Vent/Tough Love

[Aloros]

I just spoke this morning with my father about bf (soon-to-be-fiance) and I taking custody of his 10 year old son.

I spent an hour afterwards listening to his advice and warnings. I love my father very much and I respect his opinions. Him and my mother were/are the best parents a lady could ever ask for.

The original plan was for bf and I to move in together, buy a house, and then take custody of his son. Due to circumstances out of our control, we are taking custody of his son probably sometime next month. I''m sort of relieved, because I don''t like the situation he is living in right now.

So...now we''re scrambling to find a place to rent in the neighborhood we like so his son won''t have to switch schools.

My dad thinks that I should let bf live with his son on his own for six months or so so they can "iron out" their own issues before I move in. He also thinks we should hold off on the house-buying for a while. He thinks these are all big life changes and they should be taken one step at a time.

I do agree with his advice to a certain extent. However, single-parenting is TOUGH. Bf has ALWAYS been there for me, thick or thin, and he''s done so without ever issuing the slightest complaint. I never even had to ask. How could I let him do this on his own? First off, it would be hard for my bf to rent a place on his own in that neighborhood. It would be hard for me to rent a place on my own in that neighborhood. And let''s face it, I''d be over there 99% of the time anyways. So to me, it seems like a waste of money. I adore his son and we get along really well, plus he minds what I say. Not saying things would be 100% breezy (I''ve worked with kids a lot in the past, so I know what they''re capable of), but I do feel I know what I''m getting myself into.

I might be persuaded to hold off on the house buying. We''re looking at a place tonight, bank owned. It looks great on the outside and I was told it looks just as nice on the inside. If it actually does, it may be a tough deal to turn down. What we would pay on it per month would be only a little more than the rent we pay now + we''d have an extra bedroom (Of course...there are always unexpected maintenance fees...).

I''m a very laid back person, and we''ve lived with his son for three weeks at a time, without any added stress on me. He''s a good kid and deserves better than what he''s got right now.

On the other hand, I respect my parents very much, and they really did everything right so I do value their opinions. I have always done the "right" thing - get good grades, go to a good college, study something "practical", get a well-paying job, etc. - and I fear swaying from that path at the risk of losing THEIR respect.

My bf is planning on proposing soon, and I dread telling them because I know they will be disappointed as opposed to joyful. I love my family, but as of now, the only person''s support I have is my older brother''s. I hate feeling like I have to convince everyone. I hate to discard my parents'' advice, but I also want to do what makes me happy.

Maybe I am crazy and I just need some tough love.

 

[surfgirl]

Aloros, I dont have kids by choice, but may I say that I can see both sides of this complicated coin. Your father is right, it''s alot of "newness" to take on at once. I guess ultimately I''d ask you what YOUR relationship is with your FI''s son. If it is a good relationship already, then why not take him in at this time. However, if you and he dont really have a relationship, perhaps he and his father should bond a bit before you step into a daily life with him? I''m not really sure and to be honest, I dont think anyone here can really know what to tell you. I do think you and your FI, and his son, would probably benefit a lot from a few sessions with an expert child psychologist. I mean, you''re going to have to determine what your role will be in this kid''s life, how you''re going to discipline him, IF you''re going to take on that role, etc. I think a counselor that specializes in family counseling can help you in those areas. That might be a good starting point? Good luck, whatever direction you decide to go in!

 

[Independent Gal]

Aloros, it IS a lot of newness at once, and I think holding off on buying a house is probably a good idea for a few months. As for moving in with dad and son... this is the son that your b/f didn''t tell you existed until you''d been dating for 6 months? If that''s the case, I''m assuming they have some problems. But if you two are getting married, I don''t think it''s such a bad thing for the son to get used to you being around right away.

Just make sure you give them LOTS of one-on-one time. E.g., every Saturday afternoon could be designated ''father-son alone time''. And that means indefinitely until the son goes away to college or leaves to take a job on his own.

Do you understand what you''re getting yourself into in terms of suddenly being a parent of a 10 year old? And a STEP-PARENT at that? And of a 10 year old who''s had a troubled time, from the sounds of it? You understand that this is going to be really, really, really, really hard, right? Just be 100% sure you''re ready for the worry, strain, and responsibility. If so, you''re probably in for LOTS of rewards as well. I bet he''s a great kid!

