Toxic Friendships

[blissfulbride]

Let''s share some stories of the friends who were around when we got engaged, then had to be dropped before or after your wedding because it was time to let go of the toxic friendship.

 

[dreaming of the day]

I would love to chip in, but in all honesty it actually brought my friends and I closer together. Sometimes life gets the best of us, and we don''t make time for everyone, but with the wedding it forced to make time to get together. I was able to mix my friend groups and everyone got along so well - I had a bridal party of 8!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Ditto. I got rid of my toxic friendships long before my wedding or even before I met my fiance.

In fact, my friends were the ones who made the family drama at my wedding so much more bearable...

 

[noelwr]

I can''t think of any either. which I guess is a good thing.

we actually don''t have that many friends. I KNOW - it sounds really sad, but we don''t mind. we actually love just being with each other most of the time because we like the same things. and we hate drama, so we don''t usually befriend people who are going through things and obsess about it. we also go through things (though luckily not much) but we keep them private and we wish others would, too. usually we just gossip the two of us about how great our lives are compared to everyone else.

sheesh, we''re so snobby. it wouldn''t surprise me if people decide to drop US!

blissfulbride - have you got any stories?

 

[sctsbride09]

NOELWR- Your post just made me laugh out loud, because my husband and I are the SAME way, lol. And I dont think its snobby to want people to keep drama to themselves, I dont mind sometimes, but everyday? Then it starts to make ME depressed. Sorry for the threadjack, back to the original question..Dh and I eloped, thus avoiding much of the drama that comes along with family and friends being involved in a wedding. So we did not lose any friends. But, we had done a pretty good job of weeding out toxic people (not friends in my opinion), when we moved in together. ETA- moved in together prior to marriage.

 

[Elmorton]

Ditto - DH and I are very lucky in love with each other and our friendships. If anything, our friendships have grown because I''ve become closer to DH''s friends and vice versa. Ohhhh to have the wedding again just so we could have our crazy mix of friends together for another night! It was the most fun I''ve ever had in my life, and I know it will never be that way again.

 

[everlong_x]

Less than one month before the wedding, I had to replace my MOH. She wasn''t supportive, kept suggesting we postpone and/or wait a little longer, and (not that it''s required or expected) never offered any help or suggestions. We''ve tried getting back to our friendship, but it''s been really hard. She''s living down in Austin while DH and I are in Dallas. I think part of the problem was the distance, she never got a chance to "get to know" DH. Not that she needed to know everything about him, I just wish she would have trusted and supported my decision to marry him.

 

[meresal]

Letting the friendship die was my plan for after the wedding.... well, that was before the week of the wedding, and my MOH set her up with her boyfriend's roomate, and they have been dating since.
I had been planning to let this friendship die after my wedding since before even getting engaged, but since I was supposed to be the MOH in her wedding a year earlier, I knew it couldn't really happen until after mine.

She now spends more time with my best friends than I do. Everytime I go back to town, there she is... AGAIN.

So much for that.

ETA: It's not so much that she is "toxic", she just doesn't have the sense to really care about anyone else. One of those people that doesn't bother to visit freinds out of the city, unless there is something in it for her. She almost missed my bridal shower because she told her current BF that she would watch his dogs, and then when they broke up and she did come, she was going to set up a date with a guy here in my area, for the night before the shower. Keeping in mind, in the 2 years I had lived here at that point (4 hour drive from where she lives), she had never visited, and was going to go on a DATE instead of hanging out with me. lol. Just a person that I stopped "really" caring about over 2 years ago, and was ready to be done with her for good.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 11/5/2009 10:08:37 AM
Author: meresal
Letting the friendship die was my plan for after the wedding.... well, that was before the week of the wedding, and my MOH set her up with her boyfriend''s roomate, and they have been dating since.
I had been planning to let this friendship die after my wedding since before even getting engaged, but since I was supposed to be the MOH in her wedding a year earlier, I knew it couldn''t really happen until after mine.

She now spends more time with my best friends than I do. Everytime I go back to town, there she is... AGAIN.

So much for that.

ETA: It''s not so much that she is ''toxic'', she just doesn''t have the sense to really care about anyone else. One of those people that doesn''t bother to visit freinds out of the city, unless there is something in it for her. She almost missed my bridal shower because she told her current BF that she would watch his dogs, and then when they broke up and she did come, she was going to set up a date with a guy here in my area, for the night before the shower. Keeping in mind, in the 2 years I had lived here at that point (4 hour drive from where she lives), she had never visited, and was going to go on a DATE instead of hanging out with me. lol. Just a person that I stopped ''really'' caring about over 2 years ago, and was ready to be done with her for good.

Mere! That''s awful!

Sorry to ask, but you said you were supposed to be her MOH the year before, I take it she didn''t get married?

