VENT!

[Anonymous]

VENT WARNING!

Ok so...I don't know what to think, all I know is that I feel really upset and I can't seem to sort this out. My FI and I are getting married on June 30, 2011 in NY, in the town that he grew up in. All of his family and friends still live near there, except for a couple. My friends are mostly scattered and for a variety of reasons (mostly money), it looks like none of them will be able to attend. FI's sister has graciously agreed to be my MoH and I like her a lot, so I don't feel badly about that.

Unfortunately, none of my family will be there either because they can't make the trip. My daughters will be there, but neither of my parents uncles, grandfather, etc. will be able to come. This has me pretty torn up emotionally. I know that even if it was here, my parents probably wouldn't be coming and only a small handful of friends would. As it stands now, there will be about 50 people from FI's side that will be attending the wedding. It's a no-brainer that the wedding being held in NY is the right decision. I'm okay with it. FI's mom is being super helpful and supportive (mostly). She's helping with almost everything, actually. She continually says "these are just suggestions, feel free to tell me NO, it's YOUR wedding". So she's not trying to take over, it's just a natural progression. I'm ridiculously busy with daily life, I can't be there to go to shops, vendors, etc. and she has numerous connections (flowers, lodging, venue for reception and the ceremony, you name it she knows them).

It's going to take almost all of our time and definitely all of our money, but it's worth it to me b/c I know it's going to be a beautiful wedding with my new family. It's the right thing to do. Here's where it starts to get difficult though. FI's friends from college have just announced that they're getting married on July 22nd, 2010...less than 3 weeks after we get back from our wedding. Theirs will be held near his hometown in NY. They've asked him to stand as a groomsman. FI's mom thinks that he should definitely go, even if it means going without me because it's important to maintain his friendships with people from his past. Now here's where I start getting pretty emotional and miffed. I've talked to FI's mom about this before, I've told her that we can't even have a honeymoon b/c we're using ALL of our funds and time off to have the wedding in NY.

I feel cheated out of two of the biggest things (not THE biggest, which is marrying my FI of course). It's still pretty big though to me. I lose out on having any family of mine except for my daughters and I also lose out on having a honeymoon. Now FI's mom wants him to go back to NY 2 weeks after we're married, by himself? I'm just beside myself with frustration and sadness at times, and this is one of them. Most of the time I'm okay, but today I'm just struggling so much.

FI's said repeatedly that he is NOT going to go w/o me. I know this means she will say "well then I'll pay for her ticket and she can go too". My problem is that if we're going to go traipsing across the US 2 weeks after our wedding, I want it to be for our time together since we will have JUST spent an entire week with his family there. Sigh...I have no idea what I'm trying to say I guess. I'm just really upset overall and I can't seem to figure out exactly why, or if my feelings are appropriate. If you made it this far, you're a saint. Thanks for listening...

 

[yssie]

Tammy - not much advice, but a big ::HUG:: dear!! I imagine every bride wants her nearest and dearest there with her - it is such a significant milestone, and afterall a wedding is in part a celebration of the joining of two families. I also understand being disappointed by the fact that many of FI's loved ones will be there whilst yours will not

I must say that I could not have dealt with it. We would be overhauling our plans, arrangements be damned Is there any way you could have a second reception convenient to your side in a few months? And/or I'm guessing you're probably at the bottom of the piggy bank at this point, but perhaps you could get your parents, especially, tickets/hotel stay as a 'parents gift' if it's a finances issue?

I do think that if FI values his relationship with his friend, it is important for him to go to the wedding. Obviously it is meaningful to both parties if he has been asked to be groomsman... and I absolutely think you should go with him as his new wife, if you can. You have not been cheated out of your honeymoon - many, many couples don't go on one for months after their wedding, for any number of reasons - the fact that all the fun-money and time off has been used up for the year, it's rainy season in the dream honeymoon location... go somewhere next year! What a wonderful way to celebrate one's first anniversary

 

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your response, Yssie. I've offered to fund my parents, but my father in particular is extremely anti-social (hasn't left their house in several months) and my mother will not leave his side. I am 100% sure that unless we went to their place, there would be no convincing them to celebrate with us. At that point, it's just not the same. I guess it's just time for me to move on and try not to get upset about these things.

I'll tell FI that if he wants to go, I support it (which I will) but it most definitely will put a financial strain on our family, and I'm not really comfortable with that. I know in the grand scheme of things I'm probably being petty and overly emotional, it's just wearing me down.

 

[violet3]

yuck. sorry about this! if your FIs mom offers to pay for your ticket, take it and go. At least you'll be together.