 

[moremoremore]

My own 2 cents....If you guys think that you are at a stage where you can live together, buy a house together, and raise his child together, I question why you aren''t engaged at this point? Just something for you to think about....

 

[Aloros]

It IS a lot to deal with at once – at the same time I am certain I can deal with it. Bfs son and I have spent a lot of time together lately and we have a good relationship. I understand that right now I’m sort of more like a buddy to him (albeit a buddy that tells him what to do!), and things may change when we all move in together, but so far, so good. I know it’s going to take some serious work, but I’m up for it. When we had him for three weeks, the first couple of weeks were rough, but by the end of week three, the improvement was amazing! He’d gone from Cs and Ds to As and Bs, and was actually enjoying it. But now that we’re gone, his grades are down the crapper again and he’s acting out. I can’t really blame him, judging by the amount of instability in his life. He’s a sweet kid, and I really want to do right by him. I think what he really needs is to be in one place for a while, to have two people in a stable relationship parenting him in a consistent manner, and to have some sort of established routine on weekdays.

I’ve been careful to give him and my bf some one-on-one time, and I’ll try to keep on doing so. Besides, they like to go outside and do stuff like play-fight with lightsabers – not really for me!

Yes, Independent Gal, this is the son he didn’t tell me about for six months. Thankfully, bf did a complete 180 and has really been stepping up to the plate; otherwise I would have been long gone. He used to spend a lot more time with him, so they’ve built a good relationship, but for reasons that are way too complicated to go into (suffice to say I understand them, although I may not necessarily agree with them), he stopped going to see him as much.

I don’t think I could ever really fully understand what I’m getting into without actually being in the situation, but I have a fair idea. I’ve joined some stepmom support groups in preparation, and have been doing my reading!

Moremoremore, he has already proposed to me (more than once!), but I do want it done “properly” before we make it official and tell everyone. The ring is out getting resized. It’ll be back in a week and I know he has something planned, so I’m not worried about that. If I said the word, we would be officially engaged right now, but I do sort of want that moment, with the ring…

I’ll look into the counseling, and talk it over with bf. I think I may experience some resistance there – bf is an industrial psychologist and he…uh…doesn’t exactly respect the profession. We’ll see how things work out. If things get the least bit shaky, I’ll insist on it. I’ll also see about putting off the house-buying. It might be good to have an adjustment period before we pick up and move into a new place.

I know my parents will come around eventually once they see that I’m happy, but it will be tough to not have them stand by my decision in the meanwhile.

Thanks SO MUCH for your advice. It’s given me a little more to think about and some new things to discuss.

 

[Sha]

I think you''ve gotten some good advice so far. Just curious, though.. why would your parents be disappointed at your engagement? Is it because of his son?

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 10/15/2007 6:50:27 PM
Author: Sha
I think you''ve gotten some good advice so far. Just curious, though.. why would your parents be disappointed at your engagement? Is it because of his son?

I wonder about this too. Doesn''t he also have another child? If I remember correctly, I think he has said he doesn''t have the capacity to be a good parent. So, say you move in and become "step-mom". What happens if your SO changes his mind and decides he doesn''t want to be a Dad anymore?

 

[swingirl]

I agree 100% with your father.

Your bf''s number one priority in his life is his son. The son already exists. Your aren''t even engaged yet. You should not be in the position to take on a parent/authority role in this child''s life. I cringe whenever I hear about a child having to live with their mother''s boyfriend or father''s girlfriend.

These two need to develop a strong father/son relationship and work out the details of discipline, respect, understanding and love. Your bf will need to devote a lot of time to his son during these confusing times. Moving, changing custodial parents, new school...those things are very stressful on kids.

Once they are comfortable you and your boyfriend should move forward with the engagement, etc. But it is not approprieate for this boy to live in a house with his father''s girlfriend no matter how good of a person and role-model you think you are. He will be teenager soon enough and when pre-marital sex comes up you will have some explaining to do.

And as far as single parenting being tough--you are right, but your bf already is a single parent. How can you let him do it on his own? That''s what being a parent is all about. That is the respoinsibility of being a father.

You haven''t said what your bf wants to do. Maybe you really should let him make the choice.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/15/2007 6:21:51 PM
Author: Aloros
I''ll look into the counseling, and talk it over with bf. I think I may experience some resistance there bf is an industrial psychologist and he doesn''t exactly respect the profession.

That doesn''t sound good. He doesn''t believe in his own profession? Why is he *doing it*??

