Home The Working Moms Life/Balance Thread

[ChinaCat]

So there has been much talk in the newborn thread these days about being a working mom. We thought having a separate working moms thread would be a much needed resource.

So whether you are in the midst of balancing kids and work, whether you''ve done it in the past, if you are thinking of kids and wondering how you are going to balance work and kids, then this thread is for you.

This is for you to vent, share your experiences, what works or what doesn''t work, to ask questions, or just find some support.

Clearly this is NOT a thread to debate working moms vs. SAHM moms.

And I do think that being a SAHM is a job, so if you want to use this as a place to discuss how you find balance between taking care of kids and the rest of your life, I think that would be great too.

How do you balance work and kids? How do you find time for yourself? What have you given up and what do you refuse to give up?

 

[TravelingGal]

Nice thread.

In my own life, I can attribute finding a work/life balance to a few things:

- having my mom live close by and having an excellent nanny, and not being afraid to leave my kid alone with them (nanny is more an issue for mothers than using family to help). This is a huge help for sure. I actually don''t use my mom a ton because I feel guilty, but knowing the help is available in a pinch is great.

- early bedtime. I''ve talked about this ad nauseum, but this really helps us. And it is only possible because I work from home and therefore don''t have a commute. I don''t know how moms who have long commutes do it.

With the above two things, we''re able to have date night, or just alone detox time. We easily go out with our own friends (separately) because neither feels bitter about staying back and having to "watch" the kid, because let''s face it...it can be exhausting some days.

That all being said, I''m just more tired and overworked than pre-kid. I do a great job balancing, but I just have less time. I wake up earlier, get the kid going, greet the nanny, start work, end work and take over the kid right away, entertain the kid, feed the kid, put the kid to bed, make dinner, clean up and then and only then have time for myself. Holing up in the office is actually a huge relief and getaway! I feel lucky that I actually have the down time for myself so I don''t complain because I know how lucky I am. And of course, time spent with the kid these days is a lot of fun.

Also a huge factor in the equation is that TGuy does understand he''s also a parent. He''s not a babysitter. I am entitled to have days off and away as much as he is. The working together plays a big part in work life balance because I would NOT be happy if I had to do it all myself. TGuy is also perfectly happy to make dinner once in a while, or order something in. He never demands dinner from me (some of my friend''s hubbies actually do!) and we just play it day by day to see what we''re going to do for dinner.

A lot of pieces go into the puzzle, but if you can make it happen, it really works and is possible. Even though I am generally more tired, I really don''t feel like I''m missing anything in life. You don''t go into having children thinking your life is going to stay the same anyway, so expectations are also key in having a life balance. The house IS messier...I deal with it!!! (and hire a cleaner if necessary!)

 

[Shoopy]

Just a temporary "fiery was here" response while I pump gas

Be back later but was wondering if we could talk morning routine too. We have to be out of the house at 7am. That''s the time that Sophia normally wakes up. I''m torn between letting her sleep as long as possible, change her diaper, and let MIL give her a bottle OR waking her up earlier and feeding her/spend some time together.

Sometimes I think its better to let her sleep but then I think that maybe if I wake her up early, she''ll be more likely to take the morning nap that MIL is having a hard time giving her.

 

[curlygirl]

Some days I''m not really sure how I balance it all but somehow I manage!

We don''t have much help but we do get one night out a week (date night) when MIL comes over to watch the girls. It really, really helps to have that alone time out of the house so DH and I can reconnect and have a real conversation. We try to talk about everything but the kids!

We will also go out once in a while alone with our own friends just to maintain those relationships. Those times are not very regular but they do happen and we both welcome them for ourselves and for each other. We know that we both need a break and should take the opportunity if/when we get it.

We don''t have the advantage of early bedtime because by the time we get home from work, feed the girls, bath, etc. it''s later than most people. They are generally asleep between 8 and 9 which isn''t that late but we''re definitely pretty exhausted by then.

It definitely helps that DH is so hands-on. I get the kids dressed and fed every morning but he takes them to and from daycare every day since his office is closer to it, he makes dinner, cleans and helps with the bath and bedtime routine. I also travel quite a bit for work and he has no problem picking up the slack (with some help from his mother) while I''m gone. I honestly wouldn''t be able to handle both children without him. Well, that''s probably not true, I''m sure I would manage but it''s a huge help to me to have him around. We both know what our roles are without either of us having to spell them out to the other. We just sort of know what our responsibilities are and we both are on auto-pilot for the most part. Without teamwork, we''d probably be pretty miserable.

In terms of work, I absolutely love my job and in all honesty, I like that it gives me a break from mommy land. I''m the senior person in my office so while I have a lot of pressure, I also have a great deal of leeway. I can run errands during the day and do things for myself if necessary (manicures, waxing, etc.). I guess I''m lucky that I have that kind of freedom and can come and go as I please--it definitely helps in the work/life balance. And as I mentioned, I do get to travel a lot for work and I welcome every chance to get away! I definitely miss the girls after a few days but I enjoy getting away to recharge my battery.

Oh yeah, we have a housekeeper once a week too. And that REALLY helps even though I''m anal and still clean up a little bit every day.

