Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Update: Friend Situation

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
As many of you probably remember, I wrote a few weeks ago to get some opinions on how to precede with an issue involving my best friend.

Well, it came to a head about an hour ago...and I''m just heartbroken. I am so sad right now. So, here''s the update...and please tell me if you think I handled it wrong, or whatever... I just stop crying.

So...

I got a text message telling me that she and her husband were back together. And this is the text messages...

Her: Yep, we got it for her after counseling

Me: So you and R are working on the marriage?

Her: Yes, he is doing better and I told my parents last week. He is on his meds and going to counseling by himself and with me.

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok

Me: Well, I have to tell you it took a minute to digest the news, and I want to tell you that I love you like a sister but I think you''re making a mistake.

I know it is going to make you mad hearing this...and it''s certainly not my place to advise or tell you what to do, but we both know the story of your relationship and it breaks my heart you''ve decided to not honor yourself ... You deserve better.

I love you like you''re my sister, and I adore K but if having you both in my life means that having R around I just can''t do it that. I can''t pretend that I don''t know what I know.

Her: ok thats ur decision...i thought u would say that

Me: I don''t trust him, he''s attacked me personally with that he has said, and he has tried to convince you that I was the root of your marital problems.

Her: ook

Me: It''s the hardest thing in the world, but if I were to say ''congratulations'' or something to that effect, I won''t be being a good friend, I would be doing you a huge disservice. I love you enough to be honest with you, even if it costs me our friendship.

The End

She never messaged back, and I ran out of things to say. I am sick over this...I am frusterated, and I feel like she''s not the person I once knew. Does anyone have any advice on getting through to her? Or is this a complete loss? Did I do the wrong thing, or is it okay to walk away because I just can''t take it anymore?

Thanks.
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Big hugs Italia.

People will only want help when they want help. You have done all that you can do as a friend. And as sad as this whole situation is, she has made her choice. She has to live with that decision and the burden of that awful relationship.
 

Po10472

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
1,443
There is nothing you can do now I''m afraid


You told her exactly what was on your mind, your opinions on her husband and your love for her. She has picked him and no matter what you do, her choice is to stay with her man even if he does put her through hell.

I''m afraid you''re going to have to walk away but do so knowing that you tried everything you could but ultimately she made the decision herself.

You already know what I''m saying but you''re heart broken at losing your friend so the hurt will continue for a while until it gets easier.

Her heart has ruled her head and your head has ruled your heart on this occasion.

*hugs*
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
4,881
I feel sorry that you had the courage to be honest but that your friend didn''t receive it well. I think you did the right thing by telling your friend exactly what you thought of the situation. You were right to say that congratulating her or telling her you agreed with the decision would be a disservice to her.

If I had been in your situation I think I would have only done one thing differently. I might have spoken up about your thoughts a little bit sooner, before she made her choice.

Well, for her sake, I hope it works out this time. Especially with a child involved.
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
4,881
Date: 3/2/2009 4:12:38 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Big hugs Italia.

People will only want help when they want help. You have done all that you can do as a friend. And as sad as this whole situation is, she has made her choice. She has to live with that decision and the burden of that awful relationship.
Absolutely true. I forgot to mention this in my original post.

At least she knows you will support her if she decides to really move on from him eventually.
 

Steel

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
4,884
Date: 3/2/2009 4:04:41 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
As many of you probably remember, I wrote a few weeks ago to get some opinions on how to precede with an issue involving my best friend.

Well, it came to a head about an hour ago...and I'm just heartbroken. I am so sad right now. So, here's the update...and please tell me if you think I handled it wrong, or whatever... I just stop crying.

So...

I got a text message telling me that she and her husband were back together. And this is the text messages...

Her: Yep, we got it for her after counseling

Me: So you and R are working on the marriage?

Her: Yes, he is doing better and I told my parents last week. He is on his meds and going to counseling by himself and with me.

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok

Me: Well, I have to tell you it took a minute to digest the news, and I want to tell you that I love you like a sister but I think you're making a mistake.

I know it is going to make you mad hearing this...and it's certainly not my place to advise or tell you what to do, but we both know the story of your relationship and it breaks my heart you've decided to not honor yourself ... You deserve better.

