise her that it would be in HER best interest to "stick around" and help support him through HIS "tough time". Sure, it may help HIM ... but, as a single woman faced with an enormous task of moving across country, forming a new life for herself, HEALING and moving on to find a new potential partner & start the family she so very much wants ... scr*w "friendship" ... that CANNOT & SHOULD NOT even show up as a blip on her radar screen. It's time for Becky to be SELFISH. To stand up for herself. To put herself FIRST for the first time in a very, very, very, very, very long time.

I agree with the poster who said to "help" him now would be subjecting herself to further abuse.

For "closure" -- sure, she should get all the details she wants to hear. Have a discussion, whatever. Then get the HECK OUT OF TOWN A.S.A.P. It's a very dangerous situation for her to be isolated in a town with only the proven liar for emotional support. She needs to be SURROUNDED with the people who actually, legitimately HAVE HER BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. And, for all intents and purposes, that seems to be on the other side of the COUNTRY from *his* drama & messed up self.


ETA: like this dude really gives a rat's *** about "betrayal". As IF her frank, therapy-enshrouded antedotes about "feeling betrayed" is gonna make this guy feel any differently about what he's done or behave any differently in the future. I'm sorry -- but IMO, people who do this don't have a conscience. HOW COULD HE have a conscience and do what he did IN THE FIRST PLACE! Waste of time & energy. For EVERYONE involved. Even the "therapist".

 

[luckystar112]

Well, I still stick to my opinion that he cared about her.
Sure, it was an awful thing that he did to her...despicable...but there are other ways to come off as "straight" to people that don''t involve leading someone on for years. Especially when the people you are most afraid of finding out live in another state. Just doesn''t make sense to me. He could have had multiple relationships in the time he was dating her, and pulled off the same charade. So why her? I think it''s kind of awful to imply that Becky was just so "aloof" and "naive" that he took advantage of her. She sure seems like a smart girl to me! It could have happened to ANY of us. And I would be willing to put money on the fact that he subconsciously WANTED to be caught.

Am I making excuses for him? I''m trying not to. He''s a monster, he''s manipulative, and he put Becky in danger...but I don''t think he stayed with her all this time because it was "easy".

 

[janinegirly]

i don''t know, to me the way he had arranged everything made it easiest on him. who wants the hassle of dealing with multiple relationships/questions asked if he could just have one girlfriend in the same town who is very trusting and patient? every time she asked questions on the future, he mentioned kids names, houses..things that she''d love to hear and would make her forget he hadn''t actually taken any concrete steps towards those things, after 6 years!

i don''t know if everyone is familiar with Jim McGreevey (ex-govenor of NJ) who stepped down after having to admit he was a "gay american" and having had multiple affairs with men. He only admitted it once he was being blackmailed by one of the men.
he had a very nice, but clueless wife and a child. he fooled an entire state and country too. he was almost emboldened by the challenge of pulling it off. now he''s written books admitting he is completely gay, and just separated the two lives in order to allow both to thrive. she has also written a book and been on oprah. it was also clear to me then that he''d selected her for her pleasantness and general tendancy to be in denial and believe things at face value.

i''m not saying the 2 situations are identical, but there are some parallels. and it shows a real life unfolding of events not dissimilar with this one, unfortunately.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

One again I''m being misunderstood. In NO way am I saying "stick around and see how it pans out". Their relationship is over. Kaput. But if she needs answers she should get them, and if she chooses to help him though this then that''s her choice.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/24/2007 2:21:08 PM
Author: luckystar112
I don''t think he stayed with her all this time because it was ''easy''.

Apart from the issue of whether his love/feelings were genuine (which I''d prefer not to speculate about).

It *was* easier though. Wasn''t it? Easier than dating in a new town .. getting fixed up by people who might get a "funny" feeling about you & spread it around? Easier than being with a girl who *insists* on living together despite the "family religious reasons" line (which now so clearly is b.s.). Easier than a gal who DOES balk at frequent biz trips ... sep. vacations ... moving across country with no committment.

