Vent over in-law meeting

[aveda6]

Hello, I have been quiet on the forum lately but I''ve been reading up on everyone''s topics. I just wanted to take a moment and vent (I apologize in advance but I really need to share). We were supposed to have dinner at my fiance''s parents house and almost immediately the topic of the wedding came up (as it should). We are planning on having our wedding in February of 2011. My fiance''s father told us today that are being selfish by having a winter wedding as no one will be able to travel to our venue due to the weather in New England. He informed us we were being selfish by not having it in the summer and that he would not only not be paying for the wedding but would not attend the wedding if it was happening in the winter. My fiance has been dreaming of a wedding in the snow since she was a child and there is no good way to meet what she would like in the summer. The conversation then spun downward from there and he told us that he was expecting us to get married in the church that her parent''s belong to. That is not happening either due to religious differences and we told that it would be a disgrace on the family if that were not to happen.

This is not my first wedding but it will be hers and I really need it to be perfect. Although I need his money to make this work I can save up to do this on our own. The issue is that this all puts her mother in the middle and she just wants us to be happy. Her father is being the aXXXXXle about all of this.....

Thank you for letting me vent and listening...I don''t know what to do next but I''d appreciate any insight...

jim

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Hmmm, that''s a tough one.

First, I don''t think you''re being selfish by wanting a winter wedding in New England, but FIL does bring up a good point in that traveling may be dicey during that time. It''s impossible to predict the weather. While a beautiful snowy landscape would be gorgeous for a wedding, what happens if there is a blizzard that week & nobody can travel? Your wedding could be compromised. If people are having to drive or fly, you''ll worry about delays & accidents. Summer or spring certainly lessens the chance of people not attended due to poor weather. Also, it''s still cold & flu season then too. If you''ve got many elderly guests traveling, it may not be the best idea for their health.

Second, you may need to talk about the church situation, if there are religious differences. This can always create strife in a family, but I''m sure a compromise can be reached.

Third, if you can pay for the wedding yourself, do it. It sounds like FIL will be very controlling if he''s footing the bill. I don''t think you can take his money and disregard his wishes, even if they seem unreasonable to you. If you take his money & disrespect his wishes, a damaged relationship could be expected... that''s certainly not a good start to a marriage.

That''s just my opinion, from a practical look. Other may see things differently. It''s always hard when the other side of the family doesn''t see things your way, and I''m not sure if there''s any easy way to get around it and still have your way.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Sorry that there is conflict with the inlaws, that's never fun.

My advice would be to talk to your fiance, and then be supportive in whatever course she decides would make her happy. This is her wedding vision, and her family, and it would probably be best if she was the one to talk it out with her dad. You should be ready to encourage her to do what makes her happy, and support her in her talks with her father, and participate as well if she thinks that would be best. But I would definitely talk to her about how you want to approach her dad, whether she would prefer to do it herself or as a team.

I know personally I would rather talk it out with my dad without my fiance directly involved in the talking since my dad would be more likely to listen to me than him. And I wouldn't want my dad to blame my fiance for causing strife. But she may be different, so talking about it first between the two of you is never a bad idea.

And try to be patient and remember that most dads are protective of their daughters, and see them as perfect angels, and on some level may not be thrilled that you're taking their little girl away to be a woman. So it might cause them to be a bit testy about the wedding. But most dads ultimately want their little girls to have their dreams come true on their wedding day, so I'm sure you guys can get him to come around!


Best of luck!

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 9/6/2009 8:38:37 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx
Hmmm, that's a tough one.


First, I don't think you're being selfish by wanting a winter wedding in New England, but FIL does bring up a good point in that traveling may be dicey during that time. It's impossible to predict the weather. While a beautiful snowy landscape would be gorgeous for a wedding, what happens if there is a blizzard that week & nobody can travel? Your wedding could be compromised.

I'd also be hesitant to schedule a wedding around the weather, but for the reverse reason as the PP mentioned. What if there is not a single snowflake in sight, but your bride is dreaming of a winter wonderland wedding? My husband is from New England and I have flown to visit his parents a few times in November, December, and February of different years, and there was no snow to be found on any of those visits!

Other than that, I don't think I would say it's "selfish", and the church thing is very important, and if your future wife doesn't want it, then that's pretty much it. I know I did not get married in a church because of my religious beliefs (or lack thereof), and I would have been horrified to have such a special day ruined if I had to compromise those beliefs. I'd say that's pretty much non-negotiable. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

 

[honey22]

I am going to give it to you straight!

