Home The Working Moms Life/Balance Thread

[vizsla]

i envy those women who are able to work part-time or work from home (eliminating a commute).

it seems so silly to be counting up every min. i.e. if i only worked 15 mins from home that would give me an extra hour with DS each day.

i have a struggle about being financially responsible for our family (DH is starting his own business) AND being responsible for our health insurance. my company is referred to as having ''golden handcuffs''. this makes it difficult to find another job that #1 pays as much as i make here and #2 provides the same level of benefits.

most of the time it just makes me angry at DH. we never fully discussed that i would be responsible for the majority of the income and always carrying the insurance. i think he just ''assumed'' i would b/c i''ve been with the same company for 7 years. i feel like i have to be the responsible adult and he has the freedom to do what he pleases b/c i provide a huge safety net.

i know that is not REALLY the way our situation is, but that''s the way i feel. it''s caused quite the riff b/t DH and i as of late. i CAN find part-time work that would keep me close to home AND allow me to spend more time with DS weekly. BUT part-time = lower income and no benefits. and DH isn''t willing to change his working style to pick up that slack.

it also makes me angry b/c i never saw myself as the family ''breadwinner''. nor do i feel comfortable with that responsibility. i think if DH was a SAHD things might feel differently b/c at least i would know that DS was with one parent all day instead of being at daycare.

i''d be interested to hear from those ladies who either are HOH or who''s husbands are SAHD - and their perspective on work/life balance etc.

 

[NovemberBride]

Viz,

I guess I am HOH because I make more than 2x what DH makes and we could not live on his salary alone (based on our current lifestyle, mortgage, etc. as well as our personal savings goals). We could however, live on my salary alone quite easily. However, DH is not really interested in being a stay-at-home dad, and to be fair, he recently got a large raise and his salary will continue to rise. But for now, we need my salary to stay where it is. And yes, while it''s not fair or rational, sometimes I am angry with DH about it. Although I personally do not want to be a SAHM mom, I know I don''t really have the option to be one without drastically changing our lifestyle.

I feel a lot of stress due to being financially responsible for my family - if I lose my job (which is actually a when, not an if due to bankruptcy), I''ll need to find another job that pays close to what I am making now or we''ll have to drastically change our lifestyle. On top of all the stress of being a working mom, it is a lot to deal with, so I really feel for you. I never gave much thought to whether I''d be the main breadwinner, I always sort of imagined DH and I would make about the same amount of money. I was really fortunate to get some great opportunities and am making a lot more than I imagined I would at this point in my life- but there is definitely the issue of the golden handcuffs. We could certainly downsize a lot of things in our life (smaller house, fewer vacations, I could cut back on bling and my designer purse and shoe habit). To be honest though, I am not really inclined to do so, so I just try to deal with the pressure as much as I can. If you feel like the stress is getting to be too much, would it be an option for you to cut back on some of these types of things so that you could take a job that pays less?

 

[vizsla]

exactly nov- i never thought i''d be fortunate to make what i am making at this age, BUT i also never thought i would be the ''breadwinner'' - i thought it would be much more balanced in what DH and i contributed. another caveat is that since DH has decided to start his own business his income has actually gone DOWN over the past 2 years. and again, never a discussion because mine has gone up to compensate.

we don''t live high on the hog. we have a modest house - ikea furniture

with some new pieces (how does anyone afford ''real'' furniture??? it''s soo expensive). we do have decent cars (DH has a giant $$ truck for work) and don''t live paycheck to paycheck while still contributing to college funds/savings/investments etc. so it''s not like we are living lavishly or buying a lot of ''extras'' - we are comfortable.

i guess the stress of being a working mom is one thing, and being a working mom who doesn''t have the option NOT to work is something else, and being a working mom who is responsible for the well being of the family is another big issue.

i''m working on finding something better but it takes time, and each week that passes - i feel like i''ve either missed out on something with DS or haven''t provided him enough ''mommy'' time.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 4/23/2010 11:46:21 AM
Author: vizsla
exactly nov- i never thought i''d be fortunate to make what i am making at this age, BUT i also never thought i would be the ''breadwinner'' - i thought it would be much more balanced in what DH and i contributed. another caveat is that since DH has decided to start his own business his income has actually gone DOWN over the past 2 years. and again, never a discussion because mine has gone up to compensate.

we don''t live high on the hog. we have a modest house - ikea furniture

with some new pieces (how does anyone afford ''real'' furniture??? it''s soo expensive). we do have decent cars (DH has a giant $$ truck for work) and don''t live paycheck to paycheck while still contributing to college funds/savings/investments etc. so it''s not like we are living lavishly or buying a lot of ''extras'' - we are comfortable.

i guess the stress of being a working mom is one thing, and being a working mom who doesn''t have the option NOT to work is something else, and being a working mom who is responsible for the well being of the family is another big issue.

i''m working on finding something better but it takes time, and each week that passes - i feel like i''ve either missed out on something with DS or haven''t provided him enough ''mommy'' time.

