update...

[Ketchup]

So I wrote on here about a bridesmaid that has been causing me trouble due to her excessive drinking.
My wedding is in less than a month and she keeps getting drunk, then sending me messages about how I''m how I''m such a bad friend and she''s so lonely. Each conversation ends with something along the lines of "well I guess I don''t have feelings" because that''s all she can think of to say back to me. As soon as I see I have a message I dread it because I know it''s from her and it just brings me down. She makes me feel so bad and I told her with the wedding coming up I just haven''t had a whole lot of free time (and this is true, I get up at 6am for work, get home around 5 or 6 and am usually so wiped out I go to bed around 9 or 10). I''m just trying to trudge through these last couple weeks. I told her I can''t afford to go out because all of our last bit of money is basically being sucked up into the wedding. I have said if she wants to hang out over here that''s fine but that I don''t want to drink. Last night fi and I went out with my sister, had a GREAT time, sister paid for dinner and a couple glasses of wine so we could just relax for once, it was fantastic. I get home and notice a message on my phone that says "Wanna go get dinner?" I write back "oh my sister came into town and took fi and I out for dinner already, sorry." She then rants on and on about how she thought we had plans (originally I had asked her for a favor, a ride somewhere because right now we only have one car- which probably gives away my identity but whatever- anyways prior to this she had proceeded to get drunk and blow up on me for something else i can''t even remember right now so i assumed she would be too angry to want to give us a ride in the first place and thought i would give her some space to cool down. so i asked my sister if she could help out and she did (and i let the friend know this plenty of time in advance, i think it must have been like 1pm the day of) and came and saw our new place and i vented and hence why she took us out to dinner). the second i get home the message says i canceled all my plans for tonight (i asked her for a ride between 4 and 5:30, still plenty of time to reschedule whatever it was) and then you left me home alone again and then proceeds to freak out about me never having time to do something with her and how she''s lonely and that fi and i are her only friends (granted this is true, she moved here to get away from a bad relationship, we opened up our home so she could have a place to go and it ended that we didn''t make such great roommates and then when she moved to her own place about a month ago this all started). In fact I had been thinking about seeing if she wanted to come watch a movie or something after dinner but then changed my mind after getting her messages. So talking to fi he basically told me I need to just let her sort out her issues because when she rags on me like that I look like zombie with no life in me and he thinks that''s why i end up so tired all time and i shouldn''t have to feel that way so close to the wedding. i dunno, i know if i ask her to do something shell say "oh you''re only asking me to do something bc you think you have to" It''s so crazy, I think we''re perfectly fine and then out of nowhere she finds something to freak out at me about. I just really don''t know what to do. I''m afraid she''s going to drag me down with her on the wedding day but at the same time she used to be a relatively sane person and I miss that person and want them to be there.
i really needed that vent im sorry if its all over the place, im just so bummed out right now i cant even think

 

[Ketchup]

I just want to point out that I do do stuff with her before people start mentioning that We did like a spa day the other day and then went out to dinner a couple days ago as well. Before that all of us were busy moving into our respective homes and we even helped her move!

 

[kas baby]

you are her only friend? that girl needs to get out more and meet some other people- which, I know can be hard to do, but she needs someone other than you. To me it just seems like she might be freaking out b/c she may feel she''s losing you because you''re getting married. Maybe that''s a stretch, but, its what it sounds like to me. She seems like a really dependent person- not good.

hang in there and try to get some rest!

 

[Ketchup]

And now her latest update is that I''m self centered? I really think she has that pretty backwards and I''m this close to cutting her out of the wedding

 

[alli_esq]

It sounds like your friend is going through a tough time. I know we alll are very self-involved right around our weddings, and that''s understandable, but to expect everyone else to understand what it takes to plan a wedding (especially those who have not done it themselves) or the amount of money or effort it takes isn''t necessarily fair.

I''m sorry it seems so rough on you right now to deal with your friends, but try to see it from her perspective--she obviously depends on you a lot, which in a way, you can see as flattering. Try to be there for her as much as you can without sacrificing yourself. And please don''t take this the wrong way, since we are all brides here and all understand what you''re going through, leading up to the wedding--but please try and see the situation from your friend''s perspective. You used to be someone she could count on, but now she sees you drifting away into your world of wedding planning.

I''m certainly not saying you''re a bad friend--I''m just saying that it''s easy sometimes to get into a wedding fog and not realize that you''re still the same person as you were before you had your wedding-on-the-brain, and people will still expect from you what they always did. Likewise, your wedding will be over soon, but if you value your friendships, you really must treat your friends with respect and love or they will resent you. And wWhat good is having a wedding if you will be surrounded by resentful people?

 

[Ketchup]

Date: 10/31/2009 2:01:14 PM
Author: alli_esq
It sounds like your friend is going through a tough time. I know we alll are very self-involved right around our weddings, and that''s understandable, but to expect everyone else to understand what it takes to plan a wedding (especially those who have not done it themselves) or the amount of money or effort it takes isn''t necessarily fair.


