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Time frame for moving

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nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
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Mar 11, 2005
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Hi everyone-

I know I''ve pretty much fallen off the planet. It''s also weird that I can''t log on to PS from work anymore, (our IT person has no idea why it''s blocked) so I haven''t been able to post and vent and ask for advice from you guys.

Th past month or so was pretty bad. It''s only started to improve the past week. I know, not a good way for a marriage to start. It was to the point that I stayed at a friends house for a couple of days. My dear husband is starting to fear everything basically. it''s like the realization that it''sn ot all about him hit hard, way harder than most people. It took one good talking to from his mom so that we could really start talking again.

It''s no big secret to him, or anyone else whow knows us, that I have always wanted to move. No part of me has ever wanted to stay forever in Boston. My first love is New York, but it''s more expensive than Boston (whcih is getting ridiculous considering you don''t get much here) so another optin is Montreal. Now, this is no surprise to him. We have spent a good aomunt of time discussing this. Somewhere on the board last year I asked the Montrealers about moving there. We even wrote down all things that we would have to do to make it happen. He seemed fine then. He brought it up at Christmas dinner with hsi family, saying we were going to move when we could. fast forward to Late January, when his sister made a mention of it, he told her no, that isn''t going to happen. The month of Feb was spent trying to figure out what made him freak out this much. Very long story short, the major parts of this issue have been brought to light and are being handled now.

My question I guess is for anyone who has moved to a different country. How much time, money and effort did it take? What about finding a place to live, licensing for a particular job you do, finding work in general and dealing with immigration paperwork?
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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I don''t have any advice, but I hope things get better. I have always wanted to move to Europe, so it will be interesting to see how cross country moves work. Great question!

*M*
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
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7,074
I don't have much knowledge about that kind of move either, but I wanted to tell you that if you indeed move to Montreal, I'll try to help you as much as I can. FI and I are moving there (from surrounding areas) on May 1st, we just found an apartment yesterday.

Here's the Immigration Quebec website: http://www.immigration-quebec.gouv.qc.ca/en/index.asp, maybe that could help.
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Thank you poptart; I''m hoping things greatly improve as well. My brother moved to Germany after he retired form the military in 1992. That was the last country he was stationed in and he loved it, so he made the changes to move there.

Anchor, I appreciate the link. I''ve come across so may sites. it''s nice to have one from the government. I do have a friend of a friend who moved up there about six years ago and I''m supposed to get her on the phone so she can give me the low down as well. If we can make it happen any help I would be so grateful for. Certainly one of the first things to do would be to take you out for a thank you dinner!
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/11/2007 3:43:04 PM
Author: nytemist
Anchor, I appreciate the link. I've come across so may sites. it's nice to have one from the government. I do have a friend of a friend who moved up there about six years ago and I'm supposed to get her on the phone so she can give me the low down as well. If we can make it happen any help I would be so grateful for. Certainly one of the first things to do would be to take you out for a thank you dinner!
You're very sweet, I'd be thrilled to meet up with you someday! www.moremontreal.com is a great site for general information, including apartments, businesses, services and government info. I think you mentioned the Plateau once... Definitely a great place to live. A little pricey as far as Montreal goes (still not as much as downtown, though!
), but it's clean, safe and generally nice.

ETA: Eep, just noticed most of the website is in French. Sorry about that.


ETA2: If you google "immigration Quebec", there are a number of sites you can visit for information.
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
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962
Sorry I vanished. Thank you very much for the info anchor. I managed through some of the sites, even in French. I''m by no means fluent, but I do well with figuring out most words since they are familiar. I know it''s a long application process, so I would like to get the process started soon, like this summer. By the time my application comes up for interview, my French will better from a class and I will have more money put away (this is how I''m hoping things work out)

Unfortunately, this is still a source of some tension. I really don''t think DH wants to go anywhere, much less Canada. I haven''t been able to brings up the topic lately since he nods his head and tunes out. Don''t know what will happen.
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
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7,074
I''m sorry you and DH can''t seem to agree on this. I assume you''ve sat down and discussed the pros and and cons of the move... Why is he so relunctant? Why would he not want to move, and why not Canada? Moving to another country is probably pretty scary! What makes you so eager to come here? I really hope you can reach an agreement that you''ll both be happy with.

