To married PS''ers... is the first year really the hardest?

[Sha]

Just curious. I''ve always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest -the time when you have the most fights, the time that you have to make the most adjustments to each other, especially if you haven''t lived together before. But I''ve also always heard that the first year is supposed to be the "honeymoon" year, when the newlyweds supposedly have the most fun. You know.. the pre-baby years...spontaneous sex, cuddling on the couch, pillow fights etc.

So which one do you think it is? Is the first year of marriage the hardest, or the easiest?

 

[diamondfan]

not to sound odd but I really think it is both. Like anything, there are tough issues but also there really great moments of intimacy and closeness. I think it is really a different level to be married, of course you can be committed without the formality but I think it adds a dimension to things. When you are that close to someone it can be wonderful and also challenging, it just depends.

 

[lumpkin]

It''s both. You have to adjust to another person''s constant presence, learn to negotiate and figure out who is better at what, and whose opinion is stronger on what issues, and how to compromise, who''s going to do which chores, etc. You get to see your faults and theirs -- not sure which is harder to take, LOL! But it''s also really fun. No kids yet, and it''s still all about the two of you. You have only your own goals and desires within your home and all the things you mentioned. It''s kind of an intense period but it''s very fun, too.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 1/17/2008 8:25:37 AM
Author: diamondfan
not to sound odd but I really think it is both. Like anything, there are tough issues but also there really great moments of intimacy and closeness. I think it is really a different level to be married, of course you can be committed without the formality but I think it adds a dimension to things. When you are that close to someone it can be wonderful and also challenging, it just depends.

I agree. It is a wonderful time and one to be cherished, but also one of adjustment. It is a time where you truly grow and become that partnership of 2, which sustains you in the years to come once being married is no longer new. So my vote is for both, it can be the easiest and hardest all at the same time, and this can change perhaps by the hour at times!

 

[LitigatorChick]

I think the hardest was the first year with the baby - after that, I found my first year of marriage the hardest. We did not live together first, and I am a little obsessive, so we fought a lot about annoying little things.

 

[Sha]

Hmmm... interesting. So, if you've lived together before, do you think the first year of marriage is still hard, or pretty normal, relatively speaking? I guess if you've lived together before, you've had more time to adjust to each other?

LitigatorChick, I was interested to hear you say that your hardest year was the first with the baby. From what I"ve read, that seems generally true for most marriages. I'm interested in others' experiences about adding a baby to the mix... did it make things harder for you (as a couple) as well?

What if you have a baby in the first year of being married?

 

[lyra]

The first year was the easiest! We did not live together first. We got married 16 months after we met and have been married 25 years this year. There were lots of hard years, some individual ones, and some clumped together. I agree the first year with our first baby was one of the hardest.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am not yet married so I can''t speak from personal experiences, but the forth year seems to be the hardest. statistically, relationships and divorces are the most common in the forth year. The exception is kids when the divorce happens happens 4 years after the last child is born being the most common.
They don''t really know why, but 4 years seems to be the universal problem point in relationships all over the world.

 

[nytemist]

Though I haven''t been married long enough to have other years to compare it to, the first year was not easy by any means.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 1/17/2008 9:47:51 AM
Author: Sha
Hmmm... interesting. So, if you''ve lived together before, do you think the first year of marriage is still hard, or pretty normal, relatively speaking? I guess if you''ve lived together before, you''ve had more time to adjust to each other?

LitigatorChick, I was interested to hear you say that your hardest year was the first with the baby. From what I''ve read, that seems generally true for most marriages. I''m interested in others'' experiences about adding a baby to the mix... did it make things harder for you (as a couple) as well?

What if you have a baby in the first year of being married?

Yikes, where do I start. First, your hormones go crazy - that does not help. Second, there can be a lot of stress - my baby was quite colicky and not a good sleeper, so you are very short on patience. That is not a recipe for an easy relationship. Finally, your relationship completely changes. My husband says that women spend their marriage trying to change a man, and men spend their relationship hoping their wife never changes. Well, you change after a baby. You go from sex kitten to nursing mother! There is a new love in a mother''s life, and that is her baby - I love my husband like crazy, but my baby is my priority number one. Men feel rejected. This is a huge adjustment, and you need to work out as a couple how this new dynamic will fit.