All in all, it works even though I''m generally tired and don''t feel like I have any alone time but I keep telling myself that this won''t last forever and I''ll probably miss it when it''s over!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

No kid yet, but DH and I are planning on trying for one starting next winter if all else goes well. We''re aiming to have a baby during my last year of med school, when I will have a lot of down time.

The tricky part will be when I start working as a resident in a hospital with 80+ hour work weeks, and 6am start times with a 1+ hr commute. I''m counting on my DH to be very hands on with the baby since his work schedule is much more flexible (he can work from home since he''s a programmer) and he''s much closer to work.

My parents have also offered/insisted/demanded to help, and we actually bought a house with extra rooms in case the best arrangement is for them to live with us for awhile. I''m an only child and my parents are mostly retired, so I''m a very lucky gal to have such eager and wonderful help! I''d love to hear from other couples who might have had a similar arrangement and how you (or rather your DH) handled it. It''s a pretty normal arrangement for my family, but DH might find it really weird to have my parents living with us short term. I''m hoping he''ll warm to it once he realizes how much work a child is! And how dismal his cooking skills are...

 

[Shoopy]

I''m still working on figuring out the work/life balance but some things I have learned/am in the process of learning:

-Work is work. Home is home. There was a period where I was taking work home with me so that I could get extra time with DD and then taking DD to work on the weekends with me so that I could catch up. Both were disasters. So now when I''m working, I work. When I leave, it doesn''t leave with me.

-I''m working on getting over the guilt, which will probably never go away but I''m slowly getting better. I used to feel guilty over laughing at work because it meant I was having a good time. And I used to feel guilty for getting frustrated with DD because I spent 40 hours+ a week away from her, how could I get frustrated? Now I realize its ok to enjoy work and its ok to have the occasional what the heck are you doing little girl? moments.

-I''m learning what quality means. Before I felt like I had to DO something with her. I needed to take her somewhere in order to feel like she got quality time with me. But she''s a baby. I spent the 10 mins it took me to wash dishes and prepare her bottle peaking my head around the corner and saying "I loves ju!" and she would crack up. Then I''d run to the other side and do the same thing. She doesn''t need a trip to the zoo. She just needs happy time with mom/dad.

As for the home, it''s messy

and it''s ok. I clean on the weekends during DD''s naps. I do laundry once a week.

FI helps out a lot. He does all the cooking so that when I get home I can eat right away. We split bedtime duties. He prepares her bottle while I put her pjs on or the other way around. He also took over her taking her to his mom''s house for three days a week which gives me the chance to get to work on time.

I''ve given up being a night owl. I don''t go out late at night anymore. I turn down invitations. I''m fine with it. I realize I''m much happier being home.

 

[taovandel]

Handling family and work has been a bit easier then I actually thought it would be. Thankfully, I have a wonderful boss and manager who actually gave me the schedule I currently have because I had a baby. I used to work from 10 a.m. (or 12 p.m.) to 8:30 at night with their selection of two days off. Since having the baby I work monday-friday--three of the days I work from 8-4. The other two days I work 12-8.

This schedule has really helped keep me sane. I have time after work to spend with Evan and get some quality time in.

Evan also sleeps in most mornings and we have to wake him up---Fiery, we chose to let him sleep in instead of getting some bonding time in. Just makes for a happier day for him.

My husband has Tuesday/Thursday off so he is home with the baby. He normally picks one day to clean and then I normally take Sunday (one of my days off) to do laundry and clean.

You just have to get into a routine...and it still sucks some days knowing that I am leaving him behind.

But honestly, sometimes I''m happy to head out. I like my job about 90% of the time...I like figuring out issues and designing things and doing paperwork. I''m a nerd. I just wish I could go part time...but the funds just won''t allow for it right now.

 

[ChinaCat]

Great posts! Keep them coming!

Fiery- I think I''d let her sleep. I know it''s hard, but she really needs her sleep and in the long run it''s better for her to get her full nighttime in. I think at the stage our little ones are in, a lot of what we feel is that WE are missing out, but if I''m honest, my son doesn''t really know the difference. I know that will change as I get older. One of the things I am trying to do is be very clear on how/what I''m feeling. And a lot of what I''m feeling is that I''M missing out, but O is totally happy with how things are.

As for morning routine- luckily we have a nanny that comes to us. I already can''t get it together in the morning, it would be way worse if I had to get O ready too. So O gets up at 7 am, either my DH or I get him up and bring him back in bed with us and play. Then around 7:30 I give him a bottle. Then play till nanny gets there at 8. If I''m trying to get to work at a decent time, I will get up at 6:30 and shower before he wakes up.


I''m interested in how much you like/love what you do plays into these answers. For example, it sounds like Curly and TGal and Tao really like what they do. Fiery- not sure how you feel. I know you are great at your job, but not sure if you love it.

My current issue is that I don''t love what I do AND it requires way too many hours. If it was just 9-5, I think it wouldn''t matter so much if I liked it or not. But to do my job right, I should work at least 8-10 hours per day and usually weekends. And that is unacceptable to me.

