Ugh family/wedding/money question

[natascha]

Need advice, I have no clue what to do.

My fiance's cousin is getting married and they have asked for money for the honeymoon. I have no problem giving money and actually prefer it. Thing is I was taught to give enough money to cover the cost of your dinner but here in Sweden you don't usually give as much. In order to avoid an awkward situation with the ILs (us giving to much money compared to what my SOs parents give) I asked my fiance to ask how much they were going to give. They just kept telling him that we would talk about it later.

Well apparently the parents have now decided how much we were going to give and have already transferred the money into the bridal account . Now comes the issue, the parents only put in $20 from us (and the same amount from his single brother and $50 from them). The sons are both working, not living at home and are 27 and 24 years old.

I think $20 is embarrassing, over here a small bouquet of flowers costs that. We usually give at special birthdays (such as 50) at least $50 so I find $20 for a wedding to be shameful (since we all have the possibility to give more).

One thing thou is that we have to drive a bit for the wedding so gas will be $120 (for us two) and a hotel room will be $160 (my SO mother did not want to stay in the cheaper hostel that would have been $60 ).

What on earth do I do? If we put in more money into the account it will just be extremely awkward and could become a big issue, but I just really dislike giving only $20 for two people (I am not even gonna go in to the subliminal message of us two giving $20 and his single brother also giving $20, funny thing is that for gas I apparently exist and we are splitting the cost by 5).

 

[Ravenne]

I would put cash in a card and give them that at the wedding. I wouldn't say it was a supplement, but just say in the card that it's for their honeymoon expenses (maybe for souvenirs that can't be paid for with a card), who it's from and leave it at that.

If it's ever brought up again, I'd say that you just wanted to give them something yourself.

I would leave the bridal account alone though...

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't understand why your SO's parents have an account for the gift. Why can't you and your SO give what you're comfortable with and his parents do the same? Then it won't be an issue.

 

[natascha]

I don't understand why your SO's parents have an account for the gift. Why can't you and your SO give what you're comfortable with and his parents do the same? Then it won't be an issue.

Its not their account, over here you don't give cash. The happy couple create a bank account and then people transfer their monetary gifts. So his parents have already transferred the sum with the comment that it is from us five. I have no clue why they decided to do this, we have never discussed it, my SO and I live together in our own apartment and received our own invitation here.

 

[Enerchi]

Natascha, I would go ahead and transfer your own amount directly to the bride and groom and sort of pretend that you didn't know what the IL's had already done. The amount they gave seems exceptionally paltry by your explanation. By you giving from the 2 of you, that A) establishes the two of you as your own entity/couple and B) helps bring the monetary gift more in line with what the standard is in your country.

To me --- and not familiar with the local customs --- but that just seems CHEAP of your IL's! More of a 'dis' than a positive gesture.

 

[natascha]

I would put cash in a card and give them that at the wedding. I wouldn't say it was a supplement, but just say in the card that it's for their honeymoon expenses (maybe for souvenirs that can't be paid for with a card), who it's from and leave it at that.

If it's ever brought up again, I'd say that you just wanted to give them something yourself.

I would leave the bridal account alone though...

This would be a great idea if it were not that people won't give cards. We don't use cash all that much over here, many never use cash, buses won't accept cash (you either have a card or you get an sms (don't know if that right for English, a cellphone message) ticket), even for vending machines you use your cellphone, a lot of bank don't even have nor accept cash.

I guess that what worries me with taking this route is a possible fallout with my SO mother. We have a good relationship now, as in we interact socially, hug and like each other but we don't talk about important stuff. In fact she will wait until I am not there and then talk with my SO. I seriously dislike that but I don't know what to do (oh and we have been together going on 6 years and I used to be at there house every weekend in the beginning).

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't understand why your SO's parents have an account for the gift. Why can't you and your SO give what you're comfortable with and his parents do the same? Then it won't be an issue.

