Tips for firing my nanny due to difference in values

[pearaffair]

I’ve decided our nanny isn’t the right fit*.

I plan on thanking her for taking great care of our child, and to say that I thought I was ready for childcare but it turns out I’m not.

Gah. This is such a crazy situation. Any help?

I’m nervous to post more details.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Your plan sounds pretty solid, regardless of the (I'm sure) stressful details as to why you're cutting ties.

Definitely do it in person and see that she's all paid up.

 

[the_mother_thing]

If I may ask, why not cite the actual reason for terminating her (the difference in values) vs. putting it back on yourself?

If you don’t feel her values align with what you wish to be exampled for your child/ren, why not just be firm & clear about that so 1) you don’t feel some sort of guilt over this situation (you shouldn’t); and 2) the nanny has an opportunity to potentially consider how her own actions contributed to this decision?

 

[Matata]

I plan on thanking her for taking great care of our child, and to say that I thought I was ready for childcare but it turns out I’m not.

If you're talking about differences in child-rearing values such as whether or not naps are necessary or kids shouldn't have sugar then be honest. If you're talking about fundamental personal beliefs -- religious, political, racial etc -- then keep it simple, don't go into detail and avoid a discrimination/harassment accusation.

 

[Ellen]

Sounds good. Just be sure to point out all the things you DID like about her, and I would say that part last. Trying to literally leave on a good note! Good luck!

 

[sledge]

I would echo @the_mother_thing. I see no need to lie or be deceitful.

Are you worried about hurting her feelings, or that she could bring legal action for unjust firing?

If the latter study up on your state laws regarding employment and firing.

 

[pearaffair]

Yeah I’m worried about legal action (which is probably unlikely) but also having bad feelings with someone in a small town who knows where I live and knows my kid.

It’s a difference in fundamental beliefs.

I think the best advice is to keep it short and sweet, all paid up, and move on. Agh.

 

[pearaffair]

Your plan sounds pretty solid, regardless of the (I'm sure) stressful details as to why you're cutting ties.

Definitely do it in person and see that she's all paid up.

If I may ask, why not cite the actual reason for terminating her (the difference in values) vs. putting it back on yourself?

If you don’t feel her values align with what you wish to be exampled for your child/ren, why not just be firm & clear about that so 1) you don’t feel some sort of guilt over this situation (you shouldn’t); and 2) the nanny has an opportunity to potentially consider how her own actions contributed to this decision?

I would echo @the_mother_thing. I see no need to lie or be deceitful.

Are you worried about hurting her feelings, or that she could bring legal action for unjust firing?

If the latter study up on your state laws regarding employment and firing.

Yeah it’s tough. I hate conflict and I also want to protect my family above all else :/

 

[OreoRosies86]

I don't see a need to make it personal. It's not deceptive and you don't need to explain yourself if doing so could potentially incriminate you or expose you to a wrongful termination court drama. I'm letting you go, here's your pay, have a good life!

 

[pearaffair]

I don't see a need to make it personal. It's not deceptive and you don't need to explain yourself if doing so could potentially incriminate you or expose you to a wrongful termination court drama. I'm letting you go, here's your pay, have a good life!

Thanks. For some reason, it helped to hear that! Although I do think everyone else made excellent points.

@sledge - I read up on the legalities of my location. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[the_mother_thing]

@pearaffair If the ‘fundamental beliefs’ for letting her go are against the law (e.g., religion), then it might behoove you to first consult with an attorney before you do anything to know your rights, just to cover yourself from a potential lawsuit. You noted it’s unlikely, but you also noted it’s a small town, so it’s not unreasonable the current nanny might find out when you get a new nanny and get a bug up her butt about it. It seems everyone is ‘sue-happy’ these days unfortunately.

Probably unnecessary, but I suspect a consultation fee with an attorney would be good ‘insurance’ and far cheaper compared to the cost of a defense attorney.

Good luck!