I am considering doing a reduced hours/flex schedule option, but it would mean a serious pay cut.

I attended a lunch panel today about "work/life balance and balancing parenthood" in my profession today. Not sure it exists.

 

[Sha]

It's definitely more of a work/kids/relationship balancing act than a work/kids juggle alone. Or maybe a work/kids/relationship/'personal time' balancing act...?? Or maybe the 'personal time' doesn't come in at all.

Case in point: It's 10:00 pm.... I came home at 5 pm, picked up my daughter from daycare, did some laundry, entertained her, fed her, cut up some seasonings for dinner, bathed/changed her , fed her again, put her to bed, cooked fish dinner, and am FINALLY getting to sit down for the evening - after 5 hours being home! 10:05 pm - DH calls to be picked up from work, so I have to put my dinner aside to go for him. I've literally had no 'me time' for the afternoon!

,Thankfully, every day isn't like this. The things that've worked for me so far have been:

1) Clear separation between work/family life. NO more bringing work home. Trying to use my time better when I'm at work.

2) Early bedtime! I haven't implemented this fully yet...but I think it'll really help me get some more personal/couple time in. (PS suggestion)

3) Date nights - I haven't done this yet either, but think it will help a lot. (PS suggestion)

4) Doing major house cleaning (dusting, mopping, scrubbing etc) every two weeks instead of every week. General tidying during week I don't do major house cleaning.

5) Focusing on major task per day/week e.g Wednesdays and Saturdays - laundry. Tuesdays and Fridays - cook. Mondays - chill days. etc.

 

[Shoopy]

I used to love my work and was very passionate. I''m still passionate but I''m not into the details anymore. It frustrates me and being a mom adds to the frustration.

I''ve gotten to a point where I can get an assigned audit, meet with that department for a day and by the time the day is over, the audit''s done. I know all of the deficiencies, areas for improvement and come up with value-added recommendations. But I still have to go through the process of creating an audit program, selecting samples, testing, documenting, turning it in for review, clearing review comments like add a tickmark here, and then issue a report with the same exact conclusions I had initially identified.

It''s frustrating. I think that it''s time for me to move on to something more challenging and then it will get easier to be at work away from DD everyday.

 

[janinegirly]

Great thread and happy that there''s a place for working moms to share experiences without dealing with any judginess!

I''m still working on the balance thing--it is tough when you have a demanding job, long commute and only so many hours. I''m managing but will admit some things fall to the way side, namely date nights, time with friends and some "me" time. I''ve learned I can''t make things perfect so I focus on what''s priority.

It''s been a HUGE help to have 1 day at home, have my mother''s help and also very fair hours although the commute eats into that. Ironically my role at work has been expanded which is a fantastic career opportunity, but the last thing I was actually looking for. So it''s times like these I realize you just cannot have it all. Still I try my best to get the most out of these working years without sacrificing too much on the mommy years and for me (and just me) it is also a big motivator to know that the working piece is also so that I can be a SAHM for a couple of years without financial concerns or fear that I left without making sure my career was in an ideal spot for re-entry should I decide to pursue that in the long term.

 

[taovandel]

I should probably say my job isn''t the most demanding job in the world and I''ve been doing it for a while so that makes it easier for me.

 

[snlee]

Great thread! It''s interesting to read about everyone''s experiences.

I am very fortunate to have family close by to help out a lot. My parents watch him 4 days a week and we often stay over for dinner. DH and I get to spend some time playing with our son instead of cooking. This is a huge help.

Early bedtime.

Clean a little less often than I should. Laundry on weekends.

I''m also fortunate to have a fairly short commute and DH and I work very close to each other so we carpool. We spend time with each other in the car and often each lunch with each other. Gives us time to talk to each other and stay connected.

DH is a huge help. He is usually the one who gets our son ready in the mornings. He also help with the bath and bedtime routine, housework, dishes, etc. Honestly, since I''ve been pregnant he''s the one doing most of the housework. I couldn''t do it without him!

We both try our best to not bring work home. Sometimes we''ll check email but we''re usually very good about not working at home on nights and weekends. We both don''t have very demanding jobs, it''s flexible, and we''ve been doing it awhile so it makes it easier. We both work to live, not live to work. Family focus is very high on our list. We''re willing to sacrifice a very successful career for our family. I don''t love my job but I like it. Sometimes I get bored because my job isn''t challenging but I''d rather spend most my energy on my family.

I''d LOVE to work part-time or work from home some days but unfortunately in my position neither is an option.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I honestly found it easier than I''d feared. I stayed home for 14 months though, and I think it would have been much harder if I had been working with a baby under a year old. I find it easier as DD gets older.

Having a routine helps. DH does the morning routine, we share bath and bed routines. I don''t have much of a commute either, which really helps. Having a family friendly employer / school makes a big difference too. I realise that isn''t necessarily something you can control though.

I was never one for going out much, but I still do the things I did before I had a baby, I just wait until she''s gone to bed. I catch up with friends in the evenings maybe once a week, which is fine. I live in a small village quite a way from the nearest city, so nights out have never been too frequent anyway. We try to keep Saturdays as family time and spend time with friends or family on Sundays, to keep some balance and protect some time for the three of us to be together.

