Unwanted gifts

[Gempassion]

Hi Everyone,

My MIL gives me things that I don't use or clothes that I don't wear (because it's just not my cup of tea). And, I'm one of those people who is the opposite of a packrat. I donate things that don't get used. Needless to say, I've donated a few of my MIL's gifts. The problem is: She is one of those gift-givers who constantly asks 1) If I am using the item, 2) Do I like it... Even a few years after having given a gift, she'll ask: "Well, what about that thing I gave you?" And, I am at a point where I don't know what to say.

I always say thank you when I receive a gift. But, I don't pretend to like something by parading it in front of the gift-giver when they come over.

Any advice?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I would say "thanks, but no thanks" next time she offers. I don't know how your MIL would react to that, but at least it would save you the effort of making up excuses as to why you don't wear/use things that she gives you.

Also, I'm a firm believer that when you receive a gift it is then yours to do what you want with regardless of who gave it to you. For example, I know that DH and I gave some of our wedding gifts to Goodwill because we knew we'd never use them.

Good luck!

 

[kelpie]

I have a similar problem with my MIL! She LOVES to give me giftcards and tells her other family members to give me giftcards (generally for a specific store I don't normally shop at but I do end up using). When I mentioned I was selling some visa giftcards on ebay because I found using them to be a hassle and bad deal for the purchaser and the giftee she and other family were so offended even though I said these weren't gifts but work bonuses. She says it makes me seem ungrateful, but I'm over here thinking a giftcard is not meant to be treasured, it's meant to be spent on something you'll like, so how is it offensive to convert it into currency to spend it on something you really want? The only reason I mentioned something in the first place was because my wedding is coming up in 3 weeks and my own mom suggested I hint I'm not a fan of giftcards and I won't be able to use them in Africa where I'm moving so they just don't make sense. I thought I was reasonable but apparently I was really gauche and hurt several people's feelings.

So I sympathize. I would try to avoid all discussion of past gifts from your MIL, but maybe going forward you can create an Amazon.com wishlist (they have a universal button now which grabs anything for sale online) and when the holidays come around your DH can send it to her saying like, "Gempassion sent me her wishlist to help me out since I always have trouble with gift ideas, I thought I'd share just in case you needed ideas too".

 

[Miss Sparkly]

My MIL does the same thing. I just say that I can't keep track of gifts like she can and I'm sure that I've used it I just don't remember.

 

[Gempassion]

Thanks for the advice! And, for empathizing with my situation.

Divadiamond007: You're right. I totally agree that when you give a gift. The recipient can do whatever they want with it.

Kelpie: Congrats on the upcoming wedding and the move to Africa. Sounds like a very exciting time for you. Your mother is right (it is probably best that you remind people that giftcards will be irrelevant in Africa. People get offended easily when it comes to things like this, I suppose, but it's important to say what you need to say at times. A wishlist is a great idea, but my MIL's tends to ignore suggestions. She kind of likes doing what she feels is best. And, my SO told me that she buys things in advance, stashes them away, and gives them as gifts whenever she pleases.

SparklyBlonde: Good advice. I can follow your lead.

My MIL is a wonderful woman. I just tend to get taken aback when she asks about previous gifts because my family doesn't do that. I suppose I could just say, "thanks again that was a lovely gift" without mentioning how much it gets used.

Gempassion

 

[Jennifer W]

My mother had about 35 years of this with her MIL (my grandmother). Odd gifts, stuff she didn't want, wouldn't wear, didn't like. Not for any particular occasion, either. Worse, she'd ask to borrow gifted items occasionally, sometimes years later. "I'm going to a wedding next week, could I possibly use the silk gloves I gave you a few years back...."

My mother gave up in the end and kept them in a big box in her closet. She'd pull out random objects when my grandmother was visiting and place them somewhere prominent for ornaments and books and suchlike, or just wear it in the case of the odd, amorphous hand knitted garments.

Good luck!

Jen

 

[Gempassion]

LOL, thanks JenniferW that's really funny!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

LOL! What's with all the MIL's giving the DIL's unwanted gifts!?!?

Seriously, i can't get rid of the stuff faster than she gives it to me. Today i had a huge clean out and a lot of it was from the MIL, i was nearly finished when my daughter walked in with a bag of stuff from the MIL

This weekend i aquired the weekend newspaper, 2 magazines, a few articles she thought i would like, 4 hand written notes, some recipes, a bag of tomatoes, 20 eggs, 6 avocados 2 leather skirts and a fake denim shirt dress she thought i would like.

I love her to death but i really wish she wouldn't give me stuff all the time. Our house is just too small and i have enough problems keeping my own stuff tidy!

 

[Gempassion]

I am thrilled that we can have a chat and a laugh about this!

Maybe MIL's just give us stuff instead of giving it to good will.

Hawaiianorangetree: that list of stuff that you got is priceless, LOL. It's so random and that's what makes it so funny.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

In the scheme of things, I don't see what the big deal is. As another post here did, put a box in the closet, to store and hold things and then bring one or two items out when your MIL can't hurt much. Try and make her feel good about herself. Clearly that is why she is giving you the gifts. Endulge her a bit!

That is unless she's giving you gifts that are clearly meant to offend!

 

[kelpie]

This weekend i aquired the weekend newspaper, 2 magazines, a few articles she thought i would like, 4 hand written notes, some recipes, a bag of tomatoes, 20 eggs, 6 avocados 2 leather skirts and a fake denim shirt dress she thought i would like.
!

LOL LOL LOL! Bring it back to her, "I love this recipe for tomato avocado egg salad, I made a special batch for you!"

 

[Gempassion]

You're right MC, it's not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, which is why it is a bit funny.

Good idea Kelpie!

 

[partgypsy]

Gempassion, you sound like me! I don't like clutter, we have a small house, and I don't know if because we were seen as not well off, my husband and I would get odd hand me downs from lots of people all the time. Before I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful and thank the person, and then wonder what I was going to do with it. In retrospect it's people who don't want some object, but feel guilty about getting rid of it, so avoid guilt by giving it to someone else. Granted some things we appreciated, but the rest I realize I'm not there to assuage their guilt about that particular object. If i sincerely don't think I'm going to use it I'm much better at cutting people off at the pass saying sorry not my style, or it's beautiful but I just don't have room (in my house/closet/china cabinet). The other day my MIL offered me an apron emblazoned with a giant head of a cow on it (Great, so when I'm cooking I can look down, and think "cow"). I politely refused saying something to the effect the country look is not my thing.

 

[Gempassion]

Hi partgypsy,

Yes, you're right, I don't like clutter at all (and I have a really small apartment right now). I could say no if someone gave me something randomly, but it's a bit different with my MIL (especially since the gifts I am talking about tend to be birthday or Christmas or housewarming type gifts or souvenirs she buys me while she's travelling.. like souvenirs). So, when it's a gift, I was just raised to say thank you (to be polite) and I do.