Tips for living together?

[blacksand]

If you live with your SO, what tips would you give someone moving in with an SO for the first time? How did you get through the initial adjustments? How do you balance alone time and together time? How do you divide up housework so no one ends up resenting anyone else and the house actually gets clean? What other tips and tricks do you have?

The boyfriend and I are loving our new house and have been trying to get settled for the past week and a half now. The house is AMAZING. Huge. With rooms to spare. I have a whole room for the bunnies and guinea pigs, an exercise room in the attic, an office and a guest bedroom. And the biggest kitchen ever! I love it. And I love my boyfriend. It's great waking up with him every morning. But I can't lie: with the stress of moving, the holidays, and everything else going on right now (my boss and good friend getting laid off at work, being a little disappointed not to be engaged over Christmas, being poor after having to pay to break my lease, etc.), we are definitely getting on each other's nerves a bit. We know this will be an adjustment for both of us, but we want to do everything in our power to start things off right and not dissolve into a bunch of silly arguments about vacuuming technique or the apparently questionable inclusion of mushrooms in my beef stroganoff.

One thing we are definitely trying to do is establish together time--Wednesday night game night and Friday date night--and hobby time, like Monday nights where he plays WoW and I watch guilty pleasure TV shows. We are also making an effort to eat dinner together at the table and just talk, no TV or answering the phone. We still haven't really worked out household chores. What else do you recommend? I must say it's a very interesting experience so far. We are happy together, but we have never experienced so much stress in such a short time. Thanks for being my support group!

 

[suchende]

well, i guess the only person's behavior you can change is your own, so be as considerate as you can and hopefully he'll do the same.

i think a lot of common annoyances btw co-habitating couples stem in the bathroom: make-up and hair tools on the counter, hair in the drain. if you have more than one bathroom, i would call one "yours" and one "his."

don't keep score for whose turn it is to cook, do dishes or vacuum. in a previous relationship the dishes would sometimes go un-done for days because we had a "i cook, you wash dishes" arrangement and he just didn't do them. i think we both would have been happier without the rigidity and that's closer to my current live-in relationship.

try to have a good attitude about cleaning, and be grateful/notice when he does. happy kisses go a lot farther than pouting/grumpiness. don't nitpick about how things are done, and don't take it personally if he re-does something you just got done doing (my SO is a little OCD, i have to forgive his "double dusting").

 

[Glitz]

With moving, the holidays and our money tied up in appliances/furniture I can totally relate to the stress, and it's natural to feel the way you do. Although I've already lived with my SO (5.5 yrs.), we're still discovering a lot about each other when it comes to running a household.

I've basically come to terms with the fact that he doesn't do dishes, and I'm just fine with that, because he understands I don't clean toilets or know how to BBQ. We have our own things that we take care of, and every now and then we'll do something that the other would usually do. I tend to gather all the garbage and recycling and he'll be the one that brings it to the curb and returns the bins to the garage after collection. He also enjoys vacuuming/swiffering, so I let him do that too, but again it's something that I might do too. I have never mowed the lawn or shovelled snow, although it's very sexist I tell him it's a "Man Job". But when he asks whats for dinner and tells me it's a "Woman's job" I just laugh and we'll find something to cook. We don't keep tabs on when things are done or have specific days for chores, but if the dust bunnies are really bothering me and I vacuumed last time I'm not going to nag him to do it, I'll just do it myself. We also do our own laundry ... he usually is the one who washes the towels and bedding though.

As for alone time and dinner we have VERY different schedules. I usually get home around 6:30 and he gets home around 10:00 so there goes any chance of having dinner together, unless I'm feeling super sweet and show up at his office with dinner for 2! When he does get home we usually talk about the day or whatever and slowly wind down and get ready for bed, we watch Conan and laugh as we fall asleep (Team COCO!). We also have no problem when we have separate nights with our friends, usually once a month I'll have a girls night and he'll have a guys night, and during the week we both might occasionally get together with friends (together or separate). There's also no set dates as to when we have individual nights, or date nights, we just go with the flow.

Some tips I can offer are:
1. If your SO is doing a chore, even if he's doing it totally wrong or taking an hour to do a simple task, let him know he's doing a great job and give him a kiss. It will encourage him to do more, rather than trying to correct him which might just upset him and he'll stop all together, just be thankful that he's actually doing something.

