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Thoroughly confused the BF....and myself

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lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
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Dec 12, 2008
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Alright ladies, I could use some advice or a harsh talking to...

Here''s the background:

My BF and I have been together for over 3 years. My BF told me about a year ago that the only reason he was waiting to propose was because he wanted to be able to get me a beautiful ring and couldn''t do so on a student budget. Well we graduated in June ''08 and have been working since October. So around December I started looking at erings and found PS. I told BF that I wanted to help design my ering and though he was a little surprised, he said he was relieved. So we started looking at erings and planning a wedding for fall 2009.

Well I couldn''t commit to a diamond because I kept feeling guilty about taking money away from our house fund and the BF had serious sticker shock for everything wedding-related (we''re paying for our own wedding). So, we had a heart-to-heart and decided to hold off the wedding until we got our house and figured out our budget and how much we could save. So, we came up with an 18-month plan for the house and we''re both really excited about becoming home-owners. We''ve been going to open houses to educate ourselves about the market and are having a blast.

So here''s where the issue is...

When we were coming up with the budget, my BF said "oh, well we have to leave room for me to make a certain large purchase...." I can''t tell you how great that felt but I said "No, we should push that off as well so that we can get as much of a down payment as possible before our lease is up. I love you though for wanting to do that" Those may not be the exact words but something like it.

Now, I''m kicking myself for saying that!!! I just REALLY want to be engaged. I guess I didn''t realize how much so when I told him we should push it back. Well, now I feel kind of dumb because I can''t say "oh by the way, let''s put that large purchase back in the budget"...Then I''d feel like I was telling him to propose. I just don''t know why I didn''t smile coyly and say "yes, we should budget for that!"

Anyway...let me have it...did I just doom myself to 18 months without an engagement? Is there any way I can go back on that without seeming pushy?
 

lucyandroger

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Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
I should add...

I''ve been kind of acting irrationally because of these feelings lately as well. Like kind of throwing it in his face that we''re not even engaged as if it''s his fault.


I still want to push the wedding back and am so glad we are but I guess I want some sort of public acknowledgement of our relationship. I''m not sure why that''s so important to me...
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Oh hun I''m sorry but I had to LOL

I don''t know if you guys are living together right now or not but that''s exactly what happens when you move in together. You think, yeah I want to get engaged but I also really want new floors/cabinets/AC unit etc. I used to get so excited thinking about the engagement but when I thought about the money he would have to spend I''d immediately look at my disgusting carpets and think it would be so much better to wake up to tiled floors


I would be honest with him. Tell him that you really want to focus on getting the house but that you also don''t want to put the engagement on the back burner. Just let him know that at the time you thought you would be ok with it but now that you were able to digest your own words, you realize that you are looking forward to the engagement just as much as you are purchasing the house. If there is anyone in the world you should be able to have an honest discussion with, it''s him right?
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
I understand how you''re feeling, but I''m going to do what you''ve asked and give you a reality check.

You and your "bf" are planning a wedding. That means you''re ENGAGED, regardless of there being a ring or not.

You and your FI (yes, he is your fiance) have goals you''ve set for yourselves as a couple, which is fantastic. Really, impressively mature. However, men often have their own goals and most men consider e-rings to be their personal responsibility, not that of the couple''s. It''s basically one of the last things they have full control over before they have to start getting your input on every dime spent. While you both have a mutual goal of saving for a house, he should have his own savings as well (and you should too). Maybe you should sit him down and have another conversation about the budget. You could pose it as though with the economy you''re concerned about job security etc., and you think you should both have emergency funds or funds for a rainy day.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511
Date: 3/25/2009 12:08:43 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I understand how you''re feeling, but I''m going to do what you''ve asked and give you a reality check.

You and your ''bf'' are planning a wedding. That means you''re ENGAGED, regardless of there being a ring or not.

