Vent - My mother''s lame excuses

[LitigatorChick]

I am so annoyed!!! I live about 7 hours drive away from my parents. They were supposed to come for a visit this weekend - they haven''t seen me or my 22 month old son since Christmas when we went there. But now they have cancelled, saying it is going to snow this weekend (we live in Canada, what''s the big deal!) and my mom has a cold so she says she doesn''t want to get Miller sick. But the real reason is my sister and her baby.

My sister lives about 10 minutes away from my mom - the two of them have never cut the cord, so to speak. My sister had a baby in August of 2007, and since then, my parents have not been out to visit me and my son. Every time they plan a visit, there is an excuse, but the reality is that my mom figures my sister needs her around.

Like this time - mom says it is going to snow (crap excuse) and she has a cold (legit - except that she says in the same breath that she was at my sister''s last night with the baby!!!). And then dad mentions last night that my sister isn''t feeling well - I knew last night I would get this crap today and lo and behold, mom phones this morning with the snow/cold excuse.

I am just really annoyed by all of this. I accept that I live far away, so my son doesn''t get to see his grandparents all the time. But this is getting ridiculous. I have confronted my mom, and she denies that my sister is the issue and that it is all these other "excuses".

Okay, I am done venting. Any sage words of advise? Am I over-reacting? Be honest - I can take it!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Wellllllll, it is going to snow and honestly, I wouldn''t want to travel in the weather. We have changed our plans to travel North to family for this very reason.

I have three sisters--and my Mom has helped my youngest sister with her kids the most of all of us. She has more time now she is retired and I think feels a bit gulty b/c she wasn''t terribly involved in her other Grandkid''s lives. MOreover if we didn''t travel to Edmonton to see my family, no one would have ever seen my son or us for tht matter. It just seems to be the way it is. I may not like it, but accept it.

Does you Mom wish to avoid you judgement about her additional involvement with your other sister, and therefore stays away? Woiuld she rather avoid a confrontation and the associated guilt?

I know you are upset and I am sorry. Would you like to come over for some champagne?

cheers--Sharon

 

[LitigatorChick]

You really think the snow is going to be that bad, Canuk??? They had planned to leave this morning at 8:00 from Saskatchewan - as a Saskie, I don''t let a little snow bother me.

"Confrontation" really isn''t the right word - I have previously said to her on one occassion that I feel the reason she doesn''t come is my sister. I don''t think mom feels like she is avoiding any confrontation - we always have a great time when they do come (which was quite a lot in the first year of my son''s life).

The whole issue with my sister has always been an issue between mom and I, but it has really heightened with my sister having a baby. And my sister totally feeds into it - she likely knew mom and dad were coming and played this up.

Champagne sounds good, although with the snow, I am thinking a little baileys and coffee.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Any chance you could drive out there with your family and visit them instead? That way you could see all your family.

cheers--Sharon

 

[LitigatorChick]

It is just such a hassle for us to take Miller for 7 hours in a car. Also, I have been at Christmas, we are going again in August for my other sister''s wedding - it is their turn.

 

[Independent Gal]

My mother has come to visit me exactly 5 times in the last 14 years. I''m always the one to go see her. I guess in that way I''m like Canuck. I just accept that that''s the way it is, and that if I want to see her, it has to be me that travels.

Whadayagonnado?

That said, I totally understand why you''re annoyed. I mean, canceling once is understandable. If I had a bad cold, I wouldn''t want to spend 7 hours in the car in the snow either. But if she is canceling over and over, I would begin to suspect something more was at work.

Is there, as Canuck suggests, a dynamic your mom might be trying to avoid?

 

[luckystar112]

I have lived in Houston for seven years and my mother has visited me ONCE.
Although right now I have to say I prefer it that way.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Mom and I get along fine, and there is no real "confrontation" or difficulty. This morning when she cancelled 1 hour before they were set to leave, I just said "fine" (and then I posted here to vent!).

I think it is has a lot to do with my sister. She really plays a lot of this stuff up. She has lupus, and that really sucks, but she is on medication that entirely manages her symptoms. Whenever she wants help, she plays up "poor me". My mom is probably at her house or has my sister at her house EVERY DAY!!

