Ultimatums. . . .just curious

[hisspecialk]

Ok. .. first of all let me say. I am no where near givng anyone an Ultimatum and wouldn''t.

BUT. .. geez. . .one of my girlfriends gave her boyfriend one (the he had better propose by her bday or ELSE! lol) well needless to say her bday was Saturday and guess who just posted pic of this beauitful ring on her Facebook page!!

How do you guys feel about ultimatums? Did you give one? Would you ever?

For me. . No i wouldn''t, I think I would forever be wondering IF he would have proposed if i hadn''t threatened him. ..

What say YOU ladies??

 

[RaiKai]

No, I would not give an ultimatum (nor have I ever).

Nor would I be involved with someone with whom I could have very open discussions about the relationship, marriage and so on. If it was pretty apparent that we were on very different pages (and not working towards the same page) I would have to make the choice of whether or not to stay in that relationship, but I would not give an ultimatum to force them to walk on my path. Ouch!

I can't see how "forcing" something to happen is good for either of you, or the relationship. The whole thing is just well....false. That is not to say I have not seen it happen before....just that I have not seen it end that well. There was a recent poster on here who experienced something similar.

Marriage should happen between two people who genuinely want to be married to each other. Sure you might get a WEDDING out of coercion, but are you going to really end up having a MARRIAGE?

 

[jewelz617]

Nothing like a pushy girlfriend to start a lifetime of happiness...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/5/2010 3:08:07 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Nothing like a pushy girlfriend to start a lifetime of happiness...

Agreed.

I''ve never given one nor do I plan to.

I''m not going to judge someone for doing it, different strokes for different folks after all, but if you''re going to give an ultimatum be prepared for either outcome.

 

[VikingP77]

I think it depends on the relationship, and we weren''t there so I can''t say if what she did was okay. He must have thought so though because he put a ring on it!
I don''t think I could do it that way though

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have known a few women who have given their boyfriends ultimatums and I can say that not one of them is in a healthy marriage. Ultimatums are indicators of bigger underlying issues which do not go away with a diamond ring. Even an internal deadline, which I think is a better alternative, is an indication of growing resentment which must be addressed before marriage.

 

[legallyspoiled]

One instance in particular comes to mine. After 7+ years of dating and a child, she gave a full out ultimatum. He gave in. He cheated the day after the wedding and has ever since. When questioned about it, he says that he never wanted to get married anyway.

I would never want to put someone in that position.

 

[AnneTossy]

I have NEVER understood why some women do this! Obviously a man will propose when he''s good and ready. Women who place ultimatiums should understand that it doesn''t magically make their man decide to get married, it makes him feel guilty and pushes him into something he doesn''t want. Personally I would never want to be in a relationship where I had to demand a ring, to me, it would mean he didn''t want to marry me on his own, and why would i want to be with someone who only asked because i made him?...if he didn''t want to marry me, i would go find a man that did. Forcing will only make him resentful and you''ll both be broken-hearted in the end.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/5/2010 2:42:39 PM
Author: RaiKai
No, I would not give an ultimatum (nor have I ever).


Nor would I be involved with someone with whom I could NOT have very open discussions about the relationship, marriage and so on. If it was pretty apparent that we were on very different pages (and not working towards the same page) I would have to make the choice of whether or not to stay in that relationship, but I would not give an ultimatum to force them to walk on my path. Ouch!


I can''t see how ''forcing'' something to happen is good for either of you, or the relationship. The whole thing is just well....false. That is not to say I have not seen it happen before....just that I have not seen it end that well. There was a recent poster on here who experienced something similar.


Marriage should happen between two people who genuinely want to be married to each other. Sure you might get a WEDDING out of coercion, but are you going to really end up having a MARRIAGE?

ETA: added the "NOT" in there above as it was supposed to have been!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/5/2010 3:17:25 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I have known a few women who have given their boyfriends ultimatums and I can say that not one of them is in a healthy marriage. Ultimatums are indicators of bigger underlying issues which do not go away with a diamond ring. Even an internal deadline, which I think is a better alternative, is an indication of growing resentment which must be addressed before marriage.

Huge ditto.

Getting your man to marry you doesn''t mean you will actually a) stay married forever or b) be happy in your marriage.

Marriage is not a "goal" or a "trophy" .. it''s a serious lifetime commitment that nobody should be forced (or coerced) into!