Bonne chance avec les cours de français!
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
Hi Nytemist! Sorry to hear you're having a few communication challenges.
If you guys have been working out what made him freak, why is he back to tuning you out on the subject?

I do sympathize about not starting a marriage off on a happy note. In an ideal world I would have prefered not to start off married life with a depressed and irritable husband. Well, I made sure the whole 'in good times and in bad' line was in the vows!


We're moving too (in four months) and I have to admit that I'm viewing it a bit as a cureall for our woes. That our lives will magically become they way we want it to be when we move. I'm coming to realize that to get our lives the way we want them to be means we need to start working on the changes now, not wait until we start fresh in a new place.


ANyway, Good luck and keep us posted!
*HUGS*
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
Thank you for the positive vibes! I know it sounds really head-in-the-cluds to most people, but I also think moving would finally be the shedding skin, fresh start together as a couple that we need. I know it will be tough and a drawn out process (immigration, jobs, language, place to live) but I see it as an adventure to embark on and learn together. He seea an aggravating, uphill battle. It seems more to be frear than a communication problem. A couple of years ago when I said that I would love to move to NYC, he was fine with it and said he could see himself living there. Last year when I thought about Montreal as an alternative, he though it was a pretty good idea, financially speaking since NY is crazy expensive (Boston is just as bad) Now he''s tries to poke holes in it. It will be an interesting first year of mariage I tell you.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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1,899
I just wanted to say that I hope everything works out with this and DH is able to calm down a little. From reading your posts it really reminds me of my personality as opposed to DH''s. I am the one who is afraid of the change and all of the what if''s and DH is always like, "Oh, new idea! Let''s try it!" As I am in the corner listing all the ways this could ruin EVERYTHING... everything being some unknown thing, haha. Anyway, what I''m trying to say is that these things work themselves out and you should use this difference to your advantage. If he is trying to "poke holes" in your ideas, it is not necessarily because he truly thinks it is a bad idea, but because he''s trying to think all of it through so he can go in it with some control and ease. Might I suggest giving him all the plans of what you want to do, and even if he seems like he is tuning you out, he might be listening and he really is just scared. DH and I have developed a system where if he comes up with an idea, or a trip, or anything, that I don''t immediately try to tell him how it wouldn''t work. I let him speak his peace, tell him I think that it is a great idea (if I really believe it is), and then I list all the things we could do to make the process easier and more hassle free. I think just talking with your DH about how this is making you feel will help a lot. DH, in turn, also knows not to come to me with an idea without explicit details, or else I WILL tune him out, lol. It''s kind of like an inventor and a planner team, and it really can work to your advantage. But I think you have to get over this communication hump before either of you will be able to talk about a move with any type of success. As for your DH saying he thought this was a good idea a few years ago, I have said the same thing to my husband. And that''s because I really did think the idea was a good one, but putting it in action terrified me and made everything seem like it was "really happening," which for some people is an adventure, but for others is the loss of stability. Also, if I have accidentally pegged you or your DH incorrectly, sorry, and just ignore the post (maybe it will help somebody else). I just was seeing big similarities in the personalities. Best of luck!