I don''t play "poor me". I have a busy practice, a young son, and tonnes of crap going on (including my own medical issues). But I deal with it on my own and don''t run to my mom. I am sure that if I whined and complained enough, she would help, but I figure that I am adult with my own family. My sister on the other hand, likes the attention.

It just annoys me that mom buys into this crap. I don''t care that she spends every day with my sister, but can''t she take a couple days out to see my son???

Okay, the snow is really coming down - maybe her "excuse" is legit.

 

[ringster]

this may or not be the case but maybe your mom feels more comfortable at your sister''s because she feels like she is "useful/needed". i kind of feel that i have the same situation as yours in certain ways - i think my mom always needs to feel that she is needed in her way by those around her but i am very independent and i think she sometimes doesn''t know how to "be" with me when i don''t need anything but for her to be around and for us to just enjoy our time together.

you sound like you are someone who totally has their act together so maybe your mom doesn''t feel like she is needed by you. i mean we all know that we need our moms and it is just their issue but we have to somehow figure out how to work around it. i still don''t know the answer but have become more aware of the dynamic.

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry you feel like your family is giving themselves lame excuses not to come see you. FI has family about 7 hours away too, and I hate going. We go about once a year, sometimes less (I wish his parents were there too, actually...

). Some of us just don''t like long drives!

You''re having snow?! It''s 20-something degrees with a bright and warm sun here in Qc!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m sorry!

My parents are pretty similar - in 8 years of living in Italy, they visited twice (it''s only a 2hr flight and not expensive). I''ve been living in London for nearly 4 years now and they''ve been here once 3 years ago. We''re only an hour''s drive away and yet they visit my sister at least 6 times a year for a couple of days at a time!

On the other hand, I have friends whose parents go all silent and pissed off if they don''t visit every other week or at least once a month. I''d prefer to be in my situation!

I know once we have kids, FFIL is going to go crazy that we will only go there 2 or 3 times a year, but FI doesn''t ''do'' relatives, so I think it will fall on deaf ears! (No way is FFIL''s wife coming near our children

)

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 4/18/2008 12:32:42 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Okay, the snow is really coming down - maybe her ''excuse'' is legit.

HI:

You mean her "reason", because an excuse implies she would be trying to get out of something she really did not want to do, and I am sure this is not the case. It is a total white out for snowy weather, are you sure you don''t want some champagne? (it is tasty...)

cheers--Sharon

 

[decodelighted]

I have a hunch that you''re gonna change your expectations about your parents, LitChick. What''s going on is really going on ... its easier to see your other sister etc. Things are probably never going to be "fair" -- no matter how much of a stink you put up each time they cancel. Geez .. my own mom is 100% guilty of this stuff -- which is why I always have a backup plan if she commits to "help us" with something. Whether she actually makes it into the car & shows is .. um 30% chance at best???? In her case, same thing -- has to stay home with my brother, is sick, bad weather, not feeling up to it, forgot to do laundry in time blah freakin blah.

The deal for me is ... I accept the relationship for what it is. I know by now that I can''t change her I can only change how I *react* (and what I expect, so I manage disappointment).

So not fair. But: it is what it is.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/18/2008 6:26:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
I have a hunch that you're gonna change your expectations about your parents, LitChick. What's going on is really going on ... its easier to see your other sister etc. Things are probably never going to be 'fair' -- no matter how much of a stink you put up each time they cancel. Geez .. my own mom is 100% guilty of this stuff -- which is why I always have a backup plan if she commits to 'help us' with something. Whether she actually makes it into the car & shows is .. um 30% chance at best???? In her case, same thing -- has to stay home with my brother, is sick, bad weather, not feeling up to it, forgot to do laundry in time blah freakin blah.

The deal for me is ... I accept the relationship for what it is. I know by now that I can't change her I can only change how I *react* (and what I expect, so I manage disappointment).

So not fair. But: it is what it is.

