Things were going SO well...now this!

[sk8rjen]

Hey ladies (and gents)....I''m back to the real world again after a week at Adult Nationals (figure skating competition)

So the week before I left town, we got some settings sent to us to look at (from Mavilo)....liked their prices a *lot* and found an eternity band I liked, so the plan was to go the custom route, building onto the band (so we already have a matching band essentially). Well, BF was happy with the prices and all things were set on go. But instead of just buying a setting, we''re having one built which means having the diamond. We don''t yet, which brings me to the dilemma:

Prices have been going up and BF is in NO hurry to rush the diamond buying. For some readon it was OK to spend on the setting, but now that we need the rock, it''s all brakes!! Naturally I can''t ask Mavilo to just sit on this indefinitely, plus they may have already sized the matching band. They''re really nice, so we''ll see what strings I can pull there. But the big suck is that he isn''t ready to push forward with the diamond buying. He already decided he liked the pear better than the oval (and since i was undecided, it seemed like the 1 decision he could make

), but now he''s "not sure" He wants some guarantee that we''re gonna work out.

I told him of course there are no guarantees, but if we really love each other this much (and we do) we''ll work through our issues when they come up. It''s just that I never intended to live with him indefinitely without being married, it just seemed like the most logical step to take before getting married since I have kids. Now I am starting to question that --- and it''s because he seems so unsure if "we''re gonna make it." I have to admit, I was all KINDS of stressed out about last weeks skating competition --- I haven''t competed in years -- I have been coaching for 3 years, but haven''t been in front of judges like this for at least 10 years, so I was rattled. And he was luke-warm supportive b/c I got kinda mean while we were away (I expected more of him, and he expected more respect -- I get that). Part of my attitude also is because I thought he was going to propose back in December, and I feel like I''ve been left waiting ever since and it''s beginnning to get to me.

Sorry I''m rambling. I hope this isn''t too confusing. It''s just that 2 weeks ago I had a couple diffent ring settings on my fingers, discussing designs etc with his full participation, and now I am totally wondering if I should move us out and find out what he *really* wants. And then to me that sounds like an ultimatum (get engaged to me or break up). Not my intention. We love each other so much but I feel like we are at an impasse and his attitude is that getting engaged will not improve anything.

Anyone else having issues with this? Is it just my insecurities speaking?? I gave him so many reasons in the beginning not to date me (divorced, 3 kids, older, etc etc) and he never left. Now he''s not leaving, but not moving forward either. I''m in such a funk. Sorry to throw all this on you ladies, but I''d appreciate any pinions you all have.

Thanks!!!

jen

 

[momothree]

Ok, I''m not a great person with relationship advice so I won''t even try except to say that it sounds like are handling the situation logically and you should try not to think about the "ring thing" until you can work through the issues. My main reason for writing is to give you a great BIG congratulations for making it to such a huge competition. You should be very proud of yourself. And of course you were stressed by it -- who wouldn''t be?

 

[sk8rjen]

Thanks momothree!! It was especially exciting for me because I was competing with a longtime student of mine (I''ve been coaching for 13 years, not 3--bad editing!) and we competed in ice-dance. I was a freestylist as a competitor, so it really was all-new for me. Anxiety just tears me up -- and unfortunately, those closest to me!

On the way to Dallas lask week, my BF was talking about what music we''d play at our reception when we come back (we''re -- well at least we were-- planning a Hawaii wedding). I guess that sort of explains why I''m so freaked out by his lack of faith in us lately. Anyway, thanks again
jen

 

[ladykemma]

but there are no guarantees in life. in AA they say just don''t drink for today. after a while you have 20 years of sobriety. same goes for marriage. one day at a time.

sounds like serious couples counseling is in order.

 

[firebirdgold]

Has he actually said he''s not sure you guys are going to make it? Or are you intuiting that from his sudden balkiness at buying the diamond?

BTW, Congrats on Competing again!