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/5/2010 3:55:37 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 4/5/2010 3:17:25 PM

Author: NewEnglandLady

I have known a few women who have given their boyfriends ultimatums and I can say that not one of them is in a healthy marriage. Ultimatums are indicators of bigger underlying issues which do not go away with a diamond ring. Even an internal deadline, which I think is a better alternative, is an indication of growing resentment which must be addressed before marriage.

Huge ditto.


Getting your man to marry you doesn''t mean you will actually a) stay married forever or b) be happy in your marriage.


Marriage is not a ''goal'' or a ''trophy'' .. it''s a serious lifetime commitment that nobody should be forced (or coerced) into!

Ditto Ditto.

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

I would never. If I have to *coerce* you (anyone) into doing something for me (especially something so major) that''s a good indication that it shouldn''t be happening.

Anyone I know that forced it was a) so focused on a WEDDING that the thought of marriage was probably on the backburner and b) was focused on the fact that "all of her friends" were getting engaged/married and c) were all marriages that failed - miserably.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 4/5/2010 2:42:39 PM
Author: RaiKai

Marriage should happen between two people who genuinely want to be married to each other. Sure you might get a WEDDING out of coercion, but are you going to really end up having a MARRIAGE?

What a clever and true way of stating the negatives of an ultimatum engagement.

While I do not agree with ultimatums at all, I do think relationships are about compromise and that EACH partner needs to recognize this. So many women are "waiting" for a proposal and I think its important that the boyfriend (assuming heterosexual relationship) recognize this and compromise as well as opposed to just proposing when he feels ready.

For example, I want to get engaged in a shorter timeline than SO. We''ve talked about it and it''s clear that I would gladly get engaged tomorrow while he could use some more time. So we talked about it and I extended my expected timeline and he shortened his, compromise.

However, I think it''s an entirely different issue if one partner isn''t ready because they don''t know if that''s the right person for them to marry or not. Ultimatums are especially bad in that scenario. But for couples who have decided they want to spend their lives together I do think compromising on an engagement timeline is important and many men don''t do this since it really is primarily in their control(for those who want a traditional engagement).

 

[Mobinvera]

I would not continue to date someone whose views and timeframe of marriage were significantly different than mine. Because marriage is important to me, this would indicate we are not a good match and I would move on to find someone more compatible. I’ve seen girls struggle and wait around, hoping their boyfriends would change and always think that if they were really with the right person it wouldn’t be this hard.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 4/5/2010 3:10:00 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 4/5/2010 3:08:07 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Nothing like a pushy girlfriend to start a lifetime of happiness...

Agreed.


I''ve never given one nor do I plan to.


I''m not going to judge someone for doing it, different strokes for different folks after all, but if you''re going to give an ultimatum be prepared for either outcome.

+1 I think there''s nothing wrong with saying, "I want this to happen by this time" in an open, honest discussion with your partner. Knowing a partner is not ready/otherwise not on the same page as you, and then saying, "I want this by this time, or you''re out" is too much for me. If my partner did that to me, I''d probably wonder if we were great partners at all.

 

[Haven]

I know two women who set ultimatums.

The first guy asked for an extension right before the deadline, she granted it, and then he finally proposed on the extension deadline. They broke the engagement before they ever married, but after they made all of their DW wedding plans, sent out the invitations, and had several friends book their trips for the DW. The guy is now happily married to another woman. I don''t know what happened to the girl.

The second guy was given a deadline right before the couple was to move in together. No proposal, but she still moved in with him. She set another deadline, he proposed right before it expired. They married, and separated about a year and a half after. It''s now been over three years, and they''re not technically separated, but they are still working on their issues.

I think ultimatums are symptoms of some larger issue.

 

[JSM]

Pressuring a man (or woman) rarely works. I do know of a couple where the woman pressured him into marriage, and then into a child. They are still together and seemingly happy, but the guy is one of those men who is uncomfortable with change. I doubt he would ever propose to any woman without being forced into it! For the same personality reasons, he''ll never leave her because he doesn''t like to upset the status quo. I wouldn''t ever want this for myself, but it ''worked'' for her.

In general, I agree with the other posters. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you ''made'' him propose? Wouldn''t you want it to be of his volition, because he loves you and wants to marry you?

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/5/2010 3:12:09 PM
Author: VikingP77
I think it depends on the relationship, and we weren''t there so I can''t say if what she did was okay. He must have thought so though because he put a ring on it!

