Vent and Advice Requested

[aviastar]

Interpreting a quick post on the internet is always more difficult than when you can hear it out loud in person; so please ignore this is it doesn't apply or fit the situation.

I really like the idea of letting your son choose to continue to play or not. And I think it addresses many of the issues that have been brought up in this thread. By letting him choose, and letting him know that you a) trust his judgement and b) will support his choice, is that not encouraging him to think critically about the situation and learn to navigate these situations on his own? He could quit or stay; you could paint either decision in a positive light- he has learned to stand up for himself/he has learned to tough out sticky situations, or a negative light- he has run away from a problem/he can't stand up for himself.

Why not bring him in on the conversation? If he has strong feelings either way, perhaps he can articulate those to you and it can help you make a more informed choice. You can always frame it as "I hear your concerns, but I am going to ask to you stick it out anyway because of a,b,c. Do you think you can handle that and we'll see how it goes?"

Something I was, and continue to be, incredibly grateful for was my parents' habit of not making decisions about me, but with me. It became very important as I got older, I knew my voice would be heard, fairly, in any given situation- that I was valued and trusted. And if they asked me to do something that I didn't want to, I trusted them, because more often than not, they let me follow my own reasoning, as long as they knew what it was. I made some mistakes and I learned and my parents helped sort those messes out, too. I tell you, it just about stole the rebellion rug right out from under me, dang it.

I do think your son is a bit young to have the whole responsibility of dealing with what has obviously been a confusing and hurtful situation for him, all alone. And I think he is a bit young to go talk to Frank by himself- not because he would be able to speak his mind clearly, but because he might not be prepared for whatever Frank's reaction might be. But have you asked him what he'd like to do and why?

 

[yennyfire]

Will interfering help your son in the long run, Yenny?
It's only 5 weeks, for heaven's sake, not a lifetime. --- Laurie

Laurie, I have always valued and appreciated your posts, so perhaps I was reading into it that I felt you were being a bit harsh. The above comments were what I was reacting to....interfering has such a negative connotation and when my mother says "for heaven's sake", it usually means she finds something ridiculous. My apologies if I was being overly sensitive. I hope that there are no hard feelings?

Aviastar, I appreciate your coming back to post additional thoughts. I really like your suggestion of giving Nate a choice (he hasn't said one way or the other if he wants to continue to play). We have done so in other situations and feel like Nate has made good decisions, given proper guidance (even if it does mean that Mom will be driving at extra 30 minutes to baseball 3x a week! )

I hope that we do half as well with our kids as it sounds like your parents did with you. Heck, any parent who can circumvent the rebellious stage must be doing something right!

DH and I talked this morning (he's out of town, but we connected on the phone) and agreed that we will go to the game Saturday and see how things go. If it doesnt go well, we will sit down with Nate and discuss whether or not he wants to go back, as well as discuss the fact that Frank probably has good intentions but that sometimes, even adults don't handle things well. Either way, we will suggest that we (Nate and I) meet with Frank so that we can explain why this whole thing has upset us, etc.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. PS is such a great place for so many things (in addition to bling). We have such a wise group of folks with a wide array of experience. I always feel like I get good advice here, so thank you!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Yenny,

I just want to put in my 2 cents. Frank is responsible for the program, and since your son's coach was not there, he stepped in without any knowledge of your sons history. Some one thing caught his eye and he based his statements on that.

I think that at the next game, you should should have a brief meeting with the coach and Frank and yourself.(not your son)
In a conversational tone explain that Nate was upset with Franks remarks because Nate is such a good teammate and does not hog the ball. Now you turn to the coach who will verify this, so Frank can understand he was mistaken in his comments. You need the coach there to help. The coach will say that your son plays with consideration for all the team.

All now go away happy, and mom can tell son Frank knows he made a mistake. Please, don't overplay this incident. They all want to help the kids. Let your son keep playing.

Annette