This is so true. I have to work, there is no other choice unless we want to go back to living with DH''s parents and our marriage would not withstand that. It is so stressful. When I went part-time I lost all of my benefits - vacation time, sick time and health insurance. Luckily for us DH''s work offers health insurance so we''re all on that. That''s not to say that I didn''t know that would happen. There were other factors that went into me going part-time, but it''s too long of a story to post here and, honestly, I''m still a little ticked at my boss about it more than a year later.

Siblings are another thing too. Because of my DVT and everything that goes along with that another pregnancy would be considered high-risk for me, and my son was pre-term so we''re probably looking a bedrest. I am not covered by FMLA and since I have no vacation/sick time bedrest could very well mean me losing my job. Obviously that would not be a good thing. I want to have another baby, but I don''t know if it is practical at this point. Ugh. It makes me sad too to think that DS will be all alone someday and that he won''t have a built-in playmate.

We live very modestly compared to most people I know, and especially compared to other PS''ers. We haven''t been on a vacation since our honeymoon almost 5 years ago and my husband is the only one with a retirement plan option at work. DH laughs when I tell him we''re working poor, but it''s basically true. We save money here and there and don''t have a lot of debt besides our mortgage so I guess we''re doing okay in my book.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Viz and November''s point about the stress of being a breadwinner is just so true. One of the reasons I will go back to work when I finish school next month is that I don''t want DH to have to be financially responsible for three people. It''s just too stressful in this climate. Well, I would find it stressful, so I can''t expect him to do it and feel good about that.

He has a job that is about as secure as they get these days, but that''s not to say it''s impossible he could find himself out of work. For us, the family time is so precious because we do have to balance it with work and I don''t want him to be anxious and not enjoying that time because of the weight of responsibility on him. I can cope with being poor, I have done in the past. I cope less well with uncertainty and general ''what if...'' sort of anxiety.

That said, DH has an awesome retirement plan and could stop working in just a few more years. He''s saved most of his adult life with the intention of retiring at 40. While that didn''t happen (he didn''t want to when the time came) I know he''s getting less inclined to do his fairly stressful job and more inclined to think about easing out of it. I could totally see him as SAHD and his income would be only a little less than it is at the moment.

It''s certainly a less traditional route to finding work life balance, but maybe we could swing it in a few more years. I still have some career ambitions, while DH has pretty much achieved his and now it''s just more of the same for him.

Sha, I''m totally jealous that DH and DD can meet up for lunch! I plan to join them as much as possible over the summer.

 

[curlygirl]

janine, I'm still in the thick of it with a 3 year old and an 18 month old but it definitely has been getting easier. The first few months were rough and the only thing that saved my sanity was that I continued to send Lily to daycare while I was home on maternity leave with Lucy. I just struggled with trying to figure out who this stranger was in my house! She was a new baby and completely different from her sister. Lily would sleep for hours and hours during the day while Lucy was just up and alert for hours and hours. I had a tough time bonding with her but it was probably because of my own hang-ups that I had somehow disturbed the balance in our home and ruined her older sister's life! But once I went back to work and we got into a routine, it got easier. And I think that because I already knew how to take care of a baby, I didn't jump at every sound that Lucy made so she learned to become very self sufficient and independent very quickly. She was holding her own bottle at 4 months, crawling at 6 months and walking at 10 months so I feel like the baby time moved much faster which was sad since I love that period but also good because we were able to move past the cruddy stuff much faster. Now that we have a totally established routine, we just go with it and I don't really think about whether it's easy or hard. It's just life. I guess for me, I had heard such horror stories about having 2 of them so close together so I really, really expected the worst. While it was definitely tough, it wasn't as bad as I imagined. And now, yes, I would say it's definitely easier than in the beginning so at least we have that going for us! Not looking forward to the teen years but I'll cross that bridge when I get there!

Viz, I'm the HOH as well. DH has his own business and definitely does not make as much money as I do. He had insurance through his company but mine was so much better so as soon as we got married, we switched him over to it and now I'm responsible for our whole family. Last year was a horrible year for DH and we had to live solely on my salary for 12 months (yes, I was counting and seething the entire time!). It was really tough on me. I resented him so much because I hated having all of it resting on my shoulders not to mention that I can't really cover it all on my salary and had to tap into my savings. It was STRESSFUL and really put a strain on our marriage but there was nothing we could do about it. It wasn't his fault but I kept tormenting myself with thoughts of my last boyfriend who is now a multimillionaire many times over!

Money does ugly things to relationships but fortunately we endured the storm and he's back up to speed this year so far so I've been much more appreciative. But yeah, it sucks. I'm lucky that I like my job and I'm locked in for at least another 2 years and hopefully longer because we would be screwed without me. I think that's another reason why DH is so understanding when I have work events or need to travel. He knows that I can't let anything slow me down at work if we want to keep this family afloat. It's not the life I had envisioned for myself but I always think that it could be worse.