Its not their account, over here you don't give cash. The happy couple create a bank account and then people transfer their monetary gifts. So his parents have already transferred the sum with the comment that it is from us five. I have no clue why they decided to do this, we have never discussed it, my SO and I live together in our own apartment and received our own invitation here.

Oh okay, I get it. I thought by "bridal account" you meant that your SO's parents had set up a special account. I didn't realize it's common for the couple to create an account of their own. I've never heard of that before. I'd put whatever amount you feel comfortable giving into the couple's account on behalf of your SO and yourself. You don't need to tell your SO's parents you did it, but if it comes up, you can just say that you preferred to give a different amount than what they had deposited.

ETA: I should have just dittoed Enerchi's post. She said it much better than I did.

 

[natascha]

Natascha, I would go ahead and transfer your own amount directly to the bride and groom and sort of pretend that you didn't know what the IL's had already done. The amount they gave seems exceptionally paltry by your explanation. By you giving from the 2 of you, that A) establishes the two of you as your own entity/couple and B) helps bring the monetary gift more in line with what the standard is in your country.

To me --- and not familiar with the local customs --- but that just seems CHEAP of your IL's! More of a 'dis' than a positive gesture.

I wish I had asked this question two hours ago. So has already told his mom that he thinks the amount is too low (over MSN ) she did not respond to that but did post about another thing after receiving that message so she saw it. I agree that it is cheap and feels more like an insult than a present.


Zoe- thing is if we put in more money and they find out, things would hit the fan. Of course his mom believes that everything her baby boy does that goes against what she said is my fault. Also she won't even talk to me about stuff like that, instead she talks about it to my SO putting him in the middle.

Like when we were moving in together she tried to convince him that we should pay half each of the rent. Never mind that I am a student and live on less than half of what he makes and that the reason why we got this apartment was because he wanted a two bedroom apartment so that he can have his own computer room. Oh and a couple of months ago, when I was not there, she was asking him how he will feel in the future, when I make a lot more money than him. That we will feel like he is worth less than me because of that .

 

[Rhea]

I don't understand why the in-laws would ever find out what you gave. Surely the account isn't set up so that people can see who deposited what amount? And couple surely wouldn't be tactless enough to mention the amounts at the wedding or after. Give what you want, agreed with your DH, and don't mention it to your in-laws at all. Or if your DH tells in-laws everything (I tell my mother nearly everything!) and you have separate accounts, just give whatever you want.

When we got married we asked for cash. Only my husband and I knew exactly who gave what. We thanked everyone the same if we were ever in public by thanking them for their attendance and sharing our joyous occasion with us. We had several people who didn't give gifts at all and a couple who gave hundreds.

 

[Enerchi]

It sounds like this FMIL has control issues!!!

My own flotilla of red flags flew up when she contributed for the two of you. You are a COUPLE! you aren't two of her little children and this is a birthday gift to a distant relative you rarely see... ! If you and your SO received a separate invitation, you can gift separately as well. I'm just seeing a flashing neon banner with the word "CONTROL FREAK" on it --- I'm hoping I'm wrong....

Is there anything wrong with you two deciding to just generously give to the bride and grooms wedding fund? Is there a protocol that once an amount has been given---that's *IT*?? That seems odd. Can you give a gift card for something else (I realize you said that money is the gift of choice in your location) but can you give a basket of wine, or garden stuff, or home decor gift card ... anything else?

 

[zoebartlett]

Well, yes, she does appear to have a few control issues. I would still do what you'd like and try not to worry about how she may react if she finds out. She doesn't need to find out though. It's between you and your SO how much you choose to give the couple. If she overracts, that's her issue and not yours. I'm not sure what else you can do.

