The Stress Factor

[nala]

So I’m starting this thread in hopes that it can become a source of support or insight for those of use who need it. Feel free to share, advise or just comfort.

I’m going to share what I have recently discovered causes me anxiety to the point that I act irrationally—lose sleep, heart races, etc.
My DD is 24. When she moved out for college she lived with roommates and near her boyfriend so I felt she was always safe. Well, when she turned 22, she moved to Chicago—on her own—without one person that I can contact if something were to happen to her. I have since lived in what she calls an “irrational state of fear that stems from the sudden and traumatic loss of my baby brother.” Yes. She diagnosed me and it makes perfect sense. I was awoken at 2 am, 21 years ago on March 22, to the tragic news that my brother had been murdered. The result is that I constantly obsess over her safety. She is very gracious and understanding, though sometimes she does lose it bc I’m OCD about texting her. She tells me I need therapy. I tell her she needs to move back home or to get a roommate. It’s not gonna happen, so I think that I need to unlearn my obsessive behavior or go to therapy. Any advice?

My second source of anxiety is my upcoming medical procedures. I’m going in for routine procedures bc I’m 49, but when I think about these—colonoscopy and endoscopy—I literally lose it. Like I shudder. I am just as afraid of the actual procedures and what could go wrong as I am of what they could find. I recently lost a sister-in-law to cancer, and two of my first cousins have been fighting cancer for a couple of years. I know that I am traumatized. Any advice?

On the bright side, my job as a teacher is a distraction from these stress-inducing thoughts and my hubby is such a comfort. I have known mental peace before and even experience it when I am working or having fun with hubby—allowing myself to escape these stressful emotions. I wish I could feel this way all the time though. I know that I am hurting myself with these traumas.

 

[kgizo]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, Nala. Sending a virtual hug.
My recommendation is the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. It’s easy to read, can help you define what is going on with you, and tools to help. Plus you can start on it immediately, while it may take awhile to see a professional. Also, talk to your doctor about medicines that can help with anxiety and/or sleeplessness. It can be helpful to know what is available to you, even if you decide not to take it.

 

[telephone89]

Personally I think there are very very few people who wouldn’t benefit from therapy! I’d rather suggest therapy first vs jumping right into medication. I definitely do think medication has a place, but unpacking some of that trauma could really help you as well. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, that would be difficult for anyone I think. I recently (like last week) lost a close friend to cancer and have been struggling, so I think I will be making my own appointment and taking my own advice.

 

[nala]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, Nala. Sending a virtual hug.
My recommendation is the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. It’s easy to read, can help you define what is going on with you, and tools to help. Plus you can start on it immediately, while it may take awhile to see a professional. Also, talk to your doctor about medicines that can help with anxiety and/or sleeplessness. It can be helpful to know what is available to you, even if you decide not to take it.

Thank you for the recommendation. I’m gonna get the book. I’m not open to any medication for now. The sleeplessness only happens when I lose touch with my daughter—as in she went out late and never checked back in with me. Thankfully she has been very considerate lately and has given her location finder to hubby and her dad and her boyfriend so that I don’t lose sleep. She gave it to me at some point, but then she cut me off, she said, for my own good. Lately I have been sleeping well in that regard.
I am hoping that when I have my procedures done in 3 weeks, I will overcome that anxiety. Luckily I will be on spring break in case it flares up the closer I get.

 

[nala]

Personally I think there are very very few people who wouldn’t benefit from therapy! I’d rather suggest therapy first vs jumping right into medication. I definitely do think medication has a place, but unpacking some of that trauma could really help you as well. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, that would be difficult for anyone I think. I recently (like last week) lost a close friend to cancer and have been struggling, so I think I will be making my own appointment and taking my own advice.

I am so sorry for your loss. That is so heartbreaking Take care of yourself. Feel free to share your emotions here.

 

[seaurchin]

I like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) especially because if you're not up for therapy right now, you can get a self-help book. It's helped me a lot, on my own.

Another idea is to use distractions during the times of day anxiety hits you the hardest. For ex. leaving the TV or music on when you go to sleep. Best wishes.

 

[Tonks]

So I’m starting this thread in hopes that it can become a source of support or insight for those of use who need it. Feel free to share, advise or just comfort.

