Tourettes

[meresal]

My DH has this. Not the vocal kind, but the tics. His are confined to his face, and is usually just a twitch of the eyebrows every couple minutes... but will increase when he''s worked up or stressed out.

Well, starting yesterday, his entire face began twitching. Corners of mouth curling up, nose raising, eyebrows raising, and eyes closing. It''s freezing his whole face. I have never seen it this bad, and it scares me that he is even driving or working at machines.

We have a huge gala to go to this weekend, and I know that he is worried about being in front of and talking to people, with his entire face squishing up every couple of seconds. I want to help, but being that we have about half a day to work with, I have no idea what to do?

I am not a medication person, and gaffed when his mom called and suggested, for a quick fix, to put DH on some of his 91-yr-old grandfathers Parkinson''s medicine!!

He''s been on medication before for almost 18 years of his life, but it caused him to gain lots of weight and doesn''t want to go thru that again.

Does anyone have experience with tourettes?

 

[Novel]

I''m sorry to hear he is so nervous about this and the way its affecting him! I don''t know if this research went into practice, but my mother works with kids with Tourette''s and I heard about the use of Botox to control twitches. There is some info about it here. Good luck!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Meresal, my husband doesn''t have Tourettes, but my husband has moderate OCD which includes tics. When people think of OCD, they think of compulsive hand-washing, which isn''t the case with my husband. My husband is terrified of having bad thoughts and then can''t recall if they actually happened (this is the obsession). To combat the thoughts, he does rituals or tics (this is the compulsion). Before treatment, when he was very badly stressed, he might tic several times a minute.

D started getting treatment for his OCD a year or two after we started dating and his first psychiatrist started him on medication. He must have tried at least five types of medications (4 months each), but all of them made his mind feel muddy and becauese he''s a mathematician he HATED it...he eventually abandoned meds altogether. We found a psychiatrist that focused on behavioral therapy and that''s when things really started to turn around. D then focused on controlling the stress in order to control his tics. He practiced breathing techniques to relax him. We also started going to yoga together regularly (and trust me, my hubby is not a yoga kind of guy). D has always been athletic, but the dr. put him on an exercise program where he would do cardio 5 - 6 times per week. Hubby really got into this and started marathon training. The physical release from exercise relaxed his brain. I made sure to be a huge part of this as well, so that when he did get stressed, I knew how to HELP him stay calm to keep the tics at bay.

I know that OCD is different from Tourettes, but just wanted to let you know that behavioral therapy helped immensely for us. D will still occasionally tic, but it''s maybe once a week now. I often forget he has OCD. I think the key for us was that we were both committed to it--I wanted to make sure that I could help D as much as possible. I don''t know if he would have gone to those yoga classes alone, haha. I would highly recommend trying to find a psychiatrist that focuses on behavioral therapy and just see how you can be involved.

I know that won''t help for the gala coming up this weekend, but the more he can relax and not stress about it, the better.

I think I remember reading an article about Tourette''s being linked to diet--something about how yeast worsens the condition? I think that a healthy diet is always a good idea, but I never put a lot of stock into reports who feel that serious disorders can be cured by diet alone. Anyway, I''m not sure if you''ve seen anything like that...

 

[meresal]

NEL- Thank you so much for your post! I researched last night for over 2 hours, and I agree that the behavioral therapist is the best idea. I told this to his mom, and she insisted that you must have medication AND therapy. Which I do not agree with at all. DH has been off of his medication for over 2 years, and it has never even been remotely this bad. I didn''t even know "this" kind of bad was possible for him.

I was on anti-anxiety/depressuion meds for about two years, and decided it was time to stop when I began having anxiety attacks about never being able to live without the medicine. I decided that learning how to control my anxiety was better than hiding it with medicine. I love not relying of the pills anymore. I also don''t feel like an "outcast" anymore. (ie, I associated: Mediicine=I have problems... which I know that DH does as well)

I think that this would be GREAT for DH. Much like what your husband did. Learned how to live with them and control them himself. It is so empowering, and my DH really needs that. I just hate that his mom is hell bent on medicine. Things like this can be controlled if you are in tune with what is going on. That is why they have behavioral therapists to help you understand what is going on and help you with different techniques to minimize it and the stress.

I''m for therapy, she is for medication, DH just wants to feel normal. We shall see how this goes. Again, I really appreciate you sharing his story!

Novel- Thank you for posting that. I will be sure to read up on the Botox. i just worry that he will still be able to feel the twitching underneath the skin.