 

[minousbijoux]

Not that I disagree with the advice that has been given, because if I were in your shoes I would be mortified and embarrassed too. But the betrothed couple must know something about her if she is the Aunt to one of the soon to be marrieds? I know it makes you feel like you're in a terrible spot, but doesn't this reflect badly on the MIL and not you and your fiance? Is there any way you can either give them a prefunded card (instead of cash) when you see them, or grit your teeth and let the MIL take the flak for this? I don't see how you can add any more to their account now without further alienating your MIL. Honestly, whose good side is it more important for you to stay on, the MIL, or the cousins? Excuse me for sounding so harsh, with that last question, but it seems like your stuck. If your SO doesn't make an issue of it, how can you?

 

[Porridge]

I don't understand why the in-laws would ever find out what you gave. Surely the account isn't set up so that people can see who deposited what amount? And couple surely wouldn't be tactless enough to mention the amounts at the wedding or after. Give what you want, agreed with your DH, and don't mention it to your in-laws at all. Or if your DH tells in-laws everything (I tell my mother nearly everything!) and you have separate accounts, just give whatever you want.

This. It's not a huge issue. You are adults.

 

[natascha]

I don't understand why the in-laws would ever find out what you gave. Surely the account isn't set up so that people can see who deposited what amount? And couple surely wouldn't be tactless enough to mention the amounts at the wedding or after. Give what you want, agreed with your DH, and don't mention it to your in-laws at all. Or if your DH tells in-laws everything (I tell my mother nearly everything!) and you have separate accounts, just give whatever you want.

When we got married we asked for cash. Only my husband and I knew exactly who gave what. We thanked everyone the same if we were ever in public by thanking them for their attendance and sharing our joyous occasion with us. We had several people who didn't give gifts at all and a couple who gave hundreds.

On one side my So usually tells his parents everything but I am more worried about the cousin. I have only met her once ( a few months ago) and she got drunk and tried to snog me when both my fiance and hers were in the room . She and her grandmother are really close and don't seem to get along with my SOs mother so I have no idea what might happen.

It sounds like this FMIL has control issues!!!

My own flotilla of red flags flew up when she contributed for the two of you. You are a COUPLE! you aren't two of her little children and this is a birthday gift to a distant relative you rarely see... ! If you and your SO received a separate invitation, you can gift separately as well. I'm just seeing a flashing neon banner with the word "CONTROL FREAK" on it --- I'm hoping I'm wrong....

Is there anything wrong with you two deciding to just generously give to the bride and grooms wedding fund? Is there a protocol that once an amount has been given---that's *IT*?? That seems odd. Can you give a gift card for something else (I realize you said that money is the gift of choice in your location) but can you give a basket of wine, or garden stuff, or home decor gift card ... anything else?

Funniest thing is that they transferred the money and have now asked for us to give them the $20.

Yeah she can be a bit like that. When my SO moved out on his own (we decided to experience living alone before we moved in together) we were going to go shopping at IKEA. Since we were planning to move in together half a year later we wanted to choose the things together. When she found out she convinced him to go with her the day before he was going to go with me, "just to look". Once there she proceeded to convince him what he should buy. When it came to the bed linen she wanted a set that my SO knew I would hate which he told her. She then told him that if he choose that particular set she would pay for it. When he did move and he and I had organised the things in the kitchen, she came one day when I was not there and reorganized everything .

I think we will have to talk with her about this situation. Through this thread I have found that what scares me is a fallout with her.

 

[natascha]

Well, yes, she does appear to have a few control issues. I would still do what you'd like and try not to worry about how she may react if she finds out. She doesn't need to find out though. It's between you and your SO how much you choose to give the couple. If she overracts, that's her issue and not yours. I'm not sure what else you can do.

Thank you for your sweet comments, it helps .

Not that I disagree with the advice that has been given, because if I were in your shoes I would be mortified and embarrassed too. But the betrothed couple must know something about her if she is the Aunt to one of the soon to be marrieds? I know it makes you feel like you're in a terrible spot, but doesn't this reflect badly on the MIL and not you and your fiance? Is there any way you can either give them a prefunded card (instead of cash) when you see them, or grit your teeth and let the MIL take the flak for this? I don't see how you can add any more to their account now without further alienating your MIL. Honestly, whose good side is it more important for you to stay on, the MIL, or the cousins? Excuse me for sounding so harsh, with that last question, but it seems like your stuck. If your SO doesn't make an issue of it, how can you?