I have a similar situation as you but I feel exactly as Deco in the highlighted area because that is all you can do plus if you don't change how you react you will drive yourself nuts and it so is not worth it.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 4/18/2008 6:33:37 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 4/18/2008 6:26:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
I have a hunch that you''re gonna change your expectations about your parents, LitChick. What''s going on is really going on ... its easier to see your other sister etc. Things are probably never going to be ''fair'' -- no matter how much of a stink you put up each time they cancel. Geez .. my own mom is 100% guilty of this stuff -- which is why I always have a backup plan if she commits to ''help us'' with something. Whether she actually makes it into the car & shows is .. um 30% chance at best???? In her case, same thing -- has to stay home with my brother, is sick, bad weather, not feeling up to it, forgot to do laundry in time blah freakin blah.

The deal for me is ... I accept the relationship for what it is. I know by now that I can''t change her I can only change how I *react* (and what I expect, so I manage disappointment).

So not fair. But: it is what it is.

I have a similar situation as you but I feel exactly as Deco in the highlighted area because that is all you can do plus if you don''t change how you react you will drive yourself nuts and it so is not worth it.

Ditto Deco''s highlighted area and what Skippy said.

My mom doesn''t make much of an effort to see us very often either. She/they (my issue applies to my mom and dad) comes to the requisite bday parties and holidays and stay about 2 - 3 hours. She doesn''t visit my sister any more frequently, so ours is not a ''favorites'' scenario. We speak on the phone weekly, get along great, but, it is still frustrating that she doesn''t want much more than that. It mostly bothers me because my kids are really the ones missing out. We''re about an hour away from them so it''s not that big of a trip. At least my DH''s parents are involved so it''s not like my kids don''t have any grandparents. I know that would be a horror show for you Lit Chick!

I know part of my mom''s issue is that we moved a few years ago. We used to live closer and she made a liiiiitle more of an effort when we were close, but, since we moved she suddenly developed a fear of driving. I don''t mean to poke fun at anyone with a real phobia. Mom''s was just a little too convenient. I frankly don''t buy it. The truth is that she''d rather be at home. Her life is very full without us. Could it be that that''s the way your mom feels? Maybe she''d just rather stay at home where she''s most comfortable. Just a thought.

 

[lyra]

I had a similar family dynamic when my mom was alive. Here is what I think is happening to you. Maybe your mother sees you as her most successful child. You are healthy, your child is healthy, you have a wonderful husband, great job and nice home. Clearly you can and have looked after yourself well, and always will. Your sister is not healthy, is probably far less successful, etc. Maybe she even hams it up a bit to your mother about how much *SHE* needs her and her help. This gives your mom a full time job really, a vocation even. She puts you on hold because you can look after yourself, and there will be time for you later. Well, it''s still very hurtful though, isn''t it? I think when the time is right, you should have a heart to heart talk with your mom. Tell her you understand her committments (including your sister, otherwise you will end up in a confrontation), but that you really want to spend some alone time with her and then schedule it in. Can you pay for her to fly out to see you, to make things easier on her? Maybe pick a time of the year that isn''t a holiday or wedding time, where she really would have no excuse not to visit. Maybe not even this year if it''s too much for her, but schedule it a long time in advance and let her know how important it is to you. I really don''t think she''s trying to hurt you on purpose, or even necessarily realizes that she is hurting you. JMO of course.

 

[somethingshiny]

LC~

I don''t have any advice or reasonings for you, but I wanted to say I get it. My mom is the same way. My sis''s little one is 15 months and they live about 15 minutes from my folks. My nephew spends the night with grandma, grandma babysits at her house or at my sis''s house several times a month. My mom has been to my house all of 8 times and I''ve lived here for 3 years. My mom has watched my son twice, each time for about 30 minutes. My son is 2 so he doesn''t get it yet, but I''m afraid he''s going to feel like he''s not good enough some day. The real sh1t of it is this: I live 35 minutes from my mother.

So, with all the reasonings in the world, it''s hard not to be irritated not only for the way it makes you as an adult feel, but also for the way you''re afraid your son will feel.

Hang in there, I don''t know what we''re gonna do, but still hang in there.

 

[butterfly 17]

I totally get what you mean.

My mom and dad don't even live that far away from me, maybe about an hours drive and my SIL and brother live about 10 minutes away from them.
They never come to visit us, even though they are at Atlantic City every other weekend and they have to bypass my area in order to get to NJ.