Obviously something had to give, since there are only so many hours in the day, and for us, it was housework, laundry, gardening and grocery shopping. We had a twice weekly cleaning service, a gardening service and order groceries online for delivery where possible. The housekeeper left us recently (I found her doing something I really wasn''t happy with) so we''re muddling through until we find a replacement. It''s starting to cause frayed tempers, so we do need to address that. I prefer to spend time with DH and DD when we''re home, rather than one of us doing stuff around the house or garden. We''re out at work / school / creche enough hours during the week that I want our time at home together to be fun. After DD has gone to bed, I like us to have time as a couple, so we can talk and connect.

Overall, our routines aren''t actually all that different to pre-baby. I wonder if that''s because we have one child rather than two or more?

We don''t really have any baby sitters available. Occasionally my friend can help out, but she''s pretty busy so I don''t ask her often. That means that we rarely go out in the evenings as a couple. Because of where we live, we didn''t do that very often pre-baby either though, so it isn''t a huge adjustment.

Our routine in summary is:
DH gets up with DD
I crawl out of bed in time to eat breakfast with them
DH and DD go to work (his office has a creche)
I go to school
DH and DD have lunch together
I come home and prepare dinner
DH and DD come home
We all eat together
DH and I do bath and bed routine
Free time - I sometimes go out/ visit friends or just hang out with DH and a glass of wine, maybe.


It''s really good right now, we have a balance where neither of us gets too tired or feels like we''re doing more than our share of anything. WHen I go back to work rather than law school, it will likely change again though. DH is hoping to go part time at work then.

 

[Sha]

Date: 4/22/2010 6:06:48 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I honestly found it easier than I'd feared. I stayed home for 14 months though, and I think it would have been much harder if I had been working with a baby under a year old. I find it easier as DD gets older.

Having a routine helps. DH does the morning routine, we share bath and bed routines. I don't have much of a commute either, which really helps. Having a family friendly employer / school makes a big difference too. I realise that isn't necessarily something you can control though.

I was never one for going out much, but I still do the things I did before I had a baby, I just wait until she's gone to bed. I catch up with friends in the evenings maybe once a week, which is fine. I live in a small village quite a way from the nearest city, so nights out have never been too frequent anyway. We try to keep Saturdays as family time and spend time with friends or family on Sundays, to keep some balance and protect some time for the three of us to be together.

Obviously something had to give, since there are only so many hours in the day, and for us, it was housework, laundry, gardening and grocery shopping. We had a twice weekly cleaning service, a gardening service and order groceries online for delivery where possible. The housekeeper left us recently (I found her doing something I really wasn't happy with) so we're muddling through until we find a replacement. It's starting to cause frayed tempers, so we do need to address that. I prefer to spend time with DH and DD when we're home, rather than one of us doing stuff around the house or garden. We're out at work / school / creche enough hours during the week that I want our time at home together to be fun. After DD has gone to bed, I like us to have time as a couple, so we can talk and connect.

Overall, our routines aren't actually all that different to pre-baby. I wonder if that's because we have one child rather than two or more?

We don't really have any baby sitters available. Occasionally my friend can help out, but she's pretty busy so I don't ask her often. That means that we rarely go out in the evenings as a couple. Because of where we live, we didn't do that very often pre-baby either though, so it isn't a huge adjustment.

Our routine in summary is:
DH gets up with DD
I crawl out of bed in time to eat breakfast with them
DH and DD go to work (his office has a creche)
I go to school
DH and DD have lunch together
I come home and prepare dinner
DH and DD come home
We all eat together
DH and I do bath and bed routine
Free time - I sometimes go out/ visit friends or just hang out with DH and a glass of wine, maybe.


It's really good right now, we have a balance where neither of us gets too tired or feels like we're doing more than our share of anything. WHen I go back to work rather than law school, it will likely change again though. DH is hoping to go part time at work then.

How nice that your DH and DD get to eat lunch together!

Your and vesper's post reminded me of three things I forgot to mention:

1) My daycare is my next door neighbour so I also get to have lunch with my daughter daily

2) DH does most of the cooking in the house. No way I could've done that plus everything else.

3) My job is very flexible and my boss is very understanding, having two school- age children herself. She's all about work/life balance too, so is great about letting me come in late or take days off when I need to or time to take Dalila to the clinic etc. I also make my own schedule.set my own appoitnments at work. So all in all I have a lot of flexibility, which makes things overall a lot less stressful.

 

[janinegirly]

snlee: what happens on the 5th day (you mentioned your parents watching D 4 days). Isn''t it huge having family watch our LO''s?

I also never bring work home. I mean that''s just natural to me though--I''ve NEVER been all about work.

