This is a first..

[MakingTheGrade]

I got a letter in the mail, which is from the maid of honor of an old classmate of mine. Anyways, she''s throwing a "shower from a far" for the bride since the bride isn''t having a local shower (many of her friends are on the opposite coast). The letter assigned me a week, and I''m supposed to send a card sharing some wishes and memories, and a present to the bride during that week.

I can''t tell if this is cute, or a little too forward, lol. I don''t really know what to do because we weren''t really that close (the bride is much closer with my fiance), I''ve never even met her fiance. Oh, and I was assigned the week right after my own honeymoon, lol.

 

[lala2332]

i like the idea of sending a card with memories/ best wishes. Asking you to send a gift....not as wild about that idea. Since my friends are flung coast to coast as well, I know I would appreciate the thoughfulness of the cards and I think they would appreciate the low cost support!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Personally I think it''s a little forward and I''ve never heard of the practice. I would just send a card with well wishes. Like you said, you''ll have just gotten back from your honeymoon. Its not like you''re going to be rolling in dough right after your wedding.

 

[swingirl]

It''s quite rude! A gift is ALWAYS optional. I know a lot of brides nowadays think it''s their right but a gift should never be requested, especially if there isn''t even a shower happening. It''s unfortunate that you are the one made to feel awkward. I would send a note back saying you will not be attending this event and best wishes to all involved. Honestly, you can''t have a "virtual" shower just to get presents!

 

[decodelighted]

Send a letter back with details about when you''d like your rightful plate of refreshments & party favors sent to YOU.

 

[ice-queen]

I actually have heard of this- google "long distance shower" and you will find more info. It is for someone whose friends/family are all far away, and therefore can''t have a traditional shower. While it''s a nice idea (sort of), I think it''s also ridiculous. I mean, I know all showers are about the gifts...but this kind of shower is really ALL ABOUT THE GIFTS. At least at a regular shower, the guests get to attend a nice little party, have lunch, etc...

If I received an "invitation" like this, I would be taken aback...but I would probably participate just to be nice.

 

[doodle]

Nope, don''t like it. I guess my biggest beef with it is that, with a traditional bridal shower, you have the option to not attend if you don''t want to, whereas with this kind of shower, the "invitation" assumes your willingness to participate regardless of whether it''s your wish to do so. I would politely decline.

 

[SassyB]

Date: 6/22/2009 4:13:50 PM
Author: decodelighted
Send a letter back with details about when you''d like your rightful plate of refreshments & party favors sent to YOU.

Yeah, where''s my cake? hee hee!!!

I like part of the idea....
I supposed I''d probably do the card/memories thing. If we were not that close I''d skip the actual gift. A close friend I''d def get a gift for.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I think I"d understand if I was closer to the bride to be, but I haven't really ever known her on a personal level, we haven't even talked since graduation, except a few times when she asked for some wedding pointers when she first got engaged.

Would it be weird of me to hand this off to my fiance? He is definitely closer to her and knows her better, but would it be weird to have a guy participate in this "shower"? The letter mentions "us ladies" a lot, so I feel like this is a female event. Haha, this is assuming he even will do anything about this card, he hasn't even picked out groomsmen presents, and our wedding is 40 days away.

To be fair, they said to please send the card (it came with the letter), and that gifts are nice too, but it then went on to give suggestions for presents and how she hopes the bride will feel loved from the surprise packages, so it's kind of insinuated...

The bride doesn't know about this, it's a surprise. But I can't help wonder what she would think if she read this letter. She's kind of an etiquette conscious person, I bet she'd be mortified that her maid of honor was being so forward about asking for presents.

 

[doodle]

Yeah, that makes me feel badly for the bride. I know I would''ve been horrified if my bridal party did something like this for me! If they were just asking you to send a card, it would be a really sweet idea, but the specifically mentioning gifts, IMO, just makes it tacky. That isn''t the bride''s fault, though...hmm...I would at least send a card from yourself--you don''t have to know her well to write a thoughtful note wishing her and her FI a happy future. The gift part of it, on the other hand...yeah...still don''t think I could do it, haha!

 

[ms.halo]

I think this is a really sweet, cute idea. However, it should be reserved for very close friends and family only. Just my .2

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/22/2009 4:49:14 PM
Author: doodle
Yeah, that makes me feel badly for the bride. I know I would''ve been horrified if my bridal party did something like this for me! If they were just asking you to send a card, it would be a really sweet idea, but the specifically mentioning gifts, IMO, just makes it tacky. That isn''t the bride''s fault, though...hmm...I would at least send a card from yourself--you don''t have to know her well to write a thoughtful note wishing her and her FI a happy future. The gift part of it, on the other hand...yeah...still don''t think I could do it, haha!