I’m going to share what I have recently discovered causes me anxiety to the point that I act irrationally—lose sleep, heart races, etc.
My DD is 24. When she moved out for college she lived with roommates and near her boyfriend so I felt she was always safe. Well, when she turned 22, she moved to Chicago—on her own—without one person that I can contact if something were to happen to her. I have since lived in what she calls an “irrational state of fear that stems from the sudden and traumatic loss of my baby brother.” Yes. She diagnosed me and it makes perfect sense. I was awoken at 2 am, 21 years ago on March 22, to the tragic news that my brother had been murdered. The result is that I constantly obsess over her safety. She is very gracious and understanding, though sometimes she does lose it bc I’m OCD about texting her. She tells me I need therapy. I tell her she needs to move back home or to get a roommate. It’s not gonna happen, so I think that I need to unlearn my obsessive behavior or go to therapy. Any advice?

My second source of anxiety is my upcoming medical procedures. I’m going in for routine procedures bc I’m 49, but when I think about these—colonoscopy and endoscopy—I literally lose it. Like I shudder. I am just as afraid of the actual procedures and what could go wrong as I am of what they could find. I recently lost a sister-in-law to cancer, and two of my first cousins have been fighting cancer for a couple of years. I know that I am traumatized. Any advice?

On the bright side, my job as a teacher is a distraction from these stress-inducing thoughts and my hubby is such a comfort. I have known mental peace before and even experience it when I am working or having fun with hubby—allowing myself to escape these stressful emotions. I wish I could feel this way all the time though. I know that I am hurting myself with these traumas.

Yes, I have some advice. Trauma therapy. It’s different than regular talk therapy. Trauma therapy gets at trauma from the bottom up—it’s body based. The way it was explained to me makes the most sense from a Pixar Inside Out perspective. Trauma memories (like your brother’s death) are stored by our brains improperly. That’s why they remain so vivid despite the passage of time. They aren’t moved down to long term memory storage where they belong. Instead, they stay in a more short term memory area and are easily triggered by smells, sounds, and sights, and the memories that are triggered are experienced as vivid and recent.

Trauma therapy uses tools such as EMDR, brain spotting, and somatic therapy to work with your brain and body to move stored trauma out of the body to the proper long term storage location (I literally envision this as little Inside Out memory bubbles getting moved from place to place).

It takes some effort and the process is not necessarily fun, but it is HUGELY helpful. It makes the memories less vivid and bothersome. You still have the memories, but they don’t feel like they’re happening RIGHT NOW. They aren’t triggered so easily. Your body begins to relax.

You can look here to find an EMDR therapist near you.

Find an EMDR Therapist®

Our Find an EMDR Therapist® directory is an up-to-date resource to find EMDRIA™ members providing EMDR therapy in your area.

www.emdria.org

Hugs, and be gentle with yourself.

 

[monarch64]

I know you’re not open to meds currently but having been in therapy and knowing that I’ve done a ton of work addressing my trauma, I’m just going to say that meds saved me. Period.

Obviously it’s best to go with a therapist first but please keep an open mind about meds. There’s nothing wrong with treating anxiety with medication, same as one would take NSAIDS for an unbearable headache that affected their quality of life.

My mother had an extremely tough time when I finally got my license at 17, went away to college (pre-Ubiquitous cellphones), until I was married at 26. It was awful for her, and it affected our relationship to the point that I still often avoid her to this day, and I’m 45. She had a very traumatic experience at 18 which isn’t my business to tell. I think that manifested into her worrying constantly about me, and it also came out in the form of her being VERY angry with me. Like, emotionally abusive anger. I did my time in therapy as I said before. She never has and refuses to go. It’s unfortunate. I hope things improve for you; my heart goes out to you and your family! Hugs!

 

[nala]

I like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) especially because if you're not up for therapy right now, you can get a self-help book. It's helped me a lot, on my own.

Another idea is to use distractions during the times of day anxiety hits you the hardest. For ex. leaving the TV or music on when you go to sleep. Best wishes.

Thank you. I used to fall asleep to the ID channel or 20/20, Dateline shows. Since my daughter moved out, I no longer do that for obvious reasons. Lol. But I don’t struggle nightly. My episodes are few and far between.