Becky: there''s a lesson in this and the lesson is that you want much, much MORE. But being a martyr & a "good girl" isn''t going to get you what you want. You must REQUIRE more of someone in order to give them your time & the gift of your love & friendship.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/24/2007 2:36:15 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
One again I'm being misunderstood. In NO way am I saying 'stick around and see how it pans out'. Their relationship is over. Kaput. But if she needs answers she should get them, and if she chooses to help him though this then that's her choice.

Hudson Hawk ... I really don't think I'm misunderstanding you. NOBODY is saying "stay together"!!!!???? That's NUTZ!

I *think* that you're saying that you believe talking this through in therapy WITH him & keeping in touch with him & offering continuous support over, perhaps, the next weeks & months will help them both get closure & help him become a better person ... and I'm saying: I don't think that will help EITHER OF THEM.

I *think* that you're saying that YOU'D feel it's "your responsiblility" to "help him" emotionally after the fact ... and I'm saying: I would hope, ANYONE in that situation would put THEIR OWN mental & emotional needs ahead of the ABUSER/LIAR/MANIPULATOR's needs. And, IMO, that means IGNORING *his* needs and using all your limited energies towards helping *yourself*.

I'm happy to agree to disagree!

 

[WTNLVR]

First off, I commend your fortitude in the face of this and wish you nothing but happiness in Chicago. You will find another relationship soon, given your open personality that shines thru in your posts.

I think having one last talk to get any questions you have answered makes sense. Otherwise you will always wonder what the answers were. Don''t believe all the answers he gives you though, as I doubt they will all be true. Just don''t let him suck you back in. He sounds like a sociopathic personality and that is their specialty. Get your answers and go back to Chicago- leave no contact info with him. He made this mess, he needs to face the consequences. I think this was a well thought out plan of deception on his part, but he is the only one who knows for sure and if it was, I''m sure he won''t admit to it.

 

[Aloros]

I''d have to agree with deco. In my experience, it''s best to have that talk you''re planning for some closure and then just get away. I think it''s normal to want to stay and help. I wanted to. But you''re bound to have residual feelings for a man who simply can''t meet your needs. Being around him at this time, trying to be a friend for him, just makes those feelings linger and hinders the healing process.

I wasn''t lied to, or abused, but my ex omitted certain truths that it was my right to know. It was very freeing to stop worrying about him and to start worrying about me.

You are a sweet, compassionate woman, Becky. I think anyone can see that from your posts. You may still have a desire to put his needs above your own, as you''ve clearly done for the past six years. Well, time to be selfish. He got himself into this mess, and he''s dragged you down with him. No one could ever blame you for withholding that helping hand. I think it might be just too hard to be friends with him right now, especially when girlfriend-you is so angry (and righteously so) with him. He''s had every chance to do the right thing, and he hasn''t.

I hope your talk tonight goes well.

 

[E B]

Becky,

I''m so, so sorry this has happened to you. You''re obviously a very geniune, caring human being and I hate to see sh*tty things like this happen to good people.

That being said, I agree with Deco. You need to start working on healing yourself. You''ve put this man first for way too long, and this betrayal has cost too much. Because he was ''confused'', he put your health and safety at risk, which is absolutely unforgivable.

I''d try to gain as much closure as possible and leave as soon as possible. Don''t turn back.

 

[Sha]

I agree with everyone that what your boyfriend's actions were despicable. Yes, he may have been confused from the outset..but was he confused for 10 years? Obviously, having sex with men is something that he knew he liked..or he wouldn't have kept on doing it for so long. At some point - if he had your best interests at heart - he could have said, "Becky, I'm sorry..but I really can't give you what you need right now. I'm too confused...I need to take some time apart and work on me and who I am...etc. etc, What I'm doing is not fair to you...etc. etc." THAT would have been the hard thing but also the LOVING thing to do in his situation". Instead, he chose to keep both lives going. Keep you strung along with promises of marriage on one end, while enjoying a whole other life on the other end. Sounds to me like he took the easy way out and got all of his needs satisfied too. The need to 'look good' in front of friends and family, indulge his heterosexual side, while also satisifying his other private passions. NOt fair to you!!! He had his cake and ate it too and you should be justifiably upset at him!! Especially since your health could be in danger!