 

[Inanna]

Meresal, my FI also has tourettes and just like your DH, its expressed in "tics" not verbally. He was diagnosed when he was about 7 years old. It was at its worst when he was a teenager - he would repeatedly shift his head/neck violently backward (up to 100 times per day), causing severe pain and headaches. His mom is and has always been the type to promote medicating the problem, and since at the time she was his only caregiver, he was extremely heavily medicated, including Prozac (and I believe he also got Botox injections on at least one occasion, but I will have to check with FI on that tonight). Nevertheless, none of these "solutions" really worked long-term nor appealed to FI.

At age 17, FI moved out of his mothers house and moved to CT to live with his dad and step-mom. It was an entirely new environment and this also meant new doctors. His step-mom has had chronic fatique syndrome for decades and suggested that FI try acupuncture, which is the only treatment that ever helped ease her symptoms. He began getting acupuncture several times a week. Coincidence or not, that painful "tic" (throwing back his head/neck) completely stopped shortly afterward and in general his tourettes became significantly milder, allowing him to cease all medication.

FI is now 30 years old and still has a few mild tics. The most prevalent tourette is involuntarily popping his mouth while eating most meals. It drives him crazy, but is barely noticeable to those around him (including me). His tourettes are much more pronounced when he is stressed or anxious. He''s told me that wedding planning, moving, and starting a new job in the past year have all increased the intensity of his tourettes, but it is still manageable for him. Basically his treatment consists of going for acupuncture a few times monthly as needed and he is noticeably much more "at peace" afterward. He also exercises very regularly (4-5 times per week, at least an hour at a time), which he considers part of his treatment to relieve anxiety (stress/anxiety is SO related to the intensity of his tourettes). In addition, he does have a prescription for Xanax, but I would say he has taken it less than 5 times total this year.

Since your FI does not want to be medicated, would he consider acupuncture?

Also, this change in your DH is extremely sudden and dramatic! I have to wonder if this coincides with any sudden major life changes/additional stress in his life.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I know that for my DH, taking control of the situation without relying on the medication was essential to his treatment. Like you said, learning how to live with the disorder and being able to control it was empowering for him--the medication made him feel weak and dependent. The medication did help, and for a short time I think he did overlap the medication wth the behavioral therapy, but the goal was always to be able to control his tics on his own. As you know, the medications (if I remember correctly, I think they are called re-uptake inhibitors?) are extremely strong and for DH, the drawbacks significantly outweighed the benefits.

Also, my husband bought several books written by people with his disorder where they described their own journeys. He would read them when he was in a position like your husband--when he would get extremely stressed and would hit a low. He often felt frustrated because it was so out of control. He needed to stay motivated and reading others'' success stories, especially in cases that were much worse than his, made him feel a bit more positive. Sometimes he would read about their treatments and apply it to his own. It was a good resource because a.) they discussed treatments (like Inanna''s FI''s accupuncture--so interesting!) that he hadn''t considered and b.) the books kept him from feeling lonely--I think anytime you have a disorder that nobody can truly understand, it can feel lonely.

As Inanna mentioned, the major life changes you two are experiencing right now might be manifesting themselves. It sounds like you are both going about this in a very healthy way and I have no doubt you''ll push through it, but I know how frustrating and discouraging it can be when you''re at a low point.

 

[meresal]

I just wanted to give a bit of an update and vent a little bit.

DH went to the specialist appointment today, and the doctor gave him 14 10mg Lexapro and told him that he wanted to see him in 2 weeks. I asked him is he thinks it is Anxiet/Depression, and DH just replied, "Ya, I think that is what he thinks."

My problems:
1. Lexapro takes a while to get into your system. What is following up in 2 weeks going to do? I don''t quite understand.
2. I asked DH if the doctor mentioned doing a dual treatment with therapy as well, and he told me he didn''t even mention it.

I am not a proponent of just the medication, especially my husband. It worked for me when I was in school and wasn''t mature enough to enought o realize that there are other ways to deal with mild anxiety and depression than straight medication.

I asked DH to please just ask the doctor about the option of dual treatment, and he flat out told me he would not. He said that he wants to wait until the second meeting, which I guess is fine, but I just worry that it will never get brought up.

We talked before getting married, and agreed that after the wedding he would seek therapy about how to deal with all the stress and working for the family business, and now I feel like since he has this medication, everything will be "all good" in his eyes.

From my perspective, just because he is taking a pill, doesn''t mean that his dad is going to stop coming into his office and yelling at him for no reason, or his mom to stop calling and making rude accusations about non sense business. Those are things that you have to "learn" to deal with, they don''t magically go away with medication.