 

[sk8rjen]

Wren, he actually has said he wasn''t "ready" yet (which I know is common for guys), he was confused about some things about us and couldn''t explain what or why. He has said he doesn''t *want to feel* like he''s not sure if we''ll work. So I guess it was implying, but he wouldn''t have said that if he wasn''t already questioning it. And he''s told me he can''t say anything I want to hear to make me feel better, but he loves me.

Some quick history -- you know he''s younger (25) and I''ve been married before, BUT, I''m also his first serious relationship *ever.* He''s a solitary guy who changed his entire lifestyle when he met me. And yes I was his first-first.(sorry if TMI, but it''s relevant) So of course I question if he''s starting to wonder if there''s more out there he needs to explore, maybe something better out there than me. This is part of what I meant when I said I''d given him many reasons in the past not to get too serious (at first) but you know, he went with it and we both got attached and now here we are.

LadyKemma, thanks for your reply, too. Couples therapy actually would help a lot in our case, but I don''t know that I could get him to comply. He really seems to think nothing''s wrong and I need to just be patient. I''m seeing it as more serious than that.

But overall, what was hard was already making plans for a future, and now he balks. Cold feet? 1st-love doomed not to work? I''m 32 and feel that I am logical about things in general, but my heart has control of this one!

I think I said it earlier, but if I didn''t, I just have to say --- when we moved in, the engagement was implied and expected quickly (not the wedding --long-engagment style) The moving in was the huge commitment. I have kids involved and he took all of that very seriously. I think it would be smarter for my boys to know that he and I are actually planning to get married, and sadly I am one of those who is now regretting moving in together, b/c now he has the darned cow. But I actually love living with him and can''t imagine him not being here.

Thanks again, and I''d still love to hear from anyone else who''s had even the most innocent tiffs over the growing impatience of a boyfriend not proposing (when you thought he was going to).

jen

 

[marvel]

Hi sk8r, Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm in a similiar situatiion, but I don't live with b/f, thank god! I have a beautiful ring. We've been together three years, and I'm startig to feel like, I want a home and a family, no more of this b/f - g/f stuff any more. The ring was a nice gesture, but it's time for the real deal. Our relationship is actually off right now because of the needs that I have. I've been patient. I think three years is plenty of time for him to make a decision if he wants to move the relationship further, or not. I'm so glad we never moved in together. Since I have a daughter, I mad a conscienence decision before I met anybody that I was not going to move in with anybody without being married. If that means being alone, so be it.

The truth is, men miss us when we're not there. Here's my two cents and I hope it doesn't sound harsh. First buy the book, Mars and Venus on a Date and buy Getting To I Do (Patricia Allen). I also think you should move out. Moving out doesn't mean that you won't get married either. It's not an ultimatium. It's you taking care of yourself and your kids. Not waiting for him to make up his mind. He can do that while you are living your life. I know this is all easier said then done.

I can keep yaking, but I'll stop.

Best to you.
~M~

 

[ilovesparkles]

Well I do not have a bunch of good advice to offer but I do have this tidbit similar. My BF and I are planning our future together and then out of the blue will throw in comments like yeah if we make it or if it all works out or something along those lines like yours did. It drives me absolutely up the wall nuts and I just want to scream and explode!

He rationalizes that although we plan everything and we love each other and bla bla bla something one day might just happen.

No something one day might happen

Shit happens (sorry for the language) thats part of the whole for better or for worse bit. But you don''t go around saying I love you I want to marry you for the rest of my life but something might happen in 5 years. OY, ok I have to stop rambling, I guess my point is that I understand that feeling. And if you are anything like me, I hear it and go ballistic, its not something to be saying because he now has doubts but just as a realitic future you know. More of a stripping the ideas of your future of their candy coating perhaps. Hope that helps a little, although I am not even sure it makes sense.... Good luck! And I hope all turns out for the best!