It''s time to man up! Save up the money for yourself and give your darling fiance the wedding of her dreams. Don''t give into this manipulation from her parents, they will get over it, and I am sure they won''t miss their daughters wedding just because she isn''t having the wedding they hoped for.

And you know what, if they do, it''s probably better off for your fiance. On your wedding day, you should be surrounded by people that care about you and respect you!

As you said, you want to make this special for her, don''t start off your marriage my making the statement that her parents selfish wishes are more important than hers.

Good luck!

 

[swingirl]

Since you can never predict the weather having a wedding in February does not guarantee snow and a white wedding. A young girl''s fantasy should be revived once she becomes an adult with some practical experience. A February wedding could be cold, rainy, icey with no snow. It could affect your out-of-town guests with travel delays (it always seems to snow in Denver and Chicago). I can understand you FIL''s disappointment with your wedding plans as it makes it difficult for just about everyone.

However, I think the real problem is the religious issue and the church. Your FI must have told her parents from the time you were dating about the religious differences. I get the feeling she is from a conservative culture/religion. If you both want to stay in favor with her family and traditions I''d find some way to modify your plans. It is really important to have a good relationship with the parents and in-laws.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Ooh! That is a toughie!!

As i have never been in snow i can''t really comment on the hazards and dangers or a winter wedding and travelling but what concerns me more is the influence her parents will have over your decision making / happiness when it comes to your wedding.

How does your FI feel about all of this? Does she still want to go through with the winter wedding regardless of whether or not her parents will be there or is she likely to fold to her fathers demands and have a church wedding in the summer?

I think where she stands on this is where you should take your cue from, either go ahead and save your money for the winter wedding or find a compromise that everyone will be happy with.

Good luck!!

 

[noelwr]

I have to be harsh too. i agree with honey22.

if you want the wedding your way, then you should pay for it. whoever is controlling the money, is controlling the wedding. so if you don''t have it, either go along with her parents'' wishes or postpone the wedding til you''ve saved up.

 

[cocolaw]

Date: 9/6/2009 8:38:37 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx
Hmmm, that''s a tough one.


First, I don''t think you''re being selfish by wanting a winter wedding in New England, but FIL does bring up a good point in that traveling may be dicey during that time. It''s impossible to predict the weather. While a beautiful snowy landscape would be gorgeous for a wedding, what happens if there is a blizzard that week & nobody can travel? Your wedding could be compromised. If people are having to drive or fly, you''ll worry about delays & accidents. Summer or spring certainly lessens the chance of people not attended due to poor weather. Also, it''s still cold & flu season then too. If you''ve got many elderly guests traveling, it may not be the best idea for their health.


Second, you may need to talk about the church situation, if there are religious differences. This can always create strife in a family, but I''m sure a compromise can be reached.


Third, if you can pay for the wedding yourself, do it. It sounds like FIL will be very controlling if he''s footing the bill. I don''t think you can take his money and disregard his wishes, even if they seem unreasonable to you. If you take his money & disrespect his wishes, a damaged relationship could be expected... that''s certainly not a good start to a marriage.


That''s just my opinion, from a practical look. Other may see things differently. It''s always hard when the other side of the family doesn''t see things your way, and I''m not sure if there''s any easy way to get around it and still have your way.

Ditto!! Also, how long ago did you get engaged? When did you have this family meeting? I think when you announce your engagement, everyone around you has an idea of how they want to see you get married. In the beginning it can be difficult when they start to see that you are not doing it their way....but later on many issues resolve themselves and family members become more accepting of your ideas (my experience). But it is your wedding....this should be all about you and your wife. If you want a winter wedding, then do it. Your ffil is being such a baby by saying that he would not attend his daughter''s wedding just because it is in the winter.

 

[Maisie]

Here is another way to look at this. Could you see your way clear to making this the last thing that you and your fiance do for her family before you make your own lives together? I know its not what your FI wants to do but if it will make her dad happy would it be so bad? I think you might regret standing up to them. In the long term it may cause more problems within the family.

Having the wedding at a time of year which is easier for everyone isn''t such a bad idea. I think your FI would be sad if only half the guests managed to get to her wedding. She may always regret having the winter wedding that lots of relatives were unable to attend.

Weddings are about family and celebrating. You can do that if you are snowed in.