I guess the thing that makes me different from most of the other women who are struggling with their work/life balance is that I honestly DON'T feel like I'm missing out on anything with my children when I'm not there and don't feel like I need to spend every free moment with them. I know that they are having a blast at daycare and learning much more than they probably would if they were home all day with me! And I know that it makes me a better mother to have the time away from them so I don't go crazy!! Everything I'm doing is for them--working to give them a brighter future and I think that's what keeps me going. I love them and I love being their mother but I also need to have other things in my life to identify with. Again, this is not a judgement or anything like that, I'm simply speaking for myself.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Sort of off topic, but maybe someone could give me a little perspective on a work / parenting situation I''m about to find myself in.

DD is in a pretty awesome creche at DH''s office, as I''ve mentioned. She''s happy there and excited to go. We had to put our names down for a place while I was pregnant, because it''s a small facility and places are like gold dust. I''m going to finish law school next month and it could realistically be a while before I get a job. I don''t want to lose the creche place, but at the same time, it''s going to feel pretty weird being at home, looking for work, while my toddler is in daycare (which we have to pay for, although it is heavily subsidised by DH''s employer).

Do I pull her out of daycare on the assumption it will take a while to find a job, and if so, what do I do about daycare when I do find a job? Am I mad to consider losing this place or am I mad to consider leaving her in daycare when I''m not actually working?

Any thoughts? I need to work in the long run, for a whole lot of reasons, but I''m really struggling with this decision. I could find a job next month or I could end up unemployed for the next year or so.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Curlygirl, we must have been posting at the same time - just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had a tough year. It sounds like you faced some difficult times. I''m glad you made it through.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/23/2010 1:03:12 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Sort of off topic, but maybe someone could give me a little perspective on a work / parenting situation I''m about to find myself in.

DD is in a pretty awesome creche at DH''s office, as I''ve mentioned. She''s happy there and excited to go. We had to put our names down for a place while I was pregnant, because it''s a small facility and places are like gold dust. I''m going to finish law school next month and it could realistically be a while before I get a job. I don''t want to lose the creche place, but at the same time, it''s going to feel pretty weird being at home, looking for work, while my toddler is in daycare (which we have to pay for, although it is heavily subsidised by DH''s employer).

Do I pull her out of daycare on the assumption it will take a while to find a job, and if so, what do I do about daycare when I do find a job? Am I mad to consider losing this place or am I mad to consider leaving her in daycare when I''m not actually working?

Any thoughts? I need to work in the long run, for a whole lot of reasons, but I''m really struggling with this decision. I could find a job next month or I could end up unemployed for the next year or so.

You''re looking for a job...that''s full time work.

I''d set a timeframe and leave her in. Be optimistic. You''ll decide along the way if it''s all working for you.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 4/23/2010 12:56:08 PM
Author: curlygirl

I guess the thing that makes me different from most of the other women who are struggling with their work/life balance is that I honestly DON''T feel like I''m missing out on anything with my children when I''m not there and don''t feel like I need to spend every free moment with them. I know that they are having a blast at daycare and learning much more than they probably would if they were home all day with me! And I know that it makes me a better mother to have the time away from them so I don''t go crazy!! Everything I''m doing is for them--working to give them a brighter future and I think that''s what keeps me going. I love them and I love being their mother but I also need to have other things in my life to identify with. Again, this is not a judgement or anything like that, I''m simply speaking for myself.

I completely agree with this and I feel the same way. Besides needing to work for financial reasons, I like to work and I love my job. I am the type of person who needs to get out of the house and be around adults. I also know that I am providing my son the best life possible. I focus on spending quality time with DS when I am with him and I think that makes me a good mother.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/23/2010 12:56:08 PM
Author: curlygirl
Viz, I''m the HOH as well. DH has his own business and definitely does not make as much money as I do. He had insurance through his company but mine was so much better so as soon as we got married, we switched him over to it and now I''m responsible for our whole family. Last year was a horrible year for DH and we had to live solely on my salary for 12 months (yes, I was counting and seething the entire time!). It was really tough on me. I resented him so much because I hated having all of it resting on my shoulders not to mention that I can''t really cover it all on my salary and had to tap into my savings. It was STRESSFUL and really put a strain on our marriage but there was nothing we could do about it. It wasn''t his fault but I kept tormenting myself with thoughts of my last boyfriend who is now a multimillionaire many times over!

Money does ugly things to relationships but fortunately we endured the storm and he''s back up to speed this year so far so I''ve been much more appreciative. But yeah, it sucks. I''m lucky that I like my job and I''m locked in for at least another 2 years and hopefully longer because we would be screwed without me. I think that''s another reason why DH is so understanding when I have work events or need to travel. He knows that I can''t let anything slow me down at work if we want to keep this family afloat. It''s not the life I had envisioned for myself but I always think that it could be worse.

I guess the thing that makes me different from most of the other women who are struggling with their work/life balance is that I honestly DON''T feel like I''m missing out on anything with my children when I''m not there and don''t feel like I need to spend every free moment with them. I know that they are having a blast at daycare and learning much more than they probably would if they were home all day with me! And I know that it makes me a better mother to have the time away from them so I don''t go crazy!! Everything I''m doing is for them--working to give them a brighter future and I think that''s what keeps me going. I love them and I love being their mother but I also need to have other things in my life to identify with. Again, this is not a judgement or anything like that, I''m simply speaking for myself.

