Very long post, but please read

[dreaming of the day]

I have never started my own post, but I just really feel like I need some advice...

Background: Me and my SO have been dating almost 7 years (anniversary in October) but we started young as I had just turned 18 and he 20. We talk about marriage a lot and I know he is 100% sure of spending his life with me - our only hold up is finances. He just finished school last year and has quite a bit of debt to pay off. We live with his parents so we can save for a down payment, ring, wedding - and debt repayment. Sometimes it is really hard living with my SO''s family but we are extremely close.

So a few months ago... we were looking at diamonds very intently, I found one that I completely fell in love with and it was a good price. Everything was set to go. Now my SO is not very spontaneous and this was not planned, so you can imagine that I felt above cloud nine. I couldn''t wipe the smile from my face until... my SO gave his notice at work. It was completely justified because he now had his degree ,and his wage no longer reflected that - when he asked for a raise he only got $1 extra per hour (nice raise

). So the money he had in savings went to paying minimum payments while he was out of work. I know we made the right decision but it didnt make it any less hurtful - I was devistated. He ended up being out of work longer than I thought, so it really was the best choice. (I have to keep telling myself that - hence the repitition). We had been planning to take a trip in October (this was talked about for a long time) as it is my b-day and our anniversary and I was determined to make this happen - I need something to look forward to. Originally I believe this would have been when he proposed but I know that it won''t happen, heck I think our timeline has been push backed another 6 months.

Anyways long story short (not really short) he got a job, and I booked the trip because it was a great deal. I know this was a bad idea because now he has to ask for five days off in October, and he might not be able to come. But I convinced my BFF and my family to come celbebrate my b-day with me, so even if he can''t come I have to go even though my SO would be mad. I guess I booked it because I wanted the spontanity from being so upset before, and this time I had the control over it. Now I am stressed out, I cried a lot last night, got in a fight with his family (cause they think I made a stupid decision reagarding booking the trip and they are mad at me), and brought up everything that made me so upset.

I guess its that I feel like I have sacrificed a lot lately, push backed engagement, perhaps no trip, and living with his family (which is great financially and I truly love them like my own family, but its still difficult). It is so hard because if we didnt live there they wouldnt even really know about half this stuff. Plus I feel like they think I am a little brat for being upset about it all. I feel like I should be allowed to feel sad! When his mom spoke of my ring - she''s like "you have outrageous expectations how do expect this to happen anytime soon" I did say some things like "the longer I wait the bigger it has to be.."(I was just mad sperting out hurtful things) and she asked me if I was with her son for the money, the odacity after seven years for her to ask that, and thats why were not engaged because we dont have the money. His family is very comfortable financially but they are by no means rich. Sorry just venting...

If you made it through this, thanks. If you are not exhausted I would love some words of advice/couragement/reality etc...

PS The ring I want is 1.25 to 1.40 centre cushion with micro pave band - is that really too outrageous. I also don''t want to ever upgrade so I don''t feel that is an option.

 

[cbs102]

ok... first, i give you major credit for living with your boyfriend''s family. THAT is stressful enough and i for one would NEVER EVER EVER be able to do it. i understand that waiting on an engagement is an exciting but very frustrating time for anyone. (believe me, i had many tearful nights wondering if we were ever going to get engaged) but here i am, engaged and happy. We went through set backs where buying a ring was just not in the question. i waited because i had no choice... i loved him and i knew that eventually it would happen. patience sweet pea!!!!

i don''t think that your ring choice is outrageous.. but with the monetary situation the way it is- it does appear to be a little extravagant. you deserve to have the kind of ring that you want.. but when your FF does not have a job, and you are living with you FF parents, and you are having to explain TO THEM about certain purchases you made.. then i think your priorities are not that straight. I am telling you, i would be more concerned with moving out of that house as fast as possible. get some money together, get on your feet, get the hell out of the parents house... maybe 6 months is not all that long of a time??? plus, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in..having his parents get mad at you too and claiming that you are using their son for money.. get out of there... QUICKLY!

 

[Shoopy]

First of all, you are all exaggerating. Everyone always fears asking for time off from work when they first start. It.is.not.that.serious. He can say he had a trip already planned before getting the job and will need the time off. If they give him crap over it, then he can ask for 3 days instead of 5. NO biggie. Unless he’s working on the trading floor at Wall Street with 200 other analysts waiting to take his spot, he’ll be fine.