 

[vizsla]

work/life balance? is this a figment of my imagination?

i had a really *really* hard time going back to work. it''s very far from my house and requires long hours. guilt is an everyday thing - and i feel guilty that i feel guilty.

i try and make work/work and home/home - although i get the stink eye from everyone i work with when i drop everything and leave when the day is done. this is sort of unheard of here. i''m waiting for the day when they bring me into HR to discuss my hours, but until then i''m playing dumb.

my biggest struggle is that since i don''t get much time with DS - when i do have the evening or weekend with him it is ALL about him. i hate making plans with friends that don''t include DS, and "me" time?? is laughable. everyone says i need it, but that also means i''m taking away another 3 or 4 hours DS is with me. i do believe that if i had more time with him during the week i would feel less guilty about taking an hour or two for "me".

amber - you are in quite an interesting situation. i never thought about the problems you would run into bringing baby to work until you spelled them out. i would ''think'' that because you are able to be with DD all day, everyday - you may be more comfortable being away from her in the evenings when DH is home? i totally understand what a blessing it is to have her with you and witness all of her milestones, but how draining it can be to be ''on point'' 24/7. would it be possible to have a family member watch her, say, just on one friday a month while you go to work to get a ''break?''

as for my job - i loved it and it''s pretty sweet all around with fantastic benefits - if i didn''t have a baby that means more to me.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 4/22/2010 9:51:53 AM
Author: vizsla
work/life balance? is this a figment of my imagination?

i had a really *really* hard time going back to work. it''s very far from my house and requires long hours. guilt is an everyday thing - and i feel guilty that i feel guilty.

i try and make work/work and home/home - although i get the stink eye from everyone i work with when i drop everything and leave when the day is done. this is sort of unheard of here. i''m waiting for the day when they bring me into HR to discuss my hours, but until then i''m playing dumb.

my biggest struggle is that since i don''t get much time with DS - when i do have the evening or weekend with him it is ALL about him. i hate making plans with friends that don''t include DS, and ''me'' time?? is laughable. everyone says i need it, but that also means i''m taking away another 3 or 4 hours DS is with me. i do believe that if i had more time with him during the week i would feel less guilty about taking an hour or two for ''me''.

amber - you are in quite an interesting situation. i never thought about the problems you would run into bringing baby to work until you spelled them out. i would ''think'' that because you are able to be with DD all day, everyday - you may be more comfortable being away from her in the evenings when DH is home? i totally understand what a blessing it is to have her with you and witness all of her milestones, but how draining it can be to be ''on point'' 24/7. would it be possible to have a family member watch her, say, just on one friday a month while you go to work to get a ''break?''

as for my job - i loved it and it''s pretty sweet all around with fantastic benefits - if i didn''t have a baby that means more to me.

viz: you raise a good point. I also prioritize all my free time to include DD (after annoying essential errands are done). So that means less time for "me", friends, and sometimes DH. There are only so many hours so you do have to sacrifice somewhere, and hope it''s only temporary while they are tiny or while working full time,etc. I''ve dropped high maintenance friends and eliminated some pampering indulgences--but''s it''s been out of choice. I just would rather better utlize that free time to be with DD since I do not see her 4 days out of the week.

And I do leave work every day at 5pm. On the dot or 4:59. And I really don''t care about stink eye. That''s something I will not compromise and everyone actually has accepted it. My work speaks for itself as it should. Because sitting around pretending to work in order to create the illusion of face time is so absurd to me. Time is valuable!

 

[NovemberBride]

Work/life balance is going better for me than I expected. I think a huge part of it has to do with my job, which has been really flexible. I am allowed to work from home a few days a month, and my hours are also flexible. I basically work 9-5. I make less than I would if I had stayed in my old job, but I still make a very good living and I feel like I still get quality time with my daughter each day (although it''s never enough).

I am an attorney and worked for a huge firm before my current job in-house. I was expected to be available for work at all times. A typical day for me was at work by 9 and home by 9. But there were many, many periods where I''d work till 12 or later for weeks at a time, including weekends. There is no way I could have continued to do that as a parent. I got married October 2007, and upon return from my honeymoon I was staffed on a crazy deal. From the day I returned until December 23rd when the deal closed, I did not have a single day when I did not work at least 12 hours (this includes weekends). Although we were not TTC yet, all I could think about was what if I had a kid - I would have missed the whole Christmas season (visits to Santa, Christmas parties, school pageants, shopping for presents, etc). Although I absolutely loved my job, I knew I would have hated it if I had a kid. I started looking for a new job in January. I made very clear to all the recruiters and people I interviewed with that I was looking for a lifestyle change and I turned down a couple of jobs that did not have flexible working options. It was the best decision of my life. I think if I were trying to balance my old job with being a mom I''d be failing at both miserably.

The sad part is that I work for a real estate finance company that is bankrupt and I''ll have to find a new job within the next year. But I plan to take the same approach I did this time and not take a job until I find the right one.