You and your FI (yes, he is your fiance) have goals you''ve set for yourselves as a couple, which is fantastic. Really, impressively mature. However, men often have their own goals and most men consider e-rings to be their personal responsibility, not that of the couple''s. It''s basically one of the last things they have full control over before they have to start getting your input on every dime spent. While you both have a mutual goal of saving for a house, he should have his own savings as well (and you should too). Maybe you should sit him down and have another conversation about the budget. You could pose it as though with the economy you''re concerned about job security etc., and you think you should both have emergency funds or funds for a rainy day.
Well said... ditto this.
 

annadragon

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
170
Stop with the passive-aggressive stuff! You''re only going to make him feel guilty for wanting to get you a ring that you want anyway:razz: But I do stuff all the time in the name of logic and later it bites me in the rear-end when I recognize how strongly I feel about it. So you have a choice either stew in your emotions or find a way to abide your logical decision with some compromise. In this situation I would suggest some compromise between your emotions and logic and do exactly what Hudson said, sit back down have a conversation about keeping separate accounts and let him save up for a ring.

And it''s perfectly ok to want public acknowledgment of your relationship. I want the people in my life to know that my SO is the person I chose, the person I want and love. I want a publicly recognized symbol of that. We wouldn''t all run around planning weddings, buying rings and talking about our SO''s if we didn''t want some societal validation. You aren''t being insecure or petty, you are making a statement. This isn''t to say that people who are insecure or petty don''t utilize all the above to validate their silliness, but recognize the difference.

Anyway, my advice with this in mind is to enjoy this really awesome adventure you are embarking on:)
 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
Awww, I feel for you. Congratulations on getting a house together - you''ve already begun your journey together as partners! Would it be possible for him to propose with a simple (silver) band right now, with the intention of upgrading in a few years when you''re able to afford it?
 

DiamondsforDee

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 21, 2008
Messages
138
Aww Lucy that stinks. But I know exactly what you''re going through. I twice made the decision to push off getting engaged. The first time I suggested we put the ring talk on the back burner for a year because FI had just started his first job and I didn''t want us to bite off more than we could chew (good thing too because he hated the job and quit in 6 months and it took him 2 more months to find a new job, which is luckily his dream job). The second time was exactly 1 year later; FI said we needed to focus on either the house or the ring because saving for both would be difficult. I picked the house. We closed on our house 4 months later and then I started to regret not having the ring. It felt so weird and I was wondering if I did everything backwards. But it was my decision both times and I had to live with it. In the end, I''m happy with the way we did things. We did them on our timeline when we were ready in the order that worked best for us. As someone who waited 22 months from when she thought she would get engaged until it actually happened, trust me the time does go quickly. Just get off PS asap.
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Date: 3/25/2009 12:02:22 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Oh hun I'm sorry but I had to LOL

I don't know if you guys are living together right now or not but that's exactly what happens when you move in together. You think, yeah I want to get engaged but I also really want new floors/cabinets/AC unit etc. I used to get so excited thinking about the engagement but when I thought about the money he would have to spend I'd immediately look at my disgusting carpets and think it would be so much better to wake up to tiled floors


I would be honest with him. Tell him that you really want to focus on getting the house but that you also don't want to put the engagement on the back burner. Just let him know that at the time you thought you would be ok with it but now that you were able to digest your own words, you realize that you are looking forward to the engagement just as much as you are purchasing the house. If there is anyone in the world you should be able to have an honest discussion with, it's him right?
Oh, Fiery you are absolutely right! We do live together and it's so hard prioritizing the different things we need/want.

I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it. I'm sure he'll laugh at me but it won't be the first time!
Besides, he probably already knows since the frequency of me showing him pretty settings has quadrupled since we decided to hold off on the engagement!
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Date: 3/25/2009 12:08:43 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I understand how you're feeling, but I'm going to do what you've asked and give you a reality check.

You and your 'bf' are planning a wedding. That means you're ENGAGED, regardless of there being a ring or not.

