Too Bad, So Sad

[snuga]

I'm blue...

I have been bummed recently, so I thought I would post here and maybe let some of my sadness go...

My boyfriend and I had been planning to move in together late this summer or early fall... well it's officially NOT happening due to a lot of different factors, mainly his parents disapproving of us living together before marriage, which by the way, was fine for his sister to do, but not for him and me...

I am just so disappointed that this fell through and wondered if anyone had been through this/is going through this/has any advice on how to see the lighter/brighter side of this situation, because right now I just want to cry...

Thanks in advance

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry to hear that! It sucks when projects and plans don''t work out...

*hugs*

 

[XChick03]

I''m so sorry.

I wish I could say I relate, but my boyfriend and I do live together. Sometimes I wonder how our parents really feel about it, but they''ve never said anything. I honestly don''t think I could marry someone without first living with them because you learn a lot more about the person...like how much of a slob he can be.

But I wish you luck and hope things work out for the best. Maybe this will just make it even more exciting when you do move in together. Or maybe it will inspire your BF to propose sooner.

 

[stermag]

Kalispera,

How old is your boyfriend? I don''t wish to be disrespectful of anybody''s values or traditions but it seems to me that your boyfriend did want to go ahead with your plans, otherwise you wouldn''t have made them, right? In which case, it is primarily the will of his parents that is putting a spanner in the works. While it is important to many to appease one''s parents, I think that at some point, the time comes to make decisions for ourselves...

Perhaps your boyfriend just needs a little time to reconcile his own convictions with those of his family. Not all is lost yet, believe me. It may be a delicate situation, it may make some people frown or raise an eyebrow or two, but there is still a good possibility the two of you will go forward with it in the end.... After all, it''s what you both want and that often tends to prevail...

 

[GGLW]

I''m so sorry to hear about your situation. That does seem awfully unfair of his parents to judge him and not his sister...
That being said, the brighter side of this could be that once you do eventually get married and move in together, you will still have that exciting newness of living together that you may not have if you lived together before being married.
I live with my BF but sometimes I do wish we would have waited until getting married to move in together so you can start your married life with a more significant change like moving in together.
Anyway, hang in there...perhaps his parents will change their mind, or maybe with time you will be less upset about the situation and try to focus on looking forward to the future when you can move in with him.
Good luck!!!

 

[SoonIHope]

Oh, kali, I''m so sorry to hear that!! I would be so disappointed too. I''m sure things will work out in the long run though, so this is just one more bump along the road, but you WILL be able to live together in the not too distant future!!! Just remember that it IS coming, and the wait will make it even sweeter when it happens! Good luck!!!

 

[snuga]

Thanks everyone! I am definitely trying to feel better about the whole situation, but the thing that really frustrates me is his parents double standard between him and his sister.

Either way, we are trying to do the "right" thing by appeasing his parents, otherwise his mother will make our lives a living hell (some of you might remember the crazy woman she can be by some of my other posts)...

 

[Lorelei]

I am so sorry this isn't working out the way you want it to at the moment but I try to look at these things in this way. If something isnt working out the way I want at the moment, I try to take it as a sign that something better will be around the corner and things will happen when they are meant to for the best outcome. I am sorry too if his parents are being difficult, but it will work out for you and possibly be better in the long term for having to wait a bit. I was in a similar situation years ago with my BF - now Husband. Property prices in the UK were rising rapidly and we bought our first house a year before we were married and moved in together. We were quite young and DH had to hide the fact we were living together from his parents, luckily they were in the States so it wasn't a problem!

It does seem unfair, but maybe by respecting your BF's Mother's wishes at the moment might reflect well on you in the future, but in time you will both have to do what is best for you as a couple.

It will all work out for you, take heart!

 

[snuga]

Date: 2/21/2006 12:54:36 PM
Author: stermag
Kalispera,

How old is your boyfriend? I don''t wish to be disrespectful of anybody''s values or traditions but it seems to me that your boyfriend did want to go ahead with your plans, otherwise you wouldn''t have made them, right? In which case, it is primarily the will of his parents that is putting a spanner in the works. While it is important to many to appease one''s parents, I think that at some point, the time comes to make decisions for ourselves...

Perhaps your boyfriend just needs a little time to reconcile his own convictions with those of his family. Not all is lost yet, believe me. It may be a delicate situation, it may make some people frown or raise an eyebrow or two, but there is still a good possibility the two of you will go forward with it in the end.... After all, it''s what you both want and that often tends to prevail...

stermag, I completely agree. We had been planning this for quite some time and initially his parents were uncertain but knew we were adults and it would save us both a great deal of money, so they said fine... Then as the time came closer and the lease renewal time crept closer and closer, it became a HUGE issue with his mother. She still says its fine for us to live together if we get married within the year, and I definitely don''t think that putting such restrictions and pressures is the right way to go about marriage.

