Upset by wedding present =/

[turboflgrl]

Sounds bad just by the title but I promise I'm not complaining about not getting stuff that's "good enough"..lol

Let me give a little background first. DH and I are not religious, we do not attend church, and we do not consider ourselves Christian or otherwise. Without getting into too far with religion, we believe there is a higher power and that's about it. We're comfortable with that. My parent's have never been overly religious though they do consider themselves Christian. DH's Grandmother is probably the most religious person I've met in my entire life... to the point of purposely shoving it down our throats, sending us religious material in the mail, showing up at our residence to attempt to guilt us into coming to church, etc. She finally stopped after we threatened to stop coming around if it continued.

Now his parent's are following the same attack. They were NEVER "religious" before DH's father was diagnosed (and since "cured") from cancer. Suddenly, they pray at every opportune moment in the spotlight.... it truly comes across so contrived and unbelievable. Frankly, I'm embarassed FOR them. That said, this was only a growing minor annoyance until we finally came clean about questioning religion and told them we had decided that organized religion was simply not for us. They seemed to accept it and didn't speak about it again. DH had spoken to them just a few weeks prior to our wedding and what do you think we received as a wedding gift????

ENGRAVED STUDY BIBLES. As in, two "study Bibles" with our names and our wedding date engraved on them. We purposely didn't have a religious ceremony either. To make matters more irritating, DH's mother was planning to present the "gift" to us in front of everyone at our rehearsal dinner.... another way of showing just how religious they are... or want to be perceived as far as I'm concerned. On a lighter note, I was even more put off when I realized that my married name was not correct. They assumed I would get rid of my middle name and replace it with my last name (which I did not) so that makes me even more aware that this was a last minute gift thought up simply because of DH's conversation with them about our beliefs.

Some might be wondering what the big deal is. Frankly, I think it's completely disrespectful and shows just how little they care about or respect us. My family was shocked at their blatant attempt to push this on us. DH has been avoiding them and I feel so badly for him... I'm just so extremely offended that they would completely squash our beliefs and continue to impose theirs on us. I'm at a loss and don't know how to handle the situation. I have to see them and the rest of his family this weekend... haven't seen or heard from them since the wedding (Feb 19)... and I don't even know how I'll respond when they ask what we thought of their gift.

What would you do???

 

[amc80]

I would just be polite and say something like "thank you for the Bibles, we appreciate that you thought of us. It doesn't change the fact that neither of us believe in organized religion, but we really do appreciate the gesture."

ETA: The more I think about it, I think you should say "thank you for the gift" and smile. Keep them on a shelf. A gift is a gift. They aren't forcing you to read it or anything.

 

[turboflgrl]

Thanks amc! I guess what bothers me is having to force out a "I appreciate the thought" because I feel like there was no thought put into it in the first place. Do you think we should have a sit down with them like we did his grandmother and tell them exactly how it made us feel? Of course reasoning with them has never been exactly easy...

 

[amc80]

Thanks amc! I guess what bothers me is having to force out a "I appreciate the thought" because I feel like there was no thought put into it in the first place. Do you think we should have a sit down with them like we did his grandmother and tell them exactly how it made us feel? Of course reasoning with them has never been exactly easy...

I just edited my response, but I'll say it here as well. They aren't forcing you to read the Bibles, and they aren't dragging you to church. Just thank them for the gift and move on. If it becomes a bigger issue then you can say something, but for now, just think of it as a annoyance.

 

[turboflgrl]

Very good point, amc. I really never thought of it that way. I guess if they try to get "updates" on how we're doing with reading them, I'll broach it then.

Thanks for your help... that was a heck of a lot simpler than I thought it would be!