I know that this is partially a control issue. I think that I know best, "because I''ve been there". I need to hope that this is going to fix the problem, but my mind keeps telling me that it is a cruth.

DH has been on adderall for over a year, and I finally got him to lower his dosage b/c he couldn''t fall aseep at night. I don''t think he actaully realizes what this medication is supposed to do. I think he just sees it as a quick fix, and everything will be fine.

Anxiety and Depression is not a quick fix and it takes work to deal with in the mean time and eventually overcome. I don''t know how to just sit back and keep quiet.

Sorry for the vent. I know I need to just get over it.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I''m sorry you''re going through this, Mere! I so strongly believe that while medication *can* help, that many people are over-medicated and rely on pills for, as you said, quick fixes. My pharmacist SO agrees with this, even though without our drug crazed nation he wouldn''t be guaranteed a job.

You know the limits with your DH and how far you can "push" or "suggest" that he seek out dual treatment or ask the doctor about medication alternatives. If he opts not to ask at the next appointment, the most you can do is just be there for him and keep a close eye on his moods. Try to keep the lines of communication open and regularly ask how he''s doing. Be there in the wings if Lexapro doesn''t help the situation, so you can maybe arrange a meet with a behavioral therapist.

You''re angry and stressed because you love your hubby and want only the best for him. I''m not sure there''s much that can be done in the next two weeks, but your continued support with definitely help him through these times. Thinking positively for you both!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Oh, Meresal, I''m so sorry. I definitely understand your pain. It''s so frustrating to feel powerless over the situation, though it most certainly affects you.

Did the Dr. diagnose your husband with depression? I only ask because D''s doctor diagnosed D with depression on top of his OCD and explained that the depression was a product of the OCD and needed to be treated separately. D was frustrated because he felt that if he addressed the OCD and could control it, he wouldn''t have to take medication for depression. He only saw that doctor once.

You are absolutely right that his environment is not going to change and he is the only one with the power to try to control this. I realize he can''t control it, but you know what I mean--control how he responds to the stress.

My computer batter is about to die, I wish I could write more. I''m so sorry, I know you must feel very drained.

 

[asscherisme]

Date: 11/25/2009 12:16:01 AM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
I''m sorry you''re going through this, Mere! I so strongly believe that while medication *can* help, that many people are over-medicated and rely on pills for, as you said, quick fixes. My pharmacist SO agrees with this, even though without our drug crazed nation he wouldn''t be guaranteed a job.

You know the limits with your DH and how far you can ''push'' or ''suggest'' that he seek out dual treatment or ask the doctor about medication alternatives. If he opts not to ask at the next appointment, the most you can do is just be there for him and keep a close eye on his moods. Try to keep the lines of communication open and regularly ask how he''s doing. Be there in the wings if Lexapro doesn''t help the situation, so you can maybe arrange a meet with a behavioral therapist.

You''re angry and stressed because you love your hubby and want only the best for him. I''m not sure there''s much that can be done in the next two weeks, but your continued support with definitely help him through these times. Thinking positively for you both!

My son has it and his doctor wanted to medicate. After researching medication and seeing side effects as well as my worrying about the effects on his growing brain, I decided to go intense therapy route. I am SO glad I did. His ticks are way down. I mean way down to where unless you knew to look for them, they are barely noticable. My son is VERY happy we did not medicate him. I''m not closed off to the future if he needs it, however I think questioning medication and not blindly accepting it and looking for alternatives are really important.

In fact, his best friend has a lot of ticks and I notice them in his friend way more than my son.

 

[elrohwen]

Mere, I''m so sorry your DH is dealing with this!

Since you are both so anti-medication, I would suggest he find a new doctor who is a behavioral psychologist, not a psychiatrist. Psychologists cannot prescribe medication (have a PhD, usually, but not an MD), so focus much more on therapy to control issues (though most are in an office with a psychiatrist who can also prescribe meds). Both of my parents are behavioral psychologists and I know there are a lot out there. Someone with this background would be able to assess his situation and give him concrete tasks to work through it rather than relying on medication alone. Good luck!

 

[elrohwen]

Mere, I talked to my mom about tourettes tonight and I don't have news you want to hear

She said that currently, there is no behavioral treatment for tourettes. NEL's DH has OCD, which is very treatable with behavioral therapy, but she said there has been no known success in behavioral modification of tourettes and only medication is effective. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but she's been working as a psychologist for years (mostly with kids and families) so she knows a lot. There may be some new territory in tourettes that she isn't aware of, but in general it's a neurological disorder, and not in the same class as most "emotional" type disorders. Because it's a result of the brain doing what it wants, there isn't much you can do with behavior. Current medications are generally the old school anti-psychotics like Haldol, which tend to have a lot of negative side effects, but you probably knew that.