2. Men are very visual, if you want him to do something, set out what he'll need to do it with. So many times I've left for work and just pulled out the vacuum or windex and I've come home to find that he's used it! If not, whatever lol, at least it's already out for me to use.

Good luck with your new place, it sounds amazing!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

1. Don't keep score. I think someone else mentioned this, but it's important to reiterate. Just because you cooked last night, doesn't mean he has to break out the apron tonight. Understand that some things will fall to you, but others will fall to him...and enjoy that.

1a. If something needs to be done, and you can do it, just do it. This is a piggyback of not keeping score. If the laundry is piling up, just do it...even if you did it last time. You're a team.

2. Be honest. If something is driving you bonkers, just spit it out. I remember when I first moved in with my husband and certain things would get under my skin and in the effort of peace keeping I kept quite...but the raw nerve didn't go away with time and eventually I was just feed up...essentially, it got bigger than it needed to. So, just let him know if something is on your radar...it's not what you say, but how you say it.

3. Avoid big community purchases that would irk you to leave behind. I know it's fun to set up your home, and splitting costs down the middle is the most financially friendly way of making it work...but don't. If he buys the sofa, you buy the chair, if you buy the table, he buys the buffet. Here's the deal, in the newness it's sometimes hard to be like "okay, I need to protect myself here"...but just do it anyway, so if something happens (God forbid) and you were to separate you still have your investments and he has his. If you're going to buy something together, make sure you understand that if the relationship ends you might lose the item and be okay with that going into it. Very unromantic, I know, but sage advice.

4. Don't go to bed angry. Fights are going to happen, but make a vow to work it out before going to bed.

5. Retreat to your corners if the fight gets ugly. Okay, another unromantic piece of advice, but welcome to real life. When you're living together it's harder to get the distance you need to calm down and cool off, so I've found when you're on top of each other arguments tend to escalate quickly. This is unlike when you live apart and you can each go home. So, seriously, if you're really getting into it...walk away until you can think clearly and make nice.

That's it for now...I'll mull it over more and try to think of other important stuff

 

[HopeDream]

+1 to everything Italia said.

Also check in with each other about how you are. If I'm feeling fussy, sad, grumpy, or stressed, I let FI know, and he does the same for me - we give each other extra patience and support during those times. It helps for him to know that when I'm grumpy - usually it's just because I am, and not because of something he did.

I've also noticed that we are far more likely to be fussy or short with each other when we are too hungry or tired. Recognizing that we get extra fussy when hungry has saved us a lot of fights.

There are also some activities that we don't do well together (Cooking being one of them) but we are learning. There may be some activities that your methods differ so greatly, that you won't be able to do them together without a fight. Be ok with not doing every activity together.

I thank my FI every time I notice that he has done something and He thanks me too. Housework goes unpaid, but it doesn't have to go unthanked.

Don't forget to play and be silly together sometimes.

 

[4ever]

I think the biggest thing for me is to pick your battles- does it REALLY matter that he used the last of the toliet paper and didn't put a new roll on the holder or didn't put stuff away in the kitchen. If it doesn't matter, just shrug it off.

Which leads to rule two, if it really anoys you, say somthing, there is no point being pissed off if your SO has no idea why.

BF and worked out the cleaning like this- He cares alot more then me that the entertaining areas (lounge, kitchen dinning room) are clean and tidy then I do, so he cleans them, I care more that the beedroom and bathroom are tidy and that our clothes are clean, so I do that. If I am home before him I cook, he he's home first he cooks.

Communication- just tell him stuff, really, because guys don't always "get it" so if you need alone time, tell him so, and then say what you can do together after like "I just want some quiet time to read my book for an hour, we can watch a movie togther after if you like". Also popular "I'm anoyed at you because.....".


Also, men measure the happiness of your relationship by the frequency whith wich you have sex, so try and put out alot

 

[Haven]

Congrats on your new house Blacksand!

My best tip is:
Don't take things personally when you disagree on the way something should be done. Instead, take the time to listen to what he's saying, and agree on how you plan to move forward.

 

[Echidna]

There are already so many wise words here, but I'd like to ditto everything Italia said (wise lady!) and reiterate HopeDream's comment that unpaid deeds do not have to go unthanked. I try really hard to acknowledge FI's efforts even if he doesn't do things exactly the way I'd like.

ETA: Love Haven's comment too!

 

[katamari]

Ditto to most of what has been said. What I can add, from my experience:

Don't think you have to spend time together all the time. It's cool to do things on your own. It makes dating less special if you treat everyday interaction like it's a date. It unnecessarily complicates things.

