TTC when you are around 40 years old?

[Maisie]

My husband and I want another child. But we don't know whether to try for one naturally or adopt. I was wondering if there are any other ladies around the age of 40 trying to conceive?

 

[Upgradable]

What are you thinking, woman??? I hardly have the energy to keep up with the two I have. If I tossed another into the mix at my age, it just might kill me!

 

[Maisie]

Haha! I'm mother earth, didn't you know?

 

[Upgradable]

Haha! I'm mother earth, didn't you know?

If that's so, then you certainly have plenty!!

 

[aljdewey]

I dunno - raising a kid today takes more resources than it ever has. It's a weighty choice these days.

 

[AGBF]

My husband and I want another child. But we don't know whether to try for one naturally or adopt. I was wondering if there are any other ladies around the age of 40 trying to conceive?

Maisie-

I've been responding to you in the adoption thread because you posted there saying you and your husband wanted to adopt. I had not, yet, seen this thread. It sounds as if you are quite ambivalent, still, about which way you want to go!

When you posted that you wanted to adopt, I didn't know that conceiving your own child was an option for you. Given all the difficulties with adoption and the seeming positive feelings you have about bearing children, what would be the downside to conceiving a child? Is there something about pregnancy or childbirth now (as opposed to in the past) that is worrying you? Is it the mild autism of your youngest child? (I mean, are you fearful that you are more likely to have a child on the autism spectrum than someone else is?)

On the surface, you seem like an absolutely ideal candidate to have your own, natural baby!!!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[Maisie]

My husband and I want another child. But we don't know whether to try for one naturally or adopt. I was wondering if there are any other ladies around the age of 40 trying to conceive?

Maisie-

I've been responding to you in the adoption thread because you posted there saying you and your husband wanted to adopt. I had not, yet, seen this thread. It sounds as if you are quite ambivalent, still, about which way you want to go!

When you posted that you wanted to adopt, I didn't know that conceiving your own child was an option for you. Given all the difficulties with adoption and the seeming positive feelings you have about bearing children, what would be the downside to conceiving a child? Is there something about pregnancy or childbirth now (as opposed to in the past) that is worrying you? Is it the mild autism of your youngest child? (I mean, are you fearful that you are more likely to have a child on the autism spectrum than someone else is?)

On the surface, you seem like an absolutely ideal candidate to have your own, natural baby!!!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

My youngest son, James, was a twin. The other baby died. I worry the same thing would happen again. I don't worry about Autism. I have a lot to think through but to be honest I would rather give birth to my own baby than adopt. But that doesn't mean I will rule out adoption. We need to work out what is right for us as a family and not just me

 

[AGBF]

My husband and I want another child. But we don't know whether to try for one naturally or adopt. I was wondering if there are any other ladies around the age of 40 trying to conceive?

Maisie-

I've been responding to you in the adoption thread because you posted there saying you and your husband wanted to adopt. I had not, yet, seen this thread. It sounds as if you are quite ambivalent, still, about which way you want to go!

When you posted that you wanted to adopt, I didn't know that conceiving your own child was an option for you. Given all the difficulties with adoption and the seeming positive feelings you have about bearing children, what would be the downside to conceiving a child? Is there something about pregnancy or childbirth now (as opposed to in the past) that is worrying you? Is it the mild autism of your youngest child? (I mean, are you fearful that you are more likely to have a child on the autism spectrum than someone else is?)

On the surface, you seem like an absolutely ideal candidate to have your own, natural baby!!!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

My youngest son, James, was a twin. The other baby died. I worry the same thing would happen again. I don't worry about Autism. I have a lot to think through but to be honest I would rather give birth to my own baby than adopt. But that doesn't mean I will rule out adoption. We need to work out what is right for us as a family and not just me

I didn't know-or didn't remember-that James was a twin, Maisie. I am very sorry for your loss! Of course losing a baby would make you hesitant about repeating the experience! I have posted in the adoption thread about a friend I have who is now in the midst of a high risk pregnancy. She has a 3 year old son and is pregnant with a daughter. Her son was born premature, but healthy. However, before she reached even the 24 week "viable fetus" mark she was showing signs she might give birth prematurely with the current baby. With the help of excellent medical care; bedrest; high-tech tests; and at least one steroid shot; she has reached 30 weeks. Since this baby is not a twin, it is highly likely that the baby will make it. It has been touch-and-go for a long time, though!