You and your FI (yes, he is your fiance) have goals you've set for yourselves as a couple, which is fantastic. Really, impressively mature. However, men often have their own goals and most men consider e-rings to be their personal responsibility, not that of the couple's. It's basically one of the last things they have full control over before they have to start getting your input on every dime spent. While you both have a mutual goal of saving for a house, he should have his own savings as well (and you should too). Maybe you should sit him down and have another conversation about the budget. You could pose it as though with the economy you're concerned about job security etc., and you think you should both have emergency funds or funds for a rainy day.
Thanks, Hudson (and tlh). I appreciate the reality check. Both my mom and BF/FI/SO's
grandmom have said the same exact thing and have no problem introducing us as each other's FI. My dad refers to us as partners and my uncle once called him my "fiance friend" whatever that is!

I think we will reevaluate the budget and I'll let him know that he should have some emergency funds and I wouldn't mind if he also started saving for my ring now
and give him that control back.
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Date: 3/25/2009 2:08:57 PM
Author: DiamondsforDee
Aww Lucy that stinks. But I know exactly what you''re going through. I twice made the decision to push off getting engaged. The first time I suggested we put the ring talk on the back burner for a year because FI had just started his first job and I didn''t want us to bite off more than we could chew (good thing too because he hated the job and quit in 6 months and it took him 2 more months to find a new job, which is luckily his dream job). The second time was exactly 1 year later; FI said we needed to focus on either the house or the ring because saving for both would be difficult. I picked the house. We closed on our house 4 months later and then I started to regret not having the ring. It felt so weird and I was wondering if I did everything backwards. But it was my decision both times and I had to live with it. In the end, I''m happy with the way we did things. We did them on our timeline when we were ready in the order that worked best for us. As someone who waited 22 months from when she thought she would get engaged until it actually happened, trust me the time does go quickly. Just get off PS asap.
Diamonds for Dee, I''m so glad I''m not the only person crazy enough to push back an engagement! I''m glad you were happy about the way things worked out! I hope I look back and feel the same way.

You''re so right about being on PS! I need to find a house-buying forum ASAP!!
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Date: 3/25/2009 1:50:45 PM
Author: annadragon
Stop with the passive-aggressive stuff! You''re only going to make him feel guilty for wanting to get you a ring that you want anyway:razz: But I do stuff all the time in the name of logic and later it bites me in the rear-end when I recognize how strongly I feel about it. So you have a choice either stew in your emotions or find a way to abide your logical decision with some compromise. In this situation I would suggest some compromise between your emotions and logic and do exactly what Hudson said, sit back down have a conversation about keeping separate accounts and let him save up for a ring.

And it''s perfectly ok to want public acknowledgment of your relationship. I want the people in my life to know that my SO is the person I chose, the person I want and love. I want a publicly recognized symbol of that. We wouldn''t all run around planning weddings, buying rings and talking about our SO''s if we didn''t want some societal validation. You aren''t being insecure or petty, you are making a statement. This isn''t to say that people who are insecure or petty don''t utilize all the above to validate their silliness, but recognize the difference.

Anyway, my advice with this in mind is to enjoy this really awesome adventure you are embarking on:)
Thanks Annadragon! I think you''re right - a compromise is in order!

Oh, and I''m trying to stop the passive-aggressive stuff. Sometimes I just don''t know where it comes from....
 

lucyandroger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 12, 2008
Messages
1,557
Date: 3/25/2009 1:54:55 PM
Author: kama_s
Awww, I feel for you. Congratulations on getting a house together - you''ve already begun your journey together as partners! Would it be possible for him to propose with a simple (silver) band right now, with the intention of upgrading in a few years when you''re able to afford it?
Thanks for the reply kama. If he did propose now with a simple band, of course I would say yes. But if it were up to me, I would just wait for the real ring because I think with the band, I would still feel like we were in this quasi-engaged state. YKWIM?
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Women change their minds. A lot. You might as well let him know that now. If getting engaged is important to you, then let him know. Just tell him that what you said felt right at the time, but the more that you think about it, being his fiance would mean even more than a huge down payment!
 
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