But they are all worth it - check out my little man this past weekend. He looks sooooo cute in his True Religion jeans and pumas (yes, they make them for toddlers).

 

[Skippy123]

Litagator, your son is such a cutie!!!


Sha, we did not live together and the 1st year was the hardest. I had ideas of how the kitchen should be arranged and he did too and the list went on. We are both stubborn and the 1st year the biggest thing we both learned was It is Okay to agree to Disagree. I felt we always should agree which caused problems but after the 1st year we became insync and now we hardly fight (8 yrs later). We do disagree but we are okay with that. I also feel learning about how men communicate and women communicate really helps both individuals if they have some insight to that (we had a premarriage class on this which was valuable later).

Hang in; it gets better!

 

[bee*]

aww he''s gorgeous! I love the phrase that your husband says-women spend their marriage trying to change a man, and men spend their relationship hoping their wife never changes-it''s so true!

 

[Sha]

Thanks for your responses so far!

Litigator, yes, your son is so cute! He looks like a happy little guy.

I can definitely see how a baby stress both parners - joyful little bundles though they are.

I guess that's why it's good for couples to have ome alone time before having a baby, because it can change things so much.

Skippy, my DH and I haven't had any major issues yet. We've been married for 3 months but moved in together just a month ago (housing situation). So far we haven't had any fights, just disagreements here and there. Like you and your hubby, we had tiffs about the kitchen. He thinks he's the Master of the Kitchen and likes to tell me where things go, how to wrap things in the fridge etc. etc. Annoying! Plus he likes to cook (and can cook well too, I reluctantly admit

) - so he likes to come in the kitchen when I'm cooking and tell me what to do, what spices to put here, etc. etc. GRRRR!!! I also get mad at him for swearing too much, and not going to church with me sometimes. But other than that, no major issues so far. We never fought much as a couple before, anyway.

I think we'll probably start fighting more when we have children. He's kind of leery about kids..and with all the things Litigator mentioned... he'll probably miss our 'couple' days a lot. Ah well...

Brazen, that's interesting about the 4th year being the hardest. I always heard the 7th year is difficult too.

 

[Jas12]

Sha--we lived together for 1.5 years prior to marriage and dated for many before that--so marriage had almost no effect on our relationship--so I definitely think that is a huge factor for adjsutmetn. The only thing that has changed is that once in a while we spontaneously embrace and say things like "i can''t believe you are my hubby/wife" which is nice...but we had a very stable relationship to start so i didn''t anticipate change

I have a feeling that the first year with baby will be the biggest challenge--for both bringing us together and throwing challenges at us--as litigator chick mentioned

 

[sumbride]

We lived together over 2 years before our wedding, and we''ve been married about 4 months. the hardest thing so far has been the administrative aspects... we stayed pretty financially separate until the wedding so now we''re trying to deal with joint accounts, bills, etc... and he''s really bad about sending paperwork in. I was flipping through the mail and realized that he never sent his dental bill to the flexible spending account people so they still owe him about $300. They sent letter after letter asking for the itemized bill but he couldn''t FIND it so he never sent it in. I said "well, call the dentist and have him mail you a new copy! It''s not that hard!" Seriously, this hadn''t occurred to him, and he STILL hasn''t done it, so I imagine this kind of thing will fall to me and that kind of makes me nuts because I don''t like to do that stuff either, but there''s $300 sitting out there that belongs to him and he hasn''t bothered to go get it. He''s an accountant, but I think I''m going to take on the bill-paying role because I get super paranoid about paperwork and deadlines and he doesn''t seem to have that same paranoia.

ok, so that was obviously bothering me...

We''ve gotten past the "please don''t mix the soup spoons with the regular spoons" and "I said DON''T THROW THE PLATES IN THE SINK!!!" arguments. He''s mostly good. I''m not though. I still leave my glasses on the coffee table. He''s getting used to it knowing that will probably never change.