Your ring request isn’t an outrageous request. However, asking someone that is having a hard time financially to get the ring in your internal timeframe is. But that is none of his parent’s business. If you both agreed to that, then that is what you should do. Just understand it may take a while.

I don’t think it was wrong of you to have booked the trip. It was for your birthday, you wanted the trip, and I’m assuming you’re paying for it yourself. If that’s the case, then don’t be too hard on yourself.

As for living with the parents, been there/done that. We lived with his mom and dad for close to 9 months before we closed on our condo. I love his family too and for the most part, they left us alone. He did go to his mom once when we were arguing and she confronted me on it but I told her my side and she understood. It’s an awkward situation because you don’t really have anyone but yourself that can defend you. You need to have the convo with your FF NOW that if you two are having issues, he should NOT discuss it with them at all. They are going to end up forming an opinion of you based on his complaints which is not going to be good for anyone involved.

 

[HollyS]

I have a couple of questions:

1) You are 25 approximately, based upon your 7yr relationship?
2) Are you working? At what?
3) If you could afford to live elsewhere, right now, would you?
4) Why is saving for the ring, the wedding, the house worth living with his parents now? You have many years ahead of you; the house can certainly wait, for instance.

The choices we make determine the problems/joys we have in life. My first choice would be to be more independent of ''family''. My second choice would be to decide what was more important, the marriage, the wedding, or the ring. Lots of happy people marry without ''the ring''. It can be purchased later. And weddings don''t have to break the bank; lots of threads on PS describe lovely weddings that did not cost huge sums of money.

And really, if you have to live with family, a carat+ ring does seem a tad excessive -- at this time. And a trip, that you booked because you feel you deserve to go, even without your SO, seems kind of passive agressive. Sort of like "You can''t go, but I can, and I will!" Do you see how it could appear that way to him or his family? Especially if they are footing the bills for the roof over your head?

Step back and assess.

 

[dreaming of the day]

Thanks cbs102 - I agree about wanting to get out - for the most part its ok living with his parents - I mean free rent/food but it does come with setbacks. I know my dream of a ring is a bit much for our situation but I also feel I have waited a really long time. I know we will be together forever, but forever couldn''t come soon enough!

Fieryred33143 - I don''t want him to risk his job and if it comes to choosing I don''t want him to choose the trip - but really its not that long and it was booked and paid for before he started - Plus not once was he asked about future travel plans in the interview. I think he is really stressed about it though and I do feel bad that I brought that on him, but I am tired of waiting around for something exciting to happen. Yes I am paying for the trip myself - I work hard to save money and I think I deserve something like this.

Thank you for your responses

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:38:24 PM
Author: dreaming of the day
Thanks cbs102 - I agree about wanting to get out - for the most part its ok living with his parents - I mean free rent/food but it does come with setbacks. I know my dream of a ring is a bit much for our situation but I also feel I have waited a really long time. I know we will be together forever, but forever couldn''t come soon enough!

Fieryred33143 - I don''t want him to risk his job and if it comes to choosing I don''t want him to choose the trip - but really its not that long and it was booked and paid for before he started - Plus not once was he asked about future travel plans in the interview. I think he is really stressed about it though and I do feel bad that I brought that on him, but I am tired of waiting around for something exciting to happen. Yes I am paying for the trip myself - I work hard to save money and I think I deserve something like this.

Thank you for your responses

Dreaming... i know that you are anxious.. and yes, you have been together for a long time... you are already committed to one another. As Holly mentioned, you do not have to have the ring.. if it is the engagement is what you really want. if it is the ring- then i suggest patience. you guys need to get on your feet and move in together -ALONE.. that would be #1 for me.

 

[dreaming of the day]

HollyS- Good Points

1) Yes I am 25, but finished school, done travelling, and really ready to have settled down for sometime now.
2) I am working, full time, as an investment assistant - training to be an associate
3) If I could live elsewhere with SO right now I would in a heart beat.
4) My SO will not rent - he is admant about it he wont move out till he can buy. His parents will help us with a down payment when the time is right (being when he has paid off his debt) His mom said if she didnt love me so much, and they didn''t think we were forever she would not allow me to live there, but I am a part of the family. His parents are amazing, they have even taken me on family trips - I know they love me like one of their own - but it is still a difficult part of our relationship. I can''t live at home because it is over an hour away and it really doesnt work. I know we could do it all for cheap but they come from a very traditional family and it just wouldnt work to elope (a lot of people have been waiting a long time for us to get married), plus we want to have a big party to celebrate. The wedding I can wait for, I just really want to be engaged. His mom said the other night that she thinks we should hurry up and get married by next summer (contradictory, I know) and I said I wanted to wait till 2010, she than questioned if I was even ready to get married because I should want it right away if I am ready. I said I was ready to be engaged and that was that.

