The "seven year itch"...

[Laila619]

Huff Post had an article about the so-called "Seven year itch" the other day...do you think this is a real thing, or just a bunch of BS? I'm sure it's probably true that over time people tend to take their spouses for granted and it's only natural for that heady, butterflies feeling to lessen a bit .

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-nagy/the-sevenyear-itch-fact-o_b_2443171.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

 

[Missy]

Honestly, I think it is a bunch of hooey. It's what you said- people taking their spouses for granted as time goes on. Relationships, good ones at least, take effort. Respect, love, understanding, and energy. It's all about building up the positive so it greatly outweighs any negative.

 

[Dancing Fire]

nahhh...the avg marriage doesn't last 7 yrs...

 

[tammy77]

By year 3 I had more than an itch, I had a rash! My first marriage, of course! I think it's honestly BS though. It just takes work to maintain a relationship and both parties have to be willing to keep that in perspective for the long haul.

 

[rubyshoes]

I think it's hooey. I would actually say the first year of marriage is the most crucial and really sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. I have been blissfully married for 13 years (touch wood) and our first year was HORRIBLE. We actually separated for 3 months, went into counselling, and it was great after that.

 

[Tuckins1]

I think it comes down to making a good choice about your spouse. A lot of people do not really discuss things like parenting styles/ expectations before having kids. And, if they do and they have differing ideas, many people just go ahead and do it anyways, figuring that they will work it out later. All of the big things, like money/ spending styles, sex, children, politics, where to live, etc... are things that need to be addressed before getting married! I think some people can see that they are not a good match with their SO, yet still go through with getting married anyways, hoping that things will work out. Like the Beatles said, "All you need is love".... Kind of, but you need to use your brain, too.

 

[iheartscience]

Nope, don't buy it. I'm going on year 10 and I haven't had an itch yet. But we're kidless so maybe that makes a difference? Yikes to this! "...couples with children experienced a more rapid decline in the quality of their marriage."

 

[Missy]

I think it's hooey. I would actually say the first year of marriage is the most crucial and really sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. I have been blissfully married for 13 years (touch wood) and our first year was HORRIBLE. We actually separated for 3 months, went into counselling, and it was great after that.

Rubyshoes, I can relate! The first year was a huge adjustment for us as well. I had never lived with anyone (since college that is at least and that was just my college roommate) and I was very set in my ways. There was a learning curve in the first year and luckily we were both committed to each other and were able to work it all out. The Gottman book was also very helpful and I highly recommend it to couples who are dealing with any issue. I think it is an invaluable resource.

Congrats on 13 years and your happy marriage!!

 

[Haven]

I think it's BS.

 

[Circe]

Re: The "seven year itch"...

I think it's malarkey as it relates to marriage specifically ... But I think there might be something to it as regards first big relationships not leading to marriage, purely on the basis of the anecdotal evidence that my husband and I both had, prior to our hooking up, Big Relationships that lasted seven years.

Neither one of us likes to give up. On anything. Ever. So it's as likely as not a testament to White Knight Syndrome as anything else. Should work well in tandem, I hope.

Still, planning a BIG fancy blowout for our 7th anniversary this year .....

 

[04diamond<3]

I think it's hooey. I would actually say the first year of marriage is the most crucial and really sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. I have been blissfully married for 13 years (touch wood) and our first year was HORRIBLE. We actually separated for 3 months, went into counselling, and it was great after that.

Rubyshoes, I can relate! The first year was a huge adjustment for us as well. I had never lived with anyone (since college that is at least and that was just my college roommate) and I was very set in my ways. There was a learning curve in the first year and luckily we were both committed to each other and were able to work it all out. The Gottman book was also very helpful and I highly recommend it to couples who are dealing with any issue. I think it is an invaluable resource.

Congrats on 13 years and your happy marriage!!

Me too!!! I think if you can survive that first year you'll be fine! I hadn't lived with anyone either or been even physically involved with someone else (not on marriage level) so that was even hard! Learning our likes and dislikes and even sleeping together!!! I'd get NO sleep because I'm a light sleeper and he sleeps like a log and also shifts in the middle of the night (he did) and would have his legs and things on top of me which would irritate me so I felt like night time was a battle every night! We went to talk to our pastor a few times and he was terrified! It didn't help that we were in a tiny 1 bed/1bath and we worked at the same place. I really thought I was going to loose it.