 

[ac719]

I can see where you are coming from... I had a similar situation. I was brought up Catholic and DH is Baptist and his mother bashes me for it every single chance she gets. she tries to make me go to church with her and just talks down to me anytime the topic is brought up. Its extremely offensive. but anyway...... I dont blame you for being upset and ever more so because your name was wrong. I would probably put it in a box in a closet somewhere and leave it at that. I would just try to let it go and not stress over it. Talk to them like you normally would and if the topic is ever brought up I would say I appreciate the thought but i was very offended. explain why and move on.
Sorry you are having to deal with this. Its awful lol

 

[mrswahs]

Yuck. As someone who is decidedly not religious that would not just upset me, but it would offend me.

I'm not sure of the best way to handle this, but know that I feel for you.

My mom's brother has been insanely religious since his wife became born-again (which has lead to many issues with the way their kids have turned out, but that's another topic entirely) and he bought my mom a Bible and sent it to her along with a note that said something along the lines of him wanting to save her soul. My dad and I were both pretty offended by the gesture. The thought was nice, but in our minds it was pretty presumptuous.

That being said... FI's extended family is extremely religious, and they know that we are self-classified as atheists. They do all they can to try to convince us, and while they don't have solid logic (they're of the camp that believes that the earth is flat and dinosaurs were on the ark) their hearts are in the right place. His aunt once told us that she loves us and will pray for us, but she hopes that we find god because if we don't we will go to hell and burn because that's just how things are, and god isn't forgiving.

:-/

Sadly, I have to say that there isn't much to do but not dwell on it. I think amc had the right idea, keeping it succinct and polite. I have a feeling we'll be dealing with something similar when it comes to gifts from his religious side of the family. One of his aunts does crafts and she does a beautiful job on everything she makes, but it always has a religious theme. She's already told me that she's going to make us a cross stitch. I hope that religion stays out of it because I'd love to display her beautiful work, but I just couldn't if it were representing something I didn't believe in.

 

[kelpie]

That is awful. When people try to shove religion down my throat I usually want to say something like, "I realize you did this out of your concern for my everlasting soul but you need to understand how offensive it is to me when you essentially say that who I am is not good enough and I'm going to rot in hell. You are saying I'm a terrible person when every day I strive to make decisions that I can be proud of."

 

[nkarma]

I am sorry! I can definitely put myself in your shoes and see how you could be very upset. Would they like it if you gave them Religulous (movie by Bill Maher) for their anniversary? On one hand I want to say shrug it off. But on the other, they did purposely give this to you to make a statement. In order to keep the peace, donate them and say nothing at all. I agree you shouldn't have to say thank you. They did that to start drama.

 

[vintagelover229]

I'd thank them and put it on the shelf. It may not be important to you, and while you may feel it's their way of "pushing" you towards organized religion (which it may be) but I'd take it as a gesture of love from them. Irrgardless if they are new to their beliefs or just renewed, it's important to them and for them. They probably just want to share the peace and joy that it's brought them with you guys as a couple. They've gone though some tough times (cancer) and most wedding gifts are something that the giver gives bc it's special to them and has helped in their life/marriage (unless they bought of the registry then you picked it out ) and they want to share it with the newly married couple.

Another way to look at is you may not read it now but perhaps later on down the road something will happen in your life (or you just want to read it) and you'll have a nice one already on the shelf. Giving a bible doesn't mean they expect you to conform to a certain organized religion, (I know many who can't go to church for various reasons) and so you can read it from where ever.

I really don't think it was meant to push/offend. I'm sure if they knew how uncomfortable it made you they'd feel terrible about it. I come from a family and had beliefs similar to yours and certain family members I had to tell flat out I didn't want to hear it. But then I realized that wasn't fair to them just as much as it wasn't fair to force it on ms. As long as it was something they do/talk about without me there I learned not to let it bother ms or take it personal. Now I'm on the band wagon and talk about it freely and want to share it myself, so I now understand why they talked about it/shared it so much.

If it hadn't been a bible but let's say a nice encyclopedia set (or something) would you have reacted the same way? I'd take it for a nice wedding gift (we all get one we raise our eye brows at, don't worry lol) and let it go. You have to ask is it worth hurting their feels over something you can put away in a box and never look at when it was something they care so much about in their own life?