 

[nala]

Yes, I have some advice. Trauma therapy. It’s different than regular talk therapy. Trauma therapy gets at trauma from the bottom up—it’s body based. The way it was explained to me makes the most sense from a Pixar Inside Out perspective. Trauma memories (like your brother’s death) are stored by our brains improperly. That’s why they remain so vivid despite the passage of time. They aren’t moved down to long term memory storage where they belong. Instead, they stay in a more short term memory area and are easily triggered by smells, sounds, and sights, and the memories that are triggered are experienced as vivid and recent.

Trauma therapy uses tools such as EMDR, brain spotting, and somatic therapy to work with your brain and body to move stored trauma out of the body to the proper long term storage location (I literally envision this as little Inside Out memory bubbles getting moved from place to place).

It takes some effort and the process is not necessarily fun, but it is HUGELY helpful. It makes the memories less vivid and bothersome. You still have the memories, but they don’t feel like they’re happening RIGHT NOW. They aren’t triggered so easily. Your body begins to relax.

You can look here to find an EMDR therapist near you.

Find an EMDR Therapist®

Our Find an EMDR Therapist® directory is an up-to-date resource to find EMDRIA™ members providing EMDR therapy in your area.

www.emdria.org

Hugs, and be gentle with yourself.

This sounds life changing and makes so much sense. Thank you so much. I will research it.

 

[nala]

I know you’re not open to meds currently but having been in therapy and knowing that I’ve done a ton of work addressing my trauma, I’m just going to say that meds saved me. Period.

Obviously it’s best to go with a therapist first but please keep an open mind about meds. There’s nothing wrong with treating anxiety with medication, same as one would take NSAIDS for an unbearable headache that affected their quality of life.

My mother had an extremely tough time when I finally got my license at 17, went away to college (pre-Ubiquitous cellphones), until I was married at 26. It was awful for her, and it affected our relationship to the point that I still often avoid her to this day, and I’m 45. She had a very traumatic experience at 18 which isn’t my business to tell. I think that manifested into her worrying constantly about me, and it also came out in the form of her being VERY angry with me. Like, emotionally abusive anger. I did my time in therapy as I said before. She never has and refuses to go. It’s unfortunate. I hope things improve for you; my heart goes out to you and your family! Hugs!

Thanks for sharing the other side—my daughter is a saint for putting up with my obsessive behaviors.

I am sorry for what you and your mom went through. I feel for both of you.

I think sharing my source of stress here is opening my eyes to the fact that my behaviors are not normal. I am just now realizing that the only people I have shared my fears with are my sisters—who tell me these concerns are normal bc they experience these episodes too, in regard to their grown children! They tell me it’s normal bc they will always be our children and that we are just being loving parents. I can’t believe that I had not realized that we are all living the consequences of the same trauma and normalizing it.

 

[missy]

@nala I am so sorry you are experiencing this and dealing with this level of stress. I might not have human kids but I do understand and empathize. Truly. One of the reasons I didn't want kids tbh but that is a story for another day. Just to say I get the stress feels overwhelming to the max. Your darling daughter sounds pretty amazing and that doesn't surprise me because she is part of you

As for your colonoscopy concerns I get that too and in fact still have not had one despite my advanced years lol.
I have had a few endoscopies and they are not bad in any way. They give you propofol (or gave me propofol) and you feel nothing and there is no prep like a colonoscopy. So IMO it's much easier. But of course fwiw everyone I know who has undergone a colonoscopy say it is easy peasy and now they have an all pill cleanse so that makes it more palatable IMO

So happy for you that you love your teaching job and that provides for you a source of peace and your dh is a huge source of comfort. That is everything IMO.

You have received excellent advice from PSers (no surprise there) so will just leave it with this...
I agree with the therapy advice over taking medication at this point. I have seen people benefit greatly from different types of therapy.

Sending you many hugs and good wishes today and always

 

[hardwear]

Truly sorry for your loss and the trauma and anxiety it has left behind.
Such wonderful support and advice above.

I am the person that would try everything under the sun before meds, but that is me and no judgement on anyone else.