But that''s not what you''re asking about... Do you ALREADY live together? Or would this be the two of you working out your "living together for the first time" issues AT THE SAME TIME

*he''s adjusting to being a full-time dad
*he''s adjusting to being engaged??
*SON is adjusting to a new home
*SON is adjusting to a new Mom-figure
*SON is adjusting to "fathering"

Take a step back -- you''ll probably realize that this is TOO MUCH at once -- and for what, mostly for financial reasons? Can''t he just get a smaller apartment? Won''t he be saving on child support?

 

[KimberlyH]

Some random thoughts (because this is such a complicated issue I can''t think cohesively, although it all adds up to the same thing):

Your dad''s advice is sage.

Your b/f''s son is the one who will be most affected by any and all changes that are taking place in his life, because he has no say.

He deserves some time alone with his dad to establish a relationship before you are inserted in the picture as another authority figure.

All parenting is tough, but it''s not up to you to come to the rescue of your boyfriend in this situation, it''s his responsibility to step up to the plate and be a dad to his son.

The fact that the focus of your posts is about whether or not you can handle things, that you''re "certain [you] can deal with it", without "any added stress on [you]" is a bit disconcerting. Parenting isn''t about the parent-- biological, adopted, step, quasi-step, whatever -- it''s about what is best for the child.

I think it would be wise to give your b/f and his son some time to develop and redefine their relationship before you move in. And if that means holding off on your lives for a while, buying a house, moving in together, etc. then so be it. I believe when you choose to be with someone who has a child you must do so knowing that that child''s best interests should and do come before your wants and needs.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 10/15/2007 7:35:09 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/15/2007 6:21:51 PM
Author: Aloros
I''ll look into the counseling, and talk it over with bf. I think I may experience some resistance there bf is an industrial psychologist and he doesn''t exactly respect the profession.

That doesn''t sound good. He doesn''t believe in his own profession? Why is he *doing it*??

Yeah, that''s what I thought when I read the above...If your BF is so anti counseling, that to me, doesn''t bode well when the going gets tough...Particularly if HE is a counselor...???

 

[Miranda]

This choice should be made regardless of what''s best for you or your bf, quite frankly. It should be made in the best interests of this child. Now, I know nothing of your relationship with your soon-to-be FI, but, some questions of it''s stability instantly come to mind. How committed are you to each other? How do you handle stress as a couple? Do you fight much? I think these are a few questions you should consider before you take this enourmous step together. The last thing this boy needs is to be attached to another person that suddenly drops out of his life. I really agree with your father. I think your bf and his son need some real bonding time. He''s lucky to have you over there and willing to help out, but, I think they need some guy time together. I agree with everyone else that suggested counseling. Communication is never a bad thing. Good luck.

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree with your Dad. I think if you put yourself in this boys shoes you''d see how wise your Dad''s advice truly is. Your BF needs time alone with his son. Time to get adjusted, time to heal and time to make a life together.
I''m also concerned that your BF is against counseling when that is his chosen profession??

 

[somethingshiny]

Here''s another thought from a friend of mine who was in your shoes. She and the FI decided to take his 3 year old daughter together. Prior to their engagement, the child had been living with her mom. Once my friend''s FI had to really start participating 24/7 with his daughter, he decided he didn''t want to be married because he was working hard enough at being a good dad, let alone a good husband. My friend and he split amicably. They had to taper off time with my friend because the little was very attached to her. I don''t want to suggest that you and your BF/FI will go through this, but if you do, it would be much easier for the child if he isn''t losing another "mom."

The number one priority for the rest of his life should be his son, even if that means you get the short end of the stick for a while.

I hope you all three come to a conclusion that works well.

 

[eks6426]

I am the parent of a 10 year old boy and a step-parent to a 17 year old boy. Speaking from experience, blending a family takes a lot of effort. Things pop up that you never even thought about. For awhile, when we all moved into together it was fine, but then the "honeymoon" period ended. The 3 weeks that you lived with your bf & his son, you weren''t even in the "honeymoon" period. Everyone was on their best behavior. You were in the "dating" phase as a family if you want to think of it that way.

