Top Ten Update!

[Chewbacca]

We already have a thread like this, but its all.. old. Our current top ten are:

1 Deia
2 MayFlowers
3 IndyLady
4 Glitz
5 vintagelover
6 CaprineSun
7 lktx
8 madelise
9 dragonfly411
10 pandabee


I'd especially love to hear from the top five spots, the old timers!

 

[cygnet]

TOP TEN WHERE ARE YOUZ?????!?!!?!???!!!

No replies.

If this were a top 25 update, I would say "hello I am cygnet, I am number 25, and I am not engaged yet."

 

[madelise]

hello I am madelise, number 8, and I am not engaged yet.

 

[pandabee]

Hello...I am pandabee your lovely listkeeper and not engaged yet! I think I have bling fever though...I can't stop looking at stuff on ebay and DB and coming up with ideas of my next bling project. I think the only cure is for me to have my precious Giselle (that's the name I have given my AVC in case you didn't know )

 

[lktx]

Not engaged yet, though we have our diamond.

 

[madelise]

The top 10 position usually moves slowly. I never thought I'd make it up to the top 10, let alone #8. I hope we aren't all stagnant.

*DUST*DUST*DUST*DUST*DUST*

Let's get this $hit moving!

 

[CaprineSun]

#6 checking in & still not engaged.

 

[Chewbacca]

#6 checking in & still not engaged.

I just saw in the other updates thread that you think it is imminent! High five to that!

 

[MayFlowers]

Still here, still not engaged...

I'm starting to get resentful because I just don't understand what is taking so long. BF got a very nice tax refund and we now have plenty in savings. We have lived in the house for almost 4 months now and haven't had to take money from savings once. So, we know we are in a good place financially.

A few months ago BF had mentioned something about "before March", but I feel like he has said a timeline like that so many times before that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. Plus, I really feel like it's not even on his mind. And I feel like every time I bring it up, he gets frustrated. So, I haven't mentioned it in a few weeks.

We have talked about getting two puppies at the beginning of summer. But at this point, I think we should just wait. If he feels like we can afford $2000+ on puppies, supplies for them and early vet care this summer, then why can't we afford a ring?!

If you can't tell, I'm getting pretty frustrated with this.

 

[CaprineSun]

Still here, still not engaged...

I'm starting to get resentful because I just don't understand what is taking so long. BF got a very nice tax refund and we now have plenty in savings. We have lived in the house for almost 4 months now and haven't had to take money from savings once. So, we know we are in a good place financially.

A few months ago BF had mentioned something about "before March", but I feel like he has said a timeline like that so many times before that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. Plus, I really feel like it's not even on his mind. And I feel like every time I bring it up, he gets frustrated. So, I haven't mentioned it in a few weeks.

We have talked about getting two puppies at the beginning of summer. But at this point, I think we should just wait. If he feels like we can afford $2000+ on puppies, supplies for them and early vet care this summer, then why can't we afford a ring?!

If you can't tell, I'm getting pretty frustrated with this.

((HUGS)) I totally understand! Sending dust your way for it to happen soon!

 

[madelise]

Still here, still not engaged...

I'm starting to get resentful because I just don't understand what is taking so long. BF got a very nice tax refund and we now have plenty in savings. We have lived in the house for almost 4 months now and haven't had to take money from savings once. So, we know we are in a good place financially.

A few months ago BF had mentioned something about "before March", but I feel like he has said a timeline like that so many times before that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. Plus, I really feel like it's not even on his mind. And I feel like every time I bring it up, he gets frustrated. So, I haven't mentioned it in a few weeks.

We have talked about getting two puppies at the beginning of summer. But at this point, I think we should just wait. If he feels like we can afford $2000+ on puppies, supplies for them and early vet care this summer, then why can't we afford a ring?!

If you can't tell, I'm getting pretty frustrated with this.

*big big hugs*!! Where's my hug emoticon when I need it? Have you told him that you'd want to postpone the puppies until the ring is here? Or what that an idea after you talked about the dogs?

I also gave up on timelines. SO hates giving them to me anymore, anyway, and our last timeline flew by without a blink of an eye from him when I confronted him. Meh. MEH!!!!

 

[vintagelover]

Number 5 signing in.... wow.. when I joined the list I was over a hundred...

There is really nothing new on my end, I too am feeling extremely resentful. For those of you who don't really know my story (I don't post much) I have been with my SO for over 9 years, we bought a house about 4 years ago, and still no progress. We last talked about it a few months back, I wanted a timeline and he wouldn't give me one.

