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Home Want to dissect this one? Second baby shower

TravelingGal

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
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Interested in your thoughts. I''ll refrain from posting mine in the meantime.

Scenario: Friend is pregnant with second baby. She loves hanging out with friends and wants a second baby shower. She has assumed that certain friends will throw a second shower for her. Children will be 2 years, 9 months apart.

She has decided on the venue (without input from any of the people who she believe will host the shower). Either a fancy local golf club here or a very nice restaurant in Beverly Hills (which is a fair distance away from many of the guests). In said nice restaurant in Beverly Hills, she has said she wants a very specific event room at the restaurant, even though it may be too big for the party (20 guests). Should the room not be available, she is OK with doing it at the local club at the golf course.

Both venues are very costly. But she has offered to PAY for the meals at either venue as she understands that it''s expensive and has no qualms about doing so. She did the same thing with her first shower...insisted on a location, but paid for all the meals.

So, cool? Weird? No big deal? Momzilla?
 
a bit of a momzilla but the fact that she is paying makes it less horrendous. Now if she expected you to pay (or the hosts), then I''d say.....thanks, but NO thanks!

she likely is a bit of a control freak and likes the attention so this is her style. Personally I think 2nd baby showers should either be very low key, with just family or not happen at all, but i guess different strokes for different folks. I''d def give a modest gift the 2nd time around, but gifts at showers tend to be modest anyway (unless family). At least at showers i''ve been to!

ok, waiting to hear tgal''s take (you always make us wait
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)
 
I''m not a mommy, nor are any of my close friends yet...but I LOVE SHOWERS and for people close to me in my family, we have always thrown showers for them for each baby. I know that many people hate it and see it as a gift-grab, but I love to get together with everyone, see the soon-to-be-mom, and just celebrate each new baby''s life. I think it''s fun to have special things for both of your kids (we tend to do a lot of monogramming and personalized toys/items in my family), and I think second and third kids sometimes miss out on having those individual gifts intended for them.

I never get up in arms about going to *too many* parties...but I know people in general do. I would never expect anyone to throw me a shower at all, so the only thing that''s odd about your friend''s situation is that she''s expecting other people to throw it for her...but she''s going to pay. I don''t know, if it were me and I wanted to see everyone before my new LO was born, I''d just host a ladies'' lunch and not call it a shower, to make sure no one felt that they had to bring a gift. (Though, does your friend expect gifts?? I bet some if not most of the people coming to a "ladies'' lunch" like that *would* bring gifts...she just didn''t have to open them there, yanno?)
 
Date: 4/22/2010 2:21:10 PM
Author: alli_esq
I''m not a mommy, nor are any of my close friends yet...but I LOVE SHOWERS and for people close to me in my family, we have always thrown showers for them for each baby. I know that many people hate it and see it as a gift-grab, but I love to get together with everyone, see the soon-to-be-mom, and just celebrate each new baby''s life. I think it''s fun to have special things for both of your kids (we tend to do a lot of monogramming and personalized toys/items in my family), and I think second and third kids sometimes miss out on having those individual gifts intended for them.

I never get up in arms about going to *too many* parties...but I know people in general do. I would never expect anyone to throw me a shower at all, so the only thing that''s odd about your friend''s situation is that she''s expecting other people to throw it for her...but she''s going to pay. I don''t know, if it were me and I wanted to see everyone before my new LO was born, I''d just host a ladies'' lunch and not call it a shower, to make sure no one felt that they had to bring a gift. (Though, does your friend expect gifts?? I bet some if not most of the people coming to a ''ladies'' lunch'' like that *would* bring gifts...she just didn''t have to open them there, yanno?)
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She''s registering, yes.
 
is she footing the bill for the venue too?
 
Um, what''s the harm? The usual objections to *demanding* an expensive venue for your shower are mitigated a lot by paying for it. There is inconvenience to the hosts for throwing a second shower, and their seeming lack on input into venue decisions but those aren''t huge impositions among friends. Or maybe they are significant impositions if they were not asked about ''hosting'' but it was demanded or they are fed up with this woman and her demanding ways.

Some guests might not feel good about having to give two shower gifts to the same woman within three years, but in my book that is evened out by being fed two nice meals at fancy places for the showers. Plus if she were a close friend maybe I would have gotten a second baby gift anyway, maybe a smaller one. And people that don''t want to attend the second shower can always decline.