I honestly think your parents are wise. Your bf & his son should set up household together without you. You shouldn''t be there 99% of the time. They need time to develop their relationship. You shouldn''t be spending nights there. Some of my step-son''s friends have had various "boyfriend/girlfriends" move in with their custodial parent and it is never a good mix. Some people will probably blast me for being "old fashioned" on this but I really think you shouldn''t move in with your bf & his son until you are married...not even engaged but actually married. It sends the message to his son that you & bf (then husband) are truly committed to each other and the son will have to respect you both. Until you married, you are only "temporary" in this young boy''s eyes. (Before you blast me too much, I have no issues with people living together before marriage...just not in this case because of the 10 year old boy)

 

[Aloros]

Eeep! Just to clear things up, he is an industrial psychologist. He is not a counselor. I''ll admit the remark I made about him not respecting the profession was rather flippant; if I insisted on it, he would go.

IslandDreams, it''s really nice to hear from someone who has been in this position. His son has expressed a desire to live with the both of us, but who knows? He could change his mind pretty quickly, right? I''ll talk things over with my bf. I do want to set a good example and not move in together until engaged, but I can see your point about marriage. And it''s nice to know about the "honeymoon" period.

I feel like my mother would be the more disappointed one, really. She''s a good mom, but she is very judgmental, and takes time to warm up to a SO. If he''s not a handsome, charming doctor/businessman/insert monetarily successful profession here, she won''t like him at first. He could be the nicest guy in the world and a brilliant artist, and he would still get a frowny face. But she IS warming up to my bf, slowly.

I doubt my bf would decide he no longer wants to be a dad anymore. He said those things when he was at a very low point in his life. He does worry A LOT about being a good dad, and not being the sort of dad his dad was. Thanks for bringing that up - I did talk it over with him. We have a strong relationship - neither of us holds anything in if something is bothering us, so it rarely comes down to a fight. We never go to bed angry, we don''t yell, and we don''t call one another names. We''re on the same team - working toward the same goals.

I''ll continue to discuss these things with my bf. I''ll talk with his son over the phone tonight too and feel him out a little. Bf will talk to him too - he might speak more freely with him.

We can''t move into separate places in the neighborhood we like; it''s just too expensive there. Bf won''t be saving much on child support. His father (a millionaire) was the caretaker of his son, and he took only $100/month from him in child support. Would it be ok to switch his schools maybe? There are a ton of elementary schools here, and the dividing lines cut off in that tiny little neighborhood. There are no apartments in there, only houses.

I do want to do what is best for his son. I wasn''t intending to focus on whether or not I could handle it - this was just the topic of the original post since my father was concerned for me. I want him to have all the things I had when I was his age - two people that love him and want him around, kids to play with next door, a yard to run around in, a good school to attend, and an opportunity to nurture the things he''s passionate about. I do appreciate all the replies. I want to consider all angles before we make any decisions.

We have a month to figure this out, and we''re researching and talking things over every day and every night in an effort to come to a solution that works best for his son.

Thank you again!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/16/2007 12:18:08 PM
Author: Aloros
I''ll talk with his son over the phone tonight too and feel him out a little. Bf will talk to him too - he might speak more freely with him.

What???? He is TEN YEARS OLD. When people are telling you to put the child''s needs first -- they don''t mean ASK him what he "wants" ... they mean DO what''s best for him.

NEVER NEVER NEVER clue the KID in on adult issues, like affordability of neighborhood? Whether Dad''s g-friend should move in?? WHAT?????

I hope I''m misunderstanding you.

Can I ask WHY you need to live in the same neighborhood they do (for the kid''s school)? If it''s so expensive -- why not move a little further out yourself & give them the space they need to bond as father & son before making an Insto-Family. How could anyone relax & feel secure in that environment -- when you''re not even engaged?

The poor kid ... his mom is in & out of jail ... his dad is too wrapped up in the idea of being a "perfect dad" to just be any kind of dad (to the son OR the other out-of-wedlock kid of his

). All I ever hear from him are excuses & rough times & everything being the other person''s fault. Just wait ''til that other person is YOU.

I re-read your other threads about him and, geez, I really sense some "not-right" stuff going on w/him. Vast instability & irresponsibility & blaming & bailing. Keep in mind -- this guy PICKED those other mothers-of-his-two-kids. As flawed as he now says they are. Picked them, slept with them, procreated & bailed. Oh -- and lied to you for the first six months of your relationship.

