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To married PS''ers... is the first year really the hardest?

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I was just at a work meeting and somehow this very topic came up. Half the ladies immediately were like "oh god, the first year was the worst" while the other half simultaneously said "oh no, it was great!".
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So I guess it really does just depend...

Now what I want to know is what all the hubbies think! That would be interesting.
 
First year of having a baby is the hardest on so many levels. The adjustment as an individual, parent, couple are huge. Every one of my mothers group friends who I have talked to will testify the same. Apparently the next hardest is living with teenagers - but not there yet
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D2B
 
Not to overly generalize, but each phase has its challenges. If you did not live together prior to marriage, there is the adjustments of who is neat and who is not, or who does what household chores, or how is extra money or time spent. Of course that can last for a while, but tends to calm down. Buying a new home, illness in a family member, losing a parent, these all add strain too. Newborn babies, when to have another one, dealing with issues if a baby or child is unwell, also adds strains. Maybe there are financial reversals, jobs lost, etc, that also can add stress. And often it seems they hit all at once or in close proximity, which really compounds things. I think it tests your strength as a couple to deal with things. Respect for how each views things, or wants to do things, is an evolution over time versus a one time jump, in mho. And we are always adjusting and working on different aspects of living together.
 
For us, months 5-9 were HARD. We argued a lot, and it was just like the honeymoon phase was beginning to fade and "real life" was busting in. You know?

We had a lot of adjusting to do, and we are still settling into one another, but it''s wonderful. Even the rough spots were fun. It helped us learn to trust one another, even when we''re upset, we still love one another. That''s an important thing to know, feel, see, experience.

Our first anniversary is this weekend, so I have no other year to compare it to, but if every year is as good as this year, we will be blessed, indeed!
 
ellaila, no pillow fights here either! You're right.. I don't know any other couple in real life that does

that either!
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By the way, congrats on your twins! I followed your story on the Pregnancy Board but didn't realize you'd had tehm already.
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Finances and insurance... I didn't think about that one. We haven't merged accounts yet either - I wonder if that might cause more disagreements or less, though.
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Probably more.. hmmm.

Interesting answers all around, though! I guess it really depends on a lot of things. Aside from a new baby and other stressful life events etc,, do you think personality has a lot to do with it? I was thinking today ithat couples with similar personalities/values/lifestyle etc. probably have an easier first year than couples who have opposite ways of seeing/doing things? Maybe it takes longer for those couples to adjust to operating as a team? DH and I are pretty similar, but the areas in which we do have conflict are in the areas where we have different values and ways of doing things - like swearing. He likes to swear and I don't at all. So I get mad at him a lot for that.

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sha i think it def has to do with personalities and ways of doing things. also i think age comes into play. we were both older and had lived on our own for a long time, aka gathered a lot of bad habits hehee. so of course when you mesh two lives togther, esp people who have distinct personalities and ways of doing things, you might butt some heads trying to get things worked out in a way that makes everyone happy. our friends who got married younger like right out of college or similar seem to not have had such a time of getting used each other''s ways because i think they were more flexible without even realizing it.

funny though, we have been together 8 years now and i was just thinking the other day about how i used to do something...and now i do it entirely different now that i have lived with greg for so long. oh i know. english muffins. i used to make them in the oven. which is what my mom always did. and greg puts them in the toaster. and i was like EW they get all crunchy and i like the soft bottoms in the oven. and he liked them crunchy. since i made them, i''d make them my way and he would just eat them. it was like this for at least 4-5 years, he would always say ''use the toaster'' and i''d make a face and use the oven. well i dont know when it happened but now i use the toaster! i was just putting it away the other day and stopped and was like HEY now i use the toaster. how random is that??? and i like them crunchier now too. hahaha. life is funny sometimes.
 