My only other question: Is your DH sure he has tourettes? My mom seemed to remember that tourettes always involves some vocal tic (often throat clearing or something similar, even if it's verys subtle) and can involve other tics. She's going to check on that, but if you're sure that your DH doesn't have any type of vocal tic, even a subtle one, is it possible he was misdiagnosed? If there's a possibiltiy, I would definitely get him in to see a neurologist, not a psychiatrist, to confirm that. Tourettes is a whole different ballgame from things like OCD, so I would make sure you have a definite diagnosis.

I'm sorry again that you and your DH have to deal with this

Good luck and I hope your research and his going to the doctor turns up something helpful. Just don't count out medication if it really is tourettes because nothing else has been shown to be effective at this point.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m sorry--I was assuming that because both disorders involved tics, maybe finding a way to make the brain relax could help for Tourette''s as well. But now I can understand that because OCD is more behavioral (and thus possibly more controlable), it is easier to treat with behavioral therapy.

I definitely understand how frustrating it is to want to be able to help somebody you love, but know that all you can do is support them. We are all here for you if you ever feel overwhelmed! It''s not easy being in the "supportive" role all the time while feeling helpless.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 11/26/2009 8:57:40 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I''m sorry--I was assuming that because both disorders involved tics, maybe finding a way to make the brain relax could help for Tourette''s as well. But now I can understand that because OCD is more behavioral (and thus possibly more controlable), it is easier to treat with behavioral therapy.

I definitely understand how frustrating it is to want to be able to help somebody you love, but know that all you can do is support them. We are all here for you if you ever feel overwhelmed! It''s not easy being in the ''supportive'' role all the time while feeling helpless.

NEL, I''ve grown up hearing about all of these disorders, and even I was totally surprised by my mom''s info. I also assumed there would be a similarity between your DH''s tics and Meresal''s DH''s and that both could be solved similarly (isn''t it amazing how regular exercise solves so many mental issues?). My mom''s going to look up more info though, because she''s very familiar with OCD, but sees very few kids with tourettes. Hopefully there are some newer treatments, but she hasn''t heard of anything

And I totally agree with you about how hard it is to be supportive but not in control of someone else''s issues. We''re here for you Mere! It''s really a good sign that he was so under control for so long and it makes me hopeful that there will be some solution for him that doesn''t involve the really tough medications often prescribed for tourettes.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Tourette's doesn't usually get worse with age - but rather gets worse with stress/life events. Maybe the doctor felt like his recent increase in tics is related to anxiety/depression, hence the meds. That being said, therapy may be really helpful for him if he is feeling anxious or depressed due to current life circumstances. I think that CBT and relaxation therapy could be really helpful... I would try that first. If he still doesn't feel better after 6 or so sessions, he could try combining meds with therapy.

It's interesting that Tourette's and OCD are HIGHLY comorbid... Seems like something similar is happening at a neurobiological level in both these disorders.

As an aside - if he is seeing a psychiatrist they usually rely on a medical model of treatment (i.e. meds). If you want therapy, I'd seek out a psychologist who has experience with adults with tourettes.

 

[meresal]

Thank you for your replies ladies, I''ll answer each of you one by one... but just wanted to update that luckily we haven''t really talked about it much at all. Kinda one of those things that is better if I just let be.

El- Thank you for talking with your mom. I appreciate you getting some answers for me. I guess deep down, I just want to have my DH start talking with someone about the things that are bothering him daily, work wise. He works for his family company, and his dad is not one of those "easy" managers. DH is the eldest and his dad who is not a necessarily nice person, tends to yell immediately and then leave before anyone can give an explanation. It can be extremely frustrating for him and makes DH angry.

As far as whether or not he actually "has" tourettes, you would have to talk to his mom or physician when he was in his early teens. I have no idea, but you have to understand that my MIL will follow ANY doctor diagnosis, and my DH will take ANY medication, so he is sure that he has tourettes, since he took medication for it for over 10 years. He stopped taking it about 2 years ago because it was causing him to gain weight.

NEL- Support is what I am trying to do. And by that I mean, not talking about it

ILTW- The doctor prescribed him Lexapro for Anxiety/Depression, and believes that this will help him. I agree that it is because of of these outside influences, but I wish that he would also see a therapist to talk about things that bother him, rather than just taking medication to make everything "smiles and puppy dogs".
Thank you for your input about the different techniques. If my DH brings it up, then I will say something again, but at the moment, I''m not ready to get into that conversation again.