I feel sometimes jealous at times because I feel that my brother and his new wife have it made, whereas I have to pay someone to baby sit if I need someone, they are easily within reach and since my mom and dad are retired, they have nothing else to do and basically never say no.

My SIL even adjusted her schedule (she has a newborn) and made it so that my mom would babysit once or twice a week, her mother (who lives in their house) can babysit once a week, and the other days she works are weekends, so my brother is home.

It bugs me too since when they are off, they still take the kids to my mom's house so they can have a free weekend.

And my mom and dad don't just baby sit my nephew (my brother's kid), but her son from her other marriage as well.

For example, I called my mom and told her I was really stressed out and had to work Friday night and my husband would not be home until 11pm, so she agreed to take my older daughter on Friday and let her sleep over. Of course I still had my 2 1/2 year old here with me because I felt it would just be a handful with the two of them together.

This is only about the 4th time that my daughter has ever been with her grandparents the whole day, and she is almost 8 now.

So, I went to work last night and I call her today to see how my daughter is doing and it turns out that not only does she have my daughter, but she also has my brother's and SIL's kids, all three of them including the baby, because they figured that since Kayla is there, why not bring their kids as well.

I guess it wouldn't be bad, but they are there every week and this is the first time my daughter has been with them since December and even then I feel guilty that I have to leave her there the whole day.

Or the other day, I called my SIL and she told me she was out with her friends. I asked her who was watching the kids, and she told me my mom was at her house with all three of them. At the time, the baby was only a week and a half old and I just thought it odd that she was out drinking with her GFs with the baby being so young.



I think the worst of it all is that when I found out about my suprise pregnancy, I called my SIL with the news and she told me that my brother thought I should have waited to get pregnant, because it wasn't going to be fair that their new baby would not get the attention it need from my mom and dad, since they would be so close in age. He said I should have waited another 5 years so that way each grandchild could be appreciated.

I was like, WTF? Your kids are with mom and dad every single week and my kids see them every three months, if that much and now you are worried that I my new baby will take attention away from yours. I couldn't deal with it.

I told my DH we need to move far away.

 

[butterfly 17]

I had to add that although it does bother me, I have just learned to deal with it. I figure that if I put too much thought into it, I will eventually become so sour about it.

I realize that my brother feels that his needs are more important than ours and maybe they are, who knows.

I also think alot of it has to do with money. I don't make a lot of money, nor does my husband, but we do make more than my brother and his wife and I think that my parents think we are capable of paying someone, where as my brother can't.

Another thing is that I have a flexible schedule and work nights, so I actually don't use a baby sitter that much, the last time I needed someone was 2 months ago for 3 hours. In the daytime I am home with both kids usually.

My brother and SIL both work days and don't get home until 7pm or so, so they definitely need someone to help them out.

I guess as far as needs go, by brother needs them more, but I just feel bad that my kids never see their grandparents unless we make that effort to drive over to see them.

Anyway, enough of my venting!!!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 4/18/2008 6:25:34 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 4/18/2008 12:32:42 PM

Author: LitigatorChick

Okay, the snow is really coming down - maybe her ''excuse'' is legit.

HI:


You mean her ''reason'', because an excuse implies she would be trying to get out of something she really did not want to do, and I am sure this is not the case. It is a total white out for snowy weather, are you sure you don''t want some champagne? (it is tasty...)

cheers--Sharon

Thanks everyone and especially Sharon - you hit the nail on the head. I was completely venting, and luckily, my reaction to mom was quite neutral (disappointed, but okay with them coming later). And actually, they have confirmed now that they will come next weekend. And the weather is really crappy here. Long and the short of it, I was coming at this issue with my own bias, and once I vented and got all the response here, I realized it was a "reason" and not an excuse.

Now champagne - any left? I brought a couple bottles home from the office on Friday.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 4/19/2008 10:51:16 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 4/18/2008 6:25:34 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 4/18/2008 12:32:42 PM

Author: LitigatorChick

Okay, the snow is really coming down - maybe her ''excuse'' is legit.