We aren''t planning to have kids, so our major stresses will probably revolve around family members, money, and the house. I want to move eventually, he has never lived outside of this state, etc...

 

[Independent Gal]

I have also heard that the years with young children in the house are the hardest years of a marriage for all the reasons that have been mentioned. I think just knowing this in advance might help, though, so you expect it and know it''s normal.

 

[Mara]

personally i think it's both too. i don't think it's like 'all sucky' or 'all great'...that's too extreme for real life scenarios IMO.

BUT i think that the idea of it being the honeymoon period year is a little old fashioned, to me that's more when people didn't live together before, maybe weren't even together THAT long before marriage. in our parents days it seems like people didn't necessarily date for like 4 years, live together a year, then get married. so i think that if you meet someone, date for a year, get married, then live together then yeah you might still be MORE into that honeymoon period.

for us however we met, dated for 3 years, lived together a year, then married. so we were long past any sort of REAL honeymoon stage (to me that's like the first and maybe 2nd year of dating!)...and the living together for a year worked out some kinks. but there is something about being married and we also bought a house that year too, so it was our first house together (before we lived in my place), so there were a lot of things to work out. a lot more was 'invested' at that point, both in the marriage aspect and the house aspect and so we had to definitely come to more of a meeting of minds than before when it might have been more like 'this is just the way i am'.

that first year was hard but good in many ways too i think. however now going on year 4 it seems like every year gets easier in terms of harmonious living and meeting of the minds. while we are far beyond that honeymoon stage, it feels like every year gets a little better for us overall and we seem more connected year after year too.

so for me it's not like good/bad hard...but more like 'this is an investment in our future' hard. you might have to work some stuff out to get to the really great times later. or maybe not, i don't think all couples have the same issues as others... just as all personalities are not going to be the same. we are both kind of stubborn so we definitely can butt heads sometimes. keeps things interesting.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 1/17/2008 12:21:59 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I have also heard that the years with young children in the house are the hardest years of a marriage for all the reasons that have been mentioned. I think just knowing this in advance might help, though, so you expect it and know it''s normal.

I couldn''t agree more, Independent Gal. The idea of having a baby is so romantisized and there is an expectation that everything will be "perfect". When you are a perfectionist who is "failing" to achieve this so called perfection in your role as a parent, things can be pretty strained.

Now that I have learned a lot about my little boy and my relationship with my hubby, things are getting a lot easier. Now, perfect is a day at the park with my little man. And although he sometimes launches his spaghetti across the dining room, he is my perfect little man. Just look at how happy he is!!!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Speaking of hard-to-live-up-to expectations, LitigatorChik, I''m 3/4 kidding about this, but you might consider calling your guy your ''adorable'', ''lovable'', ''charming'', ''smart'', ''wonderful'' etc, but maybe not ''perfect'' little man once he''s old enough to really understand. Now THAT''S some serious pressure to live up to.

the 1/4 that''s not kidding is because I actually have a friend whose mom used to talk to him in a similar way and it gave him a serious complex about being not as ''perfect'' as his mom thought. You know ''what if she finds out I snuck a cookie/ got a D on that test / was mean to that kid? will she still love me?'' kind of thing.

I think we should all eject the word ''perfect'' from our vocabulary of interpersonal relations.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks for the comment, Independent Gal. I agree with your comments. My point is simply that in this world where there is this judgment what the "perfect" baby is, my "perfect" baby is the one I have, spaghetti throwing and all. Our point is the same - let''s get rid of this notion of "perfection" and love our kids for the wonderful, beautiful, smiling little people that they are!!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes indeed! And I forgot to mention that your boy is unbelievably adorable. GAH! Cuteoverload!

 

[kellyfish]

I would not say the 1st year is hardest. The hardest year is the one when your wayward BIL moves in and drives the whole family crazy. I''m still not quite over it.....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not for us. We were together 5.5 years when we married and had lived together 4 of those years. I think that is why we didn''t have any problems. We had been through a lot in our dating years. I have only been married 1.5 years but I think that first year was great. I agree sometimes we yell at each other now b/c lack of sleep (with a newborn). But we both know we don''t really mean it.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 1/17/2008 1:21:26 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Yes indeed! And I forgot to mention that your boy is unbelievably adorable. GAH! Cuteoverload!