Great questions, I guess it comes down to me worrying about my MIL (since my SO always ends up in the middle and that creates tension for us) and me feeling that what she did is wrong. I wish I could talk to her face to face before the wedding. My SO wants to talk to her, but she has already gone to bed (night time over here).

I don't understand why the in-laws would ever find out what you gave. Surely the account isn't set up so that people can see who deposited what amount? And couple surely wouldn't be tactless enough to mention the amounts at the wedding or after. Give what you want, agreed with your DH, and don't mention it to your in-laws at all. Or if your DH tells in-laws everything (I tell my mother nearly everything!) and you have separate accounts, just give whatever you want.

This. It's not a huge issue. You are adults.

Ha ha so true even though it does not always feel like it.

 

[Rhea]

I don't understand why the in-laws would ever find out what you gave. Surely the account isn't set up so that people can see who deposited what amount? And couple surely wouldn't be tactless enough to mention the amounts at the wedding or after. Give what you want, agreed with your DH, and don't mention it to your in-laws at all. Or if your DH tells in-laws everything (I tell my mother nearly everything!) and you have separate accounts, just give whatever you want.

When we got married we asked for cash. Only my husband and I knew exactly who gave what. We thanked everyone the same if we were ever in public by thanking them for their attendance and sharing our joyous occasion with us. We had several people who didn't give gifts at all and a couple who gave hundreds.

On one side my So usually tells his parents everything but I am more worried about the cousin. I have only met her once ( a few months ago) and she got drunk and tried to snog me when both my fiance and hers were in the room . She and her grandmother are really close and don't seem to get along with my SOs mother so I have no idea what might happen.

I get that you're concerned. But I think you're over thinking it. It's not like the cousin is going to drunk dial your MIL and say "Natasha gave me $xx behind your back, you cheapsake b1tch."

Yeah, the woman tried to snog you - I don't know the circumstances, but that's quite different from trying to sabotage your relationship with your in-laws. Chances are that if she gets another packet of money with your names signed to it, she'll know what's going on. She'll either assume that your MIL will forever be giving gifts from "her family", no matter how old her children are (one of my aunt's does this) or she'll assume that you know the amount and wanted to give more.

 

[amc80]

I guess I don't see why this is such a big issue- your SO's mom overstepped boundaries and gave someone a wedding present on your behalf. Which she shouldn't have done. All you want to do is simply correct the problem. If she freaks out of this, then I'd seriously consider whether or not you want to have to deal with her for the rest of your life.

Oh, and if she somehow finds out that you gave more, I'd be more mad at the cousin than anyone. It's nobody's business who gave what.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I would make your own deposit In to the account from you and your SO. If your MIL ever found out about it all you need to say is that since you and your SO recieved your own separate invitation to the wedding, it was appropriate for you to give a seperate gift.

Your MIL sounds pretty controlling. To me this would be a great opportunity to start standing up for yourself and let her know what is and isnt appropriate behavoiur when it comes to you and your SO. If you let things like this slide now, things will only become a lot worse when you and your SO get engaged, married and start a family. (trust me, my MIL would love to control what we eat for dinner every night if I let her). It's easier to start with the smaller issues first)

 

[Enerchi]

I would make your own deposit In to the account from you and your SO. If your MIL ever found out about it all you need to say is that since you and your SO recieved your own separate invitation to the wedding, it was appropriate for you to give a seperate gift.

Your MIL sounds pretty controlling. To me this would be a great opportunity to start standing up for yourself and let her know what is and isnt appropriate behavoiur when it comes to you and your SO. If you let things like this slide now, things will only become a lot worse when you and your SO get engaged, married and start a family. (trust me, my MIL would love to control what we eat for dinner every night if I let her). It's easier to start with the smaller issues first)

That cracked me up!!
I know we all like to have input on things but I just don't get how some people are THAT into what others do. I'm definitely blessed that I have a wonderful MIL.