I love you like you're my sister, and I adore K but if having you both in my life means that having R around I just can't do it that. I can't pretend that I don't know what I know.

Her: ok thats ur decision...i thought u would say that

Me: I don't trust him, he's attacked me personally with that he has said, and he has tried to convince you that I was the root of your marital problems.

Her: ook

Me: It's the hardest thing in the world, but if I were to say 'congratulations' or something to that effect, I won't be being a good friend, I would be doing you a huge disservice. I love you enough to be honest with you, even if it costs me our friendship.

The End

She never messaged back, and I ran out of things to say. I am sick over this...I am frusterated, and I feel like she's not the person I once knew. Does anyone have any advice on getting through to her? Or is this a complete loss? Did I do the wrong thing, or is it okay to walk away because I just can't take it anymore?

Thanks.


IMHO you should only doubt yourself if you feel that the 1st highlighted part is an overstatement on your part.



An ultimatum is not a courtesy. It is unsavoury and often distasteful but that will not devalue its necessity.



 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/2/2009 4:12:38 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Big hugs Italia.

People will only want help when they want help. You have done all that you can do as a friend. And as sad as this whole situation is, she has made her choice. She has to live with that decision and the burden of that awful relationship.
I just keep thinking this is my best friend...we grew up together...we have always been together...so how can I just walk away? My heart is just broken, so bad. I can''t stop crying.

And I feel like she isn''t the same person anymore...R has said horrible things about her family, her friends...he''s done horrible things. And she''s just so forgiving of him. She knows who he is...but she just don''t care...it''s like she doesn''t care about herself. It''s unbelievable. And I''m sad for her...because she''s just fooled herself...no one else. Everyone knows...but she keeps hoping.


And I''m mad too...because I spent so much time and energy helping move forward. I looked for jobs for her, apartments, I spent nights not sleeping just to talk her off the edge...and I''m not saying I''m a perfect friend, or I''ve done everything right...but, God. Then she decides to get back with him, and suddenly our friendship is disposable...she told me over a text message.
 

elrohwen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 20, 2008
Messages
5,536
I totally agree with the others that you did all you could and it was better that you were honest rather than an enabler. As hard as it is for you, I''m sure it''s just as hard for her. Maybe this will be an event that will help put her on the road to seeking help and realizing that staying with this guy is not healthy for anyone.

It''s just a bad situation all around and I''m so sorry
{{{{hugs}}}}
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/2/2009 4:13:59 PM
Author: Clairitek
I feel sorry that you had the courage to be honest but that your friend didn''t receive it well. I think you did the right thing by telling your friend exactly what you thought of the situation. You were right to say that congratulating her or telling her you agreed with the decision would be a disservice to her.

If I had been in your situation I think I would have only done one thing differently. I might have spoken up about your thoughts a little bit sooner, before she made her choice.

Well, for her sake, I hope it works out this time. Especially with a child involved.
I have told her my thoughts on the issue of R and their marriage. She knew..which is also why she knew I wasn''t going to cheer for their reconcilation.
 

Diamond*Dana

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 21, 2006
Messages
7,233
I am sorry that you are going through this, I am sure that it is a difficult time for you.
If you feel that strongly about what you said to her, then you handled this the best way you could. It sounds like your friend is in a bad relationship that will most likely not get any better. It is unfortunate, but R will probably relapse at some point and make your friend second guess her decision. There is nothing that you can do except for be there if and when that happens.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
Italia, you are a wonderful lady. Some people just need to learn things on their own.

You are right to take a step back.... based off of the previous thread, it will most likely go sour again... and when it does, I would say to be there with open arms.... but it is hard.... if everytime you console her, she runs right back to the cause of her pain...

Just wanted to give you a hug, watching a loved one make a mistake is hard.. but it is their lesson to learn... we cannot learn it FOR them.

((HUGS))
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
I
Date: 3/2/2009 4:17:15 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 3/2/2009 4:04:41 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
As many of you probably remember, I wrote a few weeks ago to get some opinions on how to precede with an issue involving my best friend.