Just food for thought! Although the name thing is really strange. I'm sure it was just an accident, perhaps someday it will bs something you joke about in the future! Who knows!

Can't wait to see your wedding thread!

 

[mrswahs]

Editing my post. Keeping the personal stuff out This can be deleted.

 

[mrscushion]

That would annoy me as well, but I wouldn't get upset about it, because what's the use? If they haven't gotten the point by now that you're not sharing their beliefs and do not want to be converted, they probably won't ever get it. Live and let live. I'd thank them for the gift -- and that's it. Then I'd put the bibles away and not think of them again.

ETA: vintagelover, respectfully, giving a bible to declaredly non-religious people is not the same as giving an encyclopedia. At best it's a pretty thoughtless gift.

 

[meresal]

I do not think that you should have to display them, or keep them, in your home if you do not wish.

I can relate to being given a wedding gift you most certainly did not want, and did not ask for. It is maddening when someone gives you a gift that means more to them, than it would ever mean to the receiver.

 

[missy]

Hi Turboflgrl,
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I feel that their gift is at best thoughtless and at worst disrespectful and controlling. Religion is a very personal thing and they know you and your FI are *not* religious and that is what makes this so disrespectful. I would avoid any drama or wasting any undue energy on this right now unless this behavior continues. I can only shudder at how they will behave if/when you have children and that is why it is important if their manipulative behavior continues for you both to put a definite and complete stop to it. However, you can give them the benefit of the doubt right now and hope it will not continue. So I would just graciously say thank you for the gift and leave it at that. But do not add thank you for the thoughtful gift or anything like that since that can be misconstrued.

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would just say they were certainly a unique gift and something unexpected. I wouldn't make a show of thanking them or even pretending to care that much. Religion isn't something that should be imposed. I mean, for all you know, nothing will be said...and in which case, let it die. Don't be the one to bring it up. I mean really and seriously. DON'T BRING IT UP. If they force your hand, choose your words carefully and be honest to a point that you're comfortable. Remember, this is family now...and they do have feelings, regardless of what you think of them and their coming-to-Jesus.

On a similar note, I have a box in my basement full of all the "stuff" we got for our wedding that we didn't want. And girl, it's a big box. I don't feel right trashing the stuff, but I'm not really into cluttering my home with stuff just for the sake of having stuff. Maybe someday I'll have a place or spot, but then again, maybe not. Either way. I think every couple has "the box" ... and looks like you'll be getting one, too! Congratulations!

 

[sonnyjane]

Ahhh...Bibles as gifts. When I was working at a PR firm my born-again Southern Baptist boss gave me a study Bible for Christmas even though she knew I was an Atheist "just in case you change your mind"...

I quit that job a few months later

I agree that while personally I'd be screaming on the inside and wanting to start a fight, to keep the peace I would be polite and not say anything.

 

[Pandora II]

If it was anyone other than the IL's I would say to just say thanks and leave it at that.

But, these are your husband's parents and the future grandparents of any children you may have. I'm a firm believer in setting boundaries as early and as firmly as necessary with all extended family and this for me would be a boundary setting issue.

DH and I are both atheists/secular humanists and it is a part of our lives that is very important to us. MIL is an ordained Anglican vicar married to another Anglican priest. FIL is a non-practicing Jew. Of DH's 3 siblings, 2 are mild atheists and 1 is mildly religious. Of my 3 siblings, 2 are atheists and 1 is extremely religious - my parents are both atheists.

If someone was to give us a Bible/Koran/religious book of choice and particularly a 'study' book and it wasn't tongue in cheek (we swap Dawkin's books and rebuttals with MIL for fun) I would be furious. We chose to have a non-religious wedding ceremony and we also don't attend family baptisms unless the person is over-16 and deciding for themselves.