 

[amc80]

Your MIL sounds pretty controlling. To me this would be a great opportunity to start standing up for yourself and let her know what is and isnt appropriate behavoiur when it comes to you and your SO. If you let things like this slide now, things will only become a lot worse when you and your SO get engaged, married and start a family. (trust me, my MIL would love to control what we eat for dinner every night if I let her). It's easier to start with the smaller issues first)

Agreed. And I also think this is a good opportunity for your SO to stand up to his mom.

 

[minousbijoux]

Natascha: I am truly sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like the family has, umm, "issues." I pray that with time, the right circumstance and love (and good training by you ), your FMIL will become more understanding or reasonable or, at the very least, respectful of boundaries. I keep thinking optimistically that I must be understanding people like your FMIL, because there can't be that many crazy, insecure, self-centered control freaks out there, can there?

 

[distracts]

I guess I don't see why this is such a big issue- your SO's mom overstepped boundaries and gave someone a wedding present on your behalf. Which she shouldn't have done. All you want to do is simply correct the problem. If she freaks out of this, then I'd seriously consider whether or not you want to have to deal with her for the rest of your life.

I agree with this. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because SHE did something she shouldn't have. That's not your problem, or your partner's problem, it's his mother's problem.

I also agree with Hawaiianorangetree that it is going to be easier for you guys to start setting boundaries now than later on in your relationship, once his parents are even more used to railroading over you.

If you are worried about fallout, and this sort of thing is a pattern with her, you need to consider that falling out with her may be inevitable. It may be better to test things out with this smaller issue now than to let resentment build up even more until you explode over some other issue in the future.

 

[MissStepcut]

I wonder if there's something between the MIL and the bride, or the MIL and the bride's parents, that you don't know about. Because I also find it to be an insulting gift. Have to wonder if insult was, indeed, intended. That might also explain her insistence on a "group gift," so she can send a united message from her clan.

 

[Gypsy]

Several thoughts.

1. Your future mother in law is opinionated, has issues with boundaries, and likes control. I'm betting when she got involved with her husband she made LOTS changes and had opinions about everything. So of course she attributes the changes in her son to you. BUT that doesn't mean it's wrong that you are influencing him. You need to change your mindset: couples grow together, learn from each other, and compromise for each other and make decisions as a unit with both people giving input. That's healthy. There's nothing wrong with what you are doing. Don't let anyone make you feel differently. She's just threatened. And she has a right to be-- she likes things as they are and they are changing, she's had all this control and now it's being taken away. That still doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. If she gripes about your influence to your SO, his response should be "Mother, did you do any different with dad?"

2. You and SO need to discuss the fact that money and finances are a boundary he needs to set with his mother. Who pays what rent, what you gift to people, and how much anyone makes is now outside of acceptable conversational topics. Period. "Mother I will not be discussing finances with you, they are private." And then when she pushes it he stays firm that it's a private matter between the two of you and that it is off limits for her conversation, comments, inquiry, curiosity. That goes for everything. How much did you pay for that blouse, to how much did that TV cost you, to how much was the ring, what hotel you stay at, what car you drive, what events you attend and which ones you don't. The ONLY time she gets a say in anything financial is when she has an actual financial stake in it and it is appropriate for her to do so (this gift giving was not appropriate-- you should never have even asked for her opinion you should have discussed it as a couple determined what you both felt was right and made a deposit that reflected that decision) as determined by YOU. If she is paying or contributing then she gets a say. Otherwise, you are adults and it is a private matter. Treat it like sex.

3. Give the gift you feel is appropriate. This is the time to set that financial boundary. When the sh*t hits the fan the proper response is: It's a decision we made together, it's not appropriate for you to comment on it as it is none of your business and private between the two of us, and in the future we will handle these matters together without your assistance or input.

