Traditions to Use and to Lose

[Chewbacca]

What traditions surrounding engagement/weddings are important to you? Are there any that you are open to skipping? Are you dream-planning a very traditional affair? Something ultra modern? In between?

I know we all have at least one for-keeps tradition in common - the engagement ring!

 

[mary poppins]

The engagement ring is definitely a keeper. DH and I skipped the garter belt and bouquet toss at our wedding.

 

[Niel]

i was just talking about this over in hang out. I had a feeling this miiight have been prompted by it. I would have been upset if my FI asked my father for my hand. I will never ever have a garter belt. I dont like them and dont understand them. Ive never been to a family wedding that did. I wont have a bouquet toss either.... i havent decided if i want FI to see me before the wedding, we 'll see.

 

[Chewbacca]

Hi Niel, I had to lurk your posts to see what you were talking about! Great timing (or perhaps terrible!), but no, this thread was born from a desire to creative activity on LIW! And maybe a little bit stolen from a similar forum.


As for me! SO and I have been talking about some of the 'expected' aspects of our wedding. Here is a list!

- SO probably won't talk to my father beforehand, and I must admit I'm excited to be able to share the excitement of telling them!
- We'll skip the engagement party, and the bridal shower. I'd say our bachelor/ette parties will be very low key, if at all.
- We will do the 'repeat after me' traditional vows, but skip the 'who gives this woman to this man' bit.
- My father will walk me down the aisle, because we know he will love doing it.
- We are forgoing a wedding party.
- There will be no dancing at our reception, so that nixes all dance-related traditions!
- I WILL have a garter, and it may be one of the first things I purchase because: when SO's brother got married this year his mother pulled his almost-bride aside at the wedding rehearsal and presented her with a garter. As in the piece of lingerie that her son would be removing with his teeth on their very first night of passion! She went bright red while myself and our other SIL dissolved into laughter.

I've just realised how long this list could become, so I'll stop now. From the zillions of weddings I've seen online, most of the bits I'll be skipping are things that just aren't commonplace for us! E.G. father/daughter dance, dollar dance, glass clinking, receiving line, bouquet/garter toss. Apparently we throw very basic weddings here!

 

[pandabee]

Yeah the thread in hangout was not the first thing I thought of when I saw your thread. I think I have also seen a bit of these types of discussions in the *other* forum Chewie so I'm glad you made this a topic!

- SO will not be asking parents for blessing/permission
- I want us to write our own vows...we'll see how he feels about that haha
- idk if I really want to do the garter/bouquet toss...I think wearing a fun garter would be neat but idk about the whole public toss bit!
- I want to do the traditional dances! I love music so I've been thinking about the songs that we would play
- I really like the first look idea, just for the sake of awesome pictures. I don't know if SO will be against that idea, but he's not exactly a traditionalist either so I think it would work out!

I can't think of anything major right now...I don't really want the dollar dance or the shoe game or any of those types of "games" at the reception. The more I think about it the more I also want something basic, and just want it to be a fun party, no stress/drama.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

We thought we would sleep apart the night before the wedding, but things were so crazy that I just needed to sleep in my own bed next to my husband to be. So I did, much to my Mother's dismay lol

We didn't do the garter/bouquet toss thing because I was always annoyed when I had to participate as a single lady. It kind of made me feel badly about myself! Plus, it's cheesy.

DH did ask my Mom and Da 'for permission', but it was more like he told them what was happening to include them in the process. Also, my Dad did walk me down the aisle, but I also had my Granddaddy on the other side, which I loved.

 

[madelise]

Use:
- The engagement ring.
- The notifying of families and asking for blessings.
- The proposal.
- The bouquet and garter toss only if the budget allows buying a 2nd bouquet. I want to keep mine.
- The no kids until marriage part. This might be hardest for me, cus I really, really, really want kids nownownow.
- Chinese tea ceremony, if time permits.
- The traditional Chinese outfit changes the bride goes through. Mine will be simple since I want a western white wedding dress, a qipao, - and a traditional Pakistani wedding dress.
- The old English rhyme, "Something old, something new….." all of it! It's fun.
- The mehendi ceremony. Traditionally this is hosted by the bride's family, but since this is "his" side's tradition, they'll have to host. It's usually a female only thing. I'll bring my friends and family to participate if they want to.