Two other things that help:

1. I have the best DH ever. He does more than his fair share helping with the baby, cooking and cleaning.

2. We hired a cleaning service, so we can spend our free time with Olivia rather than cleaning.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/22/2010 11:02:14 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 4/22/2010 9:51:53 AM
Author: vizsla
work/life balance? is this a figment of my imagination?

i had a really *really* hard time going back to work. it''s very far from my house and requires long hours. guilt is an everyday thing - and i feel guilty that i feel guilty.

i try and make work/work and home/home - although i get the stink eye from everyone i work with when i drop everything and leave when the day is done. this is sort of unheard of here. i''m waiting for the day when they bring me into HR to discuss my hours, but until then i''m playing dumb.

my biggest struggle is that since i don''t get much time with DS - when i do have the evening or weekend with him it is ALL about him. i hate making plans with friends that don''t include DS, and ''me'' time?? is laughable. everyone says i need it, but that also means i''m taking away another 3 or 4 hours DS is with me. i do believe that if i had more time with him during the week i would feel less guilty about taking an hour or two for ''me''.

amber - you are in quite an interesting situation. i never thought about the problems you would run into bringing baby to work until you spelled them out. i would ''think'' that because you are able to be with DD all day, everyday - you may be more comfortable being away from her in the evenings when DH is home? i totally understand what a blessing it is to have her with you and witness all of her milestones, but how draining it can be to be ''on point'' 24/7. would it be possible to have a family member watch her, say, just on one friday a month while you go to work to get a ''break?''

as for my job - i loved it and it''s pretty sweet all around with fantastic benefits - if i didn''t have a baby that means more to me.

viz: you raise a good point. I also prioritize all my free time to include DD (after annoying essential errands are done). So that means less time for ''me'', friends, and sometimes DH. There are only so many hours so you do have to sacrifice somewhere, and hope it''s only temporary while they are tiny or while working full time,etc. I''ve dropped high maintenance friends and eliminated some pampering indulgences--but''s it''s been out of choice. I just would rather better utlize that free time to be with DD since I do not see her 4 days out of the week.

And I do leave work every day at 5pm. On the dot or 4:59. And I really don''t care about stink eye. That''s something I will not compromise and everyone actually has accepted it. My work speaks for itself as it should. Because sitting around pretending to work in order to create the illusion of face time is so absurd to me. Time is valuable!

That brings up another good point...working at a place (or for a boss) who values family is hugely helpful. Not everyone loves my boss because he is very strict about things, but he and I get along really well and he really believes in family. That means he expects that I bust my butt from 8-5 but he NEVER bothers me off hours, nor does he expect me to work off hours. I do actually work a lot off hours, which I know probably secretly makes him happy, but in turn he always tells me family first and is very encouraging about me taking Amelia to her appointments, etc.

 

[MustangGal]

I''ve been back at work a year now, it''s gone by so fast! I don''t feel guilty, and I don''t take work home. Although after the first couple weeks back, I was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty!

Kyle goes to day care at a home (she''s a SAHM that takes in a few kids). I like the homey feel of it, and in the last year she''s only had to cancel on us twice, once because she was in the hospital, the other when she had strep throat. We have no family in the area, so we don''t get any regular breaks from the kid, but when family visits or we go see them we take some time away. I think for us at least, we spend so much time at work away from the baby that we aren''t itching as much to go out in the evenings.

Like Tgal, early bedtime is the best thing ever! He''s down at 7-7:30pm, and sleeps until 6am. That gives us time to watch a movie, talk, etc.

We both have pretty flexible jobs, I work 7:30am-4pm, DH does 5am-2:30pm, so I drop off Kyle, and DH picks him up, then he''s not at daycare for 10+ hours. My company give us 4 weeks of PTO, so I''ve not had to feel too bad staying home a few days here and there with a sick kid. And our commutes aren''t horrible either, I work 15 minutes form the babysitter, 20 minutes from home, and DH is 30 minutes.

My one bone of contention with DH about our schedule is Friday. He''s off Friday-Saturday, but the daycare charges a weekly rate, so 4 or 5 days is the same cost. DH leave Kyle at daycare on Fridays to get some off time for his projects, etc. I''ve also made him agree to do some chores on Friday to make up for not spending time with his son. He has to vacuum and mop the house, and sometimes a few other small chores. I still don''t like it, but it seems to be working for now.

I also like the company I''m working with, we have great benefits, and I''ve moved up twice since returning to work.

 

[MustangGal]

I do have a question for the moms of 2+ kids. Does it get much harder with 2? That''s one of my biggest fears about having another baby. Things are nicely balanced with us now, will it all topple over if we add another baby to the mix?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/22/2010 11:14:14 AM
Author: MustangGal
I do have a question for the moms of 2+ kids. Does it get much harder with 2? That''s one of my biggest fears about having another baby. Things are nicely balanced with us now, will it all topple over if we add another baby to the mix?

I hear that the real work begins with two. It was enough to strike terror in my heart and make me decide to have only one. Hats off to all the moms with two kids. I can''t IMAGINE and know I am absolutely incapable of happily managing two children.

 

[MustangGal]

Date: 4/22/2010 12:22:40 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/22/2010 11:14:14 AM
Author: MustangGal
I do have a question for the moms of 2+ kids. Does it get much harder with 2? That''s one of my biggest fears about having another baby. Things are nicely balanced with us now, will it all topple over if we add another baby to the mix?

I hear that the real work begins with two. It was enough to strike terror in my heart and make me decide to have only one. Hats off to all the moms with two kids. I can''t IMAGINE and know I am absolutely incapable of happily managing two children.