Well, it came to a head about an hour ago...and I''m just heartbroken. I am so sad right now. So, here''s the update...and please tell me if you think I handled it wrong, or whatever... I just stop crying.

So...

I got a text message telling me that she and her husband were back together. And this is the text messages...

Her: Yep, we got it for her after counseling

Me: So you and R are working on the marriage?

Her: Yes, he is doing better and I told my parents last week. He is on his meds and going to counseling by himself and with me.

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok

Me: Well, I have to tell you it took a minute to digest the news, and I want to tell you that I love you like a sister but I think you''re making a mistake.

I know it is going to make you mad hearing this...and it''s certainly not my place to advise or tell you what to do, but we both know the story of your relationship and it breaks my heart you''ve decided to not honor yourself ... You deserve better.

I love you like you''re my sister, and I adore K but if having you both in my life means that having R around I just can''t do it that. I can''t pretend that I don''t know what I know.

Her: ok thats ur decision...i thought u would say that

Me: I don''t trust him, he''s attacked me personally with that he has said, and he has tried to convince you that I was the root of your marital problems.

Her: ook

Me: It''s the hardest thing in the world, but if I were to say ''congratulations'' or something to that effect, I won''t be being a good friend, I would be doing you a huge disservice. I love you enough to be honest with you, even if it costs me our friendship.

The End

She never messaged back, and I ran out of things to say. I am sick over this...I am frusterated, and I feel like she''s not the person I once knew. Does anyone have any advice on getting through to her? Or is this a complete loss? Did I do the wrong thing, or is it okay to walk away because I just can''t take it anymore?

Thanks.



IMHO you should only doubt yourself if you feel that the 1st highlighted part is an overstatement on your part.




An ultimatum is not a courtesy. It is unsavoury and often distasteful but that will not devalue its necessity.




I don''t feel that it was an overstatement. I feel that way. He''s toxic. He''s a bad person. And I can''t go shopping, or talk on the phone and pretend like he''s not her husband--and that he''s not a part of her life....because he is. He just doesn''t have permission to be in my life .... and thats the bottom line.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/2/2009 4:26:42 PM
Author: tlh
Italia, you are a wonderful lady. Some people just need to learn things on their own.

You are right to take a step back.... based off of the previous thread, it will most likely go sour again... and when it does, I would say to be there with open arms.... but it is hard.... if everytime you console her, she runs right back to the cause of her pain...

Just wanted to give you a hug, watching a loved one make a mistake is hard.. but it is their lesson to learn... we cannot learn it FOR them.

((HUGS))
Thank you.

It is hard...because they both have the same issue. He can be good for a while, but he''ll south again--hurt her, their daughter. And she, likewise, gets a burst of independance...but when the newness wears off, she goes right back. Same thing different variables. And like she falls for him, I fall for her...I needed to step out to stop hurting myself. She''s not the same person anymore...she''s still fun, and I still love her...but she''s lost a lot of what made her her over the course of this. Theres not denying that.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/2/2009 4:24:33 PM
Author: Diamond*Dana
I am sorry that you are going through this, I am sure that it is a difficult time for you.
If you feel that strongly about what you said to her, then you handled this the best way you could. It sounds like your friend is in a bad relationship that will most likely not get any better. It is unfortunate, but R will probably relapse at some point and make your friend second guess her decision. There is nothing that you can do except for be there if and when that happens.
I do feel strongly about what I said...i was honest with her. Thank you for your kindness.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/2/2009 4:13:08 PM
Author: Po10472
There is nothing you can do now I''m afraid


You told her exactly what was on your mind, your opinions on her husband and your love for her. She has picked him and no matter what you do, her choice is to stay with her man even if he does put her through hell.

I''m afraid you''re going to have to walk away but do so knowing that you tried everything you could but ultimately she made the decision herself.

You already know what I''m saying but you''re heart broken at losing your friend so the hurt will continue for a while until it gets easier.

Her heart has ruled her head and your head has ruled your heart on this occasion.