Lose:
- Not including the gal in choosing the ring. It's too expensive of a risk.
- The "repeat after me" vows.
- The "Love is.." Corinthians verse.
- Those rope tying, sand pouring, candle lighting unity ceremonies.
- The father-daughter dance. I hate my parents, esp. my biodad.
- The no living together or having sex until marriage part. I want to know how my partner lives and how he performs before I'm stuck with him for life! LOL!!
- Long ass ceremonies. I'd hate to know people pulled out their cellphones to go on Facebook because they got bored.
- His side/her side seating during the ceremony
- The mahr, a traditional gift of jewels, money, or fancy clothing to the bride from the groom. We're on a budget for the wedding itself, I'd hate to have to look at him and go, "so you bought this stuff but I couldn't have the photographer I wanted?" LOL


New:
- Wedding websites and virtual RSVPs
- E-registries that let the people know what has been already purchased.
- Wedding band warming ceremony between the families
- Unplugged ceremonies. No one take out their cellphones or cameras. That's what the hired professionals are for. I really wanted this to begin with, but noticed the importance more at my friend's wedding. These kids had digital cameras and kept blocking the view of the actual photographers! Some old people had iPads out to take pictures!
- Wedding planners. F* it. For the date we have our eyes on, I'll be in grad school. Day-of and month-of coordination in the very least. This will take a lot off the shoulders of any potential bridesmaids, as well as keep bridezillaness away.


I'd love to read the 'other' thread. Link?

 

[Chewbacca]

We thought we would sleep apart the night before the wedding, but things were so crazy that I just needed to sleep in my own bed next to my husband to be. So I did, much to my Mother's dismay lol.

I was thinking about this last night while I was laying in bed, I would totally do this to get the best night sleep possible before our wedding day!

madelise, there is a whole section of the forum dedicated to it, Wedding Related > People > Traditions.

 

[pandabee]

I was thinking about this last night while I was laying in bed, I would totally do this to get the best night sleep possible before our wedding day!

Oh good point about this! I never realized this was a formal "tradition" per se...on one hand it would be nice to get a break in the midst of all the planning and chaos maybe? But then again I don't really expect it to be that crazy so I think it would just be nice to do things like we have always done and spend the night together like we usually do.

Ooh madelise you reminded me of the whole other set of traditions I will be forgoing!
- No traditional tea ceremony
- No sending of cakes to family members and friends to announce that we are engaged
- No engagement party (which according to my cousin who just got married last fall is something that is hosted by the bride's family and is almost as lavish an affair as the wedding itself?)
- No huge buffet served at a Chinese restaurant for the reception

Haven't decided yet if I want to wear a qipao for the reception...if I do it will be very modernized!

madelise can you explain the mehendi ceremony? I'm intrigued I also LOVE the unplugged ceremony ideas!!! especially if it's short, hopefully that will help. Been reading posts though about how to convey that to the guests and there is all sorts of uproar and whatnot but I don't care...it's going to be my big day, and I'm gonna make the rules

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

I'm in a different place than most of you because I already my traditional wedding. It was small and we included a lot of traditions (and got rid of a lot of them too - I think you should do what's meaningful to you and get rid of the rest), but when the SO and I get married (because I refuse to believe it won't happen) I think we'll elope. I still want a dress and a photographer, but the rest is open to negotiation. Anyone thinking of eloping? Any good resources for how to do it and still have a great day with your beloved?

 

[Chewbacca]

I know LoveLikeCrazy has made arrangements to elope, and past-LIW audball is eloping very soon! I'm sure they'll have resources to share.

Heres something I'm struggling with: Gifts. Registering. How are you ladies planning on doing it? I have no idea how to approach it, none of the options are very appealing!

 

[pandabee]

I know LoveLikeCrazy has made arrangements to elope, and past-LIW audball is eloping very soon! I'm sure they'll have resources to share.

Heres something I'm struggling with: Gifts. Registering. How are you ladies planning on doing it? I have no idea how to approach it, none of the options are very appealing!

How about amazon? One of my friends had their registry there and they have pretty much everything. If they don't have it, you can still add items onto their universal wish list and it just links to the outside website. There are honeymoon find sites too which people can just donate money but I know mny people may find that isn't the classiest way to go about it (although I will admit it's better than a honey fund jar at the reception...)

