To get engaged or not....that''s the question

[doobao]

Hi everyone~ I''ve for a long time been lurking this fantastic forum that has helped me learn about diamonds tramendously.
This is the 1st time I actually post because I really need some advise here.

Alright~ my BF & I have been together for 2 years and have been living together for 1 year and half.
He is 7 years older than me and wants to get married.
He''s from a single parent family that his father is always away for work, so he''s always wanted his own family.
We have talked about marriage since I am serious about this relationship as well.
He bought the diamond, and the setting I want is in the process of being custom made.
He promised that he will propose officially and romatically when the ring arrives.

However, there''s this one thing that''s been bothering me.
The spark and passion at the beginning of this relationship seems to disappear after these years.
He still treats me and takes care of me like a princess, and I never for one second doubt that he''d ever cheat on me or something like that.
We still go on dates once a while, but most of the time I feel that we are more like roommates rather than 2 people who are thinking about getting married.
He works long hours and our working shcedule is totally different. (I work regular hours but he works on weekends and take 2 weekdays off)
Every time when he''s finally home, he''s tired.
We sit on the sofa but no more cuddling but doing our own things. We sleep on the same bed but no more passionate kisses but a "good night" and snorings.
It makes me wonder and afraid that life after marriage will only be worse.
I also wonder if he wants to marry ME or he just wants to get married. (you know how girls are - we always wanna be the special one)
Marriage is this once a life time thing that I don''t want to feel any regrets in the future, especially when all my family thinks that at age 22 I am too young to make a decision like this right now.

I really don''t know if I am just thinking too much, asking too much, having a cold feet or I need to really re-think everything.
I would really appreciate anyone who can advise me on such situation.
I believe opinions from you whom are engaged or married is much more reliable.

Thank you in advance & happy friday~

 

[KimberlyH]

doobao,

First off, kudos to you for thinking this through and not just getting engaged because it''s the easy thing to do. That is admirable.

Relationships are work, and when the spark is gone, it is because the two people involved have allowed it to go out. It is not uncommon to lose the initial flurry of feelings, emotions and actions that come along with new love. But what is left over should feel solid, real and much better than that flurry ever could.

Only you can decide whether or not you''re ready to be engaged. But you are young, and you and your needs will most likely change quite a bit over the next few years. Perhaps it''s time for a frank conversation with your boyfriend and maybe even a marriage counselor or pastor, whomever you are most comfortable with, to determine if what you are experiencing is simply a bump in the road of your relationship, or a true indication that he is not the right person for you.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey there .. welcome to Pscope!

First off I think you're very smart to be asking yourself these questions (and asking around too.) I *don't* think wondering about these issues is a sign of trouble -- on the contrary ... if you *are* considering such a big step at a young age ... it's helpful to get feedback & outside opinions in lieu of, say, personal experience you'd have gained by 25, 28, gulp, 39.

You say:

Date: 2/23/2007 2:06:36 PM
Author:doobao
The spark and passion at the beginning of this relationship seems to disappear after these years. We still go on dates once a while, but most of the time I feel that we are more like roommates rather than 2 people who are thinking about getting married. We sit on the sofa but no more cuddling but doing our own things. We sleep on the same bed but no more passionate kisses but a 'good night' and snorings. It makes me wonder and afraid that life after marriage will only be worse.

Welllll. Kinda sounds like "day to day" life to me. Even the best relationships take *work* to "keep the spark alive". It sounds like you're maybe just not *working* on it yet ... just expecting it to "happen" and if it doesn't happen naturally then ... nothing.

It's not realistic (IMO) to keep up the level of "spark" from the beginning of a relationship FOREVER. It would be EXHAUSTING!

But it is important to think about each other's needs & what makes each other feel special and take time to plan "dates" etc ... keep experiencing new things together ... like hitting the REFRESH button once in a while. The best ways to get that from you parter are to A) give it and B) ask for what you want. Give him a roadmap to the way you view romance.

As to your schedules ... that sounds temporary? Can you change that ever?

As to the "does he just want to get married" ... there's a Sex In The City quote that says guys are like cabs & when their light goes on -- the first girl in gets him. Maybe partly true ... people do have times when they're "ready" & more apt to commit. But I highly doubt he'd want to get married just because he's "ready". But then again, I don't really believe in "The One". I think most people could live happy but different lives with a variety of "Ones" .... and the "One" you pick is most likely the "One" you came across when you were ready.