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/7/2009 8:32:21 AM
Author: noelwr
I have to be harsh too. i agree with honey22.

if you want the wedding your way, then you should pay for it. whoever is controlling the money, is controlling the wedding. so if you don''t have it, either go along with her parents'' wishes or postpone the wedding til you''ve saved up.

Thritto. If he is paying for the wedding, that makes him the host, and it sounds like this money will come with a lot of strings attached.

If you want the wedding your way, you will have to pay for it with your money.

Good luck. I imagine that some rational conversations with your fiancee and her father are all you need to move forward.

 

[purrfectpear]

As others have mentioned Jim, you guys are adults now and should really be footing the bill for your own wedding.

Her dad is clearly having an issue with the fact that this is your second wedding. If there is any way you can resolve the religious issues to get married in her church I think that would go a long, long, way towards helping him get over it. If not, then you''ll just have to deal.

As far as saving for the wedding, just remember dreams or not, it''s only one day and the commitment is the important thing, not the wedding. Don''t get caught up in the hype of thinking you guys need to spend thousands for a "dream". The best thing may be to simply have a lovely quiet ceremony with family and closest friends.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/7/2009 3:14:20 PM
Author: purrfectpear
As others have mentioned Jim, you guys are adults now and should really be footing the bill for your own wedding.

Her dad is clearly having an issue with the fact that this is your second wedding. If there is any way you can resolve the religious issues to get married in her church I think that would go a long, long, way towards helping him get over it. If not, then you''ll just have to deal.

As far as saving for the wedding, just remember dreams or not, it''s only one day and the commitment is the important thing, not the wedding. Don''t get caught up in the hype of thinking you guys need to spend thousands for a ''dream''. The best thing may be to simply have a lovely quiet ceremony with family and closest friends.

Just a big ol'' +1.

Weddings are amazing and wonderful not because of weather and location and colors and such, but because two people are commiting to forever surrounded by those that love and care for them. The rest of the stuff is icing on the cake.

 

[cara]

The father is being a manipulative tool by threatening not to *attend* the wedding if it is held in the winter. However, he may be doing you a slight favor in other areas.

- It is his right not to contribute money if you don''t host the event according to his terms, even if those terms are petty or impossible. Consider this your warning about accepting his money - he will put strings on it.

- It is important to think about your guests when hosting a wedding, and winter travel in snowy icy conditions can be difficult. You *should* consider your guests in choosing the time of year and location, but depending on exactly where in NE you want to have the wedding, where your guests are coming from and where they would stay, and how comfortable and mobile they are in winter weather, this will affect whether on not it is "selfish" or realistic to have a winter wedding. And keep in mind that weather is fickle, as others have pointed out. You could probably guarantee snow if you got married on a ski resort mountaintop, but if you want frail grandpa to attend, this location is not a good plan, KWIM? Compromises will have to be made, to get some elements of the winter wedding and accessability for all guests. If you are paying, you can decide what compromises you want to make, just remembering that guests are allowed to decide not to attend and convenience/accessability will be an issue for some guests.

- religious differences may be a biggie. what''s your FI''s take on this? does she want to get married in her parent''s church? does it matter to her? even if she is not religious, does she want to please her parents in this regard or is she also against getting married in their church for herself? how strong are your religious objections to getting married in her church/how big are the hurdles you would have to jump through?

frankly, it sounds like the FFIL is a bully who is both not pleased with your engagement and wedding plans and is trying to dictate terms here. step number one is to not count on him for any money thereby taking him out of the paternal role, as if he contributes money he can continue treating you both like dependent children. step two is to figure which objections are bombastic threats and which are serious obstacles. step three is to figure out where your FI is on her father''s behavior, and work out jointly which of his objections merit accommodation and which ones you will jointly stand up to.

i get that you want to give your bride her "dream wedding" but dream weddings are for little girls and are not guaranteed for adults. it is time for you both to be adults - save for the wedding you can afford, decide jointly which elements of her girlhood "dream wedding" you can implement in your adult dream wedding, maybe address some of her family''s objections (and maybe not) because you are adults dealing with real limitations, and finally realize that if you are marrying the right person it *is* a dream wedding, even if its nothing like what you thought it would be when you were younger and imagining knights on white horses.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 9/7/2009 4:15:42 PM
Author: cara
The father is being a manipulative tool by threatening not to *attend* the wedding if it is held in the winter. However, he may be doing you a slight favor in other areas.


