Travel with two week old?

[ChicRaccoon]

My fiance and I are getting married June 23. The best man is my fiance's brother. Well, future-brother-in-law and his gf are going have a baby, due around June 6. FBIL and his gf live in Southern California and we are getting married in Washington. Upon telling my fiance that they are expecting, he insisted that they will make it to the wedding, and that they will drive up if they have to. The drive would be 20 hours. The venue is on the coast, 2 hours from the closest airport.

The brothers are very close, and I know that FBIL can not fathom not making it to the wedding of his best friend and brother. I don't want to be dramatic, or bring up any negativity, so I don't want to discuss the possibility of them not making it to anyone yet. However, I feel like it may be a little unrealistic. I have a lot of plans surrounding their coming up, especially since they were planning to visit for a week, and I just am wondering if I should put a hold on things...

To those of you with some experience with newborns, what do you think?

ETA: Her family lives in another country, so I don't know how likely it would be that they will be around at this point.

 

[Dreamer_D]

The mother will not want to travel and frankly should not be expected to. I suppose if she is an unusually resilient woman she might not mind it, but not way in heck would I have done it.

If it were me, I would stay home with my mom or something to help me and send my husband to the wedding. Best compromise in my opinion.

 

[cara]

So I went on vacation to Yosemite with my baby and husband when the baby was two and a half weeks old. My husband had the five weeks off following the birth, this was his only time off for the year, and most of the rest of his vacation we had family visiting. I was flipping out when he proposed the trip pre-birth, so he backed off, but once the baby was out and we'd had a week or two to figure things out he brought it up again and it seemed reasonable so we booked the trip and went! And we had a great time. We were staying in a nice cabin (no camping!) and brought the same bassinet we were using at home. Getting up in the middle of the night to feed and change the baby wasn't much different then if we were at home. And the baby loved being in a front pack carrier and going on short hikes, which is what we did with our days. I did have to feed him while sitting on a rock a couple of times, and we changed him in the back seat of our car a lot too, but it all worked out.

Relevant points:
It was a 4 hr drive for us, no flying. Not sure I'd want to fly with a baby that small. We did fly when Silas was 2 months old, after his first round of shots. And 2 month olds seem a lot more resilient than 2 week olds. Even the 4 hour drive I was stressing about it. But we decided that we would just do it on baby time - if he needs something, we stop as soon as possible to take care of him even if it makes for slow progress. It turned out that he did really well in the car. We stopped at halfway to feed and change him (and breastfeeding a 2 week old takes awhile! Like 30-40 minutes) and maybe one other time each way. There is NO WAY I would sign up for driving to Washington from S. Cal with a two week old. Even if you are using bottles rather than breastfeeding so you can do feed the baby while driving, you still have to stop to change the baby frequently. And newborns poop a lot! And while I was feeling pretty good at 2 weeks postpartum, I wasn't 100% and am not sure *I* would have been up for 20 hours in a car at that point, baby aside.

Last, we got a good baby. No colic, tolerates his car seat well, etc. I had a fairly easy recovery from birth. I was going on 5 mile hikes two and a half weeks postpartum, wheras I could barely walk half a mile at 9 months pregnant. It woln't be that way for everyone, so I think you are very very wise to at least plan for the *possibility* they - the whole family at least - woln't make it. Heck, the baby could be two weeks late and come out the 20th or so!

What's realistic? Plan for the best man to come alone, with the known possibility that he woln't make it if his baby and baby mama need him. If the baby comes out and everything is going peachy and they clear it with their pediatrician, *maybe* buy a last minute ticket for the mom and baby to come out via airplane plus car ride. But I wouldn't count on it or pressure them into it - that is just too much stress for a new mom and a new baby.

Case in point, there was a family wedding on the east coast the weekend that we went to Yosemite. My husband's family is scattered across the country and gets together rarely, it would have been great for us to go. I told my husband (after the baby was safely out and we'd gotten through the first week or so) that he could buy a ticket and go by himself if he wanted to. I just wasn't up for putting our baby on a crosscountry flight at that age. Husband choose to stay in California with his new family and we went on our little vacation together. It was a cousin getting married, not a brother, so I understand that may affect things, but still. A two week old child is brand brand new, and you don't get that time back.