Amanda

 

[sumbride]

I feel like I''ve been where you are... It''s the whole "calculated risk" concept. My BF is an accountant... very risk averse. It takes him a LONG time to make decisions... even little ones, but especially big life changing ones. While it may seem easy to you to take the next step since he''s taken all these others, I bet he doesn''t see it that way. He has to be comfortable with each risk he takes... not seeing it as "I''ve taken all these others and they were ok" but more "but what if THIS is the wrong one..."

He''ll come around, and probably sooner, rather than later. In order for you to still be around when he gets there, you need to sort of step back a bit for your own sanity... I certainly don''t think you should move out because that uncertainty is bad for the kids, but I do think you should put yourself first and not focus on him or the relationship for now. Once you do that, he''s likely to notice and wonder where you "went" since you aren''t focusing on it.... and it will make him think of what it was like when you did... and it will help him get where you want him to be.

The Mars & Venus in relationships is good because it talks about the stages of a relationship... how you can''t move forward until you''re both in the same stage, and how you have to sometimes go back a stage to get the other to move forward. I belive in this and have done it myself with success. I was about to do it again last weekend until he picked up on it and reassured me we were in the same place. I was thrilled to hear it, but was surprised that he was so intuitive when I obviously couldn''t figure out what he was thinking.

It''s going to be ok. For the meantime, spend more time on the ice!

 

[AmberWaves]

Hi Sk8, I''m sorry you''re going through this. I think that while he may be thinking, "If this is it, am I okay with that?" which can be expected from a guy who is in his situation. While I agree he really should quit the whole mixed messages thing (I hate that!!

), you should sit down with him and talk this out. Tell him your feelings, your concerns, and give him the reasons why you''re considering these things. Maybe he''s thinking of your children as well. He wouldn''t want to promise something he is afraid won''t work out the way you both were hoping. I don''t think this is bad, I think that if that is what he''s doing, he''s actually being very considerate. Your situation is different from a few of the other LIWs, he not only has you to disappoint, but your 3 children also. That''s a lot of pressure for a man, not even counting he''s 25, and you''re his first. Just talk to him. Find out what is scaring him about this next step, and tell him that moving in together was a done assuming certain things. From what you''ve said, he didn''t enter into this situation lightly. He took it seriously, and maybe spent a great deal of thought on that move as well. Remember he has a lot riding on this marriage, too. He''s committed this far, I think he''s just taking it slower because he realized the possible problems that could arise if he doesn''t think it through. I''m not trying to be on his side, but I think he''s just thinking of the future. This one step affects 5 people, not just the regular two. He doesn''t want to hurt your children in any way. Again, talk to him.

Good luck!!

 

[sk8rjen]

Thanks for all of your comments, guys. I really did not think I was alone on this one, but I can let something spin out of control (like most of us) if I let it, and I guess this just made me hit a breaking point, of sorts. Anyway, since I posted this, we''ve had two really tearful conversations (wish I could keep my emotions in better check), but he has let me know that he *does* want the future with me and the boys and he doesn''t want time alone to think about it (I thought maybe a few days at a friend''s house would be a good alternative to moving/not moving out)....he actually said he thinks *I''m* the one with the doubts since I''ve always been the one to shine the light on certain issues (A big mistake, in hindsight, but sometimes I think it''s best to enter things with eyes wide open-- plus I guess I always wanted him to tell me we could get past anything).

SOOOO, I will definitely step back from things a bit, like Sumbride suggested, and try to not pressure him -- he knows where I stand now, after this morning (talked about a lot you mentioned, Amber).

Marvel--I thanks you for your comments and I hope things work out for you and your BF. 3 years is a long time to have had the ring! The only reason I don''t want to move out is actually because of the boys -- they have a close relationship with him, and even if it were short-term, I don''t need them to have any more confusion in their lives. But I will definitely check out the books -- I''ve heard this from a few of you now!

Amanda, men are just frustrating, aren''t they??