I know someone like that...I met DH, dated him for a year, moved in, got engaged, got married and all the while, she''s been engaged twice and moved in with 3 different guy...is now dating someone else, etc....I wonder about people like that...

I am so sorry that you have to keep seeing her now. All I can say is that her pattern isn''t good and you will need to be there when her current relationship doesn''t work out. She will weed herself out of the group on her own once her true colors come through.

 

[meresal]

No, she didn't. That was her 2nd engagement to be called off. She was engaged when she was 19 and they mututally called that off, which I actually find really commendable. To be that young and realize that it just idn't "right". However, since graduating from college at 22, it has been ALL ABOUT getting married.

With here, it is just a new guy but the same "check list". When is say check list, this is what I mean:

After Break-up with last guy, and taking a "break" from guys to "find herself".

1. State that she is "really" ready for a good relationship.
2. Meet new guy.
3. Takes over his life as her "new" life. His friends, his hobbies, his HOUSE! She is literally with her BF's almost 6 full days of the week.
3. Tell everyone how new guy is incredible and the nicest/sweetest guy she has ever dated, and how she can't beliueve she stayed with "current ex" for so long.
4. Within 3 months saying I love you.
5. Around three months start talking about marriage.
6. All the while haveing stupid fights, but adamantly saying that they aren't the "same" fights she used to have.
7. Slowly fights get worse and she calls at least once every week/every other week, and then it eventually ends in some crazy dramatic fashion.

It's ridiculous.
This last guy she was engaged to, actually threw me for anything I expected. He was a recovering alcoholic that wouldn't go to meetings. He woudl show up late for work, and then when he got fired, she actually took his side, that it wasn't fair, because the coworker that picks him up is late also but didn't get fired. He bought her a ring and they got engaged, about 3 months later she found out she was pregnant, he started drinking heavily and would start hitting her, lost the baby at about 10 weeks, she stayed with him a while longer, and then about two weeks after he hit her, she finally left. The guy was a jobless bum that lived off of his parents. Thruout their engagement she called me "calling off" the wedding about 3 times. By the second time she called, my DH, actually while on our trip to NYC where we got engaged, told me that he refused to go to that wedding, because he couldn't watch it. He is not a fan, obviously.

She doesn't care who the guy is, she just wants to be in love, and she thinks that in love means "happily married" and/or talking about marriage and moving towards it.

She has now been with this guy since my wedding, 3 months ago, my MOH told me that she is there at least 5 night a week, and surprising, this time she is REALLY liking golf. Surprise surprise, her BF is and always has been an avid golfer.

I used to feel sorry for her. DH helped me realize that it isn't even worth crying over, when it isn't really a friendship. When she texts or calls to talk about her latest fight or sickness or drama at work, but never asks how I am. Or when I would ask her to come down for a weekend, and she would say she is too busy or sick, but then call me on Monday to tell me how she flew to St Luis on a red-eye Friday night to see this guy that she had "re-connected" with over facebook.

I have posts on here about her from 2 years ago. Let me find it! It's the same thing with every guy. Hard to believe but I promise, but it really is it's just a sequence of events with every guy.

 

[Amzizzle]

Wow meresal that''s awful!

Sadly though I have a friend that''s very similar. She is super successful,and is hitching her wagon to multiple dirtbags.The most recent being jobless and moving in with her after two months.He uses the "n" word all the time even though we have said we find it offensive and to please not use it.He screams at her in public places, etc...basically awful! She''s "in love" though big surprise....I wish girls like this would get some confidence and get rid of these guys!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Well, at least you know that her cycle is winding down or is at least near the peak.

How awful that you are burdened with this "friendship". I send you many hugs.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 11/4/2009 10:06:17 PM
Author: Elmorton
Ditto - DH and I are very lucky in love with each other and our friendships. If anything, our friendships have grown because I''ve become closer to DH''s friends and vice versa. Ohhhh to have the wedding again just so we could have our crazy mix of friends together for another night! It was the most fun I''ve ever had in my life, and I know it will never be that way again.

Ditto!! We had our local friends, our college friends, my high school friends - it was such a fun mix and we had so much fun. I wish I could do it all over again.

 

[meresal]

WannaB- It's funny how easily these "true" colors can be seen. All of my best freinds already know how she is, from what I have told them and now first hand, and the "big" red flag to me is that I think it's always a bit strange when a new girl comes around that has absolutley NO other friends. I am the only one. For some reason, my mom and DH say it's because I'm forgiving and don't like to see people hurt, she knew I would always listen. But, I am the only one that she continues to call when going from relationship to relationship. I was looking forward to not being that girl anymore. Luckily, for me, she is around all my other friends, so now I don't get the calls as much.

Amizzle- I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I wish I could say that my friend is successful as well. She lucked out with this guy. She has horrible spending habits, and is lucky to be dating a guy that pays for everything. She found a job right before the school year, literally 3 weeks before. I don't know what she would have done if she hadn't found it.

