Two More Years

[mariewest]

My SO has been having some problems with his car lately. He went to drive to his Dad''s over the weekend which is about two and a half hours away and it broke down twice on him. After talking with the guys at the auto shop, he has decided it would be more benefical to trade in his current car (with is a 98 dodge neon) and get a newer car that is more reliable.

Well, this pretty much smashed all hopes of getting engaged by the end of August like I was hoping. SO is moving to CT for grad. school and I have told him since we first started talking about marriage a year and a half ago that I would prefer to be engaged before making any major moves. After talking about it with him, he pretty much said that it would have to wait for another two years when he graduates grad. school. The program that he will be in does not give any time to work for profit and therefore won''t be able to save up much until he''s done. He asked me if I will wait for him, and I said I would. I still plan on moving out there with him as well.

I was hoping to get married around 2011 instead of just getting proposed by then, so I''m a little depressed about it. I know I need to push the thoughts of weddings and enagements to the back of my mind for the next two years, but it''s going to be difficult. Especially since it seems like so many people I know are getting engaged and getting married. I know not to compaire myself to others, but it still hurts.

Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[purselover]

**Aww sending hugs your way**

I''m sorry you''re feeling so down, it''s always disappointing when unexpected things come up. Is there anyway you would want to get engaged w/o a ring, or perhaps with a less expensive gemstone, or a gold band? that might be something worth discussing with your bf.

 

[misskitty]

Big hugs! Those kind of curveballs are never fun.

 

[LilyKat]

I'm so sorry

I really don't know how you feel and your situation, and also am not sure if you're just venting or asking for advice, but if it were me, I'd be very tempted to just get engaged with a less expensive ring and perhaps have a less fancy wedding. There will always be reasons to postpone, and if someone told me I'd have to push back my engagement by two whole years just because a car breaks down, I really wouldn't be on board with that (assuming my boyfriend and I were ready in all other ways).

Hugs to you whatever happens.

ETA: Sorry if I'm sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong and feel free to ignore my post.

 

[Squirrly]

hugs! it does suck when the ideal timeline changes. i think i''m on my 3rd timeline right now, if this one changes i will probably twitch whenever i look in history textbooks. but everything happens for a reason, right?

and i''d like to second what purse-lover said about getting engaged with a simple ring or none at all, though i understand that sometimes guys have their hearts set on the perfect ring for the perfect girl and feel that getting anything less wouldn''t work, so if that''s the case it''d take some convincing, but after marriage there''s always anniversaries for upgrades, and the stone and/or metal could be used in the new ring, or even in another piece of jewelry.

he''s already asked you to wait for him and you said yes, so at least he''s getting practice at asking you questions

here''s some dust headed your way to help you get through all this, and at the end of the day if nothing else, you still love each other, and now you won''t get stuck on the side of the road when he''s driving you to wherever he plans on proposing, or on the way back home afterward!

 

[mariewest]

To answer some of your questions, I have actually found a ring that I like that is only $300, a simple solitare .5ct in a diamond alternative (which I can''t name on this sight,) however my SO doesn''t want to propose without a real diamond. I keep telling him it doesn''t matter to me, and that I would be perfectly happy with what I found because it''s more about the meaning behind the ring than the ring itself. I''m trying to respect that because the proposal is suppose to be his thing and he wants to do it the way he wants (trying being the magic word here.) I don''t want a fancy wedding either and have already known that our wedding budget would be low. So I do think it is possible to have a wedding in a couple years if we get engaged now with the savings that we can have and with help from our families.

What makes this tough is that we have been discussing marriage for a year and a half and in 2008 he stated that he was going to propose by the end of the year and kept saying things like "it''ll be sooner than you think." So obviously my hopes were way up. Then he said it probably wouldn''t happen just yet and said maybe in six months (being this past March.) We even had a vacation around that time to Disney (the most magical place on earth, where dreams come true) and we had a blast, but no proposal. So I''m use to having timelines ignored, but two years is a big step back. I do understand where he is coming from with his finanial issues. I know if he could have proposed, I would hope that he would have by now.

I have even ofter to pay for half of the ring (since marriage is a partnership and all) but he wouldn''t hear it it (anyone else ever thought of doing that?) So I''ll probably bug him a little more about a diamond ring alternative and then just suck it up and wait (and continue to post on this board.)

 

[Jessie702]

(((((((Mairewest)))))))

I know it sucks, and i understand completely. I thought C would have asked by now too. In fact, he was planning a secret wedding, and that got blown away due to work issues and medical issues. Its very nice that he asked if you would wait for you. I can understand his need for wanting to wait. He just wants a perfect life for his family and i cant blame him. Everything will work out when need.

 

[ms.halo]

It''s hard waiting for SOs to finish school (as I did) and to be patient (as I was not), but under these circumstances I think it might make sense to wait until he''s comfortable in his financial situation and can buy you the ring HE wants you to have.

 

[elation]

Aaw... I''m so sorry to hear that..
Maybe, as an alternative, you could pitch in on helping him get the newer car.. hence leaving him with otherwise-spent-on-newer-car moneys for the ring?
Heh, loophole!