*hugs*
It just hurts knowing she knows everything...and she doesn''t love herself enough to want...I hope in time she finds herself, and when she does, I''ll still love her and help her in anyway.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/2/2009 4:22:42 PM
Author: elrohwen
I totally agree with the others that you did all you could and it was better that you were honest rather than an enabler. As hard as it is for you, I''m sure it''s just as hard for her. Maybe this will be an event that will help put her on the road to seeking help and realizing that staying with this guy is not healthy for anyone.

It''s just a bad situation all around and I''m so sorry
{{{{hugs}}}}
Thank you for your support, I appreciate it. I feel that in the end, when its all said and done, it will best that I honest--rather than say things she wanted to hear just to stay in her good graces...I did was necessary.
 

Steel

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
4,884
Date: 3/2/2009 4:27:03 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I

Date: 3/2/2009 4:17:15 PM
Author: Steel


Date: 3/2/2009 4:04:41 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
As many of you probably remember, I wrote a few weeks ago to get some opinions on how to precede with an issue involving my best friend.

Well, it came to a head about an hour ago...and I''m just heartbroken. I am so sad right now. So, here''s the update...and please tell me if you think I handled it wrong, or whatever... I just stop crying.

So...

I got a text message telling me that she and her husband were back together. And this is the text messages...

Her: Yep, we got it for her after counseling

Me: So you and R are working on the marriage?

Her: Yes, he is doing better and I told my parents last week. He is on his meds and going to counseling by himself and with me.

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok

Me: Well, I have to tell you it took a minute to digest the news, and I want to tell you that I love you like a sister but I think you''re making a mistake.

I know it is going to make you mad hearing this...and it''s certainly not my place to advise or tell you what to do, but we both know the story of your relationship and it breaks my heart you''ve decided to not honor yourself ... You deserve better.

I love you like you''re my sister, and I adore K but if having you both in my life means that having R around I just can''t do it that. I can''t pretend that I don''t know what I know.

Her: ok thats ur decision...i thought u would say that

Me: I don''t trust him, he''s attacked me personally with that he has said, and he has tried to convince you that I was the root of your marital problems.

Her: ook

Me: It''s the hardest thing in the world, but if I were to say ''congratulations'' or something to that effect, I won''t be being a good friend, I would be doing you a huge disservice. I love you enough to be honest with you, even if it costs me our friendship.

The End

She never messaged back, and I ran out of things to say. I am sick over this...I am frusterated, and I feel like she''s not the person I once knew. Does anyone have any advice on getting through to her? Or is this a complete loss? Did I do the wrong thing, or is it okay to walk away because I just can''t take it anymore?

Thanks.

IMHO you should only doubt yourself if you feel that the 1st highlighted part is an overstatement on your part.


An ultimatum is not a courtesy. It is unsavoury and often distasteful but that will not devalue its necessity.

I don''t feel that it was an overstatement. I feel that way. He''s toxic. He''s a bad person. And I can''t go shopping, or talk on the phone and pretend like he''s not her husband--and that he''s not a part of her life....because he is. He just doesn''t have permission to be in my life .... and thats the bottom line.
I understand how you would be upset but by your own reasoning you have made the right choice.
Logic and emotion rarely agree.
 

rainydaze

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 1, 2007
Messages
2,952
big hugs Italia. for what it''s worth, i do think you handled it well and i am proud of you for saying the difficult things that i believe needed to be said. i hope for your friend''s sake, her daughter''s sake, and your sake she wakes up and ''hears'' it someday.... soon. i am anxious for her daughter, who has no say or control in this mess, and is greatly, adversely affected.
 

Maisie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 30, 2006
Messages
12,578
I lost my sister in a very similar way. She chose to stay with her husband, who was sexually abusing her 14 year old daughter. I don''t understand it either. I grieve for our relationship and I wish she would leave him. She chose him over me and that hurt a lot. I don''t hear from her at all now. I miss her so much.

You have to be strong and stand by your conscience. If you really can''t and won''t let this man be a part of your life then its at the risk of being close to her. Hopefully in time she will come to realise that you were right and come back to you.