And, because it cannot be said enough, the best strategy for everything is to just be straight and talk about things open and honest. No "I want you to want to do the dishes" BS. It also unnecessarily complicates things. This is how DH and I decided chores. We both discussed our expectations for cleanliness and dividing the labor and we figured it out.

Congrats on your new house!

 

[blacksand]

Thank you for all the great advice. We are working on finding a routine that works for both of us, and it's a really interesting time. It's tough at the moment, because we're so busy getting settled (we're still in the process of moving stuff over and cleaning up our old places) and with the holidays, that we don't have a lot of time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about all of these issues, so we've had a few temper flare-ups because we're not communicating well. We have declared tonight an official chill the eff out night and we're not allowed to do any work. So we'll play a board game and just take some time to talk. I'm really looking forward to it. But I'm still stressed about everything I have to do, so I'm sneaking back to my old apartment during my lunch break to get some stuff done, lol. Tonight I'll relax, really!

 

[UnluckyTwin]

I could write a book on my experience with current SO (who I'll be dating 2 years in March) on this topic-- I'll try to spare you. We moved in pretty quickly, after 4-5 months of dating. Things were going well, he wanted to move in, I wanted to split costs (I was living alone at the time on a grad student salary), and he seemed like a wonderfully laid-back man who would let me be very particular and help me keep things clean because he is a feminist and envisioned sharing chores equally. Perfect, let's do it.

It turned out to be MUCH harder. First, I should have waited to get to know him longer-- turns out he is pretty particular too and we have totally different standards of cleanliness, so while he's very willing to help, he really only wants to help with the stuff he deems necessary, which means there's a lot of stuff he doesn't want to help with. So that was our first battle. The second battle was that, since I'd been living on my own since I was 16, I more than knew how to keep a house clean. He, in contrast, had always either lived with his parents or with a bunch of male roommates, so he didn't know how to do all the chores, or at least not how to do them as well as I wanted. So the second battle came from me telling him how to do stuff-- something I felt was fine to do, but he felt criticized and we'd have huge fights.

So how do we deal with it now? We practically haven't fought about housework in forever.

1. We bought a whiteboard to keep on the fridge. Every Friday, I make a list of what I think needs to be done over the weekend. Then he comes over and picks what chores he would like to do, and I take the rest. We split the time it should take to do them in half, so he may select "vacuuming" and I'll select "water plants" and "wash/dry/put away sheets and towels." So I may have "more" chores, but watering the plants takes all of 30 seconds and adding in the sheets and towels will take about the same time as his vacuuming. We've fallen into a routine of the ones he usually takes and the ones I usually take-- he almost always does vacuuming, cleaning the stove, and the trash/recycling, and I almost always do the sheets and towels and clean the bathroom. The white board really saved us because he could choose the chores that met his standard of what was necessary and I could do what "wasn't," AND because (and this is important) I would no longer have to tell him what needed to be done. He could just look at the white board. It seems simple, but it went a long way into giving him the perception that he wasn't being told what to do. (The only chore he has not learned to do well is the bathroom, which is why I always do it, but with practice he's learned to do everything the "right" way so I don't feel the need to go behind him any more, which also helps him feel less criticized.)

2. We went to couple's counseling and read a book by John Gottman, titled something like "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and What You Can do to Save Yours." Through reading about relationship patterns, taking the little quizzes in the book that help us evaluate our own issues, and talking in counseling about how to fight better when we do fight (because we always will, of course), we've gotten a long way. I know that I need to trust that he will do the chores and do them well, and that he needs to take things less personally. It's also been a place where I've been able to tell him that I do recognize all he does around here, because he really does pull about half the weight. And, I've been in individual counseling where I can talk about this annoying need I have to be in control-- not over big important stuff and not like being bossy, but if I'm doing a chore and really need to leave the house and SO offers to do it, it's sometimes hard for me to quit in the middle and say "Ok, you do this then." I usually feel like I really need to do it, and I don't know why, because he does a fine job. So being able to recognize particular problems is important-- are you (or is he) critical? does that leave him (or you) feeling flooded with negativity? is each particular fight worth it? are you (or is he) defensive (which sort of just wastes time in a fight)? what are you (and he) willing to sacrifice to make things run smoother (like I know my SO will always forget to put glasses in the dishwasher and occasionally I come behind and get all the glasses, but I don't huff at hime while I do it) because you love and forgive each other? etc.