Along with not really wanting a #2, the shear amount of work that would cause is one of the reasons I''ve given DH. The only reason he can come up with for needing a #2 is so that #1 has a sibling. I''ve told him that isn''t enough of a reason to outweigh the cons, he''ll have to come up with more than that!

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 4/22/2010 11:14:14 AM
Author: MustangGal
I do have a question for the moms of 2+ kids. Does it get much harder with 2? That's one of my biggest fears about having another baby. Things are nicely balanced with us now, will it all topple over if we add another baby to the mix?

How do I say this? YES!!!! It's definitely so much harder with 2 kids. Sometimes I hear my friends with only one child complaining about how hard it is and I have to bite my tongue because they have no idea what hard really is. I mean, I'm not going to judge or criticize anyone who has a rough time with only one child (I hope it doesn't come across that way--I'm totally NOT that person!)but it's exponentially harder with two. I felt like going from 0 kids to 1 kid was an adjustment but totally doable. Going from 1 to 2 is a whole different world. Granted, I had my 2 very close together but I still think that no matter when you add a second (or third or fourth) child into the mix, it's going to be tough. It's just double the responsibility, double the work, double the worry. Scheduling things becomes much more difficult, travel becomes harder and then of course, there's the added expense. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I found love in my heart that I never thought I had and I get it back times two! And now that my girls are growing up and playing together, I'm confident that this was the best thing for all of us. Hopefully they will grow up and continue to be best friends for their entire lives. No matter what, they'll always have each other and that gives me a strange kind of peace. It's definitely not a walk in the park but at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. So even though it's a very personal decision and many factors go into it, I recommend it!!

And TGal, out of everyone I know, I am absolutely certain that YOU could handle 2 children better than most! You're an awesome mother, give yourself some credit, lady!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/22/2010 8:10:46 PM
Author: curlygirl

Date: 4/22/2010 11:14:14 AM
Author: MustangGal
I do have a question for the moms of 2+ kids. Does it get much harder with 2? That''s one of my biggest fears about having another baby. Things are nicely balanced with us now, will it all topple over if we add another baby to the mix?

How do I say this? YES!!!! It''s definitely so much harder with 2 kids. Sometimes I hear my friends with only one child complaining about how hard it is and I have to bite my tongue because they have no idea what hard really is. I mean, I''m not going to judge or criticize anyone who has a rough time with only one child (I hope it doesn''t come across that way--I''m totally NOT that person!)but it''s exponentially harder with two. I felt like going from 0 kids to 1 kid was an adjustment but totally doable. Going from 1 to 2 is a whole different world. Granted, I had my 2 very close together but I still think that no matter when you add a second (or third or fourth) child into the mix, it''s going to be tough. It''s just double the responsibility, double the work, double the worry. Scheduling things becomes much more difficult, travel becomes harder and then of course, there''s the added expense. But I wouldn''t trade it for anything. I found love in my heart that I never thought I had and I get it back times two! And now that my girls are growing up and playing together, I''m confident that this was the best thing for all of us. Hopefully they will grow up and continue to be best friends for their entire lives. No matter what, they''ll always have each other and that gives me a strange kind of peace. It''s definitely not a walk in the park but at the end of the day, I wouldn''t have it any other way. So even though it''s a very personal decision and many factors go into it, I recommend it!!

And TGal, out of everyone I know, I am absolutely certain that YOU could handle 2 children better than most! You''re an awesome mother, give yourself some credit, lady!!

Curly, when I see your girls, or Ella''s twins, I really do have a tug to have another.

And thanks for the compliment...I wasn''t fishing...I know I could *handle* two (i.e. manage), but what I said was I know I couldn''t *happily* handle two!

I''m just too selfish and feel we have our life right where we want it - I''ve got me time, he''s got he time, we''ve got we time. I mean, I''m embarrased to say if I bathe my kid every other day I''m doing well. I. Just. Can''t. Do. Two.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

This is a great thread!

I am a working mom and I must say that I love it. I worked full-time until I had my son in July 2008, took a 6-month maternity leave and then went back part-time. I usually work between 25-35 hours a week as a paralegal. Working part-time has really worked out for me because 1. it gives me more time with my son and DH and 2. when business is slower I can take a day or two off and when business is busier then I work more.

Other things that make my life saner:

1. My wonderful, supportive husband. He is a natural born father and is excellent with our son. He gets up in the middle of the night when necessary, does the daycare run and lets me sleep in on most weekends.

2. Our supportive families. DH''s mom and aunt are the primary day-care-takers of our son. We do utilize a part-time in-home daycare provider 1-2 times a week though. DS is DH''s parents'' only grandchild that lives close enough to see regularly and he''s spoiled because of it. He even does sleep-overs at their house about once a month so we can do a date night.

3. I leave work at work. I do not work from home and it''s not something that I would really consider at this point. Besides the fact that my home computer is always on the verge of imploding and could not handle the software necessary for my job, I need a break from the office and all of the crazy clients that come with it. I love my job, I really do, but I do not want to be dealing with our "crazies" at home.