The trip thing wasnt passive aggresive - I dont think! The job he has he got through my BFF, and she is coming on the trip - they are in different departments and before I booked I asked if she thought he would get the time off - she said she didnt think it would be a problem at all. So I really thought he would be able to go. He kinda asked yesterday - just feeling it out and the answer wasnt no, but it also wasnt yes (it was more like - if we hire someone else, than its a good possibility if not than most likely you wont be able to) My thing is that is unfair, no time line no nothing, I would rather it be yes or no. Turns out my BFF said he should ask the higher up boss, and he mentioned it to someone who doesnt really have the authority (he thought the guy did), so now we wait.

 

[princesss]

Honey, I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible:

I think your priorities may be a little out of whack to get what you want.

You say you've been waiting a long time for the ring, but the ring isn't the engagement. You could get engaged without it. If you don't want to upgrade, buy the w-band first, and save the dream ring for an anniversary when you're more comfortable financially. That way you still wear the ring he proposed with every day, but you get your dream ring later on.

If it were me, I'd be focused on getting out of that house. You can save money while paying rent and buying your own groceries. Yes, it takes longer, but you can find afforable apartments/townhouses. Is it worth your relationship with your FILs to live rent-free? At the moment they sound very involved in your relationship in a way that you don't seem comfortable with (really, it's none of their business that you booked a trip for your birthday. It's your birthday and your money.) You can even pay off debt while doing all of this. Especially with two incomes.

If what you want is the engagement (not the engagement ring, the engagement) finances don't have to be a hold up.

Kudos, though, for realizing that this needs to be saved for and that the debt needs to be a focus. I think that speaks very highly of you. And if you're comfortable with your situation on a day-to-day basis, then ignore me. But it seems like you're not really all that thrilled with them being so involved in your life. (And honestly? If I was a parent and I had my kid and their SO living with me for free and paying no bills and they bought a ring like the one you want...I'd be a little upset. A lot upset, actually. And I'd think I had the right to be upset because it was MY house and MY food and MY television, you know? But in your own apartment paid for with your own money, all they can really say is, "Oh, what a lovely ring.")

ETA: I just saw we posted at the same time and you addressed many of these issues, so feel free to ignore stuff in here you've already talked about.

ETA2: It kind of bugs me that he gets to make the decision not to rent. What about what you want? Would you rather rent and be out of there? If so, I think you have a valid argument for renting...at least as valid as him not wanting to rent.

 

[dreaming of the day]

princess- I appreciate the dose of reality, I do. I know what you say is right. No matter what I do my SO will not rent - please dont think I havent tried. I even lived on my own for a while but it was hard going to school and paying for it all on my own - so I reverted back to living at home. I also think you are right about the ring and what his parents think cause we are living there. I have made a lot of sacrifices over the years - as my SO and FFIL have too, and I really dont want to sacrifice the ring - it is my dream. I know I have to have patience, I just feel like my patience gets tried over and over again. My So is too traditional to get engaged without a ring - it just wont happen.

 

[princesss]

Well, then it sounds like you''ve thought through everything you can, and this is what you''ll go with. I totally understand never wanting to upgrade (I''m the same way) which is the only reason I suggested proposing with the wedding band. I know the ring I get proposed to with is the ring I want to wear for the rest of my life. I definitely understand that.

In that case, hun, we''re here to listen and offer what help we can.

*hug*

 

[dreaming of the day]

Princess, Fieryredd33143, cb102, and hollys - Thanks for the support! And Princess thanks for the *hug*

 

[meresal]

Honestly, I think the ring should be the furthest thing to the back of your mind at this point. It will happen when he has the money. Yes, you have been together for 7 years, but has he been saving for 7 years? And by the amoutn that his parents are involved in your relationship, I have a feeling they wouldn't be very supportive of an engagement at this time.