So that's how we settled down a bit and now we have a routine that works well for us. We still butt heads a little bit every now and then, but it's few and far between. Our philosophies on housework still differ, but I can live with that. And as long as he's pulling half the weight, then there's little for us to fight about. Good luck!

 

[Laughinggravy0]

Excellent advice ladies - we are a cooool community.

Empathy, when you are feeling really frustrated take yourself off somewhere, cool down and then put on his shoes and figure out why he has done whatever it is that has bugged you deeply. So that when you talk it through, and do talk it through, you can show him you have invested time and energy seeing whatever it is from his perspective. He'll feel respected and taken seriously which means he'll probably be more prepared to hear you clearly and openly. Plus, that way you lead by example and if he isn't thinking things through from your side, you can show him how positive it makes a conversation.

As someone has said, be careful to identify what you need to bring up and work on. Don't sweat the small stuff, but do put ideas that are important to you on the table.

On a practical level, I let my sweetie do something three times before I mention it. So, washing up sponge left in water in the washing up bowl, I'll only mention that the third time. A light left on, same thing. That way there's a margin for them to get it themselves and if they don't, they won't feel jumped on. And, like the point before, now he's doing the same, so when we mention a little glitch we each know that it's not the first time we've done it and should pay a little closer attention.

That point about having fun is really important too. Glad you had a night off together.

Your house sounds lovely, congratulations!

 

[princesss]

I want to ditto pretty much everything that has been said, and really emphasize the importance of date night. Ex-BF and I had Mondays nights set aside just to spend with each other. No computer, no texting, just hanging out together. I found that I got really frustrated because I didn't think we were spending quality time together, but he was happy because we saw each other all the time, and counted being in the house on our own laptops playing around on the internet as time together. So we had a really honest discussion (gotta ditto that advice, too - be honest, and say what you mean instead of expecting him to read your mind) and scheduled a regular date night. Our friends knew we wouldn't do anything on Mondays, and we got some great time together.

Congratulations on moving in together! I loved living with ex-BF. It was wonnnnnnnderful!

 

[TooPatient]

Wonderful advice! (all of it!)

My biggest thing I've learned --- what works for you and your relationship may not be what works for me and my relationship! You & your SO are individuals with your own little quirks/habbits/etc so while it is great to get advice from others, it is just advice and you'll have to find what works best for you. (I do think all of the ladies here have given GREAT advice!)


FI and I hadn't exactly planned on moving in together and certainly not at the time we did (LOOOooooong story). He quite literally showed up for dinner one night and never left! (like I said.... Looooooooooooooooooooooongggggggg story)

My list of helpful tidbits:

1. Pick your fights:
Glasses on the wrong side of the dishwasher? don't stress (re-wash later if needed!)
Socks on the floor? don't stress (toss in basket or just step over them)
Heater a degree too high? don't stress (put on a lighter shirt.... or skip the shirt entirely )
Calls to say he's having dinner with the guys once a week? don't stress (enjoy the quiet!)
Forgets to call to say he's having dinner with the guys and shows up at 2 am? TALK (explain the fear you felt when you hadn't heard from him)

2. Don't stress over the little stuff:
(see #1!)
Life is too short to nitpick!

3. You are both individuals who do stuff differently --- DON'T STRESS!:
Let him wash the glasses on the side of the dishwasher that doesn't get them clean (he'll eventually learn!)
Let the vacuum lines not be exactly straight (they'll be gone in 20 minutes anyway!)
If you MUST have the toilet paper facing a certain direction, flip the roll around the next time you use the bathroom

4. Be patient and learn about each other:
You're both only human and it takes time to adjust.
If he prefers to be left alone for a bit after a fight, leave him alone. If he'd like to just go to sleep after the fight, go to bed. Sometimes a fight is over something small and it just doesn't make sense to keep on about it until you agree -- sometimes sleeping on it shows just how silly it was to start with!



What we do in our relationship:

If I'm crabby FI suggests (and often prepares!) food.
If he's snipping at every person in sight I suggest (and prepare!) food.
If we have a fight in the evening that just isn't talking out, we go to bed and by the morning it is usually forgotten. (when it isn't, we at least have clearer heads to discuss stuff).

Chores:
I clean toilets.
He cleans cat boxes.
I clean the stuff out of the kitchen drains.
He scrubs the sinks.
We both take garbage/recycling out (he does this more often)
We both vacuum.
I clean the bathtubs.
He changes the sheets.
I wash/dry laundry.
He folds/hangs laundry.