I understand that you have questions and need closure which I agree you should get but I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't let compassion for him blind you to what he did. He could have been a man and done the hard thing and broken it off.. but he didn't. YOU are the victim here... not him. I really think that you should pursue therapy on your own and let him go on his own. If you go together you might continue feeling sorry for him and get caught up in the relationship dynamic again. I know that he has been your friend for ever...but for now I think you need to start separating yourself from the situation until you feel stronger and have healed from this.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 7/24/2007 7:57:31 AM
Author: Becky P

Date: 7/23/2007 1:18:58 PM
Author:

He told me that he will tell me everything this afternoon/evening.

HI:

It pains me to say this, but I think this is an extraordinary expectation given his past history and the present circumstances/outcome. Tell you "everything". What? Now? What possible inducement could he have to "truth", now you know his secret? Moreover, his version of the truth will be what it always has; carefully weighed words and prescribed well thought out responses, telling you just "enough". And given he has deceived you by every possible method, what, if anything he says, is "believable"?

He can have no hold on you Becky, only what you allow. Please gather your self respect, and leave him to his own auspices. The "why" is for his own conscience, what little of that there is.

kind regards, Sharon

 

[luckystar112]

Becky,

After going through all of your posts and reading up on your history with your bf, I just have to say....
I hate him.

And I no longer feel bad for him at all. He really put you through hell, and he seems so manipulative.

And Becky.....I DON''T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT....
but be safe tonight, ok? You hold his biggest secret...a secret that could ruin him. Please take care of yourself.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Becky, I haven''t read the entire thread, but I wanted to say I am so sorry for what has happened. I think that most of us who have followed your story weren''t too keen on this guy, but I don''t think anyone could have predicted this behavior. I hope you are staying strong through this difficult time, and I think moving back to Chicago would be a good idea. It will be helpful to have your family and friends around right now. Good luck sweetie and please let us know how you''re doing.

 

[Butterflies]

Becky:

I haven''t been here in ages but I remember you situation very well and I felt the need to respond: IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HELP HIM. NONE WHATSOEVER. Let me ask you, if he would have been cheating on you all these years with women instead of men, how would have you reacted? Do you think you would have been as understanding and sympathetic? Why do you think there is a difference? The point is the same: he CHEATED on you. He LIED to you. How much longer are you going to allow to be taken advantage of? It is only UP TO YOU to have some self respect, pick up the pieces and move on, and I know you can do it.

(((((HUGS))))))

 

[bee*]

Date: 7/24/2007 3:58:54 PM
Author: Sha


I understand that you have questions and need closure which I agree you should get but I agree with everyone else that you shouldn''t let compassion for him blind you to what he did. He could have been a man and done the hard thing and broken it off.. but he didn''t. YOU are the victim here... not him. I really think that you should pursue therapy on your own and let him go on his own. If you go together you might continue feeling sorry for him and get caught up in the relationship dynamic again. I know that he has been your friend for ever...but for now I think you need to start separating yourself from the situation until you feel stronger and have healed from this.

Totally agree with this! Get your info that you need tonight and then head home to your family and be around people that you love. If in time, when you get over the betrayal you feel like getting in contact with him, then do, but I feel that staying in contact with him now will not be beneficial to you at all. Look after yourself, do therapy by yourself. Know that you will find someone to spend your life with who will worship you like you deserve.

 

[ljmorgan]

Becky, I am so sorry for what has happened. I have followed your story from the beginning, and even during the tough times I was rooting for you. I had hoped that this thread was your engagement, but as cruel as the ending turns out, you have your CERTAIN answer, not the agonizing uncertainty that you had before.