I lived with FI's family for 1 month, and had to get out. Huge KUDOS for being there this long.
This is a personal opinion, but I think it is ridiculous that he is adamant about only buying. I think he is happy living with his family "security blanket" and not paying for a thing. Everyone has rented. Did he live at home all thru college as well? I only think this way, because of how he left his job without having another one lined up. Usually people that have been out on their own, would not make such a rash decision.

As far as him quiting his job without another one lined up?!? At 27 and JUST out of college, and in THIS market, that is absurd. I understand not getting the raise he wanted, but that doesn't mean you should walk out of the office. Lots of people search for other jobs while still working at the one they don't like. Some income is better than none (barring the idea that he's not working in a sweat shop for $5.50/hour, or being harassed). Especially if you are trying to save up money and get out of that house. I shudder to imagine what you would have done if you two weren't living at home and had real expenses (ie, rent, electricity, house payment, food, etc.).

Next, YOUR birthday trip. It is a trip for your birthday. Just say, "If you can't get off, that's fine, I'll go with my BFF" and let it end at that. I have a feeling you probably got mad at him when he told you he couldn't go, and that is why his family is involved, correct? In all actuality it can be very hard to get time off in the first couple months at a job. Mine had a 3 month trial period where if I missed for ANY reason, that gave them the ability to fire me for any reason. If you purchased this trip before he got the job offer then that is fine, but I don't think his family would have reacted like they did if you had. Did he already have the job offer from the company when you bought it? And yes, a 5 day trip is long when you only get 2 weeks a year. Come to think of it, if he just started, there's a good chance he doesn't even get 2 weeks for the rest of the year. Companies usually prorate vacation based on when you start.

Bottom line, I think you need to get out of that house!! I know that it is expensive, but it's not healthy being there.

ETA: You posted alot of different things, so if I completely missed the bar on this one I apologize. Best wishes!!

 

[dreaming of the day]

Meresal -You didnt miss the bar at all! I feel the same way about the ring, most of the time. It is just hard - usually at this time of the month. I think I really bottle things up and then when one thing goes wrong it all comes flooding out.

Ok little detail I didnt say before - His job was at his family''s business - which if he needed he could really have gotten back. He was standing up for himself saying he deserved more - I was really proud of him because he is not usually like that. They paid him really low for the work he did, which we always thought - okay free rent/food some holidays makes up for it. Plus he had worked there since he was 12. It is not a business that he would be able to take over (franchise) so there was no point in paying his dues any longer. His new wage is 1/3 higher per hour than his previous employment so I am really proud of him. Yes, he lived at his parents all through college and yes it is a huge security blanket. I really dont think he was ready to move out before but I see him being more ready lately. I mean it is so comfortable for him - cause its his house I dont know if he realizes how stressfull it is on me - we do communicate about it though. It is usually fine living there, I guess its just lately its been hard because I can''t say I actually live there (my mailing address is still at home) and they wont tell anyone cause they ''dont want to trash my name''. I think they are embarassed that I live there and I think it really hurts me.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First and foremost, tell his parents (Mom esspecially) to back off...like way off...like way, way, way off. It is not their place to ref. your disagreements. You have every right to feel disappointed, upset, and if you want to freakin cry--thats your right too! She was completely out of line with her off-the-wall suggestions. And I just wish you could have had the mind set to tell her that this was strictly between your boyfriend and you...and to keep her nose out of it.

If you want to take a great trip...go for it! Not everything you do must be directly tied in to your boyfriend. If he cannot get away from work, that's understandable...but he needs to understand that doesn't mean you cannot go and enjoy yourself...esspecially if you're traveling to be with you friend and family.

I am very sorry you're feeling hurt...but you need to understand that most MIL's are like that. Regardless of how close you two ladies are...when the chips are down, she will always rally to defend her son. She probably looks at the ering you want as over the top....and lets face it, a 1.4 Cushion cut is not a cheap diamond. She probably feels, if you have to live with them to get by, he shouldn't be spending all that money on a diamond. And then, to put the cherry on top, you're taking a solo vacation without him, while he stays home to make money to support your diamond habit.