Curly, I''m so sorry you had a tough year. I totally relate to what you said though (but when do I not?

)

I''m the breadwinner in our family too. I simply do not have a choice to be a SAHM, and at first this kind of bothered me. Not that I WANTED to stay at home (although right before I got off maternity leave, I would have probably done it if given the option because it made me physically ill to think of anyone else caring for my baby). I irrationally resented my situation...I wanted to be married to a rich man so I could truly DECIDE to be a career woman (because I do like being a working woman!)

TGuy has a great work ethic, but he''d prefer to not be working. One time he got laid off and while he was concerned, BOY did he enjoy it. And I wanted him too, but then thought: wow, he''s really enjoying going out golfing a fair bit! He pulled his weight around the house too, but I am just more efficient at some things than him and scoured the job listings for him (and eventually encourage him to apply for the job he has now). You know how they say behind every great man is a great woman? At the risk of sounding arrogant...well, I have no doubt that in my house, I''m the glue that holds sh*t together.

And I''m Curly in that somehow, I don''t feel like I''m missing out. Amelia loves people and can get sick of me! She learns new words for everyone else and I can''t wait until a slot at preschool opens up so I can put her in and face all the fun and frustration that comes with that.

Even though I don''t have a choice when it comes to doing what I''m doing, I feel very good and fortunate that Amelia was born into THIS family. She has two parents who adore her and work hard for her. Our home is the gateway to her future, and I want to make her short time here the best it can be. How lucky are we all!

 

[Shoopy]

Viz, I''m HOH as well (which apparently gave me a huge tax benefit this year LOL!!!

)

My biggest struggle is as you described. If work gets stressful, I have to push through it. I don''t have the option to SAH at all. However, I set myself up that way. My mom was a SAHM for all of my childhood. It''s what she wanted to be and my dad loved that he was able to provide for the home enough so that my mom could raise my two brothers and me. But then my dad was diagnosed with Cancer and he passed away at the age of 36. My mom was left alone to raise 3 children. She only had a high school diploma, had been a SAHM for 13 years (she had little jobs here and there when I went to school), and didn''t know how to drive. Her family didn''t have the means to help her out financially and my dad''s family didn''t want to help so she had to work 3 jobs and learn how to drive ASAP. She beat it into me how important it was that I never be in that position and at a young age told me that I had to make a good path for myself for my future children (I was like 14 when we had this conversation lol). Anyway, that''s how I''ve structured my life...always thinking about being able to take care of myself and my future children if anything should ever happen to my husband. And now I''m proud that when/if FI is unemployed, Sophia will not suffer because of it. She''ll still have everything she needs (and I can still throw some cash at my investment aka Carter''s

)

Re: feeling like you miss out

I think that feeling won''t ever go away unless you do get to stay home. I was really bitter when Sophia would get to any small milestone and I would "miss" it. But then I changed my attitude about it. The way I see it is that if she''s reaching these milestones it''s because throughout the day she''s feeling comfortable, confident, happy, and is having fun. I can''t ask for a better way for her to spend her time away from me

.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/23/2010 1:21:26 PM
Author: fiery
Viz, I''m HOH as well (which apparently gave me a huge tax benefit this year LOL!!!

)

My biggest struggle is as you described. If work gets stressful, I have to push through it. I don''t have the option to SAH at all. However, I set myself up that way. My mom was a SAHM for all of my childhood. It''s what she wanted to be and my dad loved that he was able to provide for the home enough so that my mom could raise my two brothers and me. But then my dad was diagnosed with Cancer and he passed away at the age of 36. My mom was left alone to raise 3 children. She only had a high school diploma, had been a SAHM for 13 years (she had little jobs here and there when I went to school), and didn''t know how to drive. Her family didn''t have the means to help her out financially and my dad''s family didn''t want to help so she had to work 3 jobs and learn how to drive ASAP. She beat it into me how important it was that I never be in that position and at a young age told me that I had to make a good path for myself for my future children (I was like 14 when we had this conversation lol). Anyway, that''s how I''ve structured my life...always thinking about being able to take care of myself and my future children if anything should ever happen to my husband. And now I''m proud that when/if FI is unemployed, Sophia will not suffer because of it. She''ll still have everything she needs (and I can still throw some cash at my investment aka Carter''s

)

Re: feeling like you miss out

I think that feeling won''t ever go away unless you do get to stay home. I was really bitter when Sophia would get to any small milestone and I would ''miss'' it. But then I changed my attitude about it. The way I see it is that if she''s reaching these milestones it''s because throughout the day she''s feeling comfortable, confident, happy, and is having fun. I can''t ask for a better way for her to spend her time away from me

.

Fiery, you wanna know what sucks? I work from home so I thought missing the milestones would not really be an issue. But unless you''re around the kid all the time, they can still be missed! I took Amelia for a few months on and off to physical therapy (she had a bit time pronated foot and just was slow on the mobile front). I came home, did all the exercises, blah blah blah. Well one day, my nanny was tidying up and found my little paper talking about what kind of exercises to do. She did them just for fun and at that INSTANT Amelia started walking. I heard commotion and clapping going on downstairs and my nanny called for me. I came down and she proudly showed me the paper and told me she followed instructions and Amelia was walking.