We never talked about who does what or when stuff needs to be done. We just kind of fell into a routine that works for us. If he sees dishes on the counter and an empty dishwasher, he runs a load of dishes -- same for me. I do the laundry because I can keep track of what gets washed together (delicate, dry/no-dry, etc) and with just the two of us it doesn't make sense to do a "his" and "hers" load. He cleans cat boxes because it can cause me to have difficulty breathing. I clean the toilets because I can't stand how he cleans them and I feel it is a health issue (rather than complaining/correcting/teaching/nit-picking at him, I just do them myself).
All of this is really flexible and changes from week to week. If one of us is sick, the other picks up as much extra as possible to let them rest. If he's got a big deadline at work, I cook more and try to make sure stuff is clean so he doesn't have to worry about it. If I've got schoolwork to do, he cooks more and keeps stuff clean so I don't have to worry.


Hmmmm.....
Oh...
You eventually get used to sleeping in the same bed. Snoring. Kicking. Tossing/turning. Flopping. All that eventually works out and you sleep better than ever before.
Keep extra rolls of TP in each bathroom. One of you WILL forget to put a new roll out and it's just better to have extra when needed.
If there's a light he keeps leaving on and you REALLY care (like fire hazard) consider getting a motion detecting switch for the room.


You know.... That's an awful lot of typing to just say don't stress! Relax and enjoy this time together and you'll both just sort of fall into a comfortable routine that's right for you.

 

[sctsbride09]

You have already gotten such great advice so I will ditto everyone, and reemphasize some.

Pick your battles. This is seriously so important. Is it worth it to fight with someone over the cap being off the toothpaste? Or whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher? No.

Let the small stuff go. Kind of along the same lines as above. If something REALLY bothers you, go for it. Otherwise, most of the time its not worth it. And I know Ill probably get flamed for this..But if something doesnt matter to you but it clearly is an issue for your BF, let him. Living together is full of compromises, though not as much as when you are married. the sooner you both learn to compromise, the better.

Now these next 2 are subjective, but I find them helpful *for us*, so I will pass them along hoping maybe it will help you, if not disregard them. The first thing is- We always eat dinner together, at the table, with no tv. If we didnt have time for dinner, I would make it a different meal like breakfast, we just feel its important to have that daily reconnect time with no other distractions.

We talk about everything. There is absolutely nothing that my DH and I dont discuss. This helps cut down on a lot of arguments, because it keeps us on the same page, and we seem to be more aware of each others feelings.We also do not yell at each other or name call in arguments, If we are in an actual argument, we have gotten to the point were we can say to each other that we need a minute to collect ourselves, then calmly and rationally discuss later. But we dont go to bed mad, we always make sure to end the discussion before then. Arguing has no place in the bedroom.

Congrats on your new place, enjoy it!

 

[lapelirroja]

In terms of cleaning, I've found (after living with BF for going on 3 years) that having assigned areas works well.

For example, BF always cleans the kitchen, its HIS area. My area is the bathroom. These areas both take the longest amount of time, so we each do these and meet each other in the middle (literally) to make sure the living room is vacuumed and the bedroom looks okay. We never clean without the other person cleaning as well. By cleaning together on assigned "cleaning days," no one has to slave over the toilet or scrub the stove alone while the other one messes around online or watches tv. We usually finish our areas at around the same time and can get on with our day without any hard feelings.

 

[Anonymous]

All great advice. I'm not a huge fan of the "never go to bed mad" thing, because for us we just ended up getting more emotional and less rational. I do agree with the idea of not sleeping in separate beds, even if it's hard to fall asleep.

Other than that...respect each other - always. Fight fair when you do fight. The final one is what my fortune cookie said tonight, no joke!

"It's always worth taking the trouble to praise people."

 

[StonieGrl]

Everyone else got the romance and the cohabiting parts so I'm going COLD BLOODED right HERE RIGHT NOW BABY!