I say... pushy and controlling a bit, but no real strong objection, if handled reasonably politely among friends. If not handled reasonably and politely, well...
 
Basically she''ll foot the bill (or contribute, I''m not sure what''s going on yet) for pretty much most of whatever is charged. I would imagine the people throwing her the shower would deal with cake, decor, games, party favors and any extras the venue doesn''t provide.
 
I''m one that doesn''t find second baby showers to be tacky, even if the children are just a year or so apart. In my family/culture/neighborhood, it''s common to have a shower for each child.

That said, I do think it''s weird/off to host your own shower and expect gifts.
 
Date: 4/22/2010 2:24:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/22/2010 2:21:10 PM
Author: alli_esq
I''m not a mommy, nor are any of my close friends yet...but I LOVE SHOWERS and for people close to me in my family, we have always thrown showers for them for each baby. I know that many people hate it and see it as a gift-grab, but I love to get together with everyone, see the soon-to-be-mom, and just celebrate each new baby''s life. I think it''s fun to have special things for both of your kids (we tend to do a lot of monogramming and personalized toys/items in my family), and I think second and third kids sometimes miss out on having those individual gifts intended for them.

I never get up in arms about going to *too many* parties...but I know people in general do. I would never expect anyone to throw me a shower at all, so the only thing that''s odd about your friend''s situation is that she''s expecting other people to throw it for her...but she''s going to pay. I don''t know, if it were me and I wanted to see everyone before my new LO was born, I''d just host a ladies'' lunch and not call it a shower, to make sure no one felt that they had to bring a gift. (Though, does your friend expect gifts?? I bet some if not most of the people coming to a ''ladies'' lunch'' like that *would* bring gifts...she just didn''t have to open them there, yanno?)
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She''s registering, yes.
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Well...registering doesn''t necessarily mean that she expects gifts--I see it as more like "if you do choose to give gifts, this is what we need..."

But you know your friend, and if you say that she expects gifts, I''m sure she does. That''s the part that''s a little odd to me.
 
I agree that 2nd showers are not way up there on the offensive scale, just kind of annoying when it''s a big hoopla but of course one does have to take into account the person''s cultural background as well as her general personality. IF she tends to be a high maintenance friend, then obviously a 2nd shower won''t go down as well as if she wasn''t.

I just get the sense that this friend maybe likes things her way which is why there is so much, um direction being given. Not so much about the $ (since she''s paying for it), but liking to be center of attneion on her terms. Just a wild guess.
 
I don''t like second showers. The only time I think it is appropriate is when there is a huge age gap. I think it is less tacky she is paying for it (more like throwing a party/dinner) but I don''t understand registering for a second baby. I would have a private/secret one for the coupon but that''s just me. I don''t want people who already went to my first shower to feel obligated to give me gifts.
 
personally i love get togethers and parties in general, and my mom is the same way, ANY opportunity to get together. if i had a 2nd baby in a year or two she'd prob throw me another shower whether i wanted one or not.

is the baby a diff sex, if so i could see needing additional things for a girl vs a boy or whatever, but mostly clothes. also 3 years age diff, some of the stuff she had originally might need to be replaced (aka bibs, diaper rags for burping, sheets, etc) or is outdated anyway.

and ditto whoever else said that they love going to showers and giving gifts, i am the same way.

if i had another kid in a few years i prob wouldn't want another shower just because we got SO much stuff from the four showers i had (one for friends, one for family, two at work--none of which i asked for!) that it was too overwhelming. oh and FWIW when gals at work have a 2nd baby we usually all pitch in to get a double stroller if she registered for one, OR a large gift card (aka $400 or something) to BRU or whatever. so i don't think gifts for a 2nd baby are unusual or a shower 3 years later would be.
 
I think every baby should be honored with a shower. However, there is a difference between your friends wanting to have one for you and insisting on having one and footing the bill. To me, that''s a bit weird. I''ve hosted 2 baby showers this year, friend A was pregnant with her 4th and friend B was preggo with twins, her 3rd and 4th babies. I''ll be hosting another shower for a friend who''s having her 3rd. Shower A was very baby focused, shower B was more mom focused. Either way, we had a great time!
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I''ve always thought of baby showers as more for the baby than the mom, so I see no issue with a second shower. Her demands on it are a little quirky, but hey, if she''s paying for it, to each her own, I suppose. Are the friends being asked to host okay with being volunteered or are the hosts feeling put out by the request? It''s a little controlling, but as long as the hosts don''t mind, at least it saves them some of the planning efforts, right?
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Date: 4/22/2010 3:13:36 PM
Author: february2003bride
I think every baby should be honored with a shower. However, there is a difference between your friends wanting to have one for you and insisting on having one and footing the bill. To me, that''s a bit weird. I''ve hosted 2 baby showers this year, friend A was pregnant with her 4th and friend B was preggo with twins, her 3rd and 4th babies. I''ll be hosting another shower for a friend who''s having her 3rd. Shower A was very baby focused, shower B was more mom focused. Either way, we had a great time!
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Sweet comment, Feb bride. . .