 

[swingirl]

I would NOT have been able to sit my bottom down in a car seat for 20 hours 2 weeks after either of my children were born. I nursed them both and that meant every 2 hours I had to find a comfortable position (not easy with the sore butt or C-section incision) and then change their diaper (babies poop soon after they eat).

My biggest concern would have been the germ exposure of traveling to a wedding before the baby has had immunizations.

Bottom line, it depends on the mother's health and energy level, baby's health, baby's disposition, and their comfort level with traveling. For me, it would have been a giant NO. But for others it could be doable.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

20 hours. Holy cow. I would NOT bring my two week old on a plane (not sure a pedi would even allow that) and as for such a long car ride, That's a lot to expect. We traveled with DD the first time when she was about 7 weeks old and it was tough. Our trip was an 8 hour drive and I would pump and bottle feed her so we didn't have to stop every two hours. I feel like those first few months it is about getting into a routine and traveling really screws that up. Is there anyway the best man could come by himself for a QUICK trip? If I were in that situation I would ask my mom to stay with me for a few days while DH attended the wedding. Maybe if her family cannot help, a close friend can.

 

[Skippy123]

Here is another thought. You said she is due early June? What if she is late? Sometimes women who are preggo w/their first babies are a week late. Just putting that out there.

 

[Sabine]

I think you're smart to consider that he won't make it.

Honestly, there is no way for any person to explain to a woman what birth is like or how hard the first few weeks/months of being a 1st time mom CAN be. No matter what she says now, she may (and has the right to) change her mind if it is best for her and her baby once it's here.

I also think the best option would be for her to stay home with the baby and her dh to come alone to the wedding (but not stay a week unless she has someone staying with her that whole time and they want to do that!).

I had a c/s. I wasn't even cleared to drive on my own until 2 weeks pp. I know for me with my ds, the trip would not have been possible.

 

[Mara]

I think it's very risky. As Skippy pointed out, she could be 1-2 weeks late. But even if the baby is born on time or even a week or two early... I would not have traveled 20 hours anywhere with our newborn. Nevermind staying in a hotel or whatever with a 2 week old...and the arsenal of stuff you'd have to bring with you.

You said that the FBIL insisted they'd make it. What did his wife have to say, just curious. I think a lot of times the husbands can be kind of unrealistic if they don't know what they are in for.

I would probably have asked my Mom to help me and sent my hub solo -probably via a flight and I would have asked he only stay one night and fly home the next morning. The first month can be chaos esp for new parents and there are SO many unknowns around a baby's birth and the health of the Mom and baby etc.

 

[cara]

Yeah, even though we did take the kiddo on two trips in the first six weeks, my husband at one point thought we'd be road-tripping all over the state during his month off/first month of baby's life. He hadn't even done the math and realized that we couldn't breastfeed the kid while driving. Legally, at least. Yes, you can pump and bottle feed while driving technically but I was getting way stressed out by his plans pre-birth. It was only after we'd had the baby and seen how things were going that I was good with okaying a trip. And he admitted that driving all over tarnation didn't seem like the best idea. We did shortish locallish trips. Like I said, there is NO WAY I'd sign up for driving 20 hrs with a newborn. And flying with a 2 week old is past my comfort level with exposure to people and illnesses. And I'm someone that didn't stay shut in the house with the new baby, we were out doing little things in public the first week with our little guy, but planes are just incubators for that kind of thing and usually really crowded these days.

ETA: It sounds like the FBIL wants to reassure you guys that everything will be great for your wedding and his family will be there for you. I think you (and your FI) would be doing everyone a favor if you tell FBIL several times that you are thrilled he's expecting and completely understand if he has to make the wedding by video conference or something. Or its cool if he only brings pictures of his new baby and misses the rehearsal dinner because he's only spending less than 24 hrs in the state.