I would sit down with the in-laws and explain exactly how this gift made you feel and that you find it inappropriate. At the same time I would tackle the issue of future grandchildren. I wouldn't trust them not to go against your wishes if they are prepared to give you a book that they know is not something compatible with your beliefs.

I have a friend who is militantly atheist whose mother and grandmother took her daughter off and had her baptised without the mother's knowledge because they thought she'd go to hell if she wasn't. The result is that my friend hasn't spoken to her mother for nearly 5 years and her mother hasn't met her grand-son or seen her grand-daughter again.

Otherwise, a copy of Carl Sagan's 'Demon Haunted World' should go down well for the next birthday present...

 

[Autumnovember]

ETA: The more I think about it, I think you should say "thank you for the gift" and smile. Keep them on a shelf. A gift is a gift. They aren't forcing you to read it or anything.

THIS. Totally agree. Not even worth your time saying anything more. I can TOTALLY see my future mother in law pulling something like this and I already know that I'll be ignoring it and not giving her my time of day.

 

[Haven]

Yeesh. This is a tough situation.

Part of me is tempted to advise you to simply thank your in-laws and leave it at that. If they ask you how your bible study is in the future, then you can set some boundaries at that time.

Another part of me is tempted to advise you to draw some boundaries right now by telling them in as nice a manner possible that you appreciate the gifts, but you want to make it clear that you will not be using the bibles to study because you believe (or don't believe) xyz.

The tough part is that these people are your in-laws, so you don't want to put undue stress on your relationship, however you don't want to allow them to cross boundaries that should exist, either.

Helpful, huh?

Honestly, if it were me, I would thank them for the gift and say nothing more about them. I wouldn't display them if I didn't want them displayed, and I would be very honest about my beliefs and such if they asked me about them in the future.

I'd make this choice because it falls into the category of "not worth the battle" for me--that is, until they try to take it one step further and expect me to USE the bibles. THEN, I'd speak up.

I used to teach in a public high school. The school administrators gave all of the teachers Christmas-related gifts every year for the holidays, and my Jewish parents were furious when they learned of this. Did I say anything? NO. It was not worth the battle. Was I irritated? Yes. I thought it was offensive and small-minded, especially coming from a PUBLIC school, but it just wasn't worth the battle. If they started asking me about these Christmas things and whether I put them to use, THEN I would have spoken up. So, I'd probably do the same thing if I were in your situation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

[DearBuddha]

My family does this to DH. He's a staunch atheist, and while it's never bothered me (I don't consider myself "religious" per say, but I don't rule out the idea that there's a greater power), it definitely bothers my family. They aren't rude about his lack of beliefs, but they do pose annoyingly condescending questions and "riddles" for him to explain. And he does, in precise scientific detail. But if he questions their beliefs or asks them to explain the existence of God in any other way than "I believe" or "I feel", they shut down and get defensive. *Shrugs*

I say you should address the issue privately and softly with the in-laws, before they swoop in. Basically, don't give them the option of show-boating at your rehearsal dinner. They know already how you feel about the subject; maybe a few gentle reminders will keep them from making an uncomfortable moment during your dinner. If they're respectful of both your feelings, they won't continue this "baptism through pressure" campaign. Just keep a firm position and refuse them turning your dinner into an impromptu sermon. Do it with a smile, though; flies with honey and all that...

 

[SomethingSinful]

I do not think that you should have to display them, or keep them, in your home if you do not wish.

I would either return them as politely as possible or toss/donate them. When asked, just be firm with the fact that those items are not welcome in your house. Another option would be to say that you had to edit your book collection and you just don't have the heart to keep something that you will never read, once again in the nicest way possible.

 

[sillyberry]

I do not think that you should have to display them, or keep them, in your home if you do not wish.

I would either return them as politely as possible or toss/donate them. When asked, just be firm with the fact that those items are not welcome in your house. Another option would be to say that you had to edit your book collection and you just don't have the heart to keep something that you will never read, once again in the nicest way possible.

