Ugh family/wedding/money question

[StacylikesSparkles]

Gypsy, does it hurt to be this clever??? You really are on fire these last few days - I've loved everything you've been posting!!!

ROFLMAO!

*cackling*

I've been a 'let's just cut to the chase' mood. Enjoy it while it lasts. I have many moods and not all of them are constructive. There are several "dear god NO she did NOT just go there" moods too. It's like multiple personality disorder... only it's all just MOODY ME! And I suck at editing myself.

LOL. My poor DH lives with it. Somehow.

((HUGS)) sweetie.

I personally LOVE the 'let's just cut to the chase' mood! I'm the same way and it creates so many LESS problems!

 

[Pandora II]

To give you an idea what we give/were given as monetary gifts in the UK (and this is considering a social group where everyone is a higher-rate taxpayer in an established career).

Relatives and close friends gave between £100 and £50 per couple.

I'm more likely to buy something than give money, but if it specifically requested then we would normally give around £50 between us as that is also our gift-buying budget.

When I lived in Italy and went to weddings (similar social group) the ex and I would spend around £80 between us.

The idea of covering the amount you cost seems very odd to me - weddings are a celebration where you host your friends and family, not for making money or breaking even.


Re MIL, get your SO to call her and say that you have already made your contribution. I would also want/require him to be majorly stepping up on boundary setting and I suggest you start drawing fences too or you may find things very difficult later on... kids are a nightmare with non-boundary-respecting ILs!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

One thing thou is that we have to drive a bit for the wedding so gas will be $120 (for us two) and a hotel room will be $160 (my SO mother did not want to stay in the cheaper hostel that would have been $60 ).

What on earth do I do? If we put in more money into the account it will just be extremely awkward and could become a big issue, but I just really dislike giving only $20 for two people (I am not even gonna go in to the subliminal message of us two giving $20 and his single brother also giving $20, funny thing is that for gas I apparently exist and we are splitting the cost by 5).

Please excuse me for asking, because I do not understand: if you and your husband want to stay in the hostel, why are you staying in a different (and more expensive) hotel than you wanted? Are you sharing a bedroom with them? Is there something I'm missing, for instance, are you and your husband young students who live with his parents and cannot yet independently support yourselves?

 

[MissStepcut]

To give you an idea what we give/were given as monetary gifts in the UK (and this is considering a social group where everyone is a higher-rate taxpayer in an established career).

Relatives and close friends gave between £100 and £50 per couple.

I'm more likely to buy something than give money, but if it specifically requested then we would normally give around £50 between us as that is also our gift-buying budget.

When I lived in Italy and went to weddings (similar social group) the ex and I would spend around £80 between us.

The idea of covering the amount you cost seems very odd to me - weddings are a celebration where you host your friends and family, not for making money or breaking even.


Re MIL, get your SO to call her and say that you have already made your contribution. I would also want/require him to be majorly stepping up on boundary setting and I suggest you start drawing fences too or you may find things very difficult later on... kids are a nightmare with non-boundary-respecting ILs!

I am in the "I at least try to cover my plate" camp. While I certainly appreciate that it is a celebration and that I am being hosted, the couple is starting a new life together, and I am happy to help them begin that new life recouping what they scrimped and saved to put on a wedding, through cash or gifts they've asked for to set up their household. I realize that people get married at different ages, states of financial security, and finance their weddings in different ways, but that's my perspective on it generally. It has to do with the stage people are in their lives when they get married. Very different than, say, when I am going to a dinner party. I certainly don't try to cover the cost of my dinner ingredients through my bottle of wine!

 

[Gypsy]

I hate cover your plate. It makes me see red. I ONLY do it for my nieces and for DH's first cousins. I was not raised with it, but my DH was so we compromise.

Here's my perspective. It's not MY decision where you plan your wedding-- I give money for NJ/NY weddings cause it's what is expected but I only give the amount I feel is correct based on who it is, and how close I am to them (not by blood, but by relationship) because I'm not funding your wedding choices. And it makes NO sense for me to give a couple that I am friends with casually, getting married at the Plaza, 250 a head (so 500 for the two of us), then when my DH's best friend gets married at the Ramada for 125 a head (so 250 for the two of us) I give him LESS? NO logic IMO. My MIL actually CALLS the venue and asks how much per head the couple is spending so she can get it right. That's just insanity to me.

We give a flat 400 to neices and first cousins. Everyone else gets something like 75-250 from us depending on who they are and how well we know them.