What''s funny/unfortunate, is that this little packet is kind of sloppily put together, in contrast to the bride''s very elegant invitations and save the dates. It had a letter of explanation, a post-it with the date I was assigned, and a small piece of printer paper that has the address on it that was cut asymmetrically with scissors. Lol. I mean, I totally get that the maid of honor means well, and she''s totally sweet for planning this for her friend, it just feels so random and out of synch with my impression of the bride-to-be.

 

[meresal]

Nice gesture... very poor execution. I don't like that she automatically assumes everyone will participate.

Here's my question though, if the shower were in your town and you were invited, would you attend and take a gift?
If so, then I think I would at least send a card. Also, being that you are just getting back from your Honeymoon, what if you sent the gift from both you and your SO. "From: MTG and DH" and make it honeymoon related, depending on where they are going.
Ex. "We just got back from our honeymoon, and hope that you and bridegroom have an amazing time as well!!" Then send them a cute set of towles that say "Bride" and "Groom" or something like that.
If they aren't going to a beach or something tropical, then maybe just a cute set of luggage tags that say "Mr." and "Mrs.".

It's inexpensive, but still a nice gesture.

ETA: If you need to, leave it with family or a friend, already with postage, and ask them to drop it in the mail while you and FI are away.

 

[SassyB]

Date: 6/22/2009 5:01:20 PM
Author: meresal
Nice gesture... very poor execution. I don''t like that she automatically assumes everyone will participate.

Here''s my question though, if the shower were in your town and you were invited, would you attend and take a gift?
If so, then I think I would at least send a card. Also, being that you are just getting back from your Honeymoon, what if you sent the gift from both you and your SO. ''From: MTG and DH'' and make it honeymoon related, depending on where they are going.
Ex. ''We just got back from our honeymoon, and hope that you and bridegroom have an amazing time as well!!'' Then send them a cute set of towles that say ''Bride'' and ''Groom'' or something like that.
If they aren''t going to a beach or something tropical, then maybe just a cute set of luggage tags that say ''Mr.'' and ''Mrs.''.

It''s inexpensive, but still a nice gesture.

ETA: If you need to, leave it with family or a friend, already with postage, and ask them to drop it in the mail while you and FI are away.

Good points!
ooh, and I love this idea!!!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I'm pretty sure I'll send something, maybe even a little souvenir from our honeymoon destination if appropriate. Though to be perfectly honest, I probably won't have gone if this was in-town. Like I said, she's really more fiance's friend than mine. We've never really talked. I'm guessing her maid of honor just sent these out to all the female guests that were invited.

I was just a little taken aback at being assigned a date and everything, lol. It's the first I've heard of this, and I thought it was kind of novel and a little strange. But I understand the gesture and thought behind it. I'm not having a shower for similar reasons (my friends are scattered, and I feel bad asking them to make the trip, and both my bridesmaids aren't really the shower-throwing type and they're both really busy, thanks goodness because if they did this to me I'd be so embarrassed).

 

[LilyKat]

Asking for a letter or card? Fine. Asking for a present? Nooooo.

The MOH sounds like a teensy bit of a control freak, but her heart is probably in the right place. If you and your fiance have a nice memory of the bride to share, send a card. If not, quietly ignore it. And no need for anything remotely resembling a present.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly? It doesn''t bother me. Usually I''m not a big fan of people telling me to bring a gift...but I know personally if I were going to a shower, I''d get the bride something--so why is this any different?

I think it''s wonderful you''re being included...clearly the bride thinks enough of you to put you on "the list". It''s also considerate that they aren''t having a traditional shower and expecting anyone to travel for it, it''s very considerate IMO. I think this long distance thing is a nice compromise.

And, not to be rude, but I don''t think the fact that you''re just back from your honeymoon should be an excuse to not participate. You can easily pick up something small and affordable in your travels between now and then--even if it is something generic like a Target giftcard that can be slipped inside a standard envelope, have it wrapped and ready to go...pop it in the mail sometime during your assigned week and don''t give it another thought. It won''t take more than an 3o minutes altogether.

Whenever I feel "put out" by others expectations of me, esspecially when it comes to a wedding, I try really hard to remember my own. I remember my excitement when opening my gifts, I remember how close I felt to that person in that moment--like, wow this person really thought of me, how nice is that, and how I still remember them every time I use my gift. It''s just a nice feeling over all, and I love paying that feeling forward during my friends, semi-friends, and family on their happy occasions.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/22/2009 6:35:37 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Honestly? It doesn't bother me. Usually I'm not a big fan of people telling me to bring a gift...but I know personally if I were going to a shower, I'd get the bride something--so why is this any different?
I think it's wonderful you're being included...clearly the bride thinks enough of you to put you on 'the list'.