 

[trillionaire]

Sorry to hear that

The time will fly past though! 2 years will come and go before you know it!

 

[Indylady]

Oh man, that sounds like a bummer!

But remember, you do have a lot to be thankful for, a wonderful SO that is committed to you and to planning a beautiful proposal!

 

[Magenta]

Date: 6/29/2009 2:34:10 PM
Author: elation
Maybe, as an alternative, you could pitch in on helping him get the newer car.. hence leaving him with otherwise-spent-on-newer-car moneys for the ring?

Heh, loophole!

I like the way you think! This is a great idea!

As for my relationship, due to a combination of circumstances, I''m the one (at least, for the moment) with the money for bigger stuff. It''s hard to work it out - good luck to you!

 

[NakedFinger]

mariewest- Sorry to hear that hun, hugs to you!

I agree with others, that you should just tell him to give you a plain solid band and you will upgrade when ready. He shouldnt have to push off proposing for TWO YEARS just because he is getting a new car. He asked if you would wait for him, and you said yes. What if you said no? Would he have proposed right then? I think he should give you the $300 ring, and convince him that you seriously dont care. And if he still doesnt do it, then him pushing it back really isnt about the money, its about him not being ready yet.

While I tend to enjoy theplunge.com''s bluntness and slight sarcasim (think of it as spike tv for weddings), there was one article that seemed a little too "true". This one was in reference to an ultimatum, but I think guys definitely use alot:

Alright, now if you don''t know if she''s the right woman and she''s operating on an unreasonable timeline, then there''s one clear move you should make: push off the deadline. Delay. Stall. Regardless of whether you''re ready to get engaged or not, this will maximize your options, ensure flexibility, and even, paradoxically, sow the seeds for romance. (You''ll see.)

To delay the ultimatum with tact and savvy, you must employ the DOOM technique: make the engagement contingent on some Deliberately Obscure Objective and/or Money.

Here''s how DOOM works. It keeps you from saying something like, "Um...well...it''s just that...I guess...I don''t think I''m ready." That''s weak. That guarantees a long, tedious, tear-soaked argument of don''t you love me?! and what''s wrong with us?!

DOOM avoids this. Instead of shrugging your shoulders and mumbling that you''re "not ready" to get married, you confidently say that before you get engaged, you must first complete either a Deliberately Obscure Objective...or hit some goal that involves Money.

The best Deliberately Obscure Objectives are pegged to your job. Let''s say you''re a database analyst. Explain that before you''re comfortable getting engaged, it''s important that you first "get your database career established." (God knows what that means.) The trick is keeping it deliberately obscure, refusing to cite a specific milestone. Otherwise, when you get promoted to Database Manager you''ve suddenly run out of rope.

As for the Money? Easy. You can blame credit card debt, student loans, buying a house, selling a business...the list is endless. Tell her that you love her (assuming you do) and that you envision a future with her, but first thing''s first-you need financial security for both of your sakes.

The strategy of DOOM will let you both: 1) take more time to figure out if she''s "the one" (click here to find out) and 2) recapture spontaneity. With DOOM you''re working on your timeline, not hers

Heres the whole article: http://theplunge.com/gettingengaged/if-girlfriend-gives-you-marriage-ultimatum-2

 

[mariewest]

In fact I have told him I would help him out with paying for a car, but he refused. He''s just to proud to take money from people, he even doesn''t like the fact that he''s had to ask his Dad for help.

I did offer to lend him my computer when he goes to school in the fall so he doesn''t have to pay for a new one (which he needs also) right away. I will be back living with my parents while searching for a job in CT and can use their computer, so it wouldn''t be much of an inconvienace to me and would help him out.

I will try talking to him again about a cheaper ring when I get the chance, perhaps we can make a compromise.

Although I thought the article was interesting, I honestly don''t think he is delibertly stalling and creating excuses not to propose. He''s pretty upfront and doesn''t like to play games, so I doubt he would do something like that. It had crossed my mind and I had kinda asked him about it at one time that maybe he wasn''t ready and he said that wasn''t the reason it hasn''t happened yet.

 

[LilyKat]

Hey Marie,

Delaying the engagement and wedding isn''t a problem if it''s a decision you''re both happy with. But just make sure you aren''t putting your own desires last. His "pride" (stubbornness?) in refusing to accept help does NOT automatically trump your wish to move on with your relationship. There are alternatives to the situation that he should be open to exploring, rather than insisting on doing it all his way.

You''re being very accommodating right now, and that''s great up to a point. Just make sure it won''t build into resentment in the future.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

If he has a problem proposing with a diamond synthetic, why not propose with a simple gold band? And you can later use this as your wedding band when you get a diamond ering? It''s classic, not fake, and manageable cost-wise.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I know right now it seems like a really long time...but those years go fast.

Once you''re married, you can''t go back. This is a special time in your relationship, too. Someday you''ll look back and be like "remember when we were dating, that was great!"...you''ll have kids, you''ll have outside responsibilities and the simplicity of just "being together" will be a thing of the past.

Allow your relationship to grow, you''ll get there...I promise.