And for what its worth, you're worth more. If they are embarrassed you live there...screw em'. Its their son who can't seem to live Mommy and Daddy lil' nest. They need to cut the apron string, and he needs to man up...period. He lives there, worked for them...and you embarrass them? LOL. Move out honey, with or without him...you'll be happier.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/14/2008 3:35:33 PM
Author: dreaming of the day
It is usually fine living there, I guess its just lately its been hard because I can't say I actually live there (my mailing address is still at home) and they wont tell anyone cause they 'dont want to trash my name'. I think they are embarassed that I live there and I think it really hurts me.

OH BOY. I really suggest you move out & get your own small place or rent a room in a place with a bunch of roommates. Just for your own self-worth! I wouldn't sneak around & be shamed by anyone. GEEZ! Must be AWFUL for you. NOT worth the financial benefits -- especially since you can't even ENJOY the financial benefits without his parents & him looking over your shoulder & deciding what is right & wrong about your spending & desires.

About the ring. Listen. You have to be realistic about his situation. It doesn't matter how long you've been waiting or what you wish for. Not everyone has the luxury of having their first e-ring being their "dream ring". It's just LIFE. Sometimes it s**ks. If you want a more expensive e-ring that he can comfortably afford (ideally after he pays off his debt but that's another story) ... why not offer to pay 1/2. Save up yourself & contribute. Something's got to give. You're wishing for an impossible situation. Time to get real. And get OUT. Seriously.

There's a lot I could speculate about his entrenchment in his family, the family biz, his continued dependence on them at 27, his inflexibility about renting, prior debt etc ... but I'll leave that to you (or other posters) I guess.


ETA: To clarify ... WHY is he living at home? To pay off debt? To save for a house? Because saving for an engagement ring gets in the way of his *other* goals. And *any* ring will involve him (and you) being in their house LONGER. Of course they'd be interested in that! They're even buying you both *food*. My hunch is that you'd be much more realistic about your ring wishes if they weren't subsidizing your nice lifestyle right now. (One that allows for trips & such as you don't have to pay rent/utilities or even food!)

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/14/2008 3:54:11 PM
Author: decodelighted

There''s a lot I could speculate about his entrenchment in his family, the family biz, his continued dependence on them at 27, his inflexibility about renting, prior debt etc ... but I''ll leave that to you (or other posters) I guess.

Yes, that would be me!!

However, most of what I suspected was true.


DOD- My FI works for the family business which he will take over one day, so I totally understand how hard it can be, but I still don''t find it healthly that he up and quit. You may think you are getting closer to an engagement by living there at the house, but IMHO, I think you''re just delaying it even more. And his parents not wanting to trash "your" name... Ahhem, I don''t think so. They are worried about numero uno, (thier name), and what a slap in the face. I can''t begin to imagine what you are going through. You have got to move out as soon as possible.

It''s a very good thing that you two are talking, but is he listening to you? I just can''t imagine why he is so against renting, and with debt you said he needs to pay off, it''s going to be VERY hard for him to get another loan. Are you the one that is going to be signing for it?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/14/2008 3:54:11 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/14/2008 3:35:33 PM
Author: dreaming of the day
It is usually fine living there, I guess its just lately its been hard because I can''t say I actually live there (my mailing address is still at home) and they wont tell anyone cause they ''dont want to trash my name''. I think they are embarassed that I live there and I think it really hurts me.

OH BOY. I really suggest you move out & get your own small place or rent a room in a place with a bunch of roommates. Just for your own self-worth! I wouldn''t sneak around & be shamed by anyone. GEEZ! Must be AWFUL for you. NOT worth the financial benefits -- especially since you can''t even ENJOY the financial benefits without his parents & him looking over your shoulder & deciding what is right & wrong about your spending & desires.

About the ring. Listen. You have to be realistic about his situation. It doesn''t matter how long you''ve been waiting or what you wish for. Not everyone has the luxury of having their first e-ring being their ''dream ring''. It''s just LIFE. Sometimes it s**ks. If you want a more expensive e-ring that he can comfortably afford (ideally after he pays off his debt but that''s another story) ... why not offer to pay 1/2. Save up yourself & contribute. Something''s got to give. You''re wishing for an impossible situation. Time to get real. And get OUT. Seriously.

There''s a lot I could speculate about his entrenchment in his family, the family biz, his continued dependence on them at 27, his inflexibility about renting, prior debt etc ... but I''ll leave that to you (or other posters) I guess.