I''m sorry it seems so rough on you right now to deal with your friends, but try to see it from her perspective--she obviously depends on you a lot, which in a way, you can see as flattering. Try to be there for her as much as you can without sacrificing yourself. And please don''t take this the wrong way, since we are all brides here and all understand what you''re going through, leading up to the wedding--but please try and see the situation from your friend''s perspective. You used to be someone she could count on, but now she sees you drifting away into your world of wedding planning.


I''m certainly not saying you''re a bad friend--I''m just saying that it''s easy sometimes to get into a wedding fog and not realize that you''re still the same person as you were before you had your wedding-on-the-brain, and people will still expect from you what they always did. Likewise, your wedding will be over soon, but if you value your friendships, you really must treat your friends with respect and love or they will resent you. And wWhat good is having a wedding if you will be surrounded by resentful people?

I don''t mind being there for her, but if she is going to be making me feel bad about myself ALL the time then why bother? All she does is tell me how horrible I am. Who wants to do things with someone like that ya know? And when I do spend time with her she still gets angry at me for not spending time with her. I try to not talk about the wedding as much as possible, at most, it''s just to tell people what the dates and times are and what they will need. I''m not asking anything major from her, just a little niceness is appreciated.

 

[miraclesrule]

I get what you're saying alli, but even friends who are feeling sad and lonely because one their best friends is getting married and they probably don't even have a boyfriend, doesn't give them the right to lash out at their friend, the bride to be.

I think it's selfish of :stealths: friend (but I know who you are

) to project her own feelings of loneliness and need for connection and love onto the bride. It's one thing to have an adult conversation about it, but when she chooses to drunk dial and get all emotionally draining during an already emotionally draining time, that really isn't being a supportive friend. It's being a very selfish friend.

Do I feel compassion for her...absolutely. I went through some lonely feelings when my daughter got married and I was the host but didn't even have a date for my own daughter's wedding. Thank gawd the whole wedding dress saga kept me occupied and partially drunk most nights.

I think our Bride is handling her friend amazingly well, and although friends certainly are important, she is getting married to her best friend and in the end, perhaps...therein lies the crux of her friends behavior.

 

[Rock Your Socks]

I had a friend like this once, i was also her only friend for obvious reasons. I was her bridesmaid at her wedding and was at the birth of her first child. But she was always so selfish, and so needy. She always wanted me around and then pushed me away and then i just had enough, she accused me of flirting with her husband and she called me fat and hoped i could never get pregnant, that was it for me.

unfortunately as your wedding is so close, you may have to put up with it or if your brave cut her from the wedding. It''s your wedding afterall.

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. If you wanted to be treated like crap you probably have family members or the like who can fill this for you. You should not put up with this abuse and it is abuse. It''s hurting you and stressing you so please do yourself a favour and end your friendship. afterall a friendship should be nurturing, supportive and loving. Not abusive and destructive.

 

[cleokizzy]

oh ketchup! i don''t have any good advice but...

((((( H U G S )))))

hope this all gets cleared up soon!

 

[redfaerythinker]

cut. her. out... NOW. I spent the better part of six months wavering back and forth about whether or not to cut a girl out of my bridal party. She finally did something that sent me over the edge, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER now. I wish I had gotten rid of her earlier. Be brave... you won't regret it.

ETA: I have a friend who just sucked it up and let a toxic bridesmaid stay, and she was so miserable up to the wedding because of it. It really soured her memories of the experience.

 

[Miya03]

I had a friend very similar to this. She wanted me all to herself, to be at her beck and call whenever she wanted to do something. When I was no longer single and made other friends she couldn''t handle it (when I moved to her city she was the only person I knew). She would call me and tell me I was a bad friend, that I never made time for her but made time for everyone else, and inevitably I would end up in tears. It made even the time that I talked to her and hung out with her horrible because she just couldn''t stop telling me that I was a horrible friend.

Finally, one night I snapped. She called and started the guilt trip, and I just told her exactly what I thought. I said that things had changed, and she was going to have to deal with it, but it didn''t mean that I didn''t value her as a friend. And I told her that the reason I didn''t want to call her or hang out with her anymore was because every time I did all she would bring up was that she thought I was a bad friend. I said if she really wanted us to be good friends again, and if she really wanted to hang out, then she was going to have to stop saying that to me, because it was HER actions that were driving me away. So we could try to be friends, if she could DROP THE SUBJECT!

Interestingly enough, it worked. No, we aren''t BFFs, because our relationship was already moving away from that direction. And yes, it has been 2 years since that conversation, but the fact is, I still talk to her, she doesn''t bring it up, and now I look forward to hanging out with her. I feel like I got my original friend back, without the pressure of having to be available anytime she had a whim.

I don''t know if this will work for you, but I thought I''d share since it did for me. And keep in mind that what she really feels is that she''s losing you as a friend. It''s like a bad breakup when the boy keeps calling you and bringing up all of those hurt feelings over and over. Once she realizes that relationships change and she starts to let go, you can start to be friends again (if you want to). The timing really sucks for you because of the wedding, but I will say that I recommend having a "lay down the law" convo before the wedding and see if it sticks. If it does--great, she can be there. If not, cut her out and deal with in after the wedding. It isn''t worth ruining your big day.