I was so happy, but part of me just really wanted to cry. For weeks, MONTHS, I had done what I was supposed to do. And the stinker decides to take her first steps with the nanny. And when I say steps, I mean STEPS because this kid loves to hold back, but when she decided she was gonna go, she walked across the room. I have video of it, and to this day, it''s bittersweet.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 4/23/2010 1:10:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/23/2010 1:03:12 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Sort of off topic, but maybe someone could give me a little perspective on a work / parenting situation I''m about to find myself in.

DD is in a pretty awesome creche at DH''s office, as I''ve mentioned. She''s happy there and excited to go. We had to put our names down for a place while I was pregnant, because it''s a small facility and places are like gold dust. I''m going to finish law school next month and it could realistically be a while before I get a job. I don''t want to lose the creche place, but at the same time, it''s going to feel pretty weird being at home, looking for work, while my toddler is in daycare (which we have to pay for, although it is heavily subsidised by DH''s employer).

Do I pull her out of daycare on the assumption it will take a while to find a job, and if so, what do I do about daycare when I do find a job? Am I mad to consider losing this place or am I mad to consider leaving her in daycare when I''m not actually working?

Any thoughts? I need to work in the long run, for a whole lot of reasons, but I''m really struggling with this decision. I could find a job next month or I could end up unemployed for the next year or so.

You''re looking for a job...that''s full time work.

I''d set a timeframe and leave her in. Be optimistic. You''ll decide along the way if it''s all working for you.

I think logically that you''re absolutely right. Emotionally, I suspect it will be a gut wrenching trauma to pack her off to daycare when I''m going to be at home.

I''ve got lucky so far, because I haven''t missed a milestone yet. It''s pretty much coincidence, but I''ve always been the one who saw all the firsts. Luck of the draw, I suspect. DH was really sad about missing the first time she said "where''s daddy?" until I pointed out it would be something of a worry developmentally if she said that while he was in the freakin room. (Lovely man, but not always the sharpest...)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/23/2010 1:45:37 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

I think logically that you''re absolutely right. Emotionally, I suspect it will be a gut wrenching trauma to pack her off to daycare when I''m going to be at home.

I''ve got lucky so far, because I haven''t missed a milestone yet. It''s pretty much coincidence, but I''ve always been the one who saw all the firsts. Luck of the draw, I suspect. DH was really sad about missing the first time she said ''where''s daddy?'' until I pointed out it would be something of a worry developmentally if she said that while he was in the freakin room. (Lovely man, but not always the sharpest...)

LOL...you are a funny lady...

And it will be tough at first...but ahhhhhhhhhhh the time you''ll have for yourself (to look for work, ahem, of course!)

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 4/23/2010 1:49:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/23/2010 1:45:37 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

I think logically that you''re absolutely right. Emotionally, I suspect it will be a gut wrenching trauma to pack her off to daycare when I''m going to be at home.

I''ve got lucky so far, because I haven''t missed a milestone yet. It''s pretty much coincidence, but I''ve always been the one who saw all the firsts. Luck of the draw, I suspect. DH was really sad about missing the first time she said ''where''s daddy?'' until I pointed out it would be something of a worry developmentally if she said that while he was in the freakin room. (Lovely man, but not always the sharpest...)

LOL...you are a funny lady...

And it will be tough at first...but ahhhhhhhhhhh the time you''ll have for yourself (to look for work, ahem, of course!)

Aye, it will be one long slog from morning to night. Not a single manicure or massage will happen. No novels will be read. No handmade chocolates will be created. No hours will be spend in a hammock (actually that last one is probably true since I live in the wettest corner of a damp country...)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/23/2010 2:14:00 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 4/23/2010 1:49:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/23/2010 1:45:37 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

I think logically that you''re absolutely right. Emotionally, I suspect it will be a gut wrenching trauma to pack her off to daycare when I''m going to be at home.

I''ve got lucky so far, because I haven''t missed a milestone yet. It''s pretty much coincidence, but I''ve always been the one who saw all the firsts. Luck of the draw, I suspect. DH was really sad about missing the first time she said ''where''s daddy?'' until I pointed out it would be something of a worry developmentally if she said that while he was in the freakin room. (Lovely man, but not always the sharpest...)

LOL...you are a funny lady...

And it will be tough at first...but ahhhhhhhhhhh the time you''ll have for yourself (to look for work, ahem, of course!)

Aye, it will be one long slog from morning to night. Not a single manicure or massage will happen. No novels will be read. No handmade chocolates will be created. No hours will be spend in a hammock (actually that last one is probably true since I live in the wettest corner of a damp country...)

My goodness...you work SO hard, what a shame none of those things will happen. Such is the life of a career woman. Perhaps you can tell your husband this and he can give you a massage at the end of your day which included none of these things.