ETA: To clarify ... WHY is he living at home? To pay off debt? To save for a house? Because saving for an engagement ring gets in the way of his *other* goals. And *any* ring will involve him (and you) being in their house LONGER. Of course they''d be interested in that! They''re even buying you both *food*. My hunch is that you''d be much more realistic about your ring wishes if they weren''t subsidizing your nice lifestyle right now. (One that allows for trips & such as you don''t have to pay rent/utilities or even food!)

I''m sorry, but I have to agree with deco. He has issues. Issues you are ignoring. Big elephants in the room; and you''re too busy sweeping their poo under the rug to notice them. I don''t want to hurt your feelings, but c''mon. Really look at your situation; stop justifying your positiion and your boyfriend''s position.

You are 25. In the only adult relationship you''ve ever had. With a boy who won''t leave his parent''s house; so you had to move in.

Your problems aren''t about his debt; the ring; your vacation; his family. The problem is . . . why is this situation okay with you?

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/14/2008 4:35:08 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/14/2008 3:54:11 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/14/2008 3:35:33 PM
Author: dreaming of the day
It is usually fine living there, I guess its just lately its been hard because I can''t say I actually live there (my mailing address is still at home) and they wont tell anyone cause they ''dont want to trash my name''. I think they are embarassed that I live there and I think it really hurts me.

OH BOY. I really suggest you move out & get your own small place or rent a room in a place with a bunch of roommates. Just for your own self-worth! I wouldn''t sneak around & be shamed by anyone. GEEZ! Must be AWFUL for you. NOT worth the financial benefits -- especially since you can''t even ENJOY the financial benefits without his parents & him looking over your shoulder & deciding what is right & wrong about your spending & desires.

About the ring. Listen. You have to be realistic about his situation. It doesn''t matter how long you''ve been waiting or what you wish for. Not everyone has the luxury of having their first e-ring being their ''dream ring''. It''s just LIFE. Sometimes it s**ks. If you want a more expensive e-ring that he can comfortably afford (ideally after he pays off his debt but that''s another story) ... why not offer to pay 1/2. Save up yourself & contribute. Something''s got to give. You''re wishing for an impossible situation. Time to get real. And get OUT. Seriously.

There''s a lot I could speculate about his entrenchment in his family, the family biz, his continued dependence on them at 27, his inflexibility about renting, prior debt etc ... but I''ll leave that to you (or other posters) I guess.


ETA: To clarify ... WHY is he living at home? To pay off debt? To save for a house? Because saving for an engagement ring gets in the way of his *other* goals. And *any* ring will involve him (and you) being in their house LONGER. Of course they''d be interested in that! They''re even buying you both *food*. My hunch is that you''d be much more realistic about your ring wishes if they weren''t subsidizing your nice lifestyle right now. (One that allows for trips & such as you don''t have to pay rent/utilities or even food!)

I''m sorry, but I have to agree with deco. He has issues. Issues you are ignoring. Big elephants in the room; and you''re too busy sweeping their poo under the rug to notice them. I don''t want to hurt your feelings, but c''mon. Really look at your situation; stop justifying your positiion and your boyfriend''s position.

You are 25. In the only adult relationship you''ve ever had. With a boy who won''t leave his parent''s house; so you had to move in.

Your problems aren''t about his debt; the ring; your vacation; his family. The problem is . . . why is this situation okay with you?

THRITTO...You and your FI have wayyyyyyyyy bigger issues than a brithday trip or the size of your engagement ring. I would suggest you focus on the other issues Deco and Holly mentioned...I think it would be a really good idea to really examine why you are ok with this situation?? You expect a nice e-ring, yet you both can''t even afford to live on your own...Seriously, you need to move out and start acting like an adult couple on your own.

 

[iheartscience]

Yikes. I would move out immediately if I were you. He can keep living with mommy and daddy if he wants, but there''s no reason why you have to.

A 27 year old guy who still lives with his parents and refuses to move out until he can buy a house? And he worked for the family business until age 27? And his parents let him live there? And you, too, as long as no one knows?

Are you sure you want to marry him?

This just sounds like a terrible situation. His family will always be in your business and it sounds like he doesn''t mind that. Plus it sounds like you don''t even have a solid time line for marriage. How long will it take for him to save up what, $8-10k for your ring? And then save up for a down payment? And a wedding? Do you really want to live with his parents for 2 or 3 or even 4 more years?

Also, I don''t get why he has tons of debt and not enough money for a ring if he''s never even had to pay for rent or food before. If I didn''t have to pay for rent, food or bills, I would have TONS of money. Seriously, TONS. I could buy myself a $10k diamond ring pretty darn quick!