The logistics of the baby making to the wedding are difficult enough that I think you can flat-out tell him that you don't expect the baby and its mama to make the wedding. Maybe someone of your parents' generation can speak to him about this with some BTDT perspective layered on thick, because its almost a laugh-worthy idea: "yes! I'll be driving my 2 week old and brand new mom 20 hours each way to a wedding next year! Cause having a new baby shouldn't be an issue in doing other things!" Even important things like attending your brother's wedding might have to get demoted for the newborn thing. And if his lady doesn't have family in the country coming to help out she *could* really need him there. C-section and whatnot. It is what it is!

 

[KimberlyH]

There was not a chance we'd have made that trip either way at ~2 weeks. At 6 weeks we cleared a visit to my parents' which is 160 miles one way, the drive takes about 2.5 hours normally, it took us 6. Breastfeeding and a child who hated her carseat made the trip extremely stressful. The second time I travelled with her, same destination by myself at 3 months, and we were both in tears by the time we arrived, my husband rented a car to come meet us and drive us home. She's finally okay in her carseat at 9 months and I'd be comfortable driving her by myself.

I didn't struggle in the first months except with travel and managing visitors; my daughter was early and small and it was impressed upon us not to expose her to large numbers of people. We went out around our neighborhood, but kept to ourselves other than close family and friends for the first few months. I was terrified of her getting sick, and while I may have been overboard I don't regret the decisions we made, except I'd have skipped those first trips to my parents', it wasn't worth the stress.

I would have happily sent my husband in the situation you describe, and had my mom come stay with the baby and me.

 

[junebug17]

I was in a similar situation when my son was born. My husband's sister was getting married and lived in another state, and I had the baby a few weeks before. My husband went and took our 3 year old daughter, and I stayed home with my mother, who had flown halfway across the country to help me. I really couldn't have gone anyway, and left my mom by herself. I can only speak for myself, but there's no way I could have made it to that wedding. I can't even imagine going through all of that traveling with a newborn. I admit I'm not the adventurous type, so I was very happy to stay put.

 

[anchor31]

I think traveling more than an hour with a two-week-old is pretty crazy. Giving birth and breastfeeding around the clock, with the sleep deprivation, and for many women, recuperating from an episiotomy, tear or c-section, is very difficult. Most people have no idea how it really is before they have kids (myself included), so I understand that the husband is still convinced they can make it. There's no way I would have done it. DH went back to work at two weeks and my mom spent a couple of days with me and that was fine. So like many have suggested, I would send the husband to the wedding but not attend myself.

 

[swimmer]

Have you talked to your future SIL about this? It is still pretty early so the reality of their lifestyle change might not sink in till she gets larger...

I think it took my DH some time to figure out that life really had changed tremendously with the baby. He had entered us in a triathlon 4 weeks after my due date as a surprise present for me. That weekend I mocked him mercilessly as we were changing our 2 week old's diapers constantly and nursing for 45 min stretches and I was in no condition to bike. I was due on the 5th, and delivered on the 13th...this is really common for first time babies. It wasn't till little E was 4 months that we drove him over an hour and he screamed like he was being skinned the entire time. A recent drive at 5 months that usually takes us 4.5 hours took 8.5 as he needed breastfeeding breaks and just breaks from the carseat. There were still a few 2+ hour screamfests while on the highway.

So their drive would be waaaaaaaaaaay more than a day; possibly spending a night or two in hotels along the way (both ways); it could be done, but I personally would be homicidal at that point. It might be legal for a baby that young to fly but I'm not certain its a good idea; no immune system yet, the ears popping...well, then again he/she could sleep through the entire thing.

Friends who had a surrogate deliver their new baby drove her what is normally a 12 hr drive over three days to her new home. Two men and a grandma caring for one little girl in a minivan were so exhausted when they arrived home that they called for reinforcements and went to sleep. Their situation is different in that neither of them had been in labor, all the adults were well rested, and the baby was obv not being breastfed. They had to transport their new baby home so they had no choice but to travel. Yes, can you please convey to your future SIL and BIL that there are other options, like a skype connection?

How does your FI feel about this? Can your SIL's mom come to her?

Also, if DH had thought for one second that he was leaving me alone with the baby when he was so new, I would have strangled him with my bare, exhausted, smeared with baby poo and vitamin A&D ointment, hands. And no jury made up of moms would have seen a problem with it.