I think personality is at the core of it all, as it is with life in general. If you are an easy going type things are just not going to get to you as easily as if you are more high strung. You might not sweat the little things, which can help avoid some of the more nit picky fights that can occur. Sometimes when hubby and I fight, the issue is a symptom, and if we really look deeper we see that the issue itself is not that big of a deal, but more so how we both perceive things and process stuff. I am sensitive and tend to get upset more quickly, and think he is madder than he really is, because I am sort of programmed to hear it in a negative way. (I HATE being criticized and it really makes me defensive). He is much more laid back about the stuff that makes me crazy, while he is very precise about the house and bill paying. Our deal is he pays all of the bills except I write checks for our extra sitters and pay the handwriting tutor who comes to work with my kindergardner, I also pay for the music teachers etc since I am home when they come and hand me their bill. Mostly since he is so detailed I just said, hey, let''s not fight because I know my bookkeeping methods will upset you, so if you just do it and do it in the manner that you are comfortable with, we won''t fight. I run the house, decide if we need carpets cleaned, call the plumber, do the grocery shopping, organize the house, get the kids haircuts, get them to their activities and doctors appts, pack them for trips and summer camp etc. So far it works pretty well. However, we are still very different people, in how things hit us or affect us, so it is always a work in progress, a balancing act, to make it all come together.
 
Diamondfan, have you been married for long? It sounds like you and your DH have found a good way to balance things, taking into account your different personalities. Yah, sometimes I guess you just have to disagree on some things. And some things are not worth fighting over too. Mara - that''s funny about the muffins. I guess we all do things the way we''re accustomed to - and those things just seem right and ''normal'' to us. The other day DH almost had a heart attack because I cut an apple and didn''t cover it with saran wrap before putting it back in the fridge. He was like, "Hon!! You don''t DO that!" I was like, "Uhhh... since when? I''ve NEVER covered fruit I put back in the fridge. And I''ve NEVER seen my parents do that either". He almost died.
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I guess that''s where the adjustment comes in too. Two different backgrounds coming together. I lived with my brother before getting married. One of my friends was very wise when she said, "Think about it... you fight with your brother all the time right? And you two are from the same family - the same background - the same way of being raised - the same values. And you still fight! How much more do you think you will fight with someone who comes from a completely different family?". I thought that made a lot of sense.

Fisherofmengirly, congrats on your upcoming anniversary!

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funny, i''ve been thinking about this lately too, probably because we just made our first year of marriage in november. it was a really good year. and i''ve heard so many times that if you can survive the first year, then you can survive all the years. but i don''t know about that. i mean, really? is the first year soo terribly bad? ours definitely wasn''t. it was actually pretty darn fabulous. we accomplished a lot with the purchase and building of our first house. and i can''t recall any terrible fights or really bad times.

not to be negative, but i know that we can''t sustain this forever. i know we will be tested. whether it''s sickness or death or, i don''t know what.

on the positive side, i think that our personalities do have something to do with our overall happiness. we''re opposite enough but still get and understand each other. we both have different ways of doing things and different strengths. once that''s figured out, we just work that to an advantage, to where our relationship benefits.

i think our first year we really grew stronger and closer and we did so together.
 
We really enjoyed our first year of marriage (we''ve been married a little over 1.5 years). We had lived together before we got married for a total of about 3 years, although the first year was in college and we weren''t formally living together - I had an apartment off campus and he had a dorm room, but I was in a bad car accident and needed a lot of taking care of and so he ended up basically living at my apartment a lot, and that was tough for both of us.

I can honestly say on behalf of both of us, because DH and I have discussed this a lot, that we both think being married has been a ton of fun. MUCH less stressful than being engaged - there was so much family drama and money stress, and now it feels like (life permitting) we get to enjoy each other much more without background noise.

I think for us the feeling that we are truly best friends was there from early on in our relationship and it has persisted. We love to spend time together, but we also both have separate independent interests and career paths and friends and by balancing those two things we manage to really do pretty well.

We have a division of labor similar to what diamondfan described - DH deals with bills, money-related stuff, health insurance, all of which drive me nuts (dealing with stupid people and being on the phone endlessly, etc...). I do most of the house cleaning and cooking. He takes out the trash and deals with the cat box. I definitely think that dividing up the labor in ways that make sense for your personalities and what you are good at and enjoy doing is really important. This is something that will be different for every couple and will probably take some tweaking, especially as lifestyles and careers and so forth change.

All that said, I imagine that things change dramatically when you have children. We''re not sure if that''s something we''ll do eventually or not, so it will be interesting to see how things would be affected. I will say that we would definitely make an effort to preserve how wonderful our relationship is now and our closeness - I think that maintaining the connection between mother and father is important to being good parents, and I can''t imagine being willing to give up what my DH and I have for anything.
 
