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Things have been hard - in the process of selling a house…starting to think about a separation

CMN

CMN

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 2, 2018
Messages
782
Hi All,

I guess I am just reaching out as I am at a bit of a low point. Married for 10+ years. We have purchased a house, due to move in early November, and are currently in the process of selling our first townhouse. Things are really stressful. My husband criticised how I was dealing with our real estate agent and questions about a potential purchasers capacity to afford our property…this has blown up into a big fight. I am a bit sick of him questioning/criticising my opinion on key decisions - it has started to become a pattern. This has all just triggered me to start to think about whether we are at the end of the road and should separate. I don’t know if I can bring myself to use the word ‘divorce’. He has gone to stay at a hotel.
 
So sorry to hear it, CMN. It just sucks when things aren’t going well with ones SO.

My husband and I reached that point once years ago and a few sessions with a marriage counselor did wonders, showing us how to communicate better etc.

Fwiw, ymmv etc.
 
Sorry you are going through this. Hope things get better soon. Hugs
 
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Sorry to hear about you going through a rough patch, I hope the dark cloud will move away for the sun to shine again soon enough.

DK :wavey: (hugs)
 
I'm sorry to hear about your situation @CMN . I know it may be difficult right now but I'd encourage finding a good marriage
counselor where you can each discuss what you're feeling in a safe space. You (the collective you) have a lot on your plate right now
and the stress may be causing the lack of civility in your conversations.

Wishing the best for you and your spouse.
 
Sorry.

+1 to counseling - therapy!
 
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I’m so sorry. Moving is very stressful and if there are any weak points in the relationship they can pop out during stressful events. I highly recommend the Gottman book seven principles of a highly successful marriage. We read it our first year of marriage and it was a game changer. Best wishes and gentle hugs

And if that doesn’t work I second the counseling advice
 
HI:


Awwww....moving ranks up there on the list of big stressors. I agree on seeking a professional to talk to--you'd be amazed what clarity can be realized.

Take care!!!

kind regards--Sharon
 
I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad and stressed. Moving, buying/selling your home and major renovations are huge marriage stressors! Even "strong" marriages can suffer bumps and bruises through these major life events. Don't give up, read the book @missy recommended and try to give both you and your husband some space. Also try to remember why you and your husband fell in love in the first place and be gentle towards one another during this time. Phrasing questions/concerns so that they don't come across as an attack on one's character is so vitally important for both of you. Try to be calm and respectful, keep your thoughts clear and your words non acusatory. I know it is hard, but a good marriage is worth saving. Take care, try to get a good nights sleep. ((hugs))
 
Thank you so much to everybody who has responded so far... This forum is so special.
 
I’ll be the voice of dissent and tell you just to cut your losses and get out. No kids? Good.
In 9+ years I’m sure the criticisms didn’t just begin and become a problem. Take a good long look at where you are now vs where you want to be. Can you get there with him?
 
as others have said moving and buying and selling a house is very stressful
dont give up just yet
hang in there a bit longer
 
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CMN said:
Thank you @missy and @finerthings. I have purchased the book and just started reading it.
Click to expand...

Make sure your dh reads it as well. Preferable to read at the same time and do the exercises. I hope it helps you as much as it did us.
 
....
monarch64 said:
I’ll be the voice of dissent and tell you just to cut your losses and get out. No kids? Good.
In 9+ years I’m sure the criticisms didn’t just begin and become a problem. Take a good long look at where you are now vs where you want to be. Can you get there with him?
Click to expand...

Definitely a good point to consider. I don't know CMN's situation but not all marriages are worth saving! I mean, there's got to at least be enough there to work with. :)
-------------------------------------------------------

Personally, I found it very helpful to study and both agree to go by the rules of fair fighting. After growing up in a family of yellers, it truly was news to me! If both sincerely agree to it and refer to it when in a disagreement, it can help keep communication much calmer and more positive, whether as-is or modified.

For ex. for us personally, going to stay at a hotel would be out of bounds. For us, one person leaving the house overnight because they're mad is too extreme and leaves the other partner feeling rather traumatized, wondering if they're even coming back etc. So our rule is you can go in a bedroom and shut the door and must be left alone, but no leaving. But that's just us. (And, of course, adhering to ground rules for disagreements keeps the emotion level down anyway so it's not as likely either would feel the need to storm out of the house).

 
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seaurchin said:
I don't know CMN's situation but not all marriages are worth saving! I mean, there's got to at least be enough there to work with.
Click to expand...

This is very true. @CMN seems to feel belittled in her opinions and seems to think it's a pattern so I guess she needs to figure out if that pattern can be changed. Sometimes it's personality and the other person can't or won't change.

@CMN you should first have a conversation with your spouse and see if they recognize how they are speaking to you and then agree that they want to change. I think for marriage counseling to work, both people want to make it work. you need to figure out if you both do. Otherwise, you may just be prolonging things that may never be fixed.
 
Moving IS stressful and I totally understand it's a point that can exacerbate differences between you. :eek-2:I also think sometimes uncertainty or feeling a loss of control brings out the worst in us! Perhaps your husband is feeling this way and is communicating this badly (or unable to admit it). Suggest sit down and try to address the root of the issue in a gentle reasonable way. After 10 years of marriage, he must trust you with crucial decisions and if he has inputs - he needs to find a positive way to add that to the discussion - not just criticism. After lessons learnt from my divorce - this is my mantra "WE ARE A TEAM". Fight the problem together, not each other.
 