 

[elrohwen]

Mere, sometimes being supportive does mean just being there for someone and not talking about the problems and I''m sure you''re doing exactly what he needs right now. Good luck to your husband and hopefully he''ll find a good solution for his problem that works for him. And I''m sure you''ll be there for him if and when he''s ready to talk about it.

I also wanted to add that I know how stressful job situations can be and I''m sure that''s extremely hard for him, especially because his boss is his dad. I hope his work situation gets better and less stressful for him at some point.

 

[meresal]

Well, apparently DH had his follow up appt today, and says he told me about it either last night or the night before, and I must have forgotten... aka, he didn''t tell me, b/c this is definitely something I would NOT forget... and then didn''t even bother to call when it was over this morning.

The doctor told him that his blood work was normal, which isn''t a surprise, bc/ DH had an entire blood work up done 6 weeks ago that was asked for by his regular doctor that he gets his other meds from. But of course DH didn''t tell the new doctor that at the first meeting.

Pointless...

Sorry, this post is pretty much pointless, just venting my frustration.

 

[meresal]

On a more serious note,

His eyebrow twitching was bad last night. Nothing more than eyebrow, but it was rapid. I didn''t bring it up, (You aren''t supposed to, I know this). Do you think it would be helpful for me to make notes of how often it occurs, what nights, and what the intensity it?

I wouldn''t tell him that I am doing it, obviously it would make him self conscious, but I wonder if it is something that would be good for him to have at his next appointment or any further ones down the line. I would give it to him before his next appointment.

This would not be for me, I''m just trying to figure out if I can help him in any other way? Though, from reading my previous post, it is probably obvious that he is not interested in my advice or help regarding this matter, and he would definitely take this gesture as me trying to "control" him somehow.

 

[elrohwen]

That''s tough, Mere! He''s lucky to have you looking out for his best interests.

I would probably hold off on keeping a log of things for now. You''d have to tell him about it at some point before his appointment and he might get upset that you were tallying things behind his back. Only you know if that would really bother him or not, but it does sound like he''s not interested in talking about it

I know how tough it is to want your SO to get help but have them resist it and I think all you can do is wait it out. I''m sure it bothers him and at some point he might want to get really serious about finding a solution - right now it sounds like he''s only going to the doctor that may not be able to help him and crossing his fingers that something will help. If this doc can''t help him, he may decide it''s time to take action.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/8/2009 4:10:56 PM
Author: elrohwen
That's tough, Mere! He's lucky to have you looking out for his best interests.

I would probably hold off on keeping a log of things for now. You'd have to tell him about it at some point before his appointment and he might get upset that you were tallying things behind his back. Only you know if that would really bother him or not, but it does sound like he's not interested in talking about it

I know how tough it is to want your SO to get help but have them resist it and I think all you can do is wait it out. I'm sure it bothers him and at some point he might want to get really serious about finding a solution - right now it sounds like he's only going to the doctor that may not be able to help him and crossing his fingers that something will help. If this doc can't help him, he may decide it's time to take action.

Thank you, but too bad he doesn't see it that way. He see's calling and talking to me about these kinds of things, as me bing like his mother and making sure he checks up. No win.

I won't do the tracking. I'm sure the whole thing would be misunderstood and just cause me more hurt. I almost broke down in tears at my desk over this, stupid hormones, but decided that it is best to just move on and not even bring up how it hurt me that he didn't call. It's not worth it, and not worth getting in another arguement over this doctor.

This is not my approach to anything, and I am always about sitting down and talking things out, but right now I think it just irritates him, and that is not what he needs. I just wish he would figure these things out for himself... I mean, how will he feel if I go to a baby appt and don't call to tell him what they have to say? Why can't he think of it like that, without me having to point it out?

Boys...

 

[elrohwen]

Yeah, guys are so tough sometimes. They want to be strong and take care of things themselves, but they don''t understand how that makes us feel. ((hugs))

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/8/2009 4:49:59 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/8/2009 4:10:56 PM
Author: elrohwen
That''s tough, Mere! He''s lucky to have you looking out for his best interests.