Since then, I have pretty much "checked out", doing more things on my own, hanging out more with my girlfriends, going away on weekends to get my mind off of it. Waiting can do some serious emotional/physcological damage when it goes too far.

Anyways, I have been considering my options more and more and I think I will be packing my bags if nothing changes by summer..

Dust to all you top tens!! I hope you aren't going through what I am.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Mayflowers and Vintage lover, you really got me thinking; when is enough really enough?

I was talking with DH about this the other day actually. When we were dating, I told him I didn't want to get married in 2013 because it just didn't 'feel right' to me, so we would either need to get married in 2012 (which we did, per his decision) or 2014. Had he wanted to wait in getting engaged and married, that would have been fine for me, but we talked about possibly starting a family before actually tying the knot (I just turned 30 and we want more than one kiddo). DH says that he doesn't think I would have been the type of girl to wait around, so he wanted to snatch me up when he had the chance ( I totally disagree, because he is amazing and I surely would ahve waited to be married in 2014, if needed). But really, I don't know that I would have been ok waiting 5+ years before getting a lifelong commitment.

So ladies, when is your cutoff, or are you willing to wait forever? There is no judgement in this! I have a friend who has been with her guy for about 5.5 years without being engaged, so this obviously works for some people. I'm just curious if you have a plan to get the heck out if your guy doesn't make it happen.

 

[BriBee]

Number 5 signing in.... wow.. when I joined the list I was over a hundred...

There is really nothing new on my end, I too am feeling extremely resentful. For those of you who don't really know my story (I don't post much) I have been with my SO for over 9 years, we bought a house about 4 years ago, and still no progress. We last talked about it a few months back, I wanted a timeline and he wouldn't give me one.

Since then, I have pretty much "checked out", doing more things on my own, hanging out more with my girlfriends, going away on weekends to get my mind off of it. Waiting can do some serious emotional/physcological damage when it goes too far.

Anyways, I have been considering my options more and more and I think I will be packing my bags if nothing changes by summer..

Dust to all you top tens!! I hope you aren't going through what I am.

This is so frustrating...hugs to you. I applaud you for maintaining your independence and friendships and girl time. Your story makes me sad but I also admire you for having the resolve to take action if you're not getting what you want.


Stacy...I think you pose some interesting questions. For me, a lot of the answers depend on age, life experiences, goals, school/job situation etc. When I was younger I would have been much more content waiting longer. My first FI and I were together over 3 years before getting engaged, but looking back on that I think that was still pretty quick and I would have been fine waiting longer.

Now, I am turning 30 in just about a week, and SO is 34, and our timeline has been much different. SO already has a son and wants at least one more child and age/time obviously becomes a factor for women in their 30s. A few of my friends have mentioned something along the lines of "Wow, you guys are on the fast track!" This irks me a little, but I know they love me and don't mean it in a negative way. But, I don't necessarily think we are "fast tracking" given our ages, and our goals (we've been together almost 2 years). I also think it's funny when these comments come from my friends that have already been married for several years and have children.

I'm obviously not in the same boat as some of the ladies that are still waiting, and I think when you are young waiting longer is better, but there is definitely a breaking point and I don't understand these guys that "refuse" to give their ladies a timeline. Are they wanting to maintain an element of surprise? Are they not ready? I think it stinks when a guy can't be honest about this...I think it can stem from them not being ready to get married, but also not wanting the woman to walk away either. In either case it's not fair because a woman should have all the information so she can make the decision about what is best/right for her.

 

[Chewbacca]

HUGS to you Mayflowers and vintagelover!

You didn't address me StacylikesSparkles, but I'm going to chime in anyway!

SO and I are at six years, and I still feel room for more without marriage, provided I feel we aren't just paddling in circles - enough is enough if I truly feel as though we aren't a team working together. I think thats the key for me! Being mid/late twenties, we have a fair amount of wiggle room.

PS. Was it the number 2013 that put you off?

 

[MayFlowers]

Mayflowers and Vintage lover, you really got me thinking; when is enough really enough?

I was talking with DH about this the other day actually. When we were dating, I told him I didn't want to get married in 2013 because it just didn't 'feel right' to me, so we would either need to get married in 2012 (which we did, per his decision) or 2014. Had he wanted to wait in getting engaged and married, that would have been fine for me, but we talked about possibly starting a family before actually tying the knot (I just turned 30 and we want more than one kiddo). DH says that he doesn't think I would have been the type of girl to wait around, so he wanted to snatch me up when he had the chance ( I totally disagree, because he is amazing and I surely would ahve waited to be married in 2014, if needed). But really, I don't know that I would have been ok waiting 5+ years before getting a lifelong commitment.