 

[snuga]

xchick03, gglw, albicocca, and lorelei, Thank you so much for your kind words... Maybe you guys are right, and something better will come from this.. Things are great between my boyfriend and myself, and I guess I should consider myself extremely blessed to have such a great guy.. We have been through SO much together, and I know that we can handle this too. Thanks again!

 

[Caribou]

Oh Kalispera

I''m sorry. What are their reasons for you not wanting to live with him? Is it religious reasons? Old fashions thinking? Your ages? Finances?

For me, I don''t understand someone not doing something because their parents don''t approve. It makes me want to do it even more...I know I know real mature, caribou.

My friend has this same issue with his parents. Very reglious people, didn''t believe in living together before marriage, probably truly believe that all their kids waited until they got married do....well you know. His brother and his wife, didn''t live together the entire 12 years they were dating before getting married. My friend and his wife (My MOH) didn''t live together until a couple months before their wedding and they had to keep that hush hush. His sister, who is divorced, lives in CA with her boyfriend and moves out his stuff when the parents come to visit.

They are: sister, 38, brother, 36 and my friend, 33. To me it''s ridiculous...at that age their parents need to accept their ADULT children''s wishes and understand that not everyone agrees with thier values.

I have lived with boyfriends. Neither relationship worked, I can''t say that it was because of us living together but it didn''t do any good for the relationship either. My FI will not live together until we are married, it''s what we both want. I hate when I''m with him and have to go home, it sucks BUT the anticipation of knowing that I will one day be living in the same house with him is enough to wait..it''s exciting I think.

When I''m there, I look around his house and think of how I would decorate it.

In all this time of not wanting to leave or decorating his house in my head, I have not wished that we lived together now.

 

[AndyRosse]

Oh kalispera, I understand your situation! My parents and my FI's parents are both very traditional when it comes to living together before marriage. But what it came down to was that FI was buying a house, and I could not see how it was financially responsible of us to maintain two separate residences when we would only be using one. So basically, we told our parents that we respect their opinions, etc., but this was just the best situation for us. His parents actually took it better than mine, but in the end, there was no WWIII or anything of the sort

.

And maybe this isn't the best attitude (and obviously my relationship with my parents is unique), but I always approach decisions like this one with the mindset that I am an adult, I am financially independent, and I am therefore free to make decisions that are in my best interests, not my parents. I know it sounds b*tchy, but I cannot get over the idea that I should be unhappy just to appease my parents when the fact is that I am no longer a child, dependent on my parents. I also like to remind my parents every so often that I could be soooooooo much worse. I mean, I could have five kids by now, be in jail, be addicted to drugs, etc. Instead they have a responsible, independent, college educated daughter

.

Now obviously I don't know the exact facts of your situation, and you and your FI obviously have other concerns to consider when making your decision (like the FMIL from hell apparently

). So it seems in your situation that you and your FI are making the decision that is best for you, and I'm just so sorry that it is not the decision you would have liked to have made. But I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders, since you are not rushing into marriage just so your FMIL will "bless" your living together. So until the "right" time comes, we'll be here for you!!

 

[anchor31]

I know how frustrating it can be to have parents interfering with your relationship. My SO could probably relate to your situation... He would like us to move in together next summer (and so would I), but we decided it was best to wait for various reasons, including because my parents would not approve and would stop paying my rent and groceries, which I depend on. It''s not a religious thing, it''s about me finishing my school, but it''s not like I''m going to drop out of school to get married, like my mom did...

If I didn''t depend on their support, I would move in with him sooner. But school''s hard enough without working at the same time, and I''d rather not get into debt if I have the chance to avoid it. Sometimes I feel guilty about this, I know it must be frustrating for him, but I still think it''s the best thing to do right now.

I don''t know the whole story, but who knows, maybe it''s best for you too. It will still happen sooner or later, and you might find out it was a good thing you waited. Hang on in there!

 

[snuga]

Thanks again everyone! I think his mom doesn''t like the "appearance" of living together before marriage. She is very superficial when it comes to how her friends/family would think about a situation like this. She doesn''t think it is "proper". My parents on the other hand totally encourage it and have sworn that if we decide to live together anyway, that they would keep up the lie for us if his parents asked..

I had to laugh!

While he is financially independent and TRULY does not really care what she thinks about things, the drama which would ensue if we lived together could possibly destroy any future relationship with her. While I am fine with this, my boyfriend is obviously not because it is his mother. He had a broken relationship with his father and when he died, my boyfriend had to analyze his relationship with his mother. He basically decided that, "yes she is crazy, but I want her in my life". It is hard to argue with him about cutting her out of our lives when I know how much pain he went through with the relationship with his father.

We want our children to have a relationship with her, even if it is heavily monitored by us and not an everyday occurance.... It seems crazy, but she would hold something like this against us forever... She does not let go easy and has already cut family members out of her life. I am all for pleasing and appeasing until a certain point, while I have reached my limit with her, I have to respect the fact that my boyfriend hasn''t.

Sorry about the rant and thanks again for all the responses, they really do help!