I know I have an unpopular opinion but when things have evolved to this state, I think it's best to divorce. I think marriages can be easy if you're with the right person. By the time people get to counseling, I think the marriage is over. Of course, there are some exceptions but I think you sound like you're over. (((Hugs)))
 
I'm sorry to hear this, CMN. I hope the book is helpful and you can find some relief from the stress. Sending you hugs and wishes that you'll find the best course of action for yourself.
 
I think it's normal for marriages to have high points and low points with "regular" stretches in between, or something like that.

What to do in the low points imo depends on how low and how often it's low and of course the overall picture. Like are there high points and nice calm regular stretches too or is it all pretty much lows? Also the particulars and if they can be fixed.

I've been married for decades and we almost split up during our lowest point. I am so glad we stuck it out and gave MC a chance because I'd have missed out on so much loveliness otherwise.

I don't know enough about OP's situation to really have an opinion but that's how I visualize the overall picture, personally. JMO FWIW etc.
 
seaurchin said:
I think it's normal for marriages to have high points and low points with "regular" stretches in between, or something like that.

What to do in the low points imo depends on how low and how often it's low and of course the overall picture. Like are there high points and nice calm regular stretches too or is it all pretty much lows? Also the particulars and if they can be fixed.

I've been married for decades and we almost split up during our lowest point. I am so glad we stuck it out and gave MC a chance because I'd have missed out on so much loveliness otherwise.

I don't know enough about OP's situation to really have an opinion but that's how I visualize the overall picture, personally. JMO FWIW etc.
Click to expand...

Agree with this.

Married 15 years. Had some very tough periods - and bad behaviour on both sides where we each felt we were very much the wronged party. But I am glad we both persisted as we now have a content, stable home for our happy children and a good partnership and companionship with many common interests and mutually enjoyable times.

It doesn’t actually take two people to make changes - or at least start the change. I found individual counselling extremely helpful and when I changed the way I was interacting and behaving my husbands responses naturally changed for the better. It started a virtuous circle impact.

Of course everyone’s circumstances are unique but that’s my own experience.
 
we are not married but we have been together for 25 years
we had some rough pathches, buying a house was one of them, but the actual horrific move was kind of bonding, somehow we survived
 
Hi All,

Thank you for your continued support. It’s has been a difficult year, since early February, for reasons I won’t go into at this point, which has resulted in us making this move and which is a significant upgrade for us. It is fair to say we have been under an unusual extended period of stress. On the whole I would say our relationship is very good, we are normally thick as thieves, although the criticism to which I refer did appear to me to be slowly developing this year. Which is why what I perceived as criticism going to the core of my character was devastating to me.

We ended up hashing it out yesterday, a combination of a fight with yelling (on my part)/discussion. My husband admitted that he had made a mistake, realised that he had jumped to a wrong conclusion not knowing the full context (and not reading emails containing some of that context) and shouldn’t have said what he did. He has asked me to take back over primarily dealing with the real estate agent. Whilst I am still hurst and this has taken a toll, I believe his apology and that we can move forward. I do however think we probably need to work on our relationship a bit. It has been neglected this year and I can see if we don’t do something we are potentially going down a not great path.
 
I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. We’ve had rough patches too. We finally ended up in counseling. It was a specialized type of couple’s counseling called “EFT for couples.” It is known as one of the most proven methods for couple’s counseling.

It helped us.

I don’t believe a marriage is over just because you’re going to counseling. I believe marriages actually need tune ups in counseling once in a while because they hit rough spots.
 
Glad to hear you’re feeling better about the situation @CMN .

Moving is SO hard, let alone selling and buying homes along with it.

The Gottmann book suggested (and really anything Gottmann Institute) is very helpful. I found that even if you’re the only one who ends up reading it and doing the work, it can be very beneficial in other and/or future relationships. Just good skills to learn, and excellent perspectives on how we behave within relationships.

Marriage can be such a wonderful thing and I would never try to dissuade anyone from continuing to work on theirs. I really loved a lot of things about it. I hope things for you either smooth out and develop into a stronger union, or at some point you can peacefully move forward in a different direction. There is no right or wrong answer, at the end of the day you will do what works best for you. Sending positive thoughts for the both of you to get through the closing processes and get moved into your new place all in one piece!
 
Best wishes @CMN I’m sure it will all work out.

When my husband was younger and we we’re buying property he would get slightly trying/difficult, and we would debate the situation - I would do a pros & con list which settled issues and/or stress.

We have been together for 25 years and I love & adore my husband, he is my ‘knight in shining armour’. Marriage is not easy but it’s worth every minute if you work together.
 
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I’ve been through a similar situation, having been with my partner for over a decade.The stress from buying a new home led to some serious conflicts... We reached out to specialists and we're good now. Getting any kind of support can make a big difference. Take care.
 
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Wishing you all the best, peace and serenity.
 
Divorce is a huge step.
Firstly couples counselling.
Maybe he isn’t aware how his negativity is impacting you. Has he left you to deal with the real estate agent and potential buyers alone? Is he adding his unwelcome 5 cents worth from the outside looking in ?
Stress rarely brings out the best in anyone and let’s face it the whole world has gone through a few rough years what with Covid, the economics, wars and unrest in lots of places.
Men aren’t reknown for their excellent communication skills. Has he other issues weighing him down - work ? Family ? Getting older ?
Are you feeling overwhelmed and therefore more sensitive? Are you secretly annoyed and feel you are making more of a contribution than he is ?
If you have grown apart it is time to reengage. If you are growing in different directions it’s time to reassess and see if the differences can be managed / compromised or if it’s a gulf 10 miles wide and growing by the day.
So talk it out. Hear his side, his issues, his concerns and have him equally hear yours and hopefully there is middle ground and understanding so you can move forward together and not further apart,
 
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