But every time, I had to think about how much I love him and how he loves me unconditionally even though I scream about everything! He's the most understanding mellow person and he literally is my better have. We're going on year 5 and couldn't be more in love. I literally just told him about this thread and I said "they now say its 7 years...how weird would that be for us to get a divorce in 2 years!" and he just gave me a sad puppy face look (partly because he's playing his video games).

Relationships take work. Period. You don't work at it then yes, it will fall apart.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Nope, don't buy it. I'm going on year 10 and I haven't had an itch yet. But we're kidless so maybe that makes a difference? Yikes to this! "...couples with children experienced a more rapid decline in the quality of their marriage."

...even worse than marrying a liberal??...

 

[mogster]

"The median duration of marriage for divorcing couples in 1989 and 1990 was 7.2 years." http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/mvsr/mvsr43_9s.htm

I remember a professor citing this statistic in class, a possible explanation being that 7 years is about how long it takes for a child to become independent (in the primal sense).

 

[rubyshoes]

I think it's hooey. I would actually say the first year of marriage is the most crucial and really sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. I have been blissfully married for 13 years (touch wood) and our first year was HORRIBLE. We actually separated for 3 months, went into counselling, and it was great after that.

Rubyshoes, I can relate! The first year was a huge adjustment for us as well. I had never lived with anyone (since college that is at least and that was just my college roommate) and I was very set in my ways. There was a learning curve in the first year and luckily we were both committed to each other and were able to work it all out. The Gottman book was also very helpful and I highly recommend it to couples who are dealing with any issue. I think it is an invaluable resource.

Congrats on 13 years and your happy marriage!!

missy, same here! I had never lived with anyone, not even a roommate and my hubby and I are/were v different. If you know MyersBriggs, I am ENFP, he is ISTJ Total opposites! We drove each crazy over little things like me leaving wet towels on the floor and him going crazy I am still a slob and he is still a neatnik but we try to adjust I have not heard of the Gottman book, but I think pre-marital counseling is a great idea and would help the transition into married life.

 

[rubyshoes]

[quote="04diamond<3 Relationships take work. Period. You don't work at it then yes, it will fall apart.[/quote]

YES. Absolutely.

 

[SB621]

I think it is a load of cr@p DH and I have been together from 10 almost 11 years of which 6 years we have been married. I am so much more in love with him now and then ever. I get giddy when I know he is on his way home as i get to see him again. I should also reference that we are military so DH goes away for weeks or months at a time. I think it has always helped put our relationship into perspective as it is so much harder when he is not around.

 

[Sha]

I think it's hooey. I would actually say the first year of marriage is the most crucial and really sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. I have been blissfully married for 13 years (touch wood) and our first year was HORRIBLE. We actually separated for 3 months, went into counselling, and it was great after that.

Rubyshoes, I can relate! The first year was a huge adjustment for us as well. I had never lived with anyone (since college that is at least and that was just my college roommate) and I was very set in my ways. There was a learning curve in the first year and luckily we were both committed to each other and were able to work it all out. The Gottman book was also very helpful and I highly recommend it to couples who are dealing with any issue. I think it is an invaluable resource.

Congrats on 13 years and your happy marriage!!

Me too!!! I think if you can survive that first year you'll be fine! I hadn't lived with anyone either or been even physically involved with someone else (not on marriage level) so that was even hard! Learning our likes and dislikes and even sleeping together!!! I'd get NO sleep because I'm a light sleeper and he sleeps like a log and also shifts in the middle of the night (he did) and would have his legs and things on top of me which would irritate me so I felt like night time was a battle every night! We went to talk to our pastor a few times and he was terrified! It didn't help that we were in a tiny 1 bed/1bath and we worked at the same place. I really thought I was going to loose it.

But every time, I had to think about how much I love him and how he loves me unconditionally even though I scream about everything! He's the most understanding mellow person and he literally is my better have. We're going on year 5 and couldn't be more in love. I literally just told him about this thread and I said "they now say its 7 years...how weird would that be for us to get a divorce in 2 years!" and he just gave me a sad puppy face look (partly because he's playing his video games).

Relationships take work. Period. You don't work at it then yes, it will fall apart.