Thanks everyone -- today is his off day so I''m in "stealth" mose and I better get out of here before he gets curious Talk to you later,
jen

 

[Caribou]

He's 25, how much older are you than him? Not that is matters, I'm just really curious. I'm 33 (34 in 7 days

) and my FI is 26. How long have you been together, move intogether etc (sorry if you already answered that).

It concerns me that he even says or insinuates 'what if we don't make it'....obviously he's not ready for some thing like marriage, but then I wonder why he is even ring shopping. Also, he was okay with moving in together but seems to have put the brakes on after that? Men!

I think you really need to find out what his issues are? Can they be worked out? You really need to take care of yourself and your kids...

ETA: I see now that you've answer the age question. Sorry.

ETA (again): Sorry I should read through this...sounds like you have things settled. Good luck to you!

 

[AlliBaba]

"Wren, he actually has said he wasn''t "ready" yet (which I know is common for guys), he was confused about some things about us and couldn''t explain what or why. "

If he''s saying that, that is what he means (at least in my experience). The worst thing to do is let it drive you crazy and obsess about it and eventually drive him away (I know, I''ve done it before). Best to let him figure things out himself. I would say forget about the ring- you don''t want another element complicating the situation.

That said, the guy I was with 6 years ago (for a duration of 2 years) STILL hasn''t figured it out with his current 3-year girlfriend, and says he still will not get married. Sometime it''s a waiting game; if you enjoy passing the journey with him, keep going!

 

[icekid]

jen- I don''t have any advice to add (the LIW girls are fantastic!), but thought I would say hi b/c I am a figure skater too. hence.. the "icekid" which actually has nothing to do with diamonds, hehe. I don''t skate much anymore, b/c med school had more or less consumed my life!

 

[sk8rjen]

Caribou -- It''s nice to know someone else out there with the same age difference working out Since you asked, his "issues" definitely can be worked out -- we had a nice night tonight (my ex has the kids on the 2 nights a week I work, so my bf and I sort-of have date-nights when I get off the ice)...he mentioned that he was "ready before and he didn''t see why (he) couldn''t be ready again," and that it''s always been in the plan. I think I sped things up finding PS and being disappointed with our local jeweler. Still, he''s quiet (unlike me) and keeps some stuff to himself, which I''m not always used to. ugh. We''ve been together only a year and 4 months and have lived together for 8 of those months. I know that''s rather quick for some of you who''ve been waiting a long time, but for me it''s more about the implied message when we moved in together (getting engaged soon)...

Alli -- I *do* obsess when something seems off, even a little, whether it''s at work or home. It''s no secret that I''m not the most secure person in the world (in some respects) -- especially after a failed marriage -- so I tend to analyze everything. Tonight was normal, even better, actually, so I guess he heard me and is thinking about it. Your ex sounds like many guys I''ve known -- I wonder what his current GF thinks!

Icekid-- hello! Good to know another skater here. I don''t know how to send personal messages yet, but if you do, let me know what you''ve done, when , and what region you were in. Good luck with med school -- that''s a lot better than the zillions of cold hours I still spend at the rink And you''re right --- the ladies here ARE great.

Thanks to you all!

jen

 

[meepcat]

I''m wondering what his past experiences were surrounding the idea of buying a diamond (it has some symbolism, perhaps?) and getting married. But I also would venture to guess that he''s telling you his fears, which are normal, but he''s probably not used to the emotional work. Budgeting a large amount of money for a diamond shows real commitment. Like going to school, you''re paying for something which may yield an unexpected result (like disengagement, which was my experience in 2001).

You''re also getting to know each other better, by asking those hard questions. But I don''t think you should hold back on your feelings -- if he feels pressured, that will uncover his own insecurities. If you''re excited, he should have some perspective on that, and realize that someone who loves him dearly, is EXCITED about this ring experience, which some folks take for granted. Money can bring out the worst in people sometimes, and even more so, bring out the truth.