 

[janinegirly]

Gosh it is so interesting to hear everyone''s experiences, and thank you for the honesty! DH and I make around the same money so I guess I should be thankful but that also means we don''t necessarily each make enough to carry the family so I also find myself resentful at times. Because I still feel like as the mom, I should be home at least more than him and sometimes I don''t think he gets how much I sacrifice in order to contribute and hold my own. So it''s interesting reading that others have similar stories or even more on their shoulders (I can''t imagine how I''d feel if I was also HOH). Around me, I have many friends who are SAHM''s or actually just stay at home wives. And it does make me a bit jealous I admit.

I do enjoy working and I like the buzz I get from being on top of my game (which I will inevitably lose once home full time), but I just hate that I HAVE to, you know? So I try to find an exit plan so at least I can have something to work towards. I''m the kind of person that has hard time seeing 18 years out but also needs a motivating factor or else I just get into a funk and start wanting to quit!

Anyway no real point to this post other than to say thank you to you all for being so honest. We all have alot on our plates.
I''m glad alot of the DH''s are understanding, I think it''s when they are not or take it for granted is when resentment can creep in.

 

[janinegirly]

So on the childcare topic, I''ve learned of an in-home daycare that is one town over. I found out about it through a fellow working mom who is also in finance in NYC. I guess I feel like I can trust her judgment. Anyway, her littlest has been there since 3 months and she says he loves it. The provider takes up to 5 kids (ages 3 mo''s to 3 years) and has openings. I am considering 2 days a week once C is 2 years and that way maybe my mom can cut her piece down to 2 days (seeing how it looks like work will not give me another day at home).

Is this crazy or risky? This is all through an accredited organization etc., but still it''s at someone''s home who is not family. I guess the benefits are it''s at a home environment, my friend''s child is there and it is far cheaper ($200 a month vs $700 a month for 2 days a week.

Regular daycare is an option too but then is much more rigid with pick up times (or else you get charged) and I just am nervous about how C would adapt having been home for this long. Anyway, at least I have still 5 months to figure it all out.

 

[vizsla]

curly i really enjoyed reading your post. thank you.

i was trying to dissect the point for point reasons i feel the way i do so that i could change them - and stop resenting DH - and hopefully be happier about my 'new' life.

it went something like #1 - disliking the pressure of being HOH. i could support family on my own, but the family could not function w/out *me*. i had hoped that DH would contribute equally so that if something should happen to me we would be OK.
#2 disliking my commute (1.5 hrs total)
#3 disliking my job

/ hours spent at job.

my round about thought process was that if i could carve out more time each day by eliminating my working hours and my commuting hours, it would provide more daily time with DS (right now i have about an hour in the morning and an hour at night) - and then i could regain some of the "me" things i liked to do without feeling guilty about being away from him.

i wonder if it gets easier when they are older? right now DS is 6 months old.. and it KILLS me when i leave for 11+ hours a day. i *know* that i am doing what is best for him and providing him with lots of opportunities and security - but *i* still feel short changed on being a 'mom'.

fiery - sorry to hear about your dad. my mom was a single mom who worked all of the time. i always envied other kids who had a mom (or dad) home when they came home from school. for some reason that really stuck with me. i also was taught to be totally independent and have been so. when i *really* think about my future, i know i will always work outside the home in some capacity, i just wish it didn't have to be full(+) time.

my ultimate goal is to be able to work while DS is in school and meet him when he gets off of the bus. i don't want to show up in the third inning of a baseball game b/c i had to work until 7:00.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 4/23/2010 2:57:03 PM
Author: vizsla

my ultimate goal is to be able to work while DS is in school and meet him when he gets off of the bus. i don''t want to show up in the third inning of a baseball game b/c i had to work until 7:00.

That''s what my mom finally settled into. She hated being a working mom but she found a job working in a school cafeteria. She would go in to work at 7am and worked until 2pm. She was still there in the mornings to make us breakfast and there when we got home. She also had summer off so she was able to take care of us then. She''s been working for the school district for 14 years now and last year she was employee of the year for the district

. It was a little bit easier for her because she was getting veteran''s benefits since my dad was in the Army.

I would love to find a job where I could go in at 7am and leave by 4.

Janine-I know a lot of mom''s where I work that do in-home care and love it as well. Do you think you can pop in and check it out one day?

 

[ChinaCat]

So happy this thread is working!!!!

Janine- I don''t think it sounds risky just b/c it''s in someone''s home. I would definitely check it out, see how you feel about the provider, that sort of thing. Can you "drop by" sort of unannounced and see what''s going on? We have a nanny in our house and if I think too hard about it, could certainly get weirded out. But I do drop by often and have never seen anything that worries me.

Viz- I have been talking to LOTS of working moms this week about everything so I can sort myself out. One woman told me that she actually decided to work more while they are younger, when they don''t really "know" you aren''t there yet, and then cutting back when they are older and want you to pick them up from school and that sort of thing. Another told me about how her son''s school did a questionnaire for their kids and one of the questions was "What is the one thing you are proudest of about your mom?" And his response was something about how she had a good job. So it''s not always a negative impression you are giving your kids by working. I forget that sometimes.