I''m not trying to be mean, but I guess I don''t really see why you''re in this situation or how you''re going to get out of it.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

As far as the ring goes you don''t need one to be engaged. I do not have one. I probably will not have my ring for awhile. The decision to purchase our home, which is why we do not have thousands to dedicate towards a ring purchase, was one we made together. The decision to leave our investments as investments and not sell/cash anything in just to be able to buy a ring was our decision. The decision to not acrue any debt for an engagement ring was also a joint decision. After making so many huge life decision together, without any outside influence, I knew my FI and I were meant to be. That was all the validation I needed.

My point is that it doesn''t matter what tradition dictates or what other people think you need to do: an engagement can happen without a ring and in no way is that engagement cheaped by lack of a ring. When my FI calls me his FI, I blush and get little butterflys leaping in my belly - yes, even without a ring.

 

[purrfectpear]

Good grief, I don''t care why HE wants to live at home and freeload...that''s between him and his mommy and daddy.

On the other hand, YOU are 25 years old, YOU are not related, YOU are not engaged, YOU do have a job, and YOU don''t pay ANYTHING TOWARDS RENT OR FOOD EITHER

Honey, that''s called mooching. Either find some integrity and start paying something for food and rent (and don''t take NO for an answer), or move out already. You''ve set yourself up as a slacker. No wonder momma feels free to tell you what you should and shouldn''t do/expect as ring/etc. You don''t carry your own weight. Until you start acting like an adult (paying your own way through life) you don''t really have any right to expect to be treated as an adult.

 

[diamondfan]

I think that there are a couple of issues at play here. One is he is not financially able to get you a ring right now, so any ring other than a pop top is expensive and not feasible.

That does not mean that you cannot get it eventually.

Do you need to live with them? I am sure it is financially better but still, it cannot be the best thing even if you love them. Just being real, it helps that you get along with them but still, at your ages typically you would be on your own, and I just think it is a bit awkward to be bunking with them in your mid 20''s...

As for booking the trip, on one hand it sounds like you are being a bit childish (I wanted it and I felt I should have it) and it seems now there are some complications, which happens. No issues really, stuff comes up in life and this is one of those times. He can always tell his work this was planned, and really, it might have been best if he mentioned the possibility that he had a trip on the calendar...just to put it out there.

Otherwise, you go, and it is not the end of the world, if he can''t understand, well I really cannot say what is going on in his mind...maybe he wants you not to go if he cannot.

 

[LaraOnline]

I feel so sorry for you. You sound very sweet. You also have been waiting for so long, that you are starting to 'feel the burn'.
Your FMIL must have been there, desiring to marry - or at least be engaged. You are out on a limb, and she must have sympathy with that.

I'm not sure that booking a few days holiday for your birthday is such a terrible thing to do. You are young, lots of people go on little holidays all the time, it's no big deal, and I'm surprised he got his parents involved over it.

I guess we all would like a 1.24-40 c ring. I know I would, and perhaps the FMIL would too. Perhaps you should consider a smaller ring, from a place which allows upgrades. That is what I am planning on doing. I'll work my way up, with funny money I save gruadually!

 

[radiantquest]

please dont take this the wrong way, this is just my opinion...

i think that carat+ is excessive when you dont even stand on your own two feet. i think that if you are planning on spending the rest of your life with this guy you would want or even help him with his debt instead of "insisting" on this rather expensive ring. it almost seems to me that it is more about the ring for you than the actual engagement.

also, if i were his parents i would be a little upset about all that is going on. it is hard enough in times like this without two other ADULTS living with you. if i were them i would feel that you were using me and being free loaders. i think you should consider spending your time and money on supporting yourself. at least make an effort to contribute somehow.

im sorry if this came across harsh, but this is the way i feel.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

1. Yes, a 1.4 cushion cut is unreasonable for someone living at home and paying off debt with a new job. ANY purchase of such an extravagant luxury item is out of the question at this point.

2. Adults who make their own money and support themselves get to buy trips on a whim without anybody sticking their big nose into it. You are not supporting yourself, and therefore you shouldn''t be surprised that your bf''s family is butting in.