Sleep differences can be a big issue in a relationship, I think. My Dh is like yours - sleeps like a log (NOTHING get hims up), SNORES loudly most of the night, and also twists and turns frequently- whereas I'm a light sleeper and take a good while to fall asleep. I sleep sooo much better when I'm sleeping by myself in the separate bedroom, but DH doesn't really me doing that (says I'm neglecting him) My solution right now is to sleep with him for the first half of the night then sneak off to the separate bedroom for the other half. He's usually sleeping like a log at that point so it doesn't really matter anyway. Hope you guys have figured out a solution to the sleep woes! You're definitely not alone.

Re: the original question - I think it's important to continue to do loving things for your spouse and make an extra effort to keep the romance alive. Sometimes if that doesn't happen, both persons can begin taking each other and the relationship for granted - and then persons on the outside can start to look more appealing and exciting.

 

[mimi123]

missy, same here! I had never lived with anyone, not even a roommate and my hubby and I are/were v different. If you know MyersBriggs, I am ENFP, he is ISTJ Total opposites! We drove each crazy over little things like me leaving wet towels on the floor and him going crazy I am still a slob and he is still a neatnik but we try to adjust I have not heard of the Gottman book, but I think pre-marital counseling is a great idea and would help the transition into married life.[/quote]


I once gave the MyersBriggs Personality test to all the employees at a Steel Distributor I onced worked for several years ago. It was very interesting to say the least. I am an INTJ and my hubby is an INTP. We have now been married for 20 years and I swear it feels like 20 months. It still feels all fresh and new and we love doing things and being together - we're still like two kids! But my first marriage ended in divorce after 15 yrs - I lived with him for 13 yrs b4 moving out for the last time. Those 13 yrs felt like a lifetime - the "itch" started in earnest at year 9. So, no, the 7 yr itch didn't apply in my case.

 

[luckyerialc]

nahhh...the avg marriage doesn't last 7 yrs...

hehe... this made me chuckle

 

[Enerchi]

There will always be temptations that come up in life. I don't think year 7 is any more magically susceptible than year 1 - 100! Its all about your commitment to the relationship and how *YOU BOTH* put effort into the relationship. It takes 2 to make it work, not just one person making all the sacrifices or investment. Sooner or later, a one-sided relationship will end.

 

[rosetta]

I think it's hooey. I would actually say the first year of marriage is the most crucial and really sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. I have been blissfully married for 13 years (touch wood) and our first year was HORRIBLE. We actually separated for 3 months, went into counselling, and it was great after that.

Rubyshoes, I can relate! The first year was a huge adjustment for us as well. I had never lived with anyone (since college that is at least and that was just my college roommate) and I was very set in my ways. There was a learning curve in the first year and luckily we were both committed to each other and were able to work it all out. The Gottman book was also very helpful and I highly recommend it to couples who are dealing with any issue. I think it is an invaluable resource.

Congrats on 13 years and your happy marriage!!

missy, same here! I had never lived with anyone, not even a roommate and my hubby and I are/were v different. If you know MyersBriggs, I am ENFP, he is ISTJ Total opposites! We drove each crazy over little things like me leaving wet towels on the floor and him going crazy I am still a slob and he is still a neatnik but we try to adjust I have not heard of the Gottman book, but I think pre-marital counseling is a great idea and would help the transition into married life.

Rubyshoes you give me hope. Husband is ENFP, I am ISTJ. We are doing very well so far, into 2nd year of marriage. Minor adjustments were needed in the first year, but in reality, it went way smoother than I expected. I am heartened by your long and happy marriage!

 

[yssie]

But they left out the two month itch, the two year itch, the five year itch, the fifteen year itch, the twenty year itch...

 

[packrat]

It's a load of crap. JD and I met when I was 18 and have been best friends ever since. We're 38 now, married 11 years. Sometimes it sucks and I want to smother him in his sleep. I call him names in my head and slam doors. But I love him and I know he loves me. There is no magical year to beware, and it shouldn't be something that people focus so much on-focus on your *marriage*, not on numbers or what happens to other couples, other relationships, or what statistics say. You're a married couple not a statistic or a number.

Now, were there a Johnny Depp Itch, then yes, I would like to scratch that one.

 

[texaskj]

I'm not so sure about the seven-year itch, but I've seen a lot of relationships not make it through the 14-year itch.

 

[justginger]

I don't understand where these sort of sayings come from. Why 7 years? In my personal experience, I've seen people struggle through their second year of marriage the most. The first year is still the honeymoon stage, where annoyances and differences are ignored. But the second year, reality sets in - you've signed up for this for life, the other person's unsavory habits aren't changing any time soon. I don't know how people who are unhappy at that point would be able to hang on for another 5 years...