 

[musey]

Listen to Kimberly and Deco, they are famous ''round here for their fantastic advice

 

[ladykemma]

when you work full time in a demanding job, or rather, when both of you work full time in demanding jobs, this is pretty much what life is like. add to that a long, tiresome commute, and weekdays in our house are rather dull.

I had a friend who wanted to go clubbing, and her hubby worked full time and overtime, all he wanted to do was sleep, veg and rest at home. she learned why when she got her first real job.

home should be a haven of peace and rest.

"we" have fun on weekends.

AND, it is really important to maintain your own friendships and hobbies. sometimes when we''re both in hobby mode, or both sewing, daily life is a smile across the sewing table. and that''s it.

 

[doobao]

Kimberly,

"Relationships are work, and when the spark is gone, it is because the two people involved have allowed it to go out."
When I saw this sentence, I was like "wow!"
I have to admit, I am also responsible for the losing sparks.
I shouldn''t just wait and wonder by myself in stead of trying to work things out.

First thing I will do today is sit down with my bf and tell him how I feel.
& hopefully things will light up.

Thank you sincerely for the reply.

 

[doobao]

Deco,

It''s so true. I''m so used to him treating me like a princess and doing romatic things.
Just like what you said, I am expecting things rather than working on it.

Thank you so much for the advise.
I will let him how I view romance and marriage and let us start finding a way to hit the refresh button once a while.

 

[doobao]

Deco,

Btw,

the "sex and city" quote is totally how I feel about him wanting to get married.!!
That''s why the whole thing was bothering me that much!
That''s why I have doubts every time when the marriage topic is brought up.
It''s just that this is a big commitment that I don''t want either of us to regret at all.

But as you said, there are times that people are more ready and there are times that people just wanna take things slowly.

I guess "happily ever after" happens when the prince is "ready" at the party that he met the princess~ right?

 

[doobao]

O~ musey~~ yes, Kimberly and Deco are sure helpful!

Their advises clear the cloud on the top of my head.

All the thanks and appreciations come down to one phrase......

I LOVE PRICESCOPE!

 

[doobao]

Thanks, ladykemma~

I always wanna provide my love ones a place as a peaceful heavan.

I guess my head was so stuck in my own delimma that I forgot how good it feels when he hugs me when I come home after a long day of work.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 2/23/2007 5:20:11 PM
Author: doobao
Kimberly,

''Relationships are work, and when the spark is gone, it is because the two people involved have allowed it to go out.''
When I saw this sentence, I was like ''wow!''
I have to admit, I am also responsible for the losing sparks.
I shouldn''t just wait and wonder by myself in stead of trying to work things out.

First thing I will do today is sit down with my bf and tell him how I feel.
& hopefully things will light up.

Thank you sincerely for the reply.

doobao: I''m so glad you''ve decided to talk to him about this! Definitely step in the right direction! Good luck!

musey: Thanks so much for the sweet compliment! It''s much appreciated.

 

[kcoursolle]

Have you talked to him about this stuff?? I think that if you are planning on getting married, this should be the sort of thing you can speak openly about. This might help you get some perspective on what you are feeling.

EDIT: It looks like you are planning on doing this, great!

 

[MustangFan]

Is this your first long term relationship?

My first LT relationship was at 16 and at 21 I began to experience the same wonders, is life really like this etc?
I find these wonders are from a lack of long term relationship experience, once you''ve had a few you begin to understand that life is not like a movie after awhile.
If you want to still do things for each other and you are both happy with one another you should definitely know that love is still there and work at it. It would be a shame to discard two years of building a relationship. Tell him how you feel about wanting to feel special. My friend has been with her FI was almost 10 years (17) and they are finally getting married. She knows that he is the one, but just wishes that she would have met him around now and planned a wedding a year later, she seems to feel that waiting 10 years to get married, it''s not so fun to plan a wedding anymore and more so doing it out of necessity rather than romance.