4. We eat dinner as a family. We don''t always all sit at the table nice and neat like the Brady Bunch since DS is a busy almost-two-year-old but we make a point of having a meal together so we can relax and talk and teach our little guy some table manners when he does sit still long enough to eat.

5. Finally, we do things together as a family. DH''s boss got us a season pass to the local zoo and although we couldn''t use it last summer we are planning on getting some good use out of it this summer. It''s free to go if we take our own food and it''s kid-friendly.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 4/22/2010 9:03:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/22/2010 8:10:46 PM

Author: curlygirl

Date: 4/22/2010 11:14:14 AM

Author: MustangGal

I do have a question for the moms of 2+ kids. Does it get much harder with 2? That''s one of my biggest fears about having another baby. Things are nicely balanced with us now, will it all topple over if we add another baby to the mix?

How do I say this? YES!!!! It''s definitely so much harder with 2 kids. Sometimes I hear my friends with only one child complaining about how hard it is and I have to bite my tongue because they have no idea what hard really is. I mean, I''m not going to judge or criticize anyone who has a rough time with only one child (I hope it doesn''t come across that way--I''m totally NOT that person!)but it''s exponentially harder with two. I felt like going from 0 kids to 1 kid was an adjustment but totally doable. Going from 1 to 2 is a whole different world. Granted, I had my 2 very close together but I still think that no matter when you add a second (or third or fourth) child into the mix, it''s going to be tough. It''s just double the responsibility, double the work, double the worry. Scheduling things becomes much more difficult, travel becomes harder and then of course, there''s the added expense. But I wouldn''t trade it for anything. I found love in my heart that I never thought I had and I get it back times two! And now that my girls are growing up and playing together, I''m confident that this was the best thing for all of us. Hopefully they will grow up and continue to be best friends for their entire lives. No matter what, they''ll always have each other and that gives me a strange kind of peace. It''s definitely not a walk in the park but at the end of the day, I wouldn''t have it any other way. So even though it''s a very personal decision and many factors go into it, I recommend it!!

And TGal, out of everyone I know, I am absolutely certain that YOU could handle 2 children better than most! You''re an awesome mother, give yourself some credit, lady!!

Curly, when I see your girls, or Ella''s twins, I really do have a tug to have another.

And thanks for the compliment...I wasn''t fishing...I know I could *handle* two (i.e. manage), but what I said was I know I couldn''t *happily* handle two!

I''m just too selfish and feel we have our life right where we want it - I''ve got me time, he''s got he time, we''ve got we time. I mean, I''m embarrased to say if I bathe my kid every other day I''m doing well. I. Just. Can''t. Do. Two.

curly: (and anyone w/2 here) - does it get any easier, say after the 1st year? I''m just curious. I mean I can totally see the first year with newborn + toddler being rough (not to mention also working), but then I do find things have gotten a bit easier (with just the one) after the first year so maybe it''s also the case with the 2nd? However then I think of basic things like getting in the car and going to the supermarket and wonder how on earth does one do that w/2? (I can see Mandarine rolling her eyes . As it is I rely DH''''s help...so definitely makes me think more like Tgal that maybe it''s too much for me as a fellow sloth. But then the "having a sibling" point is a very powerful one. For some reason I just have a hard time dealing with the possiblity of C being alone someday, and also never having a playmate at home growing up. As it is, she clings to my leg when I"m not able to focus all my attention and I think, oh if she just had a playmate like Curly''s sweet girls!

 

[snlee]

Date: 4/22/2010 8:50:25 AM
Author: janinegirly
snlee: what happens on the 5th day (you mentioned your parents watching D 4 days). Isn''t it huge having family watch our LO''s?

I also never bring work home. I mean that''s just natural to me though--I''ve NEVER been all about work.

I am so thankful for my family! Usually DH works from home or takes a vacation day. His work is very flexible (allows him to work from home every once in awhile) and he''s maxed out on vacation right now so it works out well. Other times it''s a holiday or I take a vacation day. Gives us a little more quality 1x1 time with D.

 

[qtiekiki]

Here''s what worked for me with one kid.

1. Work stays at work. I don''t think about anything work related once I walk out of the office.

2. In-house babysitter. This is probably most similar to MakingTheGrade''s possible situation. My inlaws live with us, so MIL takes care of M when we are at work. I change her out of her pj, bring her downstairs to give her breakfast, then kiss her goodbye, and MIL is right there to take over. I spend time with her when I get home, and MIL makes dinner. MIL is happy to babysit M if we need to go out, but we don''t do it often since MIL needs some time to herself too.

3. Maximizing time with M. Too be honest, I don''t need a lot of time away from M. I want to spend time with her and take her everywhere. We go out on date nights for special occasions, and once in a while get together with single friends for poker or something. That''s how we were before M, so it''s not really a change. If we are getting together with our married friends, then we bring M along. DH and I still have "us" time after M sleeps. She sleeps late, we sleep later. I also have a job that is made mostly of field work, so I meet DH up for lunch.

I''ll see how it is with 2 kids when I go back to work at the end of May. I am not looking forward to going back to work, but it''s probably because I don''t love my job. I have every other Fridays off, and I work from 6:30am - 4pm with a 30mins (each way) commute.