4. Your MIL should NOT deal with you. It is proper she deals with her son. She is doing the right thing. He just needs to learn to stand up to her and to start setting and enforcing boundaries. That is properly his job, and that is NOT for you to do. Encourage and coach him but ultimately he needs to earn his big boy pants here and you can't do it for him.

 

[distracts]

If she gripes about your influence to your SO, his response should be "Mother, did you do any different with dad?"

I haven't run into the sort of situation where I would need to use that line, but I am DEFINITELY remembering it for the future.

 

[Gypsy]

If she gripes about your influence to your SO, his response should be "Mother, did you do any different with dad?"

I haven't run into the sort of situation where I would need to use that line, but I am DEFINITELY remembering it for the future.

 

[Enerchi]

Several thoughts.

1. Your future mother in law is opinionated, has issues with boundaries, and likes control. I'm betting when she got involved with her husband she made LOTS changes and had opinions about everything. So of course she attributes the changes in her son to you. BUT that doesn't mean it's wrong that you are influencing him. You need to change your mindset: couples grow together, learn from each other, and compromise for each other and make decisions as a unit with both people giving input. That's healthy. There's nothing wrong with what you are doing. Don't let anyone make you feel differently. She's just threatened. And she has a right to be-- she likes things as they are and they are changing, she's had all this control and now it's being taken away. That still doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. If she gripes about your influence to your SO, his response should be "Mother, did you do any different with dad?"

2. You and SO need to discuss the fact that money and finances are a boundary he needs to set with his mother. Who pays what rent, what you gift to people, and how much anyone makes is now outside of acceptable conversational topics. Period. "Mother I will not be discussing finances with you, they are private." And then when she pushes it he stays firm that it's a private matter between the two of you and that it is off limits for her conversation, comments, inquiry, curiosity. That goes for everything. How much did you pay for that blouse, to how much did that TV cost you, to how much was the ring, what hotel you stay at, what car you drive, what events you attend and which ones you don't. The ONLY time she gets a say in anything financial is when she has an actual financial stake in it and it is appropriate for her to do so (this gift giving was not appropriate-- you should never have even asked for her opinion you should have discussed it as a couple determined what you both felt was right and made a deposit that reflected that decision) as determined by YOU. If she is paying or contributing then she gets a say. Otherwise, you are adults and it is a private matter. Treat it like sex.

3. Give the gift you feel is appropriate. This is the time to set that financial boundary. When the sh*t hits the fan the proper response is: It's a decision we made together, it's not appropriate for you to comment on it as it is none of your business and private between the two of us, and in the future we will handle these matters together without your assistance or input.

4. Your MIL should NOT deal with you. It is proper she deals with her son. She is doing the right thing. He just needs to learn to stand up to her and to start setting and enforcing boundaries. That is properly his job, and that is NOT for you to do. Encourage and coach him but ultimately he needs to earn his big boy pants here and you can't do it for him.

+1,000,000,000 to what Gypsy has written. (could that be too excessive?? ) This is so well said. Its 4 cases of limits - and now is the time to be setting them.

Gypsy, does it hurt to be this clever??? You really are on fire these last few days - I've loved everything you've been posting!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Aside from all the obvious issues with his mother, why would you want to give this girl any more of a gift? She sounds like someone to avoid, to me.

 

[Gypsy]

Gypsy, does it hurt to be this clever??? You really are on fire these last few days - I've loved everything you've been posting!!!

ROFLMAO!

*cackling*

I've been a 'let's just cut to the chase' mood. Enjoy it while it lasts. I have many moods and not all of them are constructive. There are several "dear god NO she did NOT just go there" moods too. It's like multiple personality disorder... only it's all just MOODY ME! And I suck at editing myself.

LOL. My poor DH lives with it. Somehow.

((HUGS)) sweetie.

 

[Enerchi]

I'm definitely enjoying this 'mood' you are in! (and bless your DH for putting up with your multiple personalities!!!)