How can you "let" him be a single parent? Especially since he''s running off to business trips willy nilly ... and clearly expects you to pinch-hit-parent while he continues to do so. SIMPLE. It''s his job. It''s not your job. You are not a convenient mommy-place-holder he can use to diffuse the responsibility of being a parent. To diffuse the tension of being alone with his son. To help him figure out how to do what he''s so afraid to do. SORRY -- that''s on him!

Yes, we''re all strangers. But your parents AREN''T. Listen to them. Not out of fear of losing their respect & not living up to their standards. But because they are wise and practical and have your best interests at heart.

 

[Aloros]

Yip!! I wasn''t intending to talk to him about neighborhood affordability or all those things he just won''t understand. I wanted to see how he was feeling about all these changes and if he was dealing with them ok.

Bf does accept full responsibility for what he did. I''m not around to make him feel worse about it or to make him feel like a bad person for it. I decided to forgive him, that decision is my own, and so far I have been happy with it. He has never inappropriately blamed me for anything, and I can''t see him starting now. He''s not wrapped up in the idea of being a "perfect dad" but does worry about being a good dad. He has never sought to use me as a "placeholder". He has told me more than once that this shouldn''t be my issue to deal with - I volunteered. To be honest, I''m not here to defend my bf or his actions but to try and determine what is best for his son. I could rant and rave about all the good things he''s done and what has changed, but it doesn''t change the fact that his son, the innocent party, is in a precarious situation.

What''s done is done. We are trying to determine the best course of action NOW, not to change what''s happened. As far as our relationship, I consider it a clean slate, full disclosure.

Yes, my parents have my best interests at heart. I understand that, and I love them for it. They have MY best interests at heart, not my bf''s, and not my bf''s son. Since I am more concerned with my bf''s son, our feelings may be at odds, which is why I came here to seek advice.

Back to the issue at hand. We''re waiting on the ring at this point. It is out getting resized and should be back either this Friday or on Monday.

I''ll keep looking around for places to rent in that neighborhood. Thank you for your advice, decodelighted. If bf and son share a one-bedroom it COULD be doable. I haven''t seen any there yet, but we''ll continue to look and I will discuss this option with the bf. I can stay where I am. We''re used to coming home together, cooking together, etc., but I''m sure we''ll be fine without. I''ll try to talk to a professional as well and see what they would advise, given the situation. I believe counseling is offered for free through my workplace. I think I could manage to do that tonight.

Thank you again!

 

[decodelighted]

Thanks for taking my advice in the spirit it was intended. When someone puts "tough love" in the thread title ... I figure they can take straight talk -- if coming from a place of concern.

Date: 10/16/2007 1:50:17 PM
Author: Aloros
Yes, my parents have my best interests at heart. I understand that, and I love them for it. They have MY best interests at heart, not my bf''s, and not my bf''s son. Since I am more concerned with my bf''s son, our feelings may be at odds, which is why I came here to seek advice.

FWIW, I think your parents DO have your, your BF''s and his son''s best interests at heart. Your dad mentioned specifically that he thought it was a good idea for your BF & his son to bond for six months (not an unreasonably long time) -- to build their relationship before adding another person to the already fragile & new future homestead.

Consulting a professional for an objective perspective is a great idea. Kinda think they''ll echo what your parents have already said. Just my opinion.

 

[eks6426]

It sounds like you are trying to be the FRIEND of the little boy. The problem is you shouldn''t be his "friend" if you are going to be his step-mom? It''s really hard to jump from being a "friend" to establishing yourself as an authority figure. At 10 years old he definitely does not need to be asked what he wants/thinks etc. It will only make him worry more. Sounds like this boy has had enough worry in his life. What he needs are decisive parents who can be stable and loving.

I think it would be ok for you to have him change schools ONCE. If your bf can''t afford an apartment in the current school district he could find one in another one but it should also be the same school district you 2 would buy a house in. Don''t make the kid move twice. It''ll be bad enough to do it once, but I think moving so bf can live with his son (need separate bedrooms or at least son needs a bedroom and bf sleeps in the living room) is more important than changing schools. Don''t get sucked into doing things for the convienence of it.

If bf father is a millionaire and isn''t willing to help his son find a place for himself and his grandson, then you need to really ask yourself why. What does the father know that you don''t?

There are a lot of red flags here and I think you really need to be cautious not only for yourself but for an innocent 10 year old.

 

[Aloros]

Thanks for the advice. I do want to be careful not to fall into that "friend" trap. I sort of feel like a friend who tells him what to do/what not to do at the moment.