I would probably hold off on keeping a log of things for now. You''d have to tell him about it at some point before his appointment and he might get upset that you were tallying things behind his back. Only you know if that would really bother him or not, but it does sound like he''s not interested in talking about it

I know how tough it is to want your SO to get help but have them resist it and I think all you can do is wait it out. I''m sure it bothers him and at some point he might want to get really serious about finding a solution - right now it sounds like he''s only going to the doctor that may not be able to help him and crossing his fingers that something will help. If this doc can''t help him, he may decide it''s time to take action.

Thank you, but too bad he doesn''t see it that way. He see''s calling and talking to me about these kinds of things, as me bing like his mother and making sure he checks up. No win.

I won''t do the tracking. I''m sure the whole thing would be misunderstood and just cause me more hurt. I almost broke down in tears at my desk over this, stupid hormones, but decided that it is best to just move on and not even bring up how it hurt me that he didn''t call. It''s not worth it, and not worth getting in another arguement over this doctor.

This is not my approach to anything, and I am always about sitting down and talking things out, but right now I think it just irritates him, and that is not what he needs. I just wish he would figure these things out for himself... I mean, how will he feel if I go to a baby appt and don''t call to tell him what they have to say? Why can''t he think of it like that, without me having to point it out?

Boys...

Mere, I don''t have experience with the same issue, but maybe I can help shine a light on the bolded part.

I''ve been dealing with a heart condition for about 6.5 years now. I spent my senior year of HS in my cardiologist''s office being tested for a million different things. Since M and I started dating, he''s kind of tried to take over the care giver role when I have heart problems. Most of the time, I think it''s sweet, but sometimes it''s just SO overbearing. I want to manage my own health and make my own choices, and sometimes he''s in the background telling me what to do and how to do it and I just tune it out completely. Logically, I know he''s worried. I know he only wants me to be healthy and happy, and he''s sat in so many waiting rooms while I was getting good news and bad news, that logically, I know this is partly an "us" thing. But in the end, it''s a me thing. It''s my body, and I want to be the one choosing the doctors and the treatments and the daily management of it. Maybe he''s the same way.

To some degree the baby analogy is apt - his issue will affect both of your lives, and you''re a great wife and you want him to be healthy. But it''s also very very different. While the baby is growing in your body, it''s a part of him, too. I can see where he might feel that he needs to be informed of anything going on with the baby, but doesn''t feel a need to talk to you about his appointments right away.

I don''t know if that helps, but I hope so. I think you''re being a great partner by worrying and by letting him come to you about it. I know it kills M sometimes when he knows I''m having a problem but I won''t talk about it, but I get stubborn and want to just do it myself, KWIM?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Mer, just wanted to offer any support I can. I know it must be frustrating and you want to do everything you can without feeling like you''re stepping on his toes.

D and I have only had two very serious discussions about his OCD. One was about a year after we started dating when he decided to get treatment--I think he realized he couldn''t self-manage it anymore and if he wanted a healthy relationship he needed some guidance in managing it. The second was right after we got engaged because I was honestly concerned about how the stress of starting a family might affect him. He was also concerned about "teaching" his kids OCD...by the time we got engaged he had been successfully managing it for years, but as you know, any disorder can suddenly get worse for no reason at all. I just wanted to make sure we always had a plan of action.

There have definitely been a couple of times when I''ve flown off the handle because I feel like I can''t take it anymore. That hasn''t happened for several years now, but I remember the first year after he went to the therapist for the first time (and we tried every medication under the sun with no progress) was absolutely awful. I wanted to be supportive, but I very seriously questioned if I was a strong enough woman to handle it. Even after that there were times I had to leave and have a good cry because I was so frustrated and felt helpless. D took a series of very difficult exams over the past seven years or so that created so much stress I seriously thought he might have a mental breakdown at times and it made his OCD literally out of control. In times like that, I felt very torn between supporting his career decision and pushing against it because it was obviously terrible for his mental health even with all of the behavioral therapy he''d gone through. I never wanted to mother him, but I also wanted him to do what was best and at times I felt he couldn''t see what I saw. Anyway, I don''t mean to babble about myself, it''s just that I do really understand wanting to play the role of supportive wife and let him make the best decions for himself while also feeling a responsibility to keep your husband as healthy as possible.

If I were you, I would hold off on keeping a journal if you feel he won''t be responsive to it or if you think it might frustrate him. You might want to bring it up casually before attempting to keep a journal just to see his response...

 

[meresal]

Princess- Thank you for sharing your story and I definitely see where you are coming from. I will try to remember that a little more often. I guess what bothered me is that he didn''t even tell me about the appointment at all. Like it was no big deal.