 

[junebug17]

Aw Tammy, I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice, I just wanted to send some hugs to you. I'm sorry you're upset at a time when you should be happy. I hope you're feeling better about things soon. Sometimes it just takes awhile to come to terms with how things are going to be, ya know? My father didn't attend my wedding because he wasn't well. He could have made it, but I think it was just too much for him. In the end I still had a nice wedding, and I was so happy marrying my best friend that it eased any sadness I felt. It's taken me a long time to realize this, and I'm still working on it, but so many times in life we can't control situations or people, the only thing we have control over is how we deal with it all. I hope you come to terms with everything soon, so you can enjoy your wedding preparations and the excitement of being a bride to be.

Oh, and I agree with violet...if mil offers to pay for your trip, I say go for it. At least you won't have to be separated from the hubs so soon after your wedding.

 

[nkarma]

Hi Tammy, I am sorry you are going through this. Ditto to yssie that lots of couples do honeymoons a while after they are married for a variety of reasons but I am sure you can do something special in the next few years.

This seems to happen in life a lot, you want a lot but can't afford it all. My philosophy is to never live beyond your means. But money from here on out will always be a compromise with the both of you. If it is really important for FI to be at his very good friend's wedding, I am sure you can prioritize your money in some way to make it happen. We all have money priorities and decide it is important to us to spend money on great food, clothes, gadgets, a bigger house in a better location, cars, travel, whatever our priority is unless we are unfortunate enough to not be able to prioritize anything and barely scrape by. If that is the case, of course he can't go to the wedding and if FI's friend was a true one, he would understand. If it is not the case, I would just ask your FI how important it is to be there and whether that priority comes over eating out, having something expensive or you don't need at your wedding, or whatever you can cut out to save enough money for him to attend.

You are seeing from experience that it is important to you that friends and family be at your wedding. I am sure this other couple feels the same and would be grateful to have your FI there.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It seems reasonable enough to me that you'd be hurt about your family not making it to the wedding. I think any bride would feel much the same, it an important thing. But, it may be time to move past that. See, your wedding may just be ONE day, but the whole process leading up to the day is just as important. You may find yourself happier and more relaxed if you can just let go of what you cannot control and the things you cannot change. Focus in on the happier things, the things that make you feel good and loved. I am sure that's easier said than done, but what choice do you have?

And as far as the wedding in July...

My stance is that you should go along with whatever makes your FI happy. If he wants to be there for his friend, then that's exactly what he should do. And if your MIL is gracious enough to extend the offer of a ticket for you accompany him, double plus. Be grateful she thinks highly enough of you to do such a thoughtful thing. I am sure you'd rather have that money to go on a honeymoon, but that's not what the offer is for, so take it for what it's worth. And, if you can swing it, make the trip extra special by extending it a day or so and do something just the two of you. Again, it's all in how you think of it.

((hugs))

 

[tyty333]

Big hugs Tammy...if it were me...I would tell him to go (I would miss him terribly though). I just think he grew up with
these people and you shouldnt keep him from going. Plus it just shows your love for him and that he is important enough
to you to make this scrafice. If MIL is willing to buy you a ticket then no reason for you not to
go either. As far as honeymoon, I would start saving my money right after all the bills from the wedding are payed off
and plan an exciting honeymoon for your first anniversary. That gives you something to be excited about and to look forward
to!

 

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the insight and hugs, of course! I am happy to report that my meltdown about all of this has (at least for now) subsided. It usually doesn't even phase me, argh.

I've told FI several times that I'm really, really ok with him going if it's something that's important to him. He keeps saying he doesn't want to because of logistics. When I talked to him today about making it a multi-purpose trip (small honeymoon doing something fun for us before or after their wedding day), he said that he honestly doesn't feel like it's a priority to him. They don't keep in touch and the last time that he visited them (about a year and a half ago) he felt like his friend had changed so much that it was uncomfortable for him.

So I'm still being supportive, telling him that if he wants to go we'll figure it out and make the best of it. In the meantime, I am trying to re-center myself regarding the stuff with my family. Even if it does turn out as I suspect and I only have my two girls there as my family, at the end of the day the wedding is about officially becoming part of his family too. Luckily for me, that's a very, very positive thing.

Thank you again, I needed the perspective.

 

[yssie]

Glad you're feeling better Tammy.

I hope your father is getting the help he needs - that must be very difficult for all of you you are doing a wonderful job of making the best of admittedly less-than-ideal circumstances and embracing the positives

 

[sphenequeen]

Hi Tammy,

I have to say that I sympathize with you and I can see where you are coming from - and perhaps the issue goes beyond making the sacrifice of having the wedding in New York and giving up the honeymoon, but in having your future MIL dictate what your future husband will be doing with his upcoming weekends and how he will maintain his friendships. I understand what it is like to want your spouse (or future spouse) to make take a firm stand and just say that things are going to be a certain way. And perhaps your fiance has, but your future MIL is insistent and maybe that is just her personality. Aside from making "helpful" suggestions about your wedding, dies your future MIL seem at all controlling about your fiance?