So ladies, when is your cutoff, or are you willing to wait forever? There is no judgement in this! I have a friend who has been with her guy for about 5.5 years without being engaged, so this obviously works for some people. I'm just curious if you have a plan to get the heck out if your guy doesn't make it happen.

Well BF and I have been together for almost 6 years now. However, we are both still young. We started dating at 18 and have been together since. We talked marriage and made serious plans about 3 years in and I was bitten by the engagement bug. I'm so glad that we didn't get engaged back then, no matter how badly I wanted it at the time.

Things have happened within the last couple of years with BF's family that have made him choose not to have a relationship with his mother's side. Because of this, we knew we didn't want to get engaged until after he moved away from his mother. Since I was unable to find a full time job last year, it wasn't financially feasible for him to move out or for me to move in with him. So those things kept me waiting. However, now I feel like the "true" waiting has begun. BF got a promotion right before we closed on our house and I now have a stable full time job. So, we have accomplished everything we wanted to do before getting engaged.

As I mentioned in madelise's waiting thread, though we have discussed marriage and plans for 3 years, I feel that I have really only been waiting 4 months. I joined the list too early on and after that I was waiting for us to both accomplish things before taking the next step. With all that said, I really don't know how long I can take this kind of waiting that has no defined end in sight. I love BF more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Right now, I don't have a plan to "get out" and I hope I never have to make such a plan. But, I may eventually have to have a serious conversation about what his hold up is. I know he is already stressed about the wedding because his family wounds are still fresh. I have a feeling that is what is holding him up.

ETA: Thanks everyone for the hugs!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

The question was open to everyone, so thanks for the answers Beecushion, Chewbacca and Mayflowers! Your responses make total sense for each of your situations

 

[krispi]

So ladies, when is your cutoff, or are you willing to wait forever? There is no judgement in this! I have a friend who has been with her guy for about 5.5 years without being engaged, so this obviously works for some people. I'm just curious if you have a plan to get the heck out if your guy doesn't make it happen.

I think the answer is different for everyone depending on their circumstances. In my previous relationship, it was when I was at my rope's end and just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like my only option at that point was to get out. Nothing had worked - including couples counseling. Our counselor finally gave him an ultimatum because I couldn't bring myself to verbalize one. She just happened to name the internal deadline I had in my head. When the deadline came and went with no change on his part, I knew I had to leave. I had told him I wouldn't wait around forever, but I guess he decided to call my bluff. (We had been dating a little over 4 years at that point and were both in our 30's. He had some pretty serious commitment issues that we were hoping counseling would overcome...)

This time around, things have been totally different. Marriage was just an organic extension of our relationship - it came up naturally in the course of time, and there has been no begging, pleading, or arm twisting. (Although, I did get a bit impatient for the actual proposal after he'd had the diamond for a few months with no progres...)

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Krispi - I totally agree that it varies, based on the couple, age, etc. Us ladies know when we're being strung along, so if that is happening and no resolution in site, it really does make sens to cut your loses...congrats on being with a better guy this time around!

 

[aviastar]

Krispi - I totally agree that it varies, based on the couple, age, etc. Us ladies know when we're being strung along, so if that is happening and no resolution in site, it really does make sens to cut your loses...congrats on being with a better guy this time around!

I don't post over here much, but I think you've hit the nail on the head with the bolded; being strung along is different than walking path together. And it can be hard to tell the difference, but I think deep down we probably know much earlier than we admit if it doesn't feel right.

I had this conversation with a guy friend a long time ago; he hated the 'where's this going' mentality because it implied that there were benchmarks along a linear path to be checked off and that the checking off was more important than who you were checking them off with. I struggled to try and explain that most girls don't actually think about it like that, and we were probably using the wrong terminology. It's more like- Hey is this continuing to evolve, get deeper, intensify or has the relationship stagnated? I think stagnation (and especially if it's for no discernable reason) is one of the hardest things to identify and then move on from- cause there's no reason to leave or be unhappy...except that you are.

In my own experience, I always knew loooooooong before I was willing to do anything about it when a relationship had stopped growing. And I also knew with now-DH that it never stopped, it was always, always, always getting better. I did get frustrated waiting for a proposal (I don't really know anyone who hasn't), but nothing felt stale in our lives together so I never worried that it wasn't coming at all, just annoyed that it wasn't coming right now!

So yeah, I think we do know when we are being strung along and that's a terrible feeling, and one that's very hard to deal with, because it doesn't make much logical sense.