 

[Ally T]

I have been married for 5.5 years, together for almost 7. It was a super whirlwind & we were inseparable. We did everything together, took many holidays & were 'drinking buddies' at the weekend too. It was not as much fun being out with my friends without him & vice versa, so we just agreed to do everything with each other. Fast forward to now & we hardly do anything together. He works long hours for his own company & I am a stay at home mum with 2 girls, aged 2 & almost 4. We have absolutely nothing in common, don't often hang out together because one of us stays at home with the children, holidays are a once a year occurrence in a family friendly villa & usually with both of our mothers - life has changed beyond recognition.

As for an itch I don't have one yet, but I do get the urge sometimes to smash his face in with a saucepan Sometimes he drives me mental with his habits, golfing hobby at weekend when he should be making time to spend with the children, going away to watch football games - he very much has his own life & independence & I don't really have either. Partly that is my fault, but my girls are my world & I like to do things with them. We have a date night once a month, but bedroom antics have dwindled significantly since the girls came along as I covet sleep more than anything else. We have discussed everything & we know we are committed & in this for the long haul & are deeply in love. We both accept that this is just a phase of change whilst we raise our family & build financial security. Since I have stopped being slightly jealous of his freedom & life away for the home & got my head around being the home-maker, things are smoother. I focus now on my home, it's cleanliness, decoration, furnishings & the happiness & health of everyone in it

 

[justginger]

I have been married for 5.5 years, together for almost 7. It was a super whirlwind & we were inseparable. We did everything together, took many holidays & were 'drinking buddies' at the weekend too. It was not as much fun being out with my friends without him & vice versa, so we just agreed to do everything with each other. Fast forward to now & we hardly do anything together. He works long hours for his own company & I am a stay at home mum with 2 girls, aged 2 & almost 4. We have absolutely nothing in common, don't often hang out together because one of us stays at home with the children, holidays are a once a year occurrence in a family friendly villa & usually with both of our mothers - life has changed beyond recognition.

As for an itch I don't have one yet, but I do get the urge sometimes to smash his face in with a saucepan Sometimes he drives me mental with his habits, golfing hobby at weekend when he should be making time to spend with the children, going away to watch football games - he very much has his own life & independence & I don't really have either. Partly that is my fault, but my girls are my world & I like to do things with them. We have a date night once a month, but bedroom antics have dwindled significantly since the girls came along as I covet sleep more than anything else. We have discussed everything & we know we are committed & in this for the long haul & are deeply in love. We both accept that this is just a phase of change whilst we raise our family & build financial security. Since I have stopped being slightly jealous of his freedom & life away for the home & got my head around being the home-maker, things are smoother. I focus now on my home, it's cleanliness, decoration, furnishings & the happiness & health of everyone in it

We've all felt like this. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or Buddha reincarnated.

 

[Ally T]

Thanks ginger! Glad I am not alone on that thought!

 

[04diamond<3]

Thanks ginger! Glad I am not alone on that thought!

Definitely NOT alone!!!! I get sooooooooo irritated with his video games!!!!!!!!!!! He's a computer nerd for work, but he comes home to watch something on our now BIGGER (why did i ever agree to that) TV. So now the smaller one's in our ROOM (which i swore would never happen) and on top of that his smart phone (why did we ever upgrade to that) which he takes with him in the bathroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On top of all this how disgusting are men???? all the picking and farting and burping and leaving things everywhere on the floor and stepping on his one of thousand USB's!!! I love my hubby with all of my heart but do not for a second think I haven't thought about waxing his chest while he sleeps! just sayin. 5 years is not long at all to be married to someone. The things that annoyed me back when we first got married, or even 9 years ago when we first started dating still irritate me. Not all, and most of them irritate me on a much less scale and I'm hoping this will get better over time (which I'm sure it will because it has).

 

[Enerchi]

Thanks ginger! Glad I am not alone on that thought!

+1.. you are NOT alone!!

I don't know about the saucepan thing (in my case - no idea where to find that --- I'm not familiar with the kitchen!) but there will ALWAYS be frustrations that do come up! I just think, "what would my life be like without my DH?" (which was very close to being a reality ...) and that stops me from getting as angry/upset as I could get, if left to my own devices! Focus on the goal and the little stuff will fall by the wayside!!

Hang in there Alex!! --- and stay away from saucepans!! LOL!!