*M*
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
I just wanted to say that I hope everything works out with this and DH is able to calm down a little. From reading your posts it really reminds me of my personality as opposed to DH''s. I am the one who is afraid of the change and all of the what if''s and DH is always like, "Oh, new idea! Let''s try it!" As I am in the corner listing all the ways this could ruin EVERYTHING... everything being some unknown thing, haha. Anyway, what I''m trying to say is that these things work themselves out and you should use this difference to your advantage. If he is trying to "poke holes" in your ideas, it is not necessarily because he truly thinks it is a bad idea, but because he''s trying to think all of it through so he can go in it with some control and ease. Might I suggest giving him all the plans of what you want to do, and even if he seems like he is tuning you out, he might be listening and he really is just scared. DH and I have developed a system where if he comes up with an idea, or a trip, or anything, that I don''t immediately try to tell him how it wouldn''t work. I let him speak his peace, tell him I think that it is a great idea (if I really believe it is), and then I list all the things we could do to make the process easier and more hassle free. I think just talking with your DH about how this is making you feel will help a lot. DH, in turn, also knows not to come to me with an idea without explicit details, or else I WILL tune him out, lol. It''s kind of like an inventor and a planner team, and it really can work to your advantage. But I think you have to get over this communication hump before either of you will be able to talk about a move with any type of success. As for your DH saying he thought this was a good idea a few years ago, I have said the same thing to my husband. And that''s because I really did think the idea was a good one, but putting it in action terrified me and made everything seem like it was "really happening," which for some people is an adventure, but for others is the loss of stability. Also, if I have accidentally pegged you or your DH incorrectly, sorry, and just ignore the post (maybe it will help somebody else). I just was seeing big similarities in the personalities. Best of luck!

*M*
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Sorry about the double post. My internet had a spasm!

*M*
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
No apologies needed poptart, you nailed it pretty well. I have a notebook of every big detail involved and told him to read through it when he was ready and we will discuss all the concerns. I don''t think he has yet and it''s frustrating, but I can''t force him to do it. I have to believe his word that he will sit down with me and talk through this soon. (ha- boy soon?)
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
Well, I guess the ball really is in his court then. Have you talked with him about what exactly he is so afraid of? Sometimes that helps because many times you find that over half of the fears are completely irrational and/or can be fixed by simply changing your perspective a little bit. I''m sorry it''s so frustrating for you because it is obviously important to you to be able to move and kind of start fresh.

*M*
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
My sister was going through something similar with her boyfriend. My sister is very outgoing and LOVES to travel everywhere and anywhere. Her BF (who even though they are not engaged yet, it is only a matter of time) is really close to his family and shy. Doesn''t have a passport. Doesn''t WANT a passport. Well my sister decided she wants to move to San Francisco. At first he said no. Well, I don''t know if she wore him down or what but a year later he seems on board. They are going there to visit next week and are planning to move this summer. Maybe your DH just needs more time. Maybe he doesn''t understand how important it is to you. I encourage you to be open and honest and listen to his reasons. Maybe it is only a matter of time and he''ll come around too!
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
I''m being as open as I can. I don''t constantly bring it up, the last time there was a conversation about it, I told him to come to me and talk about when he was ready. It seems to have gone right out of his head. It''s hard to just sit and do nothing when I could be getting immigration paperwork started and things like that. There shouldn''t be the need for a lot more time. This isn''t a surprise to him- back when we started dating, I was clear about wanting to move. We''ll see what happens.
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
Good luck, nytemist! If he doesn't bring it up, do you have a timeframe for bringing it up yourself?

I obviously don't really know your DH so I may be wrong, but while you were still a LIW, I had the impression that he was/is someone who tends to procrastinate until he has absolutely no choice to act. Do you think that could be an issue with this situation?

ETA: In the first posts you mentioned a friend of a friend who moved here. Have you talked to her yet? How's the information gathering going?

ETA2: It snowed in Mtl today. All afternoon. HARD. Doesn't happen a lot in mid-April, but it's not a first. Just so you know.
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
962
Yes, my timframe for broaching the topic again is when I actually start filling about paperwork, which all along I have said I''m going to start by this summer (June/July). I''m not kidding about that. One of my friends said to me that nothing will make him take me more seriously than me getting approved. He would then think ''oh crap she''s serious. She could potentially leave without me''. Which clearly, I don''t want that to happen.

He is a pretty bad procrastinator. If it''s really, really important to him, he makes sure to get it done. Otherwise, he will put it off, say yeah I''ll do it and then at the last second he''s flies into a panick because whatever needed to be done hasn''t been done yet. Perfect example- he hasn''t done his taxes yet and the deadline in the US is April 17th. he waits until the last moment every year.

I did talk to my friend. She gave me heaps of info and things I need to do and when. It''s really good to have someone who has been through the process to be able to advise me.