I also don''t want him to change schools more than once. I moved around a lot as a kid, and while I was ok with it and made new friends quickly, I would have liked more to stay in one place for longer. I was always a little envious of people who had friends from grade school.

There''s a reason that bf doesn''t want to be the sort of father HIS father was. I have tried to give his dad a chance on my own, to make my own determinations on his character, and I do not like him. He throws money at bf''s son as opposed to time. He''s on wife #5, and wife #5 wants bf''s son out. Maybe he''s older and stuck in his ways, but he loses his temper with bf''s son easily and responds in ways I think are inappropriate. Originally, bf and I were going to settle in together, find a house, purchase it, get married, and take his son in time for the new school year so he wouldn''t have to move mid-year.

Bfs dad called him and told him he has to pick up his son in two weeks. We''ve been able to talk it out to a month so we can have the time to find a suitable place to live.

Working on it...

 

[AGBF]

Hi, Aloros. You wrote:

Date: 10/16/2007 1:50:17 PM
Author: Aloros
I decided to forgive him, that decision is my own, and so far I have been happy with it.

and

What's done is done. We are trying to determine the best course of action NOW, not to change what's happened.

You decided to forgive him, but whatever drove him to make the life choices he made is still within him. It did not disappear. He is who he is. If you can love him as he is, fine. But do not delude yourself that he can change. No one can change without intensive psychoanalysis, and even with that one has to work hard to do so.

What's done is done, but do not forget what he has done! He has a horrible track record in his personal relationships.

Have you considered seeing a therapist on your own to examine your own reasons for being attracted to this man? It is clear that he has not bowled over your family and your description of him does not seem to have led most of the Pricescope community to become enamored of him. That could mean that there is something about him that puts other people (except you) off. I wonder if therapy might uncover some unconscious reason that you are so taken with someone that other people see so differently.

Just a thought.

Deborah

 

[Aloros]

My mother is not enamored of him, though she is warming up to him. The only SO of me and my siblings she liked right away is my brother's on/off gf - who is absolutely gorgeous, was valedictorian, graduated from a prestigous university with honors, same ethnicity as my mom, and she speaks my mother's native language. I don't really know how my father feels. The rest of my friends and family like him.

So...the people who know him in person (barring my mother) like him. He has a number of close friends who think the world of him. And these are friends that I like and respect.

Maybe we are all crazy? Maybe we all need counseling. Maybe my descriptions are simply inadequate or easily misconstrued.

But as I said before, I'm not here to defend my relationship, I'm here to determine the best course of action for his son. I am happy in my relationship for a great number of reasons and I do not wish to derail this thread.

Thank you for your input.

 

[surfgirl]

Aloros, you''ve taken a bit of a beating in this thread, though I can understand why some have said what they have (and I pretty much agree with most of it), and it''s out of deep concern for you...I know you know that though but I just wanted to say it...People are trying to point out things that you may be too close to see, you know what I mean? Anyway, all I wanted to say was I''m glad to hear you''re going to seek counseling to discuss these issues with someone unbiased. I think that''s a great idea and it cant hurt at this point! Good luck...

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Aloros,

I vaguely remember some of your other posts, but I can''t remember why your bf''s son is living with his grandfather...I''ll have to go back and re-read.

However, as as teacher who sees people come and go in some of my students'' lives, I appreciate your taking the time to try to plan the best course of action for your bf''s son and no one else.

I caution you to take the most stable, least life-altering route to help keep a 10-year old on the track of being a kind, loving young man. From the sounds of what you''ve said, his life hasn''t been the best, so it is up to you to try to do what is best for him.

You sound like you have a really good grasp on things, and I really do hope things work out for the best...you must be getting very excited at the prospect of being engaged, so take some time to enjoy that before you take on an instant family. I am sure it will all work itself out in good time.

Hang in there and know we''re all hoping for the best for you!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 10/16/2007 6:26:33 PM
Author: Aloros
as I said before, I''m not here to defend my relationship, I''m here to determine the best course of action for his son. I am happy in my relationship for a great number of reasons and I do not wish to derail this thread.

You have been exceptionally calm and mature in the face of the onslaught, Aloros. I will try to respect your wish not to derail the thread. I do not want to see the thread veering out of control so badly that you no longer have a place where you can discuss your concerns about your your boyfriend''s son. This thread should be a place you can come to to hash that out.

Deborah