This isn't the answer I would have given a few years ago, but I disagree. Let me say that I'm not a believer in anything myself. Even so I would keep the Bibles (or other religious memorabilia) given by family members as a wedding present. I wouldn't display them and I would be firm about drawing boundaries later on if the need arises (and it sounds like it probably will in this case).

But you never know if someday your religious beliefs might change, if your children choose to associate themselves with a particular religion (and thus would appreciate them), or even if you just find yourself older and missing your family who has passed away and use these as a reminder of them. And perhaps none of those things happen and they merely sit in a box for the next 50 years gathering dust. To me that's a worthwhile trade-off.

 

[CharmyPoo]

My fiance and are in a similar situation - we were gifted a trip to a religious pilgrimage by his aunt! This not only is costing her a lot to send us there (we appreciate the thought) but it is requiring us to take a week of vacation time during our wedding year. Essentially, we are forced into a gift we don't want and have to also take a precious week of our vacation time which would have went towards our honeymoon. Anyways, we were not able to decline ... to her and my fiance's parents .. this is the greatest gift ever. To us ... a waste of money although we recognize and appreciate the kindness.

 

[turboflgrl]

Finally got some time to get back to my thread.. sorry I've been MIA!

The family get together that was supposed to occur was cancelled at the last minute so frankly, that worked out well..for now. I guess if they were simply "religious people" then it wouldn't bother me so much. I didn't go into the full history before but they are truly manipulative, evil people that I can't stomach to actually call my inlaws. For a brief synopsis... they told DH that I was fat and not good enough for him when we were first dating - the picture I posted in the wedding dress thread is the same weight as when he first met me if that tells you anything. They have disrespected my family on several occasions. They're very controlling of DH, tried to trash talk DH and I to my Dad (thankfully my Dad stood up for us), and are just awful. I could write a book about all the things they've done but I guess that's why I've let this effect me so much. This gift was not given from a good place. I feel as though this gift was given to embarass, chastise, and attempt to control us yet again.

I think what I'll do from here is simply swallow my pride, put the Bibles in a box, and never look at them again. If they bring it up or keep pushing it, that's when I'll say what needs to be said.

Regardless, I know topics that even mention religion can quickly go sour and I truly appreciate each of your viewpoints. Thanks for all your input and I definitely feel like I can handle myself if it ever does come up again.


**Edit**

Vintagelover - I must say I do disagree with the comparison of a religious book to an encyclopedia. The Bible was given to us after many failed attempts at dragging us to church and other religious activities. It is by no means the same situation.

 

[iota15]

Turbo, I think what you're planning to do makes a lot of sense. I would be extremely offended as well, especially given that it seems to have come from a bad place.

Vintage - I understand that a gift like this could come from a place of love. I agree with Turbo though - this is not an encyclopedia. I mean for one, even I wouldn't just toss a bible in the recycle bin. It's possible I'd do that for an encyclopedia once the kids were finished mauling away at it though.

To put an extreme example out there - this "gift" is akin to giving a religious person a book called "Finding the Light - The Road to Atheisism" (made up title, by the way). If I gave a leather bound, name engraved copy to a couple for their wedding, should I expect to see it on their dining room bookshelf?

 

[rosetta]

This is outrageous behaviour!

It's not coming from a good place at all, I would've donated the book to charity and not even kept it.

If it came from kind, loving in-laws I would keep the book on a bookshelf.

So two extreme views there from me!

 

[Anonymous]

I had a longer post but some was irrelevant. I don't really have much to add other than I'm sorry that they came from apparently very poorly behaved people that are trying to sell themselves as following God's word. That type of behavior (claiming to be religious but actions portraying nastiness that would never be condoned by ANY religion) just irks me. Hypocrites, bleh!

 

[turboflgrl]

@tammy - I know exactly what you mean and that is the part that irritates me. I accept people of all faiths or those without any at all. The hypocritical nature is what makes it just so unbearable.