Well, like I said, I probably wouldn't have gone to her shower if she had it locally (unless my fiance went) because we aren't close. I'm more her friend's fiance, than her close friend. We haven't really shared any memories together, so I don't really know what I'd write other than "Congrats".

And the bride didn't put me on this list (she doesn't know about this list), her maid of honor did. And since we don't know each other, I'm guessing "the list" is the list of female guests that were invited to the wedding (and I'm in part on the list because she's close with my fiance, and she couldn't exactly invite him and not me).

Like someone said earlier, it's a little weird because it's not like I can decline the invitation to attend the shower. I've been assigned a date in which to send something, it's kind of like being told that I HAVE to go to, and it'd be nice if I brought a present.

I'll probably send something anyways because it sounds like this is set up so the bride gets a steady stream of mail (hence the assigned dates), I'd hate to be the one to break the chain and make her feel bad. I think part of why it feels awkward is that I wasn't planning to attend her shower even if she had one, and so the letter threw me off with it's presumption.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I''ve been to the weddings and showers of the women my DH''s knows socially and also people he works with. To me it makes no difference. If that person is important to my DH, then he/she is important to me. I do the right thing in this sort of situation because I know it means a lot to my DH, he has a sort of pride in me because I''m showing up for him by showing up for them, if that makes sense.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/22/2009 4:41:15 PM
Author: SassyB

I like part of the idea....

I supposed I''d probably do the card/memories thing. If we were not that close I''d skip the actual gift. A close friend I''d def get a gift for.

The gift is the easy part, I can''t think of anything to write! I don''t have many memories of her that are particularly poignant or touching, I hope my card doesn''t sound too trite compared to the others.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/22/2009 7:06:26 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I've been to the weddings and showers of the women my DH's knows socially and also people he works with. To me it makes no difference. If that person is important to my DH, then he/she is important to me. I do the right thing in this sort of situation because I know it means a lot to my DH, he has a sort of pride in me because I'm showing up for him by showing up for them, if that makes sense.

So you wouldn't find it strange if you got a letter in the mail telling you to send a present to your fiance's coworker on a certain date? I guess I just surprise easy.

I'm not offended or anything, I just find it kind of strange. I've just never heard of this situation, lol.

It's also kind of funny that neither of us are going to the other's wedding since they are only a month apart and on opposite sides of the country.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/22/2009 3:58:11 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Personally I think it''s a little forward and I''ve never heard of the practice. I would just send a card with well wishes. Like you said, you''ll have just gotten back from your honeymoon. Its not like you''re going to be rolling in dough right after your wedding.

Haha, I''m a student, so I won''t be rolling in dough for quite awhile. Good thing I''m getting married

(Just kidding! Although he does save me from living off of ramen noodles)

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/22/2009 7:13:45 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade

Date: 6/22/2009 7:06:26 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I''ve been to the weddings and showers of the women my DH''s knows socially and also people he works with. To me it makes no difference. If that person is important to my DH, then he/she is important to me. I do the right thing in this sort of situation because I know it means a lot to my DH, he has a sort of pride in me because I''m showing up for him by showing up for them, if that makes sense.

So you wouldn''t find it strange if you got a letter in the mail telling you to send a present to your fiance''s coworker on a certain date? I guess I just surprise easy.

I''m not offended or anything, I just find it kind of strange. I''ve just never heard of this situation, lol.

It''s also kind of funny that neither of us are going to the other''s wedding since they are only a month apart and on opposite sides of the country.

Honestly? No. But, I''m not one to find much strange when it comes to weddings. People celebrate and plan in different ways. It would be different, maybe, if I were assigned a certain gift to give or something more "structuredzx ". I have been invited to showers for some of my DH''s coworkers daughters...and I do for them the same as I would do for a semi-friend, which means I spend modestly and try to get as much bang for my buck as possible.

As you said, the bride probably doesn''t know anything about this. So even though, in your opinion, it was bold -- why should the bride be the one to lose out? I''m sure she''s already feeling like she''s getting "less" then a typical bride because she''s not (to her knowledge) even having a shower. I''m not saying you''re "punishing" her for her friends lack of couth, but even if you do something small it speaks of your character.

 

[honey22]

As strange as it is, the idea came from a good place, I am sure the MOH was trying to be nice for the bride. I would send a small, inexpensive gift and be done with it. Easier than avoiding the discomfort of sending nothing I think.