 

[maple2012]

Not Using:
Engagement Party
Garter Belt Toss
Bouquet Toss
Snake Dance (Don't ask)
Exchange of Gold Coins (Aka: Las Arras: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Las_arras)
Bridesmaids (only MOH and Flower Girls/Ring Bearer)
Rope Tying Ceremony
Traditional Catholic Priest
His/Her side seating
Rehearsal Dinner (The day prior will be halloween night - as we are having a very tiny wedding party the rehearsal will be pretty quick)
Gift Registry (I will be asking guest for gift cards or checks in lieu of gifts due to it being a destination wedding for us)
FH did NOT ask my parents for permission to wed

Using:
Farther & Mother walking down aisle (not my preference but I think they'd be very hurt if they didn't)
Engagement rings & wedding bands
Lightning candle ceremony
Releasing a single Dove (i think) OR the sand ceremony
Officiant
Money Dance

That's all I can think of for now.

 

[vc10um]

I know LoveLikeCrazy has made arrangements to elope, and past-LIW audball is eloping very soon! I'm sure they'll have resources to share.

Heres something I'm struggling with: Gifts. Registering. How are you ladies planning on doing it? I have no idea how to approach it, none of the options are very appealing!

How about amazon? One of my friends had their registry there and they have pretty much everything. If they don't have it, you can still add items onto their universal wish list and it just links to the outside website. There are honeymoon find sites too which people can just donate money but I know mny people may find that isn't the classiest way to go about it (although I will admit it's better than a honey fund jar at the reception...)

We did amazon and it worked out incredibly well. We also did BB&B because I knew there were some people who would want to actually go shopping (plus everyone has those 20% off coupons!). I was hell-bent on not registering, and I still didn't enjoy the process, but I will admit it was nice to receive gifts that we've actually USED and ENJOY rather than receiving a bunch of crap we couldn't use/hide in the basement/regifted.

 

[audball]

I'm in a different place than most of you because I already my traditional wedding. It was small and we included a lot of traditions (and got rid of a lot of them too - I think you should do what's meaningful to you and get rid of the rest), but when the SO and I get married (because I refuse to believe it won't happen) I think we'll elope. I still want a dress and a photographer, but the rest is open to negotiation. Anyone thinking of eloping? Any good resources for how to do it and still have a great day with your beloved?

Yay for team elope! Do you want to start a new thread so we can openly discuss without threadjacking here? I'm sure LLC won't mind joining us over there and there are a few other PSers who have eloped that may chime in if they see the proper thread title.

I don't lurk over here too often anymore but many of these girls know how to get a hold of me to grab my attention if I miss it!

 

[madelise]

Ooh, I got to look at the 'other' thread.


Lose:
- the changing of my last name to his. I'm either A) keeping my name the way it is on paper and going by Mrs. HisLastName just socially at events or whatnot, or B) Mixing our names together, without a hyphen. I hate hyphens. So far, I'm leaning towards the former. I'd hate to have to change everything. And I like my name.
- the flower girl/ ring bearer. I don't want young children present.
- cake smashing each other. I'd throw a hissy fit! All that money for makeup and hair, only to ruin it? No thanks!

 

[jennredsox]

I've though about this quite a bit lately and will be different than most--mostly because the distance. We'll probably have 2 weddings---a smallish relaxed but elegant beachside wedding in Australia and a larger/more formal one in New England. SO's family won't or can't travel to America and same with my friends/family to Australia. Will be tricky paying for it all, but hoping it will work out.

I'm thinking a spring beachside wedding in Australia in September and reception at a restaurant. For my side, my sister and dad will probably be the only ones able to come out.

Then fly to America with SO, my sister and dad, and whoever else can come out from SO's side and have a larger a bit more "formal" wedding in New England in October. My family is quite large, and traditional, so thinking a church wedding with reception anywhere where the fall foliage will be at its peak. It's my 1st marriage and SO's 2nd..it will be mostly his side in Oz and my side in America.

And then the honeymoon on the way back home to Australia.---Would love to go the other way around the world and do Europe for the honeymoon. But as everything else....depends on $$$$$.