Our aging and hormonal imbalance just adds more to our plates and the feelings of anxiety/overwhelming easily creeps into the minds. SO slowly you never even notice it.
My DD lives in Philadelphia- so I understand the living in fear of safety. Both my kids leave on their locations on the phone and we have been honest with them to say its for safety only and we are not tracking them constantly to see what they are doing? My kids have friends whose parents that track them/text them 24/7 and those kids feel stressed and are lying and making up elaborate stories to keep their parents happy. Your daughter seems very understanding and patient, Please ask her permission if she can leave her tracking on on her phone..? This way you can check quickly her location to give you peace of mind.. also give yourself a goal of I will only check location 3x a day, or whatever that's comfortable to start off with and then lower that number as time goes on. This way you are not constantly texting her and then waiting anxiously for her reply, this also won't put any distance between your relationship with each other. You can always send funny pictures or some anecdote that she would get, these don't require immediate response. But she will respond and you'll feel better.

Have you tried adding some form of physical activity? This really really helped me, social and physical helps the mind heal quite a bit. I am not an anxious person at all, yet last year I lost it. I started feeling anxious, overwhelmed, first time ever my own mother daughter emotional relationship came to light and that led to a lot of reading books, forums and understanding and talking with close friends.

Colonoscopy- Yep- I have put it off too...you're not alone. I am getting it done soon. Fear of the unknown is the worst, but you'll get through it and be on the other side.

Feel better and I really do hope the trauma therapy helps you. Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

I forgot to address the colonoscopy thing, @nala

Like @hardwear I will be having one soon. I’m waiting for the endoscopy center to get back to me re scheduling because I requested full sedation. Normally they do twilight. It will be my first one, but my dad had colon cancer and he had so many. I’ve also been the driver for two of my girl friends when they had theirs. One thought she would be fully sedated and was BIG MAD when she wasn’t and freaked out. I learned from her that you must request full sedation if you don’t want to be awake at all during the procedure. I am already fully freaked out about having to do it in the first place for various reasons so I understand your thoughts on the matter! My dad always said the prep was the worst part, but things have improved on that front (er, end?) so I guess that’s a plus.

I’m not too worried about the possibility of cancer. There may be polyps. My father had genetic testing done because his father (my grandfather) also had colon cancer and died from it, and the results concluded that his was not hereditary. That gave me some comfort. My brother is refusing to have his and he will be 50 this summer. I worry about him more than myself. I’m also having my first mammogram this year. That scares me more than the colonoscopy! I have rescheduled twice already but I will make sure I go through with it.

 

[nienna]

Hi, I don’t post that often (clearly lol) but wanted to add to Tonks’ point about trauma therapy and EMDR. I recently read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk and it had a lot of great information about trauma and trauma therapies, including EMDR. It may be of use to you and give you some more info, personally I feel it taught me a lot. Best of luck <3

 

[MissGotRocks]

I have always been a worrier. My kids are long grown with families of their own and I still worry about their safety at times. They joke about me always thinking they are dead in a ditch - funny to them but heart wrenching to me - lol! I still ask them to text me to let me when they get home if they are doing something late or out of the norm. I tell them it will be returned by their own kids one of these days. They will understand the worry at that point! They are my kids and I will worry about them til the day I die I guess. Not sure how to ever squelch the worry.
You are changing in age related ways and hormonally too at this point in your life. It makes a difference sad to say! Things that you could easily throw off become more problematic at times. Young people are out having fun throwing caution to the wind and older folks are home wringing their hands over them! My mother used to worry too and I thought it was foolish because I was just fine. She just needed to know that too.

Medical tests are worrisome and that never really changes either. As we get older, we realize that more can happen and sometimes we witness it in our peers. Can be scary but they are a necessary evil to try to maintain health.
I honestly don’t see anything terribly out of the ordinary here except you say it makes you irrational. Not sure if that means in your thoughts or your actions. Hang in there - your lovely daughter won’t be alone forever and you won’t have this level of anxiety over her forever. Just sometimes - lol!

 

[nala]

@nala I am so sorry you are experiencing this and dealing with this level of stress. I might not have human kids but I do understand and empathize. Truly. One of the reasons I didn't want kids tbh but that is a story for another day. Just to say I get the stress feels overwhelming to the max. Your darling daughter sounds pretty amazing and that doesn't surprise me because she is part of you

As for your colonoscopy concerns I get that too and in fact still have not had one despite my advanced years lol.
I have had a few endoscopies and they are not bad in any way. They give you propofol (or gave me propofol) and you feel nothing and there is no prep like a colonoscopy. So IMO it's much easier. But of course fwiw everyone I know who has undergone a colonoscopy say it is easy peasy and now they have an all pill cleanse so that makes it more palatable IMO

So happy for you that you love your teaching job and that provides for you a source of peace and your dh is a huge source of comfort. That is everything IMO.