I don''t think I could do it that way though

I think it depends on the ultimatum too. If the couple has been together for a long time, and one knows they want to take the relationship to the next level but the other is being vague about what they want, I think an ultimatum to "---t or get off the pot" is in order. I''ve been there, done that. He said he wasn''t able to commit for various reasons, and I didn''t want to date someone for years that would never see a marriage in the future. So, I broke it off. I told them "If I know the relationship is not going in the direction that I am hoping it''s going in, I see no reason to continue it. I don''t want a proposal tomorrow, I just want to know I''m not barking up the wrong tree. The only thing worse than dating someone for a year and nine months when you want different things out of life is dating the wrong person for a year, nine months and a day."

 

[SAPHIRINA]

I would not give an ultimatum. I strongly believe that if an ultimatum has to be given in order to get a proposal, then it''s a clear indication that there are larger issues at hand than simply setting a wedding date.

When I was in college, I dated a nice guy whose only problem (that I was aware of at the time) was that he wanted to get married right away. He proposed to me after we dated for about 3 months, and when I declined (I told him that I didn''t think we knew each other well enough to make that commitment just yet), he gave me an ultimatum - either I accept the proposal, or we are done. I liked him a lot and really saw a future with him eventually, so being young and inexperienced, I accepted, because I figured we''d just have a very long engagement during which we''ll figure things out. Well, one month later, it was over. He turned out to be impulsive and overbearing, giving me another ultimatum - marry me soon, or we''re done. I began to resent him for pushing me into marriage and we called it quits. I learned a lot from that experience.

My FI and I talked openly about marriage, family, kids, etc. pretty much right from the start. During our relationship, I was never waiting around for him to make up his mind. We both knew we wanted a family together, it was just a matter of giving him time to plan the proposal. He proposed 9 months after we started dating. There was never any pressure from either of us.

 

[iota15]

Date: 4/5/2010 11:40:22 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

The only thing worse than dating someone for a year and nine months when you want different things out of life is dating the wrong person for a year, nine months and a day.''

Winks - that''s awesome! and right on the money.

 

[ArtistJess]

ultimatums are ridiculous. i, personally, would want to know that the guy asked me to marry him because he wanted to, not because i forced him to. just my humble opinion.

 

[iota15]

Date: 4/5/2010 4:32:24 PM
Author: FutureMrsMRS
I would never. If I have to *coerce* you (anyone) into doing something for me (especially something so major) that''s a good indication that it shouldn''t be happening.

Anyone I know that forced it was a) so focused on a WEDDING that the thought of marriage was probably on the backburner and b) was focused on the fact that ''all of her friends'' were getting engaged/married and c) were all marriages that failed - miserably.

So accurate, from what I''ve seen. There''s more to a long happy life than a ring on your finger and day in a very pretty white dress...

 

[elrohwen]

My best friend recently gave one, but I totally see where she's coming from. She and her boyfriend currently live in LA, but the boyfreind needs to move back to DC (where they met) for work. She can't really leave right now, but would be willing to figure something out if they were engaged. If they're just dating, she doesn't see how she can give up her job to move back with him, and she doesn't want long distance (they already did that for a year when she first moved out to LA). So basically he needs to propose or break up by the summer when he needs to move back. I totally see where she's coming from on this one and it's the only situation where I think an ultimatum applies. I guess it's the job situation creating the ultimatum more so than the girl, which is why I'm ok with it.

 

[lulu]

About 51 years ago, after 5 years of dating, my aunt told my uncle to "sh-- or get off the pot" and I think it''s worked out well.

 

[LadyJane83]

I don''t agree with ultimatums- personally, I don''t think my pride could take it, and it could harm the relationship. However, I do have a friend who gave one after 7 years of dating. They have been married since late 2006 and seem to be happy...

I do think that some people (and it does tend to be men more than women) get comfy with the status quo, especially if living together. In that case, I think a little "push" is in order...perhaps an attempt to establish a loose timeline to make sure you stay on the same page. I also agree with Wink Elf''s statement that some people need to be told to "sh*t or get off the pot."

This might be naive, but I think that generally, people don''t do things that they don''t want to do.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Date: 4/6/2010 10:10:46 AM
Author: lulu
About 51 years ago, after 5 years of dating, my aunt told my uncle to ''sh-- or get off the pot'' and I think it''s worked out well.

Ha!