I think that you are an amazing woman to be helping him out right now, but don''t let anyone here or anyone else tell you that you owe it to him, or that helping him is your responsibility at all. With the pain that he might be going through, you should be your number one priority!

I hope that any of us can help you out in any, if small, way. We are your fans!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Becky, after reading the entire thread I have to say I agree with Deco, Janine, and the others who have said there is no reason you should try to "help him" through his "difficult time." This person is not your friend...friends don''t lie, deceive, mislead, and put others in danger. I do hope you get checked out very soon and receive a clean bill of health. The speculation of why you were his gf for so long makes sense, but it doesn''t matter. All that matters now is that you''re healthy and you get to a place with your loved ones and move on.

Please go back to Chicago. You need to take care of yourself right now. This person doesn''t deserve your help. If you''re helping him, you''re not helping yourself. Also, get yourself the book It''s Called a Breakup Because It''s Broken. It was written by the author who wrote He''s Just Not That Into You and his wife, so it''s funny while being very truthful. I just read it the other day simply because my friend told me it helped her and it was a good read. Among other insights, it talks about how any time you spend trying to talk to your ex to find out what went wrong, if he misses you, what he was thinking, etc is time wasted where you could be moving on. It will help you immensely, if for no other reason than the ''psycho confessionals'' will help you realize how strong you really are. It even has a brownie recipe that looks very yummy. Read the book, and read it again. Good luck sweetie and please let us know how you''re doing!

 

[tallblondemonster]

Becky - I''m so sorry to hear all that has happened. Just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of people wishing you all the best and sending good vibes your way. Stay strong and take good care of yourself.

 

[KimberlyH]

How are you doing today Becky?

~K

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/24/2007 5:30:14 PM
Author: luckystar112
Becky,

After going through all of your posts and reading up on your history with your bf, I just have to say....
I hate him.

And I no longer feel bad for him at all. He really put you through hell, and he seems so manipulative.

And Becky.....I DON''T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT....
but be safe tonight, ok? You hold his biggest secret...a secret that could ruin him. Please take care of yourself.

Luckystar, this made me chuckle a bit. You seem a person who wants to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when I read your other posts throughout this thread, I knew you were not aware of the history of this relationship.

For those of you who don''t know how this man has manipulated Becky over and over again, it''s worth reading the history before you decide "oh, poor confused boyfriend."

IMHO, this man is not bisexual. He is GAY. He''s just so afraid of admitting it fully to himself, maybe due to family, religious stigma or whatever that he held on to a woman who he had no intention of wholly committing himself to. I''m not talking a marriage proposal. I''m talking loving one person and being faithful for the rest of his life. He told her he couldn''t move in with her due to religious issues when it was most likely because it would be so much harder to keep his other life secret that way.

Don''t stay and get answers. Don''t stay and support him. Trust me, I have seen a friend say she couldn''t leave her boyfriend in his time of "need" because she still cared about him and were friends. He sucked what he wanted out of her and left her emotionally spent. Sure, he needed help, but it was not in her best interest to be the one to do it. You are TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED Becky. You may be feeling like you can help him now, but like all grieving, this is just the first stage. As you think and reflect on it more, you will (as Deco said) enter the stage of (rightful) rage and that is no place from which to help someone.

You CANNOT help him Becky. I am sorry if I am being harsh, but many of us have kept up on your story and have seen the writing on the wall. I know that we Internet folk can''t possibly understand the entire situation, but in this case I think we have enough info to make a sound judgment. Please listen this time to what folks are saying. Run away and take time to heal yourself, who is #1, first!!!

 

[Kit]

Becky, I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. I hope that in time you can recover from this enormous blow. I wish you speedy healing.

FWIW, in my view this guy is living on the DL. It is a huge problem, particuarly in the Black community. It may seem as if he''s gay, but guys living on the DL would never say that they are gay...it is a terrible thing, really. Here''s a link to the Oprah show about it, guest was JL King who wrote a book about his own struggles living on the DL. http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200404/tows_past_20040416.jhtml

 

[Becky P]

I just made an appointment for Friday morning to get tested. It''s $450!!! for a full panel of tests. I charged it to his credit card.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/25/2007 11:19:39 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/24/2007 5:30:14 PM
Author: luckystar112
Becky,

After going through all of your posts and reading up on your history with your bf, I just have to say....
I hate him.