I wish you lots of luck!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Well, I can speak to this topic from personal experience! First of all, my sister married in her mid-30's and they waited awhile to try for a baby, so their daughter was born when she was 40. No problems at all. In my case, we had 2 older children when we brought our youngest home from China at age 40. It was wonderful. I definitely think it would be good to TTC as soon as possible. Then if there are any problems conceiving, etc., you could still file for adoption later in the year. So many people are getting married later or waiting to have children after spending time in a career that there are many babies being born to mothers close to 40. I have a good friend who married at 39 and they had three boys!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My mother had me when she was 22 and had oops twin boys at 39. She thought she was going into menopause and was actually pregnant. I can't lie, it was very hard on her physically and mentally. I was a senior in high school when they were born and she was preparing to be a mother to an adult not a new mother to twins. She and her husband will not be able to retire when they originally planned because they now have two more children to support well into their 60's. She doesn't regret having them at all but it certainly changed her life plans. It also changed my life quite a bit. The biggest thing I still worry about is that my mother or her husband will pass while my brothers are still young. My father was much older and passed when I was 12, I would feel so badly for them to have only had their parents around 20 years or so. There are a lot more things to consider than just a successful pregnancy.

This is just my experience but I wanted to share it. Good luck with whatever you choose!

 

[Maisie]

I appreciate hearing all of your different experiences. There is a lot to consider for sure!

My eldest child is 21 and my youngest is just 7. I don't think having a new baby would be a complete shock to us as James is quite little anyway. I could imagine it would be hard if I only had adult children though.

Deb, I hope your friend goes on to have a healthy baby. With all the technology these days its hopeful and very likely that there will be a positive outcome. I will pray for her.

 

[movie zombie]

maise, kidney infection issues can interfer with conception....i saw this after responding to your post re kidney infections. this is something that i'd think you'd want to discuss with your dr. there are also health issues for an older pregnant mother. your body is going through hormonal changes anyway at age 40. many people are not diagnosed with diabetes until they are older. i'd talk to your dr about what kind of issues having a child at this age could have for your own body and life expectancy. i'm not saying that you shouldn't...what i'm saying is that it is really important that you way ALL the issues given you have a 7 year old already. i'm sure you can also find a lot of info by searching medical sites on the internet but ultimately i think you should have a conversation with your dr before making a decision.

 

[AGBF]

Deb, I hope your friend goes on to have a healthy baby. With all the technology these days its hopeful and very likely that there will be a positive outcome. I will pray for her.

Thanks, Maisie. Your posting motivated me to call her. I hadn't spoken to her since before Christmas although I had mailed her son his Christmas present!

She is now at 33 weeks and her cervix, which was too short, has grown 1 cm! Her doctor has actually removed some restrictions that he had placed on her, although she has not gone back to work and is taking it very easy. (She is now doing a few things to help out around the house, she says, but won't go back to work because she doesn't want to climb stairs or carry things...or get upset. She is criminal defense attorney.) She says if she makes it to 34 weeks it will be a real milestone because it will mean that she probably will be able to bring the baby home from the hospital with her. She also says that this baby, being a girl, is bigger than her son was and if she were born now would weigh 5.5 lbs. That is the same weight her son was when he was born. So she sounded very upbeat.

I welcome any prayers on her behalf, however! Thank you!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Maisie]

maise, kidney infection issues can interfer with conception....i saw this after responding to your post re kidney infections. this is something that i'd think you'd want to discuss with your dr. there are also health issues for an older pregnant mother. your body is going through hormonal changes anyway at age 40. many people are not diagnosed with diabetes until they are older. i'd talk to your dr about what kind of issues having a child at this age could have for your own body and life expectancy. i'm not saying that you shouldn't...what i'm saying is that it is really important that you way ALL the issues given you have a 7 year old already. i'm sure you can also find a lot of info by searching medical sites on the internet but ultimately i think you should have a conversation with your dr before making a decision.

I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes a year ago. In that time I have reduced my blood sugar levels from 11.2 to 6.4. (I don't know how to change that into the way its measured in the US). I have one tablet a day and watch what I eat. I have lost 28lbs since my diagnosis but I still need to lose more. I am hoping that in time I will be able to control my diabetes with diet alone and not medication. That is what we are aiming for.

I am going to see my doctor this week. I need a hormone test to make sure I am physically able to conceive. Then we will go from there. If my hormones are a bit out of whack we might just go straight for adoption.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

The diabetes factor will probably be a negative for you regarding pregnancy. Your doctor really will be the only one who can advise you about that.

 

[Maisie]

I suppose Diabetes would be a concern for any age woman... not just mine? I am going to have a good chat with my doctor before we make any decisions. I'm suddenly not feeling good about this.