I know - but I''m his mommy, so I''m biased.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 1/17/2008 3:21:56 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 1/17/2008 1:21:26 PM

Author: Independent Gal

Yes indeed! And I forgot to mention that your boy is unbelievably adorable. GAH! Cuteoverload!

I know - but I''m his mommy, so I''m biased.

Me too! I didn''t pay attention when I scrolled down the first time. What a cutie!

 

[ellaila]

Litigator, is it weird that I''m envious of your son''s wardrobe? He''s got nicer stuff than I do!

He''s adorable!

As for the first year of marriage, I thought it was absolutely wonderful (though no pillow fights -- haha! Sha, that made me laugh in your original post. I''m not sure I know any couple who have pillow fights in their first year of marriage, other than in the movies!) -- but then again I am *extremely* lucky in that my husband is the most easygoing man on earth. We''ve only been married for 16 months now, so I can''t say if things will get easier or harder with time, but I have to say that I never really understood that whole "the first year of marriage is the hardest" thing. Maybe I''m naive, but I really think that should be the best time of your life -- you just married your best friend, you''re starting your new life together as a family, why would that be difficult? I mean, yes, of course there will be issues -- there are issues in everything in life -- but as long as you''re a team, you work through them together. And if you can''t survive the day-to-day issues, then you will never survive being parents of a newborn baby (says the mom of six-week-old twins wearily!)

 

[surfgirl]

For us, being together many years but married the last 5 months, it''s been wonderful...BUT, we still haven''t sorted out whose insurance people to use (mine are better, naturally...

) and whose CPA to use (again, mine is better...

), so those are the types of things we haven''t sorted out yet. When you get married later in life I think it''s more difficult to sort out those things because you''ve been used to dealing with them on your own as an adult so giving up "your" CPA/insurance agent, etc. is more difficult. At least it is for us. But other than that, it''s been really nice.

 

[ChinaCat]

Count me in the group of not hard at all. Well, I should clarify- not hard yet. I have only been married since June.

I was really worried about this- didn''t live together first, very independent, heard horror stories. It has been suprisingly easy. Sure there are little annoyances- he''s a neat freak about clutter, but somehow doesn''t mind leaving dirty dishes in the sink which grosses me out- but we haven''t had any blow-outs yet. I am pretty stubborn but luckily DH is very easy-going so our annoyances don''t turn into fights.

I will say that we have not merged finances yet, which I think can often be the source of issues. And no kids either, which I think would be a challenge as many have said.

On the other hand, I know a few couples who have had terribly difficult first years. Two of the couples married after not really knowing each other all that well and I think were suprised by attitudes/behaviors. Another married simply too young and had grand expectations as we have discussed on the marriage/psychology thread in LIW.

I feel cheesy saying this in person, but that is what PS is great for- but I LOVE being married, the past 7 months have really been great. But I don''t think that just because the first year is hard that it means you aren''t compatible- sometimes it takes time to merge lives.

And LitigatorChick- your kiddo is beyond adorable!

 

[metro]

Date: 1/17/2008 8:43:30 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I think the hardest was the first year with the baby - after that, I found my first year of marriage the hardest. We did not live together first, and I am a little obsessive, so we fought a lot about annoying little things.

We ended up pregnant after 2 months of marriage

- The first year w/baby was without a doubt the hardest year. Just like Litigtor Chick, we fought about a lot of annoying little things. I think it was mostly because of sleep depervation. Now we''re planning on another baby! I wonder if things will be easier this time around?

 

[Kaleigh]

We didn''t live together before marriage. Our apartments were close by and he spent a lot of time at mine and I at his. But when we got married, it was an adjustment. He''s messy and 21 years later, he''s still messy. Hehe. But the first year was both really. It was fun buying our house, and making it a home. We struggled to buy that house but it was soooo worth it. The toughest times for us were when the kids were little and sickly. DD had JRA, and DS had terrible asthma, spent lots of time in hospitals. But it made us stronger as a couple. We are going on 22 years now, and it''s all good.