And I no longer feel bad for him at all. He really put you through hell, and he seems so manipulative.

And Becky.....I DON''T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT....
but be safe tonight, ok? You hold his biggest secret...a secret that could ruin him. Please take care of yourself.

Luckystar, this made me chuckle a bit. You seem a person who wants to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when I read your other posts throughout this thread, I knew you were not aware of the history of this relationship.

For those of you who don''t know how this man has manipulated Becky over and over again, it''s worth reading the history before you decide ''oh, poor confused boyfriend.''

Yeah...I made a boo-boo. I think I actually did read those threads, but it was when I was really new so I didn''t put two and two together until yesterday. But it''s really scary to look back, knowing what you know now, to try to see if it''s obvious. Even little things, like not wanting her on the same family plan as him, seem to speak volumes now. So sad.

BECKY! I HOPE THAT YOU ARE DOING OKAY, please update us when you get a chance.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/25/2007 11:45:56 AM
Author: Becky P
I just made an appointment for Friday morning to get tested. It's $450!!! for a full panel of tests. I charged it to his credit card.

LOL!!! Good for you!!! He SHOULD pay for it.

How did your talk go? Are you still taking your (hopefully permanent) trip to Chicago?

 

[Aloros]

Date: 7/25/2007 11:45:56 AM
Author: Becky P
I just made an appointment for Friday morning to get tested. It''s $450!!! for a full panel of tests. I charged it to his credit card.

You go, girl! That boy owes you more than any amount of money could ever make up for. Take care.

 

[janinegirly]

while it''s funny and some deserved revenge to charge the $ to his cr card, what else came from the lengthy discussion? I hope you got some answers, and covered it with some depth and now are on the path to cutting off all contact and realizing this has been an incredible, and unforgiveable deception. He''s lucky you don''t sue him for fraud!

 

[Stephanie]

Becky - Just wondering how you are and the next steps you are taking (besides the testing)?

 

[Harleigh]

Just wanted to let you know we''re all thinking about you...hope today is going okay for you. It will get easier, just take it one day at a time. HUGS!!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 7/25/2007 11:45:56 AM
Author: Becky P
I just made an appointment for Friday morning to get tested. It''s $450!!! for a full panel of tests. I charged it to his credit card.

GOOD FOR YOU. Paying for these exams is the least he owes you. I hope you''re doing well and you''re working on arrangements to move far far away. Actually, if it were me I wouldn''t want to even talk to him anymore. Please let us know how you''re doing sweetie.

 

[galeteia]

Wow.

I''ve been lurking now and then, but decided to have a good read-through today, and wow. Holy flaming gerbils, Becky. We knew there was something up with that guy, and LK had it pegged for ''would have a white/American woman as a concubine, but never a wife'' and I was thinking along those lines too ... but this is a whole new level of ''WTH?!''

You''re right, his culture would never tolerate him being sexual with men.

Sadly, there are plenty of bisexuals who consider themselves entitled to cheat. They use the justification that because they have twice the ''relationship sockets'' that they can have twice the relationships and it''s not cheating. Since they want boyfriends and girlfriends both, they state that they cannot be fully satisfied with one or the other since they can''t have everything they want in one person. While it''s true that they would have to choose either a boyfriend or a girlfriend and ''miss out'' on the other, I personally feel it''s no different than being attracted to blue-eyed white blonde milk-skinned types and dark-eyed dark-haired swarthy types; you might be attracted to both, but you choose a person to be your partner, not their gender or height or eye colour.

So his struggles with being attracted to men does not absolve him from the fact that he cheated on the person he committed himself to. Not to mention that he strung you along for years, regardless of who he was cheating with.