3. Your boyfriend may not want to move out, and that may be a wise choice him financially. However, you are not engaged, his family is ashamed to have you there, and they probably resent you based on the fact that you are not "officially" living there. You really need to remove yourself from this situation. Your relationship would be much more mature and actually closer to marriage in my opinion if you would move out.


I know it''s tough, but you''ll get there! Just keep your priorities straight and discuss your plans with your boyfriend. Good luck and enjoy your trip

 

[CrookedRock]

I think this thread has a lot of great points...

I have a quick question... Why is renting a place so bad and out of the question? Espicially in this market...

(just trying to gather facts)

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/14/2008 10:35:48 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I think this thread has a lot of great points...


I have a quick question... Why is renting a place so bad and out of the question? Espicially in this market...


(just trying to gather facts)

CR, earlier in the thread dreaming said he just refuses to rent until he can buy, and that his parents will give them a down payment once he pays off his debt. I don''t get it either, but apparently it''s just plain out of the question.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hang on girls,
this girl has been with this guy for seven years. Everybody knows that she wants to get married, as well she might, having been with him for such a long time. They have a long and intimate past together. She has actively supported him through his education and growth/development. Doesn''t he, and his family owe her anything at all?

I wouldn''t begrudge my son''s girlfriend living with us, if he was too stupid / lazy to move out of home, and if I was happy to have him here. And if he isn''t paying board, why should I insist she does? It should come from the son, who at least should have offered to pay for her. The problem lies primarily with him in this regard, imo. She''s not just a room mate. It remains his idea to live at home off the parents, not hers.

The ''ideal ring'' probably is a bit extravagant, but lots of ladies, young and old, have no real concept of how much sacrifice is required for a ring that big. Has he even been saving for a ring? Yes, but then those savings were worn down. Has the OP been saving to contribute to her ring? If so, then she might be well aware of the struggles and sacrifices involved in putting money aside for a luxury like jewellery.

I think she has sacrificed quite a bit to be with this boy/man, and maybe everyone involved - including mum, boy, and OP, need to sort themselves out and be accountable for what they will and wont accept and do. It seems clear to me that he wants a house, she wants to get married... she''s out on a bit of a limb... so often women are expected to hand over their entire LIVES, sometimes for many years, before they even get officially engaged these days!

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 8/14/2008 10:45:57 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 8/14/2008 10:35:48 PM
Author: CrookedRock
I think this thread has a lot of great points...


I have a quick question... Why is renting a place so bad and out of the question? Espicially in this market...


(just trying to gather facts)

CR, earlier in the thread dreaming said he just refuses to rent until he can buy, and that his parents will give them a down payment once he pays off his debt. I don''t get it either, but apparently it''s just plain out of the question.

Thanks Thing2of2... I read that too... but I can''t understand why. Just wanted to hear the motivations behind it.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 8/14/2008 10:46:16 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Hang on girls,

this girl has been with this guy for seven years. Everybody knows that she wants to get married, as well she might, having been with him for such a long time. They have a long and intimate past together. She has actively supported him through his education and growth/development. Doesn''t he, and his family owe her anything at all?


I wouldn''t begrudge my son''s girlfriend living with us, if he was too stupid / lazy to move out of home, and if I was happy to have him here. And if he isn''t paying board, why should I insist she does? It should come from the son, who at least should have offered to pay for her. The problem lies primarily with him in this regard, imo. She''s not just a room mate. It remains his idea to live at home off the parents, not hers.


The ''ideal ring'' probably is a bit extravagant, but lots of ladies, young and old, have no real concept of how much sacrifice is required for a ring that big. Has he even been saving for a ring? Yes, but then those savings were worn down. Has the OP been saving to contribute to her ring? If so, then she might be well aware of the struggles and sacrifices involved in putting money aside for a luxury like jewellery.


I think she has sacrificed quite a bit to be with this boy/man, and maybe everyone involved - including mum, boy, and OP, need to sort themselves out and be accountable for what they will and wont accept and do. It seems clear to me that he wants a house, she wants to get married... she''s out on a bit of a limb... so often women are expected to hand over their entire LIVES, sometimes for many years, before they even get officially engaged these days!

uh, no, his family does not owe her a single thing. I''d say that after the age of 18 nobody is owed anything from their own parents and certainly not from someone else''s. Anything given is a gift to be appreciated, not expected.


of course, this choice is on the boyfriend. However, the OP can only control her own choices and actions, and that is what people are addressing.