You have received excellent advice from PSers (no surprise there) so will just leave it with this...
I agree with the therapy advice over taking medication at this point. I have seen people benefit greatly from different types of therapy.

Sending you many hugs and good wishes today and always

Thank you so much for your kind words. Would you mind sharing with me why you have opted against a colonoscopy?

 

[nala]

Truly sorry for your loss and the trauma and anxiety it has left behind.
Such wonderful support and advice above.

I am the person that would try everything under the sun before meds, but that is me and no judgement on anyone else.

Our aging and hormonal imbalance just adds more to our plates and the feelings of anxiety/overwhelming easily creeps into the minds. SO slowly you never even notice it.
My DD lives in Philadelphia- so I understand the living in fear of safety. Both my kids leave on their locations on the phone and we have been honest with them to say its for safety only and we are not tracking them constantly to see what they are doing? My kids have friends whose parents that track them/text them 24/7 and those kids feel stressed and are lying and making up elaborate stories to keep their parents happy. Your daughter seems very understanding and patient, Please ask her permission if she can leave her tracking on on her phone..? This way you can check quickly her location to give you peace of mind.. also give yourself a goal of I will only check location 3x a day, or whatever that's comfortable to start off with and then lower that number as time goes on. This way you are not constantly texting her and then waiting anxiously for her reply, this also won't put any distance between your relationship with each other. You can always send funny pictures or some anecdote that she would get, these don't require immediate response. But she will respond and you'll feel better.

Have you tried adding some form of physical activity? This really really helped me, social and physical helps the mind heal quite a bit. I am not an anxious person at all, yet last year I lost it. I started feeling anxious, overwhelmed, first time ever my own mother daughter emotional relationship came to light and that led to a lot of reading books, forums and understanding and talking with close friends.

Colonoscopy- Yep- I have put it off too...you're not alone. I am getting it done soon. Fear of the unknown is the worst, but you'll get through it and be on the other side.

Feel better and I really do hope the trauma therapy helps you. Good luck!

Thanks for sharing that you too worry about your kids. It’s good to know there is some amount of normal in my behavior.
DD felt that sharing her location with me was causing me more stress, so she shares it with 3 other people whom she feels can keep me level headed.
I wanted to add that one of my other impressions about the tracker really traumatized me. About 10 years ago, when tracking was in its infancy—-at least I had never heard of it—a horrific event happened in my neck of the woods. I didn’t know the people, but my friends told me about how a teen and her friends went out and the mom was worried bc she wasn’t answering. So she turned on the tracker and instantly felt reassured bc it was moving. She kept checking it, hoping it would get nearer to her house. Except it didn’t. It ended up at a morgue. I don’t recall the exact details—just the horrific end. Tbh, that is why tracking my DD used to make me lose it. Sigh.

 

[nala]

I have always been a worrier. My kids are long grown with families of their own and I still worry about their safety at times. They joke about me always thinking they are dead in a ditch - funny to them but heart wrenching to me - lol! I still ask them to text me to let me when they get home if they are doing something late or out of the norm. I tell them it will be returned by their own kids one of these days. They will understand the worry at that point! They are my kids and I will worry about them til the day I die I guess. Not sure how to ever squelch the worry.
You are changing in age related ways and hormonally too at this point in your life. It makes a difference sad to say! Things that you could easily throw off become more problematic at times. Young people are out having fun throwing caution to the wind and older folks are home wringing their hands over them! My mother used to worry too and I thought it was foolish because I was just fine. She just needed to know that too.

Medical tests are worrisome and that never really changes either. As we get older, we realize that more can happen and sometimes we witness it in our peers. Can be scary but they are a necessary evil to try to maintain health.
I honestly don’t see anything terribly out of the ordinary here except you say it makes you irrational. Not sure if that means in your thoughts or your actions. Hang in there - your lovely daughter won’t be alone forever and you won’t have this level of anxiety over her forever. Just sometimes - lol!