Also, I know about Montreal winter. Since the age of 15, most of them time I''ve only been there between October and March. Winter weather can be brutal there. We got some snow here today in Mass as well. The lastest we have had snow here was back in 1977 on May 10th. I was in early grade school and had a snow day!
 

Mag00

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 10, 2007
Messages
66
well, i can tell you my parents moved to another country (tried at least, it didnt last long) but they had to move across the Atlantic.

You are still on the same continent (and very close too), so I imagine its much easier. (i.e you dont have to sell all your stuff)

you can probably have your stuff shipped for not too much?
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
Messages
7,074
Date: 4/12/2007 10:41:46 PM
Author: nytemist
Yes, my timframe for broaching the topic again is when I actually start filling about paperwork, which all along I have said I''m going to start by this summer (June/July). I''m not kidding about that. One of my friends said to me that nothing will make him take me more seriously than me getting approved. He would then think ''oh crap she''s serious. She could potentially leave without me''. Which clearly, I don''t want that to happen.

He is a pretty bad procrastinator. If it''s really, really important to him, he makes sure to get it done. Otherwise, he will put it off, say yeah I''ll do it and then at the last second he''s flies into a panick because whatever needed to be done hasn''t been done yet. Perfect example- he hasn''t done his taxes yet and the deadline in the US is April 17th. he waits until the last moment every year.

I did talk to my friend. She gave me heaps of info and things I need to do and when. It''s really good to have someone who has been through the process to be able to advise me.

Also, I know about Montreal winter. Since the age of 15, most of them time I''ve only been there between October and March. Winter weather can be brutal there. We got some snow here today in Mass as well. The lastest we have had snow here was back in 1977 on May 10th. I was in early grade school and had a snow day!
I''m glad to know you''re being so assertive. Way to go! I really hope your DH will come around.

I''m also glad you have someone who can guide you with the hows and whens. Keep me posted, once you have a date range for the move I''ll see what I can do about helping you find a place to stay.

About the snow, I was only half kidding. I figured you''d know about our winters since you''ve been here regularly.
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
962
Well I asked him about it today and as I thought, he hadn''t really thought about it lately. I asked why and he said it simply hadn''t crossed his mind. He did remember that I wanted to try to start the paperwork this summer, yet just didn''t think it was imprtant right now.

I''m incredibly annoyed, but I''m not going to start a fight about it. Knowing him, if it isn''t a priority, or even on his mind to consider, it means "I don''t want to" but he won''t come right out and say that. I can only let it go and do it on my own.

Massachusetts isn''t a bad place. I grew up in Boston. It''s just that I have felt for years that I have outgrown it. Plus the town I had to move to after getting married is one of those really quiet small towns where there is nothing so it feels worse. I don''t want everything to fall apart over this, but I feel trapped and stifled and like life is passing me by. I know I''m not old, but I have that feeling of being ''too old'' to start over and really get out and have fun and start a new career in a new place. This is a partnership where both of our needs should be met. But if you ask him what he wants out of life, he shrugs his shoulders and says just to survive. That''s where the struggle is.

Thanks for the advice everyone. We''ll see what happens.
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
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7,074
I hope you can resolve this... I''m sorry your DH seems to be so unmotivated about life. Does he have a history of depression? I don''t mean to pry, but it just seems so sad to me that someone would "just want to survive" life. Do you think maybe it would be a good time to seek couple therapy? I truly believe in therapy, and maybe it could help the both of you.
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
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Nope, no history of depression. He can just be really lazy at times. But if it''s something he really wants to do, he''s the picture of motivation.

I suggested he go talk to someone on his own a few years ago. Since he still has his element of shyness and wanting to remain so private, he didn''t want to do it. I think he needs to, but some never react well to truth that they don''t want to hear.

On another note, I did the questionnaire to see if I would qualify as a skilled worker and I do! That isn''t much, but every little bit helps.
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
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7,074
Good for you for qualifying as a skilled worker!

I hope you and hubby can work things out. I really wish you the best.
 
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