1. Do not move in with your beloved until you have first/last month's rent saved up. You may need it to get quickly moved out and into another place.
2. Do NOT merge your finances with your beloved. Many of us wait years to merge our money with our SPOUSE and even then we only do it when we are the one out of work, LOL. In other words, to our advantage. I lived with three men before I married two of them/broke up with one fiance and I never covered expenses. My money was mine, they were happy I would move in with them without bringing my money into it.
3. If you make LESS money than your beloved and insist on paying for your 'share,' do NOT pay 50-50. Pay percentages.
3. Do NOT sign any contracts related to housin. If things go sour do you really want to hold the bag on a lease/deposits/etc? You want to have to search for a roomie when you want to be alone? You want to live where you were once happy? Let THEM sign stuff, they are getting the lovely benefit of your presence 24/7 along with likely exclusivity. If their credit stinks and they need you to sign, RUN.
4. If you can at all do this, hold on to your apartment/home/domicile UNTIL you get whatever you feel makes things 100% secure: A ring, a proposal, a whirlwind weekend wedding, whatever it is that says to you: All in now. I held on to my place when I was essentially living with someone and I got a ring/proposal within a month. Not saying that is the reason, but.

 

[Anonymous]

I understand that sometimes people get burned, but in 2011 I think it's safe to say that guys have just as much at stake as girls. If my SO had put those conditions on me and made me take all the financial risks re: signing the lease, etc. I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship.

Again, I understand the need to protect oneself, but not to the degree of not being willing to meet your partner half way. If you're not to the stage where you can trust them enough to do this, then you have no business moving in together w/them anyhow. The only exception to this is if you both realize that it's too early to merge into one unit but are moving in together essentially as roommates...which is sad, but I recognize that it's not all that unheard of.

 

[blacksand]

Yeah, I think we're somewhere in between. We did both sign the lease, and we definitely both contribute, however at this point, we're not really contributing equally. This upset me at first, as I really wanted to split things down the middle, but I have some debt I really need to get paid off, so I'm focusing on that right now and paying for utilities, groceries, and other essentials while he pays the rent. It's not ideal, but I need to pay off my debt, and I'm adamant about doing that before we even think about joining our finances (and before the wedding). So it's what works for us for now. We're both satisfied with that arrangement at the moment.

What we still haven't really worked out is how to actually live together. This is my last official week renting my old apartment, so I've been over there every night, all night after work trying to get everything out and cleaned up before my inspection. I'm busy, I'm exhausted, I'm grumpy, and I've hardly spent any time with the man I live with. This week officially blows chunks. I just want to be finished with all this work so we can get to the business of actually setting things up in the new house and settling into new routines that work for us. Oh, and idk, maybe ordering a ring? At this point it won't be ready in time for my birthday. Sigh. We've just been too busy, and we keep having to put it off. It's NOT just him stalling...I've been so busy I don't have time to blink, so I've been putting it off, too. So I have no right to be upset that it won't be ready in time for my birthday. But it stinks. AND my boss, who was a dear friend, got laid off, so this week has been all-day meetings about restructuring, which basically resulted in my being told that I'm so lucky I get to keep my job and not take a pay cut, and I should be glad to take on my boss's workload for no extra pay, oh and did I mention my new boss is an absolute witch? This week needs to end NOW. I'm sorry, is this not the rant thread?

 

[TooPatient]

I'm sorry you're having a rough week. It's almost over!

When we moved out of my apartment, we had to pack/move/scrub/etc/etc/etc/etc and literally dropped the keys in the after-hours drop less than an hour (15 minutes?) before they lock the box and charge (massive) late fees.

It'll be over soon and well worth the misery you're dealing with now!

 

[StonieGrl]

Yeah, I hear you, its always a question of risk tolerance: How much risk are you willing to accept in a given situation?

I indulged in my risk taking behavior in terms of living with my boyfriend/fiances when I was in my mid-20s-mid-30s, pretty much ended that in my mid-30s (I broke off one engagement and had a divorce under my belt by 35) without apologizing to anyone for putting myself first since I was single and childless.

Everyone is different regarding this. I didn't feel it was a question of "meeting halfway" because when I live with someone (the three times I did it) I was being exclusive to them, I stopped dating other men and was devoted exclusively to the man I was living with. None of the three men I lived with felt unmet halfway or taken advantage of, they were pretty happy to have me living with them and had strong provider instincts and the income to back them up. Money was not a negotiating or problematic factor, the negotiating revolved around how long the cohabiting state might last and what kind of behavior on our parts would ensue.

LOL, if course I never paid to date anyone either, so any guy who was looking for me to pay for things was weeded out after one date.

I did, however, when I was cohabiting, pay in full for some lovely high-end vacations for us.

For me, cohabiting was not some "halfway" arrangement BUT I wasn't willing to implode my finances and contractual ability to quickly move out/into something if I needed to (this was when I was young and still a renter). I held my credit in high esteem.