Ditto El- Our wedding night was the most fun! Got to hang out with all my besties!

I just have to add, that this "toxic" friend didn't stop the night of our wedding, lol

. She brought the guy she is dating now, and apparently he doesn't like dancing, so she danced to 2 songs, and other than that she sat at the table with him the whole night. I specifically said I wanted a picutre of all the girls dancing to a specific song, and when it came on I ran over to drag her out of the chair and she refused multiple times. Maybe this is selfish, but I was LIVID the next day! She also went straight to this guys house the next day without coming by our brunch the next morning, unlike each of the other BM's. (She has to pass my exit on the highway to get to his place, and then when I asked her if she was coming over, she told me she didn't feel well and was laying on the couch all day, conveniently leaving out the fact that she was on "his" couch all day.)

 

[DearBuddha]

I dropped a friend for several reasons, most importantly because we''d hardly communicated in the years prior to my engagement/marriage. Right after she heard I was engaged, she remarked to one of my best friends that "I probably wouldn''t even ask her to be a bridesmaid", indicating she too recognized that we weren''t as close anymore. Of course, when I didn''t ask her to be a BM, I became a "bad friend."

I bit the bullet and invited her to my bridal shower, but as it was a very informal get together, my mother neglected to send out invitations; everything was done via the phone and email. Everyone in attendance was fine with being invited via phone/email, except for this friend; she "never received an invite, so she assumed she wasn''t invited." Despite several of my BMs and my mother herself explaining the informal nature/just-show-up nature of the shower, she insisted she didn''t want to feel like a last minute invite, and she had already made other plans. Ok....

Obviously I was uncomfortable inviting her to the wedding by this point, and the fact that DH HATES this girl beyond belief just sealed the deal for me. Interestingly enough on the day of my wedding, she made the immature move of publically bashing my wedding via Facebook, which many of my guests saw and deemed "petty and childish." After the wedding and honeymoon was over, I sent her a letter trying to explain why I made the choices I did, and that I was sorry if she was hurt, and would she like to get together for dinner and sort our (lack of) friendship out?

Nope, not really. At the end of the day, I was a bad friend and she was better off without people like me in her life.

...........

We''ve not communicated once since my wedding a year and a half ago. We have lots of my mutual friends, but I avoid get togethers where she might be present, simply because this girl lives for drama and feeling like the victor. I can''t deal with it; I''m a reasonably well adjusted 26 year old married woman with a life; I ain''t got no more time for the drams.

Unfortunately, my wedding also cost me a very close familial relationship; someone I love very much was against my wedding and my choices, and I wasn''t considerate enough of her feelings to really work out our (long-festering, non-wedding related) issues. Hence, we''re on a break for the moment. Fortunately (Thank God), we can see a light at the end of our tunnel, and we''re getting to the point now where we can consider trying to make amends.

 

[katomm]

Never thought I''d be one to have a man/engagement/marriage come between me and friends but I am so sad to say it did. Friend #1 was jealous I was in a relationship and got downright mean. She had been single 3 years and was miserable. Unfortunately I see her at work every day and she talks about me to people saying I''m forcing FI to marry me. Horrible person!

Friend #2 is from childhood, BFF since 8th grade. She got engaged, obviously was thrilled for her, but she asked me opinion of the situation and I told her the truth. Big mistake, she cut me out of her life very quickly. Basically she met someone, engaged 4 months later, married 5 months after that. 4 months before the wedding he quit his job and decided not to look for another till after they got married. This friend came from a wealthy upbringing and makes good money herself. I never told her I thought he was after her money but when I found out she bought her OWN engagement ring because he had no savings I told her maybe this wasn''t the best idea. I do hope they are happy and I''ve been dying to email her to tell her I''m getting married but I''m not sure how she''d react.

Friend #3 had been my BFF for 7 years, she moved to another city 5 years ago but I managed to visit several times a year. When FI and I started dating I obviously went to see her less but made sure to call and email often. I brought him with me twice so they could meet. Her and her DH were coming to our city to see a play and were suppsoed to stay with us. The week before she called to tell me she was not comfortable staying in FI''s house (just for the record my name is on the house too and I had been living there for 4 months at this time) when she didn''t know him very well. When I told her I was offended and hurt I asked if they would come see us before that for dinner so she could get to know him better. She yelled at me for the next 10 minutes about how inconsiderate I was about her feelings. There were other things that had been bothering me but I decided to end the friendship since I didn''t want to deal with the drama anymore.

This has all happened in the last year. Now I have no close friends

FI is my best friend first and foremost but as for girlfriends, I have one that I hang out with once a week and a couple I see occassionally but no more BFFs for me. I think I''m done trying to make people like me for who I am and not how they want me to be.

Sorry for the long rant/post. I''m still very hurt by all of it.