Fiery- What you touched on is something I am also trying to balance. I do want to let go a bit and let DH be more in charge, but I do fear, what if something happens? I don''t want to be stupid and end up unable to support myself or my kid.

A few things I have noticed this week: EVERY mom is having these issues, whether they are full time, part time, work from home, have nannies or do daycare, or even SAHM.

The other thing- the amount of judgment. The SAHM I talk to were very judgy of the moms that worked but also made time for themselves (i.e., let the nanny come at 8 am so the mom could go to the gym before work), while the working moms were very judgy about SAHM not having anything to talk about other than their kids. It drives me crazy. Every working mom told me I really didn''t want to stay home and didn''t want to give up everything I worked for. Every SAHM told me that this time is precious and I would never get it back and I would never regret it.

So I am torn on a lot of fronts. I have a crazy hours-demanding job and it is unsustainable the way it is. I might have the option to do a reduced hours/reduced pay schedule for awhile (have to come up with a proposal, etc first). In the short term, I think this is my only option right now. I am not ready to SAM full time, but I am NOT willing to work all day, nights and most weekends.

But I am leery of the financial aspect- DH makes plenty for us to live on, but I have a great salary and we live very comfortably on both. We can definitely swing it if I make less, but we will have to seriously cut back. I am afraid of DH resenting me for this, or feeling too much pressure. I am afraid of how the power balance will work. I don''t want to have to "answer" to DH about money. I am afraid of giving up the financial freedom that I have.

I noticed I am very envious of women who can simply say "I can''t or don''t want to do this." I am very judgemental of myself about not being able to do it all. I feel like DH married one type of woman and now I might be someone else.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I grew up assuming I''d be the breadwinner since my career goal was to be a physician, and on average they make more than most (though most of it goes towards paying back 200k in debt, lol).

Right now, we''re just living on his salary since I''m still in school, so I guess I could be a SAHM without much of a change, but I just can''t imagine never using my hard-earned education.

We''ll see how it feels when I have my baby in my arms, but I think it would take something drastic for me to never use my M.D. degree to help support my family and help others.

 

[lovelylulu]

Date: 4/23/2010 4:24:35 PM
Author: ChinaCat

I feel like DH married one type of woman and now I might be someone else.

I am really glad that this thread got started and I fully appreciate all of the posts so far - especially the honesty. I am sure that I will have more to add about my specific situation, but being at work

, I am short on posting time.

I did want to quickly respond to China''s last sentence (caveat: I haven''t yet had my baby) - I think that it is impossible to know *before* you have a child exactly what effect that baby will have on your priorities, i.e. "who you are" So far, career has placed pretty high, but where it will fall on that totem poll post-kid is still up in the air. I don''t yet know if I am going to be the kind of mom that will be itching to get back to work or if I am going to dread it with all my might. I won''t know until I''m living it and I imagine even then, my opinion is going to swing around a bit.

Long rambling way of saying that I''m sure your DH understands that these are particularly tricky issues to navigate and likely even empathizes as things maybe are shifting/shifted for him as well.

 

[ChinaCat]

Lulu- Absolutely. You are so right. And DH isn't really that type, so I think it's more *my* fears and insecurities, and frankly, judgements about these things. I am afraid of becoming something I didn't want to be. He seems pretty open-minded about the whole thing, luckily. I secretly thought once I had my baby I would want to stay home, no uncertainty. Everyone told me I would feel that way and I just thought that was the way it goes. But I didn't and I was a little saddened by that. BUT having a baby has also brought up this "mid-life crisis" way of thinking for me (for lack of a better term) and I am really questioning what I REALLY want out of life. It's like now that I have a baby, I suddenly don't want to waste any time doing something I don't want to be doing and instead of thinking "oh someday I want to do x", I really want to make those things happen now. I don't know if it's a life is short/mortality awareness or if it's more of a wow, now that I have a kid I need to be that person I always intended on becoming, but hadn't quite gotten around to it yet. Sometimes it seems like a wake-up call, and sometimes I think I'm being self-indulgent. Like right after you have a baby isn't really the time to be "finding yourself".

But you really won't know how you feel about it until it happens. The best advice I can give you as a mom-in-waiting is to not make any permanent decisions until you see how you feel. And be open-minded and HONEST about how you feel. Pretending I wanted what I wanted before really got me nowhere but miserable and resentful. I have a REALLY hard time admitting at work that my priorities have changed.

ETA: MakingTheGrade- I do think that if one has a "calling" then you might feel differently. I tend to think of most physicians in that category. If it makes you feel better, my OB/GYN is AWESOME- she has FOUR kids and works full time. She just had her fourth right after I had my baby and took TWO WEEKS of mat leave and was back at work. She loves her job, she loves the high energy, does NOT want to stay home and sometimes I want to be her.

I am NOT high energy and could not do what she does. She also is some sort of crazy marathon runner. And didn't even look preggo with her fourth until well into her 3rd trimester. You'd think I should hate her, but really I just want to follow her around and take notes.