Personally, I kinda do think a second shower is tacky especially if the kids are close together. Also, her basically throwing her own shower is even weirder, but in the scheme of things, does it even matter? Just go and have a fun time at the fancy venue!
 
Call me old-fashioned, but this is SO tacky. Even if she is paying for the meals, you''re not supposed to throw YOURSELF a shower, and I don''t really believe in second showers anyway. And the fact that she is registering is total gift-grabbing.

I didn''t want a second shower, and won''t throw them for my friends, either. What I will do is do a ladies lunch at a restaurant, where we each bring a small gift, if desired, and split the cost of the honoree''s meal. It''s a compromise - so, we''re still celebrating her pregnancy, but I''m not obliged to go crazy throwing a party for a woman with an 18 month old who already has everything she needs.

And, since all my friends had their kids 18-20 months apart (and they all had same-sex kids - 2 boys or 2 girls) I thought it would be ridiculous to spring for more of the same stuff.

My best friend is now pregnant with her second boy, and her first will be only 19 months when the new one is born. She has let me know clearly that she expects a "real" shower, not just a little luncheon, and she also wants to register. I made no offer to host one (I hosted her first and spent a lot of money on it) but if she can get someone else to host one for her, that''s up to her I guess.
 
Seems strange to me that she is insisting on it but if she is willing to foot the bill, then why not? I guess my knee jerk reaction to a baby shower for every kid the same way I would look at a bridal shower for every marriage a bride has. If one of my currently married friends got divorced and then engaged to a new guy, I don''t think I would consider, even for a moment, not offering her another bridal shower. Perhaps it might be a tad different from the first one (where traditional the shower is meant to help the bride and groom set up a home, etc) but I would definitely still offer it. I don''t think I would treat a second or third child any differntly than that scenario.
 
that is a sweet comment feb and i actually agree. i think that is what i mentally think about when i think about showers. it''s for the mom sure but it''s about the baby. and i do like the idea of honoring 2nd or 3rd or 4th babies with their OWN showers. and own memories if you will. the first always seems to get eveything esp if the kids are close together.

i also agree with you vesper that offering to pay for the shower if someone throws it for you is tacky..! i mean throw your own shower then right? and call it something else, like baby #2 pre-celebration or whatever. people will STILL bring gifts but at least then you aren''t faking it like someone wants to throw a shower for you.
 
Date: 4/22/2010 2:36:45 PM
Author: fiery
I''m one that doesn''t find second baby showers to be tacky, even if the children are just a year or so apart. In my family/culture/neighborhood, it''s common to have a shower for each child.
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This.

It''s common (I think for most) latin people to have a shower for each baby. It never bothered me and I never even knew it could be considered tacky (until a friend was mentioning how tacky it was...hehe).

If I were to have another baby (don''t let DH read that!)...I think my sister would probably still throw a shower/GTG for me. I would do the same for her....I think it''s about honoring the baby, like Feb said. I guess I would just be cautious with what I call it since it''s obvious some people think it''s tacky, etc.
 
I don't find second showers to be tacky. But holding one in such an expensive venue is OTT?? IDK.....
 
It''s a little eyeroll-worthy to me but I can''t really find concrete fault with it. I would think that she just loves a party and wants to open lots of gifts because that is her idea of a fun time. My practical side would rather see someone take the money they''re using to pay for sort of an extravagant event like that and just buy the items they think they need rather than inviting people to a party to buy them for her, but that''s just me. Everyone has their own way of doing things and even if it seems a little back-a$$wards, it''s not a big deal.
 
hokay, kid is down for a nap. So first, thanks for your two cents. Now my thoughts...

Well, they are kind of garbled...

First I should say this girl is generally down to earth. That being said, she loves nice things and has expensive taste when she does actually buy things.