And I do give gifts if I am invited and can't attend. As long as it's someone I feel close to. If I feel like it's just a greedy gift grab invite then I just send a card.

 

[MissStepcut]

I hear what you're saying Gypsy, but I see it as an approximate floor and not a ceiling, so I wouldn't let it limit me from giving a more generous gift to someone I am close to just because they're having a wedding back home in Iowa, and I suppose wouldn't feel obligated to go over my general appropriate gift range just because someone had a particularly opulent venue (hasn't come up yet). Yes, people make the choice to have their wedding wherever they decide to, but that doesn't change my feeling on wanting to make them whole.

 

[Pandora II]

I guess it's possibly a cultural thing. In the UK it is no way a consideration at all.

In general, money is not a particularly usual gift - people usually have a registry with most things priced around the £20-£60 mark. One couple did a honeymoon registry but you could purchase specific 'experiences' for them rather than just random £.

What happens if you are invited to 10 weddings in one year? At £250 a couple (what it probably costs in a London hotel) that is £2.5k on wedding gifts which is totally not affordable on top of travel, hotels, outfits (new hat). Should you give less to the couple having a wedding in a marquee in the parent's garden than to the couple who hire the Natural History Museum?

You should plan a wedding that is within your means - it shouldn't lead to starting married life with massive debts. If it would then you need to rethink your choices.

Amongst my social group, it is very normal for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding even in their 30's - should they get less because it's not costing the couple anything?

DH and I have an account where we put a small amount aside every month to eventually pay for our daughter's wedding - my parents did the same for my sisters and me - for us it's a farewell gift as she starts her own family and saving from when she's tiny means that there is no huge suprise bill - putting away as little as £5 a week each will give us nearly £14k by the time she is of average marriage age.

 

[Rebecca0388]

The situation you are in sounds like something straight out of Everybody Loves Raymond!

I also use the "cover the cost of your plate" as a rule when giving a gift for a wedding but of course many other factors influence the final amount that you actually give. As an example my mum was invited at the last minute to a friends daughters wedding that she had never met. It was basically to make up numbers or it would go to waste. It was at a very expensive waterfront venue on darling harbour but because of the situation she gave $50 more out of politeness. After the wedding it got back to her that she was stingy because of the amount given!

It's always hard with weddings and I feel sorry for the situation your stuck in! But this is always going to be the situation and unfortunately something we have to deal with for our loved ones.

If it was me I would put in an amount from the two of you and if it happens to come up, just say it was your SO's idea

Just know your not alone or crazy haha it may seem like its not a big deal to some people but when it's a day to day occurrence in your life it's not something that is easy to ignore. (my best friends MIL kicks them out of bed every Sunday to wash there sheets!)

I hope you work everything out

 

[Rhea]

because of the situation she gave $50 more out of politeness. After the wedding it got back to her that she was stingy because of the amount given!

I don't understand. Is it my family (not very well off) or my social group? People really give hundreds for weddings?

At my weddings a few years ago, not including us, there were 48 in attendance in the US and 30 in England. Very few people (5) attended both. About 10-12 people gave us nothing except a card. This included a couple of aunts, friends, and a couple of close family friends. Other gifts ranged from $20 - $150 from a couple or family with most around the $40 mark.

$50 doesn't seem stingy to me. She attended as a single person, invited at the last minute to fill space, and she didn't know the couple very well. What ever happened to wanting to share in the couple's joy? I was just thrilled that people attended to celebrate with us! I hope I didn't make anybody feel bad about what they gave or didn't give. I invited to them a celebration. Gifts are nice, but not expected!

 

[Gypsy]

Yes, my step-uncle at ours gave us a check for 1000. We called him and said he thought he made a mistake. That night, after we recovered from the shock. But he said no mistake, and Congratulations. He has 5 kids though, and my parents have attended each wedding and given them nice presents, and I'm an only child so... I kinda got really lucky. From all of DH's family (including extended family invited) we got 400 cash per couple, plus extra if they were paying for their kids too. They all traveled from NJ for our wedding so they had flight and accommodation. We didn't accept monetary gifts from the kids directly even if they were of age to do so, of course. (We reciprocate in kind, of course, this is why always give 400 to our nieces and will to our nephew and to DH's first cousins). And many of our guests gave us cash or give cards and 200 wasn't unusual at all. We did register, as that is what's common in my family, and most of the gifts were in the 100-200 range. And I still got flack for not registering for enough high ticket things and so people apparently had to buy multiple smaller ticket items we had put on our registry. No one bought us knives, except one friend who knew I wanted them. Those were the only high ticket items no one touched, and I guess there is a superstition about them that explains that. We even got the wine chiller I laughed hysterically for DH at for putting on the registry.