It was a good thing too because one of the breakups was messy and unhappy for both of us and at least I could get out of Dodge within 24 hours with plenty of money to get my next residence and no lease contracts to hold me up.

 

[merbear1215]

Hello! Hope all is well, here is my experience/advice!

My DH and I moved in together after two years of dating. It was actually my place and he was moving in from out town (i.e. leaving his job). He had savings to make up for the loss of job, but of course, in this economy, it took him way longer to find a job than we had anticipated. This meant he ran out of money and I was covering a lot. I felt a little funny about this but my sister was like "you love him, and if the situation were reversed, he would do the same." At one point, he talked about taking out a loan to cover some costs but I thought that made no sense. I mean, we always thought we would end up married so I felt if I could cover the bills, let's do that instead of him taking out a loan that we both end up paying off with interest.

I understand you wanting to split things half way and keep everything equal. But this is the way I see it: the keeping everything equal, the splitting of bills, etc....that is a roomate thing. If you can do that, great. If one of you makes more than the other, and therefore covers more, that is what makes you a partnership and not just someone you live with.

DH and I are 2.5 months happily married but we both agree that the hardest time in our relationship was when he first moved in. I think we had different expectations. He moved from a disgusting bachelor pad to my condo and I wanted things clean. The thing about my hubs is this: it is almost like he doesn't see mess, it just doesn't register for him. So instead of getting mad (or at least I try not to) I just say "hey, please clean that up." He is ALWAYS willing to help when I ask, he just never seems to see it on his own. There are only two jobs that are ONLY his, that is walking our dog at night and taking out the trash

What made the beginning so difficult for us was that he had left everything, his friends, job, family. For me, life was pretty much the same except even better because my Bf was there. After he found a job, his days were busy and he was making friends so I think he felt much better and we were much better together!

 

[HaloBelle]

I have to agree with most of what has been said here although I did not read all of them (sorry! they are long and I'm at work )

Just thought I would share what I have learned in the last 3 years. We moved in together with 4 room mates (all male and great friends of ours) and I loved every second of it, miss it terribly. But ya know, that was college, it was like a frat house, and I said I would not live with JUST him until engagement. I actually just moved out 2 months ago to go to my new job (career!!!!) Anyways, lessons I have learned from living with 5 boys for 3 years:

1. Share the basics and have a kitty fund: Toilet paper, paper towels, bug spray, holiday decor (they agreed to pay if I agreed to decorate, peeeeerfect), other things that EVERYONE and their guests use. This is nice because when the TP is in code red (less than 5 rolls) some one buys it and adds it to the kitty. Our kitty was an online document for tracking "house" spending.

2. Buy your own groceries or at the very least split according to how much they eat. When the BF and I went to the grocery we split the bill depending on that particular trip but if we were buying for the week, he generally paid 70%. It was no secret that he ate twice what I did... We would put it all on the conveyor, split out personals (my shampoo that costs 10x his...) and then split the food 70/30. You will never argue about food money again - promise.

3. Any time ANY BOY sweeps, mops, vacuums, windexes, tidies up, cleans anything thank him and tell him how wonderful it looks. It doesn't matter if he did a mediocre job or if you'll redo it when he goes to class, the point is he is trying and you are thankful.

4. The "I cook, you clean" thing only works if it is agreed on before every meal verbally. Assumption here only leads to resentment and passive aggressive "not it" arguments. Trust me, with 6 different people cooking and supposedly cleaning you learn real quick that the best way to deal with this is before it happens.

5. never stop communicating. ever. about anything. I know more about those boys than their own mothers because we all agreed that we would talk about everything to prevent anything ill-willed from happening. This will not (i hope) apply to you, but even when it came down to "I made breakfast for your 5 drunken hooligans and that drunk girl from the bar, would you mind cleaning up the party you left in the front yard before my friends come over for lunch??" Rather than complain internally about it and do it for them/him, put on a smile and just talk about it. everyone is happier that way.

6. Big purchases need to be split 50/50 up front. We have a lot of furniture that i left behind because they "bought out" my shares, like stock in a company. Think about it, if you break up and he keeps the kitchen table - would you be heartbroken? Maybe, but you can always buy out his share and take it with you!

That was long winded but seriously I could write a book about how to deal with anything with the male half of the species. Best of luck moving in - it should be an exciting time, remember that!!