As for the long hours, I totally understand, my b/f in a plumber and he has to work most Saturdays and when a pipe freezes he has to stay at work til 8 o''clock at night sometimes... If you can''t cope with it then maybe start looking into a new job if it''s that deterimental on your relationship.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Talk to him and let him know how you feel. maybe you need to take time to think about what you want in life and what you want in a marriage. Marriage is hard work. there are days that you will probably feel like roommates, days that you are totally in love, days you can''t stand each other, days you will always remember, days you can''t wait to forget...ect....but 2 people need to be willing to put in lots of effort to make a marriage and grow together. when the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over you are left with each other and thats the heart of your relationship. many people assume that this is when the person doesn''t love them or that the relationship is too comfortable--however this is the real relationship and dealing with the everyday challenges of life together only helps you grow as a couple.

romance has to be kept alive and worked on by both people, but in marriage romance is not an all day everyday occurance.

 

[firebirdgold]

I wouldn''t marry him if things don''t improve.

2 years is actually a pretty short time for the honeymoon period to be totally over and to just feel like roommates rather than lovers. Besides, time may change the spark, but it shouldn''t make it go away. I know several couples who''ve been married for 30 to 45 years and still have a spark!
But exhaustion can make it seem like the spark has gone away, I agree that you have to work on it.

You guys should take a whole day off of work and have a couple''s day. Go for a drive to another town and just have a romantic day.
When my then-bf was finishing his thesis, our relationship suffered because he was always so busy, tired, and stressed. So a week before the deadline he just took the whole day off of work and thesis-writing and we drove to a nearby picturesque town (Taos) for the day. Even getting lost for thirty minutes trying to find the romantic restaurant on the way home was fun.
It worked so well for us that every couple of months we''ll set aside a whole day as a couples day and go for a drive.

There''s also everyday things you can do. Slip a little note or a present into his briefcase/work bag once in a while. Make sure that you guys never leave home for work without a kiss, and never come home without a kiss. Try to do small thoughtfull things for each other, like filling the other person''s travel coffee cup. If there''s a tv show you both watch, then just start cuddling during it. And never underestimate the effectiveness of turning off the t.v. or computer, putting down your hobbies, and dragging the other person off to bed.

 

[TravelingGal]

You''ve gotten plenty of good advice so I don''t have much to add except to say that this whole "spark" and fire thing is misunderstood by lots of women.

Think of a charcoal bbq. You light it. Starts with a single flame. Soon turns into a raging fire. Ooh, ahh, you are impressed. Fire starts dying. Aw.

But don''t ya know...it''s only then you get those hot, glowing embers...and that''s when things start COOKING.

 

[poptart]

Date: 2/24/2007 2:33:11 PM
Author: TravelingGal
You''ve gotten plenty of good advice so I don''t have much to add except to say that this whole ''spark'' and fire thing is misunderstood by lots of women.


Think of a charcoal bbq. You light it. Starts with a single flame. Soon turns into a raging fire. Ooh, ahh, you are impressed. Fire starts dying. Aw.


But don''t ya know...it''s only then you get those hot, glowing embers...and that''s when things start COOKING.

Great analogy! I always love reading your posts. Doobao, I hope that the talks with your BF will go well. I very much agree that little things will bring the spark back.

*M*

 

[doobao]

Date: 2/23/2007 6:00:56 PM
Author: kcoursolle
Have you talked to him about this stuff?? I think that if you are planning on getting married, this should be the sort of thing you can speak openly about. This might help you get some perspective on what you are feeling.

EDIT: It looks like you are planning on doing this, great!

kcoursolle & everyone~

I talked to him about how I feel, the whole thing, and blah blah blah.
His response was "of course I love you~ I don''t know where you get the idea~ I''m just busy at work and tired after it~ etc....."

He said he''ll pay more attention to building our relationship & what I want for us........

So....We''ll see~

 

[doobao]

Date: 2/24/2007 8:01:06 AM
Author: MustangFan
Is this your first long term relationship?

My first LT relationship was at 16 and at 21 I began to experience the same wonders, is life really like this etc?
I find these wonders are from a lack of long term relationship experience, once you''ve had a few you begin to understand that life is not like a movie after awhile.
If you want to still do things for each other and you are both happy with one another you should definitely know that love is still there and work at it. It would be a shame to discard two years of building a relationship. Tell him how you feel about wanting to feel special. My friend has been with her FI was almost 10 years (17) and they are finally getting married. She knows that he is the one, but just wishes that she would have met him around now and planned a wedding a year later, she seems to feel that waiting 10 years to get married, it''s not so fun to plan a wedding anymore and more so doing it out of necessity rather than romance.