Thank you so much for taking the time to reassure me and sharing that you still worry. Ok. I have to say that when DD’s boyfriend is visiting her, I feel so worry-free so I think you are right—there is hope that I won’t feel this way forever.
My irrational behavior has kicked in maybe 4 times since she moved out—and all times were caused bc her phone died, there was no reception or she got home and passed out. Bc she loves to go out, all of these incidents have happed late at night. Maybe 2 am her time, midnight mine. And I will obsessively call her phone, pace, wake up hubby, cry and share with him my dark thoughts. Needless to say, I do not get any sleep on those nights.
If I lose touch with her for a span of 3 hours during the early evening, I will lose my appetite and find it hard to focus, as I bug my hubby with my fears.
Hubby says that I am irrational when these moments occur.

 

[missy]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Would you mind sharing with me why you have opted against a colonoscopy?

Yes because I have so many other health issues I just don't have the energy to do one right now. And because if anyone would get a perforated colon I feel it would be me lol. Not lol. My dh who is generally laid back and easy going (most of the time that is) is not happy with me about this decision as he feels it is a critical test and when caught early treatable. Which is true. But I am just not up for doing this test right now. The prep turns me off too but it is more the risk of complications which are very low yet nonetheless give me pause. I know it's not my smartest decision but even so this is how I feel right now. I am well past the age one's first colonoscopy is recommended yet here i am. Still not doing it. I have done Cologuard but reading recent research about it Cologuard is not nearly as accurate as a colonoscopy. It just isn't. Don't do as I do Nala. I recommend getting one as it can be lifesaving. I am just not mentally ready if you kwim for all the reasons I stated above. But rationally I know this isn't my best decision especially given I have EPI

 

[missy]

I forgot to address the colonoscopy thing, @nala

Like @hardwear I will be having one soon. I’m waiting for the endoscopy center to get back to me re scheduling because I requested full sedation. Normally they do twilight. It will be my first one, but my dad had colon cancer and he had so many. I’ve also been the driver for two of my girl friends when they had theirs. One thought she would be fully sedated and was BIG MAD when she wasn’t and freaked out. I learned from her that you must request full sedation if you don’t want to be awake at all during the procedure. I am already fully freaked out about having to do it in the first place for various reasons so I understand your thoughts on the matter! My dad always said the prep was the worst part, but things have improved on that front (er, end?) so I guess that’s a plus.

I’m not too worried about the possibility of cancer. There may be polyps. My father had genetic testing done because his father (my grandfather) also had colon cancer and died from it, and the results concluded that his was not hereditary. That gave me some comfort. My brother is refusing to have his and he will be 50 this summer. I worry about him more than myself. I’m also having my first mammogram this year. That scares me more than the colonoscopy! I have rescheduled twice already but I will make sure I go through with it.

Monnie, if I may comfort you about mammograms. They are pretty easy. I mean it can be uncomfortable but not painful at all. Good luck and I hope both procedures go well.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reassure me and sharing that you still worry. Ok. I have to say that when DD’s boyfriend is visiting her, I feel so worry-free so I think you are right—there is hope that I won’t feel this way forever.
My irrational behavior has kicked in maybe 4 times since she moved out—and all times were caused bc her phone died, there was no reception or she got home and passed out. Bc she loves to go out, all of these incidents have happed late at night. Maybe 2 am her time, midnight mine. And I will obsessively call her phone, pace, wake up hubby, cry and share with him my dark thoughts. Needless to say, I do not get any sleep on those nights.
If I lose touch with her for a span of 3 hours during the early evening, I will lose my appetite and find it hard to focus, as I bug my hubby with my fears.
Hubby says that I am irrational when these moments occur.

You will get through this period in time too although I understand your anxiety. Thinking that something might happen - and knowing that sometimes these things do happen to people - is enough to make you come unglued! My kids have always thought I worried unnecessarily but it is just who I am and have never been able to not worry. Circumstances change though as they get older and their going out and about lessens too so that helps. Hang in there!!

 

[monarch64]

@nala you have GOT to get some therapy. That’s not normal nor healthy, your reactions.

This thread is triggering for me and I’m sure it is for others. Let’s all take a collective breath.