 

[pearaffair]

@pearaffair If the ‘fundamental beliefs’ for letting her go are against the law (e.g., religion), then it might behoove you to first consult with an attorney before you do anything to know your rights, just to cover yourself from a potential lawsuit. You noted it’s unlikely, but you also noted it’s a small town, so it’s not unreasonable the current nanny might find out when you get a new nanny and get a bug up her butt about it. It seems everyone is ‘sue-happy’ these days unfortunately.

Probably unnecessary, but I suspect a consultation fee with an attorney would be good ‘insurance’ and far cheaper compared to the cost of a defense attorney.

Good luck!

Oops. I meet with her in an hour. Hopefully it all turns out. I think it will be ok.

Thanks for helping me think it out though <3

Another facet of the truth is that I’m just not ready for childcare like I thought I was. So I’m going with that.

 

[Matata]

There's no need to consult an attorney. You can fire her for no reason. And you need to do it with as few words as possible. If you get into a situation where you're trying to explain, particularly because this delves into core beliefs, then the more risk for arguments, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. Thank her for her service (don't get too elaborate -- it's problematic to thank someone for taking excellent care of a child at the same you're firing her, particularly when you aren't giving a reason), give her whatever notice and severance is appropriate. If she asks for a reason, just keep restating that you've decided to let her go and that there's nothing further to discuss. Don't get fooled, guilted into giving any more info than that.

 

[Matata]

Never mind, we were posting at the same time.

 

[pearaffair]

There's no need to consult an attorney. You can fire her for no reason. And you need to do it with as few words as possible. If you get into a situation where you're trying to explain, particularly because this delves into core beliefs, then the more risk for arguments, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. Thank her for her service (don't get too elaborate -- it's problematic to thank someone for taking excellent care of a child at the same you're firing her, particularly when you aren't giving a reason), give her whatever notice and severance is appropriate. If she asks for a reason, just keep restating that you've decided to let her go and that there's nothing further to discuss. Don't get fooled, guilted into giving any more info than that.

Thanks <3

It’s only been a month or two so we’re under the three month window (after which point you need “cause”).

 

[Ellen]

Please let us know how it goes.

 

[sledge]

Sounds like you've already met and fired her so this is likely too late.

It's been my experience when firing someone, or breaking up with someone is very similar. Usually one party is ready to move on, but the other may not be ready or even understand why.

Both professionally and personally I've found it best to just be direct, diplomatic and as brief as possible. No need to hash out all the wrongs or blow smoke up their rear. For people I've fired that were good, but not good for my situation, I've offered recommendation letters if they would like it and even helped a few find other positions through an extensive network I've created.

Guess I've done that for a few girls too, but never thought of it that way.

Being from a small town, I know people are nosey and news travels fast so be cautious about reasoning as your future actions will likely be known to the person you're firing.

While I talk all big, the truth is I hate firing people. Even the ones that "deserve it". For the more difficult ones I've had several sleepless nights as a result so I can understand the struggle. But you need to remember that is YOUR issue, not theirs. You are firing them, so don't dare burden them with any guilt you feel. It's not fair to either of you and there is nothing to be said that will make it better.

So to recap be brief and treat the person with the dignity and respect you'd like to receive in an unfavorable situation.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Arcadian]

Well you could tell her its not her but its you and your ideas of child rearing don't align and leave it at that.

 

[jaaron]

I hope it went well. I've been in a similar situation and it's not fun. The only thing I would add, is - are you comfortable with her possibly going on to nanny for a different family? Or to be blunt, is it really a value difference, or are you concerned about her fitness in some way?

 

[pearaffair]

I hope it went well. I've been in a similar situation and it's not fun. The only thing I would add, is - are you comfortable with her possibly going on to nanny for a different family? Or to be blunt, is it really a value difference, or are you concerned about her fitness in some way?

She’s a great caregiver. Just don’t want her in my house

My house is a safe space, that supports the rights and freedoms of all people. Yep.

It went well. I really appreciate all of the support and advice.

 

[sledge]

Glad it went well @pearaffair. Everyone likes a happy ending!

And @jaaron, the "it's not you, it's me" line is so blah. Be original. Be the Cookie Monster....