USE:
SO to ring my dad for "permission" Its been so hard not being able to tell my dad anything when I talk to him on the phone the last few months
dad walk me down the isle and give me away
vows--traditional
unity candle lighting at American wedding
1st dance/father daughter dance/cake cutting ceremony


LOSE:
no engagement party/bridal shower---distance too much--maybe a small get together with friends instead of engagement party
forgo bridal registry for donations to travel/honeymoon fund
no bride side/groom side seating
have only a small bridal party---MOH/BM and maybe 2 bridesmaids/groomsmen
no bouquet toss/garder toss---all of our friends are married already
maybe a 2nd bouquet to put on my mom's grave or give to my grandmother instead of the toss


Here's hoping we can afford everything we want and it's not too much drama trying to plan it all

 

[star sparkle]

We had no first dance (no dancing at all, actually), no garter toss (I didn't even wear a garter), no bouquet toss, no bridal party, no bridal shower, no bachelor/bachelorette "parties," no rehearsal dinner, no unity ceremonies (but we did do a ring warming ceremony, which was nice), no groom asking anyone for permission. I'm sure there are more.

As for registering, our wedding was very intimate (only 14 guests!) and I wasn't super comfortable with registering for such a small group. But we DID register at one place (BB&B), and I only told people where we were registered if they explicitly asked. It was a good thing we registered because we had people who weren't even invited to the wedding who were super thoughtful and generous and asked if they could send us a gift, so it was nice to have a registry to refer them to.

 

[msop04]

Hey ladies!! I'm already married (March '13), but I thought this thread was fun and wanted to contribute my experiences. We had a destination wedding (Mexico), so that in itself isn't your traditional "church wedding"...

Use:
- living together prior to marriage
- discussing finances and debt (after all, you will share them once married)
- proposal
- engagement ring (duh!!)
- engagement announcements (we didn't do this, but wish we would have...)
- engagement parties (any excuse to party, right??!!) HA!
- bridal showers
- save the dates
- formal invitations & RSVPs (i.e. "snail mail")
- registries (esp the ones that tell you what has already been purchased)
- smaller, more intimate ceremonies
- not letting the groom see your dress until wedding day (his look is priceless!)
- good photography
- bouquet
- veil (fingertip length with no blusher)
- father walking bride down the aisle (although I love the elegance of the bride walking alone, I'm a daddy's girl)
- Corinthians verse, "Love is..."
- trying not to stress about all the details on the day of (just be happy!!)
- looking into each other's eyes during the ceremony
- the announcement of "husband and wife" and the kiss
- full-on reception with band and dancing
- cake cutting (hey, it's a photo op!)
- guest "book" (we used a matted and framed custom map from Etsy)
- the dreaded thank you notes (UGH! gotta do 'em!)
- keeping your maiden name as a middle name

Lose:
- not including the lady in picking out the ring (I designed mine from top to bottom... bless him.)
- abstinence before marriage (this is a personal choice, of course...)
- inviting a ton of people you don't know. At all.
- long, boring rehearsals
- any form of the following: Bridesmaids' luncheons, teas, etc...
- flower girls/ring bearers (I loathe this tradition)
- children at weddings/receptions
- using cameras, phones, iPods, or any other devices during ceremony
- cheesy poses (ex: where the wedding party is lined up and everyone is jumping for some reason , or the "bad girls/bad boys," and the one where all the bridesmaids are placed around the groom and his groomsmen with the bride <-- this also includes the groomsmen lifting and holding the bride on her side -- WTH is that??) ...I could go on forever.
- the "dose anyone object to this union" phrase
- registering for extremely expensive/extravagant gifts only
- releasing of doves (this cracks me up)
- crazy long ceremonies
- special ceremonies like unity candle (we did a sand ceremony ONLY because we were at the beach)
- wedding programs (I don't really get this aspect)
- wedding planners (I can use calendar and be just fine, thanks!)
- formal planned toasts (impromptu is ok)
- assigned seating
- daddy/daughter and mother/son dances (I'm a daddy's girl and a damn fine dancer, but this was just... AWKWARD)
- "At Last" as a first dance song
- smashing each other's faces with cake
- the garter toss (this is just embarrassing)
- the tossing of the bouquet (unless you're really young and have a ton of single friends)
- the losing of maiden names altogether
- going deep into debt

It's so interesting to see other's opinions on this! Thanks for getting through my LONG post!

 

[antiquesparkler]

MSOP04, Your wedding sounds awesome! Love your list!

 

[msop04]

MSOP04, Your wedding sounds awesome! Love your list!

Thank you, antiquesparkler!! Our wedding/reception was pretty dang fun!