I’m going to be exiting this thread as much as I don’t want to. It’s what is best for my mental health. @nala i wish you the best possible journey and outcome.

 

[Avondale]

I constantly obsess over her safety

My experience with anxiety is that the first step is finding the source of it. You seem to have done just that here. The next step is figuring out how to counter it so that the source is either removed or no longer stressing you out. Now that can be a bit tricky, and it's great that your daughter is doing her best to help you. But I also agree that you stand to benefit from some extra help.

Look at it this way, our minds are complex systems and can be difficult to navigate. Sometimes we manage and sometimes we don't. When we don't, there are people, trained professionals in the field of navigating and managing the mind. These people can give us tools that are necessary, that we didn't previously know existed, but which can be key in dealing with all sorts of issues and negative emotions.

* * *

On the more general subject of regular medical check-ups and tests of any and all variety - I understand the worry, I've experienced it myself. I promise it gets easier the more you turn it into a habit. You'd be surprised just how many health issues are totally treatable nowadays as long as they're caught early. Even cancer can be caught before it becomes actually cancer. Diabetes (type 2) can be prevented. Heart disease can be prevented.

Now, I'm by no means the healthiest person in the world, quite contrary. I drew a short stick. But I can safely say I would've been a lot worse (including potentially terminally ill or plain already dead) if I had skipped on my prophylactic medical examinations. I am not kidding and I am not exaggerating.

So go get your tests. Not getting them won't change what already is. What it will change, though, is your ability to respond to it. 99,9% of the time there will be nothing and you get to live your life with the knowledge and certainty you're healthy. And in that 0,1% you'll be able to react in a timely manner, which can make all the difference in the world.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Nala - I have a 24 year old daughter. She actually lives at home right now (while finishing her BA). During her first year at out of state college she was raped - grabbed out of her bed while sleeping on a Tuesday night. No alcohol or drugs on her part. I tell you this only for context. That whole traumatic experience (plus the legal stuff) made it very difficult for me to not know where she was at all times, especially at night. To not worry about her at all times. As she recovered from that trauma, and came home to finish college in her home state, she demanded more independence. I tried but I was suffocating her because of my fears and anxiety. So she wisely decided that her closest female friends would always know where she was - her location service was always on for them. And she’ll tell at least one of them where she is always and who she is with. I know these friends and wouldn’t hesitate to contact them if I felt uneasy. Maybe she needs to have you meet some of her friends, even on Zoom. And when she goes out at night she will normally tell me where she is going and with whom. But I think that’s really because she lives here. If she wants privacy, she’ll tell me xyz knows where she is going and what she is doing. Or she’ll invite friends, dates, whatever over to our house and Ive learned to trust her and her choices. I give her privacy and space in our house. We’ve tried to accommodate each other’s fears and anxiety and need for separateness. I also got talk therapy with a psychiatrist - it was so so helpful. And some anxiety meds when it was horrible.

Your fears and anxiety are real and are the result of what happened before. It sounds like your daughter is trying to accommodate you while maintaining her autonomy. Maybe she can make sure to bring an extra charger thing to always make sure her phone is charged, maybe she can text you when she leaves and gets home. Or if staying over somewhere, text you and tell you she’s fine and just hanging with a friend. Your part needs to be to trust her judgment and not pry (I’m not saying you’re prying- just you have to stay out of her social life unless she invites you in). One other thing - I got my daughter a middle aged, emotional support dog soon after the rape. When Lilly died, I got my daughter a puppy who she’s responsible for. She adores this puppy. The responsibility for an animal makes my daughter’s activities very predictable and more routine. Just a thought for you!!!! I hope some of this helps.

I am so terribly sorry to hear about your daughter. It is the stuff nightmares are made of but so glad she got through it. I can totally understand your anxiety and fear but you are a good mother for helping her to cope and persevere. We all have to accept that many things are out of our control; that is truly the root of the worry and anxiety. Take care and best wishes to your daughter as she moves on from this terrible experience.