NEL- I was actually thinking about you last night, and wondering why I couldn''t be more chill and accepting of the situation like you. lol. Thank you so much for sharing a light unto your past, it had made me realize that "chill and accepting" is a place that I still have to get to, as opposed to it just happening. I have a feeling this will not be the last time that I get upset about this issue, but I think I come out a bit stronger each time. (Hopefully...)

We went to dinner last night and I casually asked him about his appointment. I got some insight as to what asking my teenage son, when the time comes, what his day was like. Completely one word answers... "Good", "Fine", etc. I can handle not having an opinion, but I refuse to be completely in the dark and that is not fair to me, IMO. He talked a bit more, which as nice and then I found out a little bit more about the doctor.

It came up in conversation that the doctor mentioned talking to his mom about DH. Which completely caught me off guard, since I had no idea how this would have happened, unless she went up there for some reason...
Well, this doctor is not a specialist that his mom found that works with Tourettes/Behavioral Problems like she told me, it is actually the doctor that his mom takes her elderly parents to... his grandfather has Parkinson''s and Alztimers.

Can''t my husband do ANYTHING for himself that doesn''t involve his family?!?! I can''t believe I am the ONLY one that sees this. His stress and depression comes from his work and family environment (around his angry father all the time). His parents used to pay for everything and treat him like a child, and when I told him that them paying for things was over, surprise surprise, they stopped treating him like a child. However he still chooses to surround himself with family influences outside of work everywhere. I just can''t understand!

It''s like we are two completely different people. I only share with my mom and dad, what I want them to know. However, my husband, is going to a doctor that is treating him for depression, that sees him MOM on a weekly basis, AND is talking to her about him. Does anyone else see a problem with this?


I really need to get a life. I should not care. I just wish he would do something that is completely for himself, and maybe he would feel a bit more "in control". The only thing he does that is for himself is stop by the driving range on the way home from work once a month. Everything else is either for someone else, by the direction of someone else, or under someone else''s terms.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/9/2009 9:43:54 AM
Author: meresal
It''s like we are two completely different people. I only share with my mom and dad, what I want them to know. However, my husband, is going to a doctor that is treating him for depression, that sees him MOM on a weekly basis, AND is talking to her about him. Does anyone else see a problem with this?

I see a problem with this not just because he needs to get out from under his mother, but because it''s 100% illegal for the doctor to discuss anything about your DH''s treatment with his mom without a waiver.

I really sympathize with you but I don''t really have any advice

It''s a shame that your DH doesn''t see the connection between being stressed out by his family and controlled by them. ((hugs))

I really hope he figures this out for himself at one point, because you won''t be able to do anything unless he wants to change for himself.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:30:45 AM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 12/9/2009 9:43:54 AM
Author: meresal
It''s like we are two completely different people. I only share with my mom and dad, what I want them to know. However, my husband, is going to a doctor that is treating him for depression, that sees him MOM on a weekly basis, AND is talking to her about him. Does anyone else see a problem with this?

I see a problem with this not just because he needs to get out from under his mother, but because it''s 100% illegal for the doctor to discuss anything about your DH''s treatment with his mom without a waiver.

I really sympathize with you but I don''t really have any advice

It''s a shame that your DH doesn''t see the connection between being stressed out by his family and controlled by them. ((hugs))

I really hope he figures this out for himself at one point, because you won''t be able to do anything unless he wants to change for himself.

El- Thanks for your reply, I''m trying to remain level headed, as I know it is not an option to bring this up to DH. It will fall on deaf ears, and will only irritate him.
You can imagine how this comment stopped me in my tracks though. I specifically asked him if his mom was the one that brought him up to the doctor... since she has a tendency to be "involved" when she wants to be, but DH said that that doctor was the one that casually mentioned it. DH said it was something like, "Ohh, I saw your son a few weeks ago in here."

Which I don''t like at all. Seems harmless, but what if she hadn''t known that he was seeking treatment. Now I feel like the doctor has insinuated that it is ok to talk about DH when she comes in. Maybe I''m overthinking this? I just think it is not a good situation for him to be seeing the same doctor that his mom uses for his grandparents. (FYI, MIL is the primary caregiver for her parents and is with them at any and all doctor appt''s.)

We are building a house and moving to a part of the city that is about 45 minutes away from his parents, which I am hoping helps with the situation... but this conjoined doctor thing totally threw me for a loop.

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:49:42 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/9/2009 10:30:45 AM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 12/9/2009 9:43:54 AM
Author: meresal
It''s like we are two completely different people. I only share with my mom and dad, what I want them to know. However, my husband, is going to a doctor that is treating him for depression, that sees him MOM on a weekly basis, AND is talking to her about him. Does anyone else see a problem with this?