 

[AGBF]

I suppose Diabetes would be a concern for any age woman... not just mine? I am going to have a good chat with my doctor before we make any decisions. I'm suddenly not feeling good about this.

Of course it would! It has nothing to do with your age, Maisie. Many women who are going to develop Type II Diabetes later in life (as well as women who never will, I am sure!) develop gestational diabetes. In the US doctors test obsessively for that. I do not know whether they do in the UK and whether you ever had it. I have very little medical knowledge and certainly don't want to weigh in on when a diabetic woman should or should not conceive. I do know that pregnancy puts on weight, however, and that you are trying to take off weight. That in itself poses a conundrum, although not one that is my business to solve. I think you are on the right track when you say you you should have a good talk with your doctor. I wish you all the best. One way or the other you can stay healthy and have a healthy baby!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Maisie]

I have had 5 children and never had GD. My pregnancies were all healthy from my side although as I said, I did lose a baby. My doctor said my weight gain over the past few years was probably the trigger for Diabetes and they are confident that I can control it with diet and not medication if I can lose the weight.

I really want a baby so much. Its hard to be sensible. But I will be!

 

[decodelighted]

As the oldest of SIX children .... lemmie ask you this? Where would another baby leave your *other five* kids? Would there be fewer resources? Less attention? Are they not as interesting & needy as a baby would be? Not as fun? Satisfying?

I IMPLORE you to keep the needs of your existing family in mind. Just because you CAN (if you can) -- doesn't mean you SHOULD.

I'd say the same if you had five dogs & wanted a new puppy. (Lets skip the flame war here guys, m'kay?)

 

[Maisie]

I always feel nervous when I see you have posted on my threads Deco

My two eldest children are 21 and 18. They have both left the nest. One lives with his fiancee and the other has gone to college.

The other 3 are 15, 13 and 7. They are wonderful, well adjusted, sensitive and loving kids. They have plenty of attention. We have lots of fun as a family. I am not bored with any of them

 

[decodelighted]

I always feel nervous when I see you have posted on my threads Deco
My two eldest children are 21 and 18. They have both left the nest. One lives with his fiancee and the other has gone to college.
The other 3 are 15, 13 and 7. They are wonderful, well adjusted, sensitive and loving kids. They have plenty of attention. We have lots of fun as a family. I am not bored with any of them

To your first line ... HA! And the rest .... good to hear. I wouldn't turn back the clock & trade my youngest sibling for generic "more resources" ... but at the time, when I was 16-17 ... and the house was already full to the brim & I was shopping for everyone's clothes at thrift stores w/ a depressed mom & overworked dad at home ... a new baby didn't seem like the most solid plan they ever had.

 

[Maisie]

I always feel nervous when I see you have posted on my threads Deco
My two eldest children are 21 and 18. They have both left the nest. One lives with his fiancee and the other has gone to college.
The other 3 are 15, 13 and 7. They are wonderful, well adjusted, sensitive and loving kids. They have plenty of attention. We have lots of fun as a family. I am not bored with any of them

To your first line ... HA! And the rest .... good to hear. I wouldn't turn back the clock & trade my youngest sibling for generic "more resources" ... but at the time, when I was 16-17 ... and the house was already full to the brim & I was shopping for everyone's clothes at thrift stores w/ a depressed mom & overworked dad at home ... a new baby didn't seem like the most solid plan they ever had.

It sounds to me like you maybe had to step in and be 'mom' to your siblings. That makes me sad but I can understand why that happened if your mother was suffering from depression. It must have been a difficult time.

I am definitely the mother in my house. I am here full time and I take my role very seriously. I love being a parent.

 

[movie zombie]

will you have the time and energy to be a grandparent with a newborn in your own home? i bring this up as i once a conversation with a woman who was very resentful that her own mother had a baby in the home and did not have time or energy to be a grandparent.....the woman i spoke with felt that her daughter missed out on an experience that she herself had had.

 

[TooPatient]

will you have the time and energy to be a grandparent with a newborn in your own home? i bring this up as i once a conversation with a woman who was very resentful that her own mother had a baby in the home and did not have time or energy to be a grandparent.....the woman i spoke with felt that her daughter missed out on an experience that she herself had had.

Or the other side of this -- If you had a baby now, would that baby be resentful as they got older because you were also busy being a grandparent?

I have an aunt who is 12 years older than me. She told me a couple of years ago that she has always been resentful of me because she felt like I took her parents away when she needed them most. (her mom worked for the school district so had all of the summers and breaks off, she was a chaperone at most of the class field trips, the "cool mom" everyone wanted to spend time with, and even went with my aunt's choir for a couple of weeks in Switzerland -- so grandma was spending a lot of time as "mom", my aunt just feels like she lost out).