 

[turtledazzle]

Also, if DH had thought for one second that he was leaving me alone with the baby when he was so new, I would have strangled him with my bare, exhausted, smeared with baby poo and vitamin A&D ointment, hands. And no jury made up of moms would have seen a problem with it.

Ditto this, swimmer. My DH had to go out of town for work when our LO was 2.5 weeks old. We don't have family who can help, so the nights were all me. He was supposed to be gone for three nights, but the first night was rough ... so he ended up driving back 3.5 hours to stay the second night with me and then driving back to the conference the next day. He ended up doing a lot of extra driving, but I seriously would have lost my mind had he been gone for four full days and three nights as originally planned. At that point my LO was only sleeping maybe three hours in a row and each feeding took 45 minutes or so.

Now my son is a week shy of 4 months old, and we still haven't driven more than an hour or so with him. Doing serious travel with a baby is just daunting, but I know many people are much braver than me.

Also, count me in as one who would not have been able to fathom being in a car for that long myself within the first few weeks after birth. I only had a small tear with a few stitches, but it was still very uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time for the first 2-3 weeks (not to mention that my bleeding lasted for about 3 weeks so that would not make for a very pleasant car ride in itself).

 

[Jennifer W]

I wouldn't have done it, I just spend the first weeks in a fog of tired. Also, my baby was my only interest at that stage. I know other people would be fine with their husband going away for a few days, but at the two week mark, I would not have countenanced that under any circumstances. DH wouldn't have either.

It's going to depend very much on how they feel at the time, which might be based on hormones and emotion as much as logic and planning -the only advice I would have is to be entirely flexible and try not to be hurt if they don't come.

 

[TooPatient]

Also, if DH had thought for one second that he was leaving me alone with the baby when he was so new, I would have strangled him with my bare, exhausted, smeared with baby poo and vitamin A&D ointment, hands. And no jury made up of moms would have seen a problem with it.

I'm not a parent, but this was what I imagine I'd be saying. I've seen new babies and their moms.... It looks EXHAUSTING!

Even IF the new mom says that she's okay with her DH leaving her alone with their new baby (for even just a day or two), you should consider the possibility that she's only saying it because she feels she has to. (Maybe even hoping her DH insists that he won't leave her alone).

I like the idea of Skype -- you could even have the video Skype going through the RD and reception too. If you're having a video done, you could bring the video to them later and watch it together (could even have a little mini wedding cake to eat with them).

 

[Pandora II]

Crazy!

The likelyhood of the baby arriving on the due date is slim - most 1st babies arrive late.

I could barely sit down the first two weeks - episiotomies are PAINFUL! Baby blues are also crap and exhaustion is beyond what I ever imagined.

We drove down to see my parents when Daisy was 2 weeks old - 2 hours each way - and she screamed solidly the whole way there and back. Went to see MIL a week later - 4 hours each way - and she screamed solidly the entire trip. I am not joking, it was hell - she only stopped flipping in the car at 15 months.

Babies shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 2-3 hours with at least an hour between stretches, plus if you are breastfeeding that can be every 2 hours. So, I reckon a 20 hour drive would take at least 3 days with a newborn.

My brother got married 6 days after Daisy was born and I was still in hospital. It would have been a 7 hour drive. I am pretty resilient but even if D had arrived 2 weeks early I wouldn't have gone all that way.

So, I think FBIL should plan to fly in and out for the day or send his apologies.

 

[ChicRaccoon]

Thanks everyone for your insight. That's pretty much what I thought. And, I know that if it were me, the idea of him leaving me for two days would not be so appealing, no matter how much I would want him to go.

Right now it seems a little too taboo to bring it up though, as both the father- and mother-to-be feel so confident that they want to be there, and that they want to support us, that they may not be being so realistic.

At one slight mention to my fiance, he seemed like he wasn't ready to entertain the idea that they won't be there (and that his best friend/brother won't be the best man). We are only doing one attendant each, so fiance will need to recruit a new one. So, I think I'll just keep planning accordingly, and not buy the mens' suits until the last minute.

 

[cara]

ChicRac, seriously, recruit someone older with kids in your in-laws family to talk some sense into your FI and his brother. Someone who can pull off laughing in their face with a 'haha, what a riot' kind of reaction to the drive 20-hrs each way with newborn plan!