 

[janinegirly]

china cat: i can stop by the provider--in fact they said once closer to the time, (around 2 mo's before starting), I can formally request a spot and then they arrange for a visit etc. I should do a drive by when unexpected, that would be interesting!

as for you points, you are right about the judginess on both sides. Everyone wants to think their way is best, that is why threads like this are so valuable b/c there's honesty (and no judging unlike some other threads). In real life I think people find it too difficult to be honest. I think your point about SAHM's having nannies watch so they can have time for themselves is a great one. We all need balance whether we admit it or not!

Still in terms of your situation, I think the fact that you have the option to cut down on hours (and some pay) is a great one! It's the all or none that is difficult. I don't think this shifts power in your relationship or the financial burden b/c you are still taking income in. And btw I know exactly what you're talking about when you say not wanting to answer to DH on money or lose financial freedom. My DH never questions anything, but it's my own personal need for some independence that makes me feel this way. So this is why I plan on saving 1-2 yrs savings before I leave my job since I dont have options for part time.

I also liked how you shared that one mom's experience of cutting down as they got older. I guess that's my plan too. I know every one says that first year is so crucial but to me the later years are since they are so much more aware.

Anyway, currently my biggest struggle is not feeling jealousy over working moms who have days at home. I have one day when I work from home which has been HUGE, but seriously no other moms I know work in an office (in the City) more than 3 days. My one friend just negotiated down to 2 days and she is still full time--just rotates desks with her co-worker. Meanwhile I fought for one year for the one day, and another year for the 2nd and it looks like they are going to deny me that 2nd request and instead give me more work for the same pay. I feel like I'm getting screwed. I have good hours and 6wks vacation and no desire to look around and start all over, but I feel upset that other moms have seemingly more understanding work environments. I hate being stuck commuting 2 hrs each day -- probably my least favorite part of working.

 

[janinegirly]

So I have a bit of dilemmna on my hands, and figured my working mommy friends might be able to chime in.

I have been given an opportunity at work to expand my role. It would not affect my hours, but it would mean more challenging days. It also means I would have to fight to keep 1 day working from home although if I excel I can probably keep it pretty easily. It would lead to promotion, possibly increased pay and definitely increased profile, good on resume,etc. It''s a step in good direciton but means putting some legwork in first.

Alternatively I can turn it down and stay in current role and focus on work-life balance and continue to push for 2 days at home. I''ve been told that if my goal is more days at home, I should not accept the expanded responsiblities.

So I''m torn. My first reaction is..here''s an opportunity for advancement, take it! Especially if I plan on being a SAHM for a couple of years--this would be some sacrifice on the front end to be in a better positiion in a short # of years and then I can potentially be home. But then there is the guilt--I have the option to continue working but with more time with C,etc. and I''m walking away from it?

What would you do?

 

[ChinaCat]

Janine-

Ugh, that''s tough. Before Babies, it''s a no-brainer, right? I guess it depends on what you want long-term. If your only goal is to stay home more, and SAH eventually, then not sure it''s worth the extra pressure. OTOH, if it leads to better pay, that''s always good for saving purposes and also for putting you higher up on the food chain, so to speak, for if/when you want to return to work.

Question: Is the new role interesting to you? Is it something you want to do and would enjoy doing? The good thing is it wouldn''t be MORE hours.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 1:11:11 PM
Author: ChinaCat
Janine-

Ugh, that''s tough. Before Babies, it''s a no-brainer, right? I guess it depends on what you want long-term. If your only goal is to stay home more, and SAH eventually, then not sure it''s worth the extra pressure. OTOH, if it leads to better pay, that''s always good for saving purposes and also for putting you higher up on the food chain, so to speak, for if/when you want to return to work.

Question: Is the new role interesting to you? Is it something you want to do and would enjoy doing? The good thing is it wouldn''t be MORE hours.

Ditto. Where do you want to be 5 years from now?

I think we''re about the same age, so I figure we''re sort of in the same place career wise. We''ve come a long way, but there''s still always room for advancement and really senior positions. I was a big time career woman in my 20''s into my early 30''s. I still enjoy working. What I will say though, is that my drive to climb the corporate ladder has gone poof. 5 years from now, I don''t want to be a VP of anything. I just want to be working for a nice paycheck in a higher role (like I am now) but I don''t want to be in senior management. I want life balance. I want to be able to do my job and focus on my family, even when Amelia is in school. And when she does go to school, I want to be relaxed at work and have a mentally easy job so I can enjoy my life and pursue other hobbies that I didn''t get to try before Amelia was born.

I don''t want to SAH, but i don''t want any more responsibility either. And I''m fine with that. Work and career are no longer tops in my life. Good thing it was in my 20''s, since it made me work my butt off and get me where I am today - comfortable with a good reputation in my industry.

 

[janinegirly]

CC: thanks for chiming in!It's a catch 22..yes more pressure for short term gains. But potential extra $ and better position for re-entering the work force is important too. I am ready for a change so timing is good in that sense Also the the unsaid piece is if I say no it'll actually reflect badly on me. Yes extra day at home would be great, but still not a guarantee and I guess my long term goal is to put myself in best position possible for when I do SAH. Guess I kind of answered my own question. It is tough though since there are competing instincts.
How about you, any more thoughts on your situation?