vow critics

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Hi, well, I am giong to have to let my fiance read my vows in about an hour so she can help translate them into Japanese for me,and I just finished writing it...anybody here want to give me any criticism or advice or anything...I wasn:t really sure what direction to take on it, or what was expected, so I just tried to do my own thihng...if you want to know let me know and I can post it up here, but will probably only leave it up for like the next hour, if anyone even wants to see it....

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/14/2008 7:08:05 AM
Author:WorkingHardforSmallRewards
Hi, well, I am giong to have to let my fiance read my vows in about an hour so she can help translate them into Japanese for me,and I just finished writing it...anybody here want to give me any criticism or advice or anything...I wasn:t really sure what direction to take on it, or what was expected, so I just tried to do my own thihng...if you want to know let me know and I can post it up here, but will probably only leave it up for like the next hour, if anyone even wants to see it....

Hi there!

Once you have posted them then you have a 20 min window to edit, so after that time if you want them removed then you would have to ask admin to delete for you.

Sure, I would love to read them!

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

 

[Lorelei]

I think it is a wonderful heartfelt piece of writing, well done!! The only thing I would change is where you said she is the most beautiful of all people but not the most beautiful thing, that the world is more beautiful. I would say something like she is the most beautiful of people and the most beautiful thing in your life, and then continue onto the part where it says for her to join you in discovering together and with your future children the beauty that life and this world has to offer.

You can compare her to the beauty of the world, but don't say it is more beautiful IMO, keep her on her pedestal. This last sentence is the advice of my Husband also as I asked him to read it also.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

edited vows below

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

thanks for your advice, I am still working on that passage, but for a quick fix I am giong with this: Some Notes, ichi ban-number one, kirei-beautiful, anatta-you

Ichi ban kirei. (to the audience) That was the nickname I gave (her name) when we were first dating.
Unfortunately, over the past five years we have been forced to live very far apart from each other. However, over those five years I have learned more about the world, living, loving and you.
@@@Being without you so often has given me plenty of time by myself to think about the world around me, and in that time I have learned how to truly see the world. The Earth and the sky\there is so much beauty to see\take my breath away to experience, and I want to share that world with you, the most beautiful thing in my life. I want to see that world with you, to travel across it over the years. With you, hand in hand, I want to experience and visit the most incredible places that this world has to offer, and together I want to show our future children how great a gift we have; to help them understand how wonderful it is simply to be alive. But, we donft have to travel to find something incredible. We only have to see the sky above us, look at the nearest puddle of water, or even look at ourselves to truly appreciate living. The world is an incredible gift and I promise that each day, as long as we are alive, I will always take the time to hold you and enjoy the world with you at my side.
@@@Being without you so often has taught me the value of being with you. George Herbert once wrote that gStorms make oaks take deeper roots.h Our time apart has been difficult to overcome; it has taken hard work, loneliness and sacrifice. However, my love for you never stopped; instead of being knocked down it was forced to take deeper root inside my heart. I promise you that no matter what struggles we face in the future the oak tree of my love will never fall and will never be uprooted; I promise you that my love will never die until my heart, the soil of those roots, stops beating.
@@@Anatta. You are patient. You are kind. You are strong. You deserve a lifetime of happiness and I promise to work every day to give you that. You are my partner in life, but you are not just my wife, and you are not just my ichi ban kirei--you are my ichi ban. For me you will always come first.

 

[Lorelei]

I think that is much better!

 

[arjunajane]

Hi there, really nice vows!

May I make one *very small* suggestion?

This part: "However, my love for you never stopped; instead of being knocked down it was forced to take deeper root inside my heart. "

Instead of "forced", how about "encouraged". Forced implies that its, well, against your will, yanno?

Just a suggestion, of course you know the best.

Good luck!

 

[Regular Guy]

Very Nice.

Best of wishes (and welcome back),

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/14/2008 8:39:32 AM
Author: arjunajane
Hi there, really nice vows!

May I make one *very small* suggestion?

This part: ''However, my love for you never stopped; instead of being knocked down it was forced to take deeper root inside my heart. ''

Instead of ''forced'', how about ''encouraged''. Forced implies that its, well, against your will, yanno?

Just a suggestion, of course you know the best.

Good luck!

I agree with AJ - or you could say '' However, my love for you never stopped; instead of being knocked down it rooted deeper within my heart.''

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 12/14/2008 8:55:30 AM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 12/14/2008 8:39:32 AM
Author: arjunajane
Hi there, really nice vows!

May I make one *very small* suggestion?

This part: ''However, my love for you never stopped; instead of being knocked down it was forced to take deeper root inside my heart. ''

Instead of ''forced'', how about ''encouraged''. Forced implies that its, well, against your will, yanno?

Just a suggestion, of course you know the best.

Good luck!

I agree with AJ - or you could say '' However, my love for you never stopped; instead of being knocked down it rooted deeper within my heart.''

Yep, or "...instead of being knocked down, it took root deeper inside my heart". Not 100% sure, but I think that would be the "proper" syntax etc..

All very similiar, but I''m the type that can''t leave a sentence until it feels right. Especially with something so important.
Hope it helps

 

[arjunajane]

Also, if I can suggest one more *small* change. Please remember, this is just my taste/opinion, so please feel free to disregard it as you see fit!

Here: "But, we don''t have to travel to find something incredible. We only have to see the sky above us, look at the nearest puddle of water, or even look at ourselves to truly appreciate living."

I would suggest alter to something like:
"However, I don''t need to travel to find something incredible - I have found it in you. And we need only look to ourselves and our love to truely appreciate the joy of living".
(and then of course continue with the next bit, which is lovely btw).

The reason I suggest this, is you have mentioned appreciating the sky and the earth earlier in that passage. So one, it would avoid repetition. And two, it would bring the focus back on your union.

Of course, as I said its only my opinion, and you are welcome to accept or reject it.

Thats all !

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

thanks for yoru advice everyone, didnt mean to leave it up but I am glad I did. I will def. changed the force element, it does give the wrong impression as it is not about forcing but more about encouraging and fostering growth.

I will also take the final piece of criticism under consideration, I am not sure how I feel about it yet, but I agree something may need to be adjusted.