ugh, so frustrated - am I wrong?

[AprilBaby]

There is never a proper occasion to whine about not getting gifts.

 

[mjertl]

Thanks for all the feedback.

Yes, she is obviously still mourning (and will be still for a long time, and should be allowed to be for indefinitely if necessary). And I think what people have said about how this is probably because her life is not now where she thought it would be a year ago, is spot on to a very large extent.

When I initially posted, I was mostly looking for advice on what is customary for gift-giving when one is not invited to a wedding. When she was initially married, no one knew her husband would die a month later - when he passed it was sudden and unexpected and unfair. I guess right now I just feel sad that she is seemingly upset that people didn't give her presents for her wedding, when I know that I personally was planning on giving her a gift at the celebration I was invited to, which I couldn't have possibly known at the time would never happen. I know she is going through something so horrible that I could never imagine it, and I just don't want to contribute to her pain, even if really this complaint is a projection of her grief. Obviously I haven't expressed any frustration at all with her - like people have pointed out, she needs the love of her family right now. Her complaining about not getting gifts is not such a big deal to me, regardless of whether it's rude or OK or whatever, for me to say anything about it to her, because I do want to be respectful and supportive. I guess I was just wondering if I committed a faux pas by not giving her a gift to start with... I think everyone would agree that, husband-passing-away-aside, it's always welcome to send a gift to someone who got married but didn't invite you, but never required... Anyway, like I said, I care about her and just don't want to be making her hurt worse

Anyway, despite the fact we've never been ultra close, I wrote her a kind email, and she basically vented about how she's really grieving and feels like people (family) don't feel like she was really married, since they didn't have a huge wedding, and then he passed away before the big party. I reassured her that we all are thinking of her, and know how much they loved each other. So it seems like she and I are on OK terms. What a mess. I am glad I'm not dealing with all she is

 

[yssie]

I'm sure she appreciates your message mjertl. What a tragedy

The more I think about it the more I like the idea of maybe sending her one of your favourite books, or something you think she'd like to read... it has the added bonus of being a pre-made conversation starter for next time. She did open up to you in her email - she might like to have a reason to talk to someone like you more often

 

[VRBeauty]

Anyway, despite the fact we've never been ultra close, I wrote her a kind email, and she basically vented about how she's really grieving and feels like people (family) don't feel like she was really married, since they didn't have a huge wedding, and then he passed away before the big party. I reassured her that we all are thinking of her, and know how much they loved each other. So it seems like she and I are on OK terms. What a mess. I am glad I'm not dealing with all she is

I'm sure she appreciates that you reached out to her. Getting married is all about the future - I can't imagine how difficult it must be to seemingly have that future in hand, only to have it taken away from you just a month later.

 

[maebelle]

mjertl, your message was very sweet, and I think you did everything you should have in the situation:

So... I feel like this is both on and off topic... sorry...

I'm sort of having the opposite issue:

I plan on eloping and our friends all know this. I am not expecting any gifts, but have been "assured" (unprompted and unasked for) by at least two people that I'll still get gifts from them. Which is great, who doesn't like gifts, I'm not going to send them back or anything.

One of them went on to say that I should still register somewhere... which makes me extremely uncomfortable... I feel like registering somewhere implies to people that they should get me something.

So... what do you guys think from the other side of the coin? Should we really register somewhere so that if people ask we can send them somewhere? Or I am right in thinking that is a little weird?

 

[Haven]

mjertl, your message was very sweet, and I think you did everything you should have in the situation:

So... I feel like this is both on and off topic... sorry...

I'm sort of having the opposite issue:

I plan on eloping and our friends all know this. I am not expecting any gifts, but have been "assured" (unprompted and unasked for) by at least two people that I'll still get gifts from them. Which is great, who doesn't like gifts, I'm not going to send them back or anything.

One of them went on to say that I should still register somewhere... which makes me extremely uncomfortable... I feel like registering somewhere implies to people that they should get me something.

So... what do you guys think from the other side of the coin? Should we really register somewhere so that if people ask we can send them somewhere? Or I am right in thinking that is a little weird?

First, best wishes!!!!

I think it's completely appropriate to register. You are getting married, and the people who love you will want to give you gifts, regardless of whether you host a big event and invite them to it. This is wonderful! I send wedding gifts to people I care about when they elope because I want to show them that I care about them and am excited about their marriage. If they have a registry, it just makes it that much easier.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

mjertl, your message was very sweet, and I think you did everything you should have in the situation:

So... I feel like this is both on and off topic... sorry...

I'm sort of having the opposite issue:

I plan on eloping and our friends all know this. I am not expecting any gifts, but have been "assured" (unprompted and unasked for) by at least two people that I'll still get gifts from them. Which is great, who doesn't like gifts, I'm not going to send them back or anything.

One of them went on to say that I should still register somewhere... which makes me extremely uncomfortable... I feel like registering somewhere implies to people that they should get me something.

So... what do you guys think from the other side of the coin? Should we really register somewhere so that if people ask we can send them somewhere? Or I am right in thinking that is a little weird?

If someone you know suggested you register, then go for it! Maybe register at a more modest place with smaller items, rather than ask for expensive china or bedding. You know, more like daily stuff like regular towels so it's matching in your wedding style, which is low-key. FWIW, my dh and I eloped and we didn't register and dh's side gave us a gift (they all pooled in money for it) and then some members of my family sent gifts. I think if you register and leave it at that, if someone asks then they WANT to give you a gift or if you don't register, friends/family can still chose to send a gift if they feel like it (but don't be hurt if they don't because many may not!). Either way, things always can end up "weird." One couple I knew married in Hawaii and then came back and hosted their own co-ed wedding shower. It turned me off at the time b/c it was only a couple months after DH and I eloped and they didn't say anything to us (no congrats), and then suddenly they mailed me a card saying they were registered at X store. I probably shouldn't have taken it so personally...that was years ago though...

 

[Lotus99]

It sounds like your cousin is trying to cling on, in any way she can, to the marriage she never managed to have. By soliciting gifts, she's trying to have some physical symbol of what is never going to be. I'd assume she's still grieving, and that it's not really the gifts that she wants.

We got married while we were on vacation in Las Vegas. We didn't tell anyone until after we got married. I never expected gifts, and no one asked if we had a registry (LOL).

 

[zoebartlett]

Mjertl, I agree with others who said that your cousin is grieving and this probably isn't really about gifts.

Maebelle, I can see both sides of your situation, and I would be very reluctant to register for the same reason you mentioned. I see Haven's and MC's points though. People will want to give you a gift and choosing something a couple wants off a registry often makes things easier for them. Maybe you could do a small registry and have family members spread the word if they're asked. That way, you're not the one putting it out there, you know?

 

[maebelle]

Maebelle, I can see both sides of your situation, and I would be very reluctant to register for the same reason you mentioned. I see Haven's and MC's points though. People will want to give you a gift and choosing something a couple wants off a registry often makes things easier for them. Maybe you could do a small registry and have family members spread the word if they're asked. That way, you're not the one putting it out there, you know?

Thanks for the clarity guys. Maybe I'll register at Target and only give out the information if asked specifically.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Maebelle, I can see both sides of your situation, and I would be very reluctant to register for the same reason you mentioned. I see Haven's and MC's points though. People will want to give you a gift and choosing something a couple wants off a registry often makes things easier for them. Maybe you could do a small registry and have family members spread the word if they're asked. That way, you're not the one putting it out there, you know?

Thanks for the clarity guys. Maybe I'll register at Target and only give out the information if asked specifically.

Target would be the perfect place to register at! Lots of selection and very low-key.