 

[blueberrydot]

I know of one couple where the woman set an ultimatum, and it was a hell of a roller coaster ride, all the way til the DAY of the wedding when the groom ambushed the bridesmaids while they were getting their hair done and told them that he couldn''t go through with it and could they pls tell the bride for him, thx!!! The shellshocked bridesmaids rounded up their husbands (who were friends with the groom) as well as the pastor and the groom''s father who all cornered him in a room and convinced him to go through with it. The bride had no idea any of this was happening - however, the night before the wedding he had called her and told her that she had forced him into this and that he might not show up the next day. I don''t understand how she could stand up at the altar with this man and say her vows and then put on a happy face for the reception when only a few hours earlier he had told her that he might NOT EVEN SHOW UP TO MARRY HER. They''re still together right now (the wedding was two years ago). I have no idea what their relationship is like now, because I am not close to them (they are my sister''s friends and she rarely sees them). I really can''t imagine that this will end well, however. What a horrific shadow over your wedding memories, for both the bride and the groom.

I can definitely understand the motivation of "s--- or get off the pot", especially if the couple has been dating for a significant amount of time and have a long history together, but I can''t imagine wanting to marry someone who had to be convinced/forced into marrying me. Perhaps it''s the idealism of my 20s and I would feel differently about this in my 30s or beyond, but I just can''t help thinking I would rather move on with my life and find someone else than be with someone who actively resisted the idea of spending the rest of his life with me

.

 

[verypatientlywaiting]

I don''t believe in giving ultimatums either...maybe that''s why I''ve been dating my current b/f for a little over 5 years now, lol. But I do believe in setting your own internal timeline & being open & honest with your partner as far as what you''re hoping for & in what kind of timeframe you''d like for it to happen...the internal timeline is good to have if you''ve been dating for a while & see that things haven''t been progressing as quickly as you''d like.
One of my friends went about it the wrong way & gave her guy an ultimatum & it backfired on her & they broke up for about a month...they ended up getting back together, discussed a timeline & he eventually proposed a few months after the timeline had passed & now they''re happily planning their wedding for this year. My other friend gave hers a timeline, & he too proposed AFTER the timeline had passed & now they''re happily married. Most guys are stubborn creatures & they will sometimes go at their own pace for whatever reason. Yes, there are some guys who don''t take their sweet ass time, but usually, guys want to be well established in their careers, want to be homeowners, want to have money saved up, etc before proposing. And then, there are some guys who are just terrified of leaving the single life & they just need a little push in the right direction.

 

[anonLIW]

I''m in a similar situation as Elrohwen''s friend. In fact, it''s so similar it''s eerie...my BF and I live in LA, and my job is moving to DC in over a year (June 2011). But I have to decide by the end of THIS May if I want to either go with my job to DC, or stay here (and be unemployed). I love my job and the company, and if I was single, would make the move (they are also offering a $40K incentive to move!). If I move to DC I''d be bound to the company and the earliest I could move back to LA is January 2014 (2+ yrs of long distance and 4 more years of waiting, agh).

BF and I have been dating for 19 months...and every time I bring the decision up, it ends up feeling like I''m pressuring him to propose, or like I''m giving him an ultimatum ("decide if you want to marry me by May or I''m moving away"). It''s not my intent, but I just feel like I need to know that we are on the track for marriage, before I make the major career and financial sacrafice to stay for him/us. Is this a fair thing to ask of him? How do I bring this up without it sounding like an ultimatum? Is 19 months long enough to know?

He just says that he "sees a future for us", and that he doesn''t want me to go...and that there are no "showstoppers" or reasons that we wouldn''t someday get married. It''s causing major stress in our relationship and always ends up in tears. But he still isn''t saying what I want to hear ("Yes, I want to marry you in the future"). What do you ladies think? Anyone ever been in a similar situation (having to make career choices or sacrafices while "just dating")?

 

[Indylady]

Date: 4/6/2010 3:52:21 PM
Author: anonLIW
Anyone ever been in a similar situation (having to make career choices or sacrafices while ''just dating'')?

Definitely. My SO and I had a similar talk at the beginning of this school year. We''re graduating at different times and we''re not sure if we''ll get into the same grad school or even get into grad school in the same area. At first we considered each going to the best school we got into, and hoping that we got into nearby schools but not basing the decision on each other; however, we felt that it really wasn''t practical for the sake of our relationship. I would only want to make a base a "life decision" on a "life partner"...so I understand entirely what you are saying. If you plan to get engaged, then I understand staying in LA for him. Otherwise...you have a hard choice to make. Saying "there isn''t a reason why I wouldn''t marry you" and "I want to marry you" are two different things; I''d prefer if he were saying the latter if I was making a big compromise to be with him.