- It is his right not to contribute money if you don''t host the event according to his terms, even if those terms are petty or impossible. Consider this your warning about accepting his money - he will put strings on it.


- It is important to think about your guests when hosting a wedding, and winter travel in snowy icy conditions can be difficult. You *should* consider your guests in choosing the time of year and location, but depending on exactly where in NE you want to have the wedding, where your guests are coming from and where they would stay, and how comfortable and mobile they are in winter weather, this will affect whether on not it is ''selfish'' or realistic to have a winter wedding. And keep in mind that weather is fickle, as others have pointed out. You could probably guarantee snow if you got married on a ski resort mountaintop, but if you want frail grandpa to attend, this location is not a good plan, KWIM? Compromises will have to be made, to get some elements of the winter wedding and accessability for all guests. If you are paying, you can decide what compromises you want to make, just remembering that guests are allowed to decide not to attend and convenience/accessability will be an issue for some guests.


- religious differences may be a biggie. what''s your FI''s take on this? does she want to get married in her parent''s church? does it matter to her? even if she is not religious, does she want to please her parents in this regard or is she also against getting married in their church for herself? how strong are your religious objections to getting married in her church/how big are the hurdles you would have to jump through?


frankly, it sounds like the FFIL is a bully who is both not pleased with your engagement and wedding plans and is trying to dictate terms here. step number one is to not count on him for any money thereby taking him out of the paternal role, as if he contributes money he can continue treating you both like dependent children. step two is to figure which objections are bombastic threats and which are serious obstacles. step three is to figure out where your FI is on her father''s behavior, and work out jointly which of his objections merit accommodation and which ones you will jointly stand up to.


i get that you want to give your bride her ''dream wedding'' but dream weddings are for little girls and are not guaranteed for adults. it is time for you both to be adults - save for the wedding you can afford, decide jointly which elements of her girlhood ''dream wedding'' you can implement in your adult dream wedding, maybe address some of her family''s objections (and maybe not) because you are adults dealing with real limitations, and finally realize that if you are marrying the right person it *is* a dream wedding, even if its nothing like what you thought it would be when you were younger and imagining knights on white horses.

Ditto every word.

Your fiance is an adult who presumably understands life is about compromises. You don''t "need" to make the wedding perfect for her. I would have whatever wedding you can afford on your own. It will be beautiful and special because it marks the start of your marriage - not because of the snow, or backdrop, or venue.

That said, you do have my sympathy for having an overbearing control freak of a FFIL.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/7/2009 4:31:43 PM
Author: LilyKat

Your fiance is an adult who presumably understands life is about compromises. You don''t ''need'' to make the wedding perfect for her. I would have whatever wedding you can afford on your own. It will be beautiful and special because it marks the start of your marriage - not because of the snow, or backdrop, or venue.

That said, you do have my sympathy for having an overbearing control freak of a FFIL.

I agree. You could compromise on the ''winter wedding'' idea - I''m from London (which has similar winter weather to New England) and February is NO FUN - it''s cold, rainy and miserable

. I think the main sticking point is the ceremony itself in their church. I would NOT compromise on that. I''m a Christian and would never for example get married on a mosque to please ANYONE unless I was actually converting to that religion

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 9/7/2009 2:19:19 AM
Author: honey22
I am going to give it to you straight!


It's time to man up! Save up the money for yourself and give your darling fiance the wedding of her dreams. Don't give into this manipulation from her parents, they will get over it, and I am sure they won't miss their daughters wedding just because she isn't having the wedding they hoped for.


And you know what, if they do, it's probably better off for your fiance. On your wedding day, you should be surrounded by people that care about you and respect you!


As you said, you want to make this special for her, don't start off your marriage my making the statement that her parents selfish wishes are more important than hers.


Good luck!

I agree 100% her parents got their day and this is hers. Altho her dad does bring up some very good and legitimate concerns and they should be brought to her attention, she deserves the day she has been dreaming of since she was little.

 

[onvacation]

I''m sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation. Others have given great advice, so I''ll just add in my 2 cents: How about a wedding when it''s warmer and safer for travel, followed by a honeymoon to a place where you''ll be guaranteed snow? If you book a photo shoot for one day of the honeymoon, I imagine the photos will look fabulous, and your fiancee will get the fairy-tale picture album to treasure forever.