The brother making the wedding, sure, seems pretty doable (not guaranteed though!) if the couple plans for it. The baby and new mom, well, you've read the posts. Even if it is possible it will be better for everyone to *plan* for the likelihood of them not making it.

And even though your fiance might not like the idea of his brother not being there, well, babies come when they come and are pretty helpless and your FBIL's job as a parent is to make the best decisions for his new little family. Meanwhile your fiance is an adult and his job is to accept things the world hands him (like the due date of his niece/nephew), swallow his disappointment and make the best of it. I hope you can say something to him more firmly than just hinting that his brother might not make it. Something like: 'you realize your brother might not be able to make it if the baby is late or its mom has a rough recovery.' Of course your FI wants his brother at his wedding, but there is no good walking on eggshells around this topic and the best gift you can give this new little family is the gift of NO PRESSURE to make unreasonable travel plans or feel like they are disappointing important people in their life by having a baby and making the right decisions for that baby. Even if that means missing an important event in your lives.

ETA: He doesn't *have* to get a new best man. One, odds are the brother can make the wedding if they arrange to have help for the new mom at home. Two, I went to a wedding where the best man was on a foreign mission or something. They had a life-size cut-out of the best man standin during the ceremony and played a video toast the best man made at the reception. It was sweet. Of course, it required a bit of planning!

 

[somethingshiny]

My siblings are very close and it would really pain me if they couldn't be involved in my wedding. However, I'd pretty much count out a long drive with a newborn and wouldn't expect a new mom to stay home completely alone during that time either. And, for that matter, she could still be in the hospital as could the baby if it arrives late. Okay, this idea may be totally crazy, but what about skyping bro in the wedding? It would be a bit odd, bro could still be involved without causing any distress for new mom, dad, and baby.

 

[ChicRaccoon]

Meanwhile your fiance is an adult and his job is to accept things the world hands him (like the due date of his niece/nephew), swallow his disappointment and make the best of it. I hope you can say something to him more firmly than just hinting that his brother might not make it. Something like: 'you realize your brother might not be able to make it if the baby is late or its mom has a rough recovery.' Of course your FI wants his brother at his wedding, but there is no good walking on eggshells around this topic and the best gift you can give this new little family is the gift of NO PRESSURE to make unreasonable travel plans or feel like they are disappointing important people in their life by having a baby and making the right decisions for that baby. !

I actually just talked to him about it once again after posting. He definitely understands, but at the same time, he believes his brother's word that they will be there (aww...) and he hates planning for negative stuff, rather he has a tendency to just want to take stuff as it comes. Regardless, I expressed my interest in telling the parents-to-be that we want the best for them, and that they or just FBIL should not feel that they/he have to be there if it is just too difficult, to take the pressure off them, and fiance agreed that that is a good idea.

Thanks for all of your input!

 

[phoenixgirl]

This is slightly different, but my BIL's wife was due with their first maybe 10 days after our wedding. He did come (it would have been a 10 hour drive, so he flew) and stayed for 24 hours. At the time (being young and never having had a baby), I didn't understand why he missed the rehearsal dinner and couldn't stay longer, but then his wife went into labor the day after he got back. Our niece's birthday is 3 days after our anniversary. Now that I'm a mother, I'm not sure I would have let my husband leave for 24 hours when I was 9+ months pregnant!

 

[Winks_Elf]

The only reason I am asking this is because you said your fi and his brother are very close, but is there any possibility of postponing the wedding until the end of the summer? This way the baby is a few months old, and the new mother will feel more herself, and they could possibly leave the baby with her mom for a few hours while they enjoy your wedding. When we had #2, I was maybe 5 or 6 weeks postpartum when we had a wedding to go to. My MIL watched the baby while we were at the wedding, and they live less than 3 miles from the venue we were at.

 

[phoenixgirl]

The more I think about it, the iffier this seems. What if she's late? Has complications? What if the baby has to stay in the hospital or NICU? What if she has a C-section? It's so easy to be all, "Yeah, a baby will never change us, we'll still do everything the same!" but with a two-week-old it's just plain silly to assume you can.