I see a problem with this not just because he needs to get out from under his mother, but because it''s 100% illegal for the doctor to discuss anything about your DH''s treatment with his mom without a waiver.

I really sympathize with you but I don''t really have any advice

It''s a shame that your DH doesn''t see the connection between being stressed out by his family and controlled by them. ((hugs))

I really hope he figures this out for himself at one point, because you won''t be able to do anything unless he wants to change for himself.

El- Thanks for your reply, I''m trying to remain level headed, as I know it is not an option to bring this up to DH. It will fall on deaf ears, and will only irritate him.
You can imagine how this comment stopped me in my tracks though. I specifically asked him if his mom was the one that brought him up to the doctor... since she has a tendency to be ''involved'' when she wants to be, but DH said that that doctor was the one that casually mentioned it. DH said it was something like, ''Ohh, I saw your son a few weeks ago in here.''

Which I don''t like at all. Seems harmless, but what if she hadn''t known that he was seeking treatment. Now I feel like the doctor has insinuated that it is ok to talk about DH when she comes in. Maybe I''m overthinking this? I just think it is not a good situation for him to be seeing the same doctor that his mom uses for his grandparents. (FYI, MIL is the primary caregiver for her parents and is with them at any and all doctor appt''s.)

We are building a house and moving to a part of the city that is about 45 minutes away from his parents, which I am hoping helps with the situation... but this conjoined doctor thing totally threw me for a loop.

Mer, that would throw me for a loop, too. Not cool.

As for him not telling you about the appointment - in a month or two I''d talk to him about it. Right now he won''t listen, but in a while when it''s less immediate (and thus, less like "nagging") I''d bring it up. It took me a long time to recognize that M wanted to know when I went to see a doctor, and that it was valid for him to be concerned and want to stay in the loop. Maybe keep a family calendar? That way you can all keep track of what''s going on in each other''s lives, and it may help him feel less like he''s being checked up on and more like everybody''s in it together, KWIM?

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:56:48 AM
Author: princesss
Mer, that would throw me for a loop, too. Not cool.

As for him not telling you about the appointment - in a month or two I''d talk to him about it. Right now he won''t listen, but in a while when it''s less immediate (and thus, less like ''nagging'') I''d bring it up. It took me a long time to recognize that M wanted to know when I went to see a doctor, and that it was valid for him to be concerned and want to stay in the loop. Maybe keep a family calendar? That way you can all keep track of what''s going on in each other''s lives, and it may help him feel less like he''s being checked up on and more like everybody''s in it together, KWIM?

Princess, I think that''s a good idea! He can see the baby appointments on there, his appointments, etc, so it might be more natural to talk about it. Though I wouldn''t bring it up for a little bit, as you said.

Mere, I totally agree that the doctor situation is a little out of hand. Legally the doctor shouldn''t even mention that he saw her son and he absolutely shouldn''t be talking about anything. I also agree that it''s a bit strange that DH is seeing the same doctor who deals with his elderly grandparents ... I assume this guy is either a general practitioner, so he won''t really be able to help your DH much, or he''s a specialist in elderly diseases, which also won''t help your DH. I hope when you guys move he''s able to get out from his mom''s control a bit. Maybe when you move he''ll need to find a new doctor who''s closer and you can suggest a more appropriate specialist - whether that''s a neurologist or a behavioral psychologist.

I totally agree that once you''re married, health business becomes the other person''s business, even if you sometimes want to keep it to yourself. This is probably a hard transition for him, but hopefully he''ll get to the point where he understands how he gets treatment directly impacts you. It''ll be tough for you to sit back and let him deal with it for a while, but also subtly remind him that he can''t keep these things to himself anymore - even if he''d like some time to think about it for himself, he eventually needs to discuss it with you at least a bit. It shouldn''t be like pulling teeth or nagging. I also believe tourettes can be hereditary, so since there''s a possibility the baby may have it, he should learn to get information and share it with you so that the two of you can know all you can.

 

[meresal]

Princess- I really like the idea of the Family Calendar! Only issue, getting DH to remember to write things down. I''ll try after the new year. We will be getting closer to the baby being due, and will have lots of things that we need to get done, so I can use that as an excuse for needing to have one that we both use.

El- I am trying to find out the doctor''s name right now, so that I can see if he is a specialist, and what it is that he specializes in. I know that there is nothing that can be said now, but I would just like to know for my own personal well being, and maybe it will be good to know sometime in the future since DH will continue to see this guy.