Sha, we just celebrated our 17th anniversary! There are always highs and lows, makes life interesting.

Fisher, happy anniversary! I remember your story so well and so happy for you when you two got engaged and then married! Congrats.
 
Happy anniversay Fisher (and Jcrow for last November!) and BIG congrats to Kaleigh and Diamondfan for 22 and 17 years! Yay for you guys!

I have not been married anywhere near 17 years so I''m a bit of a novice (only 6 years
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) but our first year was so much easier than I expected. It was great in terms of relationship but it had its challenges. I def agree with the posters who say that it is often the challenges that draw us closer together and can lay a great foundation for our relationship, particularly in terms of how we communicate and resolve conflict.
 
DH and I are going on 12 years of marriage here. We were college sweethearts and were together five years before getting married. And we did not live together before the wedding. For us, the first year was wonderful yet challenging. The reason it was challenging was my job. I was commuting over four hours a day (it was 35 miles from our apartment to my office... but we are talking about the Washington, DC suburbs here) and I had a very stressful job. So, our first year was tough because I just wanted to focus on our life together but my stinkin'' job kept getting in the way! LOL!

I lasted another year in that position and then I traded it in for one that was less stressful with an easier commute. Year two of marriage was MUCH better.
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And I definitely have to agree with those who said that the year after your first baby(s) comes along is probably the toughest year. There is so many new and strange adjustments to make all while not sleeping. It can make for some mega-cranky and pissy (literally and figuratively) times. But you get through it. I am still here to tell the tale... my boys are 4- and 7-years-old. DH and I cannot believe that they will both be in school full-time come September!
 
I find that it really comes down to being able to compromise and choose your battles.. I have been able to listen and apply some of the suggestions my fiance has made in the past and find they really work out for the best. If you are able to balance and both get a chance to share in the decisions things seem to run smoother. Also, step back when things get heated and let things simmer down - give each other some space. I am heading into my second marriage, after a 16 year single status, so I still have to wait and see. As we mature it seems like it is easier to cope with loved ones..
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We''ve been married only 5 months, but so far so good! We been together for 4 years at this point and lived together for one year before we married (right after we got engaged) so, we''re pretty much used to each other and we never had a difficult transition when I moved in.

I think we had so much more stress when we were engaged and had to plan a wedding together - so many decisions and a lot of compromise.
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At this point, even though we had an amazing wedding, we are just happy to be moving on to the next phase of our lives.

One thing I''ve come to terms with is that my DH is not an extremely organized person. What''s interesting is that I will go to his office and it''s extremely neat and tidy, but at home he tends to lag a bit. I''m overly organized so, his lack of organization will probably always be a thorn in my side. It''s funny because his mom always apologizes to me saying that it''s her fault he''s that way (DH was quite the momma''s boy). I''ve learned to just accept it though - he''s definitely gotten better, but I can''t expect miracles.
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It''s been a piece of cake for us; but, we''ve known each other for 14 years! What annoying habits could we possibly ''discover'' about each other at this point??

Sleeping arrangements are a pain; we have only a double bed. I have a really nice brass bed that I''m reluctant to replace with the queen-size bed we so obviously need. Sometimes I want to kick him right out onto the floor ''cause he''s such a bed hog!
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Not that I''m married in the biblical sense, but it''s almost the same thing. Even though we''ve been living together since 05, it hasn''t really been hard for us. However, I think the coming year is going to be a true test for us because for the majority of our relationship, he''s been in residency/fellowship and me in college/grad school so we haven''t really spent extended amounts of time together. We''re adding twins to the mixture and just based on our respective upbringings, I can see how we might disagree some.
 
D and I have been together for over 8 years, living together for about 7 years and married just shy of 4 months. After we were married I was convinced it was the best year of our relationship because we''d already worked out the living together thing and now we could just relax and enjoy being married.

That was until about 3 days ago when we got into a massive argument about our car insurance. It made both of us realize that the transition from living together to marriage is significant. We haven''t been able to resolve the issue (i.e. compromise) at all because both of us are clinging onto our own opinions with a grappling hook.

So yes, while living together first forces you to work out the logistical, daily habits, it''s definitely not the same as marriage and there is still an emotional transition to make...

...now I need to go argue about the car insurance some more.
 