 

[House Cat]

Yes, I have some advice. Trauma therapy. It’s different than regular talk therapy. Trauma therapy gets at trauma from the bottom up—it’s body based. The way it was explained to me makes the most sense from a Pixar Inside Out perspective. Trauma memories (like your brother’s death) are stored by our brains improperly. That’s why they remain so vivid despite the passage of time. They aren’t moved down to long term memory storage where they belong. Instead, they stay in a more short term memory area and are easily triggered by smells, sounds, and sights, and the memories that are triggered are experienced as vivid and recent.

Trauma therapy uses tools such as EMDR, brain spotting, and somatic therapy to work with your brain and body to move stored trauma out of the body to the proper long term storage location (I literally envision this as little Inside Out memory bubbles getting moved from place to place).

It takes some effort and the process is not necessarily fun, but it is HUGELY helpful. It makes the memories less vivid and bothersome. You still have the memories, but they don’t feel like they’re happening RIGHT NOW. They aren’t triggered so easily. Your body begins to relax.

You can look here to find an EMDR therapist near you.

Find an EMDR Therapist®

Our Find an EMDR Therapist® directory is an up-to-date resource to find EMDRIA™ members providing EMDR therapy in your area.

www.emdria.org

Hugs, and be gentle with yourself.

This has been my experience as well

 

[seaurchin]

Sorry if this is getting off topic but fwiw I was surprised to learn that tracking grown children is "a thing." I can't imagine mine allowing it or even regularly checking in with me re there whereabouts.

 

[nala]

Nala - I have a 24 year old daughter. She actually lives at home right now (while finishing her BA). During her first year at out of state college she was raped - grabbed out of her bed while sleeping on a Tuesday night. No alcohol or drugs on her part. I tell you this only for context. That whole traumatic experience (plus the legal stuff) made it very difficult for me to not know where she was at all times, especially at night. To not worry about her at all times. As she recovered from that trauma, and came home to finish college in her home state, she demanded more independence. I tried but I was suffocating her because of my fears and anxiety. So she wisely decided that her closest female friends would always know where she was - her location service was always on for them. And she’ll tell at least one of them where she is always and who she is with. I know these friends and wouldn’t hesitate to contact them if I felt uneasy. Maybe she needs to have you meet some of her friends, even on Zoom. And when she goes out at night she will normally tell me where she is going and with whom. But I think that’s really because she lives here. If she wants privacy, she’ll tell me xyz knows where she is going and what she is doing. Or she’ll invite friends, dates, whatever over to our house and Ive learned to trust her and her choices. I give her privacy and space in our house. We’ve tried to accommodate each other’s fears and anxiety and need for separateness. I also got talk therapy with a psychiatrist - it was so so helpful. And some anxiety meds when it was horrible.

Your fears and anxiety are real and are the result of what happened before. It sounds like your daughter is trying to accommodate you while maintaining her autonomy. Maybe she can make sure to bring an extra charger thing to always make sure her phone is charged, maybe she can text you when she leaves and gets home. Or if staying over somewhere, text you and tell you she’s fine and just hanging with a friend. Your part needs to be to trust her judgment and not pry (I’m not saying you’re prying- just you have to stay out of her social life unless she invites you in). One other thing - I got my daughter a middle aged, emotional support dog soon after the rape. When Lilly died, I got my daughter a puppy who she’s responsible for. She adores this puppy. The responsibility for an animal makes my daughter’s activities very predictable and more routine. Just a thought for you!!!! I hope some of this helps.

I have no words for the nightmare you and your DD experienced. My heart goes out to both of you. It sounds like she is so resilient and courageous and you are doing your best to support her.
Thank you for sharing what must be the most difficult experience to provide me context.

 

[nala]

Sorry if this is getting off topic but fwiw I was surprised to learn that tracking grown children is "a thing." I can't imagine mine allowing it or even regularly checking in with me re there whereabouts.

My DD agreed to share her location when she moved and didn’t know one soul in her new city. She doesn’t share when she is local. She actually says it makes her feel safer when she is leaving a bar at 2 am and jumping in an Uber.

 

[monarch64]

My DD agreed to share her location when she moved and didn’t know one soul in her new city. She doesn’t share when she is local. She actually says it makes her feel safer when she is leaving a bar at 2 am and jumping in an Uber.

She is (in my biased opinion based on what I’ve shared with you already) enjoying her freedom.

You cannot control what happens to your daughter. If you could, what would you do?

I encourage you to ask yourself that question and think about your answers.