I am sending you big hugs!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
If you meant what you said, that you can''t have her and her daughter in your life if he is part of theirs, than you did what you felt you needed to and there''s nothing left to say. She had decided, for whatever reason, that she needs to be with him and there is nothing you could/can say or do to change that, I''d let it go, as hard as it may be, because sometimes silence is the loudest, clearest sound of all.
 

luvmyhalo

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 4, 2007
Messages
1,170
Everyone has given such great advice. I think you''ve done all you can do. She''s made her choice and I think she knows it''s not the wisest one. That''s why she texted you instead of calling or telling you in person. I would just tell her that you wish her all the best and you''ll always be there for her, but that you care for her too much to watch her go down that dark path again. The rest is in her hands. Big hugs, it always hurts to lose a friend.
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
4,881
Date: 3/2/2009 4:23:58 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor


Date: 3/2/2009 4:13:59 PM
Author: Clairitek
I feel sorry that you had the courage to be honest but that your friend didn''t receive it well. I think you did the right thing by telling your friend exactly what you thought of the situation. You were right to say that congratulating her or telling her you agreed with the decision would be a disservice to her.

If I had been in your situation I think I would have only done one thing differently. I might have spoken up about your thoughts a little bit sooner, before she made her choice.

Well, for her sake, I hope it works out this time. Especially with a child involved.
I have told her my thoughts on the issue of R and their marriage. She knew..which is also why she knew I wasn''t going to cheer for their reconcilation.
Ah Ok. I couldn''t remember from your previous thread whether or not you had spoken up to her before or just kept your thoughts private.

I''m really sorry for the loss of a friend.
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Date: 3/2/2009 4:45:57 PM
Author: Maisie
I lost my sister in a very similar way. She chose to stay with her husband, who was sexually abusing her 14 year old daughter. I don''t understand it either. I grieve for our relationship and I wish she would leave him. She chose him over me and that hurt a lot. I don''t hear from her at all now. I miss her so much.


You have to be strong and stand by your conscience. If you really can''t and won''t let this man be a part of your life then its at the risk of being close to her. Hopefully in time she will come to realise that you were right and come back to you.


I am sending you big hugs!
Not to threadjack, but I hope that your 14 yr old niece has been removed from the home for abuse and neglect. If not, she needs to be.

/end threadjack
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Steel, Rainydaze, Maisie, Kimberly, Luv, and Clair...

Thank you all so much for your support...I have read your posts closely, and have taken your words to heart. Maisie, I am so sorry about your sister...how incredibly painful for you...I hope someday she comes around...((hugs)).

I feel better now. I am sure my hurt isn''t over, but for right now, I feel okay. I think that when it''s horrible to lose a friend--esspecially one that has been part of your life forever--but I am friend, and I''m not going to play the game anymore where she pretends she''s in a good marriage...and I play right along with her, pretending to not know what I know.

I think I was cruel to be kind...I think that by pulling away--maybe not now, but someday, she''ll feel that loss. More than money, more than things...friends aren''t easily replaced...and when she tallies up the toll her relationship has costed her, she''ll find that it a very heavy toll, that the people who loved her and wanted the best for her were price.

I am sure things will get worse before they get better...I am sure I''ll miss her a million times a day...and I''m sure someday he''ll hurt her, and she''ll (maybe) come back around (maybe not)...but I did her a favor today, I stopped enabling her--and stopped being an easer.
 

Irishgrrrl

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 3, 2008
Messages
4,684
Oh, Italia . . . sweetie, I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))
 

Deelight

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
5,543
I am sorry italia It does suck bigtime when you lose someone your so close to but sometimes you need to let people go so they can work out their own path. You let her know you still love her and heck one day she might wake up to herself and realise what everyone else around her already knows and when that happens you may be able to pick up where you left off.

*HUGS*
 

marcy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 27, 2007
Messages
24,162
Sorry to hear she chose to go back to a bad situation. She probably doesn''t want to believe it won''t be any different this time. You tried your best and you are an honest and supportive friend and that''s the best you can do for her. It is very hard to lose a close friend.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    November’s Jewels Of The Weeks
    November’s Jewels Of The Weeks
    Upgrade to Five-Stone
    Upgrade to Five-Stone
    Elizabeth Taylor's Diamond Heart
    Elizabeth Taylor's Diamond Heart

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top