As for the long hours, I totally understand, my b/f in a plumber and he has to work most Saturdays and when a pipe freezes he has to stay at work til 8 o''clock at night sometimes... If you can''t cope with it then maybe start looking into a new job if it''s that deterimental on your relationship.

Mustangfan,

This is actually my 2nd long tern relationship. My 1st LT relationship was actually longer than this one (3 1/2 yrs).
It ended the 5th times my ex cheated on me.

I guess my situation is a lot better comparing to your friend. I can''t even imagine what she''s gone through.

Wish all of us happiness~

 

[doobao]

Date: 2/24/2007 10:48:16 AM
Author: NYCsparkle
Talk to him and let him know how you feel. maybe you need to take time to think about what you want in life and what you want in a marriage. Marriage is hard work. there are days that you will probably feel like roommates, days that you are totally in love, days you can''t stand each other, days you will always remember, days you can''t wait to forget...ect....but 2 people need to be willing to put in lots of effort to make a marriage and grow together. when the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over you are left with each other and thats the heart of your relationship. many people assume that this is when the person doesn''t love them or that the relationship is too comfortable--however this is the real relationship and dealing with the everyday challenges of life together only helps you grow as a couple.

romance has to be kept alive and worked on by both people, but in marriage romance is not an all day everyday occurance.

After the conversation last night, I am sure that I have expressed everything that I have to say.
I know I''d never find somebody like him. He''s my friend, my lover, & my family.

Now it really comes down to how we can work this out.
I understand it really is hard work. I just really hope we 2 are really one the same page to grow as a couple.
So wish me luck!

 

[doobao]

Date: 2/24/2007 12:28:49 PM
Author: IndieJones
I wouldn''t marry him if things don''t improve.

2 years is actually a pretty short time for the honeymoon period to be totally over and to just feel like roommates rather than lovers. Besides, time may change the spark, but it shouldn''t make it go away. I know several couples who''ve been married for 30 to 45 years and still have a spark!
But exhaustion can make it seem like the spark has gone away, I agree that you have to work on it.

You guys should take a whole day off of work and have a couple''s day. Go for a drive to another town and just have a romantic day.
When my then-bf was finishing his thesis, our relationship suffered because he was always so busy, tired, and stressed. So a week before the deadline he just took the whole day off of work and thesis-writing and we drove to a nearby picturesque town (Taos) for the day. Even getting lost for thirty minutes trying to find the romantic restaurant on the way home was fun.
It worked so well for us that every couple of months we''ll set aside a whole day as a couples day and go for a drive.

There''s also everyday things you can do. Slip a little note or a present into his briefcase/work bag once in a while. Make sure that you guys never leave home for work without a kiss, and never come home without a kiss. Try to do small thoughtfull things for each other, like filling the other person''s travel coffee cup. If there''s a tv show you both watch, then just start cuddling during it. And never underestimate the effectiveness of turning off the t.v. or computer, putting down your hobbies, and dragging the other person off to bed.

Wow~ that''s a very strong sentence to start with!

That is actually something in the back of my mind that I''m trying to ignore.
What happens if things don''t improve after our long talk last night?
Sigh~ I really hope I don''t have to fall into that delimma......

2 years IS a short time for a honeymoon. We do find time to go somewhere else, and that does heat up the relationship.
But things go back to "roommate style" afterwards.
I guess I have to learn how to...........

~ LOL

 

[doobao]

Date: 2/24/2007 2:33:11 PM
Author: TravelingGal
You''ve gotten plenty of good advice so I don''t have much to add except to say that this whole ''spark'' and fire thing is misunderstood by lots of women.

Think of a charcoal bbq. You light it. Starts with a single flame. Soon turns into a raging fire. Ooh, ahh, you are impressed. Fire starts dying. Aw.

But don''t ya know...it''s only then you get those hot, glowing embers...and that''s when things start COOKING.

TravelingGal,

I guess after the gas BBQ grills become more common. People tend to forget how charcoal BBQ works.
& I sure got sooo~ so many great advises here.

By the way, I LOVE your "travel quote of the week" Sail, dream, discover~