ugh, thanksgiving drama...

[mjertl]

So, as you may (or may not) know, I got engaged last week. I am very happy. I haven't made a huge deal about it - I told my immediate family the day it happened and they've spread the word to my extended family, and I changed my "relationship status" on Facebook after coming home from vacation, which took care of announcing it to most of the other people in my life. Obviously I'm excited, but I'm not running around announcing it to people, and I'm not waving my ring around in peoples' faces unless they ask to see it.
Well, I went home for Thanksgiving. My BF couldn't come, he had to work, so it was just me. I was excited to see my family (it's been 4 months), and excited to get to share my happiness about my engagement. Again though, I didn't run around telling people at dinner that I'm engaged (they all already know), or showing them my ring - I only talked about it/showed it when people asked...
Well, one of my cousins, whom I've never been very close with for a whole variety of reasons, was there. She is about 4 or so years older than me, and she got married in July. She hasn't had the easiest life, and her relationship wasn't always the easiest either - she has 2 older kids from other relationships, and a 2 year old son with her husband. They were engaged, then called it off, then engaged, and decided to have a courthouse wedding this summer (very small - just immediate family) with plans for a bigger wedding/reception next summer. I wasn't at the wedding, but was really excited for her, it seemed like the pieces of her life were really coming together, and it seemed like she was finally very very happy. Well, a month or two after the wedding her husband was found dead, massive heart attack, even though he was fairly young and apparently healthy and active. Obviously she has been devastated since, and I think about her nearly daily, even though we are not close.
So, when people were congratulating me and looking at my ring, I felt kinda bad for her. I was very careful not to flaunt my excitement or my ring (especially because I'm very conscious of the fact that it's much bigger than most people have in the rural area where I grew up). And I mentioned to my parents and also one aunt that I felt bad... They all said that I need to be happy about my life, because her life needs to go on and she needs to adjust - everyone else's life doesn't go on hold because something (admittedly) terrible happened to her...
I just got home, and she made a comment on Facebook about how things are really tough for her right now because her cousin announced her engagement... Great, I feel terrible
Also, my mom informed me that my sister is upset because I don't want to have anyone stand up when I get married. Well, it's my wedding and I REALLY don't want people in matching outfits standing next to me and my BF when we vow to spend forever with each other - I just want a really really simple ceremony with only the two of us up there, because the wedding and marriage are about us and our love, not about everyone else's ability to color-coordinate... My BF was married before and it was a formal affair that was not him AT ALL, and we don't want that for us. His brother was his best man then -he's his only sibling, he lives 1/2 a country away, they are NOT close, and my BF's best friends are female. I just really don't want to deal with wedding-party stuff, I want it to be just me and him...
I wish people could just be excited for me without the drama. How should I handle these two situations?

 

[Sun-Shine]

It sounds like as far as your cousin is concerned you have been compassionate. Unfortunately she may just be working through her grief in her own way. I am sure in her heart she is happy for you. As far as the wedding party goes I'd politely say, "sister I love you dearly, but a bridesmaid/best man is not what we want for our wedding I hope you can respect that." Don't drag out the drama. Maybe at some point you will find a unique way to incorporate her like giving her the bouquet instead of tossing it or something along those lines. Just continue to enjoy your special time, and do it for yourselves. CONGRATS!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Aw, Im sorry... It sounds like you handled the situation perfectly, though. It sucks that your engagement brought up some sad feeling for your cousin, but it's no fault of yours. She has got to be having feelings of jealousy because you have the things she lost. I'm sure she is feeling like, "why me?!?" But she is just grieving and irrational. Just try not to take it personally.

And as far as the wedding party issue goes, I'm sure your sister will get over it. Ultimately, it's your wedding, and, thus, your decision what kind of wedding you want. She may be disappointed because she wants to be involved. Maybe you could suggest that she can be involved with helping with some planning aspects?