However, in the event of Rebecca's mom being invited as a 'filler guest' I probably wouldn't have gifted more than 75 dollars total myself. And the flack she got is why cover your plate ticks me off. I personally wouldn't even have expected a gift. Much less an expensive one. We did have one 'filler' guest at our wedding. She gave me a lovely gift, and it was so unexpected I was very touched. And a week after, at her wedding, though I was too sick to attend I did make sure send her a nice gift as well.

 

[sonnyjane]

because of the situation she gave $50 more out of politeness. After the wedding it got back to her that she was stingy because of the amount given!

I don't understand. Is it my family (not very well off) or my social group? People really give hundreds for weddings?

At my weddings a few years ago, not including us, there were 48 in attendance in the US and 30 in England. Very few people (5) attended both. About 10-12 people gave us nothing except a card. This included a couple of aunts, friends, and a couple of close family friends. Other gifts ranged from $20 - $150 from a couple or family with most around the $40 mark.

$50 doesn't seem stingy to me. She attended as a single person, invited at the last minute to fill space, and she didn't know the couple very well. What ever happened to wanting to share in the couple's joy? I was just thrilled that people attended to celebrate with us! I hope I didn't make anybody feel bad about what they gave or didn't give. I invited to them a celebration. Gifts are nice, but not expected!

Yeah, in that situation, I think $50 is fine.

I'm 28, and in my social circle, I'd say for a close friend, it's about $100, either in the form of a gift card or picking item(s) from their registry that add to up $100. I've attended a few weddings of my husband's co-workers recently where I was merely an acquaintance and those gifts were in the $50 range as a joint gift from me and DH. Sorry but if I've only met you ONCE (as was the case in those $50 weddings), I think $50 is more than enough as a gift.

 

[MissStepcut]

Yes, my step-uncle at ours gave us a check for 1000. We called him and said he thought he made a mistake. That night, after we recovered from the shock. But he said no mistake, and Congratulations. He has 5 kids though, and my parents have attended each wedding and given them nice presents, and I'm an only child so... I kinda got really lucky. From all of DH's family (including extended family invited) we got 400 cash per couple, plus extra if they were paying for their kids too. They all traveled from NJ for our wedding so they had flight and accommodation. We didn't accept monetary gifts from the kids directly even if they were of age to do so, of course. (We reciprocate in kind, of course, this is why always give 400 to our nieces and will to our nephew and to DH's first cousins). And many of our guests gave us cash or give cards and 200 wasn't unusual at all. We did register, as that is what's common in my family, and most of the gifts were in the 100-200 range. And I still got flack for not registering for enough high ticket things and so people apparently had to buy multiple smaller ticket items we had put on our registry. No one bought us knives, except one friend who knew I wanted them. Those were the only high ticket items no one touched, and I guess there is a superstition about them that explains that. We even got the wine chiller I laughed hysterically for DH at for putting on the registry.

However, in the event of Rebecca's mom being invited as a 'filler guest' I probably wouldn't have gifted more than 75 dollars total myself. And the flack she got is why cover your plate ticks me off. I personally wouldn't even have expected a gift. Much less an expensive one. We did have one 'filler' guest at our wedding. She gave me a lovely gift, and it was so unexpected I was very touched. And a week after, at her wedding, though I was too sick to attend I did make sure send her a nice gift as well.

Oh daaaang it. I remember this rule, but the knifes are what I wanted most!

 

[Gypsy]

No one bought us knives, except one friend who knew I wanted them. Those were the only high ticket items no one touched, and I guess there is a superstition about them that explains that. .

Oh daaaang it. I remember this rule, but the knifes are what I wanted most!

Register at a place that has them, ask for gift cards. Buy knives. That was our solution.

 

[amc80]

Register at a place that has them, ask for gift cards. Buy knives. That was our solution.

You can be given knives but you'll have to "pay" for them...so stick $1 in with the thank you card...that way it's not a gift.

 

[pregcurious]

Gypsy's answer is perfect. My MIL has boundary and control issues. She been made aware of it and that I don't care for it. It makes things uncomfortable for everyone, but it's MUCH better than when she was trying to run roughshod over me and I was taking the brunt of it. People like this need to get a life.