I agree that it is critical to learn how to communicate and to pick your battles. Something minor can always escalate into something bigger, if both people are not careful.
 
Our first year was great. It was the second year that was the hardest! The "honeymoon" period had worn off, and we were just left dealing with our cramped quarters (681 square feet). But the third year was even better than the first (moving out of the tiny condo helped)!
 
Diamondfan, wow! That''s a milestone! Congratulations to you and Kaleigh, and all the other veterans around here!
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crystalheart, yes, I agree that compromise is soooo important in a marriage. I read an article somwhere that said that most persons attempt to ''recreate'' their own family experiences (including traditions, values, structure) in their new relationship, and subtly try to influence the other person to conform. The problem is that the other partner is also trying to do the same thing!

I see that happening in so many ways. In DH''s and my case, for example - I grew up going to church with my family on Sunday mornings... so I assumed that when DH and I got married we could continue that pattern, even at least sometimes. Turns out that, for the last 20 years or so, DH has been using his Sunday mornings to laze in bed (until midday) and he wanted me to laze in bed with him too. So you can see where the conflict comes in. But it all comes down to compromise....sometimes I spend the day in bed with him, and sometimes I force him to go to church with me.
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So we both ''get our ways'' - just at different times.
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We''re 7 mos into our first year - and so far, so good. Sure we have little snaps at each other, but the adjustment was pretty easy. I''d say the hardest time was our honeymoon - I was edgy the whole time and we bickered like crazy. When we got home, things felt a LOT better.
 
Hi! I''m married for a little over 1.5 years and so far it has been a piece of cake. I LOVE being married and we have had no problems whatsoever. We didn''t live together before we were married (we got married the summer after I graduated collage, he is older). I think part of the reason it was so easy is because we didn''t really have the issue of merging finances because i was a broke collage student with no money to my name! We have always had a very easy going relationship and even with buying a house and paying for grad school, it hasn''t been very stressful.
 
Marriage is not easy, in my opinion. It is hard work. Some days/years, it is easy, and life seems perfect. Other days, you are annoyed by the way he eats his Cheerios (why is he so loud... can he chew more quietly....). But that''s what it is about.
 
I thought our first year was hard too. We got in a few heated fights, and I said a lot of things I shouldn''t have (as in, I didn''t mean them, I was letting my temper get the better of me). Some of my dh''s habits were so annoying I was overwhelmed at the prospect of a lifetime of that.

How-evah....those annoying habits are nothing..I have some too. And I learned how to fight/disagree without letting my inner-evil-troll get the best of me. I think that first year is all about growing pains. A good coupling of souls will weather it and come out fine. Kind of like a rite of passage.

I also agree with Sumbride, the administrative details proved stressful. Merging finances, etc. Once we settled into a groove however, it got easier.

Then the years up to baby were so much fun. Snuggles, romance, spontaneous vacations, nights up late on the couch drinking wine together with our feet resting on each other, long impromptu road trips. I had 3 great years of that before we had our son.

I have to say, it was only the sleepless time with our new baby that was stressful. I distinctly remember hollering my head off at my dh, lambasting him about some perceived hurt (he was most likely completely incompetent in babycare & housecare in one way or another
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, you know, that "men can''t multi-task" disease) and our son was about 2months old. He began sleeping about 8 hours a night at that point and things immediately got better. Sleep deprivation makes anyone cranky as all get out. Then things went back to normal & a few bouts of growing pains here and there learning how to be parents, we felt like our selves again.

With baby #2, I''m pretty confident my husband would say the pregnancy was hard on him. Apparently, I was not a pleasant camper, which threw him, since I was really laid back & happy with my 1st pregnancy (I''m normally easy going, especially with him, so he was very confused). But we''d had some losses & family issues, as well as me being on hormones to keep the pregnancy, so it wasn''t a cakewalk for me either, but I tried to be patient with him so I''d avoid being a single mother. Poor guy did a lot of nodding & "yes dears".
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But we did handle baby #2''s arrival like old pros. He was adamant about me napping (PTSD flashbacks? LOL) and it really helped. Also, I decided, since he is such a light sleeper who cannot go back to sleep once he wakes up (whereas I can fall asleep on command & stay asleep) that I''d get up at night with the baby if he''d take the day shift and let me nap 2 times a day. Worked like a charm. As long as both of us were rested, dealing with kiddos is much easier, as long as nothing is seriously wrong. (health issues bring on a whole new level of stress, and I pray to God I never find out).