 

[MisakiChan]

Oh, I think you handled these situations just fine. It sounds to me as though your cousin is still grieving for her loss, so you should try to understand her, but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to be excited, happy and fulfilled about your up-coming wedding. As far as your sister is concerned, try telling her what you've told us: that you want a simple wedding, that gravitates around the promise you and you future husband will make and not some fancy, uptight thing. You just want it to come natural, it's understandable.
Anyway, congrats and the best of luck!

 

[marymm]

I also think you are handling things wonderfully - and you *should* celebrate your engagement - just remember that you cannot be responsible for other people's reactions and responses to your engagement.

Your cousin is still working through her grief, but I am certain that she is happy for you - the fact is, for her, right now, other couples' happiness are reminders of what she has lost... she cannot help what she feels but I don't think her FB statement was meant to drag you down but more as a signal to people that she is still grief-stricken. Continue to be compassionate, but remember, your cousin would not feel any better and her grief would not pass more quickly even if your SO had not recently proposed - her grief is not about you and your engagement.

And, your sister's comment to your mom? Shrug it right off! I would venture to predict it is the first of many such comments family and friends will make about your wedding plans... people always have opinions and assumptions, particularly about weddings. Your sister obviously assumed you would have the kind of wedding that included a bridal party and groomsmen. It is kind of sweet she is upset she will not be able to stand up for you, and also nice that she vented to your mom rather than put it on you - clearly she recognizes this is your wedding. Hold true to your wedding vision, but perhaps as your wedding plans develop, you will find a role for her, or maybe you'll decide that your mom and sister should wear wrist corsages matching your bouquet.

And, congratulations!

 

[mjertl]

Thanks guys...

It's just frustrating to feel like I need to censor my happiness. But I REALLY don't want to make anyone feel bad. Honestly, my cousin has really never liked me much (I've had my share of bad things happen in my life, but really I've been blessed with a lot of good fortune, whereas she's really had to deal with way more than anyone should. I've always felt like she resents me and my siblings/some of our other cousins...), and I kinda feel like she would've been standoffish at Thanksgiving even if her husband were still alive. I sent her a message last night saying it was good to see her and I felt bad feeling so happy when I know she's going through such a difficult time, but she's been in my thoughts. She sent me a message back saying it was just the worst Thanksgiving ever and she's not mad, she's just sad. Well, I should hope she's not "mad" at me for getting engaged... I know what she meant, I guess I just shouldn't worry about it too much and should continue to hope for her healing.

As for my sister, I'll see her next in person at New Years, and I'll talk to her then I guess. She and I are pretty darn close, and I would love for her to be my "Maid of Honor" and help with planning, help me out on the big day, etc. I just don't want other people standing up with us, or wearing matching outfits (yeah, I know, not all brides have their maids wear matching dresses, but you understand what I mean...) I guess maybe that would work out well, since then my BF can have his best friend be his "Best Man," even though she's female - it wouldn't seem quite as unusual, nor would his brother feel quite as snubbed. His best friend is very good friends with both of us though, whereas I've only met his brother once, and I don't think he's talked to him really since then either... I do really like the idea of having our immediate families wear corsages that match our flowers though - they are of course very special to us, we just don't want them standing up next to us! (or I don't - BF said he doesn't care, whatever I want is fine... smart man!)

 

[Amys Bling]

I think you were really consdierate and compassionate- she needs to work through her grief and come to terms... everyone can't tiptoe around her forever and contain their exciting news because of her tragedy.

In terms of your wedding, it's just that. You wedding, You sister can do a toast at the reception for you- but If you wont want a formal bridal party you dont have to have one.

 

[pregcurious]

As much as you can, continue to be compassionate to your cousin, and acknowledge our sister her disappointment, but allow yourself to realize this is your day. You only (hopefully) get married once. There are always people who will make everything about them. Don't let them get to you.

For your sister, maybe you can let her do a reading at your ceremony, or some kind of symbolic gesture recognizing her.