I wish you well with whatever you decide is best for your family!

 

[Maisie]

My husband is in the Air Force. He moves every 3 years or so. Any grandparenting will be done at a distance. We live 300 miles away from my two eldest children at the minute. I will see any grandbabies as often as possible but I won't be in their every day lives. Which is sad but part of the military lifestyle. So it really wouldn't factor into whether we decide to have a baby.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have 2 boys the oldest just turned 26, the other one is 14 and wont be 15 till April...I was 36 1/2 when I had my youngest and my husband was getting ready to turn 43...I really wanted to have the 2nd child, it took me over 3 years to get pregnant, my pregnancy was very easy..but I must say I am much more tired raising my youngest then I was with my oldest, it seems like I am not as involved with him as I was with my oldest, I will probably still have him living at home after my hubby retires...that should be interesting. I love him with all my heart but sometimes I wonder what was I thinking Life would be easier without my youngest son, more free time, more money, but it would also be very lonely, he is a sweet, loving young man and I couldnt image my life without him...would I do it again...I would have to think about that one long and hard, but do I regret having him later in life, no, I could never regret having a such a wonderful son (sure hope he stays this way with his raging hormones lol) Good luck in whatever you choose, I got gest. diabetes while pregnant with him and I managed it quite well, but you should really consult you doctor about that one.

ETA: my oldest son was not very happy about him having a baby brother when he was 11 years old...Zach was a sickly child and we had to spend alot of time taking care of him...and my oldest Josh seem to be resentful of that when he was younger..now that they are older they get along great.

 

[Maisie]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. You raise a lot of good points. Especially the one about the youngest being around when your hubby retires. Thats something thats weighing on my mind too. I will be 60 when the baby is 20. Where would be the time for me and my DH to be together without young kids. Time to have fun, travel and just be a couple.

 

[Pandora II]

Maisie, am I wrong in thinking that your husband has had a vasectomy that would need to be reversed?

I had Daisy when I was 37 and if we have another then I would be 42 or so when we TTC. Part of my reluctance to do so is realising the age implications. My grandmothers were both at my wedding - I was married at 36, but the chances of my being at my grandchildren's weddings is very slim indeed. Both my father and FIL are doctors and none of our generation did medicine so they are of course hoping a grandchild will... they will be in their 90's before they know what any of their grandchildren do as careers or are even at college.

I don't know how much you have looked into adoption, but your chances of adopting a baby domestically are very, very slim - partly due to age, the fact you have other children and the extreme lack of very young children available for adoption. I looked into it a few years ago, only to find that I was blocked entirely in pretty much every country due to my having Bipolar disorder (despite mine being type II, fully controlled by treatment and manifesting in primarily depressive episodes).

Even with an international adoption, you may run into problems - Type II Diabetes is an illness that the panels can be particularly against (a case is mentioned on www.internationaladoptionguide.co.uk). 40 isn't necessarily too old - but if your husband and you together are 90 years+ then China will rule you out. China also pretty much rules you out for past episodes of depression.

You may also find that the frequent moves that your husband's job involves may go against you as well, as they like you to have a permanent base and good support networks around you.

For those who are not from the UK, the adoption requirements and rules here are much, much more strict and draconian than those in the USA.

Have you thought about fostering?

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Pandora, can you elaborate on what you mean by domestic adoptions in the UK are different/stricter than the US?

Sorry for the hijack, Maisie.

 

[partgypsy]

You may feel it won't be a factor, but from being on the other side, your oldest childen may feel that if you didn't have the youngest child, that you would have been more available, in time, or money than you will if you have another baby. I know myself, that while we had our two children, I wished that my husband's parents would have visited more. So even while you feel it is not a factor because it is only missed visits, your existing children may disagree.

Myself, I had my children at 35 and 39. I didn't have any medical issues (other than lack of energy being both a mom/expectant mom and having a full time job).
But for example, we haven't had time away, a vacation as a couple since our first was born 9 years ago. My husband doesn't trust a sitter for overnight jobs, my parents are too far away, and my husband's parents feel two kids would be too much work (they would do one child).

Also I do worry the fact we will have kids entering college, during the time where again, I would want to have time/money to slow down, spend time with hubby. Nope, the money will be going to college instead.

I feel for you. You definitely feel like you have the mommy urge, which often cannot be reasoned with. I think you will manage whatever you do, but try to think about all phases of your life, not just holding a new baby phase.