So no worries...just ride the wave. I always think of the bumpy times as "patina" or a thicker weave in the fabric of your marriage. Interesting. Plus, its nice to look back at all you''ve done together, and how far you have come. There is no reward without some sweat & tears.
 
Date: 1/23/2008 5:13:24 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Marriage is not easy, in my opinion. It is hard work. Some days/years, it is easy, and life seems perfect. Other days, you are annoyed by the way he eats his Cheerios (why is he so loud... can he chew more quietly....). But that''s what it is about.
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LitigatorChick...I like you. Funny chica. My pronounces "theater" "thee-ate-her". I want to throttle him. Toss in the fact that one of us is a vocal Democrat & the other a vocal Republican....well....just don''t bring up the war in Iraq in our house. We''ve been together since the Clinton administration. It''s been interesting to say the least!
 
Date: 1/24/2008 2:55:02 AM
Author: divergrrl

Date: 1/23/2008 5:13:24 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Marriage is not easy, in my opinion. It is hard work. Some days/years, it is easy, and life seems perfect. Other days, you are annoyed by the way he eats his Cheerios (why is he so loud... can he chew more quietly....). But that''s what it is about.
Click to expand...
LitigatorChick...I like you. Funny chica. My pronounces ''theater'' ''thee-ate-her''. I want to throttle him. Toss in the fact that one of us is a vocal Democrat & the other a vocal Republican....well....just don''t bring up the war in Iraq in our house. We''ve been together since the Clinton administration. It''s been interesting to say the least!
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Thanks, Divergrrl. Ya ain''t too bad yourself. Gotta be funny, or I would throw him and his freekin Cheerios out the window!!!
 
Well I''ve only been married for a year and a half, and nothing has been particularly hard just different challenges along the way. Even though we have similar living habits (both clean and organized) it was still an adjustment b/c suddenly being together all the time really was all the time, and I got home from work first so I''d have an hour or two to myself, but for him I was always there so he didn''t get any alone time for himself. Plus it took us awhile to find a house so we lived in apartment that we hated.

Now our challenge which is really more his challenge is that his friends and their wives have started having kids so he can''t go out and have boy time as much as he did before and I maintain a very active social calendar with my friends. So now he gets all the alone time that he never had.

My ex-bf once said he heard that the first year of marriage was the best, and I remember thinking to myself "well if thats the case then what is there to look forward to for the rest of it"...good thing I didn''t marry him and found DH.

But on the whole I think things just keep getting better, and we really make the effort to communicate with eachother.
 
DH and I celebrate our first wedding anniversary this May (which is when I must change my avatar, boohoo!). The last eight or nine months have been relatively smooth sailing compared to the months leading up to the wedding, where we got into major screaming arguments on an almost fortnightly basis. We went for couples counselling which actually made the situation even worse because we had a crappy counsellor (another story altogether) and read all the handbooks we could find about how to make our relationship work.

Somehow we made it through in one piece and almost immediately after the wedding, all the tension disappeared. We still have arguments but they are quickly resolved. I think we now realise we are married and no matter how bad things get, we made a vow to make things work and that''s what we''ll do. We have become a lot closer as a couple and I am embarassed to admit, we started to do baby talk, something which I would never EVER have imagined doing.

I''ll admit there were times during that rough patch before our wedding when I couldn''t imagine living the rest of my life like that, but now I cannot imagine living my life without DH. I''m definitely looking forward to many, many more wedding anniversaries with him
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It's great to hear all the good 'first year' stories. Divergrrl, my DH and I have different political views too - When we got togetherand I found out he was a RAVING member of the Opposite party, I almost considered breaking up with him.
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But I'm glad I didn't.... it definitely makes life interesting, to say the least. We argue with each other about politics all the time...but mostly in a jovial way. Mostly we just agree to disagree.

Wolftrini - that's great that you're almost at the one year mark! Weddings can be really stressful, so I'm sure that made the pre-wedding months difficult for you.

Appletini, if the first year is the best... then maybe the other years just get better and better? (Hopefully) THAT would be something to look forward to, wouldn't it?
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