HI:


You mean her ''reason'', because an excuse implies she would be trying to get out of something she really did not want to do, and I am sure this is not the case. It is a total white out for snowy weather, are you sure you don''t want some champagne? (it is tasty...)

cheers--Sharon

Thanks everyone and especially Sharon - you hit the nail on the head. I was completely venting, and luckily, my reaction to mom was quite neutral (disappointed, but okay with them coming later). And actually, they have confirmed now that they will come next weekend. And the weather is really crappy here. Long and the short of it, I was coming at this issue with my own bias, and once I vented and got all the response here, I realized it was a ''reason'' and not an excuse.

Now champagne - any left? I brought a couple bottles home from the office on Friday.

HI:

It''s all good! Now champagne from your office????--I NEED me one of your kind of job......

cheers--Sharon

 

[diamondfan]

I live a 5 hour flight from my mom and she is 81. I have the only grandkids. Sometimes she gets weird about coming at certain times, or she is feeling a bit tired she is worried to come out and be a burden since I am so busy. I have never made her feel that, and accomodate her happily, I run around and do stuff but let her rest if she needs to...she is scared of snow and ice as an older person from So. California...some of her stuff is HER issue, not mine, and not ever anything I have said to her.

I get hurt if a lot of time goes by and she is not here to see the kids. I cannot easily take three kids and go see her, it is a huge complication and involves a lot of planning as my older kids have gotten very involved in sports and school stuff. Summers they are in sleep away camp. Holidays are the only time my husband gets concentrated time with the kids, so going to LA where his family is too is hard. I have told my mom that, since I hate my mother in law, a trip to LA means having to see her too. I also have fibromylagia/chronic fatigue/nerve damage issues, spine pain and migraines, so it is not always easy for me to deal with travel.

I am glad they are coming out soon, and it is good to have a place to vent and air your feelings out, so you do not say something in haste or hurt that you regret later.

I think we have to accept them and not take it personally, though it is hard not to. I know I cannot make my mom feel or think things, but I can try to have perspective about stuff. I know she loves me and my kids, and things are not always perfect.

My step sister has lupus and she is terribly ill. I am not sure about your sister and I hope she is not as sick as my step sis, it is truly awful when it is advanced. I am sure she might be able to make your mom feel she needs her more, and since the distance is so close, it makes sense. But it stinks to feel, especially for your child, that you all are missing out.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 4/19/2008 11:06:09 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 4/19/2008 10:51:16 PM

Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 4/18/2008 6:25:34 PM

Author: canuk-gal

Date: 4/18/2008 12:32:42 PM


Author: LitigatorChick


Okay, the snow is really coming down - maybe her ''excuse'' is legit.

HI:



You mean her ''reason'', because an excuse implies she would be trying to get out of something she really did not want to do, and I am sure this is not the case. It is a total white out for snowy weather, are you sure you don''t want some champagne? (it is tasty...)

cheers--Sharon

Thanks everyone and especially Sharon - you hit the nail on the head. I was completely venting, and luckily, my reaction to mom was quite neutral (disappointed, but okay with them coming later). And actually, they have confirmed now that they will come next weekend. And the weather is really crappy here. Long and the short of it, I was coming at this issue with my own bias, and once I vented and got all the response here, I realized it was a ''reason'' and not an excuse.


Now champagne - any left? I brought a couple bottles home from the office on Friday.

HI:


It''s all good! Now champagne from your office????--I NEED me one of your kind of job......

cheers--Sharon

I constantly have a supply of wine, champagne, and other assorted treats in my office. The pile got a little too high, so I had to bring some hope!!! I know, my hubby is always shocked when I tell him about the martini afternoon we have in our offices sometimes!!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks for your input, Diamondfan. My sis''s lupus is very managed - I guess the disease comes in various forms, and she is lucky to have a manageable form with drugs.

 

[diamondfan]

She is lucky. My step sis was on methyltrexate, prednisolone, tons of other meds, and has so many bad days and severe symptoms, plus other autoimmune issues such as Sjogrens (sp?) and RA and neuralgia.

And believe me I am not saying that you do not feel for her or your mom should not have compassion for her. Just that if she is really in bad shape I feel for her. My real sis would be the type to manipulate people for her gain.