The people who would be throwing her this shower would be me, the mother of the triplets, and another gal who is a SAHM and they are struggling financially. Obviously the mother of the triplets can''t do anything in the planning (nor is it expected) but she has offered to throw in money.

And the money. Well, this is cultural, but we would have a hard time accepting it. The SAHM and I are in discussions right now though as to what we should do, which includes accepting some money. It just puts us in a awkward position...who throws someone a shower, but makes them pay? It''s sort of unheard of! The same group of girls are going out for two of the gals'' birthdays. The mom to be is one of the girls and chose one of the most expensive, hottest restaurants in town. They take reservations only exactly one month in advance and I put it on my calendar to do (after the mom kept asking me for an update on the reservation). Even with me booking one month out in advance, I wasn''t fast enough, so we were only able to get an early slot. However, someone we know who is in the wholesale food industry pullled strings and we were able to get a better reservation. The Mom to be offered to pay for her dinner because she knew it was going to be expensive, but seriously...that would just make everyone feel totally lame! Can''t win though...and it is a self inflicted wound, to be sure.

I don''t care for second showers. But I hate showers and didn''t even want one of my own. But that''s my own bias and I get that everyone doesn''t feel that way. I''m happy to throw her a shower, but this is taking the fun out of it. It''s the OBLIGATION part that gets me. She just called me to tell me the restaurant she wanted is booked (the SAHM mom has checked) so she was on her way to check out another venue in town. I was like, er...ok. I felt bad *I* wasn''t doing it and I wasn''t sure if she wanted me to volunteer for the venue checking out job.

Even at 40 bucks a head, with 20 guests, it would be 800 divided by 3. That''s not terrible and I can swing it, but I think it''s extravagant for a second shower. My friend LOVES throwing parties. Insisted on throwing a second shower at her home for another gal in the group. That gal approached me the other day and said she would like to take part in throwing a shower. I told her that momtobe wants it at a nice restaurant with 20 guests. She looked a bit shocked and tactfully rescinded her offer due to financial constraints (she''s a SAHM with two kids as well.)

Ultimately I agree with Cara in the sense of "what''s the harm?" But I think showers should be thrown by the people who want to throw them in the way they want to throw them. I know my friend is trying to take the burden off us by planning and paying, but ultimately then we''re not really doing the throwing and are just being assigned duties like a secretary. Most of us want throw a nice party at one of our homes and cater in.

The debate at the moment is whether to say anything, because it could be that we''re just a bunch of cranky women (SAHM is poor, Triplet mom is exhausted and I''m a bit cranky from my recent hosting duties and business travel) who would rain on a friend''s parade. So far, none of us think it''s worth doing that, but there''s grumbling all the same. Gotta hate those self inflicted wounds!
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Eh, I don''t see the harm. If she''s willing to essentially organise and pay, then I''d be happy to go. Some people just like parties. And that''s a great point Feb.
 
ok, i realize i''m older than other posters but "back in the/my day" baby showers for a 2nd baby were never heard of and, personally, i think its over the top.

if she''s paying for a party, why should anyone else have to host it? she should just be upfront and send out party invitations giving location and time and asking for rsvp as she is paying for the party and with an indication that she has registered for gifts but they are not required for attendance.

in other words, just another excuse for a party....unless she''s really just after more attention and presents.


mz

ps sometimes i think life really has become more complicated than it needs to be.
 
Date: 4/22/2010 4:29:17 PM
Author: movie zombie
ok, i realize i''m older than other posters but ''back in the/my day'' baby showers for a 2nd baby were never heard of and, personally, i think its over the top.

if she''s paying for a party, why should anyone else have to host it? she should just be upfront and send out party invitations giving location and time and asking for rsvp as she is paying for the party and with an indication that she has registered for gifts but they are not required for attendance.

in other words, just another excuse for a party....unless she''s really just after more attention and presents.


mz

ps sometimes i think life really has become more complicated than it needs to be.
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Ha, I know!

She isn''t an attention seeker. She just loves going out and eating.
 
Erm... that's weird, sorry. In my world, you get one baby shower for your first baby. Not to mention she wants a super pricey place in Beverly Hills... really? Why not just throw a fabulous party for your friends? Why register and expect someone else to organize?

Babies are worth celebrating, don't get me wrong, but this is coming off a little too "Look at me, look at me!" for my taste. Especially since no one has offered to throw a shower in the first place and she just assumes someone will organize it.

This is what bugs me about mom/pregzillas. People have lives, jobs and kids of their own. To assume everyone is going to drop everything for a (sorry) really self indulgent event is kind of tacky.
 
We don''t have showers here at all (I suppose the odd person might but it is not common), it''s usual to send a card and/or gift when the baby is born if they''re a close friend.

My take on it would be:

a) You want x restaurant and you will pay - great, but YOU organise it all, send out the invites and we''ll happily show up with some baby booties.

b) You hope that one of your friends is nice enough to arrange something for you and leave it all up to them as it''s THEIR event in your honour.

Showers for second babies... I think that is okay, but I do find it odd what people register for. Here gifts are things like a cute sleeper or nice baby blanket, no one would give boring (burp cloths/diaper bins etc) or big items except possibly the grandparents. DH & I paid for everything for Daisy as did most of our friends for their babies.
 
Date: 4/22/2010 4:29:17 PM
Author: movie zombie
ok, i realize i''m older than other posters but ''back in the/my day'' baby showers for a 2nd baby were never heard of and, personally, i think its over the top.


if she''s paying for a party, why should anyone else have to host it? she should just be upfront and send out party invitations giving location and time and asking for rsvp as she is paying for the party and with an indication that she has registered for gifts but they are not required for attendance.


in other words, just another excuse for a party....unless she''s really just after more attention and presents.



mz


ps sometimes i think life really has become more complicated than it needs to be.
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I agree with MZ. If she loves to give parties, wants to have what amounts to a party for her second child and doesn''t mind footing the bill, she should be the host. And I wouldn''t feel bad about handing over the reins to her given the above facts. JMO. I think the only 2nd baby showers that I have been invited to within my circle were given when there was a large gap between the pregnancies. And while I don''t think it''s necessarily tacky or weird to have a 2nd shower if the pregnancies were close together, I do think I would give pause if invited to one.
 
The only time I was put off with a second shower was the one that my friend had for her now 1 year old. She technically didn''t plan herself (i.e. you had to RSVP to her mom) but she really did do everything herself.

She picked a restaurant and made her guests pay for their own dinner.

Yes. The guests had to pay for their own dinner and of course bring a gift.

She did this for her first baby as well. At the time, I thought it was odd but didn''t mind going because a) she''s a friend and b) it was lunch time so the per plate cost was $15 ($30 for FI and I). This time it was dinner so it would have been $70 for us to attend. Plus, she had a boy and was having a girl so her registry wasn''t for the inexpensive items. We didn''t go. I got her a gift and sent it to her home. She also never sends thank you cards. It''s not common in our circle to send/receive thank you cards but if you''re going to make people pay to attend your shower where a gift is implied, then at least write up a little thank you note, KWIM?

Anyway, I was wondering: is your friend a perfectionist by any chance? I wonder because maybe she''s just afraid to let other people plan the shower out of fear that it may not turn out the way she wants it to turn out? Just a thought.
 
Date: 4/22/2010 3:48:12 PM
Author: vespergirl
Call me old-fashioned, but this is SO tacky. Even if she is paying for the meals, you''re not supposed to throw YOURSELF a shower, and I don''t really believe in second showers anyway. And the fact that she is registering is total gift-grabbing.

I didn''t want a second shower, and won''t throw them for my friends, either. What I will do is do a ladies lunch at a restaurant, where we each bring a small gift, if desired, and split the cost of the honoree''s meal. It''s a compromise - so, we''re still celebrating her pregnancy, but I''m not obliged to go crazy throwing a party for a woman with an 18 month old who already has everything she needs.

And, since all my friends had their kids 18-20 months apart (and they all had same-sex kids - 2 boys or 2 girls) I thought it would be ridiculous to spring for more of the same stuff.

My best friend is now pregnant with her second boy, and her first will be only 19 months when the new one is born. She has let me know clearly that she expects a ''real'' shower, not just a little luncheon, and she also wants to register. I made no offer to host one (I hosted her first and spent a lot of money on it) but if she can get someone else to host one for her, that''s up to her I guess.
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The highlighted part is pretty much how it is in my circle of friends. With my family and DH''s family you get one shower period even if you have babies back to back to back and even if you have a girl then a boy and then twins. It''s one shower, unless you''re my one cousin who has three kids with three different guys and had, that''s right, three showers. The horrors!
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I''m not horribly offended by someone wanting to have a second baby shower, but